Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis [Skins; Naomi/Emily] - Part Two
Where I Stood - Chapter Five: Nemesis (Part One)
-----
The week after JJ passes on Emily’s message is the hardest.
She sees Emily the moment she gets into the school and can’t help the twinge of pain that strikes through her chest when Emily averts her gaze and walks past her like she doesn’t exist.
Naomi finds it doesn’t get any easy when she tries to avoid Emily in return. Somehow manages to bump into her at every opportunity and feels her heart breaking a little more each time when Emily doesn’t make any effort to talk to her at all, always looks straight through her whenever their eyes accidentally meet and leaves the room as quickly as possible.
The silence hurts worse than anything Emily could have ever said to her and it leaves Naomi thinking that it’s definitely the definitive ending to whatever it is that they had shared since their lives collided again.
-----
It’s sometime during the second week of silence, when Naomi sneaks out to grab her cigarette’s from her car, that she sees Rachel dropping Emily back off after lunch.
It feels like she’s invading their privacy, and yet she can’t tear her eyes away from them. Watches their exchange silently, unable to hear whatever it is that they’re talking about but getting the perfect view to watch as Rachel pulls Emily in close and kisses her deeply.
Her stomach twists painfully even as she feels her heart clenching at the sight, and only feels worse when Emily pulls away and accidentally catches her eye over Rachel’s shoulder. It freezes her momentarily, leaves her open and vulnerable underneath Naomi’s gaze for the first time in days, and she’s suddenly overwhelmed by the deep sadness she sees etched in Emily’s eyes.
It makes her want to reach out and touch, to pull Emily into her arms and whisper that none of this matters, that nobody matters but them and how much they love each other. But then Emily’s eyes narrow in her direction, it’s a warning, a plea, for her to back off.
It makes Naomi recoil instantly, averting her eyes from Emily’s and quickly pull a cigarette from her packet, lighting up at speed and inhaling the smoke deeply. When she chances another glance in their direction she feels almost relieved that they’ve both disappeared.
Hates how seeing them together only reminds her of how wrong she was to let Emily go in the first place.
-----
The third week is the worst.
Her mum calls to confirm the latest news of her wedding plans, explains excitedly to Naomi how beautiful her dress is (Naomi’s, too - which only makes Naomi scoff with mild disgust) and how everyone has replied to her invitations.
She ignores the lump that rises in her throat when her mum tells her Emily and Rachel are attending, pretends she already knows even though it surprises her that they are and doesn’t respond to her mum’s all too knowing, “Are you sure you’re all right, sweetheart?” just hangs up without another word.
Thinks that it’s gotten almost ridiculous now, the amount of time she spends crying, something simple always setting her thoughts on to Emily and leaving her unable to stop the tears from coming. Naomi finds herself embarrassed that the only person who has the ability to make her forget all of the mess and heartache for a few brief seconds is Bricker.
She doesn’t resist it, always takes comfort in having him close by, especially when he’ll wordlessly climb onto her lap and cuddle against her chest; his small hand resting over her heart as he looks up at her with big blue eyes. It makes Naomi wonder, when she covers his hand with her own and watches as he places his ear against her chest, if he might be the only one who cares enough to check if it’s still beating.
Naomi is never more grateful then when he lets her kiss the top of his head and hold him that little bit closer; closes her eyes and remembers loving someone else is worth all of the heartache.
-----
The fourth week feels like total defeat.
The air leaves her lungs the moments she opens the staff room door to see that familiar flash of red hair. Emily glances up from her work to see who it is and her face washes over with exhaustion the moment her eyes meet Naomi's.
It only lasts a split second before Emily looks away from her again, and Naomi still hasn’t gotten used to how much it hurts, that Emily can barely look at her now. Finds herself whispering a choked, “I miss you” without even thinking.
It catches Emily off guard, makes Emily’s look back up at her regretfully with a quiet, “Naomi...”
Naomi lets out a shallow breath and nods her head meekly, “I know I’m not supposed to say it, okay? But I just do. I miss you so much.” Emily shakes her head, and averts Naomi’s gaze, and it’s enough for Naomi to know there’s nothing either of them can say to make things better. She mutters a gentle, “Sorry” before heading back out the door and away from Emily’s sad eyes that look an awful lot like they’re supporting her conclusion.
-----
They catch the train down to Bristol the Thursday before her mum’s wedding.
Effy looks almost uncomfortable as she fidgets in her seat for the tenth time in under an hour, and it’s enough for Naomi to stop colouring in with Bricker and look over at her with a gentle smile. “You all right, Eff?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Are you?”
“Not really. But I asked you. You’re fidgety as fu--” she stops herself and glances down at Bricker who’s looking back at her with interest, before continuing, “Fudge. So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”
Effy purses her lips together briefly and stares out of the window for a long moment before saying, “I like JJ.”
Naomi laughs and rolls her eyes, covering Bricker’s ears as she replies, “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Do you care?” Effy asks, piercing Naomi with an anxious stare.
Naomi offers back a smile and reaches across the table to cover Effy’s hand. “Does he make you happy?”
“You didn’t answer my question, Nae.” Naomi’s smile widens, and she raises an eyebrow at Effy that says ‘don’t change the subject’ until Effy rolls her eyes in defeat and complies. “Yeah, I think he is.”
“Then I’m happy that you’re happy, okay? And Jay’s a great guy. He’s nice. He’ll be good for you, Eff.”
Effy looks a hesitant when she adds, “I think he wants us to start dating seriously. He asked me to go as his date for your mum’s wedding.”
“That’s great.” Naomi sees the blank expression on Effy’s face and cautiously adds, “Isn’t it?”
“Yes. No... I’m just--” Effy lets out a deep sigh, her eyes wide and honest when she looks at Naomi and says, “I’m scared, Naomi. I mean look what happened with Mike.” Naomi watches her brow knit together, her tone coming out frustrated when she adds, “Look at you and Emily for that matter. It’s all just such a fudging mess.”
Naomi smirks in amusement that they’re managing to keep themselves from swearing so well, but then lets out a deep sigh when she sees the serious look on Effy’s face. “Can I give you one piece of advice?”
“Sure.” Effy mutters as she passes Bricker the red crayon.
“Don’t spend all your time worrying or being too scared to live life properly. Just enjoy the now. Be happy, be loved and let yourself love back. Don’t end up with the same regrets I have because, believe me, they can’t be fixed.”
Effy looks pensive for a moment before offering up a gentle smile. “She does love you, Nae.”
Naomi chuckles sadly. “Yeah, I know. Shame it doesn’t change anything.”
Effy’s quiet for a few seconds and Naomi can tell by the way she’s biting at her bottom lip that she wants to say more. Doesn’t push it though, knows Effy will say what she wants when she’s ready.
It comes as quite a surprise when Effy looks directly at her, sincerity covering her face when she says, “I love you, you know.” Naomi sees the discomfort that settles in Effy’s shoulders, as if daring to say those words to anyone causes her pain. She chooses to lighten the moment, waggles her eyebrows teasingly until Effy rolls her eyes. “Not like that you cunt, just... I want you to be happy, too.”
It’s one of the more sentimental things Effy’s ever said to her and she finds that any desire to turn the matter playful disappears in an instant. Smiles back when she says, “Eff, I love you, too. So don’t ever feel guilty about wanting to date Jay just because me and Emily are still as complicated as we were at eighteen, okay?” Effy nods her head once, smiles back and reaches for one of the crayons.
They don’t talk much for the rest of the journey; just spend their time helping Bricker colour in a car in his colouring book, and take the easy comfortable silence that’s settled over them for what it is.
-----
“So, what do you think?”
Naomi looks up from where she’s sitting on the end of the bed to see her mum dressed in a beautifully flowing, white dress, and smirks when she replies, “Not bad, you scrub up well for an old hippy.”
Gina twats her round the head playfully. “You’re still a little shit.”
Naomi laughs and softens her smirk into a smile, looking her mother over properly. “You look beautiful, mum.” Gina smiles back at her looking pleased. “That disgustingly happy smile you’ve got glued to your face is beginning to make me uncomfortable, though.”
Gina looks at herself in the mirror, lifting a veil up to her head before pulling a face and removing it, looking at Naomi in the mirror when she says, “Don’t be so jealous, darling. This will be you one day. In some stunning dress looking revoltingly in love and I’ll be the one telling you that smiling so much isn’t good for your face.”
Naomi lets out an amused sigh. “It’s a nice thought, but very doubtful, mum. So don’t go holding onto that fantasy too hard.”
Gina turns to look at her properly, her smile dwindling down to nothing as she studies her daughter. After a few long minutes says, “Why doubtful? You’d be lovely at a wedding.”
It’s a mixture of the honesty in her mother’s voice and the concerned look that clouds her face that forces Naomi to look away. She swallows against the lump in her throat and tries not to let her eyes tear up, doesn’t know how to tell her mum that there’s not much point in her ever getting married when it looks like the love of her life will end up as somebody else’s wife instead.
She hears her mum repeat the question, and forces herself to answer, doesn’t want to be the one to take away a moment of her mum’s happiness. Settles for doing what she does best and rattling off a cunty, “You know me, mum, I don’t really believe in paying out all that money for a piece of paper. Seems like another scheme the government cooked up just to take money from us.”
Gina looks back at her with sad eyes. “Despite that, don’t you think it’s all rather lovely, being able to stand up in front of people you know and look into the eyes of the person love and declare it for the world to hear?”
Naomi bites down hard on the inside of her cheek, tries to ignore the images that are flashing up in her mind of Emily in a gorgeous wedding gown and bursting with happiness as she tells her she loves her. She coughs to clear the tightness of her throat and says, “But, you have to be sure, don’t you? I mean, really sure because people forget that a wedding is just one day, it’s the marriage that’s supposed to last a lifetime.”
Gina lets out a sigh but doesn’t say another word, settles for pressing a knowing kiss to Naomi’s forehead before leaving to change back out of her dress.
-----
The day of the wedding comes round in a flash.
-----
Naomi adjusts her dress one final time and looks at her reflection, rolls her eyes when she sees the lemon coloured dress her mum has chosen for her bridesmaids and immediately wishes she could sit this one out.
“Wow, look at you all... yellow.”
She sees Effy’s smirk in the mirror and turns around to face her with a scowl. “I look fucking hideous. I mean, what kind of person willingly chooses yellow, Eff?”
Effy breaks out into a wicked smile, her eyes twinkling with laughter. “Your batty mum apparently.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no way I’m keeping this on. Once they’re pronounced married I’m changing out of this monstrosity.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Effy purses her lips together for a second before warily adding, “Emily and Rachel are here.”
Naomi forces a smile. “Well, they were invited. Nothing I can do to avoid her today.”
Effy nods her head. “I just wanted to warn you.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” Effy smiles. “I’ll see you out there, okay?”
Naomi watches her leave and turns to look back at herself one last time, reminds herself that today is about her mum and Kieran and not about the disaster that is her and Emily.
She forces a fake smile onto her face as she heads off to help her mum with the final preparations.
-----
Emily looks stunning. It’s the first thing Naomi thinks when she spots her sitting in the church next to Rachel wearing a beautiful black dress that hugs her body perfectly. She catches Emily’s eye briefly and hopes that the small half smile she offers will ease the tension between them if only for today.
Kieran looks as close to nervous as Naomi’s ever seen him while he stands, dressed handsomely in his suit, waiting for Gina to walk down the aisle. When the music starts and her mum finally appears, Naomi watches the smile that takes over Kieran’s face, sees how her mum looks like she’s glowing with happiness, and feels a wave of contentment rush over her that throughout all the years her mum struggled with love, she finally found the right person.
She feels Emily’s eyes on her the moment Kieran starts with his vows, tries her hardest to keep herself from meeting her gaze but fails miserably. It’s a mixture of her mum and Kieran’s heartfelt words and Emily refusing to look away from her that forces her chest to tighten, and her heart to pound achingly fast. It’s only when they exchange ‘I love you’s’ that Naomi has to tear her eyes away from Emily’s, doesn’t bother fighting against the tears flowing freely from her eyes.
Hurts her even more when she catches Emily wiping at her own.
-----
It feels like a relief when they head back to her old house for the after party. All of the overwhelming feelings that had taken over her at the church slowly retreating again and leaving Naomi feeling like she can finally breathe once more.
She spends the majority of the night looking after Bricker, happy to give Effy the chance to enjoy the night with JJ, and watching as Emily dances with Rachel; trying not to let her jealousy show whenever she accidentally locks eyes with either of them.
“Would you like to dance, Naomi?” JJ asks with a smile.
Naomi glances at Effy who’s only response is to whip Bricker off her lap with a, “Go on. You need to dance at least once tonight. It is your mum’s wedding.”
She lets out a sigh but takes JJ’s hand and lets him lead her out onto the makeshift dance floor they’ve created in the living room. She feels JJ’s hand settle hesitantly on her waist but flashes him a smile that seems to put him at ease as they dance along to the music.
“Looks like we’re being watched,” JJ whispers into her ear, and it’s enough to make Naomi subtly glance around the other people gently swaying together.
She sees Emily dancing with Rachel and instantly finds brown eyes peering over at her. It makes Naomi extremely grateful that Rachel is facing the other way as she lets her eyes hold Emily’s over JJ’s shoulder.
When the song ends, Naomi watches as Emily’s attention flicks back to Rachel without warning, sees Rachel whisper something into Emily’s ear before heading out into the garden, leaving Emily unattended for the first time since they arrived.
JJ presses a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you for the dance. You look lovely.”
Naomi rolls her eyes playfully. “Thank you for asking. But I think we both know I look like a walking lemon and the woman you really want to be dancing with is sitting over there with her son.”
“Yes, well, she is rather beautiful and lovely herself,” JJ says, as he peers over at Effy.
“Go,” Naomi says, shoving gently at his arm and feeling a burst of happiness as JJ smiles back at her before heading over to Effy and Bricker.
The first few notes of the next song hit her hard and she finds her eyes being drawn over to Emily without a second thought. Sees the realisation in Emily’s eyes and takes comfort that she’s not the only one that remembers ‘their’ song.
Naomi can’t help but smile at the memory, remembers how Emily had been adamant that just because they didn’t get to actually go to the ball didn’t mean they couldn’t share their very first dance. Thinks back to how she’d been reluctant to begin with but easily gave in when Emily’s arms curled around her body and pulled her close, a beautiful smile emerging on her face as they swayed together to the music up in her room.
“You two need to be fucking dancing! It’s my wedding night. Everyone should be dancing like a loon.” Kieran drunkenly slurs as he shoves at Naomi’s arm and beckons Emily over.
Emily moves over to her and meets her halfway; her eyes locked tightly onto Naomi’s as she stops before her and reaches out for her hands with a soft smile. Naomi doesn’t think about what she’s doing, or about the people around her, just lets herself drown in the dark warmth of Emily’s eyes as she takes Emily’s hand in her own; holding her in place with her other hand at the base of her back.
She hears Emily sigh against her ear as the sway to the music, Emily’s arm sliding up from her shoulder and to the base of her neck, her fingers gently playing with the fine hairs she finds there. Naomi feels high at the feeling of Emily’s body this close to her own after what feels like a lifetime apart, is mesmerised by how they just seem to fit together and shifts until their foreheads come to rest together, their eyes finding each other momentarily before they slip shut again; the world falling away around them. Naomi’s not sure how long they stay like that, revelling in holding each other close, just knows that it feels like times moving incredibly slowly with nobody but them mattering at all.
It’s only when the music trails off around them that they both come aware that the song has ended. Naomi feels Emily’s shallow breath puffing out against her lips and resists the urge to close the gap and kiss her tenderly. Opens her eyes to find Emily staring back at her so openly that it makes her breath catch, can only close her eyes again when Emily trails her fingertips down her cheek, the pad of her thumb brushing across Naomi’s bottom lip before she steps back from Naomi’s arms.
Neither of them says a word as the moment washes away from them and brings them back to the present. The look in Emily’s eyes shifts to a mixture of disbelief and sadness and Naomi knows the look must be mirrored on her own face when Emily offers a small sad smile before slipping away from her completely leaving Naomi standing alone in the middle of the dance floor unsure of what just happened between them.
-----
Her mum turns out to be the person to find her.
Comes into Naomi’s old bedroom - the dedicated coat room - to find her daughter sitting on the floor leaning back against her bed, and waits for Naomi to look up at her before carefully saying, “Emily introduced me to Rachel earlier... she seems nice.”
Naomi sniffles and doesn’t bother trying to hide that she has to wipe at her eyes, smiles sadly at her mum when she honestly replies, “She’s lovely.”
Gina walks further into the room, settles down on the floor next to Naomi. “Emily didn’t look as happy as I thought she would.”
There’s something knowing in her mum’s voice that makes Naomi snap. “Mum, just fucking leave it alone. It’s none of your business who Emily chooses to be with.”
She feels her mum’s eyes burning into the side of her face and reluctantly turns to meet her eye, and instantly sees the questioning expression on her face when she asks, “Are you sure about that?”
It’s the perceptive look in her mum’s eyes that tell Naomi she already knows the answer to what she’s asking, finds herself crying a little more just because, and lets her mum wrap her arm around her shoulder and pull her close when she whispers a pained, “Oh, Naomi...”
Doesn’t bother to hold back her tears any longer.
-----
She doesn’t sleep.
Can’t.
-----
They catch the train back to London the next morning- her, Effy, Bricker and JJ, and she has to force herself to stop looking around for signs of Emily. Knows it’s stupid to hope she would come for her when she’s with Rachel.
It doesn’t stop her from hoping though.
-----
There’s an odd sense of relief that washes through her, when Naomi finally steps back in to her house, as if everything outside of its four walls is nothing but a dangerous and dark jungle where the world is just waiting to attack her.
She leaves Effy alone with JJ with a quiet nod of her head and gladly takes Bricker up to her room, putting the children’s channel on her TV for him to watch while she curls up on her bed and closes her eyes, takes comfort in knowing he’s there with her, and that she isn’t really alone.
When she wakes it’s almost dark outside, the stars and moon gently glimmering as they appear on the sky’s blank canvas. The first thing she notices when her eyes adjust properly, is that the TV’s been switched off and there’s no sight of Bricker at all; the house still and quiet. The second thing she notices is that her arm is carefully draped around a pillow, her hand resting just below the small piece of smiley faced paper. Naomi smiles to herself at the sight of the red squiggle and Bricker’s barely formed handwriting, and tries not to laugh when she reads Effy’s input of ‘Translation: JJ’s taking us out for some food. Didn’t want to wake you. Will bring you something back. Eff xx’.
She’s barely had time to brush her teeth and splash water on her face when she hears the doorbell ringing. Naomi dabs her face with the towel and wonders who could possibly be calling round to see them as she hurries down the stairs and towards the door calling a hasty “Just a minute”.
Her chest clenches and the air rushes out of her lungs as soon as she opens the door, finds her mouth opening and closing in confusion but no words forming on her tongue. It’s only when Rachel narrows her eyes at her and says, “Can I come in?” that Naomi remembers to talk, and has to swallow hard as she pulls the door open wider with a, “Yeah, of course.” Rachel doesn’t wait for a further invite, pushes her way past Naomi and heads straight down the hall and into the kitchen.
It takes Naomi a few seconds to pull herself together, finds she has to force her feet to move after Rachel and still can’t comprehend why a woman who’s dating her ex-girlfriend, a woman she barely knows, is suddenly standing in her kitchen with a slightly wild look in her eyes.
“Can I get you a drink?” Naomi asks, the words tripping awkwardly out of her mouth as she lingers in the doorway, unsure of why she’s feeling like she’s not allowed in her own kitchen.
Rachel shakes her head sharply in response. “No, but thanks.”
Naomi swallows hard and nods her head, “Okay, sure, that’s fine.”
She feels Rachel’s eyes trail up and down over her body and is overwhelmed by the urge to sink into herself, to fold her arms across her chest and try to protect herself from being exposed. Only it’s ridiculous, because she’s not naked in the slightest, and yet she can’t help feeling like every inch of her is being studied as Rachel’s icy gaze cuts into her skin.
“I didn’t come here for a drink,” Rachel adds after a few achingly long seconds.
Her words leave Naomi’s heart pounding, a rush of bile creeping into her throat, and her head swooning with dizziness. She has to lean her weight against the doorframe when she seems the way Rachel purses her lips together.
Naomi knows it’s dangerous to ask, but she can’t stop the question spilling from her mouth. “Why are you here?”
She sees it then, the way Rachel’s eyes cloud over, and it makes Naomi’s skin crawl, makes her want to turn around and run as fast away as she possibly can. She knows, Naomi thinks wearily, and wonders just how much Emily’s told her.
“I think you know why, don’t you?” Rachel responds, her voice low and steady.
Naomi closes her eyes briefly, tries to think of something to say, anything that will make what she and Emily have been doing seem understandable, but she can’t think of any. Doesn’t think that claiming Emily’s the love of her life will do her any favours and settles instead for nodding her head just once.
It goes silent then, stiflingly so, as Rachel lets out a shaky breath and looks away from her momentarily. It leaves Naomi feeling guilty, watching the pain she’s caused someone else just by being in love and she braces herself for the onslaught of anger she’s sure will follow, looks away from Rachel just so she doesn’t have to watch her break any further.
But when it stays silent, when the burst of anger, the booming words, the throwing of objects and the stinging slap she’s expecting doesn’t come, Naomi glances back at her, finds Rachel looking at her with sad eyes.
An apology is on the tip of her tongue when Rachel finally says, “You should know that I’m leaving London for good.” She offers Naomi a pitiful half-smile and Naomi finds herself surprised when it isn’t laced with hate. “I managed to get my job back in Sheffield, so I’m leaving first thing tomorrow.”
And suddenly it doesn’t make sense. Naomi can’t comprehend why Rachel’s so calm, feels herself releasing a heavy breath and muttering a confused, “Wait a minute... what? Why?”
“I’ve ended things with Emily,” Rachel states calmly, her eyes glimmering with sorrow. “It was time to let her go, you know?”
It fills Naomi with dread, her heart slowing to a stop as she tries her hardest not to crack under Rachel’s gaze, doesn’t understand why she seems so defeated, why she isn’t trying to put up a fight for Emily, to warn Naomi away. Finds her voice breaking slightly when she says, “But why would you--”
Rachel shakes her head slowly, cutting off Naomi’s reply and offering a small smile when she explains simply, “I’m giving her back to you.”
Naomi feels the tears bursting from her eyes; it doesn’t make sense why she’s being so kind when Naomi stabbed her in the back, and can’t help but feel desperately guilty. “Rachel... I don’t--”
“It’s the right thing to do, Naomi.” Rachel looks away from her briefly before continuing, “I told Emily this morning and now I’m here to tell you. Don’t be stupid and waste any more time than you already have.” Rachel looks so crushed then that it hits Naomi that she doesn’t know the whole truth, that whatever Emily has decided to admit to her, she’s kept their betrayal out of it. “You two have no idea how lucky you are to have met the love of your life at age sixteen, so...” She lets out a shaky breath, adding, “I’m letting her go and giving her back to you.”
It leaves Naomi feeling like shit, doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say to a woman who’s so unaware and so willing to give them a second chance, that all Naomi can manage to do is look away from her, doesn’t want Rachel to see the deception in her eyes.
Naomi shakes her head, pushes past the lump in her throat and murmurs the only thing she can think to say, the one thing she truly means, “I am so sorry.”
Rachel shakes her head dismissively. “Just promise me you won’t make the same mistake of letting her go again.” Naomi wipes the tears from her eyes and sniffles as she weakly manages to nod her head. “Good,” Rachel adds with a sincere smile. “Because if you get this wrong this time, and mess her up again Naomi, I will come back here and seriously kick your arse.”
Naomi forces a choked laugh, and tries not to think about how unfair and cruel the world can be when she selfishly accepts Rachel’s offer of a second chance with a, “I won’t. I promise.”
Rachel nods her head. “I left her in Bristol. I suspect she’s gone to Katie’s” before nodding her head one last final time and saying. “Take care of her for me, Naomi” and heading past Naomi and out of a door without a second’s hesitation.
-----
Naomi doesn’t bother packing a bag, doesn’t want to waste another second, just grabs the nearest notepad and scrawls a quick message to Effy before heading back to the train station with determination set in her mind.
It’s now or never, Naomi thinks, as the train pulls away from London and heads towards Bristol-- towards Emily.
-----
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part One)
-----
The week after JJ passes on Emily’s message is the hardest.
She sees Emily the moment she gets into the school and can’t help the twinge of pain that strikes through her chest when Emily averts her gaze and walks past her like she doesn’t exist.
Naomi finds it doesn’t get any easy when she tries to avoid Emily in return. Somehow manages to bump into her at every opportunity and feels her heart breaking a little more each time when Emily doesn’t make any effort to talk to her at all, always looks straight through her whenever their eyes accidentally meet and leaves the room as quickly as possible.
The silence hurts worse than anything Emily could have ever said to her and it leaves Naomi thinking that it’s definitely the definitive ending to whatever it is that they had shared since their lives collided again.
-----
It’s sometime during the second week of silence, when Naomi sneaks out to grab her cigarette’s from her car, that she sees Rachel dropping Emily back off after lunch.
It feels like she’s invading their privacy, and yet she can’t tear her eyes away from them. Watches their exchange silently, unable to hear whatever it is that they’re talking about but getting the perfect view to watch as Rachel pulls Emily in close and kisses her deeply.
Her stomach twists painfully even as she feels her heart clenching at the sight, and only feels worse when Emily pulls away and accidentally catches her eye over Rachel’s shoulder. It freezes her momentarily, leaves her open and vulnerable underneath Naomi’s gaze for the first time in days, and she’s suddenly overwhelmed by the deep sadness she sees etched in Emily’s eyes.
It makes her want to reach out and touch, to pull Emily into her arms and whisper that none of this matters, that nobody matters but them and how much they love each other. But then Emily’s eyes narrow in her direction, it’s a warning, a plea, for her to back off.
It makes Naomi recoil instantly, averting her eyes from Emily’s and quickly pull a cigarette from her packet, lighting up at speed and inhaling the smoke deeply. When she chances another glance in their direction she feels almost relieved that they’ve both disappeared.
Hates how seeing them together only reminds her of how wrong she was to let Emily go in the first place.
-----
The third week is the worst.
Her mum calls to confirm the latest news of her wedding plans, explains excitedly to Naomi how beautiful her dress is (Naomi’s, too - which only makes Naomi scoff with mild disgust) and how everyone has replied to her invitations.
She ignores the lump that rises in her throat when her mum tells her Emily and Rachel are attending, pretends she already knows even though it surprises her that they are and doesn’t respond to her mum’s all too knowing, “Are you sure you’re all right, sweetheart?” just hangs up without another word.
Thinks that it’s gotten almost ridiculous now, the amount of time she spends crying, something simple always setting her thoughts on to Emily and leaving her unable to stop the tears from coming. Naomi finds herself embarrassed that the only person who has the ability to make her forget all of the mess and heartache for a few brief seconds is Bricker.
She doesn’t resist it, always takes comfort in having him close by, especially when he’ll wordlessly climb onto her lap and cuddle against her chest; his small hand resting over her heart as he looks up at her with big blue eyes. It makes Naomi wonder, when she covers his hand with her own and watches as he places his ear against her chest, if he might be the only one who cares enough to check if it’s still beating.
Naomi is never more grateful then when he lets her kiss the top of his head and hold him that little bit closer; closes her eyes and remembers loving someone else is worth all of the heartache.
-----
The fourth week feels like total defeat.
The air leaves her lungs the moments she opens the staff room door to see that familiar flash of red hair. Emily glances up from her work to see who it is and her face washes over with exhaustion the moment her eyes meet Naomi's.
It only lasts a split second before Emily looks away from her again, and Naomi still hasn’t gotten used to how much it hurts, that Emily can barely look at her now. Finds herself whispering a choked, “I miss you” without even thinking.
It catches Emily off guard, makes Emily’s look back up at her regretfully with a quiet, “Naomi...”
Naomi lets out a shallow breath and nods her head meekly, “I know I’m not supposed to say it, okay? But I just do. I miss you so much.” Emily shakes her head, and averts Naomi’s gaze, and it’s enough for Naomi to know there’s nothing either of them can say to make things better. She mutters a gentle, “Sorry” before heading back out the door and away from Emily’s sad eyes that look an awful lot like they’re supporting her conclusion.
-----
They catch the train down to Bristol the Thursday before her mum’s wedding.
Effy looks almost uncomfortable as she fidgets in her seat for the tenth time in under an hour, and it’s enough for Naomi to stop colouring in with Bricker and look over at her with a gentle smile. “You all right, Eff?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Are you?”
“Not really. But I asked you. You’re fidgety as fu--” she stops herself and glances down at Bricker who’s looking back at her with interest, before continuing, “Fudge. So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”
Effy purses her lips together briefly and stares out of the window for a long moment before saying, “I like JJ.”
Naomi laughs and rolls her eyes, covering Bricker’s ears as she replies, “No shit, Sherlock.”
“Do you care?” Effy asks, piercing Naomi with an anxious stare.
Naomi offers back a smile and reaches across the table to cover Effy’s hand. “Does he make you happy?”
“You didn’t answer my question, Nae.” Naomi’s smile widens, and she raises an eyebrow at Effy that says ‘don’t change the subject’ until Effy rolls her eyes in defeat and complies. “Yeah, I think he is.”
“Then I’m happy that you’re happy, okay? And Jay’s a great guy. He’s nice. He’ll be good for you, Eff.”
Effy looks a hesitant when she adds, “I think he wants us to start dating seriously. He asked me to go as his date for your mum’s wedding.”
“That’s great.” Naomi sees the blank expression on Effy’s face and cautiously adds, “Isn’t it?”
“Yes. No... I’m just--” Effy lets out a deep sigh, her eyes wide and honest when she looks at Naomi and says, “I’m scared, Naomi. I mean look what happened with Mike.” Naomi watches her brow knit together, her tone coming out frustrated when she adds, “Look at you and Emily for that matter. It’s all just such a fudging mess.”
Naomi smirks in amusement that they’re managing to keep themselves from swearing so well, but then lets out a deep sigh when she sees the serious look on Effy’s face. “Can I give you one piece of advice?”
“Sure.” Effy mutters as she passes Bricker the red crayon.
“Don’t spend all your time worrying or being too scared to live life properly. Just enjoy the now. Be happy, be loved and let yourself love back. Don’t end up with the same regrets I have because, believe me, they can’t be fixed.”
Effy looks pensive for a moment before offering up a gentle smile. “She does love you, Nae.”
Naomi chuckles sadly. “Yeah, I know. Shame it doesn’t change anything.”
Effy’s quiet for a few seconds and Naomi can tell by the way she’s biting at her bottom lip that she wants to say more. Doesn’t push it though, knows Effy will say what she wants when she’s ready.
It comes as quite a surprise when Effy looks directly at her, sincerity covering her face when she says, “I love you, you know.” Naomi sees the discomfort that settles in Effy’s shoulders, as if daring to say those words to anyone causes her pain. She chooses to lighten the moment, waggles her eyebrows teasingly until Effy rolls her eyes. “Not like that you cunt, just... I want you to be happy, too.”
It’s one of the more sentimental things Effy’s ever said to her and she finds that any desire to turn the matter playful disappears in an instant. Smiles back when she says, “Eff, I love you, too. So don’t ever feel guilty about wanting to date Jay just because me and Emily are still as complicated as we were at eighteen, okay?” Effy nods her head once, smiles back and reaches for one of the crayons.
They don’t talk much for the rest of the journey; just spend their time helping Bricker colour in a car in his colouring book, and take the easy comfortable silence that’s settled over them for what it is.
-----
“So, what do you think?”
Naomi looks up from where she’s sitting on the end of the bed to see her mum dressed in a beautifully flowing, white dress, and smirks when she replies, “Not bad, you scrub up well for an old hippy.”
Gina twats her round the head playfully. “You’re still a little shit.”
Naomi laughs and softens her smirk into a smile, looking her mother over properly. “You look beautiful, mum.” Gina smiles back at her looking pleased. “That disgustingly happy smile you’ve got glued to your face is beginning to make me uncomfortable, though.”
Gina looks at herself in the mirror, lifting a veil up to her head before pulling a face and removing it, looking at Naomi in the mirror when she says, “Don’t be so jealous, darling. This will be you one day. In some stunning dress looking revoltingly in love and I’ll be the one telling you that smiling so much isn’t good for your face.”
Naomi lets out an amused sigh. “It’s a nice thought, but very doubtful, mum. So don’t go holding onto that fantasy too hard.”
Gina turns to look at her properly, her smile dwindling down to nothing as she studies her daughter. After a few long minutes says, “Why doubtful? You’d be lovely at a wedding.”
It’s a mixture of the honesty in her mother’s voice and the concerned look that clouds her face that forces Naomi to look away. She swallows against the lump in her throat and tries not to let her eyes tear up, doesn’t know how to tell her mum that there’s not much point in her ever getting married when it looks like the love of her life will end up as somebody else’s wife instead.
She hears her mum repeat the question, and forces herself to answer, doesn’t want to be the one to take away a moment of her mum’s happiness. Settles for doing what she does best and rattling off a cunty, “You know me, mum, I don’t really believe in paying out all that money for a piece of paper. Seems like another scheme the government cooked up just to take money from us.”
Gina looks back at her with sad eyes. “Despite that, don’t you think it’s all rather lovely, being able to stand up in front of people you know and look into the eyes of the person love and declare it for the world to hear?”
Naomi bites down hard on the inside of her cheek, tries to ignore the images that are flashing up in her mind of Emily in a gorgeous wedding gown and bursting with happiness as she tells her she loves her. She coughs to clear the tightness of her throat and says, “But, you have to be sure, don’t you? I mean, really sure because people forget that a wedding is just one day, it’s the marriage that’s supposed to last a lifetime.”
Gina lets out a sigh but doesn’t say another word, settles for pressing a knowing kiss to Naomi’s forehead before leaving to change back out of her dress.
-----
The day of the wedding comes round in a flash.
-----
Naomi adjusts her dress one final time and looks at her reflection, rolls her eyes when she sees the lemon coloured dress her mum has chosen for her bridesmaids and immediately wishes she could sit this one out.
“Wow, look at you all... yellow.”
She sees Effy’s smirk in the mirror and turns around to face her with a scowl. “I look fucking hideous. I mean, what kind of person willingly chooses yellow, Eff?”
Effy breaks out into a wicked smile, her eyes twinkling with laughter. “Your batty mum apparently.”
“Yeah, well, there’s no way I’m keeping this on. Once they’re pronounced married I’m changing out of this monstrosity.”
“Sounds like a plan.” Effy purses her lips together for a second before warily adding, “Emily and Rachel are here.”
Naomi forces a smile. “Well, they were invited. Nothing I can do to avoid her today.”
Effy nods her head. “I just wanted to warn you.”
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” Effy smiles. “I’ll see you out there, okay?”
Naomi watches her leave and turns to look back at herself one last time, reminds herself that today is about her mum and Kieran and not about the disaster that is her and Emily.
She forces a fake smile onto her face as she heads off to help her mum with the final preparations.
-----
Emily looks stunning. It’s the first thing Naomi thinks when she spots her sitting in the church next to Rachel wearing a beautiful black dress that hugs her body perfectly. She catches Emily’s eye briefly and hopes that the small half smile she offers will ease the tension between them if only for today.
Kieran looks as close to nervous as Naomi’s ever seen him while he stands, dressed handsomely in his suit, waiting for Gina to walk down the aisle. When the music starts and her mum finally appears, Naomi watches the smile that takes over Kieran’s face, sees how her mum looks like she’s glowing with happiness, and feels a wave of contentment rush over her that throughout all the years her mum struggled with love, she finally found the right person.
She feels Emily’s eyes on her the moment Kieran starts with his vows, tries her hardest to keep herself from meeting her gaze but fails miserably. It’s a mixture of her mum and Kieran’s heartfelt words and Emily refusing to look away from her that forces her chest to tighten, and her heart to pound achingly fast. It’s only when they exchange ‘I love you’s’ that Naomi has to tear her eyes away from Emily’s, doesn’t bother fighting against the tears flowing freely from her eyes.
Hurts her even more when she catches Emily wiping at her own.
-----
It feels like a relief when they head back to her old house for the after party. All of the overwhelming feelings that had taken over her at the church slowly retreating again and leaving Naomi feeling like she can finally breathe once more.
She spends the majority of the night looking after Bricker, happy to give Effy the chance to enjoy the night with JJ, and watching as Emily dances with Rachel; trying not to let her jealousy show whenever she accidentally locks eyes with either of them.
“Would you like to dance, Naomi?” JJ asks with a smile.
Naomi glances at Effy who’s only response is to whip Bricker off her lap with a, “Go on. You need to dance at least once tonight. It is your mum’s wedding.”
She lets out a sigh but takes JJ’s hand and lets him lead her out onto the makeshift dance floor they’ve created in the living room. She feels JJ’s hand settle hesitantly on her waist but flashes him a smile that seems to put him at ease as they dance along to the music.
“Looks like we’re being watched,” JJ whispers into her ear, and it’s enough to make Naomi subtly glance around the other people gently swaying together.
She sees Emily dancing with Rachel and instantly finds brown eyes peering over at her. It makes Naomi extremely grateful that Rachel is facing the other way as she lets her eyes hold Emily’s over JJ’s shoulder.
When the song ends, Naomi watches as Emily’s attention flicks back to Rachel without warning, sees Rachel whisper something into Emily’s ear before heading out into the garden, leaving Emily unattended for the first time since they arrived.
JJ presses a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you for the dance. You look lovely.”
Naomi rolls her eyes playfully. “Thank you for asking. But I think we both know I look like a walking lemon and the woman you really want to be dancing with is sitting over there with her son.”
“Yes, well, she is rather beautiful and lovely herself,” JJ says, as he peers over at Effy.
“Go,” Naomi says, shoving gently at his arm and feeling a burst of happiness as JJ smiles back at her before heading over to Effy and Bricker.
The first few notes of the next song hit her hard and she finds her eyes being drawn over to Emily without a second thought. Sees the realisation in Emily’s eyes and takes comfort that she’s not the only one that remembers ‘their’ song.
Naomi can’t help but smile at the memory, remembers how Emily had been adamant that just because they didn’t get to actually go to the ball didn’t mean they couldn’t share their very first dance. Thinks back to how she’d been reluctant to begin with but easily gave in when Emily’s arms curled around her body and pulled her close, a beautiful smile emerging on her face as they swayed together to the music up in her room.
“You two need to be fucking dancing! It’s my wedding night. Everyone should be dancing like a loon.” Kieran drunkenly slurs as he shoves at Naomi’s arm and beckons Emily over.
Emily moves over to her and meets her halfway; her eyes locked tightly onto Naomi’s as she stops before her and reaches out for her hands with a soft smile. Naomi doesn’t think about what she’s doing, or about the people around her, just lets herself drown in the dark warmth of Emily’s eyes as she takes Emily’s hand in her own; holding her in place with her other hand at the base of her back.
She hears Emily sigh against her ear as the sway to the music, Emily’s arm sliding up from her shoulder and to the base of her neck, her fingers gently playing with the fine hairs she finds there. Naomi feels high at the feeling of Emily’s body this close to her own after what feels like a lifetime apart, is mesmerised by how they just seem to fit together and shifts until their foreheads come to rest together, their eyes finding each other momentarily before they slip shut again; the world falling away around them. Naomi’s not sure how long they stay like that, revelling in holding each other close, just knows that it feels like times moving incredibly slowly with nobody but them mattering at all.
It’s only when the music trails off around them that they both come aware that the song has ended. Naomi feels Emily’s shallow breath puffing out against her lips and resists the urge to close the gap and kiss her tenderly. Opens her eyes to find Emily staring back at her so openly that it makes her breath catch, can only close her eyes again when Emily trails her fingertips down her cheek, the pad of her thumb brushing across Naomi’s bottom lip before she steps back from Naomi’s arms.
Neither of them says a word as the moment washes away from them and brings them back to the present. The look in Emily’s eyes shifts to a mixture of disbelief and sadness and Naomi knows the look must be mirrored on her own face when Emily offers a small sad smile before slipping away from her completely leaving Naomi standing alone in the middle of the dance floor unsure of what just happened between them.
-----
Her mum turns out to be the person to find her.
Comes into Naomi’s old bedroom - the dedicated coat room - to find her daughter sitting on the floor leaning back against her bed, and waits for Naomi to look up at her before carefully saying, “Emily introduced me to Rachel earlier... she seems nice.”
Naomi sniffles and doesn’t bother trying to hide that she has to wipe at her eyes, smiles sadly at her mum when she honestly replies, “She’s lovely.”
Gina walks further into the room, settles down on the floor next to Naomi. “Emily didn’t look as happy as I thought she would.”
There’s something knowing in her mum’s voice that makes Naomi snap. “Mum, just fucking leave it alone. It’s none of your business who Emily chooses to be with.”
She feels her mum’s eyes burning into the side of her face and reluctantly turns to meet her eye, and instantly sees the questioning expression on her face when she asks, “Are you sure about that?”
It’s the perceptive look in her mum’s eyes that tell Naomi she already knows the answer to what she’s asking, finds herself crying a little more just because, and lets her mum wrap her arm around her shoulder and pull her close when she whispers a pained, “Oh, Naomi...”
Doesn’t bother to hold back her tears any longer.
-----
She doesn’t sleep.
Can’t.
-----
They catch the train back to London the next morning- her, Effy, Bricker and JJ, and she has to force herself to stop looking around for signs of Emily. Knows it’s stupid to hope she would come for her when she’s with Rachel.
It doesn’t stop her from hoping though.
-----
There’s an odd sense of relief that washes through her, when Naomi finally steps back in to her house, as if everything outside of its four walls is nothing but a dangerous and dark jungle where the world is just waiting to attack her.
She leaves Effy alone with JJ with a quiet nod of her head and gladly takes Bricker up to her room, putting the children’s channel on her TV for him to watch while she curls up on her bed and closes her eyes, takes comfort in knowing he’s there with her, and that she isn’t really alone.
When she wakes it’s almost dark outside, the stars and moon gently glimmering as they appear on the sky’s blank canvas. The first thing she notices when her eyes adjust properly, is that the TV’s been switched off and there’s no sight of Bricker at all; the house still and quiet. The second thing she notices is that her arm is carefully draped around a pillow, her hand resting just below the small piece of smiley faced paper. Naomi smiles to herself at the sight of the red squiggle and Bricker’s barely formed handwriting, and tries not to laugh when she reads Effy’s input of ‘Translation: JJ’s taking us out for some food. Didn’t want to wake you. Will bring you something back. Eff xx’.
She’s barely had time to brush her teeth and splash water on her face when she hears the doorbell ringing. Naomi dabs her face with the towel and wonders who could possibly be calling round to see them as she hurries down the stairs and towards the door calling a hasty “Just a minute”.
Her chest clenches and the air rushes out of her lungs as soon as she opens the door, finds her mouth opening and closing in confusion but no words forming on her tongue. It’s only when Rachel narrows her eyes at her and says, “Can I come in?” that Naomi remembers to talk, and has to swallow hard as she pulls the door open wider with a, “Yeah, of course.” Rachel doesn’t wait for a further invite, pushes her way past Naomi and heads straight down the hall and into the kitchen.
It takes Naomi a few seconds to pull herself together, finds she has to force her feet to move after Rachel and still can’t comprehend why a woman who’s dating her ex-girlfriend, a woman she barely knows, is suddenly standing in her kitchen with a slightly wild look in her eyes.
“Can I get you a drink?” Naomi asks, the words tripping awkwardly out of her mouth as she lingers in the doorway, unsure of why she’s feeling like she’s not allowed in her own kitchen.
Rachel shakes her head sharply in response. “No, but thanks.”
Naomi swallows hard and nods her head, “Okay, sure, that’s fine.”
She feels Rachel’s eyes trail up and down over her body and is overwhelmed by the urge to sink into herself, to fold her arms across her chest and try to protect herself from being exposed. Only it’s ridiculous, because she’s not naked in the slightest, and yet she can’t help feeling like every inch of her is being studied as Rachel’s icy gaze cuts into her skin.
“I didn’t come here for a drink,” Rachel adds after a few achingly long seconds.
Her words leave Naomi’s heart pounding, a rush of bile creeping into her throat, and her head swooning with dizziness. She has to lean her weight against the doorframe when she seems the way Rachel purses her lips together.
Naomi knows it’s dangerous to ask, but she can’t stop the question spilling from her mouth. “Why are you here?”
She sees it then, the way Rachel’s eyes cloud over, and it makes Naomi’s skin crawl, makes her want to turn around and run as fast away as she possibly can. She knows, Naomi thinks wearily, and wonders just how much Emily’s told her.
“I think you know why, don’t you?” Rachel responds, her voice low and steady.
Naomi closes her eyes briefly, tries to think of something to say, anything that will make what she and Emily have been doing seem understandable, but she can’t think of any. Doesn’t think that claiming Emily’s the love of her life will do her any favours and settles instead for nodding her head just once.
It goes silent then, stiflingly so, as Rachel lets out a shaky breath and looks away from her momentarily. It leaves Naomi feeling guilty, watching the pain she’s caused someone else just by being in love and she braces herself for the onslaught of anger she’s sure will follow, looks away from Rachel just so she doesn’t have to watch her break any further.
But when it stays silent, when the burst of anger, the booming words, the throwing of objects and the stinging slap she’s expecting doesn’t come, Naomi glances back at her, finds Rachel looking at her with sad eyes.
An apology is on the tip of her tongue when Rachel finally says, “You should know that I’m leaving London for good.” She offers Naomi a pitiful half-smile and Naomi finds herself surprised when it isn’t laced with hate. “I managed to get my job back in Sheffield, so I’m leaving first thing tomorrow.”
And suddenly it doesn’t make sense. Naomi can’t comprehend why Rachel’s so calm, feels herself releasing a heavy breath and muttering a confused, “Wait a minute... what? Why?”
“I’ve ended things with Emily,” Rachel states calmly, her eyes glimmering with sorrow. “It was time to let her go, you know?”
It fills Naomi with dread, her heart slowing to a stop as she tries her hardest not to crack under Rachel’s gaze, doesn’t understand why she seems so defeated, why she isn’t trying to put up a fight for Emily, to warn Naomi away. Finds her voice breaking slightly when she says, “But why would you--”
Rachel shakes her head slowly, cutting off Naomi’s reply and offering a small smile when she explains simply, “I’m giving her back to you.”
Naomi feels the tears bursting from her eyes; it doesn’t make sense why she’s being so kind when Naomi stabbed her in the back, and can’t help but feel desperately guilty. “Rachel... I don’t--”
“It’s the right thing to do, Naomi.” Rachel looks away from her briefly before continuing, “I told Emily this morning and now I’m here to tell you. Don’t be stupid and waste any more time than you already have.” Rachel looks so crushed then that it hits Naomi that she doesn’t know the whole truth, that whatever Emily has decided to admit to her, she’s kept their betrayal out of it. “You two have no idea how lucky you are to have met the love of your life at age sixteen, so...” She lets out a shaky breath, adding, “I’m letting her go and giving her back to you.”
It leaves Naomi feeling like shit, doesn’t know what she’s supposed to say to a woman who’s so unaware and so willing to give them a second chance, that all Naomi can manage to do is look away from her, doesn’t want Rachel to see the deception in her eyes.
Naomi shakes her head, pushes past the lump in her throat and murmurs the only thing she can think to say, the one thing she truly means, “I am so sorry.”
Rachel shakes her head dismissively. “Just promise me you won’t make the same mistake of letting her go again.” Naomi wipes the tears from her eyes and sniffles as she weakly manages to nod her head. “Good,” Rachel adds with a sincere smile. “Because if you get this wrong this time, and mess her up again Naomi, I will come back here and seriously kick your arse.”
Naomi forces a choked laugh, and tries not to think about how unfair and cruel the world can be when she selfishly accepts Rachel’s offer of a second chance with a, “I won’t. I promise.”
Rachel nods her head. “I left her in Bristol. I suspect she’s gone to Katie’s” before nodding her head one last final time and saying. “Take care of her for me, Naomi” and heading past Naomi and out of a door without a second’s hesitation.
-----
Naomi doesn’t bother packing a bag, doesn’t want to waste another second, just grabs the nearest notepad and scrawls a quick message to Effy before heading back to the train station with determination set in her mind.
It’s now or never, Naomi thinks, as the train pulls away from London and heads towards Bristol-- towards Emily.
-----
Where I Stood - Emily's Interlude #2: Time Lapse Lifeline (Part One)