Line 49 (Chapter 11)
Title: Line 49
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 8,895
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
A/N:
Hey, sorry about how late this is. There was a storm here so I was without internet all weekend ;; I'm sorry! Anyway, hope you like this~
There were too many things to think about as she walked to the bus stop, too many both good and bad things to go through, so she tried not to think too much. There were things, though, that she couldn't help thinking about.
If Hyoyeon would reject her, she was sure they could work past it and spend the night together without awkwardness; they'd been through enough in the short time they'd known each other for that. She wasn't very nervous about that, even though she of course knew that Hyoyeon rejecting her would be devastating. As long as they could still be friends, it would be alright.
And what if Hyoyeon liked her back? They could be spending their first night together as a couple tonight - or at least as two people who liked each other. The thought almost made her see stars.
She needed a perfect beginning of the night, something that would make Hyoyeon happy to see her, if Sooyoung herself was not enough. After a few moments of contemplating where she was walking, Sooyoung stopped by a house with a big garden, and some white flowers that she didn't at all know the name of caught her eyes. She sneaked into the garden shamelessly and picked the flowers one by one, but left some for kindness sake. She wanted to think that would justify it.
Flowers in hand, she hurried on along the road, and when she checked the time, she realized the flower-picking had made her five minute behind schedule. Not wanting Hyoyeon to arrive alone, she picked up her pace and ran the last part of the way.
The bus station at night was never a pleasant experience, as it was the most populated hangout for drug addicts, homeless and drunks. They loved the waiting room at night, and they rarely bothered anybody but each other, but they still made Sooyoung nervous whenever she needed to be alone near them.
But not tonight. Tonight she only had one worry, and that was whether or not Hyoyeon would like the flowers.
She arrived at the bus station five minutes late, and found the streets completely empty. The lights in the windows of the waiting room told her that there were people in there, but Sooyoung doubted very strongly that Hyoyeon would go in there with the homeless people. She probably hadn't arrived yet, Sooyoung reasoned, because when do buses ever come on time? She'd just have to wait a while, and Hyoyeon would be there soon. Yes.
She thought so until she walked past the waiting room and saw Hyoyeon's bus stand there, the numbers on the top in shining green, unyieldingly telling her that Hyoyeon should already be there. Not sure what to think, Sooyoung ran over to the waiting room, pulled the door open and was faced by the smell of alcohol. But as she looked in, she saw some familiar old men's faces, but not Hyoyeon.
She let the door fall closed and walked back out into the fresh but cold air, fishing up her phone from her pocket with her free hand. She opened her call list, and hurriedly called Hyoyeon again, anxiousness rising in her chest with every second.
But the call went directly to Hyoyeon's voicemail, and it didn't even give her Hyoyeon's message, but a computerized voice welcoming her to the number's voice mail. Sooyoung's heart sank, but she called the number again, not wanting to accept the truth. No, something had just gone wrong with the call, so she definitely needed to try again.
The same thing happened again, and Sooyoung lowered her phone in despair. Had Hyoyeon really ditched her and turned off her phone? Or was it something worse?
She decided to take a walk around the entire station; maybe she was somewhere around there and her phone was just out of battery. That could be the reason, you could never really know.
When she still didn't find her, she realized Hyoyeon knew where she lived, and therefore might have just walked there when Sooyoung was late. A little voice in Sooyoung's head told her that if that was the case, they would have met up on the way, but she ignored it. Maybe... Somehow...
Sooyoung held on to that possibility all the way home, just praying with her entire being that when she arrived at her apartment, Hyoyeon would be standing outside, angry at her for taking so long and asking her where she had been.
But she wasn't there, and Sooyoung wasn't surprised. She was getting so tired she didn't know how to think properly anymore, having been awake for way more than twenty four hours by now, but eventually, she came to the conclusion that she had to accept the truth.
The bus station wasn't that big. The road home wasn't so long. There were only so many places Hyoyeon could have gotten lost in, and that didn't seem very likely. No, Hyoyeon had blown her off, and turned off her phone to really get the message across. Could it really be like that?
Sooyoung tried to call one last time, but again, the computer voice of the other girl's voicemail greeted her. She already hated that damn voice.
She hid the flowers behind her back when she entered the apartment again, not wanting her mother to see them.
"Where's your friend?" she said when Sooyoung came inside and just headed for her room.
"Something came up," she replied dismissively.
She placed the flowers on the piano and stared at them bitterly. What had gotten into her? What had made her so hopeful that maybe herself and Hyoyeon could work things out and - god, she had even considered the possibility of the two of them becoming a couple that night - what was her problem? How could she have thought such a ridiculous thing? What made her act that way?
But, she realized, it was Hyoyeon. Hyoyeon was what made her so hopeful and silly and foolish. It was also Hyoyeon who made her so down, so distressed, Hyoyeon who was the reason why she sat down heavily on her bed with an ungodly weight on her shoulders - Hyoyeon was the reason for everything.
How could that be?
Taeyeon had wanted to call back to Line 49 almost since the day after her last call, but it had proven almost impossible to find a time where her mother left the apartment for more than two minutes. If she did, she seemed to make sure to do it when Taeyeon was at school or out with her friends, so Taeyeon had barely had any time alone in the apartment.
But she ached to talk to Stephanie again, more for every moment she spent in Tiffany's company. She wasn't sure what she wanted, though; for Stephanie to give her a cure, to help her fall out of love with Tiffany, or help her win her over. If any of the two was even possible.
When her mother went out for an evening walk, Taeyeon jumped at the opportunity and didn't give herself any time to be nervous, but just dug out the number to Line 49 from the bottom of her nightstand drawer, hidden beneath coins and stray papers. She used the home phone; a black, wireless, outdated thing that stood in its spot on her nightstand.
When the signals rang in her ear, and she flopped onto her back on her bed, just like last time, she realized she really had no idea what she wanted to talk about, but it didn't matter right then. She just needed somebody. And Stephanie was definitely a good somebody.
"Line 49, this is Junsu," said a voice that only haunted Taeyeon in her waken nightmares, and she choked on a breath. In the panicked memory of her humiliation, she was a millisecond away from hanging up the phone, but stopped herself in the last moment, thinking to herself that Junsu wouldn't remember her voice. He must get a lot of calls a day, and Taeyeon's voice sure wasn't anything that left a big imprint.
"Is Stephanie available?" she asked numbly, feeling a little pang of pride at the tiny puddle of courage she had mustered.
"One moment," Junsu said, and the line went silent. Taeyeon shot up a look to the ceiling and thought, world, why are you testing me?
A few moments passed, and then her voice sounded, rich and bright and her mere greeting was enough to put Taeyeon a little more at ease. "Line 49, this is Stephanie."
"Hi, Stephanie," Taeyeon replied, "It's Taeyeon, I don't know if you remember me, but I called-"
"Of course I remember you," Stephanie cut her off. Taeyeon smiled. "How have you been?"
"Uh," Taeyeon began, not really knowing what to say. "Okay, I suppose."
"I guess we never really got to talking about what your life is like last time," Stephanie continued. "So let's just start over."
"O-okay," Taeyeon said, glad that she didn't have to carry the conversation.
"So how are things?"
Taeyeon sat up, wondering what to answer. "I don't know. They're okay, I guess."
"Are they?" Stephanie questioned. Taeyeon stared at her nails.
"Mostly," she said. "I mean, despite me being... you know, closeted and in denial, I would be fine with it if I didn't have to worry so much."
"What do you worry about?" Stephanie pried on, but she didn't sound worried. Somehow, it was a big relief to Taeyeon.
"The future," Taeyeon said after a short pause.
"What about the future?" Stephanie asked, and Taeyeon had to laugh a little at her string of questions.
She shied away, though, from even thinking about the answer, even though she knew clear and well what it was. It was the biggest worry she had, the question that was the closest to her heart. The thought of voicing it seemed so far out of her reach that the words got tangled up in each other, and she ended up saying nothing more than "I don't know".
"It's okay, you don't have to answer all of my questions if you don't want to," Stephanie replied with a laugh. "I can get that some of them must be hard." Taeyeon said nothing, but a part of her wanted to tell Stephanie that no, it wasn't her questions that were hard, it was Taeyeon's own answers that were. "I have to ask this, though," Stephanie continued, "what would you say your life has been like so far?"
"Was that question supposed to be easier?" Taeyeon said, and they both laughed. Taeyeon's mind felt strangely light when she thought back over the past few years, and it seemed to her that not much had changed. She had realized her own gayness, but it hadn't changed much. She had mostly always lived in the same fashion. "I don't know, really..." she repeated, but since she was actually planning on answering this one, she hurried on before Tiffany could ask her a new one. "It's been fine. I mean, I've done fine in school, I've gotten along fine with my mother, I was pretty fine even when my parents got divorced, since that meant they'd stop fighting all the time."
"How often do you see your father?"
Taeyeon shrugged a little to herself. "I don't know, a few times a year, maybe. I don't really know him."
"Okay. What do you think he'd say if you told him about you?" Stephanie asked carefully.
"He probably wouldn't like it much," Taeyeon replied, feeling oddly calm at the thought. "But it doesn't matter, cause I don't care much about his opinion."
Stephanie seemed to accept her answer without questioning her emotional detachment from her father. "Alright," she said. "So you say your life has been 'just fine' in the past."
"Mhm," Taeyeon agreed, feeling so calm it almost disturbed her. It almost bordered on boredom.
"Has there been anything in your life that was more than just fine?" she continued, and Taeyeon didn't need to think about the answer.
"My friends," she said instantly. "I've always had these three friends... It's always been the four of us, through all my life."
"Ah," Stephanie said knowingly. "That's great. But they don't know about you, do they?"
"No," Taeyeon admitted. "But that's not their fault, I'm the one who hasn't told them." She felt inclined to defend her friends, and felt herself become a little angry as Stephanie seemed to be on the verge of attacking them.
"Alright," Stephanie said quickly, probably sensing the change in Taeyeon and understanding that suggesting anything negative about her friends was not an option.
"Or, on second thought," Taeyeon said, remembering something, "one of them might know. Her name is Sunny. She gave me the number here, to 49, one day, without saying anything. So she at least suspects something."
"Really?" Stephanie said warmly. "She sounds perceptive, Sunny."
"I guess she must be," Taeyeon agreed slowly.
"But you don't have any thoughts of telling her?"
Taeyeon stretched her aching back, wanting to say yes, if only for Sunny's sake, but knowing it was a lie. "No, I don't."
"Okay. Do you have a best friend in the group?" Stephanie asked, and Taeyeon smiled widely.
"Yes, I do, her name is Sooyoung," she said, affection for her best friend overwhelming her immediately. It always did when she talked to other people about her; there was nobody in this world she loved more than Sooyoung.
"And she doesn't know about you either?" Stephanie said, and Taeyeon saw red again.
"No, but again, that's only because I haven't told her. And if she suspects something, she hasn't said anything about it."
"Don't you want her to know?" Stephanie asked.
Taeyeon pressed her lips together. The thought left her with mixed emotions. "In some ways yes, in other ways no."
"In what ways don't you want her to know?"
Taeyeon lay down on the bed again, unable to keep her back straight without support anymore. She stared out the window, stared at the still light under the lamp posts, wondering for a moment how much longer she'd have before her mother would come back home. "I guess I'm scared of change," she said.
"Hm," Stephanie said thoughtfully. "You think she'd become... afraid of you if she knew?"
"No, I don't think she would," Taeyeon said. "I'm just scared she would."
"I see."
"She's..." Taeyeon hesitated, "she's not even straight herself. She's bi, so she isn't a homophobe."
"But isn't that great?" Stephanie questioned. "Shouldn't that make it easier for you to tell her, knowing that she's not going to judge you?"
Taeyeon thought intensely. "Lately, I've had these moments... Just sitting with her, talking, and I've felt this really strong urge to just... tell her. Just blurt it out like I'm telling her what's for dinner, but I never do." She took a deep breath. "Either way, it's way too early to be thinking about telling anybody," she said firmly. "I'm not even sure I've accepted it myself, and I don't know if I even want to."
Stephanie kept silent for a second. "I'm gonna give another one of my nice and easy questions now," she warned. "Why do you think it's so hard for you to accept yourself?"
Taeyeon clenched her teeth. The thought was much too complicated for her to even sort it out in her head. "I don't know, I guess I still find it kind of... unnatural," she said awkwardly, painfully aware of the possibility of Stephanie being gay.
"Is it really that?" Stephanie asked. "Or is there something else that you're not telling me?"
And for some reason that Taeyeon wasn't clear on herself, the sincere curiosity in Stephanie's voice made her will the words to find their order and come out. "I think," she said carefully and very slowly, "that if I accept... myself... and I come to terms with the fact that I am... what I am... then there's no going back. Then I can't change myself." She still had to censor the words she was trying to say, but this time it felt more like a habit than anything else.
Stephanie didn't say anything for a while, seemingly contemplating her words. Taeyeon wondered what it was about the other girl that made it so easy for Taeyeon to spill her guts to her, when she couldn't even do it to Sooyoung or Sunny. Was it just the fact that they didn't know each other?
"You can't change yourself," Stephanie said at last. "No matter what you do, you can't change yourself. This is who you are, Taeyeon." The words hit Taeyeon like a sledgehammer, and she found herself unable to speak. They rang true when they were said with Stephanie's firm tone, but was it really definite? Irrevocable? "The way I see it is that you have two options," Stephanie continued. "You can keep your thoughts about changing yourself, and fight your own sexuality for the rest of your life, which will probably have you emotionally exhausted and depressed during the times you are honest with yourself. Or, you can try to accept yourself, believe in yourself and who you truly are, find somebody to love and find yourself a happy ever after. And you won't need helplines like Line 49, you won't need to wait until your mother leaves home before you tell somebody the truth about you."
Taeyeon stared at the bright spot under the lamp post again. In her mind, she saw little flakes of white snow dance towards the ground, and it calmed her.
"You're right," she said.
"I'm not saying accepting yourself is so easy," Stephanie continued enthusiastically, energized by Taeyeon's admission, "but in the end, it's always what's best for you. It's the first step."
Taeyeon couldn't bring herself to say anything. Her stomach was aching in time with her pulse, and she felt like somebody had put glasses on her face after a lifetime of bad sight.
"Anyway, I'm going slightly off topic," Stephanie said, taking a deep breath.
Taeyeon laughed. "That was really great for someone who's off topic," she said, and Stephanie laughed with her.
"We were talking about your life in the past," Stephanie said thoughtfully. "Now I'd like to know how your life has changed during the past month."
"Why would you think my life has changed?" Taeyeon frowned.
"Because you chose to call here. Something must have happened," Stephanie said pointedly, and Taeyeon nodded to herself.
"The school I went to was combined with two other schools in our city," she explained without much thought. "Our group went from four friends to nine friends, and I guess that's a big change."
"How do you mean?" Stephanie asked.
Taeyeon gave a short laugh. "They're all... different." She hesitated for a moment before telling Stephanie something that'd been buried deep in her mind ever since the school year had begun. "There's, uhm... there's this girl-girl couple now, in our group."
"Oh," Stephanie said. "So how do you feel, seeing them every day?"
Taeyeon laughed again. "Well, until just five minutes ago I thought I'd been feeling icky, but now I know that it's..." She stopped herself and rolled over on her other side, staring at the door and her back facing the window.
"It's what?" Stephanie asked quietly.
"It's everything I want." It was said in a breath, and to Taeyeon it felt like she had breathed out pure pain. "That's why seeing them together has bothered me so much... because they have what I want."
Silence fell, and Taeyeon was glad there was no new question to answer. Her head was already spinning with everything she had heard - and said - during the night, and she really wanted to crawl into bed and think it through. She stared at the clock above her door, and it told her it was a little past nine - that was an acceptable time for an eighteen year old girl to go to bed, right?
"You said you'd met this girl you like," Stephanie said. Taeyeon jerked in surprise when she spoke. "Is she also in your group?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said absently, the thought of Tiffany suddenly feeling very blurred and foreign. "But I can't think of her right now. Actually, I think I need to go to bed... you've completely blown my mind."
Stephanie laughed. "Well, I'm glad, if so. It's a good thing, right?"
"It is," Taeyeon agreed a bit reluctantly. "I have a lot to think of now."
"Until next time, then, Taeyeon," Stephanie said brightly. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said, sitting up. She was just about to say her goodbyes when a question struck her. "Wait!" she hurried before Stephanie hung up.
"What?"
"How do I..." she tried, but the thought was too quick for her words, and she didn't know how to voice it. She sighed. "Do you have any advice... to accept myself easier."
"Hm..." Stephanie mused.
"I mean, what you said earlier was a big help, but just... more things. Are there any?" Taeyeon asked, feeling a little stupid at her question, but definitely needing to know.
"I think you should ask that lesbian couple you hang out with," Stephanie said, and Taeyeon immediately frowned. "They obviously have the experience, I mean. And if you want to talk to somebody who you don't know so well, I think you should arrange to meet up with somebody, like on a blind date. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic, just to talk and exchange stories, you know? Or, if you do want romance, then an actual blind date."
Taeyeon's legs went wobbly at the thought, even though she was sitting down. "Uh, okay," she said, mouth dry. "I'll think about it."
"Okay," Stephanie laughed at her nervousness. "I hope to hear from you again, Taeyeon."
"You most probably will," Taeyeon replied, wide-eyed still from the thought of a date. "Good night."
"Night, Taeyeon."
- 12 -
Even if Sooyoung would have slept more than two hours the following night, she was so emotionally exhausted that it probably wouldn't have helped much. Instead, she lay on her bed, scornfully staring at her lyric sheet on top of the piano on the other side of the room. Around midnight she actually tried to go to sleep, but the mixture of hurt and anger at Hyoyeon for ditching her made it impossible for her to get any rest.
When the alarm woke her up at 6:30 in the morning, she felt so disoriented she didn't even know where she was for a second. It felt like she had closed her eyes for a maximum of ten minutes, how could it already be time to get up? Her common sense screamed at her to go back to bed and tried to pull her down into the warm sheets, but she ignored it. Even though sleeping two hours in two nights was a good enough reason to stay home from school in her mind, she needed to go. She needed so see Hyoyeon, no matter how tired she felt. She could even go home after having spoken to her and found out why the other girl did what she did, just as long as they got to talk.
The first thing she did after shaking some of the tiredness out of her head, was launch at her phone, checking for any sign of life from Hyoyeon, but was only greeted by disappointment. No missed calls. No new texts. So she decided to send one herself.
Recipient: Hyo
Sender: Sooyoung
What happened last night, Hyo? Why didn't you come, and why did you turn off your phone? I can't believe you'd do that..
Knowing that the other girl might not even be awake yet, she set off preparing herself for a school day that was going to be very, very long.
Sooyoung was usually one of the last to arrive to school, since she lived so close and didn't need to be there very early. But that day, she was one of the first of her friends. Only Taeyeon, Tiffany and Sunny had arrived and Sooyoung couldn't hide her impatience. Her heart was beating uncomfortably, and there was a heavy, sour feeling in her stomach that she couldn't quite explain. Something like fear, hurt and anger all wrapped up into one.
Seohyun arrived next, and then Yoona. No sign of Hyoyeon.
They sat, as usual, by the senior girls' lockers, and Sooyoung was glad, since that meant she couldn't possibly miss the other girl when she arrived.
"Did anyone hear from Hyoyeon last night?" she asked the other girls as the clock ticked closer to the first class of the day. The other girls all shook their heads.
"Weren't you supposed to meet up with her last night?" Sunny said without looking at Sooyoung. She looked nauseous, ill, almost green, and Sooyoung remembered for the first time that morning the call she had received from her the night before.
"I was," Sooyoung nodded, "but she never showed up. And she turned off her phone... I'm starting to get worried." She yawned, stretching her arms and hearing her limbs crack. The other girls stared at her, wide-eyed.
"So she blew you off?" Yoona said. "Wow. Did not see that one coming."
Sooyoung gave her a small glare. "Since I can't reach her, I can't know for sure," she said sourly. "But it seems so, yeah."
"I can try calling her for you if you like," Tiffany offered, holding up her phone. "I mean... if she's... avoiding you or something," she glanced apologetically at Sooyoung, "then she'd still answer my call... I mean, if you're worried or so."
Sooyoung glanced at the clock on her phone, and it told her the first class was going to start in about ten minutes. Hyoyeon should have been there at least twenty minutes ago, according to Taeyeon. She sighed in gratitude towards Tiffany. "Thank you, that'd be really helpful," she said, rubbing her eyes. If Hyoyeon answered Tiffany's call, then that made it definite. She was really trying to make Sooyoung get the hint.
"Did you even sleep at all last night?" Taeyeon asked, grabbing the taller girl's chin and forcing her to look into her eyes. Sooyoung shook her head as well as she could in the other girl's grip.
"About two hours. And not at all the night before."
Taeyeon let go of her chin, but didn't let her worried eyes leave her face for a second. "Look, maybe you should go home and get some sleep," she reasoned, "you won't get anything done here in this state anyway. I can come over and study with you later, if you'd like."
Affection and gratitude to her best friend welled up like a friendly tsunami, and the suggestion felt so much more inviting than any other at that moment. Still, she knew that if she went home without knowing how things were with Hyoyeon, she wouldn't get any sleep anyway, so she shook her head sadly. "I have to know..." she said and glanced over at Tiffany who was busy finding Hyoyeon's number in her phone. "I can't go home without knowing."
Taeyeon followed her gaze towards Tiffany, who had just pressed 'call' and lifted the phone up to her ear, and she didn't argue. "Okay," she said.
"It went to her voicemail," Tiffany said after a few seconds, lowering her phone and staring wide-eyed at Sooyoung.
"It- it was off?" Sooyoung asked, not knowing if she was relieved or even more worried than before. That meant she wasn't just dodging Sooyoung's calls, but her phone was completely turned off... and why was that?
"Something must have happened," Taeyeon said quietly, and the words sent a shiver of cold down Sooyoung's spine.
"Let's not jump to any conclusions," Seohyun said patiently. "Maybe she's sick, or maybe she overslept." Yeah, that's easy for you to think, Sooyoung thought, when you don't know that she has a violent father who likes to beat on her every now and again. She stared at Tiffany, who looked as worried as Sooyoung herself felt, and she wondered if the older girl knew.
"Let's... let's just wait until lunch time before we get too worried," Tiffany said slowly. "She might come in late."
Yoona, Seohyun and Taeyeon all looked confused as to why Tiffany and Sooyoung would be so worried about Hyoyeon missing a day in school, but the other two stared at each other in silent understanding. Sunny looked like she was far away, in a whole other unpleasant world.
Jessica and Yuri arrived together only a few minutes before class started, and the girls all knew that was probably more because of Jessica than because of Yuri.
Sunny's entire stomach turned when she saw the two come walking hand in hand down the corridor, Yuri more or less dragging her girlfriend behind her. Yuri looked energized and happy as always, but Jessica looked... more or less exactly like Sunny felt. They greeted like always, though Sunny and Jessica didn't look at each other as they said their helloes, and when Yuri tried to make her way over to sit down beside Sunny, Jessica pulled her the other way with all her might, stating that they needed to get to class.
Her words were met with indistinct mumbles of dejection, and soon they were all heading in their own directions. The seniors walked in a line, with Jessica and Sunny on opposite ends - Tiffany, Taeyeon and Yuri walked between them, and three people didn't seem like enough to separate the two.
Sunny wished with all her might that Jessica would have just come to school the day before, when she had felt carefree and confident. Now she just felt like a traitor, and nothing else than a traitor.
Seohyun, Yoona and Sooyoung walked down another corridor, and soon Seohyun parted ways with them to get to geography class.
"Where's Sungmin?" Sooyoung said when she pulled her head out of the Hyoyeon-void long enough to realize that seeing Yoona outside of class was unusual.
"He’s coming in later," Yoona said. "So I guess we both got more or less stood up today." She turned to smile at the taller girl, who did her outmost to smile back, but failed miserably. "Are you alright?" she asked as they reached the door to the classroom.
Sooyoung shook her head, but said nothing as they entered the room, ignoring Yoona's looks of worry.
Recipient: Hyo
Sender: Sooyoung
Look, if you don't wanna see me, just say so, I promise I won't be mad. I'm starting to get worried so just please give me a sign of life here
Two classes where Sooyoung could do nothing but stare out at the cloudy sky outside the windows passed, and not once did her phone ring. Not once did a text come through. The clouds were gathering outside and the day was getting darker, and Sooyoung couldn't help but feel the same.
Her palms were sweating, she was so worried. She knew it might be an overreaction, but what if it wasn't? What if something had actually happened to Hyoyeon, and Sooyoung was just sitting in school waiting to hear from her?
Deciding that Tiffany was her best chance of figuring anything out right then, she found the senior girls before they had a chance to leave for the cafeteria. Taeyeon, Tiffany and Sunny were laughing together while Jessica and Yuri were walking behind them, apparently deep in conversation. Sooyoung stormed up to Tiffany, interrupting their laughter without a care in the world.
"I want to go to Hyoyeon's home," she stated plainly, and the three looked up at her, all with matching looks of fear in their eyes.
"Let's not do anything hasty," Sunny said, walking up to her and putting a hand on her arm. Sooyoung realized her tired eyes must look hysterical, maybe even insane, but she didn't care. She was about to become desperate, and she needed an answer. She couldn't wait any longer, or she would actually go crazy.
"Do you know where she lives?" she asked Tiffany, who was the only one who looked understanding of Sooyoung's intensity.
She nodded slowly. "I think I still have her address written down in my phone since I visited her," she said, reaching down into her pocket to fish it out. Sunny and Taeyeon stared at her like she was equally crazy.
"Look, Sooyoung," Taeyeon said carefully. "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but if she did ditch you... do you really think it's a good idea to go over there right now?"
"I'm starting to think she didn't ditch me," Sooyoung replied, wanting to badly to explain to her best friend what was going on. "I think something bad has happened, and I think I have to go there."
"Found it," Tiffany said, and held up her phone for Sooyoung to see, so the tallest could copy what it said into her own. "I used the GPS to get there last time, she really lives out in the forest."
"So how do I get there?" Sooyoung said, impatient but thankful to Tiffany for helping her.
"You take bus 37, and you ride it for about half an hour until you get to Meander Road. Use the GPS from there, otherwise you'll get lost," Tiffany said with a small laugh.
"Wait, guys..." Sunny said in confusion. "Aren't you being a bit..."
"No," Sooyoung cut her off. Sunny just stared at her. "Thank you, Tiffany, I'll see you guys later."
"Good luck," Tiffany said, and Sooyoung turned around and ran out the door, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.
As Sooyoung disappeared around the corner, Yuri left Jessica's side, quickly running up to Tiffany's side to get an update on the situation. Jessica was about to follow when Sunny grabbed her arm and started pulling her away.
"Let's talk," she said quietly. They ran down the stone staircase down to the basement, knowing it was off limits, and loving it because of that.
The two had barely looked at each other all day, and they hadn't spoken since the beach night. Jessica had thought she was mad at Sunny, mad for bringing out the absolute worst in her, but now that she had her close and they were alone, she couldn't help but feel a little excited. They arrived down in the basement, but kept running for a minute, rounding dark corners, the excitement increasing as they could never know what lay behind the next bend. The walls were white, but the floor was a very nauseating mixture of red and pink. Whoever chose the design for it must have had a concussion, Jessica thought to herself.
They arrived at a dead end in the corridor, and they came to a halt. There was a white door beside it, and Sunny pulled at the handle, only to find it locked. Jessica leaned her back against the wall, panting slightly, trying to seem indifferent but not being able to if she didn't look away from the other girl's face.
Standing opposite each other, they both stared at each other's feet. "So," Sunny said after an awkward second, and they both looked up at each other at the same time. "Hi."
Jessica laughed nervously, and Sunny looked at her in surprise before joining in.
"I think we have to talk," she continued, looking away again, "about what happened that night."
"Do we have to?" Jessica said, not knowing herself exactly what she meant. Sunny looked up at her, trying to read her expression, and Jessica couldn't help but love it. What was going on with her?
"I'd say so," Sunny replied, obviously nervous. "You kissed me." Jessica's heartbeat sped up. "I can't just pretend that never happened."
"Me neither." Jessica watched as Sunny swallowed heavily and tried to repress an anxious smile. It was the cutest thing she'd ever seen.
"Do you like me?" Sunny asked then, her voice shaking a little. Jessica smiled.
"I do like you," she admitted, surprised at how easily the words came out. In the next moment, she remembered Yuri for the first time, upstairs right now, probably wondering where she had disappeared to. This thing with Sunny, and seeing how utterly adorable and flustered Jessica could make her, was all good fun, but it would never lead to anything. Jessica would never break up with Yuri. Leading her on was cruel, she supposed, and she needed to stop.
Sunny stared at her with big eyes, and Jessica could see the hopelessness and impending disappointment in them. "But..?" Sunny said, knowing what was coming.
"I have a girlfriend," Jessica replied, trying to force the excitement out of her body, trying to will her mind to not see Sunny as so damn beautiful. It was less effective than it had been so far. "I said that on the beach night, and I still mean it. We can't do this. You understand that, right?"
Nodding, Sunny searched her face seriously. "Except..." she said, and Jessica felt her stomach turn, "there must be a reason why you kissed me."
"Whatever reason I had," Jessica began after thinking over her words for a moment, "it doesn't matter. I am taken." They looked at each other, Sunny with a pleading look that held both understanding and desperate regret, and Jessica with eyes that told of both longing and something resembling fear. The taller of the two took a deep breath. "You saved my life."
Sunny scoffed. "It sounds so dramatic when you say it like that," she said, rolling her eyes a little. "It was just what anyone would have done."
Jessica shook her head. "If you hadn't been there, I could have been dead by now." The shorter girl glared at her, not able to take in the praise, seemingly wishing Jessica would just hurry up if she was going to blow her off. "The things I felt... after you saved me," Jessica continued, blushing slightly at the thought, remembering the feeling of complete safety in Sunny's arms. "It confused me. That's why I kissed you."
"What did you feel?" Sunny asked, a new hope glistening in her eyes. Jessica gave her a sad look.
"It doesn't matter anymore," she said simply, but Sunny inched closer to her.
"It matters to me."
Jessica watched the other girl slowly come closer, and butterflies awoke in her stomach. She let her body relax against the wall, waiting for Sunny to touch her, not knowing whether or not she wanted her to. "You make me feel safe," she said.
"And you make me feel like I'm about to die all the time," Sunny replied, smiling a little and tilting her head, her eyes unusually shiny.
Sunny had come very close now, her fingers making their way up along the buttons of Jessica's white blouse. Jessica fought to keep her breathing steady, her entire body pulsating. "So let's end it," she breathed. "So you won't have to feel that way anymore."
Sunny froze in her movements, staring into Jessica's dark eyes. "I can't stay away from you," she said quietly. Jessica almost let out a gasp as Sunny's fingers trailed higher again, feeling so wanted, more than she had in a long time, and wanting Sunny so badly she feared her hands would start shaking if she were to use them. She tried to meet Sunny's gaze. "Can you stay away from me?"
Everything in her mind gave a huge, resounding NO at the question, and Sunny's hands reached the collar of her blouse, grabbing it and pulling herself even closer, and warm waves of want shot through Jessica's body. "We can't do this," she whispered, mainly for her own sake, to be able to feel like she had tried to stop it from happening afterwards, knowing that Sunny would not listen, and knowing that she couldn't obey her mind's instructions right then.
"Give me a chance to change your mind," Sunny breathed, now against her lips, standing on her toes. She let go of the collar again and her hands trailed down Jessica's chest, and that was enough. Their lips met, moving against each other in a need that Jessica hadn't felt in such a long time, lips quivering with want and straining not to let any desperate moans and gasps out.
The guilt would come later. Right then, she didn't care, and she assumed that neither did Sunny. Did that make them evil? She didn't know. All that mattered right then was the smell of Sunny's perfume, faint but sweet and warm.
Forty-five minutes later, Sooyoung found herself standing at Meander road, looking around in confusion. The GPS on her phone was on, and it told her that she needed to walk about four hundred meters along the deserted road the bus had left her on. Forest lined it on both sides, and there was only one house visible from where she was standing, a red, wooden house with a very old look about it. She took a deep breath before walking in the direction her phone suggested.
She was terrified at what might face her in Hyoyeon's home. She hoped with everything she had that her father would be at work, or anywhere but home, because even though she found it unlikely he would do anything to someone who wasn't Hyoyeon, she was still afraid of him.
And she hated him. She hated him for ever laying a hand on Hyoyeon, hated him for the way he messed with her emotions. The way he made her shut Sooyoung out and push her away because she was too scared to trust anybody. She hated him for everything.
Even so, if finding Hyoyeon meant she had to find him, she would gladly do so, a thousand times over.
When she had walked for about three hundred meters, she was starting to think her GPS was a little confused - apart from the road there was no sign of civilization there - but eventually she could make out another red house placed among the trees. It was about the same size as Tiffany's, and on the yard stood three cars, one that looked new and functional, and two which were rusty with the hoods up. Beyond them was a swing set with two red, plastic swings. One of the ropes on the left swing had snapped, and it hung into the grass below like a dead snake.
A door in soggy white faced the road, and after a quick confirmation with the GPS, Sooyoung knew she had reached the house Hyoyeon and her father lived in. She stuffed her phone into her jacket pocket and half-ran up to the house; the run from her school to the bus station had tired her out greatly, despite the short distance.
Her hands started to shake when she walked up the last hill of the gravel road and the white door appeared closer and closer. The relief of finally finding out was so close, but there was alarm going off in the back of her head - if something had happened to her, this was the last minute she'd spend without knowing about it.
She knocked firmly on the door three times, and thought numbly to herself that it really needed to be repainted. Steps could be heard immediately, and she saw movement in one of the windows to the left of the door. She held her breath.
A man with only a thin ring of white hair on his head opened the door. He was wearing black jogging pants and a grey t-shirt that strained over his big stomach, and he frowned as he held up his hand to shield himself from the sunlight. Hyoyeon's father.
Anger flared up in Sooyoung at the mere sight of him.
"Hi," Sooyoung said, forcing herself to pull herself together. "Does Hyoyeon live here?"
"What?" the man said, his voice hoarse. Sooyoung suspected he'd not been awake for long.
"I'm a friend of hers," she continued. "Is she here?"
He lowered his hand and scanned Sooyoung from top to toe, still frowning. "No, she isn't here."
Sooyoung's body went cold. "Where is she?" she asked, trying to not sound too accusing.
"Hell if I know," Hyoyeon's father replied, leaning against the doorframe. "She said she was going to a friend's last night, and she left, so that's most likely where she is." He took a step inside the hallway, as if to shut the door in Sooyoung's face. Sooyoung panicked.
"You're lying," she said, and he froze in his actions.
"Excuse me?" he said, immediately angry.
Sooyoung took a step back, breathing harshly. "She was supposed to come see me, but she never showed up. Where is she?"
"Like I said, I don't know. She left, and that's all I know." He moved to shut the door again, faster this time.
"You hurt her, didn't you?" Sooyoung yelled out. The man gave her a furious look through big, shocked eyes, and he took a few steps towards her. Sooyoung stumbled three steps down the wooden stairs that led up to the door, terrified now, prepared to turn around and run for all she was worth.
"Did she tell you that?" he yelled, spit flying out of his mouth. "Did she say I hit her?"
Sooyoung fought for her breath. "Some things don't need to be said," she mumbled. "Those bruises on her arms speak pretty loudly for themselves." She took another step back and found herself down on the gravel, staring up at the only man she had ever hated.
He glared down at her with a look that made Sooyoung think the feeling was mutual. "I don't know where she is, now get off my property," he said, walking back inside. Sooyoung couldn't believe her eyes.
"Your daughter is missing!" she yelled. "Your daughter is missing, don't you care?"
But Hyoyeon's father just closed the door with a bang that shook the windows.
Sooyoung didn't waste any time remaining on his lot. She turned around and ran back the same way she had come, not caring about the way her legs shook from exhaustion or the way her breath seemed to tear up long scratches and wounds in her lungs.
If Hyoyeon's father was telling the truth and she wasn't there, then where was she? What were the places Hyoyeon was most likely to go? She had spent the night somewhere that wasn't in any of the girls' homes, not in school, and not in her own home. So what was left?
Maybe she should ask Minho, she thought, but the thought seemed so off to her. As far as she knew, Hyoyeon and Minho had never been that close, and if Hyoyeon was to contact somebody after running away from home, it would surely have been either Sooyoung herself or Tiffany, right?
She reached the bus stop, and scanned through the list of bus times to see that bus 37 would take her back into town in seven minutes.
The only sensible thought she could put together as she stood there by the road, occasionally frightened by the cars that sped by, was that she needed to talk to Tiffany. Tiffany seemed to know about Hyoyeon's troubles, and above all, she always seemed to have a solution for things. Yes, Tiffany was who she needed. They'd work it out. They had to.
She called Hyoyeon's phone again, and it took her directly to her voicemail.
On the bus, Sooyoung felt like her body was about to fall asleep on her, but her mind was much too awake to relax for as much as a second. The thoughts spun in her head and the feelings pulsated through her body so violently that she felt like she was already having a nightmare. She couldn't control what she was thinking anymore, and her thoughts scared her a little, so she tried to focus on Tiffany, Tiffany and nothing else, and everything would be okay.
Her phone buzzed. The display told her she had a new text, and the phone almost slid out of her sweaty hands. She opened the text and lost her breath.
Recipient: Soo
Sender: Hyoyeon
Hi, soo. i'm sorry i didn't show up last night. you have to believe me though, i really was going to go see you, but something came up, and... i had to change my plans a bit.
yes, it was my father. he went crazy when i told him i was going away, i don't know why, but i got so scared, i thought he was going to kill me.
in a way, i'm almost glad, because it was a reminder that i can't let anyone try to work through this with me. i'm going away now, soo, and i don't think i'm ever going to come back. it's just too much for me to deal with. i'm sorry.
don't try to find me. i'll be much too far away, i've already been on the road for hours. i don't even know where i'm going, so please, don't exhaust yourself trying.
i'm sorry for everything i put you through, i really am, and i'm sorry for giving up, but i just can't do this anymore. my dad keeps calling as i write this so i'll have to stop now.
don't try to contact this number, i'm throwing my phone away as soon as i get to where i'm going. i really liked you, soo, and i used to think that if anyone would save me, it'd be you. but i can't live with dreams like that anymore.
i'm sorry for everything. you're the only thing about my fucked up life i will actually miss.
bye for now, soo.
Taeyeon had been doing everything she could to cheer Sunny up, as she'd seemed really depressed, almost to the point of being sick. Unlike Sooyoung, she never said anything about it, and Taeyeon didn't want to pry when there were other people around.
But now, as the seven girls sat together in a corridor near the entrance to the school, the other girl seemed a lot happier and more energized again. Taeyeon didn't know what caused it, but she was glad. Seeing Sunny sad was unsettling.
"So how about we do something next weekend?" Tiffany suggested, and Taeyeon smiled widely at the thought.
"We have so much homework this week, though, it's not even funny," Yoona said, placing her hand over her eyes at the thought. "I might have to make it a study weekend."
"Me too," Jessica agreed sadly. Yuri squeezed her hand.
"You can study with us?" Tiffany suggested, trying to look innocent, but Jessica, Yoona and Yuri all scoffed at her.
"Yes, cause last time we tried that it ended up so well," Yuri said, rolling her eyes. "You know, for someone who wants us to keep up with school, you're really bad at letting us focus."
Taeyeon was just about to ask what had happened last time, when Sooyoung stormed around the corner and caught sight of their table. The look on her face told her instantly that something was very wrong, and she prepared for the worst. "Sooyoung," she called. "How did it go?"
The tallest walked up to their table with a few angry steps, pointing at Tiffany. "You!" she half screamed. "You knew, didn't you? You knew about her father abusing her!"
Her words went around the table like a string of smoke, and various gasps of shock could be heard. "What?!" Yoona and Seohyun said in unison.
Tiffany stared back at Sooyoung's accusing finger with wide eyes. "I- Yes, I knew," she said.
"Then why didn't you do anything?!" Sooyoung cried, filling her eyes and spilling over her cheeks in a matter of seconds. "Why didn't you help her when you had the chance?"
"Hey, Sooyoung, calm down," Taeyeon said, refusing to hear Sooyoung accuse Tiffany. "What's going on?"
Sooyoung walked over and sank down beside Taeyeon on the bench, giving her the phone and letting her read the text Hyoyeon had sent. She didn't care anymore about keeping secrets for the other girl - how could she have cared to begin with? How could she have let such a ridiculous thought stop her from helping the girl she was in love with?
Taeyeon had tears in her eyes when she finished reading the message, and passed it on to Sunny. The phone wandered around the table, everyone reading the message in silence, and Sooyoung lay down to let her head rest in her best friend's lap.
"She's gone?" Seohyun said quietly after she'd passed the phone on to Jessica.
Sooyoung's body shook as the tears fell in a violent stream, and Taeyeon pushed her fingers through her hair to try to sooth her. "Shh," she cooed, "shh."
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Sooyoung said, half her brain already in dreamland. "We're supposed to write a song together..."
The other girls exchanged looks over the table as Sooyoung fell into sleep.
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."
Pairing: Yulsic, Taeny, Hyoyoung, Yoonhyun, Sunsic
Rating: G - NC-17
Genre: Drama, romance, angst, high school AU
Summary: The struggle is different for everyone; we all take different measures to deal with our problems. Friendships are created and tossed upside down, love is found, love is lost, and trust is formed and betrayed as these nine girls find their places in each other's lives.
Chapter wordcount: 8,895
Prologue
Chapter 1: "Would you have said paranoid or socially retarded, I would have done a dance of joy."
Chapter 2: "Line 49 for homo- and bisexual youngsters."
Chapter 3: "Do you know what kind of relationship Jessica and Yuri share?"
Chapter 4: "A real fight? With like claws and stuff?"
Chapter 5: "You were acting like a crazy person today."
Chapter 6: "Do you even know my name?"
Chapter 7: "Ask her if she's straight? Are you kidding?"
Chapter 8: "Did somebody hurt you?"
Chapter 9: "Stop this before it's too late."
Chapter 10: "I found something that moved me."
A/N:
Hey, sorry about how late this is. There was a storm here so I was without internet all weekend ;; I'm sorry! Anyway, hope you like this~
There were too many things to think about as she walked to the bus stop, too many both good and bad things to go through, so she tried not to think too much. There were things, though, that she couldn't help thinking about.
If Hyoyeon would reject her, she was sure they could work past it and spend the night together without awkwardness; they'd been through enough in the short time they'd known each other for that. She wasn't very nervous about that, even though she of course knew that Hyoyeon rejecting her would be devastating. As long as they could still be friends, it would be alright.
And what if Hyoyeon liked her back? They could be spending their first night together as a couple tonight - or at least as two people who liked each other. The thought almost made her see stars.
She needed a perfect beginning of the night, something that would make Hyoyeon happy to see her, if Sooyoung herself was not enough. After a few moments of contemplating where she was walking, Sooyoung stopped by a house with a big garden, and some white flowers that she didn't at all know the name of caught her eyes. She sneaked into the garden shamelessly and picked the flowers one by one, but left some for kindness sake. She wanted to think that would justify it.
Flowers in hand, she hurried on along the road, and when she checked the time, she realized the flower-picking had made her five minute behind schedule. Not wanting Hyoyeon to arrive alone, she picked up her pace and ran the last part of the way.
The bus station at night was never a pleasant experience, as it was the most populated hangout for drug addicts, homeless and drunks. They loved the waiting room at night, and they rarely bothered anybody but each other, but they still made Sooyoung nervous whenever she needed to be alone near them.
But not tonight. Tonight she only had one worry, and that was whether or not Hyoyeon would like the flowers.
She arrived at the bus station five minutes late, and found the streets completely empty. The lights in the windows of the waiting room told her that there were people in there, but Sooyoung doubted very strongly that Hyoyeon would go in there with the homeless people. She probably hadn't arrived yet, Sooyoung reasoned, because when do buses ever come on time? She'd just have to wait a while, and Hyoyeon would be there soon. Yes.
She thought so until she walked past the waiting room and saw Hyoyeon's bus stand there, the numbers on the top in shining green, unyieldingly telling her that Hyoyeon should already be there. Not sure what to think, Sooyoung ran over to the waiting room, pulled the door open and was faced by the smell of alcohol. But as she looked in, she saw some familiar old men's faces, but not Hyoyeon.
She let the door fall closed and walked back out into the fresh but cold air, fishing up her phone from her pocket with her free hand. She opened her call list, and hurriedly called Hyoyeon again, anxiousness rising in her chest with every second.
But the call went directly to Hyoyeon's voicemail, and it didn't even give her Hyoyeon's message, but a computerized voice welcoming her to the number's voice mail. Sooyoung's heart sank, but she called the number again, not wanting to accept the truth. No, something had just gone wrong with the call, so she definitely needed to try again.
The same thing happened again, and Sooyoung lowered her phone in despair. Had Hyoyeon really ditched her and turned off her phone? Or was it something worse?
She decided to take a walk around the entire station; maybe she was somewhere around there and her phone was just out of battery. That could be the reason, you could never really know.
When she still didn't find her, she realized Hyoyeon knew where she lived, and therefore might have just walked there when Sooyoung was late. A little voice in Sooyoung's head told her that if that was the case, they would have met up on the way, but she ignored it. Maybe... Somehow...
Sooyoung held on to that possibility all the way home, just praying with her entire being that when she arrived at her apartment, Hyoyeon would be standing outside, angry at her for taking so long and asking her where she had been.
But she wasn't there, and Sooyoung wasn't surprised. She was getting so tired she didn't know how to think properly anymore, having been awake for way more than twenty four hours by now, but eventually, she came to the conclusion that she had to accept the truth.
The bus station wasn't that big. The road home wasn't so long. There were only so many places Hyoyeon could have gotten lost in, and that didn't seem very likely. No, Hyoyeon had blown her off, and turned off her phone to really get the message across. Could it really be like that?
Sooyoung tried to call one last time, but again, the computer voice of the other girl's voicemail greeted her. She already hated that damn voice.
She hid the flowers behind her back when she entered the apartment again, not wanting her mother to see them.
"Where's your friend?" she said when Sooyoung came inside and just headed for her room.
"Something came up," she replied dismissively.
She placed the flowers on the piano and stared at them bitterly. What had gotten into her? What had made her so hopeful that maybe herself and Hyoyeon could work things out and - god, she had even considered the possibility of the two of them becoming a couple that night - what was her problem? How could she have thought such a ridiculous thing? What made her act that way?
But, she realized, it was Hyoyeon. Hyoyeon was what made her so hopeful and silly and foolish. It was also Hyoyeon who made her so down, so distressed, Hyoyeon who was the reason why she sat down heavily on her bed with an ungodly weight on her shoulders - Hyoyeon was the reason for everything.
How could that be?
Taeyeon had wanted to call back to Line 49 almost since the day after her last call, but it had proven almost impossible to find a time where her mother left the apartment for more than two minutes. If she did, she seemed to make sure to do it when Taeyeon was at school or out with her friends, so Taeyeon had barely had any time alone in the apartment.
But she ached to talk to Stephanie again, more for every moment she spent in Tiffany's company. She wasn't sure what she wanted, though; for Stephanie to give her a cure, to help her fall out of love with Tiffany, or help her win her over. If any of the two was even possible.
When her mother went out for an evening walk, Taeyeon jumped at the opportunity and didn't give herself any time to be nervous, but just dug out the number to Line 49 from the bottom of her nightstand drawer, hidden beneath coins and stray papers. She used the home phone; a black, wireless, outdated thing that stood in its spot on her nightstand.
When the signals rang in her ear, and she flopped onto her back on her bed, just like last time, she realized she really had no idea what she wanted to talk about, but it didn't matter right then. She just needed somebody. And Stephanie was definitely a good somebody.
"Line 49, this is Junsu," said a voice that only haunted Taeyeon in her waken nightmares, and she choked on a breath. In the panicked memory of her humiliation, she was a millisecond away from hanging up the phone, but stopped herself in the last moment, thinking to herself that Junsu wouldn't remember her voice. He must get a lot of calls a day, and Taeyeon's voice sure wasn't anything that left a big imprint.
"Is Stephanie available?" she asked numbly, feeling a little pang of pride at the tiny puddle of courage she had mustered.
"One moment," Junsu said, and the line went silent. Taeyeon shot up a look to the ceiling and thought, world, why are you testing me?
A few moments passed, and then her voice sounded, rich and bright and her mere greeting was enough to put Taeyeon a little more at ease. "Line 49, this is Stephanie."
"Hi, Stephanie," Taeyeon replied, "It's Taeyeon, I don't know if you remember me, but I called-"
"Of course I remember you," Stephanie cut her off. Taeyeon smiled. "How have you been?"
"Uh," Taeyeon began, not really knowing what to say. "Okay, I suppose."
"I guess we never really got to talking about what your life is like last time," Stephanie continued. "So let's just start over."
"O-okay," Taeyeon said, glad that she didn't have to carry the conversation.
"So how are things?"
Taeyeon sat up, wondering what to answer. "I don't know. They're okay, I guess."
"Are they?" Stephanie questioned. Taeyeon stared at her nails.
"Mostly," she said. "I mean, despite me being... you know, closeted and in denial, I would be fine with it if I didn't have to worry so much."
"What do you worry about?" Stephanie pried on, but she didn't sound worried. Somehow, it was a big relief to Taeyeon.
"The future," Taeyeon said after a short pause.
"What about the future?" Stephanie asked, and Taeyeon had to laugh a little at her string of questions.
She shied away, though, from even thinking about the answer, even though she knew clear and well what it was. It was the biggest worry she had, the question that was the closest to her heart. The thought of voicing it seemed so far out of her reach that the words got tangled up in each other, and she ended up saying nothing more than "I don't know".
"It's okay, you don't have to answer all of my questions if you don't want to," Stephanie replied with a laugh. "I can get that some of them must be hard." Taeyeon said nothing, but a part of her wanted to tell Stephanie that no, it wasn't her questions that were hard, it was Taeyeon's own answers that were. "I have to ask this, though," Stephanie continued, "what would you say your life has been like so far?"
"Was that question supposed to be easier?" Taeyeon said, and they both laughed. Taeyeon's mind felt strangely light when she thought back over the past few years, and it seemed to her that not much had changed. She had realized her own gayness, but it hadn't changed much. She had mostly always lived in the same fashion. "I don't know, really..." she repeated, but since she was actually planning on answering this one, she hurried on before Tiffany could ask her a new one. "It's been fine. I mean, I've done fine in school, I've gotten along fine with my mother, I was pretty fine even when my parents got divorced, since that meant they'd stop fighting all the time."
"How often do you see your father?"
Taeyeon shrugged a little to herself. "I don't know, a few times a year, maybe. I don't really know him."
"Okay. What do you think he'd say if you told him about you?" Stephanie asked carefully.
"He probably wouldn't like it much," Taeyeon replied, feeling oddly calm at the thought. "But it doesn't matter, cause I don't care much about his opinion."
Stephanie seemed to accept her answer without questioning her emotional detachment from her father. "Alright," she said. "So you say your life has been 'just fine' in the past."
"Mhm," Taeyeon agreed, feeling so calm it almost disturbed her. It almost bordered on boredom.
"Has there been anything in your life that was more than just fine?" she continued, and Taeyeon didn't need to think about the answer.
"My friends," she said instantly. "I've always had these three friends... It's always been the four of us, through all my life."
"Ah," Stephanie said knowingly. "That's great. But they don't know about you, do they?"
"No," Taeyeon admitted. "But that's not their fault, I'm the one who hasn't told them." She felt inclined to defend her friends, and felt herself become a little angry as Stephanie seemed to be on the verge of attacking them.
"Alright," Stephanie said quickly, probably sensing the change in Taeyeon and understanding that suggesting anything negative about her friends was not an option.
"Or, on second thought," Taeyeon said, remembering something, "one of them might know. Her name is Sunny. She gave me the number here, to 49, one day, without saying anything. So she at least suspects something."
"Really?" Stephanie said warmly. "She sounds perceptive, Sunny."
"I guess she must be," Taeyeon agreed slowly.
"But you don't have any thoughts of telling her?"
Taeyeon stretched her aching back, wanting to say yes, if only for Sunny's sake, but knowing it was a lie. "No, I don't."
"Okay. Do you have a best friend in the group?" Stephanie asked, and Taeyeon smiled widely.
"Yes, I do, her name is Sooyoung," she said, affection for her best friend overwhelming her immediately. It always did when she talked to other people about her; there was nobody in this world she loved more than Sooyoung.
"And she doesn't know about you either?" Stephanie said, and Taeyeon saw red again.
"No, but again, that's only because I haven't told her. And if she suspects something, she hasn't said anything about it."
"Don't you want her to know?" Stephanie asked.
Taeyeon pressed her lips together. The thought left her with mixed emotions. "In some ways yes, in other ways no."
"In what ways don't you want her to know?"
Taeyeon lay down on the bed again, unable to keep her back straight without support anymore. She stared out the window, stared at the still light under the lamp posts, wondering for a moment how much longer she'd have before her mother would come back home. "I guess I'm scared of change," she said.
"Hm," Stephanie said thoughtfully. "You think she'd become... afraid of you if she knew?"
"No, I don't think she would," Taeyeon said. "I'm just scared she would."
"I see."
"She's..." Taeyeon hesitated, "she's not even straight herself. She's bi, so she isn't a homophobe."
"But isn't that great?" Stephanie questioned. "Shouldn't that make it easier for you to tell her, knowing that she's not going to judge you?"
Taeyeon thought intensely. "Lately, I've had these moments... Just sitting with her, talking, and I've felt this really strong urge to just... tell her. Just blurt it out like I'm telling her what's for dinner, but I never do." She took a deep breath. "Either way, it's way too early to be thinking about telling anybody," she said firmly. "I'm not even sure I've accepted it myself, and I don't know if I even want to."
Stephanie kept silent for a second. "I'm gonna give another one of my nice and easy questions now," she warned. "Why do you think it's so hard for you to accept yourself?"
Taeyeon clenched her teeth. The thought was much too complicated for her to even sort it out in her head. "I don't know, I guess I still find it kind of... unnatural," she said awkwardly, painfully aware of the possibility of Stephanie being gay.
"Is it really that?" Stephanie asked. "Or is there something else that you're not telling me?"
And for some reason that Taeyeon wasn't clear on herself, the sincere curiosity in Stephanie's voice made her will the words to find their order and come out. "I think," she said carefully and very slowly, "that if I accept... myself... and I come to terms with the fact that I am... what I am... then there's no going back. Then I can't change myself." She still had to censor the words she was trying to say, but this time it felt more like a habit than anything else.
Stephanie didn't say anything for a while, seemingly contemplating her words. Taeyeon wondered what it was about the other girl that made it so easy for Taeyeon to spill her guts to her, when she couldn't even do it to Sooyoung or Sunny. Was it just the fact that they didn't know each other?
"You can't change yourself," Stephanie said at last. "No matter what you do, you can't change yourself. This is who you are, Taeyeon." The words hit Taeyeon like a sledgehammer, and she found herself unable to speak. They rang true when they were said with Stephanie's firm tone, but was it really definite? Irrevocable? "The way I see it is that you have two options," Stephanie continued. "You can keep your thoughts about changing yourself, and fight your own sexuality for the rest of your life, which will probably have you emotionally exhausted and depressed during the times you are honest with yourself. Or, you can try to accept yourself, believe in yourself and who you truly are, find somebody to love and find yourself a happy ever after. And you won't need helplines like Line 49, you won't need to wait until your mother leaves home before you tell somebody the truth about you."
Taeyeon stared at the bright spot under the lamp post again. In her mind, she saw little flakes of white snow dance towards the ground, and it calmed her.
"You're right," she said.
"I'm not saying accepting yourself is so easy," Stephanie continued enthusiastically, energized by Taeyeon's admission, "but in the end, it's always what's best for you. It's the first step."
Taeyeon couldn't bring herself to say anything. Her stomach was aching in time with her pulse, and she felt like somebody had put glasses on her face after a lifetime of bad sight.
"Anyway, I'm going slightly off topic," Stephanie said, taking a deep breath.
Taeyeon laughed. "That was really great for someone who's off topic," she said, and Stephanie laughed with her.
"We were talking about your life in the past," Stephanie said thoughtfully. "Now I'd like to know how your life has changed during the past month."
"Why would you think my life has changed?" Taeyeon frowned.
"Because you chose to call here. Something must have happened," Stephanie said pointedly, and Taeyeon nodded to herself.
"The school I went to was combined with two other schools in our city," she explained without much thought. "Our group went from four friends to nine friends, and I guess that's a big change."
"How do you mean?" Stephanie asked.
Taeyeon gave a short laugh. "They're all... different." She hesitated for a moment before telling Stephanie something that'd been buried deep in her mind ever since the school year had begun. "There's, uhm... there's this girl-girl couple now, in our group."
"Oh," Stephanie said. "So how do you feel, seeing them every day?"
Taeyeon laughed again. "Well, until just five minutes ago I thought I'd been feeling icky, but now I know that it's..." She stopped herself and rolled over on her other side, staring at the door and her back facing the window.
"It's what?" Stephanie asked quietly.
"It's everything I want." It was said in a breath, and to Taeyeon it felt like she had breathed out pure pain. "That's why seeing them together has bothered me so much... because they have what I want."
Silence fell, and Taeyeon was glad there was no new question to answer. Her head was already spinning with everything she had heard - and said - during the night, and she really wanted to crawl into bed and think it through. She stared at the clock above her door, and it told her it was a little past nine - that was an acceptable time for an eighteen year old girl to go to bed, right?
"You said you'd met this girl you like," Stephanie said. Taeyeon jerked in surprise when she spoke. "Is she also in your group?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said absently, the thought of Tiffany suddenly feeling very blurred and foreign. "But I can't think of her right now. Actually, I think I need to go to bed... you've completely blown my mind."
Stephanie laughed. "Well, I'm glad, if so. It's a good thing, right?"
"It is," Taeyeon agreed a bit reluctantly. "I have a lot to think of now."
"Until next time, then, Taeyeon," Stephanie said brightly. "Take care of yourself, okay?"
"Yeah," Taeyeon said, sitting up. She was just about to say her goodbyes when a question struck her. "Wait!" she hurried before Stephanie hung up.
"What?"
"How do I..." she tried, but the thought was too quick for her words, and she didn't know how to voice it. She sighed. "Do you have any advice... to accept myself easier."
"Hm..." Stephanie mused.
"I mean, what you said earlier was a big help, but just... more things. Are there any?" Taeyeon asked, feeling a little stupid at her question, but definitely needing to know.
"I think you should ask that lesbian couple you hang out with," Stephanie said, and Taeyeon immediately frowned. "They obviously have the experience, I mean. And if you want to talk to somebody who you don't know so well, I think you should arrange to meet up with somebody, like on a blind date. It doesn't necessarily have to be romantic, just to talk and exchange stories, you know? Or, if you do want romance, then an actual blind date."
Taeyeon's legs went wobbly at the thought, even though she was sitting down. "Uh, okay," she said, mouth dry. "I'll think about it."
"Okay," Stephanie laughed at her nervousness. "I hope to hear from you again, Taeyeon."
"You most probably will," Taeyeon replied, wide-eyed still from the thought of a date. "Good night."
"Night, Taeyeon."
- 12 -
Even if Sooyoung would have slept more than two hours the following night, she was so emotionally exhausted that it probably wouldn't have helped much. Instead, she lay on her bed, scornfully staring at her lyric sheet on top of the piano on the other side of the room. Around midnight she actually tried to go to sleep, but the mixture of hurt and anger at Hyoyeon for ditching her made it impossible for her to get any rest.
When the alarm woke her up at 6:30 in the morning, she felt so disoriented she didn't even know where she was for a second. It felt like she had closed her eyes for a maximum of ten minutes, how could it already be time to get up? Her common sense screamed at her to go back to bed and tried to pull her down into the warm sheets, but she ignored it. Even though sleeping two hours in two nights was a good enough reason to stay home from school in her mind, she needed to go. She needed so see Hyoyeon, no matter how tired she felt. She could even go home after having spoken to her and found out why the other girl did what she did, just as long as they got to talk.
The first thing she did after shaking some of the tiredness out of her head, was launch at her phone, checking for any sign of life from Hyoyeon, but was only greeted by disappointment. No missed calls. No new texts. So she decided to send one herself.
Recipient: Hyo
Sender: Sooyoung
What happened last night, Hyo? Why didn't you come, and why did you turn off your phone? I can't believe you'd do that..
Knowing that the other girl might not even be awake yet, she set off preparing herself for a school day that was going to be very, very long.
Sooyoung was usually one of the last to arrive to school, since she lived so close and didn't need to be there very early. But that day, she was one of the first of her friends. Only Taeyeon, Tiffany and Sunny had arrived and Sooyoung couldn't hide her impatience. Her heart was beating uncomfortably, and there was a heavy, sour feeling in her stomach that she couldn't quite explain. Something like fear, hurt and anger all wrapped up into one.
Seohyun arrived next, and then Yoona. No sign of Hyoyeon.
They sat, as usual, by the senior girls' lockers, and Sooyoung was glad, since that meant she couldn't possibly miss the other girl when she arrived.
"Did anyone hear from Hyoyeon last night?" she asked the other girls as the clock ticked closer to the first class of the day. The other girls all shook their heads.
"Weren't you supposed to meet up with her last night?" Sunny said without looking at Sooyoung. She looked nauseous, ill, almost green, and Sooyoung remembered for the first time that morning the call she had received from her the night before.
"I was," Sooyoung nodded, "but she never showed up. And she turned off her phone... I'm starting to get worried." She yawned, stretching her arms and hearing her limbs crack. The other girls stared at her, wide-eyed.
"So she blew you off?" Yoona said. "Wow. Did not see that one coming."
Sooyoung gave her a small glare. "Since I can't reach her, I can't know for sure," she said sourly. "But it seems so, yeah."
"I can try calling her for you if you like," Tiffany offered, holding up her phone. "I mean... if she's... avoiding you or something," she glanced apologetically at Sooyoung, "then she'd still answer my call... I mean, if you're worried or so."
Sooyoung glanced at the clock on her phone, and it told her the first class was going to start in about ten minutes. Hyoyeon should have been there at least twenty minutes ago, according to Taeyeon. She sighed in gratitude towards Tiffany. "Thank you, that'd be really helpful," she said, rubbing her eyes. If Hyoyeon answered Tiffany's call, then that made it definite. She was really trying to make Sooyoung get the hint.
"Did you even sleep at all last night?" Taeyeon asked, grabbing the taller girl's chin and forcing her to look into her eyes. Sooyoung shook her head as well as she could in the other girl's grip.
"About two hours. And not at all the night before."
Taeyeon let go of her chin, but didn't let her worried eyes leave her face for a second. "Look, maybe you should go home and get some sleep," she reasoned, "you won't get anything done here in this state anyway. I can come over and study with you later, if you'd like."
Affection and gratitude to her best friend welled up like a friendly tsunami, and the suggestion felt so much more inviting than any other at that moment. Still, she knew that if she went home without knowing how things were with Hyoyeon, she wouldn't get any sleep anyway, so she shook her head sadly. "I have to know..." she said and glanced over at Tiffany who was busy finding Hyoyeon's number in her phone. "I can't go home without knowing."
Taeyeon followed her gaze towards Tiffany, who had just pressed 'call' and lifted the phone up to her ear, and she didn't argue. "Okay," she said.
"It went to her voicemail," Tiffany said after a few seconds, lowering her phone and staring wide-eyed at Sooyoung.
"It- it was off?" Sooyoung asked, not knowing if she was relieved or even more worried than before. That meant she wasn't just dodging Sooyoung's calls, but her phone was completely turned off... and why was that?
"Something must have happened," Taeyeon said quietly, and the words sent a shiver of cold down Sooyoung's spine.
"Let's not jump to any conclusions," Seohyun said patiently. "Maybe she's sick, or maybe she overslept." Yeah, that's easy for you to think, Sooyoung thought, when you don't know that she has a violent father who likes to beat on her every now and again. She stared at Tiffany, who looked as worried as Sooyoung herself felt, and she wondered if the older girl knew.
"Let's... let's just wait until lunch time before we get too worried," Tiffany said slowly. "She might come in late."
Yoona, Seohyun and Taeyeon all looked confused as to why Tiffany and Sooyoung would be so worried about Hyoyeon missing a day in school, but the other two stared at each other in silent understanding. Sunny looked like she was far away, in a whole other unpleasant world.
Jessica and Yuri arrived together only a few minutes before class started, and the girls all knew that was probably more because of Jessica than because of Yuri.
Sunny's entire stomach turned when she saw the two come walking hand in hand down the corridor, Yuri more or less dragging her girlfriend behind her. Yuri looked energized and happy as always, but Jessica looked... more or less exactly like Sunny felt. They greeted like always, though Sunny and Jessica didn't look at each other as they said their helloes, and when Yuri tried to make her way over to sit down beside Sunny, Jessica pulled her the other way with all her might, stating that they needed to get to class.
Her words were met with indistinct mumbles of dejection, and soon they were all heading in their own directions. The seniors walked in a line, with Jessica and Sunny on opposite ends - Tiffany, Taeyeon and Yuri walked between them, and three people didn't seem like enough to separate the two.
Sunny wished with all her might that Jessica would have just come to school the day before, when she had felt carefree and confident. Now she just felt like a traitor, and nothing else than a traitor.
Seohyun, Yoona and Sooyoung walked down another corridor, and soon Seohyun parted ways with them to get to geography class.
"Where's Sungmin?" Sooyoung said when she pulled her head out of the Hyoyeon-void long enough to realize that seeing Yoona outside of class was unusual.
"He’s coming in later," Yoona said. "So I guess we both got more or less stood up today." She turned to smile at the taller girl, who did her outmost to smile back, but failed miserably. "Are you alright?" she asked as they reached the door to the classroom.
Sooyoung shook her head, but said nothing as they entered the room, ignoring Yoona's looks of worry.
Recipient: Hyo
Sender: Sooyoung
Look, if you don't wanna see me, just say so, I promise I won't be mad. I'm starting to get worried so just please give me a sign of life here
Two classes where Sooyoung could do nothing but stare out at the cloudy sky outside the windows passed, and not once did her phone ring. Not once did a text come through. The clouds were gathering outside and the day was getting darker, and Sooyoung couldn't help but feel the same.
Her palms were sweating, she was so worried. She knew it might be an overreaction, but what if it wasn't? What if something had actually happened to Hyoyeon, and Sooyoung was just sitting in school waiting to hear from her?
Deciding that Tiffany was her best chance of figuring anything out right then, she found the senior girls before they had a chance to leave for the cafeteria. Taeyeon, Tiffany and Sunny were laughing together while Jessica and Yuri were walking behind them, apparently deep in conversation. Sooyoung stormed up to Tiffany, interrupting their laughter without a care in the world.
"I want to go to Hyoyeon's home," she stated plainly, and the three looked up at her, all with matching looks of fear in their eyes.
"Let's not do anything hasty," Sunny said, walking up to her and putting a hand on her arm. Sooyoung realized her tired eyes must look hysterical, maybe even insane, but she didn't care. She was about to become desperate, and she needed an answer. She couldn't wait any longer, or she would actually go crazy.
"Do you know where she lives?" she asked Tiffany, who was the only one who looked understanding of Sooyoung's intensity.
She nodded slowly. "I think I still have her address written down in my phone since I visited her," she said, reaching down into her pocket to fish it out. Sunny and Taeyeon stared at her like she was equally crazy.
"Look, Sooyoung," Taeyeon said carefully. "I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but if she did ditch you... do you really think it's a good idea to go over there right now?"
"I'm starting to think she didn't ditch me," Sooyoung replied, wanting to badly to explain to her best friend what was going on. "I think something bad has happened, and I think I have to go there."
"Found it," Tiffany said, and held up her phone for Sooyoung to see, so the tallest could copy what it said into her own. "I used the GPS to get there last time, she really lives out in the forest."
"So how do I get there?" Sooyoung said, impatient but thankful to Tiffany for helping her.
"You take bus 37, and you ride it for about half an hour until you get to Meander Road. Use the GPS from there, otherwise you'll get lost," Tiffany said with a small laugh.
"Wait, guys..." Sunny said in confusion. "Aren't you being a bit..."
"No," Sooyoung cut her off. Sunny just stared at her. "Thank you, Tiffany, I'll see you guys later."
"Good luck," Tiffany said, and Sooyoung turned around and ran out the door, her heart pounding wildly in her chest.
As Sooyoung disappeared around the corner, Yuri left Jessica's side, quickly running up to Tiffany's side to get an update on the situation. Jessica was about to follow when Sunny grabbed her arm and started pulling her away.
"Let's talk," she said quietly. They ran down the stone staircase down to the basement, knowing it was off limits, and loving it because of that.
The two had barely looked at each other all day, and they hadn't spoken since the beach night. Jessica had thought she was mad at Sunny, mad for bringing out the absolute worst in her, but now that she had her close and they were alone, she couldn't help but feel a little excited. They arrived down in the basement, but kept running for a minute, rounding dark corners, the excitement increasing as they could never know what lay behind the next bend. The walls were white, but the floor was a very nauseating mixture of red and pink. Whoever chose the design for it must have had a concussion, Jessica thought to herself.
They arrived at a dead end in the corridor, and they came to a halt. There was a white door beside it, and Sunny pulled at the handle, only to find it locked. Jessica leaned her back against the wall, panting slightly, trying to seem indifferent but not being able to if she didn't look away from the other girl's face.
Standing opposite each other, they both stared at each other's feet. "So," Sunny said after an awkward second, and they both looked up at each other at the same time. "Hi."
Jessica laughed nervously, and Sunny looked at her in surprise before joining in.
"I think we have to talk," she continued, looking away again, "about what happened that night."
"Do we have to?" Jessica said, not knowing herself exactly what she meant. Sunny looked up at her, trying to read her expression, and Jessica couldn't help but love it. What was going on with her?
"I'd say so," Sunny replied, obviously nervous. "You kissed me." Jessica's heartbeat sped up. "I can't just pretend that never happened."
"Me neither." Jessica watched as Sunny swallowed heavily and tried to repress an anxious smile. It was the cutest thing she'd ever seen.
"Do you like me?" Sunny asked then, her voice shaking a little. Jessica smiled.
"I do like you," she admitted, surprised at how easily the words came out. In the next moment, she remembered Yuri for the first time, upstairs right now, probably wondering where she had disappeared to. This thing with Sunny, and seeing how utterly adorable and flustered Jessica could make her, was all good fun, but it would never lead to anything. Jessica would never break up with Yuri. Leading her on was cruel, she supposed, and she needed to stop.
Sunny stared at her with big eyes, and Jessica could see the hopelessness and impending disappointment in them. "But..?" Sunny said, knowing what was coming.
"I have a girlfriend," Jessica replied, trying to force the excitement out of her body, trying to will her mind to not see Sunny as so damn beautiful. It was less effective than it had been so far. "I said that on the beach night, and I still mean it. We can't do this. You understand that, right?"
Nodding, Sunny searched her face seriously. "Except..." she said, and Jessica felt her stomach turn, "there must be a reason why you kissed me."
"Whatever reason I had," Jessica began after thinking over her words for a moment, "it doesn't matter. I am taken." They looked at each other, Sunny with a pleading look that held both understanding and desperate regret, and Jessica with eyes that told of both longing and something resembling fear. The taller of the two took a deep breath. "You saved my life."
Sunny scoffed. "It sounds so dramatic when you say it like that," she said, rolling her eyes a little. "It was just what anyone would have done."
Jessica shook her head. "If you hadn't been there, I could have been dead by now." The shorter girl glared at her, not able to take in the praise, seemingly wishing Jessica would just hurry up if she was going to blow her off. "The things I felt... after you saved me," Jessica continued, blushing slightly at the thought, remembering the feeling of complete safety in Sunny's arms. "It confused me. That's why I kissed you."
"What did you feel?" Sunny asked, a new hope glistening in her eyes. Jessica gave her a sad look.
"It doesn't matter anymore," she said simply, but Sunny inched closer to her.
"It matters to me."
Jessica watched the other girl slowly come closer, and butterflies awoke in her stomach. She let her body relax against the wall, waiting for Sunny to touch her, not knowing whether or not she wanted her to. "You make me feel safe," she said.
"And you make me feel like I'm about to die all the time," Sunny replied, smiling a little and tilting her head, her eyes unusually shiny.
Sunny had come very close now, her fingers making their way up along the buttons of Jessica's white blouse. Jessica fought to keep her breathing steady, her entire body pulsating. "So let's end it," she breathed. "So you won't have to feel that way anymore."
Sunny froze in her movements, staring into Jessica's dark eyes. "I can't stay away from you," she said quietly. Jessica almost let out a gasp as Sunny's fingers trailed higher again, feeling so wanted, more than she had in a long time, and wanting Sunny so badly she feared her hands would start shaking if she were to use them. She tried to meet Sunny's gaze. "Can you stay away from me?"
Everything in her mind gave a huge, resounding NO at the question, and Sunny's hands reached the collar of her blouse, grabbing it and pulling herself even closer, and warm waves of want shot through Jessica's body. "We can't do this," she whispered, mainly for her own sake, to be able to feel like she had tried to stop it from happening afterwards, knowing that Sunny would not listen, and knowing that she couldn't obey her mind's instructions right then.
"Give me a chance to change your mind," Sunny breathed, now against her lips, standing on her toes. She let go of the collar again and her hands trailed down Jessica's chest, and that was enough. Their lips met, moving against each other in a need that Jessica hadn't felt in such a long time, lips quivering with want and straining not to let any desperate moans and gasps out.
The guilt would come later. Right then, she didn't care, and she assumed that neither did Sunny. Did that make them evil? She didn't know. All that mattered right then was the smell of Sunny's perfume, faint but sweet and warm.
Forty-five minutes later, Sooyoung found herself standing at Meander road, looking around in confusion. The GPS on her phone was on, and it told her that she needed to walk about four hundred meters along the deserted road the bus had left her on. Forest lined it on both sides, and there was only one house visible from where she was standing, a red, wooden house with a very old look about it. She took a deep breath before walking in the direction her phone suggested.
She was terrified at what might face her in Hyoyeon's home. She hoped with everything she had that her father would be at work, or anywhere but home, because even though she found it unlikely he would do anything to someone who wasn't Hyoyeon, she was still afraid of him.
And she hated him. She hated him for ever laying a hand on Hyoyeon, hated him for the way he messed with her emotions. The way he made her shut Sooyoung out and push her away because she was too scared to trust anybody. She hated him for everything.
Even so, if finding Hyoyeon meant she had to find him, she would gladly do so, a thousand times over.
When she had walked for about three hundred meters, she was starting to think her GPS was a little confused - apart from the road there was no sign of civilization there - but eventually she could make out another red house placed among the trees. It was about the same size as Tiffany's, and on the yard stood three cars, one that looked new and functional, and two which were rusty with the hoods up. Beyond them was a swing set with two red, plastic swings. One of the ropes on the left swing had snapped, and it hung into the grass below like a dead snake.
A door in soggy white faced the road, and after a quick confirmation with the GPS, Sooyoung knew she had reached the house Hyoyeon and her father lived in. She stuffed her phone into her jacket pocket and half-ran up to the house; the run from her school to the bus station had tired her out greatly, despite the short distance.
Her hands started to shake when she walked up the last hill of the gravel road and the white door appeared closer and closer. The relief of finally finding out was so close, but there was alarm going off in the back of her head - if something had happened to her, this was the last minute she'd spend without knowing about it.
She knocked firmly on the door three times, and thought numbly to herself that it really needed to be repainted. Steps could be heard immediately, and she saw movement in one of the windows to the left of the door. She held her breath.
A man with only a thin ring of white hair on his head opened the door. He was wearing black jogging pants and a grey t-shirt that strained over his big stomach, and he frowned as he held up his hand to shield himself from the sunlight. Hyoyeon's father.
Anger flared up in Sooyoung at the mere sight of him.
"Hi," Sooyoung said, forcing herself to pull herself together. "Does Hyoyeon live here?"
"What?" the man said, his voice hoarse. Sooyoung suspected he'd not been awake for long.
"I'm a friend of hers," she continued. "Is she here?"
He lowered his hand and scanned Sooyoung from top to toe, still frowning. "No, she isn't here."
Sooyoung's body went cold. "Where is she?" she asked, trying to not sound too accusing.
"Hell if I know," Hyoyeon's father replied, leaning against the doorframe. "She said she was going to a friend's last night, and she left, so that's most likely where she is." He took a step inside the hallway, as if to shut the door in Sooyoung's face. Sooyoung panicked.
"You're lying," she said, and he froze in his actions.
"Excuse me?" he said, immediately angry.
Sooyoung took a step back, breathing harshly. "She was supposed to come see me, but she never showed up. Where is she?"
"Like I said, I don't know. She left, and that's all I know." He moved to shut the door again, faster this time.
"You hurt her, didn't you?" Sooyoung yelled out. The man gave her a furious look through big, shocked eyes, and he took a few steps towards her. Sooyoung stumbled three steps down the wooden stairs that led up to the door, terrified now, prepared to turn around and run for all she was worth.
"Did she tell you that?" he yelled, spit flying out of his mouth. "Did she say I hit her?"
Sooyoung fought for her breath. "Some things don't need to be said," she mumbled. "Those bruises on her arms speak pretty loudly for themselves." She took another step back and found herself down on the gravel, staring up at the only man she had ever hated.
He glared down at her with a look that made Sooyoung think the feeling was mutual. "I don't know where she is, now get off my property," he said, walking back inside. Sooyoung couldn't believe her eyes.
"Your daughter is missing!" she yelled. "Your daughter is missing, don't you care?"
But Hyoyeon's father just closed the door with a bang that shook the windows.
Sooyoung didn't waste any time remaining on his lot. She turned around and ran back the same way she had come, not caring about the way her legs shook from exhaustion or the way her breath seemed to tear up long scratches and wounds in her lungs.
If Hyoyeon's father was telling the truth and she wasn't there, then where was she? What were the places Hyoyeon was most likely to go? She had spent the night somewhere that wasn't in any of the girls' homes, not in school, and not in her own home. So what was left?
Maybe she should ask Minho, she thought, but the thought seemed so off to her. As far as she knew, Hyoyeon and Minho had never been that close, and if Hyoyeon was to contact somebody after running away from home, it would surely have been either Sooyoung herself or Tiffany, right?
She reached the bus stop, and scanned through the list of bus times to see that bus 37 would take her back into town in seven minutes.
The only sensible thought she could put together as she stood there by the road, occasionally frightened by the cars that sped by, was that she needed to talk to Tiffany. Tiffany seemed to know about Hyoyeon's troubles, and above all, she always seemed to have a solution for things. Yes, Tiffany was who she needed. They'd work it out. They had to.
She called Hyoyeon's phone again, and it took her directly to her voicemail.
On the bus, Sooyoung felt like her body was about to fall asleep on her, but her mind was much too awake to relax for as much as a second. The thoughts spun in her head and the feelings pulsated through her body so violently that she felt like she was already having a nightmare. She couldn't control what she was thinking anymore, and her thoughts scared her a little, so she tried to focus on Tiffany, Tiffany and nothing else, and everything would be okay.
Her phone buzzed. The display told her she had a new text, and the phone almost slid out of her sweaty hands. She opened the text and lost her breath.
Recipient: Soo
Sender: Hyoyeon
Hi, soo. i'm sorry i didn't show up last night. you have to believe me though, i really was going to go see you, but something came up, and... i had to change my plans a bit.
yes, it was my father. he went crazy when i told him i was going away, i don't know why, but i got so scared, i thought he was going to kill me.
in a way, i'm almost glad, because it was a reminder that i can't let anyone try to work through this with me. i'm going away now, soo, and i don't think i'm ever going to come back. it's just too much for me to deal with. i'm sorry.
don't try to find me. i'll be much too far away, i've already been on the road for hours. i don't even know where i'm going, so please, don't exhaust yourself trying.
i'm sorry for everything i put you through, i really am, and i'm sorry for giving up, but i just can't do this anymore. my dad keeps calling as i write this so i'll have to stop now.
don't try to contact this number, i'm throwing my phone away as soon as i get to where i'm going. i really liked you, soo, and i used to think that if anyone would save me, it'd be you. but i can't live with dreams like that anymore.
i'm sorry for everything. you're the only thing about my fucked up life i will actually miss.
bye for now, soo.
Taeyeon had been doing everything she could to cheer Sunny up, as she'd seemed really depressed, almost to the point of being sick. Unlike Sooyoung, she never said anything about it, and Taeyeon didn't want to pry when there were other people around.
But now, as the seven girls sat together in a corridor near the entrance to the school, the other girl seemed a lot happier and more energized again. Taeyeon didn't know what caused it, but she was glad. Seeing Sunny sad was unsettling.
"So how about we do something next weekend?" Tiffany suggested, and Taeyeon smiled widely at the thought.
"We have so much homework this week, though, it's not even funny," Yoona said, placing her hand over her eyes at the thought. "I might have to make it a study weekend."
"Me too," Jessica agreed sadly. Yuri squeezed her hand.
"You can study with us?" Tiffany suggested, trying to look innocent, but Jessica, Yoona and Yuri all scoffed at her.
"Yes, cause last time we tried that it ended up so well," Yuri said, rolling her eyes. "You know, for someone who wants us to keep up with school, you're really bad at letting us focus."
Taeyeon was just about to ask what had happened last time, when Sooyoung stormed around the corner and caught sight of their table. The look on her face told her instantly that something was very wrong, and she prepared for the worst. "Sooyoung," she called. "How did it go?"
The tallest walked up to their table with a few angry steps, pointing at Tiffany. "You!" she half screamed. "You knew, didn't you? You knew about her father abusing her!"
Her words went around the table like a string of smoke, and various gasps of shock could be heard. "What?!" Yoona and Seohyun said in unison.
Tiffany stared back at Sooyoung's accusing finger with wide eyes. "I- Yes, I knew," she said.
"Then why didn't you do anything?!" Sooyoung cried, filling her eyes and spilling over her cheeks in a matter of seconds. "Why didn't you help her when you had the chance?"
"Hey, Sooyoung, calm down," Taeyeon said, refusing to hear Sooyoung accuse Tiffany. "What's going on?"
Sooyoung walked over and sank down beside Taeyeon on the bench, giving her the phone and letting her read the text Hyoyeon had sent. She didn't care anymore about keeping secrets for the other girl - how could she have cared to begin with? How could she have let such a ridiculous thought stop her from helping the girl she was in love with?
Taeyeon had tears in her eyes when she finished reading the message, and passed it on to Sunny. The phone wandered around the table, everyone reading the message in silence, and Sooyoung lay down to let her head rest in her best friend's lap.
"She's gone?" Seohyun said quietly after she'd passed the phone on to Jessica.
Sooyoung's body shook as the tears fell in a violent stream, and Taeyeon pushed her fingers through her hair to try to sooth her. "Shh," she cooed, "shh."
"It wasn't supposed to be like this," Sooyoung said, half her brain already in dreamland. "We're supposed to write a song together..."
The other girls exchanged looks over the table as Sooyoung fell into sleep.
Chapter 12: "If it helps you, it's not a waste."