a little help with genre

[journeys__end]

I am a poet. I do not have the particular endurance to write much prose, especially not stories or novels. However, I volunteered myself to take a Creative Nonfiction course this semester in hopes to expand my horizons. This is one of the pieces I put in my final portfolio for the class.

No Day But Today

As we travel to New York, we do

Comments

[smeddley]

While the story is very interesting and has some makes-you-smile moments, it feels a bit too formal for the 'plot'. I don't think the tone meshes with the story being told. For example:

"When my best friend Matt brought up the idea to travel to New York City ..."

I would hazard that most people would not use the word 'travel' here. Sure, some might, but substituting the word 'go' would make it feel much more conversational. And I think that's what this piece needs - you're almost confiding in your reader, in a way. You want to draw them in.

Another example would be:

"They mostly discuss indie rock, about which they are both elitist."

Very formal - if you were telling this story, would you phrase it that way? (I don't know you well, so you might, but I wouldn't, so that's what I'm going on) Again, a more conversational tone would help draw the reader in.

Also, in the middle of a very emotive piece you have a very clinical description of aortic dissection, which is a bit jarring.

My suggestion would be to read it out loud - if it sounds like your voice, how you would speak, then that's fine. But if you find yourself stumbling here or there, change it to what you would say, not what you would write.

Overall it is a wonderful story, with a lot of good humorous insights and emotion. And I love the open ending. I think it's a perfect touch.