Dare to be Aware - Chapter One
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 3,548
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Author's Note: This is a fic talking about a female to male teenager and his search to find himself and love. It is Quintana and follows some of the current season 2 storyline and the beginning of season 3 then goes A. This is in no way meant to be reflective of any or all real transgendered identity and it is a fictional story.
Chapter One
The final whistle of practice sounded causing all the Cheerios to scatter off the field. Quinn quickly grabbed her duffel bag secured her shower stall. She quickly washed and dried herself off and put on her clean uniform and bolted out of the gym. She ran to her car and sped over to Blaine Anderson's house. He was dating Sam, who everyone still thought was her boyfriend, all three of them were living in a lie, but they couldn't admit the truth to the rest of the world. A few weeks into Sam and Quinn's relationship, Quinn broke down into tears with him, admitting to him everything that she was scared to admit to the rest of the world. And in turn, Sam did the same. Quinn quickly smiled at Blaine's mom as she headed to her second job and ran up to the teenager's room.
"Where's my bag?" she asked as she looked at the boys on the bed studying, Sam pointed to the corner or the room and Quinn quickly grabbed it and headed into the bathroom.
"Bad practice," Sam sighed as he looked over to his boyfriend once Quinn left the room.
"Is it ever good?" Blaine asked as she sat up and closed his book.
Nearly 20 minutes later, Quinn had changed into the clothing that made her more comfortable. A pair of old jeans that she was ale to pick up at salvation army that rode low on her hips and showed the outline of her Calvin Kline boxers over the top. She pulled off her Cheerios top and the bra before pulling on a extremely tight white tank top. She adjusted her small breasts under fabric before she pulled on a black v-neck and a light blue hoodie. She pulled her long blonde hair into a low ponytail and the folding it into a tight bun. She looked in the mirror and took out her contacts and slid her black rimmed glasses onto her face then turned around. She smiled when she looked in the mirror.
This is how Quinn Fabray should always look, he thought as he ran his hand over his now visibly flat chest. He pushed her clothing into the bag and grabbed his two hats, one a black beanie the other a black 59fifty Yankees hat. He walked out into the room, "Which hat?"
"Seriously? You look like Justin Beiber." Blaine laughed, "Please, please let me take you shopping so you can look like a man not a little boy."
"Dude, shut up," Sam joked, giving his shoulder a shove, "You wear bowties still. If Quinn wants to dress like a man, he's gotta talk to me." He hooked a thumb at his chest with a smirk.
"At least lose the bun, Q." Blaine hopped up, rolling his eyes at Sam. "Long hair's hot on guys. Just wear it in a low pony or braid it. But despite the current trend, guys with buns just look girly and I'm pretty sure that's not what you want."
"Yeah, because long hair with layers and shit is oh so masculine." he rolled his eyes and tugged the elastic out of his hair and let it fall down. He gathered up the thick locks and tied it back up into a ponytail, putting his black ballcap on and rolling his neck, "Can't wait to get rid of this hair." Quinn groaned as she moved and sat down on the chair near the bed. "As well as other things."
"Whatever, long hair's hot on dudes," Sam pointed out, ruffling his fingers through his own shaggy mop. "I've been thinking of growing mine out. What do you think?"
"I think you'll look like a dust mop," Blaine muttered. "Q, you've got to let us take you out and teach you how to be a real guy."
"First lesson, stop sitting like that. You're acting like Kurt and it's kinda creeping me out." Sam shrugged then smirked. "Second, you gotta work on your impressions. Ladies love the impressions."
"Sam if you ever call me Kurt again..." Quinn growled, "I will tell him that you wash all your clothing in the same load and he will freak out on you." he smirked and uncrossed his legs, "Better?" Quinn asked as he smoothed out his jeans, "and Blaine... How the heck are you gonna teach me how to be a dude? You're nearly as gay as Kurt."
"But unlike Kurt," his brows raised almost comically dramatically, "I can pass as straight and if all else fails, we have Sam here to help."
"Also," Sam pointed out, grabbing a small pillow shaped like a football he'd gotten for his boyfriend and tossing it at Quinn, "we gotta get you to the gym. There's no way you're gonna bulk like me before you get like hormones and stuff but we can get you hard," he smirked, waggling his brows, "and you know there's nothing better than a hard guy."
"Ignore him," Blaine shot a smirk at his boyfriend with a shake of his head, "he's an oversexed idiot but I love him."
Quinn caught the plush and tossed it into the air. "Please, I've been skateboarding for years and have been cheering since I was six. I could bench press Blaine." He tossed the pillow over to Sam and smirked, "Plus, not all of us have some crazy man-anexoria and go to the gym three times a day."
"Shut up!" Sam pulled his shirt and ran a hand over his defined abs, "You gotta work for a body this sweet. And skateboarding and cheerleading don't give it to you. I bet I could get a lucrative job as a male stripper with this bod." He hopped up on the bed, pulling his shirt off and spinning it over his head with a smirk, "What do you think? I could totally do it. They'd call me... White Thunder. Yeow!"
"More like White Chocolate," Blaine laughed, grabbing the waistband of his pants, "now sit down before you break something."
"Whatever, dude." Quinn said with a laugh. He held up his shirt and proudly showed off his abs. "Six pack."
"What'd you do? Drink two first?" Sam laughed, flopping down on the bed beside Blaine. "Dude, we gotta go out, get you looking hot and show you off!" He did a half sit up and pointed his index fingers at him, making fake shooting noises. "No way the girls can resist your ass if we," he gestured between himself and Blaine, "dress you up."
"Not until I cut my hair... You know I'll never pull it off with this." he motioned to his ponytail. "I'm working on my dad letting me cut it chin length or to my shoulders..."
"Dude, trust me. Guys with ponys get chicks," he shrugged, nudging Blaine. "Tell him, B. I know dudes at my school were all about the surfer look."
Blaine shrugged, nodding. "Sam's right, Quinn. Much as I prefer the neat and contained look myself," he brushed a hand over the side of his neatly gelled coif with a smirk, "guys with long hair do score an awful lot of action."
"Totally!" Sam hopped up with a grin. "Come on, Quinn. It'd be totally awesome. We'll get you a unit and everything." He swivelled his hips with an almost lecherous wink, "Come out with us this weekend and I know you'll get your mack on. Ladies love the Bieb right now and you're so rocking it."
"What is your insane need to get my dick wet?" Quinn asked and looked in the mirror, tucking her hair up under the hat.
"Okay, that? Right there? Ain't passing."
"Much as I hate to admit it in this instance," Blaine sighed, "Sam's right. If you want to pass as a gay man, then that sort of attitude is fine. But even in my experience, straight guys really like sex. If you ask me, they like to talk about it more than they actually do it."
"Yeah, cause most of 'em ain't," Sam pointed out, flopping back down on the bed. "Look, Q, you don't have to like knock some girl over the head and drag her back to your cave to bone. I'm just saying to go out and dance with a girl at least. Be a man, for Pete's sake!"
"Fine..." he sighed, "we can go."
"Yes!" Sam punched at the air, "This is gonna be awesome!" He sat up and jabbed his index fingers at Quinn with a grin, "You are gonna be awesome! Blaine, we have got to take him to that club."
"That club?" Blaine looked confused for a moment only to have his eyes widen in recognition a moment later. "Oh! No... no, I don't think he'd like that so much."
"Dude, we'll get the crap kicked out of us at the straight clubs and I don't wanna go out if I can't dance with my man," Sam grinned lopsidedly at the boy. "And Q'd be cool with it, right? There's all kinds of straight girls there anyway."
"Are you talking about that gay bar in West Lima?" he asked, "I'm not gay or bi like you, Sam. I don't want to dance with a lesbian! She won't like me."
"Dude, two words. Fag hags."
Blaine rolled his eyes, "That is such an awful term, Sam."
"Whatever, it's appropriate." Sam turned back to Quinn, laying it out for him. "They're straight chicks who like to hang around gay dudes hoping they'll get lucky and catch a queen that swings both ways."
"Okay, now that's really inappropriate." Blaine looked appalled.
Sam shrugged, "True though."
Quinn laughed. "That's redic." he smiled, "Alright, I wanna go skateboard for an hour before I have to be Lucy again and go home."
"Awesome. Come on, B," Sam hopped up, dragging his boyfriend along with him, "let's go keep our bro company. Also, Q, check it." He threw an arm over both of the boys' shoulders, "Tomorrow? We're getting you outfitted for the weekend. Whole nine yards. Your mom wouldn't know you when we're done and you are gonna be hot."
"Dude, you know if I went home looking like this I'm fucking dead." Quinn said as he ducked out from under Sam's arm to get the boards in Blaine's garage.
"Don't wear it home," Sam gave him a look like he was nuts, "like leave it here."
"Sam's got a point," Blaine admitted with a shrug. "Plus, wouldn't you like to like... not have socks in your pants? And something a bit better than that tanktop to work with?"
"Actually it's a condom that's filled with this weird glue mixture. But yeah would be cool..."
"Gak in a sack?" Blaine shrugged, having heard of the packie from a couple of kings he'd met at the club, "Hope you double bagged. But there's this shop over in West Lima we can go. And if you're uncomfortable being you," he shrugged, "we just let Sam fly his freak flag and tell the proprietor of the fine establishment that he really wants his girlfriend to peg him hard as payback to being an ass tonight." He smiled at Quinn over his shocked boyfriend's shoulder as if it was the best idea in the world.
"Hey, wait. No one said anything about making me a public freaker," Sam argued, suddenly looking worried about the whole idea.
Quinn shook his head and grabbed his skateboard. "I can be me." he said, "I gotta get comfortable right?"
"Totally," Sam agreed, grabbing his own board, pleased that he wouldn't have to be a dude who wanted his girl to bang his ass to get Quinn his own junk.
"Not that you don't like taking if in the ass," Quinn joked, as he skated away.
"Hey!" Sam yelled, dropping his board and hopping on in full pursuit of his buddy. "Come back here and say that to my face!"
"It's true though," Blaine mused, sticking his hands in his jacket pockets and following at a more sedate pace.
Quinn rushed back to his house after hanging out with Blaine and Sam, knowing he was running later than usual and her father would be getting home for dinner soon. She pushed open the door, thankful to only hear Judy on the phone and quickly headed up to her bedroom. Throwing his bag down and sighed, it was always hard to go back to being Lucy Quinn Fabray.
She changed out of her Cheerios uniform and pulled on a pair of Cheerios sweatpants and a t-shirt with her tightest sports bra. Flopping down on the bed, she sighed as she heard the soft thumping of footsteps nearing the door.
"Quinnie?" Judy chirped as she looked into the room. "Sweetheart, you're not wearing that to dinner, right? You know how your father feels..."
"Mom, why can't I be comfortable?" Quinn asked, "Why do I have to wear a dress to dinner?"
"Because it's what we do here. And it's what girls do and you don't want him to become upset, right?" she looked down the stairs when she heard the garage. "Change quick."
Quinn groaned and rolled on her back, running her hand over her stomach. She couldn't wait until winter when she could grow out her leg and underarm hair like she wanted. She hated having to shave for Cheerios, or worse, for her father's inspections.
"Quinnie, you know how he gets. Please change." Judy sighed, swirling her glass, the tinkle of ice against crystal reaching her child's ears. "I'll tell him you're taking a nap for now, but come down soon. Dinner will be ready in another fifteen minutes and you know how he is about punctuality..."
"I just don't understand why!" Quinn exclaimed, "I shouldn't have to wear a dress until he decides he can call me by my real name! I'm not Lucy anymore!" She sat up and looked sadly at her mom, "Why won't you help me?"
Judy smiled ineffectually and leaned against the door, swirling her glass. "I'm sure things will get better once you graduate. He's just under a lot of stress lately with work and all. Hurry up and change now. And wear a regular bra or he'll start insisting on implants again."
Quinn groaned into her arms and threw her lamb stuffed animal at the door. "Just go away, mom."
"Just a few more months and you can go away to college with your friends and be what you want," Judy murmured, pushing away from the door and heading down the stairs.
"Judy? Where are you, woman, I'm hungry!" Came the deep call of Russell from the base of the stairs.
"I'm coming, dear. Quinnie's just laying down. You know how it is," Judy's voice got fainter as she moved away from the door and down the stairs. "Feminine things..."
Quinn sighed and got up. She stripped again and stood in front of the mirror, looking down at the slim body. His defined abs contrasted the roundness of her girlish hips. He looked up to her breasts and sighed. He had done a lot of upper body exercises in the last year to make sure they stayed small, but they were still there. He grabbed a pair of tight fitting boxers and slid them up his legs before grabbing a bra and putting it on with a scowl. Once finished, she grabbed a dress and put it on and yanked a shrug off its hanger.
Quinn put on some perfume and headed down stairs and lingering at their base with a hand on the banister as she watched her father send Judy into the kitchen with a slap to her ass. "Hi, Daddy," she murmured softly.
Russell turned with a smile, opening his arms for a hug. "There's my girl!" He was loud, boisterous and already smelled faintly of his favorite scotch. Between that and the smudge of a lipstick much darker than Judy's preferred color, it was fairly obvious why he was later than usual. "Come and give your daddy a kiss, Lucy."
Quinn walked over and hugged him before pulling away, "Daddy, I told you I wanna be Quinn now... Lucy was that ugly fat girl. I'm not her anymore." Quinn said. "Okay?"
He looked at her for a long moment then shrugged. "Alright. I'll think about it, but you're always my precious ballerina. Come now, sit by your daddy and tell him how your day went!" He moved over to the dining table as Judy bussled about getting dinner on the table. "And how's that boy of yours, Sam wasn't it? A fine, upstanding young man. Reminds me a bit of myself at his age. You know what they say about daughters and their old men, right, lovebug?" He called in to Judy.
"Always going for men like their fathers," Judy smiled at him setting the roast on the table and leaning over to kiss him when he leaned up towards her.
Quinn rolled her eyes, sitting down and crossing her legs at the knee. "My day was fine, Daddy... School, Cheerios, glee. Very busy." She smiled a fake grin and looked at her mother. "Sam is fine too, I went to see him after practice and we hung out at our friend's house and I watched them skateboard."
"Glee," he snorted shaking his head as he carved a portion off the roast for himself, cutting much daintier pieces for his wife and daughter. "I still don't know why you bother with that bunch of misfits. But I'm glad Sam is doing well, even if I find skateboarding to be a little juvenile for a young man of his age."
Quinn's stomach growled and she looked at the plate with a scant amount of food. She just drank her water and looked up, "Glee is fun, Daddy," she explained. "It makes me feel good about myself and I like to sing. It will look good on my college applications too."
"Well, you should know," he pointed at her with his fork, a piece of meat skewered on the end, "I'm only tolerating you being in it because your boy, Sam, is there to keep you safe. I don't trust those people around my baby girl. Especially not that Berry girl with her unnatural family." He shook his head with a scowl as he ate the bite off his fork. "It's disgusting."
"Her fathers are nice, daddy." she said softly, "They go to every performance and bring us cookies and stuff..." she stabbed a piece if her salad and chewed it. "I just... Sam is very nice to me and he's there and he's made a lot of friends. It's very sweet."
"My daughter will not associate with that abomination of a family, Lucy!" He pounded his hand on the table, glaring at her. "I am tolerating your being in your little club with that girl but do not push me, young lady. If I hear about you associating with those disgusting excuses for men again, I will have you out of that club and the entire thing eliminated from the school. Do you understand me? Fabrays do not associate with filth!"
"Okay, Daddy," she whispered and looked down at her plate before looking up to her mother. "I won't be around her anymore... She's not nice anyway and I don't like her." she sighed and ran her hand against her neck, "But Sam wants me there and I want to support him."
"And that is why I tolerate it," Russell nodded with a genial smile, his earlier bad mood seemingly vanished. "A woman should support her man. It's good you're learning so early. Sam will make a fine addition to this family when the boy finally gets his gumption and asks for your hand."
"He might not, Daddy. We might just be for high school... He might not go to college." she said softly as she ate around her meat. "I don't think that we should be pressured to being married. Right, mom?"
Judy looked up from where she was more pushing her food around the plate and sipping her gin and tonic to smile at her child. "Quinnie, dear, no one's pressuring you. Daddy's just saying that Sam would be a good choice. And of course he'll go to college. A bright boy like him and such a good athlete? He's certain to get a scholarship to Ohio State at least."
"Maybe... I don't know." she sighed and rubbed her scraped up elbow. "I hope he goes, he's better than Lima..."
"Of course he will," Russell nodded, turning back to the plate. In his mind, the matter was settled and there was no more discussing it. Judy just nodded and turned her gaze back to her drink with a blank smile.
"You're right, Daddy," she agreed without conviction as she pushed her food around on her plate, knowing that if she ate it all her father would scold her. She was thankful she had a burger with Sam and Blaine after school but she was still hungry. Quinn just rubbed her elbow from where she fell while skateboarding and let the room fall into a silence that Quinn was almost comforted in.