MORE TWILIGHT - Don't act like you don't need a laugh today.
LDS SPARKLEDAMMERUNG 2: The Sparkle Has Left Your Eyes! Now with 70% less sparkle! (Yuh huh! Yuh huh!)
Again, allow me to set the tone right off the bat:
Previously on Twinklecrest.... [This is part two of a sporking. You don't need to read the first part, but you should. :D]
Victoria - red headed vamp that is forced into the storyline as a baddie - is no challenge because there's no conflict in these books
No, because Bella has the Cullens on her side!\o/
Everything is perfect. Edward and Bella are in obsession love, Edward and his family know that Bella wants to convert, but Edward is holding back. Probably because he doesn't want to see his True Love get sexy in her Gs. (If she doesn't convert, she won't marry him in the temple, so no garments!)
CHICKY BOW WOW WOW!
So aside from them not being sealed for time and all eternity, everything is perfect. Edward is still stalking stalking Bella every night, sneaking into her room unbeknownst to her father. The cop. Way to ingratiate yourself, dude! You only had what, 90+ years to figure this crap out? But he does remember the moral codes of his day. No woman of his will work, she can stay home with her Victory Garden, tending the babies, and providing polite, yet erudite conversation when they entertain Judge Smalls and other local dignitaries. Wait, he's a vampire now. She will learn to scrapbook and play piano and will be rewarded with a fast car and eternal life! BLISS.
There is no conflict and we've got how many books to go? *thunk* This is when Smeyers puts on her dish-washing gloves, snaps on the swimming mask, and plays THE HAVOCINATOR: Edward will leave Bella!
(He's so upset about what's going to happen he might poop. Or get crossed eyes.)
Just like Bella, we're totally confused. What? Why? Oh, because some ASSHOLE *cough*Jasper*cough* tried to eat her at her birthday party because she got a papercut unwrapping a gift she didn't want from Alice. GODDAMMIT ALICE. This is what comes of you and your bountiful gifts!! Bella was so mad that you just HAD to throw her a birthday party, you just HAD to decorate the 3 mile long drive to your house, you just HAD to make her feel special, you selfish, freakish bitch.
GOD. I mean, GOSH. (God is never uttered as a swear in any of these books, incidentally. Mormons do NOT say "God." Hence the "Oh My Heck" phrase. Naughty Mormons say "Oh My Hell.")
So because STOOPID dancing flitting-about future-seeing-
...
-wait. Alice can see the freaking future and she didn't anticipate a papercut driving her eternal love forever sealed Jasper into a feeding frenzy? What the hell good is she then? ALICE: that is what GIFT BAGS were created for. Why don't you try looking at more than what outfit to wear tomorrow and check out some gift-wrapping technology for a change!
Edward decides that CLEARLY the only thing that can fix this problem is for every one of the Cullens to pack up and move. Clearly.
(read: Edward leaves for his mission and Bella is going to have to put herself in cold storage until he gets back so they can get married right away like all good LDS kids!)
Edward sneaks into Bella's room and takes everything he ever gave her, every picture (AHEM VAMPIRES DO NOT HAVE REFLECTIONS ERGO THEY CANNOT BE PHOTOGRAPHED YOU STUPID STUPID WOMAN) because Bella might do something unseemly to his pictures, like cut a hole over the mouth and SOUL KISS HIM. Obviously he cannot allow her to sully herself like that. He must protect her chastity by taking all semblance of himself away, so it's like "he never existed."
Bella goes blank. <-- remember that. She begins running through the forest, her grief overwhelming her. THANKFULLY the Lamanites, er, Quileute Indians are on the cop's team and they go looking for her. The Leader of the Pack of youth (Billy - wheelchair - unable to search the woods) is Sam
and he finds her and brings her home.
And then....
THE BOOK GOES BLANK. Let me repeat myself. THE BOOK. GOES BLANK. Because? Well, if she doesn't have a BOY, then she is NOTHING. I want every girl to read this and remember how important boys are to complete them. And then get in the kitchen and fix me a pot pie. Holy sheep shit, I thought people were exaggerating, but no: the book is blank for a good 10 pages. Hi, thanks trees for dying for this crap.
Bella, for whatever reason, comes to and is in so much pain, it's like there's a giant hole in her chest. She's constantly wrapping her arms around her torso, because there's a hole there. Literally. Okay, not literally, because she would be dead. OH I C WHUT U DID THERE SMEYERS.
Personally, I like to think that Mola Ram snuck in (hell, everyone can evidently break into a COP'S HOUSE), stood over her as she slept and began chanting "KALI MAAAA!"
Bella is going through the motions, but realizes that for - wait for it - FOUR MONTHS she's been a zombie, hurting every one that loves her. Which, remember, is everyone.
So what the hell happened during those four months? In Smeyers head I imagine a lot of staring and listening to Morrissey. But who wants to think that? So I've come up with some activities that Bella SHOULD have participated in.
She could have volunteered at the Church Cannery:
Or helped rebuild New Orleans:
The Marine Corp could always use a hand:
How about a soup kitchen?
Okay, she doesn't want to give back, how about joining NuSkin (a Mormon company) and attending a conference? It's just like becoming a Mormon, except with lotions and vitamins!
...No? Okay, what about Scrapbooking? There's not a good LDS girl that doesn't enjoy a scrapbook-themed gathering of righteous women!
At least get that goshdarn look off your face, you whiny, emo brat.
Bella comes to a realization one night when she sets herself to potentially be raped. (Yeah, I know. Just shake your head and move past the forced drama.) When she's close to death, SHE CAN HEAR DEAD PEOPLE EDWARD IN HER HEAD. Bing! So now she just needs to flirt with death so they can be together again. What a FANTASTIC MESSAGE to give young ladies. I'm surprised each book didn't come with razor blades and fill in the blank suicide notes. (Laminated, so you can change it for every boy you crush on!)
BELLA: You need a little Queen Latifah in your life. She'll set you straight!
She does NOT approve of your foolishness, a'ight?
Oh, hey, wasn't there another boy that crushed on her that we can make some conflict with? CALLING JACOB BLACK!
Why, hello there, Mister. You've grown up quite nicely. Not that Bella's interested in you. Except... because you're lower class/poor, you must know how to fx things! Let's fix up two motorcycles and I'll ride mine to my death and be with Edward always!
Despite herself, Bella makes friends with Jacob. In fact, he becomes her best friend! And she's aware of his undying love for her (again, we never figure out WHY people love her - she's a whiny, self-indulgent, emo baby) but she doesn't care. She *says* she cares, but she doesn't. Through the course of their spending loads of time together, Jacob lays the groundwork for a possible sinister plot involving Wes Studi Sam and a few of the younger high school Indian kids. They're forming a gang!
Jacob later figures out that they're not a gang doing Bad Things, they're WEREWOLVES. And... he's one of them! They're the natural enemy of vampires! HOW CONVENIENT.
The young kids from the reservation like to do dangerous things that Sam tells them to do, like cliff diving!
PING!
That's what Bella can do to bring Edward's voice into her head, ergo, bringing them together!
...hey, remember that dancing, twirling, happy and crazy vampire that can see the future? Well, she sees a vision of Bella jumping off a cliff. Turns out? She can't see the Indians in the future. (Because Lamanites won't be there unless they repent and come back to the Church, and then they'll be made White And Delightsome, which means they won't look like themselves in heaven, which is why she can't see them.) So Alice doesn't know that Jacob is there to save her.
SO NATURALLY SHE TELLS THE FAMILY. WHICH MEANS ROSALIE TELLS EDWARD. "Haha, yer gurl is ded. BOOYAH!"
Edward makes the only natural choice. He is going to die if she is dead. ...if you've got some Zeffirelli in your head (Romeo and Juliet) then Smeyers is all, "My work here is done." NO IT ISN'T. And incidentally, Smeyers? If you want to write about obsessed youth, first love, and the dangers of that, you might want to pop in a hot little number called Endless Love featuring a very beautiful Brooke Shields. Then again, the parents there let her boink her boyfriend in her house, the mom falls in love with said boyfriend, a house burns down, and a father is killed, so it's a bit more... complex than anything you've created here.
(Here's a clip and hahahaha you'll be singing this all day.)
Click to viewTHAT, my friends, is how you do this sort of tale. Again: Zeffirelli. He's awesome.
But let's get back to our Edward needing to drink the poison from his sweet love's lips, er, go to the VaticanVolterra, Italy and have the vampire Pope Volterri kill him.
See, turns out? There's an old group of vamps that live in Italy (ahem) and they enforce the code of conduct that pass for the morals of their world (ahem) and if Edward reveals that he's a vampire to the Italian public, then they'll have to kill him for sparkling. THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE. Note: Mormons are very smug about Catholics. Because Catholics have a made up authority to God. The Mormons are the REAL authority, so they are quite amused that the Pope thinks he talks to Jesus. The Mormons believe they aren't a branch off the Catholic church like Protestants, they came up with, er, they were given the keys to knowledge and truth separate from the Catholics. Which... the Cullens took it upon themselves to not eat people and to be righteous and moral, they didn't get the idea from the Volturri. I C WHUT U DID THAR, SMEYERS.
Old Mormon joke: The Pope and the Prophet are hanging out, and decide to call up Jesus. The Pope say, "I've got a phone at the Vatican, we can call him there." The Prophet say, "No, no, I've got his number and if we call from the temple, it's a local call." HAR HAR DE HAR HAR. So naturally, the evil controlling vampires that aren't good like the Cullens are Catholics. I mean, Italian.
Edward calls Bella's house, though, to make sure she's dead. In a forced moment of plot, Charlie - her dad - has a fishing buddy that dies, so he goes to the funeral, leaving Jacob in charge of watching over Bella. Paris Jacob answers Edward's phone call and says that Charlie is "at the funeral."
Come, bitter conduct, come, unsavoury guide!
Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on
The dashing rocks thy sea-sick weary bark!
Here's to my love!
*prepares to rip shirt off so he can sparkle to death!*
Alice's Edward sense is tingling.
She realizes there is an unauthorized sparkling about to happen so she figures out Bella isn't dead, just wet and stupid, and grabs her, takes over the exposition portion of our story filling in all the Edward/Volturri nonsense, and they fly to Italy. And steal a car. But because Alice is so gosh darn incorrigible, she steals a Porsche to race to the Vatican.
Neither Bella or Edward have working brains at this point. Edward, seeing Bella before him in Italy, NATURALLY thinks she's a vision and not really there. But ruh-roe! The Pope's Volturri's guards see them and the unauthorized sparkling and for several pages (read: too damn many) we find out about the secret order of Vampire law/religion and have to deal with whether they will kill Edward or not, if they will kill Bella for knowing their secrets or not. Is anyone shocked to find out they won't? I didn't think so.
Yay, our heroes are saved! Charlie is pissed to come home from a funeral and find his teenaged daughter gone for three days. To Italy. (She happened to have a viable passport even though she'd never left the US. Uh huh.) Charlie also is pissed to see Edward again, since he turned his daughter into a zombie for months by leaving/breaking up with her.
Charlie does, however, approve of Jacob because he's a good guy and says "sure, sure" over and over so he can have some characteristics that are identifiable aside from being Indian.
Uh, oh, smack down between the two boys that love Bella! NOW we have some conflict! Except for how Bella doesn't love Jacob, he's just a friend, Edward is her obsession true love. But hey - we've got two more books to go, better string that kid along!
And since there ARE more books to sell, better throw in some more conflict. OH RIGHT. There was a crazy redhead that needs to kill her, add that.... *scribbles*
...and the Volturri can kill her if she doesn't become a vampire soon, get that in there... *scribbles more* OOH. Let's have Edward continue to not want her to be immortal, even though it makes no sense, and Bella will go to his family and make them vote on it, and they're all "Hell, yes we want you to convert!" but Rosalie doesn't because Bella can have babies and she can't and that gives me an idea for book four... *jots down some stuff* and heighten the "Dad hates Edward but loves Jacob thing" so we can make t-shirts....
Done! And now everyone will want to read book three for some damn answers! YAY.
Side note about the putting her immortality to a family vote. Uh... Yeah. Family = most important thing to Mormons. That's who you do everything with. You live close together, do things together all the time, and solve problems as a unit. Which, that's lovely. EXCEPT. One of my friends fiancès came from a big Mormon family. (He was Mormon, too)
When the mom and dad (his potential in-laws) wanted to have another baby, they would CALL EVERYONE TO A MEETING and discuss if they should "pro-create." You know, bullet points, pros and cons, pie charts. Then, if the kids GAVE THEIR APPROVAL, mom and dad would get a hotel room and make mom pregnant.
NO THAT IS NOT CREEPY. And? That is not too unusual in the Beehive State. In conclusion: WTFUCK.
Click here for Book Three: You Can't Date Rape The Sparkle!