Gear... Week 2 of Brigits Flame

[wierdauntie]

Autobiographical Entry with Names and Details changed to protect confidentiality

I’m supervising an intern for her Master’s program. This helps me because the one day a week that I can give to Po’okela Elementary out of all of my other job duties is not nearly enough-and  it helps her because a good practicum site is hard to find.

My

Comments

[openedlocket]

Hey I'm one of your editors for this week, Mira. I'm so sorry to be doing this at the last minute, but I've read this a few days ago. I can barely find anything to edit, I'm afraid. I love the people in this story, especially the boy. So I'm going to start with the actual editing, it's my first time so I'm not sure exactly how to do this.

I've noticed something in this sentence...
I wait until he goes to the table, then I sit beside him as he takes a crayon and draws, displaying more confidence than I’ve yet seen.

The order of the words: I've yet seen, caught me off guard (since it's usually put as I've seen yet) . It isn't really anything big so it isn't something to change. And this line.
... sound effects- and a motorbike is one of the most fun.
it's a bit confusing because it seems incomplete at first glance but the preceding phrase tells exactly what this phrase is saying so that isn't anything to change either.

The structure of the story interested me a lot. Short, simple, almost no large clumps of text but very detailed. I'm sorry if this edit wasn't too helpful. You're a much more experienced writer so I can't really find anything to edit in your story. It's beautiful just the way it is.

[wierdauntie]

Thanks so much for taking the time to edit! And of course I love hearing that you liked the piece and didn't find much wrong with it. Will make suggested changes.
ALoha
W