Brittana Review of "Rumours"
Lets start this off with a personal recap. I am an optimistic Santanacentric angst-whore. The following musings are my own truth based on that. Just know I don't even try to be objective. There is no gain in it for me. My pleasure lies in subjective speculation. Hopefully you'll find a little bit of entertainment in that as well.
Now let the story unfold.
***
Last week Santana outed herself in voice-over, this time it was Brittany’s turn to let dubious words slip across her lips and comment on how Santana plays for the other team on her gossip webshow (and I‘m not even gonna comment on how she confirms this rumour with her finger in her mouth). Next to her are Mercedes and Tina who do show surprise, but not necessarily due to the actual idea, but possibly rather because of the seemingly frank and a bit cold confirmation. They were both there for Sectionals and Landslide and every other meeting of glee. And it’s been made clear that Brittana is an open secret within the bounds of that club. Something that is further emphasized as Finn and Rachel read the school paper and comments on the article about the closeted ex-cheerleader. Neither of them bats an eye. Nothing of this is news to them. Neither will it affect the way in which they interact with or view Santana. She may flail in her sexual identification, but she stands solid as the brutally honest bitch of that club.
Santana on the other hand is not nearly as accepting and nonchalant about having made the paper. And as the impulsive being she is she confronts Brittany about it in front of the entire glee club. I love how her passion defies intelligence or logic. For someone who is that frightened of being outed the most logical solution would be to publicly disregard from commenting and bring it up with Brittany when the two of them are alone. But oh noes, that’s not how she works. She gets riled up and snaps at Brittany and as a result only make the whole thing bigger and more noticeable.
A confused Brittany explains that she only meant that Santana no longer is a part of the Cheerios, but now exclusively part of New Directions (hello sexual orentation analogy). Santana’s anger does not ebb, but she continues raging about the wording Brittany used. It‘s kinda perfect. First of all Santana is aggressively straightforward without being condescending. And the fact that Brittany used that specific phrase in relation to Santana is even better. I do think Brittany meant exactly what she said, this wasn’t about being cruel or calculated. This was merely a slip of the tongue. But it is that slip of the tongue that interests and fascinates me. I’m not a huge fan of, but I still gotta appreciate Freud every now and then. This is one of those occasions. For Brittany might not have had any real intent to out Santana, but her heart and subconscious has been working overtime to make the brunette finally let go of the closet and come join her on the metaphorical dance floor of life. So when presented with an opportunity her heart controlled her tongue and the words that slipped past her lips were enough to once more push Santana dangerously close to the cliff they are both desperate to fall off of.
The public confrontation leads to a private one, this time between Artie and Brittany. With justifiable indignation Artie questions his girlfriend about the extent of her relationship with Santana. The seams come undone and Brittana’s fooling around pours out. Whereas Artie attacks Santana and puts a lot of the blame on her, painting her as a manipulative bitch, Brittany actually stands up for her girl telling him, “everybody thinks she’s a bad person, but she’s not”. And the vehemence with which Brittany defends Santana is the beginning of the end of Bartie (or well, to be honest that would have been the first time Santana “manipulated” Brittany while she was Artie’s girlfriend, still this marks that there will be no future for them). The boy loses it, succumbs to anger and attacks her rather ruthlessly, aiming straight for her Achilles’ heel - her intelligence. “You are so stupid” - echoes between them until the tears finally fall down Brittany’s cheeks and she storms off after having commented on how he was the only one who had never called her that.
Artie’s anger and pain is justified in this scene. He is a victim. But ho-boy how it rubs me the wrong way when people say his actions and belittling of her and her intelligence is out of character. Two episodes ago he indirectly said the exact same thing. Go back even further and in Duets she was an insensitive teenage harlot that robbed him of his virginity. He can be a sweet guy with good intentions, but he can be just as superior and mean-spirited. When he is frightened or scared he lashes out by pushing those around him away and down. And I have never ever been shown that he respects her mind and intelligence in any way. So to me there was nothing out of character in that scene, in fact it was very much in character.
First time around I wanted Brittany to confirm that she had indeed cheated, because I believe she understands the consequences of their behaviour, but after having gotten some sense talked into me I realized this was the only way this scene could have played out. She does talk about what she and Santana used to do in a very off-handed kinda way, but this specific scene isn’t about the sincerity or importance of what they shared, but about deflecting Artie’s anger and trying to contain the conflict. I think she reads Santana’s words back to him hoping he will share Santana’s views on things thus avoiding the argument.
Besides, she is probably not going to tell her boyfriend that she “really likes it” when Santana and her “make out and stuff”. So I don’t necessarily see it as Brittany downplaying the meaningfulness of the actions, but rather an attempt to try to contain a possibly volatile situation.
I have to comment on how Artie is supposedly the only one who has never called her stupid, because this I see as Brittany’s perspective rather than reality. Sure Santana can be viciously cruel, but I just have such a hard time seeing her ever saying those actual words to Brittany. We’ve seen her lash out several times, but she never goes for the throat, she always directs her aggression towards other aspects of Brittany or even herself. In Duets she shot Brittany down by degrading herself and her own feelings. In Sexy she attacked Artie and Brittany’s high moral stance. In Original Songs she is once again angry, but never directly offends Brittany. I’m not gonna deny that Santana is an expert at hurting Brittany, but I’ve never felt or seen her intentionally use her words to patronize the blonde or refer to her as intellectually inferior.
However this is Brittany’s insecurity. Just like Santana has a hard time understanding how someone as beautiful and open as Brittany can love her, Brittany has a hard time understanding how someone as sharp and intelligent as Santana can respect her. Which means Brittany may very well have interpreted Santana’s comments as questioning of her intelligence. Just like Santana failed to hear Brittany when she said "I love you". So a comment like the deflecting, “breakfast is confusing to you” might as well have read “you are stupid” to Brittany, which would explain why she so energetically argued her point. She can’t stand to be that person in Santana’s eyes so she will do whatever she can to present herself in a better light. Artie on the other hand brings up magic combs and Santa therefore displaying himself as a lot less intelligent (than he may be) and as a result making it easier for Brittany to relate and interact with him. Intellectually she gets to feel like more of an equal with him. Even though he doesn't treat her as one.
In other words the intense need for acceptance and respect from Santana might colour her interpretations one way. At the same time her more easy-going relationship with Artie might reverse that picture. Which is why she doesn’t question those times he has implied or alluded to her being stupid, but get an overactive imagination when Santana says something that could be interpreted negatively. What I am saying is that I do not think she is quite as concerned about Artie’s perceptions of her as she is with Santana’s and that influences her interpretations of their behaviour towards her. Make of it what you will.
Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that Brittany never once looks back. She doesn’t even try to talk to Artie, but with tears still fresh on her cheeks she grabs hold of freedom with both hands and follows her heart. Seeking out the t-shirt to her shorts. The other part of herself and her best friend. It doesn’t matter that they are angry with each other or having recently had a fight, because when Brittany hurts there is only one person who can make it better. And there is never any doubt or hesitation from Santana, when her better half is crying she will be there to wipe the tears no matter. Neither does it matter they are in a crowded hallway with people milling about privy to their intimate moment. Because some things are just bigger than our personal fears of exposure. Love, when you allow it to be an emotional response rather than a calculate action, is one of those things.
The comfort doesn’t stop at the public yet intimate caresses, but Santana takes it to the next level by bringing Brittany to an empty (sans Brad, but he’s furniture) choir room to lift her spirits through song. Santana takes Brittany’s hand and the blonde affectionately gives her a squeeze as the brunette states that she will use this week’s lesson to brighten Brittany’s mood. She tells her future-girlfriend that she will be singing about her true and private feelings. At which Brittany wins my heart over for the millionth time as she points out that Brad is in fact still in the room. Her subconscious might be willing to quite violently push Santana towards a coming out, but her conscious mind does whatever it can to protect Santana's choices and her emotions.
Also Santana and Brad are awesome together. Not only is he the only one in that club she’s ever said "I’m sorry" to, but there is just something between them. Like a strange kind of mutual respect in their disrespect for every other person that usually comes through that room. I like it. Plus this is totally unrelated and horribly shallow, but I must give a shout out to the costume department, because they appear to be as infatuated with Naya’s shoulder mole as I am. And that I appreciate.
I’m trying to come up with the best way of approaching Songbird and I think a bit of comparison to get myself in the mood might be in order to lay a good foundation before I discuss the scene. So here we go. I think Lea Michele is one of the most emotional performers on that show and when she sings it is like a powerful beam hitting you right between the eyes. Her entire being begins to vibrate with the intensity of her voice and the power she puts into expressing and breathing life into music. To such a point that tears often leak from her eyes and spatter her cheeks. As a result she moves you, at times even deeply.
When Naya Rivera performs on the other hand, she is raw emotion. Every nuance distinguishable, strong and specific. A story told through the smallest but most powerful of details. The breaking of her voice, a hand pressed against her heart, fingers nervously entwining, tears darkening her eyes as her brow briefly knits. Unlike when Lea sings, it is not a raging river of uncontainable intensity, this is a delicate and finely woven quilt of self-expression through music. She doesn’t just move you, she makes love to your ears, eyes and soul. Making you feel vulnerable and exposed but treasured and safe. Sending the tears down your cheeks instead and filling your heart with a bubble of painful sincerity. My words will never do her rendition of Songbird justice and neither should they. Some things can only be experienced. Naya Rivera serenading is one of them.
So I’m gushing, but can you really blame me?
But that song is so much more than her luscious voice or radiant performance, it is layered perfection. First of it is a love song. No distractions, no exceptions, it’s just about celebrating and expressing the love one person has for another. And in many ways there is strong resemblance between the lyrics and traditional marriage vows. Because the song is not merely about love, it is a promise of always standing by your love’s side, always there to comfort and never letting anything stop you from keeping them happy and safe. I’m not saying she sang the song knowing the grander implications of those lyrics, but to compare the maturity and depth of her song selection with many a other song that’s been used to woo a potential partner in glee club is like that step between crayons and perfumes.
Wait, there’s more. On a more intentional level Songbird is about expressing Santana’s private feelings and the private nature of her feelings.
And I feel that when I’m with you // It’s alright, I know it’s right.
This is where Santana is at currently. When she is with Brittany everything is perfect, her heart is content and she feels nothing but love. But as soon as she steps outside of the protective aura of her beloved she loses that strength. As soon as she is away from the blonde’s proximity the fears and doubts tear her to pieces and destroy her conviction and diminishes the strength their love affords her. In your embrace I am everything, without you I am nothing.
A point she continues making as she quite clearly states that she is not ready for a public announcement. Not yet. However the love radiating through the performance and between them makes Brittany blind to how deep that sentiment runs and she continues to try to push Santana out of the closet and into a conventional relationship. And as she does this, there is a line that to me leaves me with no doubt she understood what Santana and her were doing when fooling around behind Artie’s back;
“Why can’t you sing that to me in front of everyone? Now that Artie and I aren’t together.”
Look at those sentences and look at their meaning. The addendum about her and Artie having split up leaves no room to argue differently, she understood that the kind of relationship she wants with Santana and that Santana wants with her could never work while she was still with Artie. She knew that what they had went beyond talking with their tongues super close. Because if she understands that that kind of song can only be sung when they were in an actual relationship, then she also understands they were cheating. If not Santana could just as well have sung that song to her while she was with Artie, but no, she herself makes the distinction. That now when they are free to have an exclusive relationship is the time to publicly declare the extent of their love.
Anyhow, like I said, Brittany is blinded by her love and need. She tries to make a deal with Santana, outing herself first so that her friend will then be free to follow. And the way in which she proposes to do this is to ask Santana to prom on her webshow. Lets just linger on the fact that Santana is Brittany’s first choice for prom. Come what may, Santana will always be her first choice. Always. Something I try to take comfort in as I then witness Santana’s heartbreaking reaction to the proposition. We’ve already established she cannot deny the blonde anything so it is with a terrified expression on her face she accepts and agrees to the arrangement. But as they then wrap their arms around one another I break down and cry a little. Because as Santana with a pained expression cling to her love as if her life depended on it you realise she already knows she won’t be able to go through with it. As well as you can feel Brittany’s unconditional love, you feel Santana’s desperate need in that hug. She wants to, she wants to so badly, but she knows she isn’t strong enough. And as you pick up on the fear and sheer panic she has of losing the one thing that makes her miserable existence pleasant, you find yourself frantically wiping at the moisture soaking your eye-lashes.
Also I love the fact that the whole scene was about them and no one else. I had originally feared that it might somehow have been a pow-wow on Santana’s part, that it came about in some kind of challenge to Artie for Brittany’s heart. Instead the scene went above and beyond my expectations. This had absolutely nothing to do with Artie. This was merely Santana expressing her love for and trying to comfort the woman she loves. And the private nature of the performance only made it that much more precious in my eyes. It wasn’t about image or possession or popularity, it was about the simple elegance and honest emotion of unconditional love. She didn’t do it to win Brittany over, she did it because it was what was in her heart. A heart that belongs to Brittany.
***
This isn’t directly Brittana related, but need to at least mention Brittany’s interview with Will. The girl is fucking quick, man. Like seriously, the way she twists and turns those questions and answers is damnright impressive. I’m telling you, do not underestimate this girl, she will eat you up if you do.
Fondue for Two makes a reprise, but Santana is a no show. She’s the antithesis of Blaine when it comes to txting and finds no words beyond, “I can’t”. I knew it was coming yet it felt like I was knocked to me knees. Brittany’s reaction did not help my hurting heart as she puts on a face and a show. Still her pain seeps through and she ends up taking her hurt and anger out on poor Lord Tubbington. Then if you really cared to overanalyse there is the composition of that frame. How she puts on her show-face and has her back to and disregarding the doll that is supposed to work as a representation of self and used as a tool to help facilitate and open up a dialogue during cases of abuse. It’s just…if you want to, this will read like she has turned her back on her self, her pain and the abuse her heart has taken. And I feel like crying again.
***
Santana panics.
No matter how much I love and admire Brittany I almost wish she wouldn’t have been so strong or so full of courage, because Santana just can’t keep up. She desperately wants to and tries to, but she can’t. For the brunette the emotions in themselves are overwhelming, then add Brittany’s enthusiasm and disregard for cultural norms and the poor girl ends up drowning. And what she does is to grab hold of her pawn from the previous episode and transform him into a buoy to help keep her afloat. She spreads rumours about herself and Karofsky, frantically trying to recreate the image she’s spent all of High School building and maintaining. Their bearding stops being about winning the girl and becomes the only way Santana knows how to keep her head above water and not drown in the cultural ramifications of being a teenage lesbian.
Timidly standing by her locker Brittany looks on with trepidation as Jewfro shoves a mic in Santana‘s face and comments on Santofsky, “so you two are in love. Soulmates so to speak”. Silent seconds tick by and the sentiment is detached from its original context and is left to hover between the two star-crossed lovers. Blue eyes find brown and the pain is so real you feel you can taste it, like bitter wool filling up your mouth, making you nauseous and your breathing strained. Santana holds onto Brittany’s gaze and replies, “yes. I’d say that is accurate”. The words may seem cold and harsh, but in reality were the simple truth of Santana’s sapphic longing. Because she didn’t answer his question, she answered the one her heart asks her every time she looks into Brittany's eyes. Still she knows Brittany is unaware of her true intent and her trademark shame-diversion of the eyes makes yet another appearance before she turns her back on her love, and herself. She knows the hurt she has caused and ripples of shame travel through her, infecting her soul with unadulterated pain. Only deepening her personal belief that she is a fuck-up that does not deserve love.
If you’ve never had to come out you have no right to judge Santana’s behaviour. If you have come out you still have no right to judge her. I’m impressed, amazed and in envy of everyone who has easily breezed out the closet. Who have been so free and liberated from society’s norms and so confident in themselves that for them it was natural and stress free. From what I’ve gathered, for most people that is not the case. Personally that was not the case. I have a wickedly good social safety net of open-minded people that I knew logically would stand by me. I come from an environment were the kind of open ridicule and bullying that exists on this show did not exist. That didn’t make it any easier. It took me four possibly even five years to go from realisation to self-acceptance to actual coming out. So to expect of this kid who clearly has insecurity issues that reach far beyond her sexuality, to deal in the matter of a few episodes is insanity to me. Illogical and unrealistic. The fact that she has Brittany and her love for Brittany does help speed the process along, but there is only so fast one can go without flying off the track or crashing into the stands.
Still Santana has once more succeeded in not just breaking her own heart, but Brittany’s as well. She is getting far too good at it. Her effort with Songbird was valiant, but the ball is still in her court. She needs to stop hiding and go out and just pick it up and feel the pride surge through her as she does so. Then she needs to grovel and use that romantic fool that clearly lives inside of her to make a grand announcement of her feelings. She can’t just come out of the closet, she needs to stride out of it. And transform all of that anger inside of herself into determination with which she begs the love of her life to give her a final chance. A chance that she will actually honour and make good on.
And from a meta pov whoa! I mean talk about driving home the endgame status of the couple. Soulmates? I mean really. I also take this as my cue to sit back, relax and wait for Santana to get Brittany pregnant.
***
Like I mentioned this story is everything and then some. Each week I feel like my heart is going back and forth between being destroyed by their fears and healed by their love. And I can’t even be mad. Because this is just so damn good. The angst lends them a larger than life quality that makes sure they never feel like a ploy or a stunt. They simply feel real, honest and true. Like their love.
Now if you excuse me I shall go shed some more tears. And possibly curl up into the foetal position while doing so.
Now let the story unfold.
***
Last week Santana outed herself in voice-over, this time it was Brittany’s turn to let dubious words slip across her lips and comment on how Santana plays for the other team on her gossip webshow (and I‘m not even gonna comment on how she confirms this rumour with her finger in her mouth). Next to her are Mercedes and Tina who do show surprise, but not necessarily due to the actual idea, but possibly rather because of the seemingly frank and a bit cold confirmation. They were both there for Sectionals and Landslide and every other meeting of glee. And it’s been made clear that Brittana is an open secret within the bounds of that club. Something that is further emphasized as Finn and Rachel read the school paper and comments on the article about the closeted ex-cheerleader. Neither of them bats an eye. Nothing of this is news to them. Neither will it affect the way in which they interact with or view Santana. She may flail in her sexual identification, but she stands solid as the brutally honest bitch of that club.
Santana on the other hand is not nearly as accepting and nonchalant about having made the paper. And as the impulsive being she is she confronts Brittany about it in front of the entire glee club. I love how her passion defies intelligence or logic. For someone who is that frightened of being outed the most logical solution would be to publicly disregard from commenting and bring it up with Brittany when the two of them are alone. But oh noes, that’s not how she works. She gets riled up and snaps at Brittany and as a result only make the whole thing bigger and more noticeable.
A confused Brittany explains that she only meant that Santana no longer is a part of the Cheerios, but now exclusively part of New Directions (hello sexual orentation analogy). Santana’s anger does not ebb, but she continues raging about the wording Brittany used. It‘s kinda perfect. First of all Santana is aggressively straightforward without being condescending. And the fact that Brittany used that specific phrase in relation to Santana is even better. I do think Brittany meant exactly what she said, this wasn’t about being cruel or calculated. This was merely a slip of the tongue. But it is that slip of the tongue that interests and fascinates me. I’m not a huge fan of, but I still gotta appreciate Freud every now and then. This is one of those occasions. For Brittany might not have had any real intent to out Santana, but her heart and subconscious has been working overtime to make the brunette finally let go of the closet and come join her on the metaphorical dance floor of life. So when presented with an opportunity her heart controlled her tongue and the words that slipped past her lips were enough to once more push Santana dangerously close to the cliff they are both desperate to fall off of.
The public confrontation leads to a private one, this time between Artie and Brittany. With justifiable indignation Artie questions his girlfriend about the extent of her relationship with Santana. The seams come undone and Brittana’s fooling around pours out. Whereas Artie attacks Santana and puts a lot of the blame on her, painting her as a manipulative bitch, Brittany actually stands up for her girl telling him, “everybody thinks she’s a bad person, but she’s not”. And the vehemence with which Brittany defends Santana is the beginning of the end of Bartie (or well, to be honest that would have been the first time Santana “manipulated” Brittany while she was Artie’s girlfriend, still this marks that there will be no future for them). The boy loses it, succumbs to anger and attacks her rather ruthlessly, aiming straight for her Achilles’ heel - her intelligence. “You are so stupid” - echoes between them until the tears finally fall down Brittany’s cheeks and she storms off after having commented on how he was the only one who had never called her that.
Artie’s anger and pain is justified in this scene. He is a victim. But ho-boy how it rubs me the wrong way when people say his actions and belittling of her and her intelligence is out of character. Two episodes ago he indirectly said the exact same thing. Go back even further and in Duets she was an insensitive teenage harlot that robbed him of his virginity. He can be a sweet guy with good intentions, but he can be just as superior and mean-spirited. When he is frightened or scared he lashes out by pushing those around him away and down. And I have never ever been shown that he respects her mind and intelligence in any way. So to me there was nothing out of character in that scene, in fact it was very much in character.
First time around I wanted Brittany to confirm that she had indeed cheated, because I believe she understands the consequences of their behaviour, but after having gotten some sense talked into me I realized this was the only way this scene could have played out. She does talk about what she and Santana used to do in a very off-handed kinda way, but this specific scene isn’t about the sincerity or importance of what they shared, but about deflecting Artie’s anger and trying to contain the conflict. I think she reads Santana’s words back to him hoping he will share Santana’s views on things thus avoiding the argument.
Besides, she is probably not going to tell her boyfriend that she “really likes it” when Santana and her “make out and stuff”. So I don’t necessarily see it as Brittany downplaying the meaningfulness of the actions, but rather an attempt to try to contain a possibly volatile situation.
I have to comment on how Artie is supposedly the only one who has never called her stupid, because this I see as Brittany’s perspective rather than reality. Sure Santana can be viciously cruel, but I just have such a hard time seeing her ever saying those actual words to Brittany. We’ve seen her lash out several times, but she never goes for the throat, she always directs her aggression towards other aspects of Brittany or even herself. In Duets she shot Brittany down by degrading herself and her own feelings. In Sexy she attacked Artie and Brittany’s high moral stance. In Original Songs she is once again angry, but never directly offends Brittany. I’m not gonna deny that Santana is an expert at hurting Brittany, but I’ve never felt or seen her intentionally use her words to patronize the blonde or refer to her as intellectually inferior.
However this is Brittany’s insecurity. Just like Santana has a hard time understanding how someone as beautiful and open as Brittany can love her, Brittany has a hard time understanding how someone as sharp and intelligent as Santana can respect her. Which means Brittany may very well have interpreted Santana’s comments as questioning of her intelligence. Just like Santana failed to hear Brittany when she said "I love you". So a comment like the deflecting, “breakfast is confusing to you” might as well have read “you are stupid” to Brittany, which would explain why she so energetically argued her point. She can’t stand to be that person in Santana’s eyes so she will do whatever she can to present herself in a better light. Artie on the other hand brings up magic combs and Santa therefore displaying himself as a lot less intelligent (than he may be) and as a result making it easier for Brittany to relate and interact with him. Intellectually she gets to feel like more of an equal with him. Even though he doesn't treat her as one.
In other words the intense need for acceptance and respect from Santana might colour her interpretations one way. At the same time her more easy-going relationship with Artie might reverse that picture. Which is why she doesn’t question those times he has implied or alluded to her being stupid, but get an overactive imagination when Santana says something that could be interpreted negatively. What I am saying is that I do not think she is quite as concerned about Artie’s perceptions of her as she is with Santana’s and that influences her interpretations of their behaviour towards her. Make of it what you will.
Can we take a moment to appreciate the fact that Brittany never once looks back. She doesn’t even try to talk to Artie, but with tears still fresh on her cheeks she grabs hold of freedom with both hands and follows her heart. Seeking out the t-shirt to her shorts. The other part of herself and her best friend. It doesn’t matter that they are angry with each other or having recently had a fight, because when Brittany hurts there is only one person who can make it better. And there is never any doubt or hesitation from Santana, when her better half is crying she will be there to wipe the tears no matter. Neither does it matter they are in a crowded hallway with people milling about privy to their intimate moment. Because some things are just bigger than our personal fears of exposure. Love, when you allow it to be an emotional response rather than a calculate action, is one of those things.
The comfort doesn’t stop at the public yet intimate caresses, but Santana takes it to the next level by bringing Brittany to an empty (sans Brad, but he’s furniture) choir room to lift her spirits through song. Santana takes Brittany’s hand and the blonde affectionately gives her a squeeze as the brunette states that she will use this week’s lesson to brighten Brittany’s mood. She tells her future-girlfriend that she will be singing about her true and private feelings. At which Brittany wins my heart over for the millionth time as she points out that Brad is in fact still in the room. Her subconscious might be willing to quite violently push Santana towards a coming out, but her conscious mind does whatever it can to protect Santana's choices and her emotions.
Also Santana and Brad are awesome together. Not only is he the only one in that club she’s ever said "I’m sorry" to, but there is just something between them. Like a strange kind of mutual respect in their disrespect for every other person that usually comes through that room. I like it. Plus this is totally unrelated and horribly shallow, but I must give a shout out to the costume department, because they appear to be as infatuated with Naya’s shoulder mole as I am. And that I appreciate.
I’m trying to come up with the best way of approaching Songbird and I think a bit of comparison to get myself in the mood might be in order to lay a good foundation before I discuss the scene. So here we go. I think Lea Michele is one of the most emotional performers on that show and when she sings it is like a powerful beam hitting you right between the eyes. Her entire being begins to vibrate with the intensity of her voice and the power she puts into expressing and breathing life into music. To such a point that tears often leak from her eyes and spatter her cheeks. As a result she moves you, at times even deeply.
When Naya Rivera performs on the other hand, she is raw emotion. Every nuance distinguishable, strong and specific. A story told through the smallest but most powerful of details. The breaking of her voice, a hand pressed against her heart, fingers nervously entwining, tears darkening her eyes as her brow briefly knits. Unlike when Lea sings, it is not a raging river of uncontainable intensity, this is a delicate and finely woven quilt of self-expression through music. She doesn’t just move you, she makes love to your ears, eyes and soul. Making you feel vulnerable and exposed but treasured and safe. Sending the tears down your cheeks instead and filling your heart with a bubble of painful sincerity. My words will never do her rendition of Songbird justice and neither should they. Some things can only be experienced. Naya Rivera serenading is one of them.
So I’m gushing, but can you really blame me?
But that song is so much more than her luscious voice or radiant performance, it is layered perfection. First of it is a love song. No distractions, no exceptions, it’s just about celebrating and expressing the love one person has for another. And in many ways there is strong resemblance between the lyrics and traditional marriage vows. Because the song is not merely about love, it is a promise of always standing by your love’s side, always there to comfort and never letting anything stop you from keeping them happy and safe. I’m not saying she sang the song knowing the grander implications of those lyrics, but to compare the maturity and depth of her song selection with many a other song that’s been used to woo a potential partner in glee club is like that step between crayons and perfumes.
Wait, there’s more. On a more intentional level Songbird is about expressing Santana’s private feelings and the private nature of her feelings.
And I feel that when I’m with you // It’s alright, I know it’s right.
This is where Santana is at currently. When she is with Brittany everything is perfect, her heart is content and she feels nothing but love. But as soon as she steps outside of the protective aura of her beloved she loses that strength. As soon as she is away from the blonde’s proximity the fears and doubts tear her to pieces and destroy her conviction and diminishes the strength their love affords her. In your embrace I am everything, without you I am nothing.
A point she continues making as she quite clearly states that she is not ready for a public announcement. Not yet. However the love radiating through the performance and between them makes Brittany blind to how deep that sentiment runs and she continues to try to push Santana out of the closet and into a conventional relationship. And as she does this, there is a line that to me leaves me with no doubt she understood what Santana and her were doing when fooling around behind Artie’s back;
“Why can’t you sing that to me in front of everyone? Now that Artie and I aren’t together.”
Look at those sentences and look at their meaning. The addendum about her and Artie having split up leaves no room to argue differently, she understood that the kind of relationship she wants with Santana and that Santana wants with her could never work while she was still with Artie. She knew that what they had went beyond talking with their tongues super close. Because if she understands that that kind of song can only be sung when they were in an actual relationship, then she also understands they were cheating. If not Santana could just as well have sung that song to her while she was with Artie, but no, she herself makes the distinction. That now when they are free to have an exclusive relationship is the time to publicly declare the extent of their love.
Anyhow, like I said, Brittany is blinded by her love and need. She tries to make a deal with Santana, outing herself first so that her friend will then be free to follow. And the way in which she proposes to do this is to ask Santana to prom on her webshow. Lets just linger on the fact that Santana is Brittany’s first choice for prom. Come what may, Santana will always be her first choice. Always. Something I try to take comfort in as I then witness Santana’s heartbreaking reaction to the proposition. We’ve already established she cannot deny the blonde anything so it is with a terrified expression on her face she accepts and agrees to the arrangement. But as they then wrap their arms around one another I break down and cry a little. Because as Santana with a pained expression cling to her love as if her life depended on it you realise she already knows she won’t be able to go through with it. As well as you can feel Brittany’s unconditional love, you feel Santana’s desperate need in that hug. She wants to, she wants to so badly, but she knows she isn’t strong enough. And as you pick up on the fear and sheer panic she has of losing the one thing that makes her miserable existence pleasant, you find yourself frantically wiping at the moisture soaking your eye-lashes.
Also I love the fact that the whole scene was about them and no one else. I had originally feared that it might somehow have been a pow-wow on Santana’s part, that it came about in some kind of challenge to Artie for Brittany’s heart. Instead the scene went above and beyond my expectations. This had absolutely nothing to do with Artie. This was merely Santana expressing her love for and trying to comfort the woman she loves. And the private nature of the performance only made it that much more precious in my eyes. It wasn’t about image or possession or popularity, it was about the simple elegance and honest emotion of unconditional love. She didn’t do it to win Brittany over, she did it because it was what was in her heart. A heart that belongs to Brittany.
***
This isn’t directly Brittana related, but need to at least mention Brittany’s interview with Will. The girl is fucking quick, man. Like seriously, the way she twists and turns those questions and answers is damnright impressive. I’m telling you, do not underestimate this girl, she will eat you up if you do.
Fondue for Two makes a reprise, but Santana is a no show. She’s the antithesis of Blaine when it comes to txting and finds no words beyond, “I can’t”. I knew it was coming yet it felt like I was knocked to me knees. Brittany’s reaction did not help my hurting heart as she puts on a face and a show. Still her pain seeps through and she ends up taking her hurt and anger out on poor Lord Tubbington. Then if you really cared to overanalyse there is the composition of that frame. How she puts on her show-face and has her back to and disregarding the doll that is supposed to work as a representation of self and used as a tool to help facilitate and open up a dialogue during cases of abuse. It’s just…if you want to, this will read like she has turned her back on her self, her pain and the abuse her heart has taken. And I feel like crying again.
***
Santana panics.
No matter how much I love and admire Brittany I almost wish she wouldn’t have been so strong or so full of courage, because Santana just can’t keep up. She desperately wants to and tries to, but she can’t. For the brunette the emotions in themselves are overwhelming, then add Brittany’s enthusiasm and disregard for cultural norms and the poor girl ends up drowning. And what she does is to grab hold of her pawn from the previous episode and transform him into a buoy to help keep her afloat. She spreads rumours about herself and Karofsky, frantically trying to recreate the image she’s spent all of High School building and maintaining. Their bearding stops being about winning the girl and becomes the only way Santana knows how to keep her head above water and not drown in the cultural ramifications of being a teenage lesbian.
Timidly standing by her locker Brittany looks on with trepidation as Jewfro shoves a mic in Santana‘s face and comments on Santofsky, “so you two are in love. Soulmates so to speak”. Silent seconds tick by and the sentiment is detached from its original context and is left to hover between the two star-crossed lovers. Blue eyes find brown and the pain is so real you feel you can taste it, like bitter wool filling up your mouth, making you nauseous and your breathing strained. Santana holds onto Brittany’s gaze and replies, “yes. I’d say that is accurate”. The words may seem cold and harsh, but in reality were the simple truth of Santana’s sapphic longing. Because she didn’t answer his question, she answered the one her heart asks her every time she looks into Brittany's eyes. Still she knows Brittany is unaware of her true intent and her trademark shame-diversion of the eyes makes yet another appearance before she turns her back on her love, and herself. She knows the hurt she has caused and ripples of shame travel through her, infecting her soul with unadulterated pain. Only deepening her personal belief that she is a fuck-up that does not deserve love.
If you’ve never had to come out you have no right to judge Santana’s behaviour. If you have come out you still have no right to judge her. I’m impressed, amazed and in envy of everyone who has easily breezed out the closet. Who have been so free and liberated from society’s norms and so confident in themselves that for them it was natural and stress free. From what I’ve gathered, for most people that is not the case. Personally that was not the case. I have a wickedly good social safety net of open-minded people that I knew logically would stand by me. I come from an environment were the kind of open ridicule and bullying that exists on this show did not exist. That didn’t make it any easier. It took me four possibly even five years to go from realisation to self-acceptance to actual coming out. So to expect of this kid who clearly has insecurity issues that reach far beyond her sexuality, to deal in the matter of a few episodes is insanity to me. Illogical and unrealistic. The fact that she has Brittany and her love for Brittany does help speed the process along, but there is only so fast one can go without flying off the track or crashing into the stands.
Still Santana has once more succeeded in not just breaking her own heart, but Brittany’s as well. She is getting far too good at it. Her effort with Songbird was valiant, but the ball is still in her court. She needs to stop hiding and go out and just pick it up and feel the pride surge through her as she does so. Then she needs to grovel and use that romantic fool that clearly lives inside of her to make a grand announcement of her feelings. She can’t just come out of the closet, she needs to stride out of it. And transform all of that anger inside of herself into determination with which she begs the love of her life to give her a final chance. A chance that she will actually honour and make good on.
And from a meta pov whoa! I mean talk about driving home the endgame status of the couple. Soulmates? I mean really. I also take this as my cue to sit back, relax and wait for Santana to get Brittany pregnant.
***
Like I mentioned this story is everything and then some. Each week I feel like my heart is going back and forth between being destroyed by their fears and healed by their love. And I can’t even be mad. Because this is just so damn good. The angst lends them a larger than life quality that makes sure they never feel like a ploy or a stunt. They simply feel real, honest and true. Like their love.
Now if you excuse me I shall go shed some more tears. And possibly curl up into the foetal position while doing so.