The Killing Floor - Week 6

[clauderainsrm]

While we are waiting for the polls to close, I'm sure there are also some people finished with their reading and voting! Which means that it's the perfect time to get some attention over here

Comments

[kathrynrose]

I wrote this for Exhibit B, and am hoping to get it published somewhere, so I'd love any feedback that would improve it for that purpose.

Thanks in advance.

http://kathrynrose.livejournal.com/820272.html

[adoptedwriter]

This is amazing. Where will you submit this? AW

[kathrynrose]

Thanks. I'm still working on that. :) Probably someplace that features family/religious/spiritual stories. I'm open to suggestions on that as well.

[jexia]

This is AMAZING.

Couple of minor things, pretty much just stylistic-

"management level angels" vs "management-level angels"

I've usually seen "paci", not "passie" (not saying it's wrong, just offering an alternative).

"Who's gonna get those wings!" should be a question?

Is there numerological significance behind 77 floors?

Self respect vs Self-respect

Might just be a use I haven't heard, but I don't quite get "Do people work them?" (in "I didn't see any of these downstairs. Do people work them?" I asked.)

"I'm ok with that." OK or okay

[kathrynrose]

These are great catches. Thanks.

The "Do people work them?" might be one of those phrases that only works in the context of certain professions. Substitute "the cases" for "them," as in case work.

[witchwife]

Loved the part about people tweeting prayers (@St_Anthony_ - hilarious)

This sort of reminded me of some sort of Heaven meets Monsters Inc cross over!

The ending of this is fantastic, but I think there's a bit from the beginning that might be able to be cut. It doesn't all lend itself to the same purpose.

For example, you could probably begin it at:

"Tony says you're new around here. How's the land of wings and halos been treating you so far?" and cut the first few lines. I feel like this might throw you into the story a bit better than the description of the gates, but maybe it's just me.

One other thing is that I think the bit about this being a sort of return agency can be brought in a bit sooner. It took me a while to get! (Perhaps I'm just slow!)

Overall, this is a great concept.

[kathrynrose]

Thanks! This is helpful. It does need a stronger beginning.

[buddyhollylover]

Loved the concept of this! Parts however just seem to throw me off and seem to be a little disjointed.

The guy with the wheelbarrow at the beginning just seems a little confusing and doesn't seem to add much to the story since we don't know anything yet. It almost feels like randomness just for the sake of being random at the time.

Also, the 'Right' and 'Sure' responses at the beginning just have a very unhappy feeling to them to me. It could just be me but if I'm starting a new job (even if it would be in heaven) I think I would be much more enthusiastic.

I love the description of the warehouse but it seems as if you could transition into it a little better. The way it is now feels slightly disjointed to me.

[kathrynrose]

Thanks. I think witchwife is right about establishing where we are earlier. I hate to lose the wheelbarrow guy. I just love him, but I can see where he's kind of random when looking at things from outside my head.

Thanks!

[xo_kizzy_xo]

Oh, I remember this!

I love wheelbarrow guy, but yeah, he really doesn't belong there.

You do need a stronger beginning. Once the reader realizes where the narrator is, then it's full steam ahead. The trick is to get the reader at that full steam right from the start.

Imagine a thrift shop that's organized like a department store, but with the activity of the trading floor of the stock exchange.

Picky bit: The tone of this sentence doesn't gel with the tone of the rest of the piece. You're suddenly breaking character to ask the reader, "You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?" It's jarring.

I'm ALWAYS going to love "Ton -- er, St. Anthony". All your amusing bits make me grin through this. Of course it's also probably my Catholic upbringing showing ;)

In all, there's really not very much to clean up in this piece other than the beginning and that particular sentence :) As to where to submit it...???

[kathrynrose]

That sentence bothered me too when I re-read the piece just before posting the link.

Thanks!

[finding_helena]

I feel like it takes too long to get to the meat of the piece. It starts as okay, here is a gimmick! Angels in charge of returning lost things! Cute! But is that all it's about, or will it make a larger point? It took so long to get to the larger point that I almost thought it wouldn't get there at all.

I think the section between the break room and when they get on the elevator could be cut. The section in the break room could probably be cut as well; only the "rocky road" comment, which comes back later, would need to be reworked.

If you keep the armload of pacifiers, most parents I know would spell the abbreviation "paci".

This department must have all the pacifiers that disappeared in our old house. We never did find them when we moved. Probably 10-15 of them went missing.

[kathrynrose]

I just realized I never replied to your comment. I'm sorry. I have it saved with the other suggestions, for when I make revisions.

I think you're right about the pace. I think that's why I forgot to reply. My brain went straight to, "Shit! How do I fix that?" instead of thanking you. :/

So, thank you!