Gear... Week 2 of Brigits Flame

[wierdauntie]

Autobiographical Entry with Names and Details changed to protect confidentiality

I’m supervising an intern for her Master’s program. This helps me because the one day a week that I can give to Po’okela Elementary out of all of my other job duties is not nearly enough-and  it helps her because a good practicum site is hard to find.

My

Comments

[aphys_pen]

Wow. This piece both broke my heart and made me feel incredibly hopeful. What a sweet little boy. He's so lucky to have people like you looking out for him. The writing is very well done, with a snap and clarity that make it very enjoyable to read, even when dealing with a very serious situation. I especially like the little touches of humor - the "rabbity-eyed" intern description was a nice touch.

Good luck this week!

[wierdauntie]

Appreciate your comment so much!
Aloha
W

[osoreranai]

Loved it. Had to go through something like this myself when I was growing up and I thought it was interesting to see it from 'the other side,' if you will.

One thing I thought could use some work is the scene where Ikaika is playing with the toys and you note the absence of sound. I knew what it was - that he felt unsafe - and I think readers in general would know what it is. You've done a great job of establishing his state of mind and everything, so I don't think there's any reason for you to do more work, you know?

Anyway, that's my two cents. Hope they help!

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for the helpful feedback.

[rangerdewshine]

I was drawn into this and really felt the hope of the situation, rather than just its fear and tragedy. You are doing an amazing thing and it's a real gift to be able to read about it.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for letting me know how it affected you. It keeps me going...

[darlinleo]

These sessions of yours are so intense! You convey the skills you employ in your work so well, as well as the emotions of everyone involved. Good job!

[wierdauntie]

thank you for taking the time to let me know it's interesting...

[openedlocket]

Hey I'm one of your editors for this week, Mira. I'm so sorry to be doing this at the last minute, but I've read this a few days ago. I can barely find anything to edit, I'm afraid. I love the people in this story, especially the boy. So I'm going to start with the actual editing, it's my first time so I'm not sure exactly how to do this.

I've noticed something in this sentence...
I wait until he goes to the table, then I sit beside him as he takes a crayon and draws, displaying more confidence than I’ve yet seen.

The order of the words: I've yet seen, caught me off guard (since it's usually put as I've seen yet) . It isn't really anything big so it isn't something to change. And this line.
... sound effects- and a motorbike is one of the most fun.it's a bit confusing because it seems incomplete at first glance but the preceding phrase tells exactly what this phrase is saying so that isn't anything to change either

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for taking the time to edit! And of course I love hearing that you liked the piece and didn't find much wrong with it. Will make suggested changes.
ALoha
W