Comments | therealljidol: The Killing Floor

clauderainsrm in therealljidol

The Killing Floor - Week 9

May 17, 2014 18:43

If you are interested in having a piece of writing receive some constructive criticism from your peers - this is the place to post it!

The first 5 entries, from people who have not already had their turn - are eligible!

Have fun!

week 9, killing floor, season 9

Leave a comment

Back to all threads

Dragon Prime ashgaelsonaria May 18 2014, 04:41:26 UTC

Re: Dragon Prime kickthehobbit May 20 2014, 23:16:00 UTC

I'm not familiar with Anne McCaffrey's work, so I'm going to let a lot of the "canon" stuff slide and instead talk about things like general writing (characterization, imagery, diction/syntax, etc).

The first thing that struck me-you have thoughts put into ^^. While there's nothing inherently wrong with this, it's a little jarring-I'd stick with something like italics instead-it's more standard, and it makes it a little easier to see what's going on.

Now, then. Your pacing is really good-not too fast or too slow, which considering that this is a scene in which a lot happens, is really nice. The characters that you're writing read like people, which, again, is really good-while I enjoy fan fiction, a lot of the time, one of the problems I have with it is that people tend to get lazy and use the canon characterization as a shortcut so that they don't have to bother fully fleshing out the characters they're writing about-after all, clearly the canon creator(s) have already done that, and if someone is reading their fic, they're familiar with the show, so whatever, why not be lazy? You don't have that issue-your characters feel real, as they react to what's happening, and that's nice to see.

The major issue I see with your writing is two-fold. One, you definitely need someone to proofread what you're posting. You mentioned in the comments on the first piece that you are dysgraphic; that's fine, and more power to you for writing-but things would be a lot clearer if you could find someone to beta-read for you and correct the errors that aren't going to be caught by spell-check, etc.

The other problem that I potentially see is that you switch tenses, a lot. You started in past-tense, then moved to present, then back to past, then finally present...it's really jarring, as a reader, to be switching tenses so often, and it made it difficult for me to follow exactly what was happening, when we switched points of view, as well. This is something that a good beta will catch and correct, but it's something you should be aware of, too-that it's happening, so you know it as something to watch for.

The only other thing I can see to comment on is more of a personal preference-using all-caps for emphasis is, again, jarring to your reader. I'd try to make it a little clearer from context that what's happening is supposed to be emphasized. For instance (and this is not based on anything in your story):

"NO!" she said. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"

is an example of something using all-caps for emphasis, when it could instead be written:

"No!" she shouted, taking a step back. "Leave me alone!"

In one, we only have the capitalization to indicate that anything is wrong-in the other, we've got the word-choice ('shouted' vs 'said') and we've also got a better description of what's happening in the scene-the character in question is telling someone to get away from them as they are physically removing themselves from the situation, with the latter giving more to your reader to visualize, and improving the scene.

These are the largest issues I see with your writing, and all of them can be fixed pretty easily-by finding a good beta. You've got a good story to tell-now you just need someone to help you with the nitty-gritty. Hanging around a fan community dedicated to Anne McCaffrey should help you find someone to beta-read for you, and they'll also help with the canon details.

Good luck! :)

Re: Dragon Prime ashgaelsonaria May 21 2014, 20:36:57 UTC

Would have responed last night but lost internet.
I copy and past most posts and I loose most of my formating otherwise I would use italics for the telepathic sendings (denoted with ^^) this is also why the parragraphs are seperated with an extra line instead of indented.
I really really know that I need and editor for all of my work but I do not really have anything to offer in exchange.
Heck if I did I would have them start with _A Vampire Tragidy_ and _Something Zombie_.
Not many people will do that sort of work for Panting by an unknown artist (See my Icon) and hand crafted jewelry by same artist. Sure I hand string and knot peaces but people are not really all that interested in that stuff.
I have many minor talints - I'm just not good enough at any one thing too make any funds at it.
Which are all I have to offer in exchange for the work.

I originaly linked them to the PernFanfiction lj and (if you wanted to read the comments) only focused on the story and cannon.

Re: Dragon Prime kickthehobbit May 21 2014, 21:57:11 UTC

I dunno, I edit for people without expecting that I will get anything in return. Usually I edit for them with the understanding that it's to help them improve as a writer (because I want to give back), not because I'm out to "get" something. :)

It might take a while, but I think you could find someone willing to do editing for you in exchange for having you recc their stuff or whatnot. Don't give up just yet!

Re: Dragon Prime whipchick May 21 2014, 07:46:43 UTC

I agree with kickthehobbit on the formatting, and you already know about seeking out a proofreader - that might even be something you could farm out to eLance or ODesk if you don't have time.

There's a nice sense of urgency, and the locations are very clear - the nursery with the children, the ship, etc. I'm definitely interested to know more of what happens with the little girl, what her headache signifies, etc.

You might take a look at "showing vs telling" - for example,

"As one of the orphans of the Varsath she did not have a lot of choices, even if she was considered to be a hero and was credited with saving the lives of the children, their care takers and teacher when a shower of small meteorites had shredded the rest of the ship."

Unless her background is something we absolutely must know right this minute, it's good to avoid this type of "info-dump" and let the information be revealed in smaller pieces. Some of it through her thoughts, some of it through things other people say to her or observe about her or tell each other about her. But it feels "off" that she's lying there assessing an emergency situation and thinking,

"I don't have a lot of choices, even if I am considered to be a hero and credited with saving the lives of the children, their caretakers, and teacher when a shower of small meteorites had shredded the rest of the ship."

Maybe she'd think, "Oh, god, not another meteorite shower." Or, "Not again--does this ship have an escape tunnel? Not that the last one did us much good."

You might also take a look at POV - we see the world through a number of different characters, and it's not always clear who we're with at a given moment. Maybe pare down the POV switches and put bigger chunks of each character together?

One last thought - it's intimidating as a reader to see ten links. I can't remember if we put out a suggested word limit on the Killing Floor entries, but ten links is probably too many, and it's off-putting to start the first one feeling like the author expects you to read nine more. Smaller pieces might generate more feedback.

Congratulations on embarking on a long-range, in-depth project!

Re: Dragon Prime ashgaelsonaria May 21 2014, 20:26:01 UTC

the little girl is the main charicter. so you do know what happens to her. That first bit is a dream sequence.
Sorry about the links
I had not realized that parts of the story would be unclear to people unfamiler with the veriouse worlds of Anne McCaffree.
The main character is a powerful telepath and psycokenetic (ALA The Rowen/Prime siries). As a little girl she shuilded the part of the ship she was in. She did not have time in the incedent before hitting her head to think so her thoughts are the innital dream sequence. the ship (ala the ship who sang/the ship series) was not hit by meteors the ort cloud houses a vorasiouse myhocorrizod that is awakened by heat and consumes all organic matereal. (Dragons Dawn/the Pern books)
It might be interesting to rewrite the peace with the layperson (Non McCaffree fan) in mind as there is clearly a lot that requires knowladge of her books to really get.
FYI the name of the world Pern came from the letters on the planit servey P.E.R.N. = Parallel Earth Resoces Nominal

Back to all threads