Late afternoon, a weekend
It's a cold afternoon, and grey. Nothing like the last afternoon Al and I spent in the woods, but it doesn't matter - we're not out here for the weather. In the rucksack on my back the whiskey bottle is buried under a blanket and torch and matches. Our winter coats have been brought out of storage now, and I think later I'll be glad to have mine
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Al's really not looking happy. He's poking at the fire again, not really looking at either of us. "Why - that dare. Were you just curious, or... I suppose that would be asking you for a truth out of turn, wouldn't it?" I'd like to know the answer to that, too. I remember her rocking her hips and biting her lip, and have to bite my own.
He looks at her at last, and at least he's smiling. I shift over on the blanket and brush my fingers against his, just a tiny bit, almost like I'm afraid someone will see. And I take another long swallow of the whisky, in the hope that I'll stop feeling so horribly horribly self-conscious.
"Alright... Truth."None of the things I would have asked him earlier seem right now. And I can't remember whose turn it is to ask him, anyway, not after all that...mine, I suppose, since I did the dare. But ( ... )
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He doesn't sound sure, not at all, and I shuffle round so I can lean against him where he's got his arm round Syl. What if this has ruined things between us? What if it'll never be the same again.
"For what it's worth," I say, my voice low, "by the end - by the time we - I - by then I was only thinking of you."
"Can't speak fer you'n Al, a'course...I mean, don't wanna interfere'n yer relationship none. But Tez...so far's'm concerned, y'don't need t'be sorry." Pause ferra sec, an'en jes' come out'n say't. "I ain't sorry. I mean, I am if'n you guys really feel bad, cuzzi sure's hell didn't want'at...but I ain't sorry cuzza what we did, an'I don't think we got any reason t'be."
I look up at her, half-hopeful and half-disbelieving. I am ashamed, horribly so - how can I not be? It just seems to confirm everythign bad I thought about myself. But if Syl doesn't think it's wrong ( ... )
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Tez'n Al whisper t'each other ferra sec, an'en Tez looks't me. "I - oh lord, Syl. I don't want it to have - ruined everything, between all of us."
"I don't want'at neither. Not at all." I says, an'm damn glad t'hear somebody else say't.
"You...enjoyed it, didn't you?"
Start smilin' again, "Hell, Tez, you wuz watchin'. I think y'could see how much I wuz enjoyin't." Watch th'fire ferra few an'en sigh. Least none ovvus're movin'. Think'at's a good sign. "Look...we didn't hurt nobody, did we? An' we allovus...y'know, had fun. So tell me how any'a what we did's wrong? Izzere any reason 'sides from 'so-n-so told me't wuz'?" Find'm gettin' a li'l mad. Been hearin' m'whole life't such-n-such a thin's "unnatural", an'I oughta be 'shamed ferrit. Sleepin' wit' 'nother girl's "unnatural". Not wantin' t'get married's "unnatural". Havin' more'n one lover's " ( ... )
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"For what it's worth, by the end - by the time we - I - by then I was only thinking of you."
I smile a bit at that, because it is worth something. I suppose I must be quite transparent for Tez to be able to tell what was bothering me. It's sort of troubling, although also comforting, how well he can read me already. I'm not used to people being able to tell how I feel.
Tez asks Syl if she enjoyed - watching us. Syl says that she did. It's interesting, that; she doesn't care for boys romantically, but she likes us...doing things together. I wonder if I should be interested to see two girls touch each other. It's still a hard thing to imagine happening, despite what Syl has told us.
"Look...we didn't hurt nobody, did we? An' we allovus...y'know, had fun. So tell me how any'a what we did's wrong? Izzere any reason 'sides from 'so-n-so told me't wuz'? I enjoyed it. And I ain't sorry."I glance up at Syl. She has a fierce sort of confidence in herself ( ... )
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Syl seems almost...almost angry. I look at her wonderingly as she defends herself - defends us. I'm thinking about what she said: Izzere any reason 'sides from 'so-n-so told me't wuz'? I know what she means - people would say what Al and I do is wrong too, and I know it isn't, know it's something - something fine and beautiful.
But I don't know if this isn't too much for me, the idea that this is all right too. Because wouldn't that mean that it was all right for me to like Syl, too, even though I love Al, if only it didn't hurt him? And I don't know if I can believe that. Not yet, and maybe not ever.
"I don't know. Whether something is right or not doesn't necessarily have to do with whether it hurt anyone or if it felt good."
I wonder what does make something right or wrong for him. I really don't know, and I look between them, feeling caught. And I'm so afraid that it will hurt Al, somehow, that even me enjoying looking at Syl's a betrayal that'll pain him ( ... )
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I wanna ask what duz make somethin' right'r wrong 'en, cuzzit seems t'me 'ose two're th'only ones't count. But'e's lookin't Tez funny, like'e's worried, so I don't say nothin'.
An' what Tez says kinda 'sprises me. "We can't let it come between us. Whatever it - whether it's right or wrong. Don't you think?" An' when I look't'im, 'e's holdin' th'patch I made forrim, annat makes m'throat near t'close up.
"Damn straight, Tez," I says, 'n reach 'round Al so's I c'n squeeze'is shoulder.
S'my turn. Figure't's gonna be th'last. We've hadda lotts truths now, but still don't think nonovvus 'r up fer more dares. So... "Truth."
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