a morning, a maiden

[terebi_me]

Hello again, insomnia. I see you didn't actually leave altogether, despite my attempts to hold you off with drugs and a sensible(ish) bedtime. (On Monday night, I didn't even really bother to get to bed until midnight, and then did not sleep much at all for the entire night... again, despite drugs.) I did sleep last night, though; lovely, deep,

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[squeakymonkey]

The sunset last night was possibly the best and reddest orange one I've seen in the western half of the country. I left work when it was starting, I drive west and east while I commute, because of the river, and the bridge. If it's clear I can always see Hood being lovely or the sun rising or setting, whichever. Mostly setting.

When I had the epiphany I was able to see the superstructure of what I was supposed to do for about a week. It was more like connect the dots and acid for me. I would have asked about why no one could see it, but when I was in high school, I saw a bunch of stuff that wasn't there, and so my way is to pretend it isn't there and just do what I have to do. As long as it's you can tell its not crazy ass things that hurt you, proceed.

Also at that time, the negative voice stopped, and everything was just easier. And I could finally feel everyone who loves me loving me and I cried happy tears fucking every day for a while because that was overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, my boss and other stupid shit etc. still piss me off. The whole point of me writing the fucking book that I'm avoiding that I should have written when I wasn't sleeping is to help other people with that shit and the sadness, and 90% of who I thought it could maybe help is YOU.

Anyway that whole thing is about how to not be sad and like yourself at least most of the time. I offer you the following, the crux of how I got there:

I did everything for my body that I was able to make me healthy and give me the best chance of being chemically happy. I ate good food, kept the blood sugar level, regular masturbation and excercise... (I am not doing enough on the last count, so don't criticize you if you don't either.) I would say sleep, but that's a bear for me. Regular breath focused meditation helped with the inability to control unfocused thoughts at bedtime and other times, and to some extent emotions. I have a relaxation mp3 thing that is also pretty good to help the body relax for sleep. I have a lot on the no sleep front to deal with. Compassion meditation helped me with not hating me (no shit, it's also good for learning deep forgiveness). I gave honest compliments people as much as I felt like I wanted to, and at some point I realized that people were saying honestly nice things and showing their concern for me NEARLY EVERY DAY, and not just P. And at some point I was like 'OH FUCK, WHY HAVE I HATED ME ALL THIS TIME, PEOPLE FUCKING LIKE ME. I'M WORTH BEING NICE TO.'

There are other ways to get there, I am convinced. Anyway, it changed how I feel about everything for the better and things feel easier and less lonely. My life is different than yours, I know. It's never the same thing, but some of us is the same on the inside, I think.

I also picked up a dielectical behavior therapy book from Amazon, it's under $20. You can workbook yourself. I didn't workbook me because I did my own thing, but it looks pretty solid and focused and doable.

There's some other stuff I want to say, but I have to go to work.

Also if Mary Lou gave you any pointers, I will say she gave me the best fucking mental health advice ever.

I read that whole thing. You deserve to be happy. You are a wonderful person.

[terebi_me]

You deserve to be happy. You are a wonderful person.
I agree completely and wholeheartedly. This is part of the positive emotion that's overwhelming me - no, I really DO love myself, and like myself, and think I'm pretty dandy, and great company, and awesome in bed. I take very good care of myself, as best I can, and I forgive myself when I fall short of my goals. I'm just lonely, and have a hard time admitting it - I don't know whether it's more embarrassingly vulnerable to admit loneliness when you're an adolescent (when the response is "Lose 50 pounds and stop being such a nerd and act like a girl, for Chrissakes"), or as a middle-aged person (when the response is "Lose seventy pounds and go on eHarmony, because there's way more of a chance that you'll be killed by terrorists at this point"). It's awful, one way or the other. And I don't regret any of my decisions; I woodshedded for a good long time (and will again, I can tell) and developed my talent. But I do want someone to love in an intimate "romantic" way; that's all I've ever wanted, and that's what I've almost never had. And there are reasons why that's true. But I have to find out what those are, and what can be shed, and what mustn't be shed without altering my lifestyle and personality in a way that I don't like.

I've got a DBT book already, actually. I got about a third of the way through before I got distracted onto something else. I have to photocopy the pages, though, because several of the exercises have to be gone over multiple times. And writing, as much as these things require one to write, is extremely physically painful. Last time I saw a therapist and they told me to take that approach, and I told them that it hurts to write, they were not in the least bit sympathetic. It has to be written by hand, whether or not it's legible, whether or not it takes a long-ass time to express any single thought when I'm used to typing 110 words per minute; whether or not it makes my fingers and wrists scream. I wanted to punch her, but on the other hand, I was paying her good money to tell me to get my head out of my ass, so I guess it's the truth.

But I want a fucking credit card. But patience - enormous patience - will be required. OK; fine. I have the time.

[squeakymonkey]

In some ways we are coming from opposite places. All I could hear recently in my head was that voice inside me constantly telling me what an asshole I was. Since my sense of self is nearly ENTIRELY self constructed, it was really getting in the way of EVERYTHING I DID AT ALL TIMES. Falling in love didn't help me with that at all. Probably that made me feel lonlier. It was like the incoming love detector was broken for all time.

That's weird, I know. I think I wanted total intimacy emotionally but did not ever want romantic love. I had to be dragged into romantic love kicking and screaming until I said uncle. I was more like "YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED, let's screw around or something."

I think Addams is like you in that way, with romantic love, or he used to be years ago.

Sometimes I think you need to be told how awesome you are when you are down. But maybe that's only a transitory thing. I hope so, because YOU ARE AWESOME. I am glad that you know it.

I think it is ok for you to type DBT. That handwriting thing sounds like bullshit to me. I thought DBT was to get you to be conscious what mental habits should be broken or changed and practical steps towards it and not to BREAK you. For fuck's sake. If the point is to make you think about it while you write or spend some time with your thoughts, there are other ways to do that.

My psychiatrist once told me to take less showers and totally restructure my laundry schedule, but I told her I wouldn't on account of it being a dumb idea. I think I said 'That's dumb, unpleasant, and it also won't fix my emotional problems.'

All I can tell you elsewise is to seek out as many events that interest you as you can where you can talk to single people.

I wish I could give you more.

[terebi_me]

Oh, I'm not saying that my self-hatred hasn't run deep and wide; but it exists side by side with a self-love that I am cultivating and encouraging with all my might right now. I am my least favorite person in the world; my suicidal feelings aren't just fear and panic based, they are also due to the fact that if I hated anyone else the way I hate myself, I'd kill them with my bare hands. And yet, I can't live like that anymore, so I have to stop and let the part of me that likes myself and finds myself worthwhile - even extraordinary - transform my mind. I understand that this process is going to take the rest of my life, and sometimes I won't succeed. But those times will not be all the time. And they are less and less of the time.

I try not to allow myself to feel "romantic love" for anyone because it is never reciprocated; hell, most of the time I do my best to ignore feelings of attraction for the same reasons. To this day, the idea terrifies me. And nobody's going to come after me. You got lucky; I didn't, or haven't so far. I haven't given up, though. But I can't commit myself 100% to looking for it; there is so much else to life that I love and want to experience. Apparently these two impulses are not at odds with other people; they have passions AND careers AND love relationships, all at the same time. I have no idea how this is done.