Title: Now and Forever…いつまでも…
Author: Mayonaka no Taiyou/Unare Haineko
Pairing: [Juntoshi] Matsumoto Jun x Ohno Satoshi
Rating: PG-13-ish overall
Summary: This story follows Ayumu, a more or less normal child born in 2012, three years after the ending of ‘Kodoku kara Umareta Ai’ (which you can read
here). His parents, Jun and Ohno, are everything but ‘normal’ in their often unconventional attempts to deal with some of the challenges of parenthood as they try to ‘blend in’ with ‘normal people’.
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Now and Forever…Itsumademo - Chapter 07
Aiba’s phone rang cheerily as it vibrated across the night stand. Aiba groaned and picked it up.
‘One new email from ‘Fa-nine.’
Aiba yawned as he looked at the clock before opening his phone.
‘FRI 4:02 AM’.
‘Yo, yo, yo, Ki-Sa-Ma! What happened to Thirsty Thursdayz wit’ da boyz? We was waitin’ for u! What’s happenin’, my man? U up for chillin’ with ur home boyz tonite? It’s Friday and we goin’ be at the club partyin’ like rock stars!’
‘Fa-nine’, pronounced ‘fah-9’, was the alias of a guy Aiba had met at a club one night. His real name was Suzuki Tarou the III (鈴木 太郎 三世), the John Doe of all Japanese names. Creativity did not exactly run in the family. Aiba had been outside getting some fresh air when Fa-nine had been kicked out of a moving car and rolled out onto the curb right in front of Aiba. He was drunk and probably high when Aiba rushed to his side asking him if he was alright. He had cut up his arm and skinned his knee quite badly from the fall and was babbling in and out of consciousness. When he started snoring, Aiba pulled him to the side onto a patch of grass where he cleaned and bandaged up Fa-nine’s wounds with whatever he could get from the convenience store across the street. Aiba could not leave him like that, so he waited a few hours for Fa-nine to wake up, which he fortunately did in the wee hours of the morning. He seemed lucid but was confused as to why he was on the ground with Aiba staring down at him.
Aiba explained how he had flown out of the car and how he had been too worried to leave him out there. He had bought Fa-nine a rice ball and a bottle of water, which Fa-nine had gratefully accepted saying he could not remember when he had last eaten. Long story short, he was fascinated and moved by Aiba’s kindness to a complete stranger and he promised to buy Aiba drinks the next time they met (when he located his wallet). Fa-nine had asked Aiba for his email address and phone number so he could contact him and gave Aiba his contact information.
The origin of his name came up when Aiba asked what he should put the contact information under. Fa-nine explained that he used to write ‘Fa-9’, because he thought it looked cool to have your name read as ‘fa-kyuu’ in Japanese (‘fuck you’), but it ended up getting him in a lot of trouble at the bars and clubs where there were a lot of foreigners in his days as a underage minor, so he changed it to Fa-nine. Fa-nine was also the one that gave Aiba a new nickname by reversing his name written in hiragana from ‘Masaki’ to ‘Ki-Sa-Ma’.
Fa-nine did eventually take Aiba out for drinks and introduced him to his thuggish friends, who although looked scary on the outside, were actually quite nice people. Aiba liked hanging out with them from time to time-drinking, partying at the exclusive underground clubs until morning, passing out at Fa-nine’s suite in Roppongi Hills, waking up at three in the afternoon and ordering fried chicken from the KFC down the street. He never felt like they treated him differently because he was a celebrity. They never took advantage of him and they always made sure he was taken care of. Aiba had actually only recently realized that Fa-nine was the leader of a rather large group of thugs and hoodlums. And fortunately for Aiba, people like Fa-nine do not party in the same places idols like Aiba normally partied, which was why he had not been caught by the jimusho or by Sho, who greatly disapproved the dark nightlife scene. Aiba was certain he would be in serious trouble if he was ever caught with Fa-nine and his crew.
The email he received was another one of Fa-nine’s occasional invitations which often came at the most ungodly hours of the night. Aiba wrote back to Fa-nine.
‘Sorry. Sho-chan and I got into a fight last night and I didn’t feel like going out.’
Fa-nine wrote back.
‘Oh, Kakeru being a wet blanket on ur parade again?’
Fa-nine had misread Sho’s name the first time Aiba had mentioned Sho in an email. Now he just called Sho that because he found it funny. He also had a problem with keeping his metaphors straight.
‘Yes, he’s such a meanie!’
Fa-nine did not seem to mind that Aiba was seeing Sho. He just made sure when they all went to the club that Aiba had plenty of sexy men as well as women to dance with. Though he did have a bit of a soft spot for Aiba, so anytime Sho was being an ass to Aiba, he always offered to ‘take him out’, an offer Aiba vehemently declined. While Fa-nine did not always have the best sounding advice, he never ignored Aiba unlike certain former Arashi members who shall remain nameless.
‘4get his ass. Come party with us! I know u don’t do all da crazy semi-illegal shit we do, but I gotta nice bottle of alkie with ur name on it!’
‘I dunno…I don’t feel much like partying…’
‘Come on…get outta dat hauz. U gotta relax sometimes. No worry. We gots ya. Come!’
‘Okay…’
‘Gr8. U know where we’ll be.’
Aiba always ended up giving in when he knew he should stop hanging out with Fa-nine. But Fa-nine was fun, unlike how Sho had been acting for the past few months.
Aiba turned on the light and rolled up his sleeves. Some of the blood had seeped through the bandage and had since begun the process of turning from red to rust colored. Aiba knew what was next. The blood had probably cemented the bandages to his skin and if he pulled the bandages off, the wounds would most likely open up again. He was still upset with Sho and had he not had made plans with Fa-nine, he would have indulged in at least bleeding a few of the cuts. But he could not very well be bleeding that night when he was out with Fa-nine, so he refrained.
This was not the first time Aiba had engaged in self-mutilation. He used to cut himself when he was in middle school, a time when he did not realize he would never be able to love a girl like she wanted him to. Aiba had dated five girls in the three year span of middle school and each relationship ended badly. Girlfriend #1 said he was too weird. Girlfriend #2 said he was too dark for her and that she needed someone who was not so ‘emo’ all the time. This had been the turning point into his conscious change to try to become more of the Aiba-chan people knew him as today-happy, cheerful, and overly optimistic. Girlfriend #3 said he was not attentive enough. Girlfriend #4 cheated on him and then dumped him after he took her back. Girlfriend #5 was a rebound relationship for the both of them and the last relationship he would ever have with a girl. At the end of each relationship he always felt the need to cut himself to distract himself from the pain in his heart over the fact that he could never satisfy the desires of any girl he went out with. Because he developed the unhealthy habit of cutting himself whenever he was upset, the older he got the more he was unable to kick his addiction to physical pain when the emotional pain got to be too much for him to handle.
Aiba hid his secret well. By the time he debuted with Arashi, he had perfected his persona of constant cheer. He was sure that none of the other members suspected that he actually had a ‘dark side’ to him that told him to cut himself when he was upset or occasionally made him want to lock himself in his room for days on end while he stared at the four walls for no apparent reason. The others were so accustomed to the Aiba they thought that they knew, he felt it would be too shocking if he ever let that dark side of him take over even for a split second. He feared its existence and was even more terrified to explore it lest it swallow him up and never let cheerful Aiba come back out again. He had not even told his parents about this side of himself. How could he? He was too ashamed that it even existed in his happy-go-lucky family.
Self-mutilation was such an ugly addiction-the blood, the bandages, the scarring. Only one person had ever been close to ever figuring out his secret and that person had been Jun, who noticed the end of a piece of gauze sticking out from his sleeve. Aiba told him he had burned himself at his parents’ restaurant, but Jun’s sharp eyes noticed a bit of blood on Aiba’s sleeves that had bled through the bandages. Jun asked about it and Aiba had made up some lame excuse that Jun clearly did not believe, but he did not pursue it any further than that. Then there was the deceit involved. Because it was his dirty little secret that could never be exposed at any cost, it was like he was always looking over his shoulder. He always had to make sure he was alone. He had to hide the bloody gauze and bandages, makeup excuses about why he was wearing long sleeves in the middle of summer, and resist the urge to pick at the scabbing, thereby reopening the wounds and prolonging the healing process. Sometimes, Aiba wondered if he even wanted to overcome his addiction. It did not hurt anyone else and was disturbingly comforting.
He could just imagine what someone like Sho would say. ‘Why are you doing this to yourself?!’ Of course someone who had it all like Sho could never understand how someone like Aiba would willingly and purposely hurt himself. Sho did not understand a lot of things about Aiba that he kept hidden under his guise of cheerfulness and naïveté and Aiba never expected him to. In reality, Aiba was happy that Sho and everyone around him only know the Aiba that he showed to them. It was better and a whole lot simpler that way. He was in control of his addiction. He kept telling himself that he could quit at any time. He never cut too deeply. He knew his limits. The last thing he wanted was to end up in the hospital with Sho asking all these questions all before he became disgusted at the answers that Aiba would have to give him and ultimately lead to Sho leaving Aiba because he believed Aiba to be insane and too disturbing to love.
Aiba needed Sho’s love and acceptance. Sho was the only one who was always on his side. When Nino and Jun were upset and ready to wring his neck because of something dumb or inconsiderate he had done, Sho was always there as the accomplice even though he had done nothing wrong. He always supported Aiba and made Aiba want to be a better, smarter, classier, more sophisticated person which was why he wanted to introduce Sho formally to his parents. He loved Sho so much that it hurt sometimes. But it was for that very reason that Sho was really the only one who could truly hurt Aiba. Nino and Jun’s snide comments rolled off his back like water off a duck’s feathers. But somehow when Sho made equally critical remarks, it was like daggers through Aiba’s heart. Sho held Aiba’s life in his hands and Aiba continued to trust him with that power. The problem was whether or not Sho realized what he held before he completely destroyed it.
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8:42 AM…
Daisuke sat at the tiny desk in his room at the end of the hall listening to the faint melancholy melody played by the inlaid wood music box he had open on his desk. Among the contents of the box were pictures, trinkets, the passbook for his savings account, newspaper clippings, a bunch of folded color brochures and a student identification card for a beautiful young boy named Tsukishima Daisuke (築嶋大介). Daisuke unfolded one of the worn brochures that read ‘Nihon Seika Senmon Gakkou (Japan Pastry School)’.
‘Estimated Tuition Fees for 2 year certification program - 4 million yen’
‘Optional 2 year study abroad in France - 3 million yen’
In a red marker was ‘living expenses - 3 to 4 million yen’ scribbled in one of the corners. Daisuke looked at his savings book.
‘Savings - ¥ 1,867,420’.
“Oh-chan! Where’s the creamer for the coffee?” shouted Nino from the kitchen.
Daisuke snapped out of his reverie and shut the music box, stuffing it into the top drawer of the desk and pressing the protruding button to lock the drawer.
“It’s in the back of the orange juice,” Daisuke yelled back as he hurried to the kitchen.
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10:13 AM…
It was a cool morning at the ryokan Tatsumaki (龍巻) in Niigata. Jun was sitting on the wooden veranda on a zabuton pillow smoking a cigarette while he stared out at the mountains in the distance. He had been up for quite some time and had just begun the journey to self-reflection that morning. Having reached Niigata late on the previous evening, he checked into his hastily booked ryokan room and had gone to sleep. It was isolated from the rest of the other patrons of the ryokan and had thus had plenty of peace and quiet with which to meditate. Yet, despite having peace and quiet, the state of his heart and mind could not be farther from his surroundings.
His face appeared to be calm, but that was only because he had smoked an entire pack of cigarettes and the nicotine was starting to numb everything but his mind. His mind was in a state of turmoil as he struggled to sort out the myriad of feelings that had suddenly decided to surface unannounced and uninvited.
Downgraded from A-list celebrity to Japanese housewife! Psh! How rude…It wasn’t a downgrade. It was a strategic career move! That stupid socialite Erina. Who the hell does she think she is, criticizing me like that!
While he would not have used those exact words to describe his situation, Erina had hit the nail right on the head in her sudden mysterious phone call to him. And while he could spend hours (like he used to) trying to figure out her motives, he knew it was a futile exercise. Erina was just Erina. Sometimes she had a hidden agenda, other times they were blatantly self-serving purposes for her actions. Sometimes it was just too obvious that Jun had to wonder if it was a cover up for her true motives. But thinking like that would get him nowhere and was not conducive to the overall goal of getting some answers about himself. Forcing himself to drop the subject of Erina, which was difficult as he felt it was so much less intrusive to overanalyze Erina instead of himself. He did not come all the way to Niigata to think about Erina. He was here for himself and needed to keep reminding himself of that.
‘Jun, nice guys finish last. Did it make you feel good to play the martyr in all of this? Knowing that the others would never know of your sacrifice, never be able to appreciate the gesture of-‘
‘It doesn’t matter! I did it because I care-‘
Somehow Erina always seemed to use words that she knew would rile him up. Martyr. He hated that word especially when it was used to describe him. Yes, it was a sacrifice, but it was one he made willingly and with the best of intentions. Jun was someone who could not, would not, and did not do anything unless he could do it from his heart. If he could not do it from his heart, he had no problem telling whoever it was to find someone else. Yet, Jun always felt like he detected a bit of disdain or derision in modern usage of the word. It was never his intent to look better than everyone else by sacrificing his own interests. It was never about personal so-called glory or ego and it pissed him off when his good intentions were seen as such.
‘Acceptance of your miserable fate! Woe is me! Let us all silently suffer as we ‘gaman’ together! How Japanese!’
Jun had not initially seen himself as ‘miserable’ or lacking in any aspect of his life. While it was not the ideal decision, he always felt that he had made the best decision he could given the options at the time. He had to tell himself that. He could not risk slipping into a depression or becoming lost in an endless sea of ‘what if’s. He had gotten Ohno in the end and they had wanted to raise a son together because they felt their relationship was ready to be taken to the next level. Ayumu had been a blessing from heaven. He had brought them a new dimension of joy and Jun never regretted bringing him into this world.
Regret…
That was something that Jun not only hated with a passion, but he feared from the darkest corners of his mind to the depths of his heart. As someone who tried to avoid it on the onset, he thus spent a great deal of time deliberating before he generally made a decision. This was only because he liked to examine all his options, rather than like Nino who tried to plan and predict the outcomes of his options before making a decision. But the biggest life changing decision of his life so far (even bigger than the decision to bring Ayumu into the world) had been one based on impulse. In short, he had made an Aiba decision-based on emotion, raw passion, and little actual thought of whether or not it was a good idea. This was still better than a Sho decision, which was really no decision at all as it tended to reflect the desires of the majority of the group or the Ohno decision, which Jun felt like was based on nothing but ‘let’s go with the option that is going to cause least amount of inconvenience to me regardless of whether or not it actually makes sense’. Jun felt that if he examined all his possible options at the time and based his decision on what was sound, logical judgment, there should be no room for regret because he had made the best decision given the information at the time. He could not control people, so why bother trying to second guess them like trying to predict your opponent’s moves in chess. He was no brilliant strategist like Nino nor did he enjoy the chase and sport of it all like the hardcore gamer. He just needed to know that there would be no regrets for the sake of his sanity. This also meant that since Jun not a creature of impulse like Aiba when it came to decision making, he was ill prepared to deal with the dissonance resulting from said rash decisions.
There’s nothing regrettable about the last six years I’ve spent with him and Ayumu. I love them. We have a nice house, nice car, nice things…We live a very comfortable life for people who do not even work. We can afford to send Ayumu to the best educational institutions when he gets older. He is not going to be an idol like his parents dancing around like the organ grinder’s monkey. He’s going to be educated. Ayumu is a good kid and Leader is a good man. We love each other and we have a lot to be thankful for.
I don’t understand why I am feeling like this. Why do I miss my busy life? Is it because I miss being a diva celebrity and having people jump at my every request? I don’t miss the long hours shooting or all the frustrating hours I used to spend practicing those dances that I could never get right. I don’t miss being forced to do all those embarrassing things on national television. Or do I? Or do I just miss the others? Do I miss snarky Nino, silly Aiba, and athletically challenged Sho? -I do! But I can’t do anything about it! I’m not going to screw them over! Why am I so hung up about something I can’t change?! This is stupid, Jun! Snap out of it!
As he messed up his hair in frustration, he wondered to himself. Did he really have the power to change his own destiny?
‘Let us all silently suffer as we ‘gaman’ together! How Japanese!’
Was there really a way around the whole contract with Johnny? Was he really the master of his own fate even though he had virtually been the one that had damned himself in the first place?
“You don’t know yourself,” sneered the Erina in his head. “How can you even change your destiny when you don’t even understand who you are? And because you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what you’re doing or where you’re going…”
“That’s not true!” yelled Jun to the wind.
“You don’t know who you are…”
“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!” shouted Jun, covering his ears as if by doing that, the voices in his head would stop. “I KNOW WHO I AM! GO AWAY!”
“If you knew who you were, you wouldn’t be here looking for the answers to questions only you can answer yourself.”
“SHUT UP!”
It was now half past two. Jun was sweating and his voice was hoarse. He needed a break. He only said that because he had smoked all three packs of cigarettes and was now out. He had been sitting there for over seven hours fighting with himself and made very little progress. What he had done for the past seven hours had probably been two steps forward and about fifty backward, but his self-reflection was far from over. He needed to do this for himself. It was emotionally painful, ugly, and hurt his head to have to think so much, but he was not about to leave this ryokan until he had some concrete answers for himself.
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