Late afternoon, a weekend
It's a cold afternoon, and grey. Nothing like the last afternoon Al and I spent in the woods, but it doesn't matter - we're not out here for the weather. In the rucksack on my back the whiskey bottle is buried under a blanket and torch and matches. Our winter coats have been brought out of storage now, and I think later I'll be glad to have mine
( Read more... )
"For what it's worth, by the end - by the time we - I - by then I was only thinking of you."
I smile a bit at that, because it is worth something. I suppose I must be quite transparent for Tez to be able to tell what was bothering me. It's sort of troubling, although also comforting, how well he can read me already. I'm not used to people being able to tell how I feel.
Tez asks Syl if she enjoyed - watching us. Syl says that she did. It's interesting, that; she doesn't care for boys romantically, but she likes us...doing things together. I wonder if I should be interested to see two girls touch each other. It's still a hard thing to imagine happening, despite what Syl has told us.
"Look...we didn't hurt nobody, did we? An' we allovus...y'know, had fun. So tell me how any'a what we did's wrong? Izzere any reason 'sides from 'so-n-so told me't wuz'? I enjoyed it. And I ain't sorry."
I glance up at Syl. She has a fierce sort of confidence in herself.
"I don't know," I say thoughtfully. "Whether something is right or not doesn't necessarily have to do with whether it hurt anyone or if it felt good." I think for me, though, the largest part of this is not the morals of it, but wondering whether whatever this could lead to would make Tez slip away from me, somehow. But I don't want to mention that in front of Syl, and I'm not even sure if I know how to tell Tez. I just - All this has made me wonder if I'll be enough for him the way he is for me. It makes my throat feel tight to think about, so I push it away for now.
Reply
Syl seems almost...almost angry. I look at her wonderingly as she defends herself - defends us. I'm thinking about what she said: Izzere any reason 'sides from 'so-n-so told me't wuz'? I know what she means - people would say what Al and I do is wrong too, and I know it isn't, know it's something - something fine and beautiful.
But I don't know if this isn't too much for me, the idea that this is all right too. Because wouldn't that mean that it was all right for me to like Syl, too, even though I love Al, if only it didn't hurt him? And I don't know if I can believe that. Not yet, and maybe not ever.
"I don't know. Whether something is right or not doesn't necessarily have to do with whether it hurt anyone or if it felt good."
I wonder what does make something right or wrong for him. I really don't know, and I look between them, feeling caught. And I'm so afraid that it will hurt Al, somehow, that even me enjoying looking at Syl's a betrayal that'll pain him.
"We can't let it come between us," I say at last. That's something I can be sure of: between Al and me, or the friendship all three of us have. I pick up the patch Syl gave me earlier, run my fingers over the stitching. "Whatever it - whether it's right or wrong. Don't you think?"
Reply
I wanna ask what duz make somethin' right'r wrong 'en, cuzzit seems t'me 'ose two're th'only ones't count. But'e's lookin't Tez funny, like'e's worried, so I don't say nothin'.
An' what Tez says kinda 'sprises me. "We can't let it come between us. Whatever it - whether it's right or wrong. Don't you think?" An' when I look't'im, 'e's holdin' th'patch I made forrim, annat makes m'throat near t'close up.
"Damn straight, Tez," I says, 'n reach 'round Al so's I c'n squeeze'is shoulder.
S'my turn. Figure't's gonna be th'last. We've hadda lotts truths now, but still don't think nonovvus 'r up fer more dares. So... "Truth."
Reply
Leave a comment