Watch your dogs. How do they react to her? They're probably on the right track. I'm sure by next year you and F can come up with a better solution, one that will get rid of repressed anger (which doesn't help anybody). This time, just hold on: it won't be long now. Hugs.
At first the dogs are skittish but then get used to her. For the most part, they accept her like part of the pack. She's good with them except she hates to get dirty. Which, you know, dogs.
I think F and I are going to discuss how to handle next year. Now that I've admitted how I feel to her, we can probably figure out what to do to make it better for all of us.
It's difficult when there different expectations and outlooks abd they clash. With her being family though it's... more odd. If you generally get her gifts, for example, I mean... she knows your idea of x-mas includes some small gifts of some sort and you'd think that if she doesn't want to give any/can't afford to, that she'd phone a month or two in advance to say that she won't be doing gifts this year.
So much can be bad communication though that I would still suggest talking to her at some point. I know I misjudged my mother for instance. We had an argument the other day, but it was for the best. She thought XYZ didn't need to be said, that it was obvious, but well... it was anything but obvious to me given some of the things she was doing and saying instead. No way to get an apology from some people of course, but at least I know a bit better what she's thinking and she's made more of an effort with me, even if minimal. But umyeah, go with you instincts here... I also know some people love drama... Blergh.
Yes - it's about expectations and outlooks. You are 100% correct about that.
She can afford gifts. She also suffers paralysis through analysis. She's so afraid of making a mistake, she can't make a decision. And I get that. It's one of the reasons I feel so guilty about being angry.
I think you are right - communication has got to be the key. At the risk of ruining today, I think I'm going to be the one that has to start the conversation. F is much more laid-back about it all and won't take it on.
Thank you for the encouragement. It really does help to know it's not just me!
Yeah, maybe let her know somehow that even the wrong gift or gesture (as this is about other situations too) is better than none as far as you are concerned. Maybe because people don't say anything when she does nothing/brings nothing she falsely thinks that's safer.
For some people, gifts are an expression of love. It sounds as if you are one of those people. You show love by giving gifts of any kind, and you feel love when someone gives one, regardless of size. There's nothing wrong with that! It's just how you're made! That makes you a lovely person who makes the world a lovely place! It's understandable that you would feel as you do about the hospital and Christmas this year!!
Like you, I wouldn't want to say anything. Can you just acknowledge that she doesn't like the show but keep watching anyway? Just a calm, "we'll, we do Ike it"? Or come back here & keep venting for the week! We're here for you!
You put into words what I was thinking about gifts!
For me it really is the thought that counts and the gift is the end product of that, if that makes any sense. I know I have so much fun going out and buying the gifts, or making them, and seeing the reaction of the receiver is part of the fun.
That's precisely how I feel too. I love giving gifts almost more than receiving them. But when you can't expect to receive them, you don't know whether or not to give them. It's just all too complicated.
I'm much better about it today. Posting here helped so much!!!
Honestly, I think you need to sit down with your sisters and hash this all out. There doesn't need to be an angry confrontation--just a meeting to discuss how to handle the next holiday. Like maybe suggest a Pollyanna gift exchange. And it is you and your sister's house so you can set the rules that your other sister can watch her shows one night and the next night, you get to watch yours.
You would feel tons better if you talked it out--letting it fester will only make you more unhappy.
I think it's going to have to come down to a discussion. Feelings will probably be hurt but like you said, it's better than letting anger fester. I'm just so bad at anything that feels like confrontation.
Maybe over dinner, I can manage to bring it up in a calm, rational way.
Where sitting and not letting your emotions out is a simple solution... it also sets things up for potential disaster.
Peace is important... but not at the expense of your sanity and your feelings. You need to be calm and try talking to her and explaining your feelings. Otherwise you will wind up with a large rift that no one will be able to repair.
The presents are not childish. It is proof that you have been thought of... even if the gift is cheesy, ugly, or a buck.
Good luck and know we are here for you no matter what you decide. *hugs*
Yes, it is the thought - that you are in their thoughts.
I'm feeling better today. Sister F said we can talk about it but I still haven't worked up the nerve. I'm thinking that if we go out to dinner, we could do it there. Then there couldn't be any yelling!
I'll keep y'all posted. Thanks for the kind words!
Comments 22
I'm sure by next year you and F can come up with a better solution, one that will get rid of repressed anger (which doesn't help anybody).
This time, just hold on: it won't be long now. Hugs.
Reply
I think F and I are going to discuss how to handle next year. Now that I've admitted how I feel to her, we can probably figure out what to do to make it better for all of us.
Thank you for the insight!
(((hugs)))
Reply
So much can be bad communication though that I would still suggest talking to her at some point. I know I misjudged my mother for instance. We had an argument the other day, but it was for the best. She thought XYZ didn't need to be said, that it was obvious, but well... it was anything but obvious to me given some of the things she was doing and saying instead. No way to get an apology from some people of course, but at least I know a bit better what she's thinking and she's made more of an effort with me, even if minimal. But umyeah, go with you instincts here... I also know some people love drama... Blergh.
Reply
She can afford gifts. She also suffers paralysis through analysis. She's so afraid of making a mistake, she can't make a decision. And I get that. It's one of the reasons I feel so guilty about being angry.
I think you are right - communication has got to be the key. At the risk of ruining today, I think I'm going to be the one that has to start the conversation. F is much more laid-back about it all and won't take it on.
Thank you for the encouragement. It really does help to know it's not just me!
Reply
Reply
Like you, I wouldn't want to say anything. Can you just acknowledge that she doesn't like the show but keep watching anyway? Just a calm, "we'll, we do Ike it"? Or come back here & keep venting for the week! We're here for you!
::huggles::
Reply
I honestly don't know why this Christmas is harder than previous ones have been. But this too shall pass. And life will go back to normal soon enough.
Thank you! You kind words mean more than I can express!
Reply
For me it really is the thought that counts and the gift is the end product of that, if that makes any sense. I know I have so much fun going out and buying the gifts, or making them, and seeing the reaction of the receiver is part of the fun.
Reply
I'm much better about it today. Posting here helped so much!!!
Reply
You would feel tons better if you talked it out--letting it fester will only make you more unhappy.
*HUGS*
Reply
Maybe over dinner, I can manage to bring it up in a calm, rational way.
Thank you for the good suggestions!!
Reply
Peace is important... but not at the expense of your sanity and your feelings. You need to be calm and try talking to her and explaining your feelings. Otherwise you will wind up with a large rift that no one will be able to repair.
The presents are not childish. It is proof that you have been thought of... even if the gift is cheesy, ugly, or a buck.
Good luck and know we are here for you no matter what you decide. *hugs*
Reply
I'm feeling better today. Sister F said we can talk about it but I still haven't worked up the nerve. I'm thinking that if we go out to dinner, we could do it there. Then there couldn't be any yelling!
I'll keep y'all posted. Thanks for the kind words!
Reply
Leave a comment