Self-check

[tamago23]

A few days ago I was on the bus with Connor and there was an empty seat beside me. A little girl, probably six years old, sat beside me and asked about Connor, so I told her his name and age. She then said, "Does he have a Daddy?" in this longing way that told me pretty clearly that she herself did not have a dad. I said, "Yes," and she asked where

Comments

[saffirebleu]

I do the same damn thing. I also notice when I *don't* use a racial identifier, I'm aware that I'm deliberately not doing so.

It's hard to get that stuff out of your brain, even when you don't *feel* racist.

Suckage.

[tamago23]

I also notice when I *don't* use a racial identifier, I'm aware that I'm deliberately not doing so.

Yep, me too. I think there's actually two concepts at work there - the first being that "white=normal and unremarkable, and anything else is Other" and the second being "and anything Other should be commented upon since one Other represents all Others." We get taught and internalize those concepts as just another part and parcel of our racist framework. *sigh* It's self-perpetuating because any time we do that (identify someone by their racial category unconsciously and specifically because it will associate them with certain stereotypes that we know to be widely held), we're continuing to strengthen both those stereotypes and the concepts listed above. But it's so ingrained in us to do, it requires conscious awareness and effort to keep ourselves from doing so.

I wonder now how many times I've done that in the past without even realizing it.

For what it's worth

[theshaggy]

I wouldn't have attributed some sort of stereotype to it, I would just have seen it as a descriptor for the situation... although in further thinking, giving no other setting besides "black girl" would be rather conspicuous, so I see your point.

Re: For what it's worth

[tamago23]

The key is in the fact that I automatically thought to label her as black. If she'd been Asian, for example, I wouldn't have thought to label her as "a little Asian girl", because missing fathers aren't stereotypes I associate with Asian cultures

Re: For what it's worth

[saffirebleu]

I will use, or start to use and stop myself, racial/cultural identifiers for anyone who isn't white. In many cases, I don't really consider it racist, but maybe I'm wrong.

For example, I LOVE Mexicans. So if I were to say, "I was speaking to a Mexican woman in the store about the best kind of bread to buy" I really couldn't tell you WHY I would throw that identifier in there. Maybe to just paint a clearer picture? I don't know.

These things hurt my head. It's like the conversations about privilege. I hate them. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and say "It is what it is" but that seems to piss people off. :D

[birthingway]

Le sigh. We are all doing the best we can--learning, and growing, and recognizing when we fall down. That story makes me sad--not because of her colour, but because of her wistfulness. Thank you for sharing.

[lafemmedesfemme]

because you didn't identify her as black until later in your post, i automatically assumed she was white.

though if you were black and telling this story, i would've assumed the girl was black unless you'd said otherwise.

funny how that works.

[kettunainen]

I had always wondered about that -- I do the same thing, so I wonder whether it holds true for all of us that we assume people with unspecified skin tone/other descriptors match that of the speaker's.

[the_moogie]

While I'm all for single parents (or multiple parents, come to think of it), I have noticed that kids get a lot of pressure about their dads - to identify them, to talk about their jobs (because a dad IS his job, otherwise how can we figure out how important he is), and compare them with other dads. The annual Fathers day thing doesn't help. Once, around age 11 or so my cousins asked my dad if they could give him cards on fathers day. It made me realize how the fact that I had two parents (and thus looked like a "normal" family to others) was a social privilege.