The Killing Floor - Week 6

[clauderainsrm]

While we are waiting for the polls to close, I'm sure there are also some people finished with their reading and voting! Which means that it's the perfect time to get some attention over here

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

Ok. I'll bite. Also 1st in the KR?!
I'm looking for ideas, thoughts, whatever. This is an unfinished WIP for my teaching themed book. Thanx!
http://adoptedwriter.livejournal.com/286373.html

[jexia]

I'm not great at offering fixes, but I found this sentence clumsy: "Maybe it's her gaunt face but purposeful stance."

I think correct hyphenation should be "almost-late girl"?

You can lose words in here: "Two white ear-bud cords dangle out from beneath her wispy blonde hair."

"...but Kady's behavior makes me feel awkward; like I should do something." Not sure semi-colon is right here.

"wirey" should be "wiry"

Can you flip a page in a packet?

I like the feeling of the piece over all.

[adoptedwriter]

Thanks! Yeah, this is a rough copy. It needs help! LOL. Thanks for reading. AW

[witchwife]

What kind of teaching book are you writing? Is it instructional or just kind of .. semi autobiographical? Love the idea - either way - and happy to help!

I really enjoyed the piece.. particularly the parts describing Kady. In fact, I worry that I'm identifying more with Kady more than I'm meant to.

I feel like the narrator could have a stronger presence in here. So far, what I'm getting .. is that she likes to follow the rules. She seems very by-the-book.. talks about proper procedures for dealing with Kady, what the school's policies are on technology, if Kady is being 'bad', etc.

I don't really get anything else from her though aside from this A type personality and it makes me not really identify with her. I'm wondering if there can be more hints at the teacher's true thoughts? Maybe more of a mental dialogue?

[copyright1983]

This entry got me eliminated from Season 7. I'm still a little perplexed as to why:

http://copyright1983.livejournal.com/27400.html

Triggers for sexual abuse.

[adoptedwriter]

I doubt it was the topic matter. It's a compelling read. It's quick and to the point with more showing and less telling. It was prob just lousey timing. AW

[jexia]

I agree.

[witchwife]

I agree with adoptedwriter in that it's compelling, quick and to the point.

If I'm pushing myself to be constructive, I guess I'd say that it can be a bit vague with no setting or character to connect the voice to. There's no description of the victim to evoke sympathy. (Not to say that the topic doesn't warrant that reaction already.)

The ellipses were a bit off putting as well, but that might just be a personal thing.

However, this is me just forcing myself to come up with things. As I said, I found the entry to be very engaging.

[kathrynrose]

I wrote this for Exhibit B, and am hoping to get it published somewhere, so I'd love any feedback that would improve it for that purpose.

Thanks in advance.

http://kathrynrose.livejournal.com/820272.html

[adoptedwriter]

This is amazing. Where will you submit this? AW

[kathrynrose]

Thanks. I'm still working on that. :) Probably someplace that features family/religious/spiritual stories. I'm open to suggestions on that as well.

[jexia]

This is AMAZING.

Couple of minor things, pretty much just stylistic-

"management level angels" vs "management-level angels"

I've usually seen "paci", not "passie" (not saying it's wrong, just offering an alternative).

"Who's gonna get those wings!" should be a question?

Is there numerological significance behind 77 floors?

Self respect vs Self-respect

Might just be a use I haven't heard, but I don't quite get "Do people work them?" (in "I didn't see any of these downstairs. Do people work them?" I asked.)

"I'm ok with that." OK or okay

[jexia]

http://jexia.livejournal.com/1299008.html

This is from The Missing Stair week. Any input is much appreciated. Thanks :)

[witchwife]

I love how you've made a riddle out of it. Perhaps a set up to introduce it as such would make the reader feel more invested in the experience.

I think it's a really clever idea as it is, but a small bit of foundation at the beginning would make me feel a bit less disoriented coming into it.

At the same time, I'm a little bit conflicted in giving this advice, because I really enjoy the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure feel like that it currently has.

(Well. There's my two cents, anyway. I'm sorry my feedback is so jargled!)

[kathrynrose]

I like the way this feels like poetry even though it's prose.

I tend to be put off by things written in 2nd person, though it didn't bother me in this piece until toward the end. It reads like a trance induction, which is kind of cool and simultaneously makes me nervous because I want to separate myself from it to keep from falling in (let me know if that doesn't make sense outside my head).

"...and a realisation hits you with the sudden clarity of a Magic Eye picture." This sticks out to me. It's very concrete in the midst of so much dreaminess. It's like switching to the other side of your brain for half a sentence. Maybe describe what happens rather than referencing the Magic Eye?

Oh, and I am proud to say I totally "got" what it was. :)

[xo_kizzy_xo]

I love the poetry/prose vibe. I agree that the Magic Eye phrase jars it.

I'm wondering, though, if it's a little too obscure? I mean, I understand the reason why you put in the spoiler and the last line, but I'm wondering if there's more of a way to work the helix angle in without actually mentioning it, if that makes sense.

[witchwife]

Room for one more? Here's an entry I wrote for a creative writing group. Curious of your general thoughts/impressions/criticisms/feedback!

http://witchwife.livejournal.com/154497.html

[jexia]

I'd like more feeling about your crush - is he still attractive to you, or not?

united horde, not hoard

[witchwife]

Oo, thanks for the spelling tip. Completely missed that one. Have fixed it in my odt document!

& in regards to how she feels about her former crush.. no, I don't think the narrator is still attracted to him. I see what you mean about lacking a bit of emotion in here though. I've given a lot on her thoughts on being back at home, but not the feelz. Will try to find a way to incorporate this more.

Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

[kathrynrose]

I actually think it is full of feelz. She feels isolated, out of place, on display. There's a struggle between feeling good about her accomplishments and knowing everyone else in the room thinks she's a loser.

I love Charlie SO MUCH. Even though she's the one spinning, it's like she's the point Natalie's eye comes back to when everything around her is spinning.

One thing that wasn't clear to me, "There she is!" I didn't realize it was the old crush addressing Natalie. Because we're at a wedding, on the first read-through I assumed someone was announcing the bride's arrival.

I could see this as part of a novel.