Deserving Chapter 11
Kind of lost my momentum a little. Without further ado, and better late than never, let's return to the Wacky World of Deserving™.
It's around about this point that the story starts going off the rails. And if you've read up to this point, you'll know that's saying something. An author's note informs us that she'd only planned and written thus far, and I can quite believe that she's just making it up as she goes along now.
Harry didn’t stop to knock and saw himself in.
“Hermione, you can’t allow this!” he yelled as he walked in.
If you recall, Hermione and the Weasleys OOCly decided to abandon Harry because he OOCly decided to enslave Snape. Now Harry is going to get Hermione's help because the Guides are being manipulated into marrying their slaves so that what happened to Goyle* doesn't recur. Because marriage makes everything better! It's all very convoluted, and you've seen nothing yet. This plot grows like bindweed. By the time the chapter numbers get into the thirties and forties, things are coming up that you'd completely forgotten about.
And that's about the only similarity this fic has with Harry Potter. Except for some of the character names.
(* He died in childbirth, couldn't breastfeed his kid and the kid also died, and its corpse was narmfully described as looking like a prune.)
“Mr. Potter, I would appreciate it if you knocked before entering my office. May I remind you that my knowledge and expertise are no longer at your disposal? Please leave at once,” Said the witch with cool politeness. Harry could hear the grinding of her teeth.
Everyone in the fic talks in this stilted, over-formal way, except when they're throwing the word "wank" around in polite company because the author Did Not Do The Bloody Research. Hermione is one of the few characters for which it isn't necessarily OOC, but it is when she's talking to Harry.
“Mr. Potter, I will not repeat myself, you are to exit my office at once I do not wish to discuss our decisions with you,” she said with a stern face.
Even in book 1, Hermione was never this pompous in canon.
“Look, Single, I am not here for small talk. I need to speak to Severus Snape.”
“Yes, well you and a number of others. It seems Mr. Snape is very much in demand. I hear he has five requests already and he has only been hear half and hour.”
“Five requests of marriage?”
“It is the matter at hand, is it not Mr. Potter?”
“Who would want to marry Snape?”
Let's take a look at the Uber-Pit, shall we? From the het section:
Snape/Ginny [Fics: 23]
Snape/Hermione [Fics: 1670]
Snape/Hooch [Fics: 1]
Snape/Lily [Fics: 33]
Snape/McGonagall [Fics: 2]
Snape/Molly [Fics: 2]
Snape/Sinistra [Fics: 1]
Snape/Tonks [Fics: 2]
Snape/Vector [Fics: 1]
... and the slash section:
Harry/Snape [Fics: 1317]
Snape/Draco [Fics: 28]
Snape/Dumbledore [Fics: 12]
Snape/James [Fics: 9]
Snape/Lucius [Fics: 80]
Snape/Neville [Fics: 5]
Snape/Percy [Fics: 2]
Snape/Remus [Fics: 99]
Snape/Ron [Fics: 24]
Snape/Sirius [Fics: 54]
This doesn't count unsorted fics, threesomes, or fics with Severus as part of a beta couple or paired with an OC. Meanwhile, on fanfiction.net, searching for romance fics with Severus as a listed main character gives 23,330 hits and again there'll be some Severus shipping that this search misses. So yeah, quite a few. I blame Alan Rickman.
“I would suggest a wet nurse then.”
“A what?”
“A wet nurse, Mr. Potter, when a birthing parent becomes ill or dies a wet nurse is called in to do the job.”
Yes, thank you for explaining this truly esoteric concept to us.
“Sometimes, but it is worth a shot. I am sure you do not want to end up married to a Death Eater and really Mr. Potter does it matter if the child of a death eater makes it or not? You are a young wizard…”
But he was stopped by the point of Harry’s wand digging into his throat.
“My son is mine and only mine. And YES Sir, he is well worth saving.”
Mr. Single’s eyes grew wide and he said, “Yes, of course, how foolish of me. UM… I do believe I can give you the name of some guides which have marked ones suckling their young.
This scene works. Single is such an eminently unlikeable character that it's great to see Harry (who admittedly isn't much better in this fic) giving him what for, and the author portrays Harry's concern for his son convincingly. There's also foreshadowing of the fact that, though Single is the guy tasked with repopulating the wizarding world with "Marked Ones'" babies (arse- or otherwise), there's more to it than meets the eye.
Harry could not believe what he was seeing. It was only because the contract that he had in his hand stated that the thing in front of him was Pansy Parkinson that he believed it so.
Gee, I wonder if the whole "mistreatment of Marked Ones" business is more widespread than just idiot!Harry?
“Eat; you will need it if you are going to feed two.”
“Sir does this mean you will allow me to feed my child also?” she asked giving him a sideways glance as one does when expecting retribution.
Like you do.
“Of course you can feed your child.” He could not understand why she would even ask a question like that. Who would keep a child from nourishment?
In this fic, populated as it is by loathsome bastards, even more loathsome bastards and people in blissful ignorance of all the loathsome bastardry going on around them, I'd say there's quite a few.
Even the Dursleys made sure he did not starve to death.
Because they were scared of Dumbledore.
Could he finally be rid of the greasy git?
This time, the author Did Not Do The Bloody Research in the other direction. Because "git" is a very mild insult for someone you hate as much as Harry seems to hate Severus in this fic, however utterly ludicrous his behaviour in expressing this has been.
Harry had nothing against Pansy and her suffering was digging deep into his soul. The contract in his hands went up in smoke.
At first glance, I thought this was meant literally.
Harry entered the same little room were he had acquired Snape
Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
and found that someone had magic a huge bay window in the right wall. You could see a sunny day out in the streets of London.
The POV in this fic is so hyperactive it's just jumped clean over the fourth wall. Good job the Department of Buggery didn't have a window when Harry did the "acquiring", really. Though not from the perspective of the bazillion fangirls who'd have been fighting each other for a view of the action.
Severus put the baby to his nipple and sighed with relief.
Once again I'm forced, much against my better judgement, to consider the question of whether his breasts have grown.
Richard was safe in his arms and feeding, for the present this brought unimaginable relief to the Potions Master. Harry was feeling the same sense of relief.
If you really insist on switching POV in the middle of a scene, then at least start a new paragraph. Please.
It seemed that Dennis was three month shy of his adulthood in the Wizarding World and therefore could not apply for a marriage license to a marked one.
His adulthood in the wizarding world, as opposed to all those other kinds of adulthood that would be relevant when filing for a marriage licence with the Ministry of Magic in the wizarding world. Also, Dennis seems to have picked up an idiot ball. He probably stole one of Harry's. It's not very big by the standards of this fic, but has time to grow.
This was madness, sheer madness; fools.
Madness? THIS! IS! AN OVERUSED MEME!
The forth petition was from Minerva. Harry had heard she was having a hard time replacing the greasy git.
Quite a length to go to in order to recruit a Potions Master, isn't it? Also, again "greasy git" isn't something you call a guy you hate as much as Harry hates Severus in this fic (except when he wants to shag him, of course...) - it's more like you'd describe, for instance, a least-favourite schoolteacher.
According to Neville’s Grands his time in India and China had taught her grandson ancient magic lost to the British Wizarding World.
Yay orientalism! Also, "wizarding world" isn't capitalised in the books. (ETA: And JKR spells it lowercase on her website.) I've no idea where that particular piece of fanon originated nor why it bugs me so much, but it seems all-pervasive. Even the wiki, normally quite good when it comes to keeping the fanon separate, can't make its mind up.
“Good day, Harry,” greeted Neville
Even with the punctuation, this reads as "Harry greeted Neville" at first glance. English is a subject-verb-object language, meaning that the direct object of a verb comes after the verb, so it looks as though Neville is the one being greeted rather than doing the greeting.
You can get away with "said Neville" because "to say" doesn't take a direct object, so Neville is clearly the subject. So, to cut a long story short? Use the word "said".
“May I?” asking permission to see the child;
Not quite as bad as some examples of dialogue tag redundancy I could mention, but really.
“He is mine,” announced the Chosen One.
Announced the Chosen One no less. I'll just leave this here.
“Mr. Longbottom, I do remember your un-waiving determination.
I was almost ready to take this to wrongworddammit, but definition 5 stayed my hand. It's described as obsolete, sure, but it's not technically wrong.
Harry felt the rage run through his body. They were going to coddle him. Make him into some kind of war hero. Maybe even a martyr and there was nothing Harry could do about it once Snape left his guidance. Harry weighted his options, his son needed the greasy git,
Deserving!Harry has a very limited insult vocabulary.
“Neville, I need to speak in private with the Death Eater; please leave.”
“You will NOT call him that. And CERTAINLY not in my presence,” bellowed the otherwise docile wizard.
Neville too! Everyone is a screaming maniac in this fic, and no, acknowledging that he's OOC doesn't make it any better. There are other ways of expressing anger, you know.
Neville turned around and with a soothing voice said, “I will leave, but I am hopping
... mad.
Harry looked out of the fake window with interest. Severus could not understand why, surely the kid knew it was as bogus as leprechaun gold.
In which the author realises that the Department of Buggery is hardly going to have a sweeping panoramic view of London complete with slashers trying to cop an eyeful.
Severus wanted to yell, to scream,
Along with everyone else in this fic.
“There is a condition to my marrying the likes of you.”
Severus took a deep breath; of course there was a condition. “A condition, Sir?”
“Yes, you will have to give me two more children.”
Severus contracted in horror.
A fairly unfortunate choice of words, all things considered.
“NO! Both will be conceived and born the same way Richard was: in pain.”
“Why?”
“Why? Do you really have to ask why? One for each one of the love ones you took from me. I am being pretty lenient don’t you think? I am giving you credit for my mum’s death, but you will have to repay my dad, Sirius and Dumbledore’s death.”
Again, I have to wonder whether the author has actually read the Harry Potter books. Dumbledore asked Severus to kill him, and he had nothing at all to do with Sirius' death.
“Sir, there is nothing to be done about it. A wizard’s body will simply not conceive before the two years have passed since the previous birth.”
Yet another Factoid of Plot Contrivance™! Is anyone taking notes? There'll be a test later.
“Does that mean I no longer have to whore myself?”
“YES YOU DO!” said Harry with an angered face.
Severus closed his eyes. He did not think his question merited that harsh response.
“Do not forget, the main reason I am marring you is so you do not escape your punishment. You will be my whore as long as you live under my roof.”
Ah yes, the whoring arc, just as inane as when it was first introduced. If Harry is that desperate for a shag, why does he pay the guy he hates for it unless he actually wants him? It foreshadows the "Harry finds himself falling for Severus" plot so heavy-handedly it actually counts as a spoiler in its own right.
Continued...
It's around about this point that the story starts going off the rails. And if you've read up to this point, you'll know that's saying something. An author's note informs us that she'd only planned and written thus far, and I can quite believe that she's just making it up as she goes along now.
Harry didn’t stop to knock and saw himself in.
“Hermione, you can’t allow this!” he yelled as he walked in.
If you recall, Hermione and the Weasleys OOCly decided to abandon Harry because he OOCly decided to enslave Snape. Now Harry is going to get Hermione's help because the Guides are being manipulated into marrying their slaves so that what happened to Goyle* doesn't recur. Because marriage makes everything better! It's all very convoluted, and you've seen nothing yet. This plot grows like bindweed. By the time the chapter numbers get into the thirties and forties, things are coming up that you'd completely forgotten about.
And that's about the only similarity this fic has with Harry Potter. Except for some of the character names.
(* He died in childbirth, couldn't breastfeed his kid and the kid also died, and its corpse was narmfully described as looking like a prune.)
“Mr. Potter, I would appreciate it if you knocked before entering my office. May I remind you that my knowledge and expertise are no longer at your disposal? Please leave at once,” Said the witch with cool politeness. Harry could hear the grinding of her teeth.
Everyone in the fic talks in this stilted, over-formal way, except when they're throwing the word "wank" around in polite company because the author Did Not Do The Bloody Research. Hermione is one of the few characters for which it isn't necessarily OOC, but it is when she's talking to Harry.
“Mr. Potter, I will not repeat myself, you are to exit my office at once I do not wish to discuss our decisions with you,” she said with a stern face.
Even in book 1, Hermione was never this pompous in canon.
“Look, Single, I am not here for small talk. I need to speak to Severus Snape.”
“Yes, well you and a number of others. It seems Mr. Snape is very much in demand. I hear he has five requests already and he has only been hear half and hour.”
“Five requests of marriage?”
“It is the matter at hand, is it not Mr. Potter?”
“Who would want to marry Snape?”
Let's take a look at the Uber-Pit, shall we? From the het section:
Snape/Ginny [Fics: 23]
Snape/Hermione [Fics: 1670]
Snape/Hooch [Fics: 1]
Snape/Lily [Fics: 33]
Snape/McGonagall [Fics: 2]
Snape/Molly [Fics: 2]
Snape/Sinistra [Fics: 1]
Snape/Tonks [Fics: 2]
Snape/Vector [Fics: 1]
... and the slash section:
Harry/Snape [Fics: 1317]
Snape/Draco [Fics: 28]
Snape/Dumbledore [Fics: 12]
Snape/James [Fics: 9]
Snape/Lucius [Fics: 80]
Snape/Neville [Fics: 5]
Snape/Percy [Fics: 2]
Snape/Remus [Fics: 99]
Snape/Ron [Fics: 24]
Snape/Sirius [Fics: 54]
This doesn't count unsorted fics, threesomes, or fics with Severus as part of a beta couple or paired with an OC. Meanwhile, on fanfiction.net, searching for romance fics with Severus as a listed main character gives 23,330 hits and again there'll be some Severus shipping that this search misses. So yeah, quite a few. I blame Alan Rickman.
“I would suggest a wet nurse then.”
“A what?”
“A wet nurse, Mr. Potter, when a birthing parent becomes ill or dies a wet nurse is called in to do the job.”
Yes, thank you for explaining this truly esoteric concept to us.
“Sometimes, but it is worth a shot. I am sure you do not want to end up married to a Death Eater and really Mr. Potter does it matter if the child of a death eater makes it or not? You are a young wizard…”
But he was stopped by the point of Harry’s wand digging into his throat.
“My son is mine and only mine. And YES Sir, he is well worth saving.”
Mr. Single’s eyes grew wide and he said, “Yes, of course, how foolish of me. UM… I do believe I can give you the name of some guides which have marked ones suckling their young.
This scene works. Single is such an eminently unlikeable character that it's great to see Harry (who admittedly isn't much better in this fic) giving him what for, and the author portrays Harry's concern for his son convincingly. There's also foreshadowing of the fact that, though Single is the guy tasked with repopulating the wizarding world with "Marked Ones'" babies (arse- or otherwise), there's more to it than meets the eye.
Harry could not believe what he was seeing. It was only because the contract that he had in his hand stated that the thing in front of him was Pansy Parkinson that he believed it so.
Gee, I wonder if the whole "mistreatment of Marked Ones" business is more widespread than just idiot!Harry?
“Eat; you will need it if you are going to feed two.”
“Sir does this mean you will allow me to feed my child also?” she asked giving him a sideways glance as one does when expecting retribution.
Like you do.
“Of course you can feed your child.” He could not understand why she would even ask a question like that. Who would keep a child from nourishment?
In this fic, populated as it is by loathsome bastards, even more loathsome bastards and people in blissful ignorance of all the loathsome bastardry going on around them, I'd say there's quite a few.
Even the Dursleys made sure he did not starve to death.
Because they were scared of Dumbledore.
Could he finally be rid of the greasy git?
This time, the author Did Not Do The Bloody Research in the other direction. Because "git" is a very mild insult for someone you hate as much as Harry seems to hate Severus in this fic, however utterly ludicrous his behaviour in expressing this has been.
Harry had nothing against Pansy and her suffering was digging deep into his soul. The contract in his hands went up in smoke.
At first glance, I thought this was meant literally.
Harry entered the same little room were he had acquired Snape
Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
and found that someone had magic a huge bay window in the right wall. You could see a sunny day out in the streets of London.
The POV in this fic is so hyperactive it's just jumped clean over the fourth wall. Good job the Department of Buggery didn't have a window when Harry did the "acquiring", really. Though not from the perspective of the bazillion fangirls who'd have been fighting each other for a view of the action.
Severus put the baby to his nipple and sighed with relief.
Once again I'm forced, much against my better judgement, to consider the question of whether his breasts have grown.
Richard was safe in his arms and feeding, for the present this brought unimaginable relief to the Potions Master. Harry was feeling the same sense of relief.
If you really insist on switching POV in the middle of a scene, then at least start a new paragraph. Please.
It seemed that Dennis was three month shy of his adulthood in the Wizarding World and therefore could not apply for a marriage license to a marked one.
His adulthood in the wizarding world, as opposed to all those other kinds of adulthood that would be relevant when filing for a marriage licence with the Ministry of Magic in the wizarding world. Also, Dennis seems to have picked up an idiot ball. He probably stole one of Harry's. It's not very big by the standards of this fic, but has time to grow.
This was madness, sheer madness; fools.
Madness? THIS! IS! AN OVERUSED MEME!
The forth petition was from Minerva. Harry had heard she was having a hard time replacing the greasy git.
Quite a length to go to in order to recruit a Potions Master, isn't it? Also, again "greasy git" isn't something you call a guy you hate as much as Harry hates Severus in this fic (except when he wants to shag him, of course...) - it's more like you'd describe, for instance, a least-favourite schoolteacher.
According to Neville’s Grands his time in India and China had taught her grandson ancient magic lost to the British Wizarding World.
Yay orientalism! Also, "wizarding world" isn't capitalised in the books. (ETA: And JKR spells it lowercase on her website.) I've no idea where that particular piece of fanon originated nor why it bugs me so much, but it seems all-pervasive. Even the wiki, normally quite good when it comes to keeping the fanon separate, can't make its mind up.
“Good day, Harry,” greeted Neville
Even with the punctuation, this reads as "Harry greeted Neville" at first glance. English is a subject-verb-object language, meaning that the direct object of a verb comes after the verb, so it looks as though Neville is the one being greeted rather than doing the greeting.
You can get away with "said Neville" because "to say" doesn't take a direct object, so Neville is clearly the subject. So, to cut a long story short? Use the word "said".
“May I?” asking permission to see the child;
Not quite as bad as some examples of dialogue tag redundancy I could mention, but really.
“He is mine,” announced the Chosen One.
Announced the Chosen One no less. I'll just leave this here.
“Mr. Longbottom, I do remember your un-waiving determination.
I was almost ready to take this to wrongworddammit, but definition 5 stayed my hand. It's described as obsolete, sure, but it's not technically wrong.
Harry felt the rage run through his body. They were going to coddle him. Make him into some kind of war hero. Maybe even a martyr and there was nothing Harry could do about it once Snape left his guidance. Harry weighted his options, his son needed the greasy git,
Deserving!Harry has a very limited insult vocabulary.
“Neville, I need to speak in private with the Death Eater; please leave.”
“You will NOT call him that. And CERTAINLY not in my presence,” bellowed the otherwise docile wizard.
Neville too! Everyone is a screaming maniac in this fic, and no, acknowledging that he's OOC doesn't make it any better. There are other ways of expressing anger, you know.
Neville turned around and with a soothing voice said, “I will leave, but I am hopping
... mad.
Harry looked out of the fake window with interest. Severus could not understand why, surely the kid knew it was as bogus as leprechaun gold.
In which the author realises that the Department of Buggery is hardly going to have a sweeping panoramic view of London complete with slashers trying to cop an eyeful.
Severus wanted to yell, to scream,
Along with everyone else in this fic.
“There is a condition to my marrying the likes of you.”
Severus took a deep breath; of course there was a condition. “A condition, Sir?”
“Yes, you will have to give me two more children.”
Severus contracted in horror.
A fairly unfortunate choice of words, all things considered.
“NO! Both will be conceived and born the same way Richard was: in pain.”
“Why?”
“Why? Do you really have to ask why? One for each one of the love ones you took from me. I am being pretty lenient don’t you think? I am giving you credit for my mum’s death, but you will have to repay my dad, Sirius and Dumbledore’s death.”
Again, I have to wonder whether the author has actually read the Harry Potter books. Dumbledore asked Severus to kill him, and he had nothing at all to do with Sirius' death.
“Sir, there is nothing to be done about it. A wizard’s body will simply not conceive before the two years have passed since the previous birth.”
Yet another Factoid of Plot Contrivance™! Is anyone taking notes? There'll be a test later.
“Does that mean I no longer have to whore myself?”
“YES YOU DO!” said Harry with an angered face.
Severus closed his eyes. He did not think his question merited that harsh response.
“Do not forget, the main reason I am marring you is so you do not escape your punishment. You will be my whore as long as you live under my roof.”
Ah yes, the whoring arc, just as inane as when it was first introduced. If Harry is that desperate for a shag, why does he pay the guy he hates for it unless he actually wants him? It foreshadows the "Harry finds himself falling for Severus" plot so heavy-handedly it actually counts as a spoiler in its own right.
Continued...