Final Chapter in the LDS Sparkledammerung Series...
If you happened to miss the previous entries, Book One and Book Two, and then Book Three. There's also a drinking game bingo card
And now a movie recap for this opus is available for you, as well. :)
LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 4: Twinkle Peen and Alien Baby!
Okay, everyone gets that I'm being funny, right? Or that that is the goal? If you are ACTUALLY offended by anything I've written, then I really want you to let me know. AHAHAHAHAHA. I don't give a shit. Scroll, motherf*cker, can you use it? WHEEEE.
Again, allow me to set the tone of these books: "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
~Jack Handy
We last left Bella making wedding preparations, which means she lets Alice do all the work, because it makes Alice so happy to do everything for Bella. Bella's conflicted (no she isn't) with her love for two dudes (just the one, really) and is completely torn up inside over the decision she must make soon (she's already made it, which is why she sent out wedding invitations.) What to do?
Why, get married, of course! Her mom shows up (remember her?) and of course thinks she's beautiful and making the right decision. At 18. Two months after graduating high school. Dad really wishes she was marrying the Local Boy because he forces himself on the girls, and that is awesome! Dad is stuck perpetually in the Bad Cop mode, it seems.
All the ladies help Bella get dressed in her perfect gown for the perfect wedding to the perfect boy and she... is perfect.
See, Jacob is Precious in this scenario. Eta: It seems that after two years, this video has been taken down. It was the scene where Jame Gumb "pretties himself up" in his lady skin and says, "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard." And his dog, Precious - whose fur is cut like a lamb, did you notice? *g* - is his true love. Except for how skin is his true love. I digress. :)
(Hahahaha, here's a great version from Clerks 2 that makes me happy because Jason is hot. I wanna smooch him after he gets that lip balm on.)
Bella is super excited that she's finally going to get boned! Or marbled. Staffed? Who knows, Ed's gonna pop that cherry! The wedding is... what's the word... it starts with a P... ends in erfect... means Cullen...
Eh, it'll come to me later. The reception, however, does not go as smoothly. There's a wolf in the woods howling mournfully! Bella, naturally, goes to her jilted (by her) lover (except they never got past a forced kiss and another forced kiss) and slow dances with him (while he's in cut off sweats and a bare chest, a fact that never fails to crack me up - classy!) TWICE while Edward, good, true, worthy and praiseworthy Edward nobly stands by and watches a dog hump his bride's leg. Okay, that would have been more interesting instead of them awkwardly swaying to "Blame it on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli. (Hahaha, they totally need to use this song in the movie. If there's a movie of this book, I'll eat my computer.)
They get in a fancy car and race to the airport. But wait, there's more! They rush to a jet to fly to South America - Bella has no idea where they're going - and the get to Brazil. But wait, there's more! They get on a BOAT and sail into the ocean. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!! They land on a deserted island that Esme owns and get to hang out in paradise with no one around to witness the SPARKLE PEEN.
...of which we never find out because Edward goes out at night. (Yes, but does he wear his sunglasses at night, so he can, so he can watch Bella weave [?] then breath her story lines? Are you just now realizing how weird that song is? It's weird.) In the one bit of writing that I actually found to be good, SMeyers has Bella nervously going through her luggage - Alice packed because Bella would bring a lumpy ugly sweater NOT knit by Edward, and probably some dirty cut-off sweats and flip flops. Edward is a man of distinction and needs his lady to look the part, I thank you!
So Bella goes through her luggage and sees all the sexy lingerie that Alice packed and she's nervous because no one has ever seen her body or touched her sexually and now she has to PERFORM and that's pretty scary, actually. She really did describe the nervousness a virgin would feel at that moment. Bella sucks it up, goes out in something skimpy, and sees Edward standing naked in the water, looking out at the waves and the moonlight, because he is a gentleman and doesn't want to freak her out. Again, that was a nice touch. (See? I'm not a complete bitch.)
Bella takes off her clothes, goes out to the water and lays a hand on Edward, who is hard as marble, perfectly white, blah blah blah and you've lost my good favor, SMeyers.
Now comes the explicit sex scene!!
This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.
His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
"Forever," he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
....
...???
Or maybe not. So the camera pans to the crashing of the sea. You know what would have worked there? A metaphor. Oh, wait. HEY! The first one she's used in four books! *applauds* Well played. Except for how you've built up all this need for your readers to find out if the peen sparkles, and you PAN TO THE OCEAN. Just a little taste? Bah. So, here's what I think happened.
A unicorn comes to Bella and pierces her ladyhood with its majestic horn, completing the journey from girlhood to womanhood. Edward admires the sparkle on the horn while making sand sculptures in a glass jar.
(Side note, I don't care, I love that movie. "Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!" My younger sister and I used to watch that over and over again. It always gave me a thrill that they said "damn" in it because I was a very virtuous and innocent teen, apparently.)
Bella and Edward stare longingly into each others eyes until Edward hollers out, "Hey, Kool-Aid man!" and then Kool Aid man bursts through Bella's hymen.
The last seems more likely as the next morning when Bella wakes up, she's mottled head to toe with deep purple bruises. In a PAINFULLY long bit of "forced misunderstanding" Edward is all pissy with Bella that morning, won't even LOOK at her, and Bella can't figure out why, which makes her sad and nervous and more sad and fearing that she's a bad lay because Edward is perfect and she's worthless and stupid and fat and gross and can't even make a proper souffle.
Buffy: "I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?"
Angelus: "You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro." [/sarcasm]
TAKE NOTE, SMEYERS. That's how you do it. Short, to the point, boom. Not EIGHT PAGES of forced "what did I do?" "I won't tell you, GUESS."
Turns out? Edward is really just mad at HIMSELF because he hurt Bella. Go get some ice for your forehead, readers. You'll need it. although, one of the FUNNIEST UNINTENTIONAL JOKES EVER slips in:
Edward, describing their sexcapades the night before: "I bit a pillow. Or two." Did Emmet show up and no one noticed? And where the hell is THAT fic? They don't call him STIFFler for nothing, people!
"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure."
I say! Do go on about this pleasure! Could it be that slipping the canoe to Mrs. Tolliver is as pleasurable as a fine glass of scotch after a hunt? Indubitably! Who should have ever guessed that a trip to the Lake District could be as scrummy as Mother's scones with clotted cream. I never did know that a little rumpy pumpy could get the old ticker tocking again, ho ho! *point to trouser fronts* And look at this! What a stonker!"
Edward won't touch her again because he can't stand the thought of hurting her, even though Bella's all, "I like it rough." And he's like, "No, you are a special, holy vessel and I shouldn't tarnish you. The rest of your humanity will be filled with longing for the sparkle peen!"
Except for how she guilts him into boning her a few weeks later. He bites a chunk out of the bed. Again I ask: Emmet? Are you hiding somewhere?
And Bella's like, "I should have boned Jacob - he'd show me doggy style!"
And Edward's all, "Well maybe you should if you want fleas!"
And Bella goes, "What does that even mean?"
And Edwards like, "Tchuh. Don't you know the old parable?"
Bella: Eh?
Edward: *EYE ROLL* Who lies down with dogs...
Bella's like, "Ih?"
Edward's with the "...comes up with fleas. My lands, don't they teach you anything in those abominable schools, child?"
And none of this happened because that would be interesting. Instead, they admire the beautiful tropical surroundings and Edward sparkles on the beach like so many sand crystals. And Bella starts eating lots and lots and lots of eggs.
Someone remind me... what are eggs symbolic of? I can't remember. I'm sure it won't matter. Bella goes through her suitcase after two weeks of beach sparkling and sees a box of tampons.
...what day is it??? Some menstruation math and OH MY GOSH. Bella doesn't need her tampons, and she SHOULD need them. That must explain the eggs! And the huge baby bump. As soon as she acknowledges the growing protrusion from her belly (no, I'm serious) it MOVES. Or rather, nudges her, giving her a nickname for the fetus: Nudge. And please notice that the baby IMMEDIATELY responds to her knowing it's there, because life begins at acknowledgement that conception happened, or something.
Also, AS SOON AS SHE REALIZES she's pregnant, she comes to the conclusion that she loves it. And this explains the weird dreams she's been having of the end of the book of a baby that she has to protect, no matter what. Because she loves her little blastosphere.
Edward, on the other hand, takes a different stance. KILL IT. BURN IT. FILL IT WITH LEAD. Why? Because he knows that it will kill her, and the only time it's okay to have an abortion is when the mother's life is on the line. Unless your Bishop is Mitt Romney, and then you need to die for your baby so you can go to heaven and be a Good Mother.
But Bella is filled with righteousness and will not allow it. Also, after a few weeks, it's like she's 5 months pregnant. *cough* They leave paradise and go to the Cullen home so she can sit on a couch looking feeble and wan and they can all sit around worshiping her. NO THAT IS NOT WEIRD.
And this is where Bella's story ends and Jacob's pick up, because SMeyers didn't want to write from the perspective of a pregnant woman, because then she might have to acknowledge things about herself that she can only hint at.*
DO NOT try and tell me "too soon." That's fucking hilarious, and you know it. Hahahaha.
*I think Steph is angry that she married young and had babies immediately but doesn't feel free to say that because in the LDS life, you have to always be Perfect and Happy and Joyous and can never complain ever about your duty as a woman (marry, have many babies, make them grow up to be good Mormons, too, to get married, have babies, etc.) So she makes a super speedy pregnancy with everyone around her Bella waiting on her hand and foot. Just like real life! And seriously, they ALL stand around her, watching and waiting.
And guess who loves her most of all? Rosalie! Because she can be a helpmate to the mother, a foot soldier to Bella's general in the war on childlessness, as she never will get that joy on earth and she's just happy to be nominated. Er, a mother to others. But hang on, Roaslie! In the afterlife you'll get to have all sorts of babies. In the meantime, you need to be there for the woman who isn't broken, the one that can HAVE babies. She is your queen, BOW TO HER.
Another thing I want to mention about the culture in the LDS faith: obviously, babies are Important, and the more you have, the more you are clearly blessed. Sucks to be you, childless! Well, you'll have babies in heaven. Sucks to be you, too, unmarried! Well, you'll be married in heaven, then you can have babies and have some worth. The thing is that you HAVE TO REMIND PEOPLE that your baby was conceived AFTER you were properly married.
No less than FOUR TIMES in one year (no, really) I heard couples stand up IN CHURCH SERVICE and explain how their baby was born a week early, so anyone doing the 9 month math will know that it was a honeymoon baby BORN EARLY. This happened FOUR TIMES in one year while I was living in Utah. And everyone in the congregation chuckles, and makes mental notes that they were Righteous. Does this happen in any other church? Because I don't think I've ever heard of this happening in any other service I've attended over the years. Good lord.
Another thing, I had a couple of married guys at a place I worked while going to college in Utah explain to me that having sex after being married in the temple is the greatest thing ever. Having sex before that is cheap and ugly. (Only if you're picking up whores on the docks while drunk, I wanted to say.) Once they finished I was all, "I'm going to go take the bread basket out to the table now, cool? Jeeeeeeeesus."
Again, sex is talked about ALL THE TIME. If you aren't married, you shouldn't have it. You shouldn't do it. This: *diagrams with laser pointers* Let me explain all the ways that you can have sex. Now don't do it. <-- in church, in the break-off Sunday school classes, in Firesides (Sunday night hour long lectures,) on Wed. night break-off classes for the different sexes... Sex is constantly talked about. It's really fucking weird.
One of the meanest men ever to run the church, Spencer W. Kimball, outlined in a book all the ways that you can consider yourself having sex (dry humping, necking, open mouth kissing, touching yourself beyond just soaping up the dirty bits) and made the reader feel like absolute shit if you didn't lie prostrate every night, pleading for forgiveness for any of these sins. But then, once you go through the temple, get your ugly garments, have your husband touch you through a veil, call your name and pull you through the vagina veil which means you are married, you need to boink like bunnies and make lots and lots of square-jawed righteous babies. But no oral sex, because it is unnatural, impure and unholy. (And I think we know that Bella and Edward don't do that because Bella isn't picking glitter out of her teeth come morning.)
Hahaha, don't you think his sperm glows? Like little disco balls with tails of FIRE!
JACOB'S STORY
Hi, remember me? Pawn in Bella's need to make time pass? And how I tried to make her love me and used guilt tactics, etc? I'm awesome. Also, I'm all sad that she's married and is going to be a vampire. Let's listen to the story from my perspective!
I want to imprint with her. You know, like my buddy did with the toddler! That's romantic. Also, we werewolves can hear each others thoughts, so it's AWESOME that they get to imagine all the things I imagine. We don't use quotation marks when we communicate. That's not irritating, right? You won't get bored with mental conversations for chapter upon chapter, will you? Sure, sure, you like it.
So I show up when Bella comes home, and no one will let me see her, so I assume she's turned and will drink my blood or something. But i don't care what they want, I go see her and SHE IS PREGNANT.
And the baby is killing her. And - because I'm rational like Edward for once - I think we should kill the evil thing inside her. But Rosalie and Bella won't let me.
Through a series of boring events, I stick around ALL THE TIME with two werewolves as my pals-in-arms, and wait for Bella to have the baby. The baby is eating Mommy from the inside out. That's gross! Turns out the baby wants blood. Natch. Bella gets a SIPPY CUP O' B POSITIVE all the time. The baby grows. Edward can hear its thoughts!
"One of you, daddy..... one of yooooooou!"
And it turns out that the baby is crazy strong and starts breaking Bella apart from the inside. Ribs, bruising her organs, etc. Then, Bella's SPINE BREAKS, wheee! But no one can give her a C-Section, because the baby is in a protective vampire-marble womb. WHAT CAN WE DO?
TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH - scroll to the next blink
Let's get Edward, with his super strong diamond teeth, to BITE THE BABY OUT OF THE UTERUS. And describe all the blood and gore. WHAT A GREAT IDEA. And while this is happening, Bella is AWAKE. And dying. So I give her CPR while Edward does his "surgery."
The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward's face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth: a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.
Edward: OM NOM NOM
Bella's Uterus: Open Says Me!
There's blood on the floor, blood on the hospital bed that's in the house, blood on the walls, blood dripping off everything, and it's pretty damn gory, considering that these have been the most G rated vampire tales ever. This is where some knowledge of other gothic pregnancies could have helped. Rosemary's Baby? No blood. Arguably one of the freakiest baby stories around. "Its eyes! What did you do to its eyes!??"
(See how she wants to kill it? She is smart.)
But we have this, instead:
(made by gnarkyfucks and STOP HOTLINKING. Freaking upload it to your own server, lazy ass.)
Or possibly this.
"Turn on the reactor, Quaaaaaaid!"
But we readers know that Bella is going to be a vampire, so eh. Edward takes a syringe and injects his "venom" into her heart, bites her all over, and she fades to black in absolute agony. Jacob goes out to find the evil baby and KILL IT. KILL IT DEAD.
...BYE, JACOB!
BELLA AGAIN - YOU CAN COME BACK
She comes to on fire, but will not scream out in pain, because what good will that do? (Please check that link and CTL F the word "leg." Uh huh. I see where this idea comes from, SMeyers.)
The story shifts back to Bella because now she's not pregnant with an evil sprog and she comes to. They allow her to see her baby, everyone in battle positions. But Bella is super awesome and holy and eternal now, so OF COURSE she wouldn't hurt her baby, because she doesn't have post partum, and even if she did, there are methods and vitamins she could take, and now you are being glib, Matt Lauer, and you don't know psychology, I know psychology.
...wrong cult. Er, religion.
Anyhoo, turns out that the baby she had is no longer a baby! It's almost a toddler. But the BEST PART: JACOB HAS IMPRINTED ON THE BABY. See, guys, that's why he thought he was in love with Bella, because he was in love with a ovum residing in her ovary. And SHE loves Jacob because deep down she knew that he would become her son.
WHAT. Actually, Bella is properly freaked, but gets over it quickly. Meanwhile, Jacob will NOT leave his child bride alone and if I was in the story I would have hustled his non-related ass right on out of my house because MAMA BEAR trumps BOYFRIEND WOLF or whatever. GROSS.
AND. The baby's NAME. Who are the moms? Renee and Esme. Let's put them together in the weirdest way possible and we get RENESMEE. Her nickname? Nessie. Which pisses Bella off. But everyone calls her that and what can Mom do? Oh well. Turns out the baby has a gift: she gives people visions. She can communicate like an adult even though she's a baby and that ALSO is not creepy. She has to touch your face and look intently and there you go, now you know everything she needs you to know.
The LigerRENESMEE is actually a HYBRID, both human and a vampire. She won't eat food, she likes blood. But she's alive and can change. And anyone that looks at her falls in love with her. WHATEVER.
Side note, the Hoggle Zoo, SLC's zoo, had a liger for years, which is why it was a joke in Napoleon Dynamite, which made me laugh.
A friendly vampire sees Bella and Jacob and Renesmee out one afternoon (because Jacob is fucking creepy and won't leave the baby alone) and goes to rat them out to the Pope, assuming that Bella made a baby, because no one's ever MADE a vampire baby and lived to tell the tale.
Battle stations! The Vatican is coming to rain a fire of justice and bad assery on the Cullens, so they get going. Which means Bjork and Quaalude skip town. And a bunch of random ass vampires we've never heard of show up to BEAR WITNESS that the baby grows and isn't a baby turned.
PLEASE NOTE THE LANGUAGE USED. They repeatedly say that "we will bear witness." Who talks like that? Mormons. *cough* all of those witnesses said later that they lied, even though every LDS person I know says that isn't true, they fell away because of sin. Alrighty. You keep telling yourself that and paying your tithe.
We find out all about the powers of the new vampires, have lots of conversations, someone say the X-Men and worked off that - or maybe the Laffolympics, I'm not sure - and then we find out that BELLA has a gift, too! You know how Edward can read minds, but not hers? THAT IS HER GIFT. A rubbery shield that protects her brain meat. She learns how to stretch that out and protect people under the rubber shield. Can she save them all from the Catholics?!
THE EPIC BATTLE OF EPICNESS!!
The Volturri (Catholics) show up and a lot of detail is put into describing their walking out into a formation like a flower opening up, they finally agree that the baby wasn't turned, and everyone goes home. But it was tense, for like, thirty pages of posturing. Best. Battle. Never. (But see? It's like a chess game of strategery, and that's why there is a chess Queen on the cover!! CLEVAH.)
and Bella and Edward go to their little cabin in the woods and make love a bunch (we assume) and Emmet teases them in front of everyone about their having sex,
(Every one of my cousins, aunts, LDS friends, etc., all looooove to talk about newlyweds finally having sex, because it's so funny to see the de-virgined folks blush, hee! Wow, intrusive.)
Bella, with her new vamp senses, never realized JUST how beautiful Edward REALLY was. NOW she can really see his perfection, so there are several pages of how perfect he REALLY is, oh, and she is, too, because now she is converted and eternal, everyone lives happily ever after! The last line of the book:
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.
THE END.
****
SMeyers likes to say that this book is just like The Merchant of Venice. Which, if that's the case, Jacob is Shylock, and ONCE AGAIN the freaking LDS with their "Indians are Jews" stuff. Yes, this tale of sparkly vamp peens is JUST LIKE SHAKESPEARE.
SMEyers, on her website, explains why Bella IS a feminist heroine:
"One of the weird things about modern feminism is that some feminists seem to be putting their own limits on women's choices. That feels backward to me. It's as if you can't choose a family on your own terms and still be considered a strong woman. How is that empowering? Are there rules about if, when, and how we love or marry and if, when, and how we have kids? Are there jobs we can and can't have in order to be a "real" feminist? To me, those limitations seem anti-feminist in basic principle."
See, staying at home and having babies right away is the NEW feminist ideal! THAT is new and THAT is a choice! Talk about backwards! I like how the mindset is that these bra-burning, hairy-legged, lesbonic working women having abortions all over the place and not wearing lipstick are so backwards, the new anti-feminist.
Being FEMININE is not the same as being a FEMINIST, you knucklehead.
Finally, she concludes on her page: I think I need a break from vampires.
SO SAY WE ALL.
THE END, Y'ALL. I'm off for a margarita. I think I deserve some tequila.
[ETA] just have to say, I know about Midnight Sun, her flouncing, and have actually read it. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep going. It's not any new revelations from an LDS perspective, just really REALLY creepy. Like how Edward has to puke up any food he eats. OH MY GOD. NO ME GUSTA. Neccesita mas tequila...
[ETA 2] And now a movie recap for this opus is available for you, as well. :)
And now a movie recap for this opus is available for you, as well. :)
LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 4: Twinkle Peen and Alien Baby!
Okay, everyone gets that I'm being funny, right? Or that that is the goal? If you are ACTUALLY offended by anything I've written, then I really want you to let me know. AHAHAHAHAHA. I don't give a shit. Scroll, motherf*cker, can you use it? WHEEEE.
Again, allow me to set the tone of these books: "I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye."
"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."
~Jack Handy
We last left Bella making wedding preparations, which means she lets Alice do all the work, because it makes Alice so happy to do everything for Bella. Bella's conflicted (no she isn't) with her love for two dudes (just the one, really) and is completely torn up inside over the decision she must make soon (she's already made it, which is why she sent out wedding invitations.) What to do?
Why, get married, of course! Her mom shows up (remember her?) and of course thinks she's beautiful and making the right decision. At 18. Two months after graduating high school. Dad really wishes she was marrying the Local Boy because he forces himself on the girls, and that is awesome! Dad is stuck perpetually in the Bad Cop mode, it seems.
All the ladies help Bella get dressed in her perfect gown for the perfect wedding to the perfect boy and she... is perfect.
Click to viewSee, Jacob is Precious in this scenario. Eta: It seems that after two years, this video has been taken down. It was the scene where Jame Gumb "pretties himself up" in his lady skin and says, "I'd fuck me. I'd fuck me so hard." And his dog, Precious - whose fur is cut like a lamb, did you notice? *g* - is his true love. Except for how skin is his true love. I digress. :)
(Hahahaha, here's a great version from Clerks 2 that makes me happy because Jason is hot. I wanna smooch him after he gets that lip balm on.)
Bella is super excited that she's finally going to get boned! Or marbled. Staffed? Who knows, Ed's gonna pop that cherry! The wedding is... what's the word... it starts with a P... ends in erfect... means Cullen...
Eh, it'll come to me later. The reception, however, does not go as smoothly. There's a wolf in the woods howling mournfully! Bella, naturally, goes to her jilted (by her) lover (except they never got past a forced kiss and another forced kiss) and slow dances with him (while he's in cut off sweats and a bare chest, a fact that never fails to crack me up - classy!) TWICE while Edward, good, true, worthy and praiseworthy Edward nobly stands by and watches a dog hump his bride's leg. Okay, that would have been more interesting instead of them awkwardly swaying to "Blame it on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli. (Hahaha, they totally need to use this song in the movie. If there's a movie of this book, I'll eat my computer.)
They get in a fancy car and race to the airport. But wait, there's more! They rush to a jet to fly to South America - Bella has no idea where they're going - and the get to Brazil. But wait, there's more! They get on a BOAT and sail into the ocean. BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!! They land on a deserted island that Esme owns and get to hang out in paradise with no one around to witness the SPARKLE PEEN.
...of which we never find out because Edward goes out at night. (Yes, but does he wear his sunglasses at night, so he can, so he can watch Bella weave [?] then breath her story lines? Are you just now realizing how weird that song is? It's weird.) In the one bit of writing that I actually found to be good, SMeyers has Bella nervously going through her luggage - Alice packed because Bella would bring a lumpy ugly sweater NOT knit by Edward, and probably some dirty cut-off sweats and flip flops. Edward is a man of distinction and needs his lady to look the part, I thank you!
So Bella goes through her luggage and sees all the sexy lingerie that Alice packed and she's nervous because no one has ever seen her body or touched her sexually and now she has to PERFORM and that's pretty scary, actually. She really did describe the nervousness a virgin would feel at that moment. Bella sucks it up, goes out in something skimpy, and sees Edward standing naked in the water, looking out at the waves and the moonlight, because he is a gentleman and doesn't want to freak her out. Again, that was a nice touch. (See? I'm not a complete bitch.)
Bella takes off her clothes, goes out to the water and lays a hand on Edward, who is hard as marble, perfectly white, blah blah blah and you've lost my good favor, SMeyers.
Now comes the explicit sex scene!!
This moment was so perfect, so right, there was no way to doubt it.
His arms wrapped around me, holding me against him, summer and winter. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was a live wire.
"Forever," he agreed, and then pulled us gently into deeper water.
....
...???
Or maybe not. So the camera pans to the crashing of the sea. You know what would have worked there? A metaphor. Oh, wait. HEY! The first one she's used in four books! *applauds* Well played. Except for how you've built up all this need for your readers to find out if the peen sparkles, and you PAN TO THE OCEAN. Just a little taste? Bah. So, here's what I think happened.
A unicorn comes to Bella and pierces her ladyhood with its majestic horn, completing the journey from girlhood to womanhood. Edward admires the sparkle on the horn while making sand sculptures in a glass jar.
(Side note, I don't care, I love that movie. "Where were you when I was new? When I was one of those innocent young maidens you always come to? How dare you! How dare you come to me now, when I am this!" My younger sister and I used to watch that over and over again. It always gave me a thrill that they said "damn" in it because I was a very virtuous and innocent teen, apparently.)
Bella and Edward stare longingly into each others eyes until Edward hollers out, "Hey, Kool-Aid man!" and then Kool Aid man bursts through Bella's hymen.
The last seems more likely as the next morning when Bella wakes up, she's mottled head to toe with deep purple bruises. In a PAINFULLY long bit of "forced misunderstanding" Edward is all pissy with Bella that morning, won't even LOOK at her, and Bella can't figure out why, which makes her sad and nervous and more sad and fearing that she's a bad lay because Edward is perfect and she's worthless and stupid and fat and gross and can't even make a proper souffle.
Buffy: "I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?"
Angelus: "You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro." [/sarcasm]
TAKE NOTE, SMEYERS. That's how you do it. Short, to the point, boom. Not EIGHT PAGES of forced "what did I do?" "I won't tell you, GUESS."
Turns out? Edward is really just mad at HIMSELF because he hurt Bella. Go get some ice for your forehead, readers. You'll need it. although, one of the FUNNIEST UNINTENTIONAL JOKES EVER slips in:
Edward, describing their sexcapades the night before: "I bit a pillow. Or two." Did Emmet show up and no one noticed? And where the hell is THAT fic? They don't call him STIFFler for nothing, people!
"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure."
I say! Do go on about this pleasure! Could it be that slipping the canoe to Mrs. Tolliver is as pleasurable as a fine glass of scotch after a hunt? Indubitably! Who should have ever guessed that a trip to the Lake District could be as scrummy as Mother's scones with clotted cream. I never did know that a little rumpy pumpy could get the old ticker tocking again, ho ho! *point to trouser fronts* And look at this! What a stonker!"
Edward won't touch her again because he can't stand the thought of hurting her, even though Bella's all, "I like it rough." And he's like, "No, you are a special, holy vessel and I shouldn't tarnish you. The rest of your humanity will be filled with longing for the sparkle peen!"
Except for how she guilts him into boning her a few weeks later. He bites a chunk out of the bed. Again I ask: Emmet? Are you hiding somewhere?
And Bella's like, "I should have boned Jacob - he'd show me doggy style!"
And Edward's all, "Well maybe you should if you want fleas!"
And Bella goes, "What does that even mean?"
And Edwards like, "Tchuh. Don't you know the old parable?"
Bella: Eh?
Edward: *EYE ROLL* Who lies down with dogs...
Bella's like, "Ih?"
Edward's with the "...comes up with fleas. My lands, don't they teach you anything in those abominable schools, child?"
And none of this happened because that would be interesting. Instead, they admire the beautiful tropical surroundings and Edward sparkles on the beach like so many sand crystals. And Bella starts eating lots and lots and lots of eggs.
Someone remind me... what are eggs symbolic of? I can't remember. I'm sure it won't matter. Bella goes through her suitcase after two weeks of beach sparkling and sees a box of tampons.
...what day is it??? Some menstruation math and OH MY GOSH. Bella doesn't need her tampons, and she SHOULD need them. That must explain the eggs! And the huge baby bump. As soon as she acknowledges the growing protrusion from her belly (no, I'm serious) it MOVES. Or rather, nudges her, giving her a nickname for the fetus: Nudge. And please notice that the baby IMMEDIATELY responds to her knowing it's there, because life begins at acknowledgement that conception happened, or something.
Also, AS SOON AS SHE REALIZES she's pregnant, she comes to the conclusion that she loves it. And this explains the weird dreams she's been having of the end of the book of a baby that she has to protect, no matter what. Because she loves her little blastosphere.
Edward, on the other hand, takes a different stance. KILL IT. BURN IT. FILL IT WITH LEAD. Why? Because he knows that it will kill her, and the only time it's okay to have an abortion is when the mother's life is on the line. Unless your Bishop is Mitt Romney, and then you need to die for your baby so you can go to heaven and be a Good Mother.
But Bella is filled with righteousness and will not allow it. Also, after a few weeks, it's like she's 5 months pregnant. *cough* They leave paradise and go to the Cullen home so she can sit on a couch looking feeble and wan and they can all sit around worshiping her. NO THAT IS NOT WEIRD.
And this is where Bella's story ends and Jacob's pick up, because SMeyers didn't want to write from the perspective of a pregnant woman, because then she might have to acknowledge things about herself that she can only hint at.*
DO NOT try and tell me "too soon." That's fucking hilarious, and you know it. Hahahaha.
*I think Steph is angry that she married young and had babies immediately but doesn't feel free to say that because in the LDS life, you have to always be Perfect and Happy and Joyous and can never complain ever about your duty as a woman (marry, have many babies, make them grow up to be good Mormons, too, to get married, have babies, etc.) So she makes a super speedy pregnancy with everyone around her Bella waiting on her hand and foot. Just like real life! And seriously, they ALL stand around her, watching and waiting.
And guess who loves her most of all? Rosalie! Because she can be a helpmate to the mother, a foot soldier to Bella's general in the war on childlessness, as she never will get that joy on earth and she's just happy to be nominated. Er, a mother to others. But hang on, Roaslie! In the afterlife you'll get to have all sorts of babies. In the meantime, you need to be there for the woman who isn't broken, the one that can HAVE babies. She is your queen, BOW TO HER.
Another thing I want to mention about the culture in the LDS faith: obviously, babies are Important, and the more you have, the more you are clearly blessed. Sucks to be you, childless! Well, you'll have babies in heaven. Sucks to be you, too, unmarried! Well, you'll be married in heaven, then you can have babies and have some worth. The thing is that you HAVE TO REMIND PEOPLE that your baby was conceived AFTER you were properly married.
No less than FOUR TIMES in one year (no, really) I heard couples stand up IN CHURCH SERVICE and explain how their baby was born a week early, so anyone doing the 9 month math will know that it was a honeymoon baby BORN EARLY. This happened FOUR TIMES in one year while I was living in Utah. And everyone in the congregation chuckles, and makes mental notes that they were Righteous. Does this happen in any other church? Because I don't think I've ever heard of this happening in any other service I've attended over the years. Good lord.
Another thing, I had a couple of married guys at a place I worked while going to college in Utah explain to me that having sex after being married in the temple is the greatest thing ever. Having sex before that is cheap and ugly. (Only if you're picking up whores on the docks while drunk, I wanted to say.) Once they finished I was all, "I'm going to go take the bread basket out to the table now, cool? Jeeeeeeeesus."
Again, sex is talked about ALL THE TIME. If you aren't married, you shouldn't have it. You shouldn't do it. This: *diagrams with laser pointers* Let me explain all the ways that you can have sex. Now don't do it. <-- in church, in the break-off Sunday school classes, in Firesides (Sunday night hour long lectures,) on Wed. night break-off classes for the different sexes... Sex is constantly talked about. It's really fucking weird.
One of the meanest men ever to run the church, Spencer W. Kimball, outlined in a book all the ways that you can consider yourself having sex (dry humping, necking, open mouth kissing, touching yourself beyond just soaping up the dirty bits) and made the reader feel like absolute shit if you didn't lie prostrate every night, pleading for forgiveness for any of these sins. But then, once you go through the temple, get your ugly garments, have your husband touch you through a veil, call your name and pull you through the vagina veil which means you are married, you need to boink like bunnies and make lots and lots of square-jawed righteous babies. But no oral sex, because it is unnatural, impure and unholy. (And I think we know that Bella and Edward don't do that because Bella isn't picking glitter out of her teeth come morning.)
Hahaha, don't you think his sperm glows? Like little disco balls with tails of FIRE!
JACOB'S STORY
Hi, remember me? Pawn in Bella's need to make time pass? And how I tried to make her love me and used guilt tactics, etc? I'm awesome. Also, I'm all sad that she's married and is going to be a vampire. Let's listen to the story from my perspective!
I want to imprint with her. You know, like my buddy did with the toddler! That's romantic. Also, we werewolves can hear each others thoughts, so it's AWESOME that they get to imagine all the things I imagine. We don't use quotation marks when we communicate. That's not irritating, right? You won't get bored with mental conversations for chapter upon chapter, will you? Sure, sure, you like it.
So I show up when Bella comes home, and no one will let me see her, so I assume she's turned and will drink my blood or something. But i don't care what they want, I go see her and SHE IS PREGNANT.
And the baby is killing her. And - because I'm rational like Edward for once - I think we should kill the evil thing inside her. But Rosalie and Bella won't let me.
Through a series of boring events, I stick around ALL THE TIME with two werewolves as my pals-in-arms, and wait for Bella to have the baby. The baby is eating Mommy from the inside out. That's gross! Turns out the baby wants blood. Natch. Bella gets a SIPPY CUP O' B POSITIVE all the time. The baby grows. Edward can hear its thoughts!
"One of you, daddy..... one of yooooooou!"
And it turns out that the baby is crazy strong and starts breaking Bella apart from the inside. Ribs, bruising her organs, etc. Then, Bella's SPINE BREAKS, wheee! But no one can give her a C-Section, because the baby is in a protective vampire-marble womb. WHAT CAN WE DO?
TURN BACK NOW IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH - scroll to the next blink
Let's get Edward, with his super strong diamond teeth, to BITE THE BABY OUT OF THE UTERUS. And describe all the blood and gore. WHAT A GREAT IDEA. And while this is happening, Bella is AWAKE. And dying. So I give her CPR while Edward does his "surgery."
The next sound jolted through me, unexpected, terrifying. Like metal being shredded apart. The sound brought back the fight in the clearing so many months ago, the tearing sound of the newborns being ripped apart. I glanced over to see Edward's face pressed against the bulge. Vampire teeth: a surefire way to cut through vampire skin.
Edward: OM NOM NOM
Bella's Uterus: Open Says Me!
There's blood on the floor, blood on the hospital bed that's in the house, blood on the walls, blood dripping off everything, and it's pretty damn gory, considering that these have been the most G rated vampire tales ever. This is where some knowledge of other gothic pregnancies could have helped. Rosemary's Baby? No blood. Arguably one of the freakiest baby stories around. "Its eyes! What did you do to its eyes!??"
(See how she wants to kill it? She is smart.)
But we have this, instead:
(made by gnarkyfucks and STOP HOTLINKING. Freaking upload it to your own server, lazy ass.)
Or possibly this.
"Turn on the reactor, Quaaaaaaid!"
But we readers know that Bella is going to be a vampire, so eh. Edward takes a syringe and injects his "venom" into her heart, bites her all over, and she fades to black in absolute agony. Jacob goes out to find the evil baby and KILL IT. KILL IT DEAD.
...BYE, JACOB!
BELLA AGAIN - YOU CAN COME BACK
She comes to on fire, but will not scream out in pain, because what good will that do? (Please check that link and CTL F the word "leg." Uh huh. I see where this idea comes from, SMeyers.)
The story shifts back to Bella because now she's not pregnant with an evil sprog and she comes to. They allow her to see her baby, everyone in battle positions. But Bella is super awesome and holy and eternal now, so OF COURSE she wouldn't hurt her baby, because she doesn't have post partum, and even if she did, there are methods and vitamins she could take, and now you are being glib, Matt Lauer, and you don't know psychology, I know psychology.
...wrong cult. Er, religion.
Anyhoo, turns out that the baby she had is no longer a baby! It's almost a toddler. But the BEST PART: JACOB HAS IMPRINTED ON THE BABY. See, guys, that's why he thought he was in love with Bella, because he was in love with a ovum residing in her ovary. And SHE loves Jacob because deep down she knew that he would become her son.
WHAT. Actually, Bella is properly freaked, but gets over it quickly. Meanwhile, Jacob will NOT leave his child bride alone and if I was in the story I would have hustled his non-related ass right on out of my house because MAMA BEAR trumps BOYFRIEND WOLF or whatever. GROSS.
AND. The baby's NAME. Who are the moms? Renee and Esme. Let's put them together in the weirdest way possible and we get RENESMEE. Her nickname? Nessie. Which pisses Bella off. But everyone calls her that and what can Mom do? Oh well. Turns out the baby has a gift: she gives people visions. She can communicate like an adult even though she's a baby and that ALSO is not creepy. She has to touch your face and look intently and there you go, now you know everything she needs you to know.
The LigerRENESMEE is actually a HYBRID, both human and a vampire. She won't eat food, she likes blood. But she's alive and can change. And anyone that looks at her falls in love with her. WHATEVER.
Side note, the Hoggle Zoo, SLC's zoo, had a liger for years, which is why it was a joke in Napoleon Dynamite, which made me laugh.
A friendly vampire sees Bella and Jacob and Renesmee out one afternoon (because Jacob is fucking creepy and won't leave the baby alone) and goes to rat them out to the Pope, assuming that Bella made a baby, because no one's ever MADE a vampire baby and lived to tell the tale.
Battle stations! The Vatican is coming to rain a fire of justice and bad assery on the Cullens, so they get going. Which means Bjork and Quaalude skip town. And a bunch of random ass vampires we've never heard of show up to BEAR WITNESS that the baby grows and isn't a baby turned.
PLEASE NOTE THE LANGUAGE USED. They repeatedly say that "we will bear witness." Who talks like that? Mormons. *cough* all of those witnesses said later that they lied, even though every LDS person I know says that isn't true, they fell away because of sin. Alrighty. You keep telling yourself that and paying your tithe.
We find out all about the powers of the new vampires, have lots of conversations, someone say the X-Men and worked off that - or maybe the Laffolympics, I'm not sure - and then we find out that BELLA has a gift, too! You know how Edward can read minds, but not hers? THAT IS HER GIFT. A rubbery shield that protects her brain meat. She learns how to stretch that out and protect people under the rubber shield. Can she save them all from the Catholics?!
THE EPIC BATTLE OF EPICNESS!!
The Volturri (Catholics) show up and a lot of detail is put into describing their walking out into a formation like a flower opening up, they finally agree that the baby wasn't turned, and everyone goes home. But it was tense, for like, thirty pages of posturing. Best. Battle. Never. (But see? It's like a chess game of strategery, and that's why there is a chess Queen on the cover!! CLEVAH.)
and Bella and Edward go to their little cabin in the woods and make love a bunch (we assume) and Emmet teases them in front of everyone about their having sex,
(Every one of my cousins, aunts, LDS friends, etc., all looooove to talk about newlyweds finally having sex, because it's so funny to see the de-virgined folks blush, hee! Wow, intrusive.)
Bella, with her new vamp senses, never realized JUST how beautiful Edward REALLY was. NOW she can really see his perfection, so there are several pages of how perfect he REALLY is, oh, and she is, too, because now she is converted and eternal, everyone lives happily ever after! The last line of the book:
And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.
THE END.
****
SMeyers likes to say that this book is just like The Merchant of Venice. Which, if that's the case, Jacob is Shylock, and ONCE AGAIN the freaking LDS with their "Indians are Jews" stuff. Yes, this tale of sparkly vamp peens is JUST LIKE SHAKESPEARE.
SMEyers, on her website, explains why Bella IS a feminist heroine:
"One of the weird things about modern feminism is that some feminists seem to be putting their own limits on women's choices. That feels backward to me. It's as if you can't choose a family on your own terms and still be considered a strong woman. How is that empowering? Are there rules about if, when, and how we love or marry and if, when, and how we have kids? Are there jobs we can and can't have in order to be a "real" feminist? To me, those limitations seem anti-feminist in basic principle."
See, staying at home and having babies right away is the NEW feminist ideal! THAT is new and THAT is a choice! Talk about backwards! I like how the mindset is that these bra-burning, hairy-legged, lesbonic working women having abortions all over the place and not wearing lipstick are so backwards, the new anti-feminist.
Being FEMININE is not the same as being a FEMINIST, you knucklehead.
Finally, she concludes on her page: I think I need a break from vampires.
SO SAY WE ALL.
THE END, Y'ALL. I'm off for a margarita. I think I deserve some tequila.
[ETA] just have to say, I know about Midnight Sun, her flouncing, and have actually read it. I just don't know if I have it in me to keep going. It's not any new revelations from an LDS perspective, just really REALLY creepy. Like how Edward has to puke up any food he eats. OH MY GOD. NO ME GUSTA. Neccesita mas tequila...
[ETA 2] And now a movie recap for this opus is available for you, as well. :)