fic-DBSK-After All
Title: After All
Author: virdant
Length: 1,156 words; one-shot;
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, (romance?)
Pairing: JaeChun mild hints of YooSu and JaeHo
Summary: It’s a bad day, after all.
Warning: implied anorexia
Notes: Why yes, Plunging Downwards and Anodyne now have a 'verse of their own! Welcome to When the Enemy is the Self 'verse, this is Yoochun's piece. Response to one of Twinny/Beta's many prompts (from a long time ago).
This spawned thanks to feeling utterly guilty that I’ve been watching kangxilaile on youtube nonstop, flailing every single time Jam Hsiao smiles or even says something. I never even did that for dbsk. So then I felt guilty, so I went to watch some coupletalks (even though they bore me), and then I finally got plunnied for Yoochun’s fic in the WES ‘verse. (Of course, I wrote this to Jam Hsiao’s album on repeat XD)
After All
On bad days, Yoochun barely picks at his food.
Jaejoong watches him with hawk eyes, not eating because all his attention is on Yoochun, and Yoochun smiles faintly back, stirring the mess of take-out with his chopsticks. It’s not bad food, and the others are gulping it down as quickly as they can, hungry after hours of practice.
Yoochun has no appetite.
He runs through mistakes in his head, and each failure stills his arm mid lift. He taps out rhythms with the tips of his chopsticks to the steady beat of his heart, and when he runs through each song, his heart inevitably speeds up and slows down as he transitions.
Junsu laughs, too loudly, too shrilly, too desperately, and Yoochun is jarred from the song only he can hear.
He tosses a sludge of stirred lunch into the trash bin. If the others notice, they say nothing.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Yoochun sometimes thinks that maybe Jaejoong can hear the music, but Jaejoong just smiles blankly at him and asks: what music? It takes him a while before he remembers that Jaejoong lives with the music around him, and not inside him. There’s a difference within them that even their closeness cannot breach. He talks to Junsu about the sounds, and Junsu laughs-too loudly-before understanding slips into his eyes and he talks music with Yoochun.
But Yoochun somehow wishes it were Jaejoong, who understands everything else about him, who shares clothes-just the tiniest bit tight, the fit is perfect, Jaejoong always prefers such tight clothes anyways-as if they really were the same person.
*
On bad days, Yoochun eats more than other days. He scoops up bites to eat ravenously, as if eating will swallow guilt and mistakes. The others watch him carefully, and Jaejoong’s eyes in particular watch, waiting for the next mistake, the next problem. Yoochun bites the tips of his chopsticks in his haste to swallow the next bite, and his teeth sting through the following gulps. He chews to a beat in his head, 3/4 time and 4/4 time and sometimes even 2/4 time, largo and presto and allegro all in the same song. The others watch him, waiting for his next mistake, and so he swallows the next bite and finishes his bowl, almost wishing for more.
But he doesn’t bother.
He scrubs out the few clumps of rice still left over, sticking to his bowl. The others watch him, watch him and watch him and watch him, and Yoochun bites back the urge to snap at them.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Jaejoong understands Yoochun fully; he listens to notes tapped out on a keyboard, nodding thoughtfully and singing the songs back to Yoochun. Only Jaejoong knows when to be silent and when to sing, drawing thoughts directly out of Yoochun’s mind.
Jaejoong’s silent as they sit, back to back, Yoochun tapping out a melody only they can hear on the keys, not pressing down, just letting nails clack against plastic. He presses down gently at last, carefully and slowly.
The silence is echoing.
*
On bad days, Yoochun gulps down food and asks for more. His jaws move at presto, like the way he rattles off words when he raps, only this time his tongue is shifting food around instead of forming words and he’s swallowing instead of gasping for breath and he can’t stop, his jaw moving nonstop, trapped in an eternity of movement.
Yunho watches and says something softly; his voice a whisper in the music of the scrape of chopsticks against bowls and jaws moving, and Jaejoong frowns ever so slightly. Changmin ignores everything for food, just as Yoochun is, and Junsu only stares, wide-eyed and surprised.
“Don’t,” Jaejoong hisses, the word barely audible through a mouthful of food he doesn’t stop chewing. Yoochun hears it, hears it more through Jaejoong’s ears than his own, his own mind focused fully on moving, not stopping, because that’s the only way he can stay alive.
Yunho snaps back a response and all Yoochun can hear-from his own ears, no longer Jaejoong’s-is the word dying.
Yoochun almost wants to stop, wants to put the bowl down and ask Yunho what he means. But then Jaejoong looks straight at him, and Yoochun finds himself staring at empty bleakness and death promised if he stops moving.
Yoochun keeps moving, keeps chewing and swallowing and all that goes down his throat is sticky dampness, seeing Jaejoong’s eyes staring at him, the sound of Yunho’s gritted teeth and Junsu’s nervous laughter cutting through the clack of teeth on teeth.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Only Jaejoong can hear what Yoochun wants; only Jaejoong can hear the verse Yoochun wants to create and draw it into existence. The music that Yoochun hears, the music only Yoochun hears, spins into existence when Jaejoong lets sound fill the air as Yoochun presses down on the ivory keys. They spin music-nothing as rough as the crash and bang of sounds forced into existence when weariness calls.
Yoochun ignores the strained quality of Jaejoong’s voice, doesn’t see the dark circles under Jaejoong’s eyes (under everybody’s eyes) and listens to the music around them.
He hears the music of the world around them just as Jaejoong hears the music only he can hear. They understand each other. They are each other.
*
(On bad days, Yunho and Jaejoong wash the dishes together.
“He didn’t eat today,” Yunho snarls when it’s only the two of them, Yoochun having wandered out at last, leaving only Yunho and Jaejoong in the kitchen. “He’s not eating at all.”
“Don’t,” Jaejoong snaps back in a whisper. “Don’t say anything.”
“He’s dying.”
Jaejoong hears the grit of Yunho’s teeth as he hisses out the words. Jaejoong smiles, strained, back. “I know. I know.” It’s more a baring of teeth than a smile, but that’s all Jaejoong can do now. Smile and hope things get better.
Jaejoong passes Yunho the dishes, cradling Yoochun’s bowl carefully. “I don’t think he notices,” Jaejoong murmurs.
“He should,” Yunho snaps.
“I know,” Jaejoong replies, and each syllable is regret worn deep, exhaustion and worry and a struggle to piece together somebody no longer there. “He should. But he doesn’t. And whose fault is that?”
Yunho snatches the bowl from Jaejoong and dumps the leftovers into the trash, scraping out everything with chopsticks. “Not yours,” he snaps before he calms slightly. “He didn’t eat anything,” he mutters as an entire bowl’s worth of rice is dropped into the plastic bag.
Jaejoong starts washing, his hands under the faucet to test the heat. Steam curls over the sink. “He never does,” Jaejoong replies, as hot water falls to scald his fingers. “He never does.”
It’s a bad day, after all.)
End.
End Notes: Twinny/Beta's prompt was: "write a narrator as a liar." Yoochun therefore is lying--to himself--throughout the entire fic. I think I managed to pull it off decently, though concrit (or comments) are appreciated. :)
Author: virdant
Length: 1,156 words; one-shot;
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst, (romance?)
Pairing: JaeChun mild hints of YooSu and JaeHo
Summary: It’s a bad day, after all.
Warning: implied anorexia
Notes: Why yes, Plunging Downwards and Anodyne now have a 'verse of their own! Welcome to When the Enemy is the Self 'verse, this is Yoochun's piece. Response to one of Twinny/Beta's many prompts (from a long time ago).
This spawned thanks to feeling utterly guilty that I’ve been watching kangxilaile on youtube nonstop, flailing every single time Jam Hsiao smiles or even says something. I never even did that for dbsk. So then I felt guilty, so I went to watch some coupletalks (even though they bore me), and then I finally got plunnied for Yoochun’s fic in the WES ‘verse. (Of course, I wrote this to Jam Hsiao’s album on repeat XD)
After All
On bad days, Yoochun barely picks at his food.
Jaejoong watches him with hawk eyes, not eating because all his attention is on Yoochun, and Yoochun smiles faintly back, stirring the mess of take-out with his chopsticks. It’s not bad food, and the others are gulping it down as quickly as they can, hungry after hours of practice.
Yoochun has no appetite.
He runs through mistakes in his head, and each failure stills his arm mid lift. He taps out rhythms with the tips of his chopsticks to the steady beat of his heart, and when he runs through each song, his heart inevitably speeds up and slows down as he transitions.
Junsu laughs, too loudly, too shrilly, too desperately, and Yoochun is jarred from the song only he can hear.
He tosses a sludge of stirred lunch into the trash bin. If the others notice, they say nothing.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Yoochun sometimes thinks that maybe Jaejoong can hear the music, but Jaejoong just smiles blankly at him and asks: what music? It takes him a while before he remembers that Jaejoong lives with the music around him, and not inside him. There’s a difference within them that even their closeness cannot breach. He talks to Junsu about the sounds, and Junsu laughs-too loudly-before understanding slips into his eyes and he talks music with Yoochun.
But Yoochun somehow wishes it were Jaejoong, who understands everything else about him, who shares clothes-just the tiniest bit tight, the fit is perfect, Jaejoong always prefers such tight clothes anyways-as if they really were the same person.
*
On bad days, Yoochun eats more than other days. He scoops up bites to eat ravenously, as if eating will swallow guilt and mistakes. The others watch him carefully, and Jaejoong’s eyes in particular watch, waiting for the next mistake, the next problem. Yoochun bites the tips of his chopsticks in his haste to swallow the next bite, and his teeth sting through the following gulps. He chews to a beat in his head, 3/4 time and 4/4 time and sometimes even 2/4 time, largo and presto and allegro all in the same song. The others watch him, waiting for his next mistake, and so he swallows the next bite and finishes his bowl, almost wishing for more.
But he doesn’t bother.
He scrubs out the few clumps of rice still left over, sticking to his bowl. The others watch him, watch him and watch him and watch him, and Yoochun bites back the urge to snap at them.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Jaejoong understands Yoochun fully; he listens to notes tapped out on a keyboard, nodding thoughtfully and singing the songs back to Yoochun. Only Jaejoong knows when to be silent and when to sing, drawing thoughts directly out of Yoochun’s mind.
Jaejoong’s silent as they sit, back to back, Yoochun tapping out a melody only they can hear on the keys, not pressing down, just letting nails clack against plastic. He presses down gently at last, carefully and slowly.
The silence is echoing.
*
On bad days, Yoochun gulps down food and asks for more. His jaws move at presto, like the way he rattles off words when he raps, only this time his tongue is shifting food around instead of forming words and he’s swallowing instead of gasping for breath and he can’t stop, his jaw moving nonstop, trapped in an eternity of movement.
Yunho watches and says something softly; his voice a whisper in the music of the scrape of chopsticks against bowls and jaws moving, and Jaejoong frowns ever so slightly. Changmin ignores everything for food, just as Yoochun is, and Junsu only stares, wide-eyed and surprised.
“Don’t,” Jaejoong hisses, the word barely audible through a mouthful of food he doesn’t stop chewing. Yoochun hears it, hears it more through Jaejoong’s ears than his own, his own mind focused fully on moving, not stopping, because that’s the only way he can stay alive.
Yunho snaps back a response and all Yoochun can hear-from his own ears, no longer Jaejoong’s-is the word dying.
Yoochun almost wants to stop, wants to put the bowl down and ask Yunho what he means. But then Jaejoong looks straight at him, and Yoochun finds himself staring at empty bleakness and death promised if he stops moving.
Yoochun keeps moving, keeps chewing and swallowing and all that goes down his throat is sticky dampness, seeing Jaejoong’s eyes staring at him, the sound of Yunho’s gritted teeth and Junsu’s nervous laughter cutting through the clack of teeth on teeth.
It’s a bad day, after all.
*
Only Jaejoong can hear what Yoochun wants; only Jaejoong can hear the verse Yoochun wants to create and draw it into existence. The music that Yoochun hears, the music only Yoochun hears, spins into existence when Jaejoong lets sound fill the air as Yoochun presses down on the ivory keys. They spin music-nothing as rough as the crash and bang of sounds forced into existence when weariness calls.
Yoochun ignores the strained quality of Jaejoong’s voice, doesn’t see the dark circles under Jaejoong’s eyes (under everybody’s eyes) and listens to the music around them.
He hears the music of the world around them just as Jaejoong hears the music only he can hear. They understand each other. They are each other.
*
(On bad days, Yunho and Jaejoong wash the dishes together.
“He didn’t eat today,” Yunho snarls when it’s only the two of them, Yoochun having wandered out at last, leaving only Yunho and Jaejoong in the kitchen. “He’s not eating at all.”
“Don’t,” Jaejoong snaps back in a whisper. “Don’t say anything.”
“He’s dying.”
Jaejoong hears the grit of Yunho’s teeth as he hisses out the words. Jaejoong smiles, strained, back. “I know. I know.” It’s more a baring of teeth than a smile, but that’s all Jaejoong can do now. Smile and hope things get better.
Jaejoong passes Yunho the dishes, cradling Yoochun’s bowl carefully. “I don’t think he notices,” Jaejoong murmurs.
“He should,” Yunho snaps.
“I know,” Jaejoong replies, and each syllable is regret worn deep, exhaustion and worry and a struggle to piece together somebody no longer there. “He should. But he doesn’t. And whose fault is that?”
Yunho snatches the bowl from Jaejoong and dumps the leftovers into the trash, scraping out everything with chopsticks. “Not yours,” he snaps before he calms slightly. “He didn’t eat anything,” he mutters as an entire bowl’s worth of rice is dropped into the plastic bag.
Jaejoong starts washing, his hands under the faucet to test the heat. Steam curls over the sink. “He never does,” Jaejoong replies, as hot water falls to scald his fingers. “He never does.”
It’s a bad day, after all.)
End.
End Notes: Twinny/Beta's prompt was: "write a narrator as a liar." Yoochun therefore is lying--to himself--throughout the entire fic. I think I managed to pull it off decently, though concrit (or comments) are appreciated. :)