'sparing people's feelings'

[tarleon]

So, I just had a random thought. That thought is that the idea of 'sparing someone's feelings' by not being blunt about something difficult is inherently a selfish thing

Comments

[harkon]

I guess another way of looking at "sparing" someone's feelings is not that you want to be the messenger and deal with the subsequent shooting, but that you have decided there is information that is need to know, and the person in question doesn't need to know. Sometimes it is because of the whole 'wanting to protect them' feeling, but sometimes it is just that you know it isn't going to make a difference one way or the other, so you might as well save yourself the trouble.

[tarleon]

I don't know if I agree with you on that

[harkon]

I understand why people would pretend that they aren't being selfish when they are, we generally like to think well of ourselves

[tarleon]

I accept your points. They're largely why I said that there are indeed valid times when it is appropriate to spare someone's feelings. I can also see other valid altruistic urges, such as an intent to encourage someone, such as in the last example you provided.

I'm just suggesting that the vast majority of occurrences of such sentiments are not expressions of true altruism at all, but instead of selfishness. I used definite language largely because I see it as overwhelmingly more common.

But, yeah, I get what you're saying and agree with you.

[tarleon]

Woah, inbox overload.

I agree with you, as I have said above in response to harkon.

Although, I have to ask, how do you edit replies? I can't see how and I am much the same with my confusing over use of 'you' above.

[tarleon]

Ah, thanks :)

And don't stress about the inbox thing, it was a joke more than anything else. I just didn't communicate it properly over the intarwebs. If anything it was nice to see 3 reply notifications, even if it was only for one reply.

[tarleon]

The post was and is related to an atomic thought. It was posted with the intention of provoking discussion because it was something I had not considered previously, but which made substantial sense to me today when it occurred to me; its possible that others would have an opinion on it. Subsequent challenge and discussion of the matter has been good for further refining my position on it, which is what I wanted. It was not directed at you nor our discussions; perhaps the only thing I drew from them was that you felt awful when being blunt, which prompted me to consider if that was a common occurrence, which as you can see, I considered likely

[tarleon]

I am being deliberately confrontational in my choice of language. That being said, the only altruistic reasoning I have seen for this course of action is that the party being told is substantially emotionally fragile. I do not think that this is the general case. If the motivation is not altruistic, it is instead selfish to a lesser or greater degree

[mixnmatchmemory]

I don't believe in sparing people's feelings, but your post and mine earlier one on offense are oddly related. (:

I do believe that there is always, always a better option - you don't have to go out and say "I don't want to sleep with you, cunt", but there's not always an advantage in sugar coating it either. I've tried sugar coating it with guys, and gotten terrible results. I told a friend who wanted to move in with me that moving in with me was not a guarantee that he would be my boyfriend - and he agreed to that, but still expected that he'd be able to just start a relationship with me right off.

It's important to find the balance between bluntness and sugarcoating, so that your intentions are clear but you're not doing any deliberate harm. You have to realize that part of what you have to say IS going to hurt them - but it's better for a little hurt in the short term than a lot of hurt in the long term.

[tarleon]

The thing is, I guess, that what is clear for some people is not always clear for others. Which is why I suggest bluntness is actually kinder, because it avoids any presumption of knowledge, social skills or interpretation.

Your last sentence is a lot of what I am saying, presented concisely. You can't avoid hurting people if they will get hurt on the facts. And, I am reminded of something a friend of mine once said "The truth is like surgery, it hurts but it heals."