a morning, a maiden

[terebi_me]

Hello again, insomnia. I see you didn't actually leave altogether, despite my attempts to hold you off with drugs and a sensible(ish) bedtime. (On Monday night, I didn't even really bother to get to bed until midnight, and then did not sleep much at all for the entire night... again, despite drugs.) I did sleep last night, though; lovely, deep,

Comments

[terebi_me]

I live alone, because trying to live with other people ends with them getting seriously pissed at me about something, judging me constantly, etc - and very much vice versa, which makes me really hate myself. Knowing that all the negativity in a house is entirely what I've brought there is seriously unfortunate.

Rather than put other people through the hell that is living with me, I live on my own, and thank God I can finally afford it.

I try not to ever touch anybody who is in a relationship with someone else, if that someone else has not given their explicit consent to such an act. Unfortunately, I almost never meet anyone single these days, and in fact, have rarely ever met anyone who was single who I was attracted to. It is NOT their unavailability that attracts me to them - I don't know they're attached before I feel the attraction. I suppose they give off vibes of "having already done it right", which attracts me (as well as being sexy little hotties, of course). As soon as I find they're attached, I am still attracted, but I back WAY the fuck off. The times I've violated this tenet have been disastrous and ruined my life for years and years afterward, so I don't go there.

In general, I want to spare the world - particularly people who I really like, but who are not part of that tiny cadre of very close friends - the unpleasantness of having to deal with me at all, so I isolate myself a lot. And when I am with people, I perform. I try as hard as I can to NOT be myself, or at least, to only display the most entertaining parts of myself. I can rock a room and make everyone laugh and I sound great on the radio, but I am so obviously not Real™ that nobody ever looks beneath the surface. Most folks who I know in passing think I've got my shit seriously together - the great job, the books in print, the vintage glasses, brain the size of a planet - but once they get a peek below the surface, I watch them cringe away in disgust and pity. I can SEE it. I can see the repulsion in their faces. So ... I hide it, as much as I can.

I don't owe money. I have no debt. I paid off all the debt I had years and years ago. I can't sleep if I'm in debt; I have nightmares about the cops blasting my door down and shooting me to death if I overdraw my checking account (even though I have overdraft protection). Serious, serious, bloodcurdling nightmares (in fact, even just thinking about being in debt makes me feel all panic-attacky. Just sitting here.) But with no debt and no credit, I can't even access my credit score, let alone apply for a credit card - SO I CAN GO TO THERAPY. Or take driving lessons, or buy some new fucking shoes, or visit my mom, or any of a number of things that would make my world a better place.

The amount of guilt I feel over going to Comic-Con instead of visiting my mother is extremely intense. Sure, I had a better time, and met me some Milo (and got huggles from Michael Hogan! Call me, you silver fox), and made some contacts in the pro world... but it means that I won't have the money to go out there for a long, long, long time - even longer, if I have to save all my money to put towards obtaining a secured credit card. And I also kinda don't really want to see her, but it would make her happy. If I think I'm lonely, it is a million times worse for her.

[the_automatik]

*hugs*

[the_automatik]

Do you think your fear of debt is a symptom of anxiety disorder or OCD?

[terebi_me]

I'm sure that anxiety is a part of it (I'm pretty certain that I have no OCD, or it would have manifested itself by now... right?); and also I was raised in a household absolutely hurricane-devastated by credit card debt, and debt that wasn't actually incurred by US - my mom's husband (I will not call him my stepfather) maxed out all her cards and then deserted her when she was diagnosed with MS. He came back when she won a settlement for wrongful termination from the hospital where she worked. And yes - they're still together, even though they hate each other, because she hasn't worked since and he pays for the house and the cable. I hate that fucker so much that I taught myself to kill a man with my bare hands several different ways, and learned about handguns, blade weapons, archery, etc. because I hoped to save us from him.

But yeah - my adolescence was always having to answer the phone because nobody called us but collections agencies. And then they assumed, by the sound of my voice, that I was an ADULT MAN when I was an 11-year-old girl. Major psychological trauma that I have not ever been able to get over. The thought of debt makes me suicidal, so I eliminated it from my life, and work hard to keep it at bay. If I ever have a medical emergency, I ask you all now - put me on 24-hour suicide watch. I am serious about that.

[terebi_me]

Man, big-time trauma, actually - all of that stuff. Bad times; seriously bad times. Between the ages of 9 and 13, I learned that men are not to be trusted (especially tall ones). I learned that when the going gets tough, husbands/boyfriends leave, and your family turns its back on you. I learned that romantic fairy tales are not just nonsense, but harmful, destructive nonsense. I learned that money is the only thing that anyone cares about. I learned that the world doesn't actually consider me to be female. I learned that my mother is willing to use me as a human shield. I learned (from my doctors, my family, and my schoolmates) that I was fat. I learned that there is no way to defend that which I love, that even at home, there's no place safe. I learned that debt lasts a lifetime. I learned that I would never mean as much as a male would (as my father, on his 2nd marriage, finally had a son, and then pretty much disappeared from my life). I learned that being smart was a curse and guaranteed that nobody would like me.

So yeah, therapy, you think? :)

[the_automatik]

I'm so sorry.

I learned a lot of horrible things about people with all the crap I went through, too, and it does make it hard to relate to those who never had to deal with that kind of abuse.

Money is evil evil evil. I grew up around disgustingly wealthy kids who made me feel like shit and I've NEVER forgotten it.

And I DEFINITELY know what it feels like to be hated and misunderstood because of the way I see the world and my intelligence.

I had a friend for 20 years who manipulated me and treated me so badly for about half of that time and I am STILL not recovered from it, even though the last time I talked to her was eight years ago.

I won't get into the family stuff because that's really personal, but yeah, lots of emotional damage there as well.

Hugs hugs hugs.

[the_automatik]

That sounds BRUTAL. I am so sorry. I know that so many of my own triggers are related to shitty things I went through and so I can definitely understand those fears.

I avoid those things as much as I can, too.

*hugs*