The Kalinda Conversation
Title: The Kalinda Conversation
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Spoilers: Up to 2x20 plus possible spoiler for 2x21
Rating: PG
Summary: Alicia and Kalinda have That Talk.
Author's Note: Contains spoilers up to 2x20 and also a vague "this might happen, but also might not" spoiler that has been given for 2x21.
"You're resigning?"
Alicia bursts into the conference room late on Monday evening, long after the others have gone home. She is furious, eyes blazing, although even in her anger she's still fighting to keep control.
Kalinda is sat on the floor going through a mass of documents from her latest case. She stares at Alicia, surprised. She hadn't been expecting this. Not after a month of icy glares and frozen tension. She'd expected Alicia to let her quietly slink off and lick her wounds.
"Yes," she says. "You saw Will?"
"He said you gave notice today. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I thought it would be best. I thought...it would be what you wanted."
"You didn't bother to fucking ask me what I wanted, Kalinda Sharma. You haven't bothered to fucking talk to me at all, unless you count your pathethic little apology that took all of twenty seconds."
"I just thought that it would be easier if I was gone."
"Easier for you, you mean! Easier to avoid me and pretend you never met me, you never hurt me! You fucking coward. You can't even look at me now. You were just going to run away, weren't you? Well you know what, you don't get to decide that, Kalinda. Let's go, right now. I want the whole truth, all of it. And don't you fucking dare lie to me."
Kalinda sits stunned. She feels on the edge of tears again, as she has done for so much of the past few months. Her mind is blank, and all she knows is that she wants this to be over.
"Don't know where to start? Well, here, I'll help you. You fucked my husband. Yes or no?"
Miserable, resigned, Kalinda drops the document she'd been holding and stares at the carpet.
"Yes."
"Where?"
"A hotel."
"How many times?"
"One time. One night."
"One time, or one night?"
Kalinda can't believe she is asking these questions, that she'd want to put herself through this. But she has to be honest, if that's what Alicia wants, and she knows it. Absolute honesty or she's finished. They're finished. "Both. One time, one night."
"Was it good?"
"Sorry?"
"You're sorry? Was it good? The sex with my husband, did you have a good time? Did you get off?"
Kalinda can't bring herself to raise her eyes, but she feels Alicia's gaze as a laser beam. Staring. Burning. She loses the battle with her tears, and feels them spill down her cheeks. Alicia's stare doesn't falter.
"I don't think you want me to answer that."
"Of course I fucking want you to answer that, Kalinda. That's why I asked." Kalinda physically flinches from the sheer depth of the anger in Alicia's voice. Wishes she were anywhere else but here, in this room full of pain.
She takes a breath, and tries to control her voice. "I...it was...I was lonely, and in trouble, and he was...kind to me. He was half-drunk and he left right after we...No, it wasn't good."
She doesn't know if she's going to survive this intact, if all of Alicia's disgust and disappointment and anger will set up home somewhere inside her and never leave. The word "lonely" reverberates around her head, mocking her. Poor little Kalinda, in her sad little state. Fucking her pain away with someone else's husband. She deserves the disgust. She'll take it all.
"You're not a lesbian?"
"I'm bisexual."
"So you sleep with other people's wives as well as their husbands?"
A sharp sting inside of her. "No."
"Just husbands then? Or just my husband?"
"I've...it had never...happened before. And I never would again."
"How very noble of you. Did you think about his wife at all? Wonder whether she'd mind?"
"I thought that, I don't know. I thought...that it was his problem, not mine. I just...tried not to think about it. About you. The possibility of you."
"You hated me when you met me. That first day, didn't you? You thought I was pathetic for staying with him."
She'd known exactly what Alicia would be like before she'd even met her. A dull, pointless housewife, a weak little woman who couldn't cope without a man. Maybe that's why she'd been so blindsided. Such low expectations, and people didn't usually surprise her.
"I was arrogant about you. I thought you were, just, I don't know. Some...suburban housewife. I was so fucking arrogant about you. I was so fucking wrong." She takes a breath, swipes at some of the tears, draws her knees up to her body. Braces herself for the next blow to fall.
"You're more upset than I thought you'd be."
And Christ, that one hurts. "You're a cold-hearted bitch." That's what she really means, what she'd say if she wasn't so classy.
"You didn't think I'd be upset?"
"There are other jobs, Kalinda. It's not like you're going to be destitute."
Kalinda stares at her. "You think I'm upset about my job?"
"You seemed fine before today."
"I wasn't fine, Alicia, I was...I'm not upset about the stupid job."
"Then what's with the tears? I know we were friends but we weren't exactly close, Kalinda." Another sharp sting.
She's on a cliff edge. The only way down is to jump.
"I'm upset because...because I've hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you, I would have done anything...to not hurt you, to protect you...if I'd known you back then...Alicia..." Just say it, you coward, you stupid fucking coward. "I love you."
And Alicia laughs at her. A short, sarcastic ridicule, and it might well be the most horrifying sound she's ever heard. Something inside of her breaks, and she hides her face in her arms and cries.
Through a fog of pain she hears Alicia open the door and leave, which feels like a relief and a final "fuck you" combined. The sobs keep coming for a few more minutes, and she lets them, helpless and hopeless.
Suddenly the door opens again. She looks up quickly to see who it is, and is shocked to see Alicia again. She's carrying a box of tissues, and she hands one to her without a word.
Kalinda ineffectually wipes her face. Fails to stop crying. Tries to breathe.
"I'm sorry," says Alicia quietly. "The way you've acted lately, I thought that you were...that you didn't even...I shouldn't have reacted like that, you just took me by surprise, that's all. I'm sorry."
Kalinda nods slightly. She's astonished, and somehow not remotely surprised, by Alicia's kindness. It feels heavenly. She's desperate for more and has no idea how to get it.
"When you said...what you just said, did you mean...I mean, as a friend, or..." Alicia trails off. Kalinda takes another tissue, stares miserably at the floor. Opens her mouth to speak.
"You know what," says Alicia gently, "You don't have to answer that one. Don't answer that."
And there's silence. The minutes tick by, three minutes, five. Kalinda waits.
"I don't think you should resign. I'll get your letter back from Will." Alicia's voice is calmer now, gentler, but there's still tension there, and without the fury to carry her along she now sounds just this side of exhausted.
"I...you will?" A surge of excitement races through Kalinda's body, a surge of hope.
"Now isn't the time to be making life-changing decisions, for either of us. We're both hurt. We'll take some time, OK? Just, I don't know, sit with things for a while, see how we feel. Decide how important this friendship is to both of us. Whether it's worth it. But if we're ever going to be anything to each other Kalinda then you need to be honest with me from now on, always, about everything.
"If I ask you something then I expect an honest answer, private person or not. You can't hide whatever's in your past, and you can't just not tell me things and expect me to know what you're thinking. You've never even said that you like me, Kalinda, that you're glad we're friends, let alone that you...you'll have to trust me properly, if I'm going to trust you.
"So you need some time to decide whether that's something you're prepared to do. And I need some time to decide whether I can forgive you. Whether I want to forgive you."
Kalinda nods.
"OK." Alicia exhales a long breath, and runs her hand through her hair. "I'm going home now. I'll see you around."
Alicia is halfway out the door when Kalinda says "Alicia?"
"Yes?"
"I don't need any time to think." Kalinda braves a look at Alicia's face, and she thinks she sees the faintest smile there, a hint of affection. Or maybe that's just her own yearning imagination.
"Right. Then you'll need to wait for me. OK?"
"OK."
"Goodnight, Kalinda."
"Goodnight."
Alicia leaves the room and closes the door. Kalinda sinks back against the wall, crushing her tissue in her hand, replaying the conversation in her head. Hoping. Hoping.
That maybe this time love won't hurt.
Author: variousflumps
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Spoilers: Up to 2x20 plus possible spoiler for 2x21
Rating: PG
Summary: Alicia and Kalinda have That Talk.
Author's Note: Contains spoilers up to 2x20 and also a vague "this might happen, but also might not" spoiler that has been given for 2x21.
"You're resigning?"
Alicia bursts into the conference room late on Monday evening, long after the others have gone home. She is furious, eyes blazing, although even in her anger she's still fighting to keep control.
Kalinda is sat on the floor going through a mass of documents from her latest case. She stares at Alicia, surprised. She hadn't been expecting this. Not after a month of icy glares and frozen tension. She'd expected Alicia to let her quietly slink off and lick her wounds.
"Yes," she says. "You saw Will?"
"He said you gave notice today. What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I thought it would be best. I thought...it would be what you wanted."
"You didn't bother to fucking ask me what I wanted, Kalinda Sharma. You haven't bothered to fucking talk to me at all, unless you count your pathethic little apology that took all of twenty seconds."
"I just thought that it would be easier if I was gone."
"Easier for you, you mean! Easier to avoid me and pretend you never met me, you never hurt me! You fucking coward. You can't even look at me now. You were just going to run away, weren't you? Well you know what, you don't get to decide that, Kalinda. Let's go, right now. I want the whole truth, all of it. And don't you fucking dare lie to me."
Kalinda sits stunned. She feels on the edge of tears again, as she has done for so much of the past few months. Her mind is blank, and all she knows is that she wants this to be over.
"Don't know where to start? Well, here, I'll help you. You fucked my husband. Yes or no?"
Miserable, resigned, Kalinda drops the document she'd been holding and stares at the carpet.
"Yes."
"Where?"
"A hotel."
"How many times?"
"One time. One night."
"One time, or one night?"
Kalinda can't believe she is asking these questions, that she'd want to put herself through this. But she has to be honest, if that's what Alicia wants, and she knows it. Absolute honesty or she's finished. They're finished. "Both. One time, one night."
"Was it good?"
"Sorry?"
"You're sorry? Was it good? The sex with my husband, did you have a good time? Did you get off?"
Kalinda can't bring herself to raise her eyes, but she feels Alicia's gaze as a laser beam. Staring. Burning. She loses the battle with her tears, and feels them spill down her cheeks. Alicia's stare doesn't falter.
"I don't think you want me to answer that."
"Of course I fucking want you to answer that, Kalinda. That's why I asked." Kalinda physically flinches from the sheer depth of the anger in Alicia's voice. Wishes she were anywhere else but here, in this room full of pain.
She takes a breath, and tries to control her voice. "I...it was...I was lonely, and in trouble, and he was...kind to me. He was half-drunk and he left right after we...No, it wasn't good."
She doesn't know if she's going to survive this intact, if all of Alicia's disgust and disappointment and anger will set up home somewhere inside her and never leave. The word "lonely" reverberates around her head, mocking her. Poor little Kalinda, in her sad little state. Fucking her pain away with someone else's husband. She deserves the disgust. She'll take it all.
"You're not a lesbian?"
"I'm bisexual."
"So you sleep with other people's wives as well as their husbands?"
A sharp sting inside of her. "No."
"Just husbands then? Or just my husband?"
"I've...it had never...happened before. And I never would again."
"How very noble of you. Did you think about his wife at all? Wonder whether she'd mind?"
"I thought that, I don't know. I thought...that it was his problem, not mine. I just...tried not to think about it. About you. The possibility of you."
"You hated me when you met me. That first day, didn't you? You thought I was pathetic for staying with him."
She'd known exactly what Alicia would be like before she'd even met her. A dull, pointless housewife, a weak little woman who couldn't cope without a man. Maybe that's why she'd been so blindsided. Such low expectations, and people didn't usually surprise her.
"I was arrogant about you. I thought you were, just, I don't know. Some...suburban housewife. I was so fucking arrogant about you. I was so fucking wrong." She takes a breath, swipes at some of the tears, draws her knees up to her body. Braces herself for the next blow to fall.
"You're more upset than I thought you'd be."
And Christ, that one hurts. "You're a cold-hearted bitch." That's what she really means, what she'd say if she wasn't so classy.
"You didn't think I'd be upset?"
"There are other jobs, Kalinda. It's not like you're going to be destitute."
Kalinda stares at her. "You think I'm upset about my job?"
"You seemed fine before today."
"I wasn't fine, Alicia, I was...I'm not upset about the stupid job."
"Then what's with the tears? I know we were friends but we weren't exactly close, Kalinda." Another sharp sting.
She's on a cliff edge. The only way down is to jump.
"I'm upset because...because I've hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt you, I would have done anything...to not hurt you, to protect you...if I'd known you back then...Alicia..." Just say it, you coward, you stupid fucking coward. "I love you."
And Alicia laughs at her. A short, sarcastic ridicule, and it might well be the most horrifying sound she's ever heard. Something inside of her breaks, and she hides her face in her arms and cries.
Through a fog of pain she hears Alicia open the door and leave, which feels like a relief and a final "fuck you" combined. The sobs keep coming for a few more minutes, and she lets them, helpless and hopeless.
Suddenly the door opens again. She looks up quickly to see who it is, and is shocked to see Alicia again. She's carrying a box of tissues, and she hands one to her without a word.
Kalinda ineffectually wipes her face. Fails to stop crying. Tries to breathe.
"I'm sorry," says Alicia quietly. "The way you've acted lately, I thought that you were...that you didn't even...I shouldn't have reacted like that, you just took me by surprise, that's all. I'm sorry."
Kalinda nods slightly. She's astonished, and somehow not remotely surprised, by Alicia's kindness. It feels heavenly. She's desperate for more and has no idea how to get it.
"When you said...what you just said, did you mean...I mean, as a friend, or..." Alicia trails off. Kalinda takes another tissue, stares miserably at the floor. Opens her mouth to speak.
"You know what," says Alicia gently, "You don't have to answer that one. Don't answer that."
And there's silence. The minutes tick by, three minutes, five. Kalinda waits.
"I don't think you should resign. I'll get your letter back from Will." Alicia's voice is calmer now, gentler, but there's still tension there, and without the fury to carry her along she now sounds just this side of exhausted.
"I...you will?" A surge of excitement races through Kalinda's body, a surge of hope.
"Now isn't the time to be making life-changing decisions, for either of us. We're both hurt. We'll take some time, OK? Just, I don't know, sit with things for a while, see how we feel. Decide how important this friendship is to both of us. Whether it's worth it. But if we're ever going to be anything to each other Kalinda then you need to be honest with me from now on, always, about everything.
"If I ask you something then I expect an honest answer, private person or not. You can't hide whatever's in your past, and you can't just not tell me things and expect me to know what you're thinking. You've never even said that you like me, Kalinda, that you're glad we're friends, let alone that you...you'll have to trust me properly, if I'm going to trust you.
"So you need some time to decide whether that's something you're prepared to do. And I need some time to decide whether I can forgive you. Whether I want to forgive you."
Kalinda nods.
"OK." Alicia exhales a long breath, and runs her hand through her hair. "I'm going home now. I'll see you around."
Alicia is halfway out the door when Kalinda says "Alicia?"
"Yes?"
"I don't need any time to think." Kalinda braves a look at Alicia's face, and she thinks she sees the faintest smile there, a hint of affection. Or maybe that's just her own yearning imagination.
"Right. Then you'll need to wait for me. OK?"
"OK."
"Goodnight, Kalinda."
"Goodnight."
Alicia leaves the room and closes the door. Kalinda sinks back against the wall, crushing her tissue in her hand, replaying the conversation in her head. Hoping. Hoping.
That maybe this time love won't hurt.