The Killing Floor - Week 6

[clauderainsrm]

While we are waiting for the polls to close, I'm sure there are also some people finished with their reading and voting! Which means that it's the perfect time to get some attention over here

Comments

[witchwife]

Room for one more? Here's an entry I wrote for a creative writing group. Curious of your general thoughts/impressions/criticisms/feedback!

http://witchwife.livejournal.com/154497.html

[jexia]

I'd like more feeling about your crush - is he still attractive to you, or not?

united horde, not hoard

[witchwife]

Oo, thanks for the spelling tip. Completely missed that one. Have fixed it in my odt document!

& in regards to how she feels about her former crush.. no, I don't think the narrator is still attracted to him. I see what you mean about lacking a bit of emotion in here though. I've given a lot on her thoughts on being back at home, but not the feelz. Will try to find a way to incorporate this more.

Thanks so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it.

[kathrynrose]

I actually think it is full of feelz. She feels isolated, out of place, on display. There's a struggle between feeling good about her accomplishments and knowing everyone else in the room thinks she's a loser.

I love Charlie SO MUCH. Even though she's the one spinning, it's like she's the point Natalie's eye comes back to when everything around her is spinning.

One thing that wasn't clear to me, "There she is!" I didn't realize it was the old crush addressing Natalie. Because we're at a wedding, on the first read-through I assumed someone was announcing the bride's arrival.

I could see this as part of a novel.

[witchwife]

Ah, regarding the, 'there she is!' - so true. I remember feeling a bit unsettled about that line while I was writing it. Thanks for confirming that it's not quite doing what it was meant to.

"There's a struggle between feeling good about her accomplishments and knowing everyone else in the room thinks she's a loser." -- Glad that this came across for you!

Thanks a bunch for the feedback.

[adoptedwriter]

I love the rich description in this, especially re Charlie's " cupcake" dress and being a whirlwind. Also the petals in the bride's boquet, the women with their preg bellies, etc.
I'd like more back story re your former high school honey / Charlie's dad.
Maybe this is part of a larger work?
AW

[witchwife]

Nah, not meant to be part of a larger work, but it seems like quite a few people are wanting a back story of some sort so maybe that's something I can work on putting in there. Perhaps in the form of a brief memory that connects to the scene somehow? I'll have to do some brainstorming!

Thanks. :)

[xo_kizzy_xo]

Oh, I like this very much! I can see it as a stand-alone piece or as part of a longer piece (novella, maybe?) but I'm not too concerned with that right now.

From the narrator's attention focused on Charlie, it's clear she's very uncomfortable. I like that because IRL that's what people do (OK, maybe just me). I love "human cupcake" and the image of her spinning around!

I'm not sure of how the narrator feels about her ex, though nor about her old classmates. It's clear she's uncomfortable, but is that all? Not that you'd want to concentrate on it, but maybe Natalie could have a very brief flashback about her ex? I mean, if I'd been invited to an ex's wedding I know my head would be going a mile a minute recounting our relationship. Natalie's detachment is a bit too detached, you know?

Other than that is wordiness. You can take out chunks of sentences without losing what you're saying, and I think it'd make the overall piece stronger. Your first paragraph, for example (strikeouts are mine):

I'm standing there in the middle

[kathrynrose]

I think you don't want to lose the "we're the only single females" because it's important information, and that was when I knew for sure we were at a wedding.

One thing I forgot to say last night was I like "hideous, poofy purple dress" better than "poofy, hideous purple dress" just because of the way it sounds when I read it.

[witchwife]

I agree with you on the word order. Changing it right now. Thanks!

[witchwife]

Wow - thanks so much for the feedback. Especially for the bit on wordiness and including an example.

This is definitely something that I can work on not only in this piece, but in my others as well. Really appreciate having it brought to my attention!

[kathrynrose]

Jumping in here - fwiw.

A while back I heard about a flash fiction contest with a 250 word limit. The concept boggled me, because words - I haz them. I wanted to wrap my mind around whether I could even tell a story that had a beginning, a middle, and an end in 250 words, so just for grins I took some other stories I had written, and chopped them to hell - just as an exercise, just for me.

I cut out unnecessary words and phrases and did my best to keep the story while cutting it to 250 words. I did it with a different story every day. I don't remember how many I did, but at some point I realized I was cutting the same things over and over again. The next time I wrote an Idol entry, I caught myself as I was writing, and just didn't put them in. It made my writing tighter/cleaner.

Give it a shot. It was kind of fun. :)

[witchwife]

That does sound fairly fun! I remember the focus I had on being short and concise when I was completing my degree, but two years later and all that discipline seems to have fallen by the wayside. haha

I think I might take your suggestion to see where exactly I'm rambling where I could be a bit more to-the-point. It's difficult, because my writing does tend to have more of a conversational tone.. which makes it easy for me to start throwing in a ton of unnecessary words where they're not needed. <--edit: case in point.

So glad I submitted this week. This is incredibly helpful.

[kathrynrose]

<--edit: case in point.

LOL!