flash fiction/ The Abortion
Ginseng MacKay-Tisbert
The Abortion
It was spring; the snow was melting into rivers that seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road. The asphalt was glistening, as I rode
with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go ( Read more... )
seemed to Cha Cha hypnotic down the cliffs, and dance across the road.
Saying water "danced" across the road is redundant. I understand that you are talking about two surfaces, but I don't think the close similar instances of personification do you any good.
The asphalt was glistening, as I rode with my Father from Elizabethtown to Plattsbugh to go look at a truck, a baby blue ’72 GMC that was to be my 17th birthday gift.
This sentence functions really oddly, and your first comma is unnecessary. I don't know if I really like how these two things are combined into one sentence. Maybe replace your bit about water dancing in the first place with the image of ashphalt glistening? And then make the second part its own sentence: "I was riding with my father (not capitalized, with "my" in front it is not a proper noun) from Elizebethtown to Plattsburgh . . ."
It was a quintessential Sunday drive; Stevie Ray Vahn on the tape deck.
Misused semi-colon. Semi-colons are meant to connect interrelated full sentences, not to tack on fragments or dependent clauses.
Out the windows I watched the swamps, and humped mountains.
No need for a comma here. This list only contains two items.
The water’s surface reflected bronze/ metallic, confusing itself with the dirty yellow earth; newly exposed.
I don't think you need bronze and metallic here, especially not connected by a slash! Also, once again a misused semi-colon, when what you're looking for is a comma.
I knew that underneath the larger bodies there still was a layer of ice, and underneath that cold water, that hadn’t frozen this winter, but held icy memories like the lake’s subconscious.
Whoa! What is going on here? Read that sentence aloud. Something isn't right! Try:
"I knew that underneath the larger bodies there was still a layer of ice, six inches below a layer of water that hadn't frozen over this winter, a wall to the lake's subconscious."
Get rid of "cold" because it's massively redundant. If part of the body is frozen, obviously the rest is going to be cold. I would probably cut the part about the subconscious altogether, because it is nonsensical, but if you'd like to keep it, I'd integrate it like I've done above.
I also don't like "Brr!" but skotivas suggestion is a bit too overwrought / wordy. The simplicity of the sentence is sound, but the onomatopoeia seems amateur.
As we rounded a turn I lurched against my seat belt before seeing the car stopped askew in our lane.
The way you have phrased this takes all of the immediacy and suddenness. Imagine the car jerking. How do you portray that in prose? Right now the words slow to a gentle stop. The pace of your story portrays just as, if not more, than the words you write alone, so take advantage of it.
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I don't know what it is, but I just don't like how these two thoughts have been connected into one sentence. How about "I could smell the breaks burning. There was a woman in the road, weeping."
Dad pulled the car neatly alongside the gutter, filled with gutter flowers.
The lake's frozen over but there are flowers in the gutter? I think you mean to have this be set in early spring. Maybe:
"Dad pulled the car neatly alongside a gutter filled with the buds of wildflowers."
Although I'm not sure why your character would be checking out the foliage when there's something serious happening. Once again, be choosy with your pacing. Lots of imagery slows your story down and directs the reader away from what it immediately happening.
Quietly I watched her thrust her face against my father’s chest, her dry, grey hands like sheets of homemade paper fluttered out of her woolen sweater to grab his arms.
Whoa now, another one of these sentences that could use some of the punctuation and reorganizing.
"I watched her lunge, watched her thrust her face against my father's chest. Her dry, grey hands were like sheets of homemade paper. They fluttered out of her woolen sweater to grab his arms."
See how much punchier shorter sentences are? I think "dry" is redundant, here, and a bit too much. It bogs down the better imagery, which is over a womans hand like paper.
“She was pregnant...” the woman wailed.
Ellipses do not, to me, denote wailing. They have a hushing effect. Try:
"She was pregnant!" the woman wailed.
"She was pregnant," the woman wailed.
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More semi-colons! The semi-colon is a powerful piece of punctuation. Don't throw it around willy-nilly.
Get rid of words like "for": they're excess fat that just make the whole sentence chewy.
How about:
"It was stretched before me, its stomach must have burst on impact. Its entrails left a smear on the pavement. I peered more closely; I couldn’t look away. At first it was just blood, and the smell of warm meat, but in the blood I could make out a form: soft bones expelled onto the road. It was small enough that I could have held it in my arms, rocked it even."
Once again, short, punchy sentences are pretty much almost always better than long, unwieldy ones, unless you're writing a Victorian novel.
Once, I remember my father saying that a skinned bear hanging looks just like a skinned man. Guilt, sympathy laid out on the road before me, blood fell from between my legs. The blood, the fetus at my feet glistened in the spring sunlight like a mirror. No, it didn’t look like a baby with its thin nearly formed jaw elegantly slanting out into a muzzle. I could see it, the doe making that tentative leap, all the world moving so fast, and her gut had burst on impact.
This paragraph is gorgeous as it is. Good use of commas, good variance of sentence length, good use of interjection. Brava! Where it counts, you hit the nail on the head!
“Ms don’t cry. It wasn’t your fault. Can you drive? I’ll help you in. Shhh. Shhh. Move your vehicle off to the side. I can take care of this.”
"Ms" is not a word, and in general, people don't speak in abbreviations anyway. "Miss" is fine, or "Ma'am" if it's an older woman. I don't like "Shhh. Shhh."
Maybe:
"Miss, don’t cry. It wasn’t your fault. Can you drive? I’ll help you in." He shushed her. "Move your vehicle off to the side. I can take care of this.”
The woman nodded and got into her car. Its front end was crumpled. She sat in the driver’s seat dialing her phone as my father grabbed the doe’s hind legs and dragged her to lay in peace among the gutter flowers; Queen Anne’s lace, Dandelion, and Daisy.
Forget "in peace"; its superfluous. The imagery portrays that sentiment. Once again a bit of fudged punctuation.
". . . as my father grabbed the doe's hind legs and dragged her to lay in the gutter flowers: Queen Anne's lace, Dandelion, Daisy."
“Dad, but Dad, what about the baby?” my voice sounded dull.
Capitalize "My", since it isn't a speech tag.
In the next bit, there's too much italics. Choose a smaller piece that you want to italicize. Check out the difference it makes:
“I can’t...Dad, I can’t have it. I can’t tell anyone. Not him. Please, call for me...take care of it. I can’t do it alone.”
“I can’t...Dad, I can’t have it. I can’t tell anyone. Not him. Please, call for me...take care of it. I can’t do it alone.”
“I can’t...Dad, I can’t have it. I can’t tell anyone. Not him. Please, call for me...take care of it. I can’t do it alone.”
See what happens when you use the technique sparsely, or break it up? Experiment with other combinations until you find one that sounds perfect to your ear. You'll know when it's right.
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"My father's mustache was very still. It pointed down towards his shoulder. I thought about the soft bones expelled on the road, about blood in a dumpster.
With the carnage off the road, we got back into the car. The road was open to us, and we passed the ponds, the lakes with clear water on top.
After awhile, my father turned the volume knob up and I rolled down the window.
Your readers have already made the visceral connection between dead deer and dead baby. You don't need to spell it out for them; it's too heavy handed and it doesn't allow them to make their own associations. You don't need to do all the work.
Overall, I think alot of this story's problems could be solved by you reading it aloud. You will hear the sentences that do not work, that are too long, that have excess words that can be trimmed, that don't fit the tone of the moment.
Secondly, pick up "Eats, shoots, and leaves.", which is an excellent, good-humoured, and surprisingly readable introduction to the ins and outs of punctuation, which is something you need to work on.
I liked this alot, over all. That's why I took such a long time critiquing it.
Obviously, don't feel like you have to replace your words with mine. In fact, I discourage it. I just want to point out alternatives to your exact wording. This story was exceptionally sound in plot and concept, but needed some fine-tuning technically.
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That book is seriously great, though. The author has an excellent sense of humour. . . it's pretty much the only way I can stomach grammar!
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Wow. I was impressed by your skill at criticizing this poem. Where did you learn these skills? I'm new to writing and do not really know how to pick a peice apart. I'm familar with "Eats, shoots and leaves", although I'm not an expert on grammar by any means. Also your ability to criticize whiile being kind and caring. I realize this is probably not the forum for this email but I was unsure of another way to send it.
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I find that it helps to just go line by line and write down my thoughts. When you've critiqued alot of work, and written alot yourself, you find yourself having more and more to say.
As for my ability to criticize while being kind and caring. . . you are probably the first and last person to tell me that. It's not a commonly held belief in this here community, haha.
Replying to comments is a perfect way for you to talk to anyone. :)
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