Betrayed Revenge Chapter 5
Last time in the Jaidenverse, Hermione became a Death Eater. Literally. I am not exaggerating in the slightest, and nor is my icon.
We join Jaiden-Sue and the crew in the aftermath of Harry and Hermione's row.
Harry stomped into the room and slammed the door; sitting on the bed he held his head in his hands.
" B-tch, "
A batch of what?
" Wow, that was amazing, " Draco, said rolling off of her.
" I know, " Jaiden told him smiling.
There is no break between this and the previous, so I am forced to conclude that Draco and Jaiden-Sue were shagging whilst Harry and Hermione were fighting in the same room. The author's descriptions leave much to be desired: a lot of the fic takes place on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue, and the structure of what is described obscures what's actually going on.
About the only positive thing I can say about the prose in Betrayed Revenge is that there are fewer "walking downstairs, he got a beer from the fridge" constructions. Whether that's because she's learned better or because there are hardly any descriptions at all I don't know.
" Yes, yes I'm fine remember your making me go to the doctor's "
" Oh yeah that's right, eh I forgot, "
The author also thinks that we have.
" What time is it? " Draco asked.
" Umm… two-thirty, " She answered.
" A.m. or p.m.? "
" A.m. why? "
" Well I am getting up, "
" Why? "
" Because I don't think I can sleep after that, "
" Well you do that, I am going to sleep, I am dead tired, "
If anyone asks me why 100% realistic dialogue is a bad idea, this is Exhibit A. I know people talk like this in real life, but it doesn't work in the written word. Unsurprisingly, How Not To Write a Novel has a section on this:
"But I want to represent life in all its mundane, stultifying detail!" you might protest. "And that's how real people speak." True, but those same people will not sit still to read it. (p. 142)
Draco nodded and leaned over and kissed her. Getting up he threw on a pair of pants
Leather ones, no doubt.
Harry proceeds to reiterate the story of what happened in the previous chapter in fully quoted dialogue twice, once for Draco's benefit and once for Jaiden-Sue's. Then Draco speaks to someone at St Mungo's via the Floo, and:
Jaiden pulled a face, " You know how I hate hospitals, "
" I know that, but I think there's something wrong, "
" You know, I don't' really want to go, "
" I know baby, I know, but I'm worried that there's something seriously wrong, " He told her with a concerned look on his face.
" Alright, alright… I'll go, but I'm not happy about it, " Jaiden told him.
"How to write dialogue" without quotes = 9,700,000 Google hits. There's really no excuse for writing like this.
" That's the spirit, " Draco said as he kissed her.
Either it's not much of a kiss, or he actually said "mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm". I think I spoke too soon about the simultaneity!fail.
As Harry laid on his bed
No section break, meaning that this is going on in the same scene.
the same images poured through his mind again and again
Reading this fic, I know that feeling only too well.
Ron his once best friend beating the hell out him,
Grammar!fail aside, I still don't know how this was supposed to have happened. Harry was as useless as Jaiden-Sue in Dark Secrets.
Green eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling in one of the rooms he and Hermione has shared only a few moments ago
Because it only took a few moments for Harry to reiterate the story of Hermione's betrayal twice.
Harry closed his eyes as tears spilled out of the corners of his eyes out of pure frustration
He was trying to read Dark Secrets and Betrayed Revenge in a single sitting.
" Why'd you do that for? "
RAGE!
" You could of just left me a note, " Jaiden said.
MORE RAGE!
" Good now leave before you're late, " She said with a grin.
The author missed the opportunity to say "your late" and complete the trifecta of my least favourite mistakes.
No, wait:
" Yes, yes I'm fine remember your making me go to the doctor's "
Noon approached faster than she would of liked, and what seemed like not time at all she apparated to St. Mungo's, she then walked to the information desk, where a few receptionists were working.
I wonder if we'll see any magical ventilators?
" Yes… um… my …fiancé made an appointment for me, " Jaiden said.
I'm pleasantly surprised that she's used "fiancé" correctly given that far better writers have used the wrong gender word by mistake. (My more cynical side says that getting a 50/50 shot right doesn't prove a thing.)
" Ah yes, here you are Spencer, Jaiden are appointment is on the fourth floor,
All your base are belong to us.
just head up there and I will page and tell them you are on your way, "
No magical ventilators, just magical pagers.
" Alright thank you, " Jaiden said then made her way to the fourth floor, entering the waiting room she took a seat, picking up a magazine with 'Witch Weekly' on the cover and a moving picture in the background.
A moving picture of what? Seriously, this is basic description!fail. It's like the unspecified book she was reading in Dark Secrets.
" Congratulations Miss. Spencer… you're pregnant, "
If you couldn't see this a mile off, then you need your head examining. I mean really. I don't think I've ever seen a pregnancy so obviously and heavy-handedly foreshadowed before, and I'm speaking as someone who used to watch soaps.
" I have the baby flu, "
" The what? " He asked confused.
" The baby flu, " She repeated, but he still was confused.
" Draco… I'm… eight weeks pregnant, "
" Y-your what? "
" I'm pregnant, " She told him again, wondering what he will say.
" Pregnant? " Draco said echoing her.
"The author's dialogue tags are redundant," said szaleniec1000 , stating that the author's dialogue tags were redundant, " and not for the first time," he added, because this wasn't for the first time.
" Created a…? "
" Yes… "
" Baby?" He said turning around.
Concluded...
We join Jaiden-Sue and the crew in the aftermath of Harry and Hermione's row.
Harry stomped into the room and slammed the door; sitting on the bed he held his head in his hands.
" B-tch, "
A batch of what?
" Wow, that was amazing, " Draco, said rolling off of her.
" I know, " Jaiden told him smiling.
There is no break between this and the previous, so I am forced to conclude that Draco and Jaiden-Sue were shagging whilst Harry and Hermione were fighting in the same room. The author's descriptions leave much to be desired: a lot of the fic takes place on the Featureless Plain of Disembodied Dialogue, and the structure of what is described obscures what's actually going on.
About the only positive thing I can say about the prose in Betrayed Revenge is that there are fewer "walking downstairs, he got a beer from the fridge" constructions. Whether that's because she's learned better or because there are hardly any descriptions at all I don't know.
" Yes, yes I'm fine remember your making me go to the doctor's "
" Oh yeah that's right, eh I forgot, "
The author also thinks that we have.
" What time is it? " Draco asked.
" Umm… two-thirty, " She answered.
" A.m. or p.m.? "
" A.m. why? "
" Well I am getting up, "
" Why? "
" Because I don't think I can sleep after that, "
" Well you do that, I am going to sleep, I am dead tired, "
If anyone asks me why 100% realistic dialogue is a bad idea, this is Exhibit A. I know people talk like this in real life, but it doesn't work in the written word. Unsurprisingly, How Not To Write a Novel has a section on this:
"But I want to represent life in all its mundane, stultifying detail!" you might protest. "And that's how real people speak." True, but those same people will not sit still to read it. (p. 142)
Draco nodded and leaned over and kissed her. Getting up he threw on a pair of pants
Leather ones, no doubt.
Harry proceeds to reiterate the story of what happened in the previous chapter in fully quoted dialogue twice, once for Draco's benefit and once for Jaiden-Sue's. Then Draco speaks to someone at St Mungo's via the Floo, and:
Jaiden pulled a face, " You know how I hate hospitals, "
" I know that, but I think there's something wrong, "
" You know, I don't' really want to go, "
" I know baby, I know, but I'm worried that there's something seriously wrong, " He told her with a concerned look on his face.
" Alright, alright… I'll go, but I'm not happy about it, " Jaiden told him.
"How to write dialogue" without quotes = 9,700,000 Google hits. There's really no excuse for writing like this.
" That's the spirit, " Draco said as he kissed her.
Either it's not much of a kiss, or he actually said "mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm". I think I spoke too soon about the simultaneity!fail.
As Harry laid on his bed
No section break, meaning that this is going on in the same scene.
the same images poured through his mind again and again
Reading this fic, I know that feeling only too well.
Ron his once best friend beating the hell out him,
Grammar!fail aside, I still don't know how this was supposed to have happened. Harry was as useless as Jaiden-Sue in Dark Secrets.
Green eyes stared blankly up at the ceiling in one of the rooms he and Hermione has shared only a few moments ago
Because it only took a few moments for Harry to reiterate the story of Hermione's betrayal twice.
Harry closed his eyes as tears spilled out of the corners of his eyes out of pure frustration
He was trying to read Dark Secrets and Betrayed Revenge in a single sitting.
" Why'd you do that for? "
RAGE!
" You could of just left me a note, " Jaiden said.
MORE RAGE!
" Good now leave before you're late, " She said with a grin.
The author missed the opportunity to say "your late" and complete the trifecta of my least favourite mistakes.
No, wait:
" Yes, yes I'm fine remember your making me go to the doctor's "
Noon approached faster than she would of liked, and what seemed like not time at all she apparated to St. Mungo's, she then walked to the information desk, where a few receptionists were working.
I wonder if we'll see any magical ventilators?
" Yes… um… my …fiancé made an appointment for me, " Jaiden said.
I'm pleasantly surprised that she's used "fiancé" correctly given that far better writers have used the wrong gender word by mistake. (My more cynical side says that getting a 50/50 shot right doesn't prove a thing.)
" Ah yes, here you are Spencer, Jaiden are appointment is on the fourth floor,
All your base are belong to us.
just head up there and I will page and tell them you are on your way, "
No magical ventilators, just magical pagers.
" Alright thank you, " Jaiden said then made her way to the fourth floor, entering the waiting room she took a seat, picking up a magazine with 'Witch Weekly' on the cover and a moving picture in the background.
A moving picture of what? Seriously, this is basic description!fail. It's like the unspecified book she was reading in Dark Secrets.
" Congratulations Miss. Spencer… you're pregnant, "
If you couldn't see this a mile off, then you need your head examining. I mean really. I don't think I've ever seen a pregnancy so obviously and heavy-handedly foreshadowed before, and I'm speaking as someone who used to watch soaps.
" I have the baby flu, "
" The what? " He asked confused.
" The baby flu, " She repeated, but he still was confused.
" Draco… I'm… eight weeks pregnant, "
" Y-your what? "
" I'm pregnant, " She told him again, wondering what he will say.
" Pregnant? " Draco said echoing her.
"The author's dialogue tags are redundant," said szaleniec1000 , stating that the author's dialogue tags were redundant, " and not for the first time," he added, because this wasn't for the first time.
" Created a…? "
" Yes… "
" Baby?" He said turning around.
Click to viewConcluded...