The Killing Floor - Week 9

[clauderainsrm]

If you are interested in having a piece of writing receive some constructive criticism from your peers - this is the place to post it!

The first 5 entries, from people who have not already had their turn - are eligible!

Have fun!

Comments

[anyonesghost]

For what it's worth, I was a little overwhelmed by jargon at first. Which may not be fair of me -- High Fantasy rather demands its own language -- but it made the piece more difficult for me to absorb (to start) than it should have been.

Ironically, this makes the Now a lot harder for me to envision than the Past. I feel like I need more about the surroundings. Other than a couch, I'm not all sure what this place is like.

Random question: If Pharlen is the third child, where's #1?

For the ending ... since it's more a hand-off than anything else, it does sort of come across as "middle chapter" territory. I feel like having the mother trying (failing?) to explain the meaning of what her daughter Sees might introduce a bit more drama or tension? As it is, it's more about mood than conflict ... which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but one has to position such a story accordingly.

I think you have the kernel of a strong story here -- there's a lot of thought, imagination, world-building involved here, and it shows through. I think we just need to see more of it. :-)

[miintikwa]

Oh, yes! I totally need to expand on the surroundings! Thank you! :) I definitely was focusing too narrowly there, and now that you've pointed it out, I feel like giving the scene more of a sense of place will help everywhere.

Pharlen is the third child, where's #1?
#1 (Jaken!) is on his fosterage, with another elven Family elsewhere. Ordinarily, Ixtria would have been fostering, too, but she and Jaken are not close in age, so she's too young still.

Thank you again! :) I will work on expanding the surrounding details and that will definitely be a good start on making it better.