Family Matters: Chapter Fifteen

Oct 17, 2011 12:27


Chapter 15

That Friday everyone important to the spellorgy gathered in the headmaster’s study at Hogwarts. Severus Snape was there to administer the potionlube, Harry and Hermione were there as sperm donors (Hermione finally having won her argument with Harry about donating her abilities), of course Helen and Doug were there, and Albus Dumbledore was there with Minerva McGonagall and Filius Flitwick to actually perform the spellbuttsex.

“All that is left for the potions is three drops of blood from the donor,” Snape said. “If you would, Potter?”

“By all means, Snape,” he answered calmly, and stepped forward to the goblets.

“Wait,” asked Hermione. “What happens if more than three drops of blood go into the potion, Professor?” she asked, stressing his title slightly.

“It will turn the recipient into a sparkly vampire. The effects are unknown, Miss Granger,” came the response, stressing the Miss. “I do not have access to the originator’s design notes, but it can be assumed that three was arrived at after some trial and error. I would not wish to experiment at this point in time,” he said with some condescending asperity. Snape is kind of in character. That surprises me.

“Thank you,” she said brightly, and picked up the silver knife. “Harry, since we’ve agreed to donate together, you put one drop in one goblet and two in the other, and I’ll do the same.” Before Snape could say anything, she pricked her finger and carefully placed her blood in the goblets precisely as she had suggested, and then moved her finger to her mouth. Harry repeated the action, ensuring that neither goblet received more than three drops of blood in total. Both potions flared momentarily, and settled into a pleasant periwinkle blue colour.

“Huh,” Harry mused. “The same colour as your Yule Ball dress in fourth year.” WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

“Yes, quite,” the headmaster replied. “Quite an attractive colour, I must say. I must remember to buy a thong in that color.”

“And quite unexpected that it worked,” the Potions professor sneered. “Even now, when lives could be at stake, you both flout the rules. By rights, it should have been three drops of blood from one person. I take no responsibility for the results of this … this …”

“Bite me, Snape,” Harry said. “I see why my father called you Snivellus now. Is that all you ever do - whine about things?” Seriously? Snape was just trying to be careful. On the other hand, I'm not surprised that Harry's throwing a fit--Snape is the first person in this story (other than the Dursleys) who doesn't kiss his ass.

Once again, the Potions master proved that puce is not a good colour for anyone, especially not someone as pale as himself. Before a full blown fight could happen, Dumbledore looked to the combatants and said, “Perhaps this can be continued after the spell has been completed?”

Harry, at least, managed to look abashed. He stepped back from the goblets, and Dumbledore stepped forward to pick them up. Handing the goblets to the Grangers, he looked to Snape. “Drink it in one draught, correct, Severus?” At the Potions master’s nod, the two brought the goblets to their lips. Doug made a face as he swallowed, but Helen’s reaction made Harry curious about her career as a college student. WHAT WHAT WHAT NO WHAT THE FUCK She simply poured the goblet into her mouth and set it down quickly, only then making a face.

As her husband finished his and set the goblet down, she murmured, “Blech. Feels like a ferret exploded in my mouth.” And how would you know how that tastes? Doug snorted and fought to not burst out laughing.

“How did you drink that so fast?” Hermione asked, astounded. Trust me, honey, you do NOT want to know the answer to that question.

“Chug-a-lug champion at my school. Secret is to open your throat and simply pour.” She smiled. “Shall we start the spell, then?” she asked brightly. She hid it well, but her fear was evident.

As Flitwick and McGonagall began the spell, speaking its original Latin I'm pretty sure that all the spells in canon are Latin. Or made up Latin, Harry reached out and took Hermione’s hand in nervousness. As the High Latin High Latin? That makes zero sense. Actually, it makes less than zero sense. they spoke finally died out, they pointed their wands at the ceiling and began a complex series of swishes, flicks and swoops before finally dropping their wands and sheathing them.

Harry opened his mouth to say something, and suddenly he felt something shoot down his arm to Hermione’s hand, and watched as a cloud of silver flowed from them and settled over her parents. As soon as it was finished, all four quickly settled into chairs Dumbledore created for them. Almost immediately, they fell asleep.

---

Harry and Hermione are now even MORE powerful! Oh joy. Hermione's parents are perfect at magic, and Helen smacks Snape in the face for daring to not kiss Harry's ass.

"The spell is done, and my presence is no longer required, correct?" asked Snape. At the headmaster's nod, he swirled his cloak and left.

"Off he runs to tell Moldie about the wedding," Harry murmured. "I hate this. He brings out the worst in me. I don't like the person I am when I'm near him." I don't like the person you are in this story.

"Might I ask what situation you refer to?" Professor Flitwick asked. "The one that you don't wish him to know about? I will perfectly understand if you choose not to tell me."

"May I request of you that you not tell Professor Snape? I can't stop you from doing so, but I'd simply prefer he not ever find out." Professor Flitwick nodded, and Harry launched into the years at the Dursleys in the alternate universe where they were over-the-top abusive that he could recall. He finally reached the summer they were currently experiencing, and Flitwick's face went red as Harry's voice went flat as he described the treatment he had received from Vernon, and running away, and finding the Grangers. Harry looked down to see that somewhere in his talking, Hermione had taken his hand, and was slicing open his arteries wincing at the strength with which Harry was gripping it. "Oh, I'm sorry, Hermione," he said sadly, bringing her hand to his lips as he loosened his grip. "Why didn't you say something?"

"You needed it, Harry. Besides, when we have children, I'll be doing the same to you, so I'll get mine back." She looked to Flitwick. "We're getting married on my birthday to give him some level of protection. It doesn't hurt that I happen to be madly in love with him." She pulled him closer and kissed his ass cheek.

"Hermione," he said, his heart in his eyes STOP USING THAT PHRASE!, "There isn't a word that describes how I feel about you. Without you, I'm not. You create me, you build me, you complete me." He paused. "And you make me spout really cheesy romance novel lines," he finished with a grin.

"I've watched you these past years, Harry," Flitwick said, "and I can tell you that being with her is apparently excellent for you. This is the happiest I remember seeing you." YOU CALL THIS HAPPY? HE IS A WHINY, MOPEY BRAT.

"Well, when a woman like this gifts you with her love, only an idiot turns it down, and despite a certain professor's opinion of me, I'm no idiot." He kissed her gently on the lips, getting lost in the feelings pouring off her. Oh my god, I love this woman! I just wish I could prove it to her.

He felt startlement, and the kiss broke. Harry? Can you hear what I'm thinking?

His eyebrows rose. "Yes."




Let's prove it. The rain in Spain falls …

"… mostly on the Spaniards," he chuckled. Her eyes went so wide that they looked about ready to drop out of her head. He grinned. It appears to work both ways. Did you note that we have our own bathroom and water closet in that suite? Nice shower, too. He quickly sent an image of her on the night of their handfasting, and she bit her lower lip. This combines every single thing I hate about Harmony fics. I need to make a bingo card or something. Looking up at the assembled teachers, he said, "We appear to be telepathic with each other at the moment."

"Interesting," said Flitwick and McGonagall in unison. Flitwick looked at them and said, "While this effect is in existence, may I study it?"

"You helped my parents understand my world better," Hermione said. "I have no problems with it, although I can't speak for Harry."

"You did in this matter, beloved," he said. "By the way, you have my word as a Gryffindor that I will not give in to Ron's thoughts that I should get Hermione to give me all the answers. Wouldn't make a very good teacher if I cheated to get good grades now, would I?" He grinned at Minerva McGonagall. "At least I didn't give my word as a Junior Marauder." What is with this Junior Marauder crap? I hate it.

The three teachers laughed, and Hermione's parents looked a little confused. He looked to Hermione, and she looked about to burst with pride. He looked at her, puzzled. What? What did I do right?

I'll help when I can, but you promised not to use this to your advantage.

I didn't say that, he chuckled, and sent her a quick burst of his favourite view of her, her face lost in passion beneath him. I wish her face would get lost in a forest full of werewolves.

"Harry!" she gasped, as a Sue Assassin ran her through with a pike.

"Sorry, just earning my membership in the Junior Marauders. So, should we make a trip to Diagon Alley to buy your parents their new wands?"

"Harry," Hermione purred at him, "you're going to die tonight. It'll be with a sword through your heart grin on your face, but it's going to happen."

The look of feigned innocencedead bodies of Harry-Stu and Hermione-Sue brought laughter to everyone's faces.

---

Harry runs into Rita Skeeter in Diagon Alley and tells her she was right about him and Hermione. Then he makes more references to his sex life. I'm not really paying attention, because I'm trying to stop my bleeding eyeballs from rolling out of my head.

Chapter 14 ~ Table of Contents ~ Chapter 16

family matters

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