Comments | write_away: a little help with genre

journeys__end in write_away

a little help with genre

Dec 13, 2006 20:35

I am a poet. I do not have the particular endurance to write much prose, especially not stories or novels. However, I volunteered myself to take a Creative Nonfiction course this semester in hopes to expand my horizons. This is one of the pieces I put in my final portfolio for the class.

No Day But Today

As we travel to New York, we do ( Read more... )

type: nonfiction, user: journeys__end

Comments 6

desolateangel83 December 14 2006, 16:54:11 UTC

You succesfully show your passion for Broadway. I could feel your excitement, and I'm not even a fan of musicals (except for Tommy). I also like that you included some of the history of Rent. I would like know if the show was worth it, unless it is your intention to leave that ambiguous.

journeys__end December 14 2006, 21:11:21 UTC

My purpose for writing it was to show my anticipation. So I chose to leave the ending open, making my excitement the focus, not whether or not the show was good or up to my expectations. =) (Which it was, by the way!)

desolateangel83 December 14 2006, 21:19:58 UTC

I'm glad you enjoyed the show. And I forgot to mention that for a poet, you did a good job at creative nonfiction (although it's not impossible to be good at both).

i_play_guitar December 15 2006, 00:16:53 UTC

Liked it tremendously... Good eye for detail... Wonder if you should say, "it is a guarantee that he would have created more shows that could have brought Broadway to a new level." Can't really say that for sure, I wouldn't think... In a non-fiction piece... :) Try a another emphatic word, besides guarantee.... Like, sinch... Or "a given"... Or something that sounds better than those, tho...

Very nicely done. And I was feeling tense myself... Of course... I haven't smoked in a while either.. ^_^

printers_devil December 15 2006, 16:24:06 UTC

Hi!
Great story-- the only comments i have about revision are about working more closely with language and taking advantage of some of the same devices you can employ in poetry like symbolism, repetition, parallelism, imagery, etc.

In the first paragraph you might try changing syntax to avoid a kind of repetitive [in a bad way] feel of subject/verb, subject/verb construction where you have:
we travel
we do
I sit
Matt drives
Ron sits etc.

Try tightening up the prose a bit also, here's an example of changing a few constructions and dumping some words:
On the way to the city, we discuss everything under the sun except the upcoming show. It is the elephant in the car with us. Sitting in the front seat, I am mute, afraid of letting my nerves out of the carefully constructed cage in my stomach. Driving and fiddling with his iPod which is connected to the car stereo, Matt switches songs in response to my facial expressions [here, you should give an example of a facial expression and the kid of music you hear and also the switch]-- Ron ( ... )

smeddley December 15 2006, 19:06:25 UTC

While the story is very interesting and has some makes-you-smile moments, it feels a bit too formal for the 'plot'. I don't think the tone meshes with the story being told. For example:

"When my best friend Matt brought up the idea to travel to New York City ..."

I would hazard that most people would not use the word 'travel' here. Sure, some might, but substituting the word 'go' would make it feel much more conversational. And I think that's what this piece needs - you're almost confiding in your reader, in a way. You want to draw them in.

Another example would be:

"They mostly discuss indie rock, about which they are both elitist."

Very formal - if you were telling this story, would you phrase it that way? (I don't know you well, so you might, but I wouldn't, so that's what I'm going on) Again, a more conversational tone would help draw the reader in ( ... )