a morning, a maiden

[terebi_me]

Hello again, insomnia. I see you didn't actually leave altogether, despite my attempts to hold you off with drugs and a sensible(ish) bedtime. (On Monday night, I didn't even really bother to get to bed until midnight, and then did not sleep much at all for the entire night... again, despite drugs.) I did sleep last night, though; lovely, deep,

Comments

[squeakymonkey]

The sunset last night was possibly the best and reddest orange one I've seen in the western half of the country. I left work when it was starting, I drive west and east while I commute, because of the river, and the bridge. If it's clear I can always see Hood being lovely or the sun rising or setting, whichever. Mostly setting

[terebi_me]

You deserve to be happy. You are a wonderful person.I agree completely and wholeheartedly. This is part of the positive emotion that's overwhelming me - no, I really DO love myself, and like myself, and think I'm pretty dandy, and great company, and awesome in bed. I take very good care of myself, as best I can, and I forgive myself when I fall short of my goals. I'm just lonely, and have a hard time admitting it - I don't know whether it's more embarrassingly vulnerable to admit loneliness when you're an adolescent (when the response is "Lose 50 pounds and stop being such a nerd and act like a girl, for Chrissakes"), or as a middle-aged person (when the response is "Lose seventy pounds and go on eHarmony, because there's way more of a chance that you'll be killed by terrorists at this point"). It's awful, one way or the other. And I don't regret any of my decisions; I woodshedded for a good long time (and will again, I can tell) and developed my talent. But I do want someone to love in an intimate "romantic" way; that's all I've ever

[squeakymonkey]

In some ways we are coming from opposite places. All I could hear recently in my head was that voice inside me constantly telling me what an asshole I was. Since my sense of self is nearly ENTIRELY self constructed, it was really getting in the way of EVERYTHING I DID AT ALL TIMES. Falling in love didn't help me with that at all. Probably that made me feel lonlier. It was like the incoming love detector was broken for all time

[terebi_me]

Oh, I'm not saying that my self-hatred hasn't run deep and wide; but it exists side by side with a self-love that I am cultivating and encouraging with all my might right now. I am my least favorite person in the world; my suicidal feelings aren't just fear and panic based, they are also due to the fact that if I hated anyone else the way I hate myself, I'd kill them with my bare hands. And yet, I can't live like that anymore, so I have to stop and let the part of me that likes myself and finds myself worthwhile - even extraordinary - transform my mind. I understand that this process is going to take the rest of my life, and sometimes I won't succeed. But those times will not be all the time. And they are less and less of the time

[the_automatik]

All my strategies, all my morals, my much-vaunted moral code, have cut me off from the world.

I am perplexed by this. What do you mean specifically?

[terebi_me]

I live alone, because trying to live with other people ends with them getting seriously pissed at me about something, judging me constantly, etc - and very much vice versa, which makes me really hate myself. Knowing that all the negativity in a house is entirely what I've brought there is seriously unfortunate

[the_automatik]

*hugs*

[the_automatik]

Do you think your fear of debt is a symptom of anxiety disorder or OCD?

rhuby loves jem

[anonymous]

#1--squeakymonkey, i would read your book. just to *understand* what people go through. rock on you. thank you for being jem's friend.

#2--jem. i always love you. please repeat as necessary, or let me know i need to tell you in person. always. even at 3am. :) i know you know that.

#3-- >> I have to do it, though, and I must not feel that it's less important or less beautiful even if others reject it. << that is beautiful. go you! :)

#4--one of my best memories of growing up was seeing the BIGGEST ORANGEST MOON coming up over the apartments next door, where i lived in elementary school. standing in the living room, bathed in orange light, wearing my orange crush tee shirt, and just gobsmacked out the window. save that memory. it's lovely.

#5--when i have a job again, i swear i'll either get you here, or get us there. because you deserve to be bathed in loving, supportiveness. and not buy yourself coffee/dinner for a couple of days. you're awesome.