Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline [Skins; Naomi/Emily] - Part One
Title: Where I Stood (7/8)
Chapter: Emily’s Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy, JJ
Rating: R
Word Count: 10,619
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Where I Stood - Chapter Two: Wait It Out
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #1: Nineteen
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part Two)
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AN: Warning - The last few scenes of this interlude go past the timeline we have reached in the main story from Naomi’s POV. However we will rewind back to where we left off with Naomi in chapter five in the next (and final) chapter and some of the parts that happen here will arise again in order with the events that take place in her final chapter.
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Emily’s Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline //Seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign. Little negative of hopes refined.\\
It's a lot like being sucked in.
It's the only way Emily can think to describe it.
She reacts on instinct, goes to Naomi willingly when she feels herself being drawn towards her. She can't stop it, can't control the way her heart, body, soul and mind seem desperately aching to reconnect with Naomi's.
It makes Emily think of magnets, how they come together without restraint, eager to stay attached. But it doesn't make sense, one negatively charged magnet and one positively charged magnet make a pair, but two of the same only act to repel against each other, pushing each other away, never fully touching, never fully connecting.
She ponders the idea then; of what pole she would be, positive or negative. It seems fairly obvious when she thinks of Katie, who will always be the negative in their relationship. She must be the positive, because despite all of their arguments and desire to pull away from each other they never really can, they're a pair. Katie's the dark while she's light; the perfect match.
Rachel calls for her to come to bed, but her feet don't move on command like they should. Instead she lets herself consider what Rachel is in this magnet scenario. Positive, Emily thinks after a second, knows that Rachel is always optimistic, always hopeful, always believing, never wanting to give up on anything; she's definitely a positive.
It only occurs to Emily as she makes her way up the stairs that she and Rachel are both positive in a world where that equation doesn't really match up.
Resist, Emily thinks as she slides into her side of the bed and watches Rachel turn out the light. Closes her eyes and let’s herself think of briefly of Naomi.
If she's positive then Naomi is definitely--
Oh, Emily thinks as Rachel snuggles in closer to her, sliding an arm possessively around her waist that feels entirely too restricting, opposites attract.
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It happens the moment that she sees them interact together at the zoo.
Emily feels her chest constricting pleasantly as her heart bursts with something akin to pride while she watches Bricker’s little hand wrapped securely in Naomi’s own, Naomi pointing out the animals to Bricker as they walk around and each time imitating the animal in a goofy way that makes Bricker giggle beautifully, his face lighting up with a fond smile whenever Naomi reaches out for him.
Afterwards Naomi will always turn to her, smile softly in a way that has never not made Emily’s stomach flutter, and teasingly say something along the lines of, “Get over here and join in Em”. And just like that she’s pulled in from being an observer to taking part in a life that feels far too much like a dream to be real.
But then the back of Naomi’s hand will brush against her own while they walk, and it’s shocking at first, that reminder that she isn’t seventeen, day-dreaming on her bed about the life she and Naomi could someday share together. It’s a knock back to reality, to see Naomi with Bricker, looking over him with so much love that Emily can hardly believe that the woman standing in front of her is the same girl she fell blindly in love with.
Only this time her eyes are open, and they’re not seventeen anymore. Everything’s different and yet the same; she’s falling and doesn’t want to ever stop.
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Her lungs ache with every breath she takes, the air thick with something entirely intoxicating as she watches Naomi delicately place Bricker into his bed, wrapping the sheets around him carefully and brushing a loving kiss across his forehead.
Naomi moves to stand beside her and doesn’t say a word as she watches Bricker sleep with a beautifully fond smile tugging at the corners of her lips. It takes Emily back to that old couple, still together, still looking at each other in a way that spoke of their years of devoted love for one another.
She can’t help bringing them up as her memory of their afternoon fills her mind. She isn’t really aware of anything that she’s saying until Naomi turns her head towards her and their eyes meet. Emily stops breathing then, sees Naomi’s eyes drop to her lips and feels herself edging closer without warning, leaning in towards Naomi without control.
It makes her eyes feel heavy, her body overpowered by the haze that captures her completely as Naomi’s lips come closer to her own at a pace that is achingly slow, but a second before they touch, Effy’s voice bellows loudly, bouncing off the walls around them and making her snap her body away from Naomi’s like it hurts her to be so close.
It’s shocking then, the way that her heart beats rapidly, the way that she has to look away from Naomi in fear of being sucked in by whatever spell is still lingering between them. The guilt washes over her quickly, leaves Emily feeling so sick that the only thing she can think to do is flee the scene all together.
This isn’t happening to me, Emily thinks as she scrambles unsteadily back into her car, it can’t be.
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She kisses Rachel fiercely the moment she sets foot into their house; presses her up against the kitchen counter and muffles Rachel’s surprise with hungry lips and forceful hands. Rachel doesn’t protest, just sinks into her and lets Emily kiss her, responding only to tangle her hands into Emily’s hair as she gently walks them backwards towards the stairs.
When they reach their room, Emily doesn’t waste time stripping Rachel from her clothes and pressing her to the bed, her lips hot on Rachel’s neck and fingers pressed within her as she fights to reset the unbalance that her day with Naomi has brought between them.
Rachel cries out her name when she comes and Emily almost feels like she’s done it, she’s put things back the way they’re supposed to be, made Rachel her equivalent; the equilibrium of her world set right once again.
But then Rachel rolls them over, settles Emily against the mattress and works down her body so slowly that it forces Emily to squeeze her eyes tightly shut. It should be out of pleasure when her knuckles turn white from the grip she has on the sheets but instead she’s overcome by unbearable pain; bites down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying when her mind refuses to shut off.
Emily knows it isn’t right, when she comes, letting out a shuddering breath instead of Rachel’s name, and of being disappointed when she reopens her eyes to find green staring back at her instead of the blue she’d hoped for.
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She doesn’t make her presence known when she arrives, manages to sneak in unseen and just watches for a long time. It’s soothing, watching JJ interacting with Bricker, to see that bright smile on JJ’s face reflected on the little boy in front of him, it makes everything feel simpler, less terrifying that something so tangled can be unwoven and carefully put straight.
JJ catches sight of her after awhile and waves a little tentatively as he takes in the look on her face. He bobs down and whispers something to Bricker, pointing his finger towards a group of boys playing with some Lego and watches until Bricker has joined in with them before making his way over to Emily.
He doesn’t say anything when he sits down next to her, just studies her face and waits for Emily to start talking. It’s how their friendship has always worked, he doesn’t know how to push her for answers and she doesn’t give them until she’s ready.
“Do you think you’ll ever want that?” Emily asks, turning her attention away from the children playing and finally meeting JJ’s eyes.
JJ looks flustered by her sudden question, his eyes blinking rapidly. “Want what?”
Emily runs her fingers through her hair and shrugs her shoulders, her head nodding in Bricker’s direction. “A family? Children?”
“Well it is the normal desire for most species to want to mate and breed because--”
“Jay...” Emily says his name softly, placing her hand on his arm and giving him a small smile.
JJ swallows and looks pensive for a long moment before he finally says, “Despite all of that, I haven’t ever really considered it because it’s something that a person should only think about when they’re in a committed relationship, which I haven’t ever really been in... and well, you really should have a steady lifestyle and the financial ability if you’re going to bring a child into the world.”
“What about Effy? You two are getting serious, aren’t you?”
“Yes, well.” JJ looks bashful then, a small flush colouring his cheeks. “She already has Bricker doesn’t she? And Naomi is there to provide additional support regardless of not being Bricker’s other biological parent.”
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries to ignore the headache that’s setting in. “But if things changed, if Naomi wasn’t there, if she was with-- somebody else, would you like that? To spend more time with Effy and Bricker?”
JJ looks confused as to where this conversation is going, picks up on the change in the pitch of Emily’s tone and says, “In that case, yes, I think I would like that, very much.” He follows Emily’s eye line and let’s himself watch the children with her for a few seconds before continuing, “What about you Emily, would you like children?”
Emily doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t know why she’s even asking, but it’s all been too much.
Too much with Rachel and too much of Naomi; her head feels overcome by how much she feels for both of them. And she hates that in some ways it’s still not enough; that there’s never enough of her to go around, to give everyone- Katie, Rachel, Naomi, her parents- a piece of herself.
She turns her gaze back over to JJ, her voice unexpectedly quiet when she finally says, “With the right person I would. I mean, a child has to come from a home of love, y’know? It can’t just happen because two people selfishly think they can do it; they have to actually become parents, make it work out of unconditional love and trust for one another as well as the baby they bring into the world. It’s a lot.”
JJ nods his head slowly at her answer and looks about as concerned as he ever does when he finally asks, “Do you think that you and Rachel will ever have children?”
Emily looks away from him then, doesn’t know how to answer, what the right answer even is, and she doesn’t understand how she’s gone from feeling like her life was planned out for her, to feeling so utterly lost again.
Bricker appears in front of them a second later, holding out a Lego brick for JJ and Emily feels thankful that he’s stopped her from having to answer. “Come play Jay, we can build a house.”
JJ smiles back at him. “That sounds like a good idea.” He touches Bricker’s shoulder and then points at Emily. “Aren’t you going to be polite and say hello to Emily?”
Bricker shuffles on his feet, his eyes looking over in her direction but not meeting her own for a few long seconds, but then he smiles when she does and says, “Hey Emlee, you come and play too?”
Emily smiles back at him and stands along with JJ when she replies, “I’d love too,” and lets Bricker take her hand and lead her over to the piles of Lego.
And then it doesn’t matter, none of it does, not for the next few minutes when all that’s important is what colour bricks they use for the house and Emily relishes in Bricker’s offer to unknowingly grant her an momentary escape.
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It’s bloody ridiculous how much seeing Naomi with another woman makes her feel like she’s suffocating; her lungs are burning so much that it physically hurts Emily to breathe.
She doesn’t know why she does it either, acts like a rude, snotty twat and come across as a complete dick to the girl Naomi has brought along with her, just knows that her vision blurs to red and she can’t shake it away even for a second.
She stops breathing all together when they finally get outside of the stifling restaurant, her efforts to use Rachel as a shield backfiring completely when Naomi pulls Melanie into her body and kisses her deeply and openly enough for Emily to see.
And then Naomi pulls back and catches her eye, throws a smirk at her that causes more damage than Emily can remembering suffering for a long time and wills herself not to give Naomi back the power to make her cry as she averts her gaze.
-----
She latches onto Rachel as soon as they get home and kisses her forcefully in a way that she knows will leave their lips bruised for days. Emily doesn’t worry what it means when Rachel just goes along with her, lets Emily fuck her wild and hard up against the wall of their hallway.
They invade her head, flashes of Naomi with Melanie, and it’s so agonizing that all Emily can think to do is sink her teeth into the skin of Rachel’s shoulder and hiss out in pain as Rachel’s comes, clawing her fingers down the flesh of Emily’s back; deep enough to draw blood and mark her.
Emily studies them in the mirror later that night - once Rachel’s fallen asleep, sweaty and exhausted and tangled up in their bed - sees the deep red marks etched into her skin and hopes that seeing them every time she undresses for the next few days will keep her grounded, keep her here, where she’s meant to be and not treading dangerously across that line that continues to blur and waver inside of her mind of what’s right and wrong.
-----
She does well for the most part, doesn’t let herself think about Naomi (doesn’t acknowledge that it takes effort not to) and focuses instead on the way her life with Rachel was before they ever moved to London; easier, less complicated, safe.
“Effy’s taking Bricker back home to see her mum this week,” JJ tells her over the phone one evening.
Emily knows she shouldn’t ask, but she does anyway. “I suppose Naomi’s going with them, then?”
She hears ruffling on the phone and JJ’s usual muttering about something entirely unrelated before he replies, “No, actually. Effy wanted to go and do this on her own. I believe her relationship with her mother is still as complicated as it was when we were adolescents.”
“Oh. So she’s home alone then?” Emily curses herself the moment the words leave her mouth, and feels her resolve crumbling as soon as JJ replies with a simple “Yes.”
She scrolls through her phone the moment she hangs up with JJ and lets her finger hover over the option to call Naomi, but she can’t quite do it. She doesn’t know what to say when the last time they saw each other they’d almost-- and then she’d avoided Naomi for days. There was no way that Naomi wouldn’t know what she’d been doing by trying to put some space between them, but they couldn’t keep doing this, couldn’t keep living with the obvious awkwardness that sometimes settled over them. They had to find a way to deal with it, and maybe forgetting about it, acting like none of it had happened, that they were just friends would work.
Emily decides on a text, thinks that it’s safer somehow, that she can delete the evidence from her outbox and pretend she never tried contacting Naomi if she doesn’t receive a reply.
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Naomi’s reply is equally as casual, friendly without a hint of why they haven’t spoken for days hidden behind her words and Emily finds herself at Naomi’s house armed with bottles of wine before she can ever think further about their problems.
It goes well for the most part, they drink, they talk, they laugh, and Emily is almost surprised that she’s let herself forget just how much she enjoys spending time with Naomi when everything is relaxed and uncomplicated.
But then Naomi mentions the MDMA brownies, and it’s like a snowball effect, the way Naomi has pushed that first domino down and all they can do is watch as the rest of them go down in turn. The air between them changes so quickly into something thick that makes it even harder for Emily in her hazy state to think rationally about the way things are progressing.
One minute Naomi’s fingers are on her neck and the next thing Emily becomes aware of is Naomi’s mouth pressing against her own. It acts like a jolt, sends her reeling backwards and away from Naomi as quickly as she can, realisation of what she’s let happen between them slapping Emily hard in the face.
And so she does the only thing she can think of, runs.
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Emily doesn’t head home, doesn’t know how she could possibly face Rachel after letting Naomi’s lips press against hers. It isn’t right and it most certainly isn’t fair and-- she hates herself for not being able to think of anything other than how good it had felt to have Naomi touch her, to kiss her again.
She drives around for almost an hour, sorting it all out in her head and telling herself what is right and what is wrong and before she knows it she’s back outside Naomi’s house, banging impatiently on the door and feeling like she could almost burst from the anger she can feel seeping out of her skin.
She starts off strong, manages to believe in herself and the words she’s saying but then Naomi looks at her in a way that’s totally open and so obviously pained that it breaks Emily in a second, leaves her ending her argument begging Naomi with a pathetic ‘please’ and somehow, even as the words fall from her mouth Emily isn’t sure if the please is really to ask Naomi to stop or whether she’s begging her not to.
It only gets worse when Naomi gets close enough to touch Emily’s face and says those three words that Emily yearned for Naomi to truly mean every single day that they were together. And it surprises Emily just how much it hurts to hear Naomi finally say it, to finally mean it, so much so that she can’t help but sob through the overwhelming relief she feels that she hasn’t always been alone in this all these years, that Naomi has been there too, has been struggling to contain it just as much as she has.
Love, it’s the last word Emily’s conscious of as she pulls Naomi closer and kisses her back.
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Emily doesn’t think then, she can’t if she’s to have this.
She takes as much as Naomi as she can and finds herself drowning when Naomi lets her, offers up more of herself than Emily can ever remember her doing before, and it’s beautiful then, watching Naomi so free and willing beneath her hands and mouth, and hearing Naomi moaning out her name as she comes before pulling Emily in for a kiss that’s so deep and so loving that Emily feels completely dizzy; intoxicated on Naomi alone.
And then Naomi touches her and it’s so strikingly different to all of the other times that Naomi’s touched her that Emily almost can’t breathe. Naomi’s so gentle, so tentative in exploring every inch of her body like she’s never seen it before that Emily can’t help but squeeze her eyes tightly shut, it feels too much, so much with the way Naomi’s eyes are burning into her skin; unravelling Emily more with every second longer that she doesn’t look away.
It’s when Naomi whispers her name and caresses her face, her own eyes flooded with tears and says so gently, so honesty, “It’s okay, I promise.” that Emily lets herself break under Naomi’s loving command.
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Naomi holds her when she cries, tries to soothe her with words of comfort, of promises that Emily can’t think about let alone comprehend when all she feels is a sense of helplessness; a need for answers that won’t change anything now but still answers she’s craved all these years.
Naomi keeps saying she’s sorry as if that alone can erase the time they’ve wasted and holds Emily closer, kisses her again as if to prove it, and Emily lets her, kisses back with wild intensity, wants Naomi to show her just how much she loves her again and again until it’s all Emily’s sure of in the world and nothing else matters.
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It’s waking up and hearing Rachel’s voice on the phone that immediately infects Emily with guilt so powerful that she can’t bear to look Naomi in the eye. She knows it was wrong to have been so selfish and let herself fall into the moment with Naomi but knows there’s also no way she could have stopped it. It’s how things were between them, always.
She just hopes she can put a stop to it now before she causes anymore damage and hurt to the two women she loves.
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Rachel smiles up at her from her place on the sofa when Emily walks into the house, puts down the file she’s reading and slips her glasses off of her nose and says, “You look like you had a rough night. Come sit down, darling, I’ll fetch you some tablets for that killer hangover I’m sure you have.”
Emily can only nod her head mutely in response and has to bite down hard on her tongue to stop the onslaught of tears she can feel building in her eyes, knows there’s nothing she can do or say to ever take back what she’s done.
“Here, take these,” Rachel says handing out a glass of water and the tablets and smiles fondly as Emily weakly swallows them down. “Aw sweetheart, you look awful.” She reaches out a hand and brushes the hair away from Emily’s face before continuing, “You guys really out did yourselves, huh?”
Emily swallows down the lump that forms in her head and squeezes her eyes shut when her vision fills with memories of Naomi, panting and whimpering beneath her. She feels Rachel sigh as she takes the glass from Emily’s hand and a moment later Rachel’s resumed her position on the couch and is pulling Emily in to sit between her legs; Emily’s back pressed to her chest as she wraps her arms tightly around Emily’s waist and presses a soft kiss to the top of her shoulder.
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries not to tense in Rachel’s arms as she fails to shut out the images of Naomi, and tries not to think how she’s now tainted every caress and every kiss that Rachel will ever give her.
Lets the silence swallow her whole and hopes Rachel won’t say anything that will cause her to crack and reveal her wrongdoings.
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Emily closes her eyes, focuses on keeping her breathing steady and doesn’t move an inch when she feels Rachel carefully slip into bed next to her, knows her mission of faking to be asleep has passed with flying colours when she hears Rachel breathing evenly beside her a few moments later.
It’s only then, when she’s sure that she won’t have to face looking into Rachel’s caring green eyes that Emily shifts over enough to lie on her side and watch Rachel sleep; takes in the way her face is illuminated beautifully by the sliver of moonlight creeping in through the curtains and can no longer hold back her guilt-ridden tears.
She sobs quietly, muffling the sound into her pillow as she watches Rachel sleeping and reaches out gently to run her fingertips through Rachel’s silky brown hair, feels Rachel nuzzle into her touch and hates how unaware she’s made Rachel of just how fucked up everything is.
Emily lets out a choked breath when Rachel unconsciously snuggles in closer to her a second later, throwing an arm over Emily’s waist and can’t help feeling her heart clenching so painfully in her chest that it hurts to breathe.
It’s what I deserve, Emily thinks, and turns her face away from Rachel’s own, unable to look at the woman who she’s undeservedly betrayed in the worst way possible.
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“How’s Naomi?” Rachel asks as she takes another bite of her dessert.
It’s said in such a conversational and easy way that Emily balks immediately, has to painfully swallow down her own mouthful before looking up at Rachel with wide eyes.
“She’s fine, I think.” She ducks her head down to look at her plate, prodding at her slice of pie with her spoon before cautiously adding, “Why are you asking?”
Rachel shoots her a fond smile. “Because she’s your friend, and I like her, and I’d like to get to know her and Effy better. Is that not okay?”
Emily nods her head mutely, can’t think of any other way to reply when talking will only make her want to say ‘no’ and she knows that saying no will only bring up more questions that she can’t answer honestly.
She settles for a forced smile instead and spoons another piece of the pie into her mouth and says, “The apple crumble is amazing, I’m lucky you’re such a good chef,” and thanks God that Rachel takes the bait of praise so easily and drops talking about Naomi all together.
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It feels a lot like sabotage. As if the world is setting her up to pay for her mistakes in the worst possible form of torture; her current girlfriend and her ex staring up at her from their seats in her garden, both looking at her in a way that undoes her completely.
Rachel seems completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the moment she’s created just by throwing this simple housewarming get together, and Emily’s never been more thankful that Rachel keeps up with her perfect social butterfly skills as she slips back into conversation with Effy, failing to notice the way Emily can’t bring herself to look in Naomi’s direction at all.
And it’s hard not to look, because she knows she wants to, has missed Naomi to the stage of aching while they’ve been apart these last few days and yet Emily’s aware of how wrong even that notion is. She shouldn’t miss her, because missing her leads to wanting her and Emily can’t want her because it isn’t right, she can’t and letting herself look at Naomi will ruin her restraint in a spilt second.
But Naomi doesn’t play fair, and Emily drops the bottle of wine she reaches for, jerks as Naomi’s warm hand skims across her thigh, cursing loudly as she jumps back, the wine slipping from her unsteady fingers and watches the bottle shatters before her eyes.
Just like my life, Emily thinks momentarily before Rachel’s voice fills her ears and instructs her back to the house to clean up.
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“Do you love her?”
Emily hears each word fall from Naomi’s mouth like a gun-shot and has to squeeze her eyes tightly shut to save herself from seeing Naomi’s face breaking in the same way that her voice has, knows it’ll kill her completely to have to look back into those deep blue eyes and attempt an answer that isn’t the truth but also isn’t a lie.
She lets out a shaky breath and forces her eyes back open to find Naomi’s, wants her to see it all, all of the honesty and all of the reasons why, hopes that just by being able to look at her that maybe Naomi will finally understand everything that Emily can’t seem to actually say.
Emily finally responds after a long moment with, “Yes, I love her.”
Naomi’s response comes like a reflex, the breath escaping her mouth is choked and painful and she tears her eyes away before Emily can see any of the damage she’s just caused. It’s not shocking at all then, when Emily finds her own breath catching, feels her chest constricting agonizingly, her eyes burning with tears just waiting to fall free.
And then Naomi looks back at her, the spark in her eyes extinguished by obvious defeat and tears spilling down her cheeks when she offers up a pathetic and sorrowful attempt at a smile and says, “I just needed to hear you say it.” before turning on her heel and retreating away from her; each step she takes sounding dreadfully final.
It’s that thought alone that unravels Emily completely, makes her heart burst with all of the feelings that she’d packed away and tried to keep hidden and removed from her life for the last seven years, until she can do nothing but quell the unbearable aching of utter emptiness in her chest by stopping Naomi leaving; calling out for her desperately.
And she says it then, admits it openly as she whispers through a trembling voice, “I love her. But not like I love you.”
When Naomi reaches for her then, pulls their bodies together tightly into a needy embrace, Emily can do nothing but shudder. It feels so right, being back in Naomi’s arm, it’s the only place she’s ever felt safe and yet for all that it makes her feel, it’s still not enough, it never was, not when Naomi was always so close and yet so far away, and it wakes Emily up, reminds her of the reality that for all of their closeness, for all of their stolen moments and hushed confessions, they’re still worlds apart.
It hurts just as much as it did the first time, to have to admit that love isn’t always all it was meant to be, that loving someone can’t overcome every obstacle between them, to be the one to have to call it off and to have to pull away from Naomi and break both of their hearts with a truthful, “It’s not enough Naomi.”
But even after she says it, even after she walks away and back to Rachel, Emily can’t help herself from wishing that it was.
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Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part Two)
Chapter: Emily’s Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline
Pairing: Naomi/Emily, Effy, JJ
Rating: R
Word Count: 10,619
Disclaimer: I don't own the Skins characters, I'm just borrowing them for a little while to play in my own world.
Summary:The regrets you make always come back to haunt you...
Where I Stood - Chapter One: What I Wanted To Say
Where I Stood - Chapter Two: Wait It Out
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Three: No Longer What You Require (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #1: Nineteen
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Four: I Saw (Part Two)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part One)
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part Two)
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AN: Warning - The last few scenes of this interlude go past the timeline we have reached in the main story from Naomi’s POV. However we will rewind back to where we left off with Naomi in chapter five in the next (and final) chapter and some of the parts that happen here will arise again in order with the events that take place in her final chapter.
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Emily’s Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline //Seven years combined is just the flicker of a neon sign. Little negative of hopes refined.\\
It's a lot like being sucked in.
It's the only way Emily can think to describe it.
She reacts on instinct, goes to Naomi willingly when she feels herself being drawn towards her. She can't stop it, can't control the way her heart, body, soul and mind seem desperately aching to reconnect with Naomi's.
It makes Emily think of magnets, how they come together without restraint, eager to stay attached. But it doesn't make sense, one negatively charged magnet and one positively charged magnet make a pair, but two of the same only act to repel against each other, pushing each other away, never fully touching, never fully connecting.
She ponders the idea then; of what pole she would be, positive or negative. It seems fairly obvious when she thinks of Katie, who will always be the negative in their relationship. She must be the positive, because despite all of their arguments and desire to pull away from each other they never really can, they're a pair. Katie's the dark while she's light; the perfect match.
Rachel calls for her to come to bed, but her feet don't move on command like they should. Instead she lets herself consider what Rachel is in this magnet scenario. Positive, Emily thinks after a second, knows that Rachel is always optimistic, always hopeful, always believing, never wanting to give up on anything; she's definitely a positive.
It only occurs to Emily as she makes her way up the stairs that she and Rachel are both positive in a world where that equation doesn't really match up.
Resist, Emily thinks as she slides into her side of the bed and watches Rachel turn out the light. Closes her eyes and let’s herself think of briefly of Naomi.
If she's positive then Naomi is definitely--
Oh, Emily thinks as Rachel snuggles in closer to her, sliding an arm possessively around her waist that feels entirely too restricting, opposites attract.
-----
It happens the moment that she sees them interact together at the zoo.
Emily feels her chest constricting pleasantly as her heart bursts with something akin to pride while she watches Bricker’s little hand wrapped securely in Naomi’s own, Naomi pointing out the animals to Bricker as they walk around and each time imitating the animal in a goofy way that makes Bricker giggle beautifully, his face lighting up with a fond smile whenever Naomi reaches out for him.
Afterwards Naomi will always turn to her, smile softly in a way that has never not made Emily’s stomach flutter, and teasingly say something along the lines of, “Get over here and join in Em”. And just like that she’s pulled in from being an observer to taking part in a life that feels far too much like a dream to be real.
But then the back of Naomi’s hand will brush against her own while they walk, and it’s shocking at first, that reminder that she isn’t seventeen, day-dreaming on her bed about the life she and Naomi could someday share together. It’s a knock back to reality, to see Naomi with Bricker, looking over him with so much love that Emily can hardly believe that the woman standing in front of her is the same girl she fell blindly in love with.
Only this time her eyes are open, and they’re not seventeen anymore. Everything’s different and yet the same; she’s falling and doesn’t want to ever stop.
-----
Her lungs ache with every breath she takes, the air thick with something entirely intoxicating as she watches Naomi delicately place Bricker into his bed, wrapping the sheets around him carefully and brushing a loving kiss across his forehead.
Naomi moves to stand beside her and doesn’t say a word as she watches Bricker sleep with a beautifully fond smile tugging at the corners of her lips. It takes Emily back to that old couple, still together, still looking at each other in a way that spoke of their years of devoted love for one another.
She can’t help bringing them up as her memory of their afternoon fills her mind. She isn’t really aware of anything that she’s saying until Naomi turns her head towards her and their eyes meet. Emily stops breathing then, sees Naomi’s eyes drop to her lips and feels herself edging closer without warning, leaning in towards Naomi without control.
It makes her eyes feel heavy, her body overpowered by the haze that captures her completely as Naomi’s lips come closer to her own at a pace that is achingly slow, but a second before they touch, Effy’s voice bellows loudly, bouncing off the walls around them and making her snap her body away from Naomi’s like it hurts her to be so close.
It’s shocking then, the way that her heart beats rapidly, the way that she has to look away from Naomi in fear of being sucked in by whatever spell is still lingering between them. The guilt washes over her quickly, leaves Emily feeling so sick that the only thing she can think to do is flee the scene all together.
This isn’t happening to me, Emily thinks as she scrambles unsteadily back into her car, it can’t be.
-----
She kisses Rachel fiercely the moment she sets foot into their house; presses her up against the kitchen counter and muffles Rachel’s surprise with hungry lips and forceful hands. Rachel doesn’t protest, just sinks into her and lets Emily kiss her, responding only to tangle her hands into Emily’s hair as she gently walks them backwards towards the stairs.
When they reach their room, Emily doesn’t waste time stripping Rachel from her clothes and pressing her to the bed, her lips hot on Rachel’s neck and fingers pressed within her as she fights to reset the unbalance that her day with Naomi has brought between them.
Rachel cries out her name when she comes and Emily almost feels like she’s done it, she’s put things back the way they’re supposed to be, made Rachel her equivalent; the equilibrium of her world set right once again.
But then Rachel rolls them over, settles Emily against the mattress and works down her body so slowly that it forces Emily to squeeze her eyes tightly shut. It should be out of pleasure when her knuckles turn white from the grip she has on the sheets but instead she’s overcome by unbearable pain; bites down hard on her lip to stop herself from crying when her mind refuses to shut off.
Emily knows it isn’t right, when she comes, letting out a shuddering breath instead of Rachel’s name, and of being disappointed when she reopens her eyes to find green staring back at her instead of the blue she’d hoped for.
-----
She doesn’t make her presence known when she arrives, manages to sneak in unseen and just watches for a long time. It’s soothing, watching JJ interacting with Bricker, to see that bright smile on JJ’s face reflected on the little boy in front of him, it makes everything feel simpler, less terrifying that something so tangled can be unwoven and carefully put straight.
JJ catches sight of her after awhile and waves a little tentatively as he takes in the look on her face. He bobs down and whispers something to Bricker, pointing his finger towards a group of boys playing with some Lego and watches until Bricker has joined in with them before making his way over to Emily.
He doesn’t say anything when he sits down next to her, just studies her face and waits for Emily to start talking. It’s how their friendship has always worked, he doesn’t know how to push her for answers and she doesn’t give them until she’s ready.
“Do you think you’ll ever want that?” Emily asks, turning her attention away from the children playing and finally meeting JJ’s eyes.
JJ looks flustered by her sudden question, his eyes blinking rapidly. “Want what?”
Emily runs her fingers through her hair and shrugs her shoulders, her head nodding in Bricker’s direction. “A family? Children?”
“Well it is the normal desire for most species to want to mate and breed because--”
“Jay...” Emily says his name softly, placing her hand on his arm and giving him a small smile.
JJ swallows and looks pensive for a long moment before he finally says, “Despite all of that, I haven’t ever really considered it because it’s something that a person should only think about when they’re in a committed relationship, which I haven’t ever really been in... and well, you really should have a steady lifestyle and the financial ability if you’re going to bring a child into the world.”
“What about Effy? You two are getting serious, aren’t you?”
“Yes, well.” JJ looks bashful then, a small flush colouring his cheeks. “She already has Bricker doesn’t she? And Naomi is there to provide additional support regardless of not being Bricker’s other biological parent.”
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries to ignore the headache that’s setting in. “But if things changed, if Naomi wasn’t there, if she was with-- somebody else, would you like that? To spend more time with Effy and Bricker?”
JJ looks confused as to where this conversation is going, picks up on the change in the pitch of Emily’s tone and says, “In that case, yes, I think I would like that, very much.” He follows Emily’s eye line and let’s himself watch the children with her for a few seconds before continuing, “What about you Emily, would you like children?”
Emily doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t know why she’s even asking, but it’s all been too much.
Too much with Rachel and too much of Naomi; her head feels overcome by how much she feels for both of them. And she hates that in some ways it’s still not enough; that there’s never enough of her to go around, to give everyone- Katie, Rachel, Naomi, her parents- a piece of herself.
She turns her gaze back over to JJ, her voice unexpectedly quiet when she finally says, “With the right person I would. I mean, a child has to come from a home of love, y’know? It can’t just happen because two people selfishly think they can do it; they have to actually become parents, make it work out of unconditional love and trust for one another as well as the baby they bring into the world. It’s a lot.”
JJ nods his head slowly at her answer and looks about as concerned as he ever does when he finally asks, “Do you think that you and Rachel will ever have children?”
Emily looks away from him then, doesn’t know how to answer, what the right answer even is, and she doesn’t understand how she’s gone from feeling like her life was planned out for her, to feeling so utterly lost again.
Bricker appears in front of them a second later, holding out a Lego brick for JJ and Emily feels thankful that he’s stopped her from having to answer. “Come play Jay, we can build a house.”
JJ smiles back at him. “That sounds like a good idea.” He touches Bricker’s shoulder and then points at Emily. “Aren’t you going to be polite and say hello to Emily?”
Bricker shuffles on his feet, his eyes looking over in her direction but not meeting her own for a few long seconds, but then he smiles when she does and says, “Hey Emlee, you come and play too?”
Emily smiles back at him and stands along with JJ when she replies, “I’d love too,” and lets Bricker take her hand and lead her over to the piles of Lego.
And then it doesn’t matter, none of it does, not for the next few minutes when all that’s important is what colour bricks they use for the house and Emily relishes in Bricker’s offer to unknowingly grant her an momentary escape.
-----
It’s bloody ridiculous how much seeing Naomi with another woman makes her feel like she’s suffocating; her lungs are burning so much that it physically hurts Emily to breathe.
She doesn’t know why she does it either, acts like a rude, snotty twat and come across as a complete dick to the girl Naomi has brought along with her, just knows that her vision blurs to red and she can’t shake it away even for a second.
She stops breathing all together when they finally get outside of the stifling restaurant, her efforts to use Rachel as a shield backfiring completely when Naomi pulls Melanie into her body and kisses her deeply and openly enough for Emily to see.
And then Naomi pulls back and catches her eye, throws a smirk at her that causes more damage than Emily can remembering suffering for a long time and wills herself not to give Naomi back the power to make her cry as she averts her gaze.
-----
She latches onto Rachel as soon as they get home and kisses her forcefully in a way that she knows will leave their lips bruised for days. Emily doesn’t worry what it means when Rachel just goes along with her, lets Emily fuck her wild and hard up against the wall of their hallway.
They invade her head, flashes of Naomi with Melanie, and it’s so agonizing that all Emily can think to do is sink her teeth into the skin of Rachel’s shoulder and hiss out in pain as Rachel’s comes, clawing her fingers down the flesh of Emily’s back; deep enough to draw blood and mark her.
Emily studies them in the mirror later that night - once Rachel’s fallen asleep, sweaty and exhausted and tangled up in their bed - sees the deep red marks etched into her skin and hopes that seeing them every time she undresses for the next few days will keep her grounded, keep her here, where she’s meant to be and not treading dangerously across that line that continues to blur and waver inside of her mind of what’s right and wrong.
-----
She does well for the most part, doesn’t let herself think about Naomi (doesn’t acknowledge that it takes effort not to) and focuses instead on the way her life with Rachel was before they ever moved to London; easier, less complicated, safe.
“Effy’s taking Bricker back home to see her mum this week,” JJ tells her over the phone one evening.
Emily knows she shouldn’t ask, but she does anyway. “I suppose Naomi’s going with them, then?”
She hears ruffling on the phone and JJ’s usual muttering about something entirely unrelated before he replies, “No, actually. Effy wanted to go and do this on her own. I believe her relationship with her mother is still as complicated as it was when we were adolescents.”
“Oh. So she’s home alone then?” Emily curses herself the moment the words leave her mouth, and feels her resolve crumbling as soon as JJ replies with a simple “Yes.”
She scrolls through her phone the moment she hangs up with JJ and lets her finger hover over the option to call Naomi, but she can’t quite do it. She doesn’t know what to say when the last time they saw each other they’d almost-- and then she’d avoided Naomi for days. There was no way that Naomi wouldn’t know what she’d been doing by trying to put some space between them, but they couldn’t keep doing this, couldn’t keep living with the obvious awkwardness that sometimes settled over them. They had to find a way to deal with it, and maybe forgetting about it, acting like none of it had happened, that they were just friends would work.
Emily decides on a text, thinks that it’s safer somehow, that she can delete the evidence from her outbox and pretend she never tried contacting Naomi if she doesn’t receive a reply.
-----
Naomi’s reply is equally as casual, friendly without a hint of why they haven’t spoken for days hidden behind her words and Emily finds herself at Naomi’s house armed with bottles of wine before she can ever think further about their problems.
It goes well for the most part, they drink, they talk, they laugh, and Emily is almost surprised that she’s let herself forget just how much she enjoys spending time with Naomi when everything is relaxed and uncomplicated.
But then Naomi mentions the MDMA brownies, and it’s like a snowball effect, the way Naomi has pushed that first domino down and all they can do is watch as the rest of them go down in turn. The air between them changes so quickly into something thick that makes it even harder for Emily in her hazy state to think rationally about the way things are progressing.
One minute Naomi’s fingers are on her neck and the next thing Emily becomes aware of is Naomi’s mouth pressing against her own. It acts like a jolt, sends her reeling backwards and away from Naomi as quickly as she can, realisation of what she’s let happen between them slapping Emily hard in the face.
And so she does the only thing she can think of, runs.
-----
Emily doesn’t head home, doesn’t know how she could possibly face Rachel after letting Naomi’s lips press against hers. It isn’t right and it most certainly isn’t fair and-- she hates herself for not being able to think of anything other than how good it had felt to have Naomi touch her, to kiss her again.
She drives around for almost an hour, sorting it all out in her head and telling herself what is right and what is wrong and before she knows it she’s back outside Naomi’s house, banging impatiently on the door and feeling like she could almost burst from the anger she can feel seeping out of her skin.
She starts off strong, manages to believe in herself and the words she’s saying but then Naomi looks at her in a way that’s totally open and so obviously pained that it breaks Emily in a second, leaves her ending her argument begging Naomi with a pathetic ‘please’ and somehow, even as the words fall from her mouth Emily isn’t sure if the please is really to ask Naomi to stop or whether she’s begging her not to.
It only gets worse when Naomi gets close enough to touch Emily’s face and says those three words that Emily yearned for Naomi to truly mean every single day that they were together. And it surprises Emily just how much it hurts to hear Naomi finally say it, to finally mean it, so much so that she can’t help but sob through the overwhelming relief she feels that she hasn’t always been alone in this all these years, that Naomi has been there too, has been struggling to contain it just as much as she has.
Love, it’s the last word Emily’s conscious of as she pulls Naomi closer and kisses her back.
-----
Emily doesn’t think then, she can’t if she’s to have this.
She takes as much as Naomi as she can and finds herself drowning when Naomi lets her, offers up more of herself than Emily can ever remember her doing before, and it’s beautiful then, watching Naomi so free and willing beneath her hands and mouth, and hearing Naomi moaning out her name as she comes before pulling Emily in for a kiss that’s so deep and so loving that Emily feels completely dizzy; intoxicated on Naomi alone.
And then Naomi touches her and it’s so strikingly different to all of the other times that Naomi’s touched her that Emily almost can’t breathe. Naomi’s so gentle, so tentative in exploring every inch of her body like she’s never seen it before that Emily can’t help but squeeze her eyes tightly shut, it feels too much, so much with the way Naomi’s eyes are burning into her skin; unravelling Emily more with every second longer that she doesn’t look away.
It’s when Naomi whispers her name and caresses her face, her own eyes flooded with tears and says so gently, so honesty, “It’s okay, I promise.” that Emily lets herself break under Naomi’s loving command.
-----
Naomi holds her when she cries, tries to soothe her with words of comfort, of promises that Emily can’t think about let alone comprehend when all she feels is a sense of helplessness; a need for answers that won’t change anything now but still answers she’s craved all these years.
Naomi keeps saying she’s sorry as if that alone can erase the time they’ve wasted and holds Emily closer, kisses her again as if to prove it, and Emily lets her, kisses back with wild intensity, wants Naomi to show her just how much she loves her again and again until it’s all Emily’s sure of in the world and nothing else matters.
-----
It’s waking up and hearing Rachel’s voice on the phone that immediately infects Emily with guilt so powerful that she can’t bear to look Naomi in the eye. She knows it was wrong to have been so selfish and let herself fall into the moment with Naomi but knows there’s also no way she could have stopped it. It’s how things were between them, always.
She just hopes she can put a stop to it now before she causes anymore damage and hurt to the two women she loves.
-----
Rachel smiles up at her from her place on the sofa when Emily walks into the house, puts down the file she’s reading and slips her glasses off of her nose and says, “You look like you had a rough night. Come sit down, darling, I’ll fetch you some tablets for that killer hangover I’m sure you have.”
Emily can only nod her head mutely in response and has to bite down hard on her tongue to stop the onslaught of tears she can feel building in her eyes, knows there’s nothing she can do or say to ever take back what she’s done.
“Here, take these,” Rachel says handing out a glass of water and the tablets and smiles fondly as Emily weakly swallows them down. “Aw sweetheart, you look awful.” She reaches out a hand and brushes the hair away from Emily’s face before continuing, “You guys really out did yourselves, huh?”
Emily swallows down the lump that forms in her head and squeezes her eyes shut when her vision fills with memories of Naomi, panting and whimpering beneath her. She feels Rachel sigh as she takes the glass from Emily’s hand and a moment later Rachel’s resumed her position on the couch and is pulling Emily in to sit between her legs; Emily’s back pressed to her chest as she wraps her arms tightly around Emily’s waist and presses a soft kiss to the top of her shoulder.
Emily lets out a shaky breath and tries not to tense in Rachel’s arms as she fails to shut out the images of Naomi, and tries not to think how she’s now tainted every caress and every kiss that Rachel will ever give her.
Lets the silence swallow her whole and hopes Rachel won’t say anything that will cause her to crack and reveal her wrongdoings.
-----
Emily closes her eyes, focuses on keeping her breathing steady and doesn’t move an inch when she feels Rachel carefully slip into bed next to her, knows her mission of faking to be asleep has passed with flying colours when she hears Rachel breathing evenly beside her a few moments later.
It’s only then, when she’s sure that she won’t have to face looking into Rachel’s caring green eyes that Emily shifts over enough to lie on her side and watch Rachel sleep; takes in the way her face is illuminated beautifully by the sliver of moonlight creeping in through the curtains and can no longer hold back her guilt-ridden tears.
She sobs quietly, muffling the sound into her pillow as she watches Rachel sleeping and reaches out gently to run her fingertips through Rachel’s silky brown hair, feels Rachel nuzzle into her touch and hates how unaware she’s made Rachel of just how fucked up everything is.
Emily lets out a choked breath when Rachel unconsciously snuggles in closer to her a second later, throwing an arm over Emily’s waist and can’t help feeling her heart clenching so painfully in her chest that it hurts to breathe.
It’s what I deserve, Emily thinks, and turns her face away from Rachel’s own, unable to look at the woman who she’s undeservedly betrayed in the worst way possible.
-----
“How’s Naomi?” Rachel asks as she takes another bite of her dessert.
It’s said in such a conversational and easy way that Emily balks immediately, has to painfully swallow down her own mouthful before looking up at Rachel with wide eyes.
“She’s fine, I think.” She ducks her head down to look at her plate, prodding at her slice of pie with her spoon before cautiously adding, “Why are you asking?”
Rachel shoots her a fond smile. “Because she’s your friend, and I like her, and I’d like to get to know her and Effy better. Is that not okay?”
Emily nods her head mutely, can’t think of any other way to reply when talking will only make her want to say ‘no’ and she knows that saying no will only bring up more questions that she can’t answer honestly.
She settles for a forced smile instead and spoons another piece of the pie into her mouth and says, “The apple crumble is amazing, I’m lucky you’re such a good chef,” and thanks God that Rachel takes the bait of praise so easily and drops talking about Naomi all together.
-----
It feels a lot like sabotage. As if the world is setting her up to pay for her mistakes in the worst possible form of torture; her current girlfriend and her ex staring up at her from their seats in her garden, both looking at her in a way that undoes her completely.
Rachel seems completely oblivious to the awkwardness of the moment she’s created just by throwing this simple housewarming get together, and Emily’s never been more thankful that Rachel keeps up with her perfect social butterfly skills as she slips back into conversation with Effy, failing to notice the way Emily can’t bring herself to look in Naomi’s direction at all.
And it’s hard not to look, because she knows she wants to, has missed Naomi to the stage of aching while they’ve been apart these last few days and yet Emily’s aware of how wrong even that notion is. She shouldn’t miss her, because missing her leads to wanting her and Emily can’t want her because it isn’t right, she can’t and letting herself look at Naomi will ruin her restraint in a spilt second.
But Naomi doesn’t play fair, and Emily drops the bottle of wine she reaches for, jerks as Naomi’s warm hand skims across her thigh, cursing loudly as she jumps back, the wine slipping from her unsteady fingers and watches the bottle shatters before her eyes.
Just like my life, Emily thinks momentarily before Rachel’s voice fills her ears and instructs her back to the house to clean up.
-----
“Do you love her?”
Emily hears each word fall from Naomi’s mouth like a gun-shot and has to squeeze her eyes tightly shut to save herself from seeing Naomi’s face breaking in the same way that her voice has, knows it’ll kill her completely to have to look back into those deep blue eyes and attempt an answer that isn’t the truth but also isn’t a lie.
She lets out a shaky breath and forces her eyes back open to find Naomi’s, wants her to see it all, all of the honesty and all of the reasons why, hopes that just by being able to look at her that maybe Naomi will finally understand everything that Emily can’t seem to actually say.
Emily finally responds after a long moment with, “Yes, I love her.”
Naomi’s response comes like a reflex, the breath escaping her mouth is choked and painful and she tears her eyes away before Emily can see any of the damage she’s just caused. It’s not shocking at all then, when Emily finds her own breath catching, feels her chest constricting agonizingly, her eyes burning with tears just waiting to fall free.
And then Naomi looks back at her, the spark in her eyes extinguished by obvious defeat and tears spilling down her cheeks when she offers up a pathetic and sorrowful attempt at a smile and says, “I just needed to hear you say it.” before turning on her heel and retreating away from her; each step she takes sounding dreadfully final.
It’s that thought alone that unravels Emily completely, makes her heart burst with all of the feelings that she’d packed away and tried to keep hidden and removed from her life for the last seven years, until she can do nothing but quell the unbearable aching of utter emptiness in her chest by stopping Naomi leaving; calling out for her desperately.
And she says it then, admits it openly as she whispers through a trembling voice, “I love her. But not like I love you.”
When Naomi reaches for her then, pulls their bodies together tightly into a needy embrace, Emily can do nothing but shudder. It feels so right, being back in Naomi’s arm, it’s the only place she’s ever felt safe and yet for all that it makes her feel, it’s still not enough, it never was, not when Naomi was always so close and yet so far away, and it wakes Emily up, reminds her of the reality that for all of their closeness, for all of their stolen moments and hushed confessions, they’re still worlds apart.
It hurts just as much as it did the first time, to have to admit that love isn’t always all it was meant to be, that loving someone can’t overcome every obstacle between them, to be the one to have to call it off and to have to pull away from Naomi and break both of their hearts with a truthful, “It’s not enough Naomi.”
But even after she says it, even after she walks away and back to Rachel, Emily can’t help herself from wishing that it was.
-----
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part Two)