SVU Fic: Demons (A/E)
Title: Demons
Fandom: Law & Order SVU
Pairings: Alex/Elliot
Rating: Mature Audiences
Summary: Elliot's thoughts as he and Alex share another night together.
Demons
**
Alexandra Cabot has demons. If she had them before she came to SVU, I don’t know. In all honesty, I’m afraid to ask because then all that 12 step crap that every dime store psychiatrist I’ve been sent to goes through my head. Asking means confronting. Confronting means dealing. Dealing means, hopefully, conquering. And conquering leaves open the possibility she may no longer need me. I’m just not ready for that yet.
She’s asleep now. The stony faced mask now removed, her features soft and peaceful. The sheets pulled back, revealing pale perfect skin still beaded with sweat. I watch her from my perch at the windowsill. I always watch afterwards. In case her demons come back and she needs me to push them away. And I sit, silent as a sentry, ready and willing should her demons return.
She was the first to move. A heated argument between us that escalated into something more. Until there we were in the middle of a darkened parking lot, without guilt, without remorse, without an ounce of decorum, fucking each other’s brains out.
Like an addict chasing the dragon, I’ve been coming back ever since. Coming back for the high I feel from her kisses. From the arms wrapped around my shoulders, my weight on top of her as she molds herself to me and I’m making her breathless as I come inside her. Part of me knows I should feel guilty. That I should stop. But, it’s an arrangement. As horrible as it sounds, she’s using me. I’m using her. She has her demons. I have mine.
She stirs slightly. Pulls the blonde hair from her face, turning to look at me with sleepy eyes. In the beginning, I’d leave right after. Pull on clothes weighted down with guilt, going home to a wife, a family, a life I don‘t deserve. Leave without saying goodbye. Nowadays, I linger. Pulled back by something I can’t explain and pretty much don’t want to.
She’s awake now. A soft laugh escapes her throat as she rolls over and the sound of Alex singing softly fills the air.
“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be..”.
“Someone to watch over me.” Her face lights up almost incredulously.
“You’re full of surprises.”
“What? A cop can’t know Gershwin?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. Knowing Gershwin and singing Gershwin are two separate things. You singing is something I never imagined seeing.”
Somehow, the idea of surprising her thrills me a little. Part of our game, I suppose. Catching her off guard. Forcing her to reevaluate her opinion of me. I’m not sure when her opinion of me mattered so much, it just does.
The silence between us returns. An air of seriousness as the softness in her face dissolves into the all too familiar stony mask.
“Elliot..” she gazes up at me with the saddest of eyes. Eyes I’ve seen a million times before. Eyes aching with hurt.
“Don’t.” I cut her off. She rises onto her elbows. The strategically placed sheet falling off her breasts. Whether on accident or on purpose, with Alex, it’s always hard to tell. Her lips spread into a half smile. Something she rarely does these days.
“It’s not the question you’re thinking.” She explains. She’s never asked aloud about what could be, what could have been. Never asks me to leave my wife, or family. She’s always accepted our arrangement for what it is. Probably more than I have since I‘m the one who keeps coming back. She sits up fully, wraps her elbows around her knees, eyes staring blankly out the window. “Have you ever thought about leaving SVU?”
“All the time.” She doesn’t follow up. Leaves me hanging with my own words. “I’m in too deep, I guess. Seen too much. Know too much. Out there. I’ve seen the sickness. The evil that hides in plain sight. Walks openly on the streets. The same streets my kids walk on. My family. My friends. The people I love.” She catches the sideways glance on that last one. She’s never asked what we both think. I’ve never said what‘s in my heart. I want to tell her that I care too much, too deeply. There are very few people I trust with this job. Trust enough to do it right. The words stop at the back of my throat. Instead, I turn the conversation back to her. “Have you thought about it?”
“Yes.” She sighs solemnly. Eyes focusing once again on me. Seeing me. Sometimes I think she can see right through me. To my very soul and the demons buried deep within. Her face slightly more pale than when she first awoke. “You stop the bad guys. And somebody has to put them away.”
Out of all of us, I think maybe Alex has sacrificed the most. SVU was nothing more than a stepping stone to greater things. The rest of us, we knew what we were getting in to. Some more than others, but we knew the same. Maybe somebody should have warned her. Warned her about the perps that show no remorse. About the victims that still breathe. Whose faces haunt you long after the case closes. If it closes. The sense that even when justice is served, it’s still not enough.
That even when we win, we lose.
She extends an arm. Almost childlike, reaching out to me. I take it and join her in bed. She lets me kiss her. My lips trail across her neck. Taste the salty sweat on her skin. Until her hearts beating a bit faster. The heat rising within her, flushing her skin, warming us both. Until she’s moaning, legs opening, wrapping around my waist. Lets me set the pace as slide into her. Her hips arch upwards letting me in. Arms wrapping around me, pulling me towards her. The unspoken rule between us, we can make love, just never call it what it is.
I lose myself in her. Her skin. Her smell. Her warmth. Her heat. Until I can hold back no more. The gentleness replaced with urgency. With need. And I’m grunting in her ear as she whispers vulgarities into mine.
She comes first. Legs squeezing around me like a vice. Her muscles clamping around me so tight my head spins. I keep going, keep riding, keep thrusting until my entire body is one giant spasm. Until it feels like my very soul is emptying inside her.
I roll onto my back, pulling her with me. She falls asleep in my arms. I stay awake, staring at the ceiling. Eventually, I’ll get up, shower, get dressed. Kiss her softly before I leave. Maybe, this time, whisper I love her in her ear. For now, I’m content to stay where I am. Wrapped in her embrace. The solace of her bed. The one place where I can chase away her demons.
And she chases away mine.
END
Fandom: Law & Order SVU
Pairings: Alex/Elliot
Rating: Mature Audiences
Summary: Elliot's thoughts as he and Alex share another night together.
Demons
**
Alexandra Cabot has demons. If she had them before she came to SVU, I don’t know. In all honesty, I’m afraid to ask because then all that 12 step crap that every dime store psychiatrist I’ve been sent to goes through my head. Asking means confronting. Confronting means dealing. Dealing means, hopefully, conquering. And conquering leaves open the possibility she may no longer need me. I’m just not ready for that yet.
She’s asleep now. The stony faced mask now removed, her features soft and peaceful. The sheets pulled back, revealing pale perfect skin still beaded with sweat. I watch her from my perch at the windowsill. I always watch afterwards. In case her demons come back and she needs me to push them away. And I sit, silent as a sentry, ready and willing should her demons return.
She was the first to move. A heated argument between us that escalated into something more. Until there we were in the middle of a darkened parking lot, without guilt, without remorse, without an ounce of decorum, fucking each other’s brains out.
Like an addict chasing the dragon, I’ve been coming back ever since. Coming back for the high I feel from her kisses. From the arms wrapped around my shoulders, my weight on top of her as she molds herself to me and I’m making her breathless as I come inside her. Part of me knows I should feel guilty. That I should stop. But, it’s an arrangement. As horrible as it sounds, she’s using me. I’m using her. She has her demons. I have mine.
She stirs slightly. Pulls the blonde hair from her face, turning to look at me with sleepy eyes. In the beginning, I’d leave right after. Pull on clothes weighted down with guilt, going home to a wife, a family, a life I don‘t deserve. Leave without saying goodbye. Nowadays, I linger. Pulled back by something I can’t explain and pretty much don’t want to.
She’s awake now. A soft laugh escapes her throat as she rolls over and the sound of Alex singing softly fills the air.
“There’s a somebody I’m longing to see. I hope that he turns out to be..”.
“Someone to watch over me.” Her face lights up almost incredulously.
“You’re full of surprises.”
“What? A cop can’t know Gershwin?”
“Don’t put words in my mouth. Knowing Gershwin and singing Gershwin are two separate things. You singing is something I never imagined seeing.”
Somehow, the idea of surprising her thrills me a little. Part of our game, I suppose. Catching her off guard. Forcing her to reevaluate her opinion of me. I’m not sure when her opinion of me mattered so much, it just does.
The silence between us returns. An air of seriousness as the softness in her face dissolves into the all too familiar stony mask.
“Elliot..” she gazes up at me with the saddest of eyes. Eyes I’ve seen a million times before. Eyes aching with hurt.
“Don’t.” I cut her off. She rises onto her elbows. The strategically placed sheet falling off her breasts. Whether on accident or on purpose, with Alex, it’s always hard to tell. Her lips spread into a half smile. Something she rarely does these days.
“It’s not the question you’re thinking.” She explains. She’s never asked aloud about what could be, what could have been. Never asks me to leave my wife, or family. She’s always accepted our arrangement for what it is. Probably more than I have since I‘m the one who keeps coming back. She sits up fully, wraps her elbows around her knees, eyes staring blankly out the window. “Have you ever thought about leaving SVU?”
“All the time.” She doesn’t follow up. Leaves me hanging with my own words. “I’m in too deep, I guess. Seen too much. Know too much. Out there. I’ve seen the sickness. The evil that hides in plain sight. Walks openly on the streets. The same streets my kids walk on. My family. My friends. The people I love.” She catches the sideways glance on that last one. She’s never asked what we both think. I’ve never said what‘s in my heart. I want to tell her that I care too much, too deeply. There are very few people I trust with this job. Trust enough to do it right. The words stop at the back of my throat. Instead, I turn the conversation back to her. “Have you thought about it?”
“Yes.” She sighs solemnly. Eyes focusing once again on me. Seeing me. Sometimes I think she can see right through me. To my very soul and the demons buried deep within. Her face slightly more pale than when she first awoke. “You stop the bad guys. And somebody has to put them away.”
Out of all of us, I think maybe Alex has sacrificed the most. SVU was nothing more than a stepping stone to greater things. The rest of us, we knew what we were getting in to. Some more than others, but we knew the same. Maybe somebody should have warned her. Warned her about the perps that show no remorse. About the victims that still breathe. Whose faces haunt you long after the case closes. If it closes. The sense that even when justice is served, it’s still not enough.
That even when we win, we lose.
She extends an arm. Almost childlike, reaching out to me. I take it and join her in bed. She lets me kiss her. My lips trail across her neck. Taste the salty sweat on her skin. Until her hearts beating a bit faster. The heat rising within her, flushing her skin, warming us both. Until she’s moaning, legs opening, wrapping around my waist. Lets me set the pace as slide into her. Her hips arch upwards letting me in. Arms wrapping around me, pulling me towards her. The unspoken rule between us, we can make love, just never call it what it is.
I lose myself in her. Her skin. Her smell. Her warmth. Her heat. Until I can hold back no more. The gentleness replaced with urgency. With need. And I’m grunting in her ear as she whispers vulgarities into mine.
She comes first. Legs squeezing around me like a vice. Her muscles clamping around me so tight my head spins. I keep going, keep riding, keep thrusting until my entire body is one giant spasm. Until it feels like my very soul is emptying inside her.
I roll onto my back, pulling her with me. She falls asleep in my arms. I stay awake, staring at the ceiling. Eventually, I’ll get up, shower, get dressed. Kiss her softly before I leave. Maybe, this time, whisper I love her in her ear. For now, I’m content to stay where I am. Wrapped in her embrace. The solace of her bed. The one place where I can chase away her demons.
And she chases away mine.
END