Freezing (fic) - aka episode reaction to 4.04

[wowbright]

I'm unable to say much new in meta right now, so I wrote fic instead during my bouts of insomnia last night.

(I've started keeping a notebook by my bed, and now do not get so frustrated with insomnia as I used to.)

Behind the cut because of spoilers.

Blaine POV, and I don't change anything that happened.

Comments

[mander3_swish]

heartbreakingly perfect. so sad.

that opening sentence...love the idea of Blaine as a flower growing in the direction of Kurt as the sun.

[wowbright]

Thank you! It's become clearer to me than ever in the past two episodes that Blaine really has made Kurt the center of his life and doesn't know how to be his best self without Kurt's (to continue the metaphor) light.

I just want to hug them both so much.

[xenachakram12]

UGH, I love eveything you do, even when it breaks my heart and makes me examine things that I wish would just go away.

Thanks for the reaction fic. You seem to have the same interpretation of Blaine's behavior as I do which is comforting in these trying, confusing times. I needed to see Blaine feeling the wrongness of his actions; I didn't get enough of that from last night's ep. Ahh, fangirl therapy.

*solidarity*

[wowbright]

Thanks! You are too sweet!

I saw a lot of guilt in the Teenage Dream sequence; so much of what Blaine feels, he lets go unsaid. Anyway, I'm glad I was able to verbalize a little bit of it for you. I'm hoping Ms. Pillsbury will help him learn to say these things outloud. In any case, I imagine we'll get more guilt in future episodes. Or I'll just keep writing it when I have insomnia. *Hugs.*

[vanessawolfie]

I don't have energy left for anything right now, but I just had to comment here.

I like this. It's simple, it's clean, it's not even remotely bashing, it just hurts. In the good, horrible, bad way, if you know what I mean.

Thank you.

[wowbright]

Thank you so much for taking the little energy you have to leave a lovely comment! The last thing I want to do is bash these boys when they're already hurting so much. I love them even when they hurt themselves (and by extension, each other), and I'm glad that came across here.

I am looking forward to not having insomnia so maybe I can work on some happy stuff during the hiatus.

[pushplaytobegin]

I love this. I especially like the bargaining he does in Eli's driveway. It's got the same flavor as an alcoholic's bargaining - if my spouse gets home on time, I won't drink; if the check clears the bank, I won't drink - but then no matter what happens, there's an out, or an excuse. I'm unspoiled for future episodes, and I'm absolutely fascinated by this development, and I love the bits of Blaine's world and reasoning you imagine here.

[wowbright]

Thanks for your comment and love! I wasn't thinking explicitly about alcoholism when I wrote that scene, but it is my headcanon that alcoholism is a part of Blaine's life (um, I guess hint at that rather strongly in the first section of the fic) and that a lot of the ways he deals with the world have been shaped by dealing with (or trying to deal with) an alcoholic in his life. There's a fic I've been working on for quite a while exploring this, although I don't know if I'll get done with it this hiatus - I have, like, 6 fic projects I'm working on right now.

This particular scene grew out of seeing Blaine trying to justify his behavior to Kurt after the fact, and the way he justified it to himself before the fact in the song he sang with Finn (sorry, I don't know what it's called). It was so painful to see him do it (especially because "been there, done that"), and also so real.

Anyway, a long way to say thank you for pointing this out to me! A lot of my meta comes out through fic without my even noticing :)

[lesley_green]

I just watched the ep and came here to read this first! Oh, these comments are absolutely perfect. I couldn't even watch the Teenage Dream segment. I seriously sat hunched with my hands folded in my lap staring at the corner of the keyboard while my cheeks got hotter and hotter until it was over, I was shaking so hard. And I... it's so hard to watch self destructive behavior and lying to yourself and I feel like I've owed fandom a piece on Blaine/alcohol/denial for a long time because collectively they've taught me so many things, but... terrified. (The song is Barely Breathing by Duncan Sheik, who also wrote the music for Spring Awakening. He knows a thing or two about sex and angst.)

[wowbright]

Aw, I feel a little bad that you came here first, because it wasn't much of a fic - more like an angsty fingerpainting, or a Rorschach blot, maybe. I had a very similar reaction to Teenage Dream.

Hmmm ... maybe you and I should challenge each other to finish our Blaine/alcohol pieces at the same time. Because I started the notes for this one a year ago. Well, almost a year ago.

[podklb]

This is beautiful, and somehow the sadness is cathartic and makes things better than worse, maybe by bringing everything up to the surface where I can begin to see it and examine it and sort it out.

Do you have a policy on podfic permission? A few of us are making a small compilation of podfics of 4x04 reaction fic, and I'd love to include this one, if that's all right with you.

[wowbright]

Thanks so much for your comments. Writing sad fic certainly helps me deal better with the sad stuff I see in Glee. And I'm so honored that you enjoy this enough that you would want to spend time on recording it! I don't have a policy because no one's ever asked before, but I say "Go for it!" It would be great if you linked back to this post/my blog and notified me when it goes up so I can listen and share. Thanks again!

[podklb]

Thank you ♥

I just want to clarify that I would *never* post a podfic without including the author's name and linking back to the fic post, nor would any other podficcer that I know. (But it's still a really good idea to specify what you expect, rather than leaving things unsaid and running into trouble along the line!)

[podklb]

http://kurt-blaine.livejournal.com/4811681.html