Comfort, Sacrifice and Gratitude
Title: Comfort, Sacrifice and Gratitude
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Rating: PG
Summary: Alicia tried to remember a time when Kalinda had touched her before, even briefly, and apart from the most inconsequential of shoulder taps she couldn’t remember a single time.
Author's note: This takes place before episode 2x17 and pretends that a certain plot revelation never happened. Some other details have been changed for writerly purposes. Please be gentle as this is my first ever fic posted anywhere on the interweb.
Comfort
It was a little after seven on a Friday evening, and Alicia couldn’t go home. Another week, another hooker, and her life thrown into turmoil once again.
She had thought that the scandal was all played out, that she could start to put it behind her and decide whether her marriage was actually worth keeping. And now there was another name in the papers, and more pictures on the internet, and more whispers every time she passed her colleagues in the hall.
She was so damn tired, and so sick of it all. The thought of going home to Peter turned her stomach, so she had hidden herself away in her office for as long as she could, watching everyone else slope away for the weekend.
Most of her colleagues ignored her or waved goodbye, and the braver ones poked their head round the door and offered feeble goodnights. Diane had even offered to drive her home, which was probably a nice thing to do but in her wounded state made her feel thoroughly pathetic.
Suddenly, sat in her office alone and contemplating a weekend of arguments and lies, her composure broke, and she found herself sitting on the carpet and sobbing. And even that felt like defeat.
She sat there, helpless, as the tears fell. A noise at the door made her look up, and she saw Kalinda standing in the doorway. She quickly looked away, embarrassed that anyone would see her like this, and tried to speak but found she couldn’t.
Kalinda stayed in the doorway for a few more moments, and then came and quietly sat next to her on the carpet, stretching her boots out and crossing her legs at the ankle. She stayed there, not saying anything, as Alicia fought with her breathing and tried to get herself under control.
After a few more minutes, Alicia took a final deep breath and managed to stem the tears. Embarrassed and raw, she stared at the wall and tried very hard not to think.
“You need a cuddle?”
Alicia turned and stared at her, her mouth hanging open slightly in surprise. “You’re going to give me a cuddle?”
“I was gonna get one of the secretaries to do it.”
Alicia laughed, although her laughter faded almost immediately. She knew that Kalinda was just trying to cheer her up a little, but right at that moment, she found herself wishing that her friend was genuinely just a little more…cuddly. Because maybe a good bear hug was exactly what she needed. What she deserved right now after so many months of crap.
She sighed, and then noticed Kalinda watching her. She gave her a limp smile to show that she wasn’t going to burst in tears again, and then looked away.
And then she felt Kalinda take her hand, gently, and start stroking her skin with her thumb. She stared down at their hands, and then tried to look at Kalinda’s face surreptitiously. Kalinda was looking straight ahead, and her expression, as usual, showed little of what she was thinking. And the thumb kept stroking.
Alicia tried to remember a time when Kalinda had touched her before, even briefly, and apart from the most inconsequential of shoulder taps she couldn’t remember a single time.
Perhaps that was why this felt so…comforting. So unusual. So exactly what she needed.
She’d never known anyone quite like this woman. This woman who never, ever, ever told her anything about her life, or how she felt about her or their friendship, but still somehow made her feel more cared for and protected than her own philandering husband. This woman who was so unreadable and who seemed to read her like a book.
Alicia sat there for a few more minutes, lapping up the closeness and the care. She thought briefly about saying thank you, but knew immediately that Kalinda would just fob her off or pretend that she wasn’t even helping her, so she stayed silent.
For the first time that day, she felt something close to calm.
Sacrifice
“Because I’m a lesbian.”
Alicia froze. Standing just outside the courtroom door, she had been listening to Kalinda’s testimony for 20 minutes, dreading what might be revealed but unable to tear herself away.
The events with Peter had left her jealous and fearful of any woman Peter had ever looked at, and God knows he would have looked at Kalinda Sharma. She looked at Kalinda Sharma, and she was supposed to be as straight as they come.
And there was this niggling doubt at the back of her mind that maybe Kalinda was too…nice to her. Too solicitous. Too protective. That maybe she just felt guilty, and sorry for her, a trusting, stupid wife who was so naïve she would become friends with her husband’s ex-lover.
But now…the attorney had been peppering Kalinda with questions about her relationship with Peter since she took the stand, and Kalinda had been answering with what sounded like the truth. But it also sounded…ambigious.
Yes, they had had drinks together sometimes. Yes, he once bought her dinner. Yes, he once drove her home.
And Alicia had been feeling more and more horrified, as the pieces fitted together in her head, and her favorite person at Lockhart Gardener began to reveal her secrets.
And then…wham. She had revealed her secrets. Her lesbian secrets. In front of the whole courtroom, on the record, when she had refused to tell Alicia in a bar one night in confidence.
Alicia’s mind raced. Kalinda had completely killed the attorney’s line of questioning, although he stupidly tried one more time (“And you never sleep with men?” “I’m an excellent lesbian, Mr Lloyd. No I don’t sleep with men”) and she had outed herself to a roomful of people. Jesus.
Alicia waited for Kalinda to leave the stand, and followed her as she left the courtroom.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Thought I told you not to come to court.”
“I know, I just…had to. What just happened?”
“I have more important things to do, and I wanted to be doing them.”
“Kalinda.”
“What?” Alicia studied her face, and she could see, for possibly the first time ever, that Kalinda looked…not exactly scared, but something close to it. Unsettled. Uncontrolled.
“Was that for me?” Alicia asked softly.
“Like I said, I have things to do. I’ll see you later.”
“Kalinda.” Alicia grabbed her hand and held her back. Pulling a little harder than she’d intended meant that Kalinda fell into her slightly, invading her personal space. They stood there, looking into each other’s eyes, Alicia aware that she was starting to blush, and that people were looking at them, but entirely unable to move away.
“Thank you,” she said, and tried to read Kalinda’s face. She thought she saw anxiety still, and tension, but also…something glowing underneath. A spark.
“You’re welcome,” said Kalinda quietly, a grin starting to form on her face, and Alicia blushed fully now, in her awareness of how close they were standing and how two words from this woman could affect her.
“Are you going to let go of my hand?”
Alicia unthinkingly looked at their hands, still entwined and refusing to let go. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted to hug her, she wanted Kalinda to flirt with her and tease her and make grand gestures of abandoned privacy because it all made her feel so good.
But she couldn’t tell her any of that. She didn’t know how, or what it might mean if she spoke the words aloud. So she let go of her hand.
And they still stood there, looking at each other. And Alicia had so much to say.
Gratitude
The case was dragging on and on, and getting duller by the minute. Alicia and Kalinda had been working on it since late November, and had filled boxes and boxes with documents that they now had to go through before the trial, looking for that one killer bit of evidence that seemed more elusive by the day.
Alicia would usually have hated working so hard so close to Christmas, but this year she was grateful. Peter was in full-on guilty father mode and was spending most of his time trying to instill some Christmas spirit into his somewhat reluctant teenage children.
Which meant that she could legitimately spend as much time as she wanted at work, away from the big questions of marriage and divorce and futures and breaking families. Hiding with Kalinda in cramped rooms and calm silence, and an unspoken knowledge that they could delegate some of this work to their assistants, but chose not to because…well, because Alicia had problems, and Kalinda…Kalinda just chose to be here.
In her most confident moments Alicia thought that maybe Kalinda chose to be here because she chose to be near her. But she didn’t have many confident moments these days.
“We’re almost done on the background stuff. You have anything there?”
“Nope. Nothing useful. We should probably call it a day.”
Alica felt a small pang of disappointment, but smiled her agreement. “I have something for you first.”
“Sorry?”
“I have something for you. A Christmas present.”
“I…you do?”
Alicia smiled broadly at Kalinda’s startled expression, relishing one of the few times that she had been able to surprise her. She had been planning this for a while, in return for all of Kalinda’s care - the protective help and support had been building up for two years now, not to mention the whole “I’m a lesbian” declaration to help Peter’s case. She owed her.
“Here.” She handed over the gift, which she had carefully wrapped in the schmaltziest paper she could find (happy snowmen, it turned out), with ribbon and a bow on the top. She grinned as Kalinda took the gift and stared at the little snowmen.
“You’re supposed to take the paper off.”
Kalinda gave her the “no kidding” look, and started ripping opening the present.
“You know if you did that carefully you could use the paper another time.”
“What can I say, I’m impatient.” Kalinda finished with the paper, tossed it down on the table, and gazed at her present. Her orange present. In the shape of a notebook.
“I wanted to get you something that you would appreciate. Those are your favorite, right?”
Kalinda gazed a little longer at the present, and then looked up at Alicia with a growing smile. “Yeah. These are my favorite.”
They sat there, smiling at each other, for a few moments more, until Alicia said “You’re supposed to say ‘Thank you, Alicia’.”
“Thank you, Alicia. It’s a good job you’re here to make sure I do this stuff correctly.”
“Isn’t it? I don’t know how you manage without me, to be honest.”
“Neither do I.”
Kalinda opened the notebook and ruffled through the pages. “You know, I feel bad. I didn’t get you anything.”
“Oh, that’s OK, I wasn’t expecting anything. You can buy me a drink sometime.”
Kalinda looked up at her again, and the smile had gone, replaced by a look that for some reason made Alicia’s pulse beat a little faster.
And faster still, as Kalinda leaned forward, placed her hand on the side of Alicia’s face, and softly, ever so gently, kissed her cheek.
“Thank you. It’s a very thoughtful present.”
Alicia sat frozen to the spot. Kalinda’s hand was still touching her face, and their eyes were locked together. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and she wanted…she just wanted…
So she did. In a moment of pure feeling, unsullied by doubts or fear or thought, she leaned in towards Kalinda, and kissed her.
Kalinda sat very still for a few moments, and then she started kissing back, and Alicia was totally lost. A soft, tentative kiss turned to open-mouthed passion and Alicia moaned as she finally, finally expressed what she’d been feeling forever, finally knew that the feeling was returned.
One minute passed, and two, and five, and still they kissed. A fleeting thought invaded Alicia’s mind about whoever was left in the office, but it wasn’t nearly worrying enough to make her break this kiss, this connection. Kalinda’s hand was in her hair, and the other around her waist, and oh God, now Kalinda was moaning as their tongues met, and it felt like a decade’s worth of desire revealed in a single kiss.
Finally Alicia needed air, so she pulled away, panting, electrified, staring at Kalinda’s lips and her mussed up hair and the desire she saw reflected in her eyes. The rush of adrenaline made her fearless: “Those notebooks are really expensive, you know. You probably owe me some more.”
And Kalinda beamed at her, a stunning and childlike and gleeful and fully free smile. Alicia felt like she’d just saved the world.
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Rating: PG
Summary: Alicia tried to remember a time when Kalinda had touched her before, even briefly, and apart from the most inconsequential of shoulder taps she couldn’t remember a single time.
Author's note: This takes place before episode 2x17 and pretends that a certain plot revelation never happened. Some other details have been changed for writerly purposes. Please be gentle as this is my first ever fic posted anywhere on the interweb.
Comfort
It was a little after seven on a Friday evening, and Alicia couldn’t go home. Another week, another hooker, and her life thrown into turmoil once again.
She had thought that the scandal was all played out, that she could start to put it behind her and decide whether her marriage was actually worth keeping. And now there was another name in the papers, and more pictures on the internet, and more whispers every time she passed her colleagues in the hall.
She was so damn tired, and so sick of it all. The thought of going home to Peter turned her stomach, so she had hidden herself away in her office for as long as she could, watching everyone else slope away for the weekend.
Most of her colleagues ignored her or waved goodbye, and the braver ones poked their head round the door and offered feeble goodnights. Diane had even offered to drive her home, which was probably a nice thing to do but in her wounded state made her feel thoroughly pathetic.
Suddenly, sat in her office alone and contemplating a weekend of arguments and lies, her composure broke, and she found herself sitting on the carpet and sobbing. And even that felt like defeat.
She sat there, helpless, as the tears fell. A noise at the door made her look up, and she saw Kalinda standing in the doorway. She quickly looked away, embarrassed that anyone would see her like this, and tried to speak but found she couldn’t.
Kalinda stayed in the doorway for a few more moments, and then came and quietly sat next to her on the carpet, stretching her boots out and crossing her legs at the ankle. She stayed there, not saying anything, as Alicia fought with her breathing and tried to get herself under control.
After a few more minutes, Alicia took a final deep breath and managed to stem the tears. Embarrassed and raw, she stared at the wall and tried very hard not to think.
“You need a cuddle?”
Alicia turned and stared at her, her mouth hanging open slightly in surprise. “You’re going to give me a cuddle?”
“I was gonna get one of the secretaries to do it.”
Alicia laughed, although her laughter faded almost immediately. She knew that Kalinda was just trying to cheer her up a little, but right at that moment, she found herself wishing that her friend was genuinely just a little more…cuddly. Because maybe a good bear hug was exactly what she needed. What she deserved right now after so many months of crap.
She sighed, and then noticed Kalinda watching her. She gave her a limp smile to show that she wasn’t going to burst in tears again, and then looked away.
And then she felt Kalinda take her hand, gently, and start stroking her skin with her thumb. She stared down at their hands, and then tried to look at Kalinda’s face surreptitiously. Kalinda was looking straight ahead, and her expression, as usual, showed little of what she was thinking. And the thumb kept stroking.
Alicia tried to remember a time when Kalinda had touched her before, even briefly, and apart from the most inconsequential of shoulder taps she couldn’t remember a single time.
Perhaps that was why this felt so…comforting. So unusual. So exactly what she needed.
She’d never known anyone quite like this woman. This woman who never, ever, ever told her anything about her life, or how she felt about her or their friendship, but still somehow made her feel more cared for and protected than her own philandering husband. This woman who was so unreadable and who seemed to read her like a book.
Alicia sat there for a few more minutes, lapping up the closeness and the care. She thought briefly about saying thank you, but knew immediately that Kalinda would just fob her off or pretend that she wasn’t even helping her, so she stayed silent.
For the first time that day, she felt something close to calm.
Sacrifice
“Because I’m a lesbian.”
Alicia froze. Standing just outside the courtroom door, she had been listening to Kalinda’s testimony for 20 minutes, dreading what might be revealed but unable to tear herself away.
The events with Peter had left her jealous and fearful of any woman Peter had ever looked at, and God knows he would have looked at Kalinda Sharma. She looked at Kalinda Sharma, and she was supposed to be as straight as they come.
And there was this niggling doubt at the back of her mind that maybe Kalinda was too…nice to her. Too solicitous. Too protective. That maybe she just felt guilty, and sorry for her, a trusting, stupid wife who was so naïve she would become friends with her husband’s ex-lover.
But now…the attorney had been peppering Kalinda with questions about her relationship with Peter since she took the stand, and Kalinda had been answering with what sounded like the truth. But it also sounded…ambigious.
Yes, they had had drinks together sometimes. Yes, he once bought her dinner. Yes, he once drove her home.
And Alicia had been feeling more and more horrified, as the pieces fitted together in her head, and her favorite person at Lockhart Gardener began to reveal her secrets.
And then…wham. She had revealed her secrets. Her lesbian secrets. In front of the whole courtroom, on the record, when she had refused to tell Alicia in a bar one night in confidence.
Alicia’s mind raced. Kalinda had completely killed the attorney’s line of questioning, although he stupidly tried one more time (“And you never sleep with men?” “I’m an excellent lesbian, Mr Lloyd. No I don’t sleep with men”) and she had outed herself to a roomful of people. Jesus.
Alicia waited for Kalinda to leave the stand, and followed her as she left the courtroom.
“Hey.”
“Hey. Thought I told you not to come to court.”
“I know, I just…had to. What just happened?”
“I have more important things to do, and I wanted to be doing them.”
“Kalinda.”
“What?” Alicia studied her face, and she could see, for possibly the first time ever, that Kalinda looked…not exactly scared, but something close to it. Unsettled. Uncontrolled.
“Was that for me?” Alicia asked softly.
“Like I said, I have things to do. I’ll see you later.”
“Kalinda.” Alicia grabbed her hand and held her back. Pulling a little harder than she’d intended meant that Kalinda fell into her slightly, invading her personal space. They stood there, looking into each other’s eyes, Alicia aware that she was starting to blush, and that people were looking at them, but entirely unable to move away.
“Thank you,” she said, and tried to read Kalinda’s face. She thought she saw anxiety still, and tension, but also…something glowing underneath. A spark.
“You’re welcome,” said Kalinda quietly, a grin starting to form on her face, and Alicia blushed fully now, in her awareness of how close they were standing and how two words from this woman could affect her.
“Are you going to let go of my hand?”
Alicia unthinkingly looked at their hands, still entwined and refusing to let go. She didn’t want to let go. She wanted to hug her, she wanted Kalinda to flirt with her and tease her and make grand gestures of abandoned privacy because it all made her feel so good.
But she couldn’t tell her any of that. She didn’t know how, or what it might mean if she spoke the words aloud. So she let go of her hand.
And they still stood there, looking at each other. And Alicia had so much to say.
Gratitude
The case was dragging on and on, and getting duller by the minute. Alicia and Kalinda had been working on it since late November, and had filled boxes and boxes with documents that they now had to go through before the trial, looking for that one killer bit of evidence that seemed more elusive by the day.
Alicia would usually have hated working so hard so close to Christmas, but this year she was grateful. Peter was in full-on guilty father mode and was spending most of his time trying to instill some Christmas spirit into his somewhat reluctant teenage children.
Which meant that she could legitimately spend as much time as she wanted at work, away from the big questions of marriage and divorce and futures and breaking families. Hiding with Kalinda in cramped rooms and calm silence, and an unspoken knowledge that they could delegate some of this work to their assistants, but chose not to because…well, because Alicia had problems, and Kalinda…Kalinda just chose to be here.
In her most confident moments Alicia thought that maybe Kalinda chose to be here because she chose to be near her. But she didn’t have many confident moments these days.
“We’re almost done on the background stuff. You have anything there?”
“Nope. Nothing useful. We should probably call it a day.”
Alica felt a small pang of disappointment, but smiled her agreement. “I have something for you first.”
“Sorry?”
“I have something for you. A Christmas present.”
“I…you do?”
Alicia smiled broadly at Kalinda’s startled expression, relishing one of the few times that she had been able to surprise her. She had been planning this for a while, in return for all of Kalinda’s care - the protective help and support had been building up for two years now, not to mention the whole “I’m a lesbian” declaration to help Peter’s case. She owed her.
“Here.” She handed over the gift, which she had carefully wrapped in the schmaltziest paper she could find (happy snowmen, it turned out), with ribbon and a bow on the top. She grinned as Kalinda took the gift and stared at the little snowmen.
“You’re supposed to take the paper off.”
Kalinda gave her the “no kidding” look, and started ripping opening the present.
“You know if you did that carefully you could use the paper another time.”
“What can I say, I’m impatient.” Kalinda finished with the paper, tossed it down on the table, and gazed at her present. Her orange present. In the shape of a notebook.
“I wanted to get you something that you would appreciate. Those are your favorite, right?”
Kalinda gazed a little longer at the present, and then looked up at Alicia with a growing smile. “Yeah. These are my favorite.”
They sat there, smiling at each other, for a few moments more, until Alicia said “You’re supposed to say ‘Thank you, Alicia’.”
“Thank you, Alicia. It’s a good job you’re here to make sure I do this stuff correctly.”
“Isn’t it? I don’t know how you manage without me, to be honest.”
“Neither do I.”
Kalinda opened the notebook and ruffled through the pages. “You know, I feel bad. I didn’t get you anything.”
“Oh, that’s OK, I wasn’t expecting anything. You can buy me a drink sometime.”
Kalinda looked up at her again, and the smile had gone, replaced by a look that for some reason made Alicia’s pulse beat a little faster.
And faster still, as Kalinda leaned forward, placed her hand on the side of Alicia’s face, and softly, ever so gently, kissed her cheek.
“Thank you. It’s a very thoughtful present.”
Alicia sat frozen to the spot. Kalinda’s hand was still touching her face, and their eyes were locked together. She couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, and she wanted…she just wanted…
So she did. In a moment of pure feeling, unsullied by doubts or fear or thought, she leaned in towards Kalinda, and kissed her.
Kalinda sat very still for a few moments, and then she started kissing back, and Alicia was totally lost. A soft, tentative kiss turned to open-mouthed passion and Alicia moaned as she finally, finally expressed what she’d been feeling forever, finally knew that the feeling was returned.
One minute passed, and two, and five, and still they kissed. A fleeting thought invaded Alicia’s mind about whoever was left in the office, but it wasn’t nearly worrying enough to make her break this kiss, this connection. Kalinda’s hand was in her hair, and the other around her waist, and oh God, now Kalinda was moaning as their tongues met, and it felt like a decade’s worth of desire revealed in a single kiss.
Finally Alicia needed air, so she pulled away, panting, electrified, staring at Kalinda’s lips and her mussed up hair and the desire she saw reflected in her eyes. The rush of adrenaline made her fearless: “Those notebooks are really expensive, you know. You probably owe me some more.”
And Kalinda beamed at her, a stunning and childlike and gleeful and fully free smile. Alicia felt like she’d just saved the world.