The Killing Floor - Week 9

[clauderainsrm]

If you are interested in having a piece of writing receive some constructive criticism from your peers - this is the place to post it!

The first 5 entries, from people who have not already had their turn - are eligible!

Have fun!

Comments

[roina_arwen]

I wrote this for Exhibit B, week 8: The heart of Time. I'm wondering if it could be expanded into something worthy of publication? Any commentary or helpful critique would be great - thanks!

The Heart of Time

[adoptedwriter]

I commented directly to the original post. AW

[jexia]

I love this. My only comment is that you don't generally go from no contractions to water breaking to pushing immediately.

[roina_arwen]

Having never given birth myself, I wasn't quite sure what the time frame was, although I know that actual labor (for a human) can typically last anywhere from a very short time up to many, many hours. Thanks for the input!

[kajel]

Returning Home I wrote this during the summer.

[bleodswean]

You definitely have a creative imagination and a kind of fantasy love story you want to tell, so that's 3/4 of the battle right there! The last quarter needs to be about style and form.

The most important thing to consider is your POV of choice. There are endless essays and guidelines for learning about POV, here's just one -

http://www.novel-writing-help.com/point-of-view-in-literature.html

Here's an example of where this is not clear in your narrative -

Startled, Naya looked into the darkened corner behind the counter. She had not seen Laron standing there. The relief she felt when she saw him was nearly overwhelming. He looked astounded. She smiled. She did not realize how her smile transformed her face. Suddenly, Laron could see the girl he had known, in this hard looking woman who stood in front of him.You've switched from Laron's POV as Naya enters the store and we got a bit of exposition and now we're here and it appears to

[jexia]

Commented on the original.

[kathrynrose]

Well, I had 2 suggestions, and bleodswean has already made both of them, and better than I would have.

The POV thing, and the feeling that it's a much bigger story than there is room for in a short story.

That second thing is really great, though, because you've got a story and characters here that I want to adventure around with, and I want to see their back story as well. Meaning, this could be a novel if you want to write it.

:)

Dragon Prime

[ashgaelsonaria]

posted in parts and incompleat. A fan fiction tribute to Anne Mc

Re: Dragon Prime

[kickthehobbit]

I'm not familiar with Anne McCaffrey's work, so I'm going to let a lot of the "canon" stuff slide and instead talk about things like general writing (characterization, imagery, diction/syntax, etc).

The first thing that struck me-you have thoughts put into ^^. While there's nothing inherently wrong with this, it's a little jarring-I'd stick with something like italics instead-it's more standard, and it makes it a little easier to see what's going on.

Now, then. Your pacing is really good-not too fast or too slow, which considering that this is a scene in which a lot happens, is really nice. The characters that you're writing read like people, which, again, is really good-while I enjoy fan fiction, a lot of the time, one of the problems I have with it is that people tend to get lazy and use the canon characterization as a shortcut so that they don't have to bother fully fleshing out the characters they're writing about-after all, clearly the canon creator(s) have already done that, and if someone is reading their fic, they're

Re: Dragon Prime

[ashgaelsonaria]

Would have responed last night but lost internet.
I copy and past most posts and I loose most of my formating otherwise I would use italics for the telepathic sendings (denoted with ^^) this is also why the parragraphs are seperated with an extra line instead of indented.
I really really know that I need and editor for all of my work but I do not really have anything to offer in exchange.
Heck if I did I would have them start with _A Vampire Tragidy_ and _Something Zombie_.
Not many people will do that sort of work for Panting by an unknown artist (See my Icon) and hand crafted jewelry by same artist. Sure I hand string and knot peaces but people are not really all that interested in that stuff.
I have many minor talints - I'm just not good enough at any one thing too make any funds at it.
Which are all I have to offer in exchange for the work.

I originaly linked them to the PernFanfiction lj and (if you wanted to read the comments) only focused on the story and cannon.

Re: Dragon Prime

[kickthehobbit]

I dunno, I edit for people without expecting that I will get anything in return. Usually I edit for them with the understanding that it's to help them improve as a writer (because I want to give back), not because I'm out to "get" something. :)

It might take a while, but I think you could find someone willing to do editing for you in exchange for having you recc their stuff or whatnot. Don't give up just yet!

[miintikwa]

I feel like the end for this is weak and could be better, but any suggestions are welcome.

The past is prologue.

[banyangirl1832]

The ending is weaker, it's true. But it's overall a strong piece! I really enjoyed it, and fantasy usually isn't my thing. A bit of confusion about whether or not your characters actually WERE elves - I get that they are now, but during the reading I was like, "why is she talking about the elves like they're something separate from what she is?" Maybe just drop something in the beginning about pointy ears or something if that fits in with your canon.

As for the end, it seemed a little weird to me that Ixtria was so calm when her mother had just died - maybe play up her grief a little bit? That's the only thing I can think of to make it stronger, sorry!

[miintikwa]

Omigosh, thank you! And yes, I need to figure out a better balance between showing how "strange" Ixtria is and having her grieve like a normal child. *ponders*

Thanks again!

[anyonesghost]

For what it's worth, I was a little overwhelmed by jargon at first. Which may not be fair of me -- High Fantasy rather demands its own language -- but it made the piece more difficult for me to absorb (to start) than it should have been

Wrote this a while back...

[ellakite]

made a couple of minor changes:

http://ellakite.livejournal.com/306562.html

Re: Wrote this a while back...

[adoptedwriter]

I commented directly to the original post. AW

Re: Wrote this a while back...

[jexia]

I loved this and don't have any advice to offer.

Re: Wrote this a while back...

[anyonesghost]

Working through pieces like this can be tough -- it's a lot of exposition, and it's the sort of thing that comes a little ways into a larger novel (where Callow Youth learns The Truth of Things from the Local Wizard). It's to your credit that you can sustain mood and interest over a long piece.

A couple of smaller thoughts:

• Adverbs. Things are 'deadly' serious, there is 'utter' turmoil ... I didn't do a count of adverbs, but I expect trimming them down would make the prose leaner and faster.
  
• While the use of Chekhov's Magic Mirror in the first part sort of implied its use in the ending, I was kind of hoping to find (on the reread) a few more nods to the ending embedded throughout -- either via Corey's distinctly special qualities, or perhaps by making him more than ridiculously ordinary. Even something like odd dreams or a craving for interesting sandwiches.
  
• 'Dark Enemy' makes me think of the "Untitled Song #1" from the Lego Movie.
  
• If this is part of a larger work (and the comments imply it may be), I'm wondering if holding