Hikaru no Go fic: Making the Moves

[stirring_still]

Bah. I have no excuse for this, honestly. I discovered Hikaru no Go... two months ago, maybe? And since then, it seems I have spent most of my time doing fannish stuff. I thought when I had written Preliminaries that Shindou-and-Touya bunnies would give it a rest for a while, but nope. This particular bunny kicked down the door and camped in my brain until I wrote it. Essentially, the premise for this story is "Hey, Shindou is quite dim, really, when all is said and done, isn't he?"

So yeah. Very many thanks to leopardcolony for beta'ing the fic. Also, much gratitude to stealth_noodle for explaining in great and learned detail about Japanese perceptions of homosexuality, dating and sex, marriage and family, and social expectations and duties.

As always seems to be the case with my own fics, I have no idea if this is actually worth reading. I'd really appreciate comments, even if it's "I spent an hour on this and really regret it."

Title: Making the Moves
Pairing: Shindou and Touya
Other: Sexually explicit. Spoilers. Long. Contains Go jokes.



Making the Moves

It began when Touya spent twenty minutes on a move that should have taken him two seconds. Hikaru glanced from the board to Touya, his confusion gradually deepening into serious annoyance. There was nowhere else Touya could logically go: he had to respond by playing a hane, or his entire cluster of stones in the lower right-hand corner would be killed.

Yet Touya sat still, his head lowered, his face hidden by his hair. Hikaru, utterly baffled, stared at the board: no, there really wasn't anything he wasn't seeing, the situation was as plain as day.

"What the hell's the matter with you?" he said, eventually, his irritation getting the better of him. Touya jumped, looked up, blushed and stuttered.

"I-I'm sorry! I'm afraid I was thinking of something else."

"What? Touya, we're playing! Pay attention!" It might be a casual game, they might be free from onlookers, but Go wasn't something you were supposed to just forget about for a while.

"I- sorry!" Touya said, placing his stone in the wrong spot. Hikaru jumped to his feet, outraged. Touya looked up at him in innocent surprise, before glancing down at the board and gasping, horrified at what he'd done.

"I'm leaving!" Hikaru snapped. "If you're not going to play me seriously...!" He got to his feet, marching towards the door, wishing that tatami mats made more noise when you stomped on them.

"Shindou, stay. There's something I need to tell you." It was the lack of anger in Touya's voice, not his words, that made Hikaru pause and turn around.

"Can't it wait?" He wasn't going to be mollified just like that. Even if Touya was looking... off.

"It's important. As important as when you told me about Sai."

Hikaru paused, frowning. They rarely talked of Sai. He had told Touya everything, one hot sunny afternoon last summer, and they had barely alluded to it since.

"How could it be?" he asked, the frown deepening. He wondered if he should feel insulted.

"You'll see. Please, Shindou, sit down. Listen. It's a real problem, and I need your help." Touya wasn't looking at him. He was still sitting in seiza, his head lowered, his body silhouetted against the afternoon sunlight: the sliding doors were open, and the rhythmic sound of the shishi-odoshi emptying itself of water was the only thing that disturbed the peace.

A frown still on his face, Hikaru took a step closer, beginning to feel worried. Something was very definitely off.

"What is it?" he asked, bluntly: it was a concession, and he wasn't about to sound too keen. Even if the idea of Touya having a genuine problem, one which he was even requesting help to deal with, was unsettling.

Touya looked up, relief on his face. He got to his feet and reached for their tea cups, walking over to the pot and pouring out two fresh, scalding-hot cups of tea.

"Let's sit outside while we talk," he said, sounding almost as though he wasn't tense. "It's a nice day."

Hikaru nodded, and stepped out on the verandah. Sitting down beside Touya, he dangled his legs over the edge, wondering what was wrong. It had to be something serious, to make his rival go blank for twenty minutes and then make a glaringly bad move. He bit his lip, worried.

"Well?" he asked, and Touya drew a shaky breath, still not looking at him.

"It's a little complicated," he began, carefully, nursing his tea cup with both hands. "Or it's not, really, but there are points I wish to make, but which I'm worried you won't let me make."

"Huh?"

"You have a tendency to, well, react, Shindou. There are things I need to explain, but I'm worried that you'll begin to respond before I'm finished. And that would make things difficult, or more difficult than they need to be." He glanced up for the first time, meeting Hikaru's eyes. "Will you please promise me that you'll hear me out?"

Hikaru frowned, at a loss. But he shrugged, nodded, and picked up his tea cup.

"Fine," he said. "I promise I won't say anything until you're done."

Touya nodded, and looked away again, exhaling shakily. Lifting his cup to his lips, he took a tiny sip, clearly collecting his thoughts. When he spoke, his voice was steady.

"Well. As you know, you are my rival. That is what matters most. We're going to fight against each other for the rest of our lives." He took another sip, staring into the middle distance, his gaze unfocused. "Your rivalry, what you can do for my Go and what I can do for yours, is the important thing. But the thing is, I'm also very strongly attracted to you. In the 'having fallen in love with you' sense."

Hikaru dropped his tea cup. The contents spilled over his jeans, soaking into his crotch and heating up his zip. He yelled in horror and in pain, and leapt to his feet, yanking his trousers and underpants off. The tea cup flew through the air and smashed against the coyly asymmetrical paved garden path, and Touya stared at him, stunned. Hikaru was suddenly absurdly glad his shirts were usually on the long and floppy side, but he still pulled his damp trousers to him, holding them protectively in front of his more intimate body parts.

Silence fell, and Touya put down his tea cup with a slow, deliberate motion, and sighed.

"I'll get you some of my clothes, and we'll put your things in the dryer, how's that?" he said, sounding quite appallingly unfazed.

"Your clothes won't fit me, you're too puny," Hikaru muttered, too embarrassed to meet his eyes. Touya was in love him? The mere idea was, was... he wasn't sure what it was, but it was bad. Horrible. He wanted to run away, but until his clothes were dry, he'd have to remain at Touya's house. He felt sick at the thought.

"I'll get you a pair of hakama, then," Touya said, as though everything was under control. He walked into the room and opened a cupboard, rummaging through it. "Did you get burned? Do you need some kind of ointment?"

"It's fine," Hikaru said, lowering his gaze as Touya returned, bearing a pair of dark blue hakama. "Turn around while I put them on."

"This is why I was hoping to talk to you without interruption," Touya said, sighing again and turning around obediently. Hikaru didn't answer, and got dressed quickly, wondering what to do. Touya took his clothes and carried them off, presumably to dry them.

Hikaru sat down, feeling shaky, and tried to process what had just happened. It had to be some sort of joke, surely. Touya was... Touya was normal, he had to be. Well, for a specific value of the word "normal," one that mostly had to do with not falling in love with members of the same sex.

He had no idea what to do. It was a helpless feeling, one that he hadn't had since Sai disappeared. Touya had betrayed him, somehow, with this.

There was the sound of footsteps, and then a gentle splash of water. Touya reappeared, bearing a fresh cup of tea. Hikaru took it automatically, and Touya sat down again, too close to him. Hikaru forced himself not to edge away.

"As I was saying," said Touya, picking up his own cup, "I am in love with you. I have been for a while. I didn't want for it to happen, but it's not the sort of thing you can control." He glanced down into his tea; it had to be cold by now. He still took a sip. "I intend to ignore it," he went on. "I know you're not interested, and that's fine. And I know my parents expect me to marry, anyway. But I decided you needed to know."

He paused, whether to collect his thoughts or to allow his rival to speak Hikaru wasn't sure, but he felt the nausea begin to abate. So he wasn't going to have to deal with a Touya who would flirt and flutter and giggle at him? He took a deep draught of his tea and swallowed, noisily.

"Why did you decide that?" he asked. "It seems sort of pointless."

Touya glanced at him before looking away and shaking his head.

"No, it's not. See, what happened earlier was that I couldn't stop staring at your hands. It's happened a few times, I end up staring either at your hands or your mouth, and I seem to forget what I'm doing. It's quite annoying, especially when we're playing Go." He drank more tea, and Hikaru sort of wanted to shake him. Touya glanced at him again, and this time he didn't break their eye contact.

"I'm attracted to you, Shindou," he said, "I really can't help it. So when I stare fixedly at any part of you for any length of time, I want you to wave a hand in front of my eyes, or something, to help me snap out of it. Is that okay?" Hikaru looked away, embarrassed.

"Why d'you stare at me, anyway?" he asked, torn between curiosity and revulsion. There was a sigh, and Touya put his cup down.

"Because I am attracted to you, Shindou," he said, with exaggerated patience, emphasising each word, speaking as though to a slow child. "When I look at your hands, I wonder how it would feel to be touched by them. When I look at your lips, it's because I want to kiss you. When I stare at your neck, it's because I want to lean over you, inhale your scent and maybe bite you. When I look at your-"

"Fine, fine, fine, I get it," Hikaru said, hurriedly, blushing furiously. There was silence, but it was less awkward than he would have expected, possibly because the first shock was over. He shot a quick look at Touya: his rival seemed calm and composed. "You fantasise about me?" he blurted out, quickly, because this was a thought that was so impossible it needed confirmation. Touya glowered at him.

"Yes."

"Oh." More silence; Hikaru drank his tea. "Like, even when you, you know. Do that?"

"That's... why are you asking?"

"Just 'cos."

"Fine. Yes, I do."

"Oh."

Hikaru stared down at his hands. They were just ordinary hands, though to those in the know, it was obvious he was a Go player: the finger nails were kept very short, and the nail on his right forefinger was thicker than the others, and a little darker because of it. They didn't seem like obvious objects of desire. He turned them around, gradually, inspecting his palms and his fingertips as well as their backs. Touya exhaled, impatiently.

"Your hands are sinewy and strong," he said, "They move with certainty when we play. They are large and flexible and powerful. I can't help wondering what it would feel like to be touched by you." Hikaru looked up and met his eyes. This was Touya. His rival. Touya the dragon, the fierce and ruthless Go player, the future multiple title holder. Touya. Not a heavily made-up cross-dresser.

He reached out, placing his hand on his rival's arm. Touya's eyes widened, and he seemed startled, but he didn't pull away. Hikaru, having followed his first impulse, was suddenly at a loss, and he pulled back, straightening up.

"Uh," he said, awkwardly. "Like that?"

"There's usually more skin contact involved when I think about it," Touya said, his tone dry, though there was colour in his cheeks. "Listen, let's just go and play, okay? I've told you what I needed to tell you, and you know what to do if I start acting like I'm catatonic."

"...right." They returned to the room and sat down, beginning the game. Touya, having rid himself of that which had been weighing on his mind, played a much better game than before. He slammed Hikaru, ripped him to pieces, skewered him like he hadn't done since their game in the school tournament, years and years ago. Hikaru, reluctantly, sat back and shook his head, in genuine admiration.

"I resign."

"Thank you for the game. I suppose you were distracted, because of what I told you?"

"Yeah." Their eyes met, and Hikaru ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "Listen, I'm just going to need some time to get used to it. I think it will be fine. We'll just ignore it, like you said."

Touya nodded, clearing the stones off the board with rapid fingers, his face expressionless.

*

Hikaru returned home to find a phone message from Akari waiting for him. He glanced at his watch; it was close to half past ten. Wondering if he was being rude, he picked up the phone and called her.

"Hello?"

"Akari? It's Hikaru."

"Hikaru! Oh. I... sorry, I called you earlier. I was just... it was just to ask if you think you'll be able to come to the Go club at my school any time soon? I know you're busy, but you said you would, that time..."

Hikaru frowned. He had indeed promised. Almost a year ago to the day, now.

"Sure. When does your club meet?"

"Every day, after school... Can you come?"

"Sure. Give me a minute."

He put the phone down and ran upstairs to his room, picking up his diary and a pen, marvelling inwardly at the fact that he really did need to keep a written schedule, these days. Picking up the phone again, he open the diary, looking at the weeks ahead.

"Akari? It seems the only day I can come would be tomorrow. Is that okay? I have a prelim match tomorrow morning, but I could probably make it. Is four in the afternoon good?"

"Yes! I'm glad to hear that, Hikaru..."

"Where's your school?"

"Hikaru! Honestly..."

"What? Why would I know that?"

Akari sighed in his ear and told him the address. Hikaru jotted it down, agreed to meet her by the school gates, and hung up.

Refusing his mother's offers of food, he climbed the stairs and went to bed, not bothering to undress. He stretched out on his back, folding his arms under his head and staring up at the dark ceiling, trying to think of nothing at all. It didn't work.

Touya was in love with him.

He closed his eyes, anxiety twisting hard in his stomach. He had never once thought of Touya as a sexual being. His rival was so focused, so aloof, so near-inhuman, that it seemed absurd to think of him as caring for anything other than Go.

He liked Touya. Liked as a friend, his brain hastily corrected, liked as a person. Not liked in any other way. He was still better than Hikaru at Go, though Hikaru was now winning one game out of every four or five. Touya was driven, and determined, and so very, very serious: Hikaru had admired and respected him for years, almost for as long as he could remember.

He sighed, rolling onto his side and tucking the pillow under his head. Touya was in love with him? Was attracted to him. Fantasised about his hands, for fuck's sake... He frowned, embarrassed and angry. How could Touya do this to him?

And yet. He didn't want him to be hurt. There had been something in his face - no, there had been nothing in his face - when Hikaru had agreed that the best way to proceed was to ignore his feelings...

Annoyed and frustrated, he turned onto his stomach, burrowing against the pillow, wondering why he felt guilty.

*

"Hikaru!"

"Sorry I'm late."

"That's all right!" Akari's teeth were chattering, but she gave him a bright smile. "Everyone's so excited you're coming!"

Hikaru smiled, uncomfortable with the role of mini-celebrity, and let himself be led into the school. It turned out that the Go club had a proper club room, despite their small numbers: there were two boys and three girls. The room was tiny, but warm, and as soon as Hikaru and Akari stepped in, there was excited chatter, offers of tea, and lots and lots of eager questions. And excessively polite grammar, Hikaru noticed, embarrassed.

"Let's play!" he said, when the admiration got too much. Eager acquiescence happened, and two proper boards, and three folding ones, were promptly produced and placed on the table. Hikaru suggested that they decide for themselves how many stones they wanted as a handicap, and regretted it the moment a seemingly endless - and urgently-whispered - discussion between the club members broke out. In the end, most of them settled on nine.

Things got better as soon as they started playing, since he had to concentrate on the games. They weren't as bad as he had thought they would be. One of the girls was talented, and Hikaru played her carefully: if he didn't pay proper attention, he'd play her seriously, which would have led to a too-great loss on her part, but playing shidougo with her demanded concentration. The others were much easier, but the mental switch from genuine skill to total lack of it was challenging, and for an hour, not a thought was in his head of anything other than Go. As soon as the last of them resigned, he smiled and relaxed, content with the afternoon's work.

"Oh, seriously! I would have thought that with all five of us, at least one of us would have won," said one of the boys, the weakest one of the lot.

"Hikaru is a pro!" Akari said, indignantly. "Of course he's not going to lose to us."

The mood was different from before, light-hearted and friendly. It was almost like being back in the his old school club, and Hikaru enjoyed himself, more so than he'd expected to. They talked together more easily, now, and it was with genuine regret that Hikaru glanced down at his watch and discovered he had to go. Akari escorted him out, the others protesting and asking him to come back some other day.

"I might!" he said, grinning, though he was fairly convinced he wouldn't.

"Thank you for teaching us, Hikaru," Akari said, leading him to the school gates. "I learned a lot."

"It's fine," he replied, "you've improved a bit, I think." She had, though not by much.

"Really?" Akari's face lit up, and she smiled at him. A faint blush was spreading over her cheeks, and she looked at him with something that resembled admiration, but wasn't. "It's really nice to see you, Hikaru. It's been a long time."

"It has?"

"Yes! I hope it won't be that long until I see you again." She looked away, the blush deepening. "I missed you."

"Oh." He didn't know what to say, because he couldn't honestly return the compliment. Akari was just Akari, source of annoyance, bad Go and good food.

"How are things with you?" she asked, tentatively."Do you play Go all the time?"

"Yes." What an odd question. He looked at her curiously.

"Well, I mean, don't you have any sort of private life? Do you go to the cinema sometimes, or play sports like you used to, or, or, do you have a girlfriend you spend time with, maybe?"

"Oh. Nah. Go takes most of my time." All of his time, really, now that he thought about it.

"I see!" Akari beamed at him, her blush deepening. She seemed happy, for some reason.

"I have to go now. I'm meeting someone for Go." He left, walking quickly through the chilly March weather, wondering what was going on with Akari. The answer came to him when he bought his train ticket: she was in love with him, wasn't she?

Shaking his head in disbelief, he boarded the train and headed in the direction of Touya's Go salon, wondering what qualities he possessed that made everybody fall for him.

*

Touya was waiting for him when he arrived, and to Hikaru's aggravation, he was looking exactly the way he always did: pleased to see him and eager to play. It was unfair.

He sat down, and they nigiri'd without a word, beginning to play straight away. The game was a good one, but every time Hikaru placed a stone, he wondered if Touya was having sexual thoughts about his hands. He didn't seem to; the game was progressing normally.

"You're distracted."

"What?" Hikaru jolted back into reality, meeting Touya's eyes.

"You're not playing well."

"Yeah, well, whose fault is that, do you think?" He glared at Touya, half wishing that the situation could escalate into one of their fights, and knowing that it wouldn't. They never seemed to fight about important things. Touya sighed, and sat back in his chair, watching him in silence for a while. Hikaru didn't back down from whatever challenge this was, and looked back at Touya, unflinching.

"Come home with me," Touya said, eventually. "We need to talk, and we can't do that here."

Hikaru looked around the salon: true, nobody was paying particular attention to them at the moment, but discussing Touya's tendencies in public was still not a good idea. He nodded and got to his feet, and they left after clearing off their unfinished game.

The trip back to the empty house involved a very full train and a quick walk through twilit streets. Hikaru felt angry and resentful, and despite his best efforts, he was embarrassed at the prospect of talking about that again. But there was nothing else to be done. Damn Touya. He had to go and destroy everything, didn't he?

"Right," Touya said, as soon as they had arrived, closing the door behind them and turning to Hikaru, not even waiting to take his shoes off. "Explain yourself."

Hikaru's jaw dropped at the sheer unfairness of it, and he stuttered, angrily, not getting much out besides an indignant, disbelieving series of sounds. Touya's expression softened, and he took off his shoes and jacket, stepping into house slippers.

"Fine," he said, heading towards the game room, "come and sit down. It's obvious we need to fix this."

"I'm not sure it's fixable," Hikaru muttered, angrily, kicking off his shoes and following.

"It's not like we can stop playing each other," Touya returned, sliding the door shut behind Hikaru and sitting down, tilting his head backwards and looking up at him. After a moment's hesitation, Hikaru sat down as well, scowling at nothing in particular. "You said you thought it would be all right," Touya added, his tone accusatory.

"It's just weird," Hikaru said, not looking at him. "It's weird, knowing you think of me like that. And my hands." He looked up in time to see Touya glance down at them, and he tucked them to his chest, protectively.

"It's not your hands as such," Touya replied, his tone carefully blank. "It's more that I want to be touched. And I don't see why that needs to be a problem, since I'm not ever going to request that, or talk about it."

Hikaru looked down at his hands again, trying to think. Touya wanted to be touched. Fantasised about being touched. What did it feel like, to want that, and to be close to the person who wasn't doing any touching?

He had touched Touya's arm, that day, and Touya had said what he wanted was skin contact... Frown deepening, and angry with himself and with the situation, he reached out, curving his hand along Touya's cheek. His rival gasped, loudly, but stilled, his eyes wide and fixed on Hikaru's face.

"Is this the sort of thing you want?" Hikaru asked, roughly, moving his thumb closer to the rest of his hand, letting it glide over smooth skin in something that was probably a caress.

"Yes." Touya's hands had curled into fists. His hair was tickling the back of Hikaru's hand. Still scowling, Hikaru moved his hand, fingertips trailing over Touya's forehead, moving down to slide along his jaw. "Why are you doing this?"

"You want it. And it's not like it matters to me."

"I see." Hikaru pushed his hand into Touya's hair, and Touya's eyes closed. He kept very still, as though he were afraid that any motion on his part might spook Hikaru. He was probably right.

Hikaru reached out with his other hand, following the shape of Touya's face and neck, moving over what naked skin he could reach. It didn't take very long before he had touched all of it, so he glanced down into Touya's lap, reaching for one of his hands with both of his own. Touya willingly allowed it to be lifted, and opened his eyes to watch Hikaru unfurl it.

Touya's hands were long and elegant, with clearly-defined bones and visible veins. They were rather beautiful. He explored them both, taking his time, stroking Touya's fingers with his own. He wasn't sure if Touya's fingers or his own were the ones that were trembling.

"Does this help?" Hikaru asked, lacing his fingers with Touya's. "Does this make it better?"

"Yes. You're very kind." Hikaru shook his head, the sense of guilt returning. Nobody should have to constantly interact with someone who couldn't return their feelings; it had to hurt. Even if the feelings in question were weird, unnatural ones.

"If it's just this," he began, looking down at their joined hands, "if this is enough, then I can touch you. If it helps."

"Thank you. I'd like that." Touya was looking at him, a small smile on his face, and Hikaru felt much better. "Let's continue the game now, Shindou."

*

He didn't see Touya in private again for several weeks: they were both too busy, and the Go salon was quicker and easier to get to than Touya's home. They met once or twice a week, for discussions, games, and shouting matches. His rival behaved the way he always did, and had it not been for the one occasion when Hikaru caught him staring at his lips, for just a half-second too long, he might have believed he'd dreamed it all.

Hikaru couldn't decide whether to be repulsed or thrilled with the idea that Touya felt the way he did. Sometimes, after he'd gone to bed, he found himself wondering if Touya was masturbating at that precise moment, his mind full of images of Hikaru's hands. The thought always made him blush, and made him feel like laughing or throwing up, he wasn't sure which.

He tried not to think of it during the day, but sometimes the awareness of the situation sneaked in unasked, and he lost track of whatever he was doing. It happened once during a match that was important enough that he ought to have maintained complete focus from sheer panic: he was playing the first round of the Meijin league matches, and his opponent was Morishita-sensei. Yet somewhere around the beginning of the middle game, it became harder to focus, and before he knew it, he had spent nearly thirty precious minutes staring unseeing at the board.

What was worse, the situation was exactly the same as it had been that time Touya had confessed to him: there was really only one place he could go. He played the necessary kiri quickly, cursing himself, and Touya too.

Luckily, Morishita-sensei was well aware of Hikaru's ability to read the board, and of his tendency to play hands that got consequences thirty or forty moves into the future. Frowning, he stared at the stones, searching for the non-existent alternative route that Hikaru hadn't played. He spent twenty minutes before responding, and his response was cautious; it was the hand of a man whose suspicions had been raised. Pulse beating rapidly in his throat, Hikaru played an innocent-looking, straightforward move that, forty-six moves and some fierce fighting later, allowed him to win the game by resignation. It was his first win against Morishita-sensei, ever, and he'd done it by thinking about Touya's sex life.

*

Hikaru was very nervous the next time he headed towards Touya's home. It was a Sunday, neither of them had anywhere they needed to be, and Touya's parents were still in China. This would be the first time in over a month that the two of them were alone, and Hikaru's hand was trembling as he rang the door bell.

The door was opened by Ashiwara-san. Hikaru blinked, surprised, and was yanked into the house with great enthusiasm before he had time to ask what the man was doing there. It turned out there were several people present: Ogata, a couple of pros whose names Hikaru didn't know, and Saeki-san.

"What are you doing here?" Hikaru asked, surprised. Wouldn't Morishita-sensei react badly if he knew?

"Oh, I'm not really here," Saeki-san assured him, quickly, to general laughter. Hikaru sat down, feeling confused and resentful, and listened in silence as Ogata explained they were discussing the possibility of having regular study sessions in the house, despite Touya Meijin's absence.

"But today, we're really just here to play," he added, smiling at Hikaru. "Play me?"

Hikaru nodded, shortly, and when Touya appeared, bearing a tray of tea cups, he accepted one with poor grace.

The day was spent playing, talking, and eating, and Hikaru's mood sank lower and lower as the hours passed and nobody seemed to be inclined to leave. He wasn't sure why he was so annoyed, but this wasn't what he had expected. It was almost like being in the Go salon, in that he and Touya couldn't talk openly, but here, they couldn't even play: Ogata seemed determined to monopolise either of them at any given moment, and Hikaru spent the day playing everyone in the room other than his true rival.

Finally, at around seven in the evening, someone remarked that they needed to get home. This set off a general dispersion of the party, and Hikaru got to his feet and stretched, relieved.

"Should I drive you home?" It was Ogata, leaning over him, his face a little too close and his expression a little too friendly.

"Nah, I'm staying for a bit. Haven't played Touya yet."

"I see." Ogata's smile widened, and he nodded and left, but not before telling Touya he'd call him later and discuss the study sessions idea.

"What the hell?" Hikaru asked, when the house was finally theirs. "I thought the two of us were going to play today." Touya glanced at him, and started picking up the tea cups the others had left behind, placing them on a delicate lacquer tray with an inlaid pattern of black and white circles.

"Ogata phoned me a few days ago, suggesting that we might use the Touya household as a meeting point for informal Go sessions," he said, calmly, "I said I was willing to try it once, to see how it worked."

"Yeah, but... why today? You knew I was coming today."

"That's partly why I accepted the idea," Touya said, picking up the full tray and looking at Hikaru. "You're uncomfortable with my feelings for you. This way, we could play and you wouldn't be alone with me."

Hikaru frowned, and trailed after Touya as he went into the kitchen.

"But we didn't actually get to play," he pointed out, annoyed. "And... I'm not that uncomfortable, am I?"

Touya put the cups in the dishwasher and hung the tray on its hook. He didn't look at Hikaru.

"Should we play, then?"

"Sure."

They returned to the game room and sat down, playing five games of speed Go in quick succession. When they were over, Hikaru sat back, biting his lip.

"Listen," he said, abruptly, "do you want me to touch you?"

Touya, who had been clearing the board of its stones, stilled. He neither moved nor spoke for a few seconds, and Hikaru swallowed.

"Yes, please." Touya's voice was steady, and he picked up the remaining stones with fingers that didn't tremble. Placing the bowl on the board next to Hikaru's, he pushed the board aside. "What should I do?"

"Nothing," Hikaru said, hastily, edging closer. "I don't want you to touch me, okay? I'll... I'll do the touching."

Touya nodded and kept still, and as Hikaru reached for him, he closed his eyes. They were sitting seiza, their knees pressing against each other. Touya's hands were folded neatly in his lap, and he breathed slowly and deeply as Hikaru's hands moved across his face and throat.

"Wish I had worn a t-shirt today," he said, without opening his eyes, as Hikaru moved to stroke his hands.

"Bit cold for that, isn't it?" Hikaru asked, surprised that they were talking. It seemed a bit jarring. Touching Touya was surely too serious, and too frightening for both of them, to warrant conversation.

"Yes, but then there would have been more skin available for you."

"Oh."

Touya had a point. It took very little time before he had finished doing exactly what he had done last time. Hesitating only a little, he unbuttoned one of Touya's shirt sleeves and pushed it up his arm: it didn't go far, because the cut of the garment was very narrow.

"I can take it off, if you like." The offer was carefully casual. Hikaru stared down at Touya's arm: it was thin and pale, and one vein was close enough to the surface of his skin that it pushed the skin slightly upwards. He traced its path with a fingertip.

"Okay."

He leaned back as Touya unbuttoned the six buttons on his shirt front, and the two on his still-closed cuff. As his rival pulled off his shirt and put it down beside them, Hikaru wondered, distantly, what he thought he was doing. This was abnormal, this wasn't something that rivals did. Touya sat back, bare-chested, his hands still resting in his lap. He seemed very calm; Hikaru resented it.

Placing a hand on Touya's shoulder, he traced the lines of his arm, gliding down his biceps to the hard angles of his elbow. Touya's eyes had closed again, and Hikaru used the opportunity to have a good look at him. Touya was lithe, his ribs visible, his collarbones sharply defined. His shoulders were bony, but much wider than they had once been; perhaps he would grow up to be as large and imposing a man as his father was. There was a hint of muscles as yet undeveloped: a strength behind the seemingly delicate and frail frame.

Once he'd run his hands over both of Touya's arms, he paused, feeling rather doubtful.

"Is it okay if..." he began, stopping to clear his throat. Touya looked at him, his face expressionless. "I mean," he added, uncertainly. "I can touch you more, if you want. If you're comfortable with it."

Touya sighed, and glared.

"Shindou," he said, clearly exasperated. "Touch me anywhere you want, in any way you want. Use your hands or your lips or your tongue or any other part of your anatomy. I want it. I want you to touch me. You don't need to ask for my permission."

Hikaru nodded, licking his lips.

"Close your eyes again," he whispered, and as Touya obeyed, he let his fingertips trail slowly down his chest, following his lines.

Touya was male, with a male body. It struck him as his fingers whispered over nipples that barely stood out from flat planes, and he wondered again why he was doing this. The answer, he knew, was fairly simple: he did it because Touya wanted him to, because Touya longed for his touch. It was like with Sai - Hikaru hadn't been the least bit interested in Go when the two of them met, but he'd still gone to a salon, had taken him to a tournament, had played the game simply because Sai wanted it so very badly. Admittedly, in Sai's case, the alternative was a lifetime of throwing up. But then again, in Touya's case, the alternative was an unhappy rival who pined for him and stared fixedly at his hands when he should be playing matches.

"Lean forwards," he said, when Touya's chest and stomach was familiar territory. "I'll touch your back. It's okay for you to lean against me."

Touya nodded, and without opening his eyes, he bent forward until his face was resting against Hikaru's shoulder, his arms looped very loosely around his neck. Hikaru took his time over Touya's back, rubbing tiny circles along the small of his back before stroking him with flat palms, the motion soothing and repetitive. They were both breathing calmly by now, deep regular breaths, as though they were sleeping. Hikaru closed his eyes, thinking of nothing other than the feeling of skin under his hands, and the sensation of Touya's warm breath against his neck.

"I'm getting aroused." Touya's voice was still calm, but Hikaru's eyes opened and he stared at the wall opposite in blank horror. The room was evidently used for tea ceremonies as well as for playing Go: there was a wall scroll bearing the legend One time, One meeting in tortuous, too-elaborate kanji.

"It's all right," Hikaru said, uncertainly, moving to stroke Touya's sides. They moved every time he drew a breath, and it occurred to Hikaru that Touya was human, and no different from anyone else: of course his body would respond when someone he was in love with was touching him. "It's all right," he repeated, meaning it, this time.

Reaching up, he slid his fingertips along Touya's neck, scratching it lightly, pausing occasionally to stroke his shoulders. It all felt much better than it ought to do. He should be disgusted, and he was genuinely surprised that he was not. But Touya was warm and soft to the touch, and the mood was, for some reason, pleasant.

His rival lifted his head, looking at him. Hikaru met his eyes, blushing very slightly, but too comfortable and relaxed to look away.

"Why are you doing this?" Touya asked.

"Haven't you asked me that before?"

"Yes. It just seems uncharacteristically selfless." Hikaru snorted, and leaned forward, giving Touya a very slow-motion headbutt.

"Ungrateful bastard. Take off your trousers."

"W-what?"

"I'm out of fresh places to touch. Do you want it to stop now?"

Touya stared at him for several seconds, then got to his feet and pulled down his trousers, taking off his socks as well and placing it all on top of the shirt. He hooked one thumb into the waistband of his underpants and turned to Hikaru, his eyes a challenge.

"These, too?"

Hikaru glared at him, too nervous to speak. There was a blatantly obvious bulge, and Touya's expression was so, so, so annoying; and it was clear he was expecting a negative answer. Hikaru nodded, once, very curtly, and Touya's eyes widened in shock. As his rival stripped and Hikaru's heart threatened to pound its way out of his chest, he reflected, miserably, that he had at least scored a point.

A point seemed like cold comfort when confronted with a lapful of naked, aroused Touya. His rival placed one knee on either side of Hikaru's legs, and went back to the position he had held earlier, his arms around Hikaru's neck and his face leaning against his shoulder.

"You don't have to do this," Touya said, very quietly. "What you've done is enough."

"I think I want to," Hikaru returned, stroking Touya's back again, trying not to feel sick. It was like when he used to blurt out things at the top of his voice that would have been better off kept secret. Somehow, he had got himself into this situation, and he was too stubborn to back down.

Fingers trembling, he rested his hands on Touya's hips. There was a slight indentation in his flesh, left by the belt. He rubbed at it, lightly, before moving to stroke across his stomach, careful to keep his hand very flat, so he wouldn't accidentally brush against any other parts of Touya's anatomy. His rival sighed; in pleasure or because he was feeling huffy, Hikaru couldn't tell which.

Closing his eyes, he followed the shape of Touya's hip bones with his fingertips before moving to stroke the tops of his thighs. Hands gliding over strong leg muscles, he stroked his way down to Touya's knees. They were knobbly. He paused, resting his hands on Touya's knees, waiting for the next coherent thought to make itself known. Touya's eyes were open: Hikaru could tell because at regular intervals, his eyelashes brushed against Hikaru's neck as he blinked.

Biting his lip, and trying not to shiver, he began to stroke the inside of Touya's thighs, moving his slow way up from his knees towards his crotch. The skin under his hands was soft, absurdly so, it felt like touching silk. Warm padded silk, draped over a narrow frame: the muscles and hamstrings were sharply defined.

And then, somehow, he had moved all the way to the top. He paused again, staring blankly at the One time, One meeting on the wall, feeling Touya's breath shudder against his neck. They were both tense, and neither of them seemed to be able to move. Hikaru closed his eyes again, and, feeling so dizzy that he had to use his other hand to steady himself against the floor, he brushed his fingertips over Touya's sac.

Touya gasped, and pressed his face hard into Hikaru shoulder, a tight tremor shivering through his body. Hikaru paused, pulse hammering in his throat, heat rising in his face.

"You- you do want this, right?"

"Yes."

Hikaru reached for him again, trying to think of it as just another part of Touya's body, just more skin to touch. Touya's reaction made that difficult: he was quivering with tension, and his breathing was quick; he sounded scared. Biting his lips, Hikaru moved both hands to cup him, using his thumbs to rub lightly at his testicles. Touya whimpered.

"If you keep doing this, sooner or later I'll come," he whispered.

"I know." Hikaru lifted one hand, stroking the backs of his fingers along the underside of Touya's erection. His rival made another plaintive sound, and shivered again, hard.

"You mean I can?"

"I think so."

Hikaru wrapped a hand around Touya's erection, and Touya lifted his head, looking at him. Neither of them said anything, and Hikaru moved his hand, gently, trying to use the same motions on Touya as he usually did for himself, when he was feeling aroused and needy, but not yet desperate. Touya's eyes closed, and he leaned forward, resting his forehead against Hikaru's. He was panting through parted lips, his exhalations damp against Hikaru's face.

"Does it feel good?" Hikaru breathed, barely audible even to himself.

"Yes. It's wonderful." Touya's voice was soft, and his face was unguarded, his skin shot through with pink. Hikaru smiled to himself, proud. Despite the weirdness of what was happening, it felt nice to be the cause of such obvious pleasure.

Touya opened his eyes again and leaned back a little, gazing down at Hikaru's hands. Hikaru didn't follow his gaze, he had no desire to see what he was doing. Instead, he kept his eyes on Touya, watching his expression as he watched Hikaru masturbating him.

Without warning, Touya's head tilted backwards and he moaned, the sound so lustful that it sent a hard jolt of desire into Hikaru's crotch. He couldn't understand how Touya could be this relaxed, how he could be this openly aroused, without any indication of embarrassment or awkwardness. He was letting Hikaru see his need, was letting him see the effect of his touches...

Out of a confused desire to reward him, Hikaru moved his thumb to rub hard at the underside of Touya's erection, just below the slit. It was a favourite spot of his, and judging by Touya's reaction, it was a good place for him, too. He moaned again and leaned forward, going back to resting his face against Hikaru's.

"Oh, damn, Shindou," he whispered, his voice trembling, "Shindou..."

The realisation came out of nowhere, but suddenly Hikaru knew why Touya was so at ease, and so ready to show how aroused he was: he trusted him. He trusted Hikaru without reservation, without question, he had no doubts whatsoever. Hikaru's heart swelled, painfully, and he wanted to hug Touya, wanted to tell him that everything was going to be all right, somehow. But both his hands were spoken for, and he had never been good with words.

"Kiss me," he said, quickly, hoping that Touya would draw comfort from it.

Touya's eyes opened and he looked at him, his expression dazed, as though Hikaru was speaking a language he just barely understood. After a moment's blank staring, he leaned in, kissing him with parted lips, his breathing hot against Hikaru's mouth. Then he stilled.

"I'm coming now," he murmured. He did. It happened so quietly that Hikaru would barely have noticed, had it not been for the wetness in his hand. Perhaps Touya, too, was used to controlling himself, for fear of being overheard by parents. He stared at his rival's face as it happened, the sight of his expression causing another hard twitch in his groin.

Touya sighed, smiled, and leaned forward, resting against Hikaru's shoulder, his arms going around him in something that was suspiciously like an embrace. Hikaru returned it, moving his hands to rest against Touya's back. So what if it meant that some of Touya's come ended up on his back: that was his problem, not Hikaru's. After a few moments, he started stroking him again, slowly.

Touya lifted his head and looked at him, and they held eye contact for what felt like a long time. Then Touya pressed his cheek to Hikaru's in a very gentle hug.

"Thank you," he said, simply. "I think I'll go and have a shower."

Hikaru nodded, and it was only with the tiniest feeling of regret he watched Touya get to his feet, taking his naked skin and warm body with him. After his rival left the room, he remained seated, trying to make sense of what had just happened. There was no sense to be found, and his hands were sticky.

He walked into the kitchen, his steps tentative and slow because his erection was making it difficult to walk normally. Washing his hands under the tap, he glanced out of the window: it was dark. He needed to get home soon.

Bracing himself, he ran icy water over his hand for a moment, before plunging it into his trousers, wrapping it around his arousal. The shock of it was near painful, but it worked: his erection shrank into nothingness.

As he walked along the corridor in the direction of the exit, the bathroom door opened and Touya stepped out, wrapped in towels.

"You're leaving?"

"It's late."

"You could spend the night."

"Nah. My mother would kill me."

"I see."

Touya trailed after him and watched as he put on his shoes and jacket. His expression was sober and serious, but still entirely unembarrassed. When he was ready to go, Hikaru straightened up and looked at Touya, not knowing what to say.

"Thank you," Touya said, formal and dignified. "You are much more indulgent towards me than you need to be."

"'s okay," Hikaru said, breaking eye contact and stepping out. "See you!"

*

Hikaru didn't think about Touya on the way home. He didn't think about him when he said goodnight to his mother, didn't think about him as he climbed the stairs, and didn't think about him as he undressed and got ready for the night.

He didn't think about him as he brushed his teeth, packed his bag for the next day, or turned out the lights. He didn't think about him as he laid down, as his head hit the pillow, as he closed his eyes. He most emphatically didn't think about him as he reached down between his legs and brought himself to a quick, harsh orgasm.

*

"Hikaru?"

"Huh? Oh, Akari. Hi."

It was too early in the morning, and a too cheerful Akari was beaming at him.

"Are you heading towards the station?"

"Yeah."

"I'll have your company, then! That's nice, it's just like when we were at school together."

She fell into step beside him, chattering about school, the Go club, her mother's cats, the weather, her new phone, and the way her winter school uniform would soon be exchanged for the summer version. Hikaru listened with half an ear, grunting in acknowledgement whenever it seemed appropriate.

"Hey, Akari," he said, as the station came into view. "You're in love with me, right?"

"W-what?" Akari looked shocked and hurt, as though he had just hit her, and she took a step back from him, her eyes very wide. Hikaru looked at her, his hands in his pocket.

"Let's go out together," he said. "To see what it feels like. To the cinema, or something."

"I- I..." She was blushing, Hikaru noted, dispassionately. Then her face was lit up with a genuinely happy smile, and she nodded. "Sure! When?"

"Dunno. Thursday?" Admittedly, Thursday was the one day a week when he was almost certain to meet Touya in the Go salon, but... Touya could wait.

"Of course! I really look forward to it, Hikaru..."

"I'll see you then."

*

He saw Touya only once that week, and not to speak to: they had Ooteai matches in the same room, but Hikaru arrived after Touya and left before him. He won his match: if his accumulation of points kept up at its current speed, he'd be a 3-dan before summer. Of course, Touya had moved ahead of him again, and was already a 4-dan. He tried not to let it annoy him.

*

Hikaru waited outside the cinema, feeling rather glum. Akari had insisted that they go to some romantic drama or other, and that despite the fact that a rather neat-looking action movie involving dinosaurs, time-travellers, and aliens with lasers was showing in the same cinema. Very reluctantly, Hikaru had bought the tickets for the right movie, and he paced restlessly outside the building, waiting for her.

"Hikaru!" He turned to find an almost unrecognisable Akari walking towards him, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling.

"Uh, wow," he said, realising that this was probably inadequate, as responses went, but he couldn't think of anything else to say. It was obvious that Akari hadn't come straight from school. It was weird seeing her in something other than a uniform.

"You look nice!" she said, smiling at him. "It suits you to wear a suit..."

"Oh, this?" he glanced down at himself. "I played a league match today, we have to dress formally for those."

"Oh. Did you win?"

"No." He frowned, not particularly wanting to talk about it. "I lost by two and a half moku. I was careless."

"Oh." She smiled, awkwardness in her face, and Hikaru took in the sight of her: nicely made-up, her hair in a more sophisticated and grown-up style than the one he had come to associate with her, and a dress that was, well. Short.

"You look nice," he said, meaning it, and fumbling for the tickets, because he couldn't think of what else to say. It occurred to him too late that he was quoting Akari word for word, but it was too late to fix. He got the tickets out and scowled at them. Five minutes until the film started. "Let's go."

Things got easier once they were inside, since there was no need to talk. Hikaru relaxed into his comfortable chair, focusing on the screen. The movie turned out to be something about a war, and two destined lovers: the war bit was unexpectedly exciting, and he watched with interest as the heroine's fiancé got blown to bits. But then there was a lengthy flashback to the backstory, with lots of romance stuff. The hero kept trying to persuade his fiancée to forget him and marry someone else, and she insisted, repeatedly and tearfully, that she would wait for him. At this point, there was discreet sniffling beside him, and when the lights went up, Akari's eye make-up had run, and she was wiping her face, trying to hide it.

"Well, that was boring," he said, getting to his feet and stretching. "Let's go home."

"Boring! How can you say that! It was beautiful!"

Hikaru laughed, holding out a hand for her to get up.

"Silly Akari," he said, grinning at her. "You shouldn't fall for that kind of tripe."

She pouted, then smiled back at him and let herself be helped to her feet.

"Thanks for taking me out, Hikaru," she said, as they exited the building. "I enjoyed myself."

"It's fine," he said, absently, and they walked to the train station. He glanced at the clock as he bought their tickets: nine thirty... Touya probably knew, by now, that Hikaru wasn't coming. But perhaps he still hoped he might. The thought gave him vicious pleasure, and he turned to Akari with a warm smile. She returned it, brightly, her happiness so obvious Hikaru felt embarrassed on her behalf.

On the train home, there was a... Hikaru supposed he had to dignify the creature with the label "man", though the person in question had done everything he could to disguise his gender. He was wearing a dress, had long painted nails, long bleached hair and heavy make-up. Only the size of his frame and his stubble showed him up for what he was. Hikaru's hands curled into tight fists. Akari's happy chatter stopped, and she followed Hikaru's gaze, her face showing her confusion.

When the train deposited them on the right station and they were out of earshot, she turned to him, curiously.

"What's wrong? Why did you seem so angry?"

"Because it's disgusting, that's why," Hikaru said, tightly. He took the stairs two at a time. Akari ran after him, her heels clicking, and when she caught up, she stopped and bent over, heaving for breath.

"What's the matter? If it makes him happy..."

"He looks like a girl."

Akari straightened up and frowned at him.

"I'm a girl, Hikaru," she said, her tone disapproving. Hikaru blinked.

"Yeah, I know... I mean, it's okay for you. You are a girl. But he's not. It's disgusting."

"I don't see why it's any business of yours," she sniffed, setting off in the direction of home, wobbling very slightly: the heels were probably too high for her. Hikaru followed, a deep frown on his face. They walked in silence, Akari evidently not prepared to forgive him any time soon, and Hikaru feeling far too troubled to speak.

They had walked all the way back to their street before either of them spoke again.

"A friend of mine confessed to me," Hikaru said, abruptly. "A male friend of mine."

"...Oh." Akari stopped walking, and looked up at him, her anger no longer in evidence. Hikaru looked down at the ground.

"I don't want him to... I like him as he is. I don't want him to start wearing make-up and act like he's a girl."

"Why would he?"

"'Cos that's what men like that do?" Akari frowned and shook her head, beginning to walk again.

"Hikaru, if someone who didn't play Go was asked to describe what an average Go player looked like, what do you think they'd say?"

"Huh? Uh, I dunno. That a Go player is an old man with no teeth who smokes a lot?" She nodded, as though Hikaru were a clever pupil of hers.

"And what would they say a professional Go player looked like?" she asked.

"Uh. Someone in their forties, with glasses and expensive cars. Who smokes a lot."

"And I'm an average Go player, and you're a pro. Do either of us look like that?"

"...No."

"There you are, then. Your friend likes you, it doesn't mean he's going to change." She glanced at him, smiling a little. Hikaru frowned, not sure he liked this grown-up, sensible Akari. She was much easier to deal with when he could think of her as an incompetent little sister.

Hikaru walked her to her home, and she got out the key, then turned, tilting her head backwards and looking up at him. After a few silent seconds, Hikaru realised he was supposed to kiss her, so he did, feeling slick lipstick against his mouth. When he broke the kiss, she smiled at him, a little shakily, and reached up, wiping his lips free of lipstick.

"That was my first kiss," she said, her voice happy.

"Oh."

"...it wasn't yours?"

"No."

"Oh. I see. Who...?"

Hikaru glanced away, feeling his cheeks heat up. Akari drew a sharp breath.

"Your friend?"

"Yeah."

"No wonder you're a little upset. He kissed you, just like that?"

"I don't really want to talk about it."

"Of course. Goodnight, Hikaru." She stood on tip-toe and kissed him again before letting herself in and closing the door behind her.

*

The next week was spent tutoring, posing for photos, reading the kifu of his next Ooteai opponent, and scowling at the information in Go Weekly to the effect that Touya was spending Monday to Wednesday in Okinawa, as the guest star of a large local tournament. Hikaru didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed that there was no chance of running into him at the institute.

Thursday arrived with rain and wind, and Hikaru ran through it on his way to the Go salon, grateful for the excuse to expend some energy. He ran up the stairs, pausing to shake himself like a dog before entering.

Ichikawa-san greeted him brightly as he entered, and he nodded at her, his mind on his rival. Touya was already there, waiting for him. Waiting, as he had done last week. Something like a bad conscience tried to get Hikaru's attention, but he ignored it, crossing the floor and sitting down.

"Nigiri," he said, reaching for the stones, and Touya nodded, his face impassive. Hikaru won black.

They played in silence, a vicious game full of malice: they were both much more aggressive than they normally would be. Hikaru threw caution to the wind and ripped Touya's central formation apart, leaving his right side undefended, and Touya made a mockery of his plans, killing off cluster after cluster. They played rapidly, racing through yose as though they were planning to catch a train. Touya won by five and a half moku.

"Not good enough yet," he said, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms over his chest, his expression spiteful.

"Shut up," Hikaru said, smarting from his loss and from the inadequate riposte.

"Why didn't you come, last Thursday?"

"I was on a date. With a girl."

There was a pause: Touya's face was suddenly blank.

"What stopped you from leaving a phone message? It's rude, Shindou, you knew I was expecting you."

"It's not like we had an agreement!" Hikaru said, heatedly. "It just happens that we are both usually free on Thursdays."

"Would you have behaved this way with any of your friends? Letting them wait for you without telling them you weren't coming?"

Hikaru bounced to his feet, anger curling in his stomach.

"Well, none of my friends have told me they are a -"

He stopped, very abruptly, realising what he had been about to yell at full volume in a public Go salon, within earshot of an employee of Touya's father. Touya had gone white.

"I think you'd better leave," he said, and Hikaru turned on his heel and left without another word.

Part Two.