Hikaru no Go fic: Making the Moves, Part Two
Part one is here.
That evening, he laid down flat on his bed, pulled the pillow over his head, and cried. Something had broken, and he wasn't sure what it was, or how to repair it.
He wished he had someone to talk to, but it was like when Sai disappeared: this wasn't something that could be shared with anyone.
*
The following Tuesday, he arrived very early for the scheduled Ooteai matches. Touya would be there, and Hikaru would be able to do something or other that would stop the world from feeling like it was falling apart. He paced the hall restlessly, glancing at the clock every thirty seconds, his heart leaping every time the lift doors pinged and opened.
Touya didn't come. The clock struck ten, the buzzer went off, and Touya wasn't there. Hikaru rushed into the game room and sat down, beginning his match with all his attention on the absent Touya. His opponent was a nice, friendly-looking woman in her forties, someone who was still a 2-dan ten years after getting her pro status, and who ought to have been easy to beat. They were both shocked when Hikaru resigned; but he had played himself into a corner.
It was all Touya's fault. He got to his feet and marched to the office, hovering by the counter. One of the employees, a bespectacled man in his forties, looked up from his paperwork and stubbed out his cigarette.
"Shindou-kun?"
"Do you know where Touya is? He wasn't at the match."
"Hm? Oh, yes. He rang earlier and said he wasn't coming. A stomach bug, I think it was. It's spring, there are a lot of things in the air..."
"Oh. Okay. Thanks."
*
By Thursday afternoon, there had been no message that their usual Go salon meeting was off, so his heart pounded as he ran up the stairs. Finally, he'd see Touya again. And everything would be worked out somehow, and they could go back to being rivals and forget all about the weird stuff and Touya's unforgivable desires. Yes. That was how things were going to go.
He was out of breath as he entered the salon, and looked around eagerly: Touya didn't seem to be there, but then again, Touya was a quiet sort, and he might be lurking in the depths of the salon. Hikaru stretched his neck and tried to peek around corners.
"Shindou-kun!" It was Ichikawa-san, returning to the counter with an empty tea tray. "Touya rang and said to say he's sorry, but he's not coming today..."
"What? Why not?"
"The poor boy has got a headache, apparently. I can't help but feel that his mother is giving him too much leeway. Leaving him to himself while she's off in China, really. He's too young to look after himself..." She looked at him, her expression worried. "And yet he wouldn't let me come and see to him! He's so independent."
"Yeah. Uh. Thanks."
He left, his head bowed. The desire to talk to someone was back, even though he had no idea what he would say if he did have someone he could talk to. Which he didn't. His father? Never home. His mother? Wouldn't understand. Waya? Would laugh at Touya's dirty secret and spread it everywhere. Isumi-san? ...might conceivably work, but for Hikaru's suspicions that maybe, just maybe, Isumi-san was like Touya.
The journey home was too long, and yet when he arrived, he felt too restless to stay in his room. So he wandered around in the quiet residential streets, frowning at the budding flowers and the fresh green grass. There was even a cherry tree somewhere, leaning over the fence, its buds just beginning to swell. Touya had been surrounded by fluttering blossoms, that time, when he'd come to his school...
"Hikaru?"
He turned his head: Akari was watching him, her bag in her hand, looking much more familiar in her school uniform and with her hair pulled back the way it usually was.
"Oh, hi."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's... Why do you think something's wrong?"
"It's just... your face." She looked worried, and Hikaru sighed.
"It's nothing." He wanted to cry. Akari looked at him in silence for what seemed like a long time, and then she stepped up to him, taking his arm.
"Come home with me. Have a drink."
"What? No!"
"Yes. Come along." Hikaru, protesting, was grabbed at and pulled, and they walked the last few steps to her house very quickly. He wondered where this new headstrong Akari had come from, and decided it probably had to do with growing up. It was unsettling.
She got him something to drink, and they sat down in the living room. Akari's mother had smiled at him and greeted him with enthusiasm, but had evidently decided that the best thing to do was to leave them alone: she left to go grocery shopping five minutes after they arrived.
Akari said nothing at all, drinking her juice in silence, her gaze on Hikaru. After several minutes of this, Hikaru sighed and put his glass down.
"It's my friend. The one who confessed to me. I don't know what to do."
Akari nodded, crossed one leg over the other, and remained silent. Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair.
"I really... He's my best friend. In a way. He really matters to me." That ought to explain it, didn't it? But Akari didn't comment. "It's just! He's in love with me! Am I supposed to just accept that?" He was silent for a long time, no longer expecting Akari to say anything, his focus on his own thoughts. "It's disgusting," he added, quietly. "No, not disgusting... It's not disgusting, but it ought to be. Why isn't it?"
Akari took another sip of her drink, her face attentive. She remained silent, but Hikaru felt himself beginning to relax. Akari was all right, really.
"I want things to go back to the way they were."
"Well, they won't." He jumped, not having expected a response, and looked at her in confusion. "He has confessed to you, that's not going to change just because you wish that it would."
Hikaru looked down at his hands. The hands that Touya fantasised about. The hands that had touched him, had made him come... He shivered. Akari shifted in her seat, watching Hikaru with what seemed like a mixture of concern and irritation.
"How does he feel about all this?"
"What? I dunno. I haven't spoken to him about it."
"What? Oh, men." Akari seemed annoyed, and she straightened her back, looking at him with disapproving eyes. "Are you just pretending nothing's happened, is that it?"
"...We seem to be mostly avoiding one another." Akari blinked, her mouth opening in horror.
"Hikaru. He's your friend. You care about him. You can't just let things slide. Do you really want to lose him?"
*
"Mother?"
"Hikaru? Welcome home."
"Yeah, ah. I'm actually not home. Just dropping in to say I won't be back for a while. I'm going over to Touya's."
"But it's already quite late. Hadn't it better wait until tomorrow?"
"Nah, it's important. I... I might stay over, if it gets late, so don't wait up, okay?"
*
Touya's house seemed dark and unwelcoming, but Hikaru spotted light coming from the area of the house where he knew Touya's bedroom was located. He simultaneously rang the doorbell, knocked the door, and called out, ignoring what Ichikawa-san had said about the headache. It was just an excuse, anyway.
Several minutes passed, and Hikaru was about to pound the door again and shout threats regarding the general flimsiness of the building materials that went into traditional Japanese houses, when the door opened and Touya looked out at him.
"...Oh. Hi." Words were suddenly very hard to get out; he was generally better at the shouting end of things.
"What do you want?"
"Uh. To sort things out. I think."
"I've still got the tail end of a bout of flu. Can't it wait?" Touya's eyes were red-rimmed, and he seemed tired.
"Can I come in? Just for a bit."
His rival shrugged, nodded, and stepped back, letting him inside. Whatever had propelled Hikaru through the streets and across the city was suddenly gone, and he felt unusually empty of initiative. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the floor. There was an idea, he could take off his shoes. He bent to do so, untying the laces on his shoes.
"Shindou, if you have something to say, can't you just say it?"
"I don't know what to say," Hikaru protested, kicking his shoes off and stepping up to his rival. "Hey, should I touch you?"
Touya stiffened, and folded his arms across his chest.
"I'm not really in the mood."
"What? You want that. You said so."
"...Yes. But if I have to pay for it by having you act like a total arse, then I prefer to go without."
Hikaru hesitated, and put a very tentative hand on Touya's arm.
"I didn't mean to," he said, "It just sort of happened." Touya unfolded his arms and let them hang by his side. Hikaru wasn't sure if it was an implicit invitation or not, but he stepped closer, tugging him into a hug. Touya remained passive, letting Hikaru hug him, neither returning the embrace or resisting it. "It's just... all this isn't easy for me."
"Do you think it's easy for me?"
Something in his voice gave Hikaru pause, and he lifted his head, looking carefully at Touya's face. His rival looked as though he was on the verge of tears, his expression one of absolute misery. Hikaru gasped, and pulled him closer, hugging him hard.
"I'm so sorry," he said, urgently. "I'm really, really sorry." He had never paused to consider what it would feel like, falling in love with your best frie- your rival, confessing to him, and to have him react... well, like Hikaru had reacted. His hands went to Touya's hair, and he stroked it, leaning his face against Touya's and closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Touya. Forgive me, please." Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then two arms moved around Hikaru's waist, hugging him, and Hikaru breathed again. He didn't know what else to say, so he remained silent for a long time, his arms firm around Touya. It felt good to hold him.
"When Sai disappeared," he began, eventually, "I had a lot of regrets, and things I wished I'd done differently." His thumb rubbed small circles along Touya's skull, the other's hair smooth and soft to the touch. "I don't want to end up feeling like that with you. Is there something I can do to fix things?"
There was silence again, but there was tension in Touya's body that hadn't been there before. His rival lifted his head and looked at him, meeting his eyes. Hikaru blinked. He knew this expression, it was the way Touya always looked when he began a match: determined, ruthless, utterly focused.
"Shindou. You really want to make up for it? In that case, let me touch you."
*
He was getting hard even before he got all his clothes off. Trying to distract himself from what was happening, he looked around, focusing on his surroundings. Touya's room was lit by one small desk lamp as well as the computer monitor, and as Hikaru undressed, his rival got out the futon, which was a pale yellow. The room was very warm: perhaps Touya had been telling the truth, and he really had been ill. A half-empty pack of tissues, a few mysterious medicinal bottles, and a bin full of discarded tissues and throat lozenge packages seemed to bear up his rival's story.
"Lie down on your stomach when you're naked." Touya stepped away from the bed, beginning to undress. Hikaru swallowed, pulling off his socks and draping them over the desk chair, glancing at the computer to see what he had been working on. A long row of Chinese numerals met his eye: kifu, then. There seemed to be several windows open, though Hikaru didn't really understand how that worked. Opening his belt, he bent down to read what they said: Judan Tournament Schedule, Honinbo Jowa vs. Intetsu Akaboshi, Sex Tips For Men. Hikaru blushed, wondering if any of them would be used on him.
He got naked very quickly after that, and moved to lie down without looking at Touya. He felt self-conscious enough as it was: it would be uncomfortable to know himself inspected. Lying down on his stomach, he closed his eyes and tried not to hyperventilate. There was the rustle of clothes being removed, then there was the sound of a drawer opening and closing, footsteps, the sound of something being put down on the futon, and then Touya's hands were on his back. Hikaru tensed.
"This time round, I'm the one who doesn't want to be touched," Touya said, his hands gliding rapidly up and down along Hikaru's back. "Lie still. Be passive. Let me touch you."
"I already said I would," Hikaru whispered, trying to ignore the ache between his legs. There was a kiss: lips pressing hard against the point where his back met his neck. Touya's hair tickled his shoulders, and he shivered.
It was very different from the time Hikaru had been in charge. Touya's hands moved quickly, hungrily, seemingly trying to cover as much of Hikaru's body as fast as he could, as though he were afraid Hikaru would change his mind, or protest. His hands slid over Hikaru's back and arms, and he kept kissing him: all along his spine, his neck, even his elbows. Everything was happening too fast, and the sensations were confusing, too many and too overwhelming. Touya's hands slid down Hikaru's sides, and then moved to his buttocks, grasping them both, kneading hard at them. Hikaru yelped and buried his face in a pillow, feeling his skin burn with mortification.
"It seems I made an ear-reddening move," Touya whispered, his hands rolling naked flesh.
"This- this is not the moment to make a damn Go joke," Hikaru gasped.
"Turn over."
Hikaru obeyed, acutely conscious of his erection, and closed his eyes once he was flat on his back. Touya kissed his chest right between the nipples, and his hands moved to stroke Hikaru's sides and stomach, with the same eagerness as before. Hikaru twitched, uneasy with the high tempo and with the unpredictability of what was happening. Touya was too close, everything was too hot, and he was far too aroused. He blushed again, rubbing hard at his face with both hands, feeling his own body arch up against Touya's lips. He could no longer think clearly, but since events were outside his control anyway, it didn't seem to matter much.
"Stand on all fours," Touya said, and Hikaru, confused, looked up to see him opening a condom.
"Wh- You're not going to..?"
"No. I'm not. Move."
It was harder to obey, this time: his arms were trembling with tension, and it seemed ridiculously hard to keep his balance. Panting hard, he could feel sweat pricking his forehead and trickling from his armpits, his cheeks glowing with heat.
A slick finger touched him there. He gasped in horror and froze as it slid inside him, the sensation neither pleasant nor painful. He would have protested, had it not been for the sudden presence of a warm hand around his erection. His brain, never his most reliable organ, ground to a halt, and he keened, unable to think, unable to process, unable to understand.
And then the hands started moving. His elbows gave out, and he rested his arms and face against the mattress, as the fast, harsh rhythm took over the entire universe and demanded his complete attention. Without needing to think about it, he moved his knees further apart, tilting his pelvis back, making it easier for Touya's finger to penetrate him. He had never felt this hot in his life, nor as aroused, and he came with a helpless squeak, biting down on the bedclothes so he wouldn't make any more embarrassing noises.
As soon as Touya had pulled his finger out, Hikaru laid down, stretching out and trying to catch his breath. There was the sound of the bin being pulled closer, and then something dropped into it: the condom, presumably. Hikaru's insides were feeling odd: ticklish, or tingly, as though nerve endings that had never before known they existed suddenly felt the need to make themselves known.
"That was nice," he admitted, to the mattress.
"It's not over. Turn around."
"What? But..."
"You have come. That's all. It's not over."
"But..."
"Shindou. Turn around."
With an impatient huff, Hikaru did, lying down on his back. Touya was kneeling on the bed, his eyes hard and his expression determined. He was aroused, and his skin glistened in the cold light from the monitor. He was nice to look at, Hikaru decided. Beautiful, even.
"What are you going to do now?" he asked.
"Touch you."
Touya bent over him, his face suddenly very close to Hikaru's own. He thought for a moment the other was going to kiss him, but then Touya's face went lower, aiming for his neck. Hikaru's eyes closed as Touya's hair covered his face, and he grunted softly at the feeling of a tongue and lips working their way from his ear down along his neck. It felt good. Really good, better than anything had any right to feel.
Despite the injunction against touching him, Hikaru bent an arm and rested his hand on Touya's shoulder. It felt necessary, like a way of anchoring himself. And Touya didn't seem to mind, the licks and kisses went on unabated.
Then Touya bit him. Hikaru gasped, pressing the back of his head into the mattress, his hand clutching hard at Touya's shoulder. He knew - knew in his bones - that if he asked him to stop, Touya would. But doing so would somehow be a terrible thing to do. The bite gradually increased in strength, going from slightly to moderately painful, and from there into something that made Hikaru's body tense and shiver and send sparks of lust directly into his groin. He moaned, and Touya lifted his head, looking down into his face. Then he kissed him, a hard clumsy wet kiss that Hikaru returned before he had time to think about what he was doing.
While the kiss was still happening, Touya's hands went to his chest, stroking it. Hikaru grunted and moved his hand to rest against the back of his rival's head, hoping to stabilise things, to stop himself from getting overwhelmed again. Touya seemed to take that as encouragement, and he laid down on top of him. The considerable shock of so much naked skin pressing heavily against his own made Hikaru break the kiss, and he turned his head to the side, gasping for air.
"I -" he panted, but he had no idea what he was trying to say, and so he clung to Touya's shoulders with both hands instead. His rival bent down low again, beginning to kiss and lick the hitherto untouched side of Hikaru's neck. Touya was so warm against him, and so silky smooth, and so very very naked: Hikaru moaned, pressing up against him, appalled that anything so wrong could feel so good.
"Please," he whispered, turning his head and trying to get eye contact. "Please, Touya."
It seemed Touya had been waiting for something like that, even though Hikaru had no idea what he had just asked for. Touya lifted his head and stared down into his face. Even had he not felt his rival's erection against him, Hikaru would have been able to tell that he was aroused: his cheeks were flushed and his eyes seemed very dark, the pupils so dilated that they covered almost the entire iris. He was hideously attractive.
"You're aroused again." Touya's voice seemed huskier than normal, and the sound of it sent a shiver along Hikaru's spine.
"I know." He tried to speak with spirit, maybe even asperity, but it came out sounding rather innocent and helpless. He was used to dealing with Touya's aggression on a Go board, but this was different. Intimidating, frightening and deeply, deeply thrilling. He slid his palms along Touya's back, horribly aware of the fact that they were both aroused, and both naked, together. He closed his eyes and tensed as a surge of arousal went through him, and then Touya moved, lifting himself off Hikaru and scooting down the mattress.
"What are you -" Hikaru began, his voice ending on a gasp as his erection was encased by slick, wet heat. Everything seemed to stop, or maybe time just slowed down: Hikaru's body was frozen in an arch, his face set in a rictus of horrified lust, his hands tightly fisted in the bedlinen. This couldn't be happening, it wasn't possible that Touya, his rival and friend, was doing what it felt like he was doing. He didn't dare look down: getting a confirmation would be too shocking, and as long as he didn't check, he could believe this was just the result of sensory overload, that all that was really happening was that Touya had wrapped a lubricated palm around him. Or that his brain was confused due to lack of oxygen: he seemed to have forgotten to breathe quite some time ago.
Then Touya licked him, and Hikaru threw his head back, screaming his rival's name as he came.
When it was over, he sank back, relieved and exhausted and very determined not to think. He felt dizzy, but not, he realised, nauseous. Or revolted. He ought to feel revolted.
Something warm dripped onto his skin. He opened his eyes to find Touya kneeling next to him, both hands around his erection and his head thrown so far back Hikaru couldn't see his expression. He looked wild and desperate and beautiful and only the tiniest bit absurd. As Hikaru watched, he hissed and lifted his head, looking down at the droplets of come as they fell onto Hikaru's body, his face blank with desire. When his orgasm was over, Touya reached out and smeared his come over Hikaru's stomach, the touch of his fingertips light and delicate. Hikaru forced himself not to tremble.
His rival laid down next to him, draping an arm across his chest and resting his head on Hikaru's shoulder. They were both silent for a while, busying themselves with the matter of catching their breath and getting their heartbeats back to a normal pace. Hikaru, not allowing himself to think about what he was doing, put his hand over Touya's, keeping his arm in place. After some contemplation, he also slid an arm around Touya's shoulders, to make sure he didn't go anywhere.
"Are you still angry with me?" he asked, his voice very soft.
"No. Just don't do it again."
"I won't." He relaxed, moving his fingers over the back of Touya's hand, his gaze on the ceiling. His backside was inclined to draw attention to itself, his neck was smarting, and Touya's come was drying on his skin - his rival hadn't been exactly subtle about things. But that was all right. "We're rivals," he said, content. "I'm yours and you are mine."
"Yes."
They were silent again, but it was a comfortable silence, and Hikaru couldn't quite bring himself to worry about anything much.
*
When he woke up, the clock on Touya's desk claimed the time was 03:24. He blinked in the harsh light from the desk lamp, relieved that the computer at least seemed to have turned itself off. Touya was still where he had been: draped along Hikaru's side, one arm over his chest. It was pleasant, though stifling hot.
It had felt good. He looked up at the ceiling and thought about it, but it was hard to concentrate because his body kept wanting to respond. And a small part of his mind was trying to make him panic, but he pushed that impulse away: he had already hurt Touya with his reactions once, and he wasn't going to do so again. Whatever else happened.
Sighing, he patted Touya's hand and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.
*
Movement woke him up, and he lifted his head, watching Touya head towards the door.
"Where're you going?" he asked, muzzily, feeling a bit unfairly treated. Touya glanced over his shoulder at him.
"I just need the toilet."
"Oh."
Touya vanished, and Hikaru laid back, grunting and rubbing at his face. It was morning: warm sunlight was filling the room. He was sweaty and tired and bits of him were aching. Sitting up, he yawned, hugging his knees and realising that he, too, rather needed the toilet. And a shower. A very long shower that involved a lot of soap: he felt sticky.
The sound of the door sliding open made him look up: Touya had returned, and he was naked. Hikaru blinked and looked away.
"Sorry I woke you up," Touya said, returning to bed and lying down next to Hikaru.
"'s okay," Hikaru yawned, stretching. "It's morning."
He got to his feet, steadying himself against Touya's desk for balance, and picked up his clothes.
"I'll go and have a shower," he said, "I need it."
Touya nodded, watching him with something that looked like wariness, but Hikaru couldn't think about that just yet. He wandered into the bathroom, relieved himself, and showered. The feeling of warm water and soap was delightful, and by the time he had washed himself, he was fully awake. He dressed and exited the bathroom, following smells into the kitchen, where coffee and toast was happening. Touya, by now decently wrapped in a yukata, glanced up.
"I'll have a shower as well. Help yourself to breakfast."
"Thanks."
Hikaru sat down as Touya left the room, picking a slice of toast from the toaster, eating it plain rather than indulge in any of the suspicious-looking condiments on the table. He ate slowly, looking out of the window and reflecting that they probably ought to talk about it. But he didn't know what to say, he was fairly convinced Touya didn't either, and he had a preliminary match for the Ouza league today, anyway.
*
He felt at peace with the world when he walked home from the station that night. The weather was balmy, there had been a bracing squabble with Waya over lunch, and despite his opponent's peculiar habit of staring at him, he had won the prelim. Rolling his shoulders and sighing in contentment, it occurred to him he should probably thank Akari. He was just by her house anyway, it wouldn't be any trouble.
Following that impulse, he rang the doorbell and smiled at her when she opened.
"Hikaru!"
"Just wanted to say thanks," he said, rather pleased with himself for this thoughtfulness. "I think I've sorted it out, now."
"Oh, Hikaru, that's won-" Akari stopped abruptly, and her eyes widened. Hikaru blinked, surprised at the reaction, his confusion deepening as Akari's face gradually grew a deep red.
"What? What is it?"
"Hikaru..." She lifted both hands to her mouth, evidently utterly embarrassed. "Hikaru, have you looked in the mirror lately?"
"Huh?" Elbowing his way past her, he stepped into the Fujisaki hallway, walking up to the mirror. Akari squeaked in horror, both hands still in front of her mouth, her body crouched over in something that looked like abject apology.
There was a bruise on his throat: the mark was uneven, with a pattern of dark purple dots against a background of dark red: Touya's teeth were imprinted on him, looking like a particularly shameless pearl necklace.
"I'm going to kill him," he breathed, and Akari turned and ran up the stairs.
*
He let himself out and closed the door behind him. Pulling his collar up as high as it would go, he marched through the streets, reflecting that that had been visible all day. It explained why his opponent had kept staring at him, at any rate. But Waya hadn't said anything... then again, Waya didn't notice things even when they were right under his nose, which was one of the reasons why he still had a long way to go as a Go player.
But it didn't mean that everyone knew. All anyone could tell - well, anyone other than Akari - was that someone had bitten him. They couldn't tell that the person who had done it was male. Heart pumping hard, he let himself in, called out that he was home, and escaped to his room before his mother had time to come out of the kitchen. Dinner that night was eaten whilst wearing a high-necked sweater.
*
At bedtime, he turned out the lights and undressed slowly, taking each garment off with ceremony, stripping down to his skin before he looked at himself in the mirror again. The bruise stood out very clearly against his neck, even in the dark room. He brushed his fingers over it, wincing at the slight pain. Touya had marked him. It felt almost like Touya had tried to mark him as his property.
But that was how it had always been, wasn't it? Touya was his, and he was Touya's.
He went to bed, pulling the bedclothes over himself and closing his eyes, allowing himself to dwell on what had happened. Touya had touched him everywhere, had made him come, had kissed him. And it had felt good.
Sliding his hands over what parts of his body that he could reach, he mimicked yesterday's touches. Touya. Touya of the fierce eyes, the volatile temper, the soft lips. He reached down, beginning to masturbate, replaying last night's events over and over in his mind until he came, biting his hand so he wouldn't make a noise.
Afterwards, he laid still, relishing the glow of pleasure in his body and wondering when Touya would touch him again.
*
It turned out he did not. The weeks passed, the bruise faded, and life returned to normal. They met once a week in the Go salon. Touya always seemed genuinely pleased to see him, and as prepared as always to berate him for stupid mistakes, point out his failures, and shout at him. It was comfortable, in an odd way: a kind of reassurance that no, his rival really wasn't about to turn up wearing a skirt and a simper.
Yet Hikaru was aware of his own mounting frustration. Not that they had ever spent much time alone together, but now they never seemed to be without the company of other people at all. Touya himself was too busy to see him more than once a week. The Touya home had become the meeting place of Ogata's informal Go sessions, so visiting him was out. And the clientele at the Go salon seemed disinclined to stop hovering around the salon's two unofficial mascots, effectively stopping any serious conversations they might have had over the Go board.
And Touya seemed fine with this state of affairs. He was relaxed, his smiles were becoming frequent, and Hikaru gradually came to realise that Touya was happy, happier than he had been in his life. It was hard to understand: how could he be, when he was in love with someone who wasn't in love with him back? When the touching he yearned for wasn't happening?
It took him a long time to work it out, but in the end, he did. It happened one day in the Go salon. They had been playing for some hours, when Touya paused at an odd moment. Hikaru glanced up to find him staring at his lips, looking rather dazed.
"Touyaaa," Hikaru muttered, kicking him under the table, "you're staring at me. Snap out of it."
Touya jolted back into awareness of the present, and laughed. It was a nice sound; Hikaru didn't think he'd ever heard it before.
"Sorry," he said, a faint blush in his cheeks. He played his hand, smiling in a rather bashful way, seemingly entirely at ease.
"Idiot."
"Yeah. Your turn."
Hikaru played, then sat back and watched Touya, puzzled. He seemed so calm, as though his attraction to Hikaru was a laughing matter, something that neither of them needed to take seriously. He blinked, realisation dawning that that was precisely what it was, from Touya's perspective: Touya had confessed to him, and after a few bumps in the road, his feelings had been acknowledged as valid. Hikaru knew, Hikaru understood, and Hikaru accepted, therefore Touya could go back to getting on with the important things in life, i.e. playing Go, secure in the knowledge that everything was fine. As far as Touya was concerned, the matter was settled, the whole incident over and done with.
It ought to have been a source of relief, Hikaru realised, horrified. It ought to be something to be profoundly grateful for.
It very definitely ought not to feel like he'd been kicked repeatedly in the stomach.
*
The next few weeks, he threw himself into his Go, harder than ever before. He won all his Ooteai matches and was made a 3-dan, but the fact barely registered. Playing his way through all the league preliminaries demanded most of his concentration, and his hard work paid off: by the time summer rolled around, he had made it into four different leagues, sharing three of them with Touya. In addition to Morishita-sensei's study sessions, he started attending the rather coquettish ones that Ogata ran: they weren't formal sessions, but he learned from them all the same, playing as many high-level dans as he could.
He grew stronger. Touya was still ahead of him, but not by much: Hikaru was now winning one game in every three. Touya seemed delighted at the development, and responded by stepping up his own pace. They had begun their race in earnest, Hikaru realised, they were hurtling down the road towards the Hand of God.
*
"Hikaru? You have a visitor!"
He sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching before getting to his feet, heading downstairs, his mind full of Go. Akari was standing in the door, looking uncertain; his mother was smiling at him.
"Akari? What do you want?" he asked, ignoring his mother's admonishing Hikaru! in favour of getting his facial expression under control. The last time he had seen her... Judging by Akari's blush, she was remembering too, but she smiled at him, brightly.
"I was hoping you'd play a game of shidougo with me," she said. "Our club is taking part in a tournament tomorrow."
"Huh? Oh, okay. Come upstairs." He turned, walking up to his room again, and his mother called out she'd bring them something to drink. She sounded triumphant, or encouraging, or something. He sat down and picked the stones off the board, putting them back in their bowls.
"Were you working?" Akari asked, sitting down opposite him.
"Just recreating the kifu of Honinbo Chihaku," Hikaru said, pushing the bowl with the black stones over towards Akari. "I could have beaten him easily, but he died when he was twenty-three, so it's not like he had time to get very good. Put down as many stones as you like."
Akari nodded and put down eighteen stones, and they began to play, the silence interrupted only by his mother, who brought them iced tea. Akari smiled and thanked her, and they went back to their game.
She seemed to be playing him seriously. It took a little while before this registered, but when it did, he felt at a loss. Keeping his face carefully impassive, he played her gently, edging away from her more extreme mistakes, letting her take the occasional stone. It was a difficult balance: he couldn't make any moves that were too obviously bad, or she would see through him, but he felt too sorry for her, or too guilty, to finish the game quickly.
They played all the way to the end, and Akari bent over the board, counting eagerly. Hikaru already knew: he'd won by two moku. It had been quite a feat to win by so little.
After a few minutes of counting, Akari's face fell, and she sat back, giving him an unhappy smile.
"I couldn't beat you, even with as big a handicap as that," she said. "You really are incredible, Hikaru."
He shrugged, awkwardly, beginning to clear the board. Akari reached for her drink and took a sip.
"It's what I do for a living," Hikaru said, as though trying to excuse himself. Akari nodded.
"You and Touya," she agreed. "Weekly Go keeps talking of your rivalry, and the way the two of you are the best players under twenty-five."
He shrugged, not looking at her, taking his glass and drinking to give himself something to do. Akari was still watching him; he felt the weight of her gaze.
"It was him, wasn't it?" she added, quietly. "Who kissed you?"
He stilled, his gaze on the empty board. It wasn't any of Akari's business, but... she had been kind, or tried to be. He nodded. Akari made a sound of acknowledgement.
"Hikaru," she added, "You really, really care about Go, don't you?"
Surprised, he looked up. Her expression was oddly sad.
"Of course I do!" he exclaimed. "Go is my life."
She nodded, finishing her drink.
"It really is another world, isn't it?" she said, quietly. "I promised myself that if I could beat you -" She shook her head, interrupting herself with a shaky smile. "But of course I couldn't, I could never beat a pro. I can't even begin to understand what your world is like, Hikaru."
He stayed silent, confused by how devastated she seemed, and uncertain as to what he could do about it. She put down her glass and got to her feet.
"You need someone who is a part of that world," she said, smoothing down her skirt and smiling again. "And... judging by what I saw, that time, I suppose you already have someone."
Hikaru blushed, unable to answer, getting to his feet in case that would solve anything. Akari looked up at him, and there were tears in her eyes. Acting on an impulse, he bent over her and kissed her, resting a hand on her arm, afraid to step any closer. She kissed him back, and neither of them moved for a very long time.
"Please don't see me downstairs," she said, stepping back from him and opening the door to the corridor. "I'll see myself out."
He frowned, unsettled by her unhappiness, but nodded, deciding to refrain from wishing her good luck in the tournament.
"Goodbye, Akari," he said, instead.
"Goodbye, Hikaru."
*
That night he couldn't sleep. Akari's words kept churning in his brain: I suppose you already have someone. Why hadn't he told her that he didn't? It would have made her happy. They could start going out again, even. His mother obviously approved, and it would be good for him to do something non-Go-related once in a while.
So why hadn't he? It wasn't because he wanted it to be true, he was fairly certain of that. Admittedly, he didn't know very much about that sort of thing, but what he did know wasn't encouraging: television hosts that looked like hostesses, who flirted with their male visitors and pretended to be best friends with their female ones. Singers with long bleached hair, dresses, and high-pitched voices. Hostesses in bars, that worked as prostitutes on the side. He burrowed against his pillow, sweating in the hot summer night, familiar revulsion rising at the thought of it.
He didn't want that. And he didn't want that for Touya, either. He really liked Touya the way he was, fierce and proud and aggressive.
Sighing, he turned his head and looked at the clock on the bedside table: it was half past one, and he still couldn't sleep. He turned onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
Touya. For what felt like the millionth time, he thought of what they had done together. It had been so good. So good he couldn't deny that he had enjoyed it. Now that the first shock of it was over, he couldn't help but think that it had felt completely right, as though they were supposed to be doing it, just as they were supposed to be playing Go.
It was still too hot, and he couldn't sleep. He sat up, looking at the clock again. Just after two. Leaning forward, he put his head in his hands, trying to think what to do. He didn't want to be one part in a same-sex couple. He didn't want to shock his parents or embarrass his friends. And he didn't want to promise Touya things he might not be able to keep.
So what did he want? He huffed, impatiently, thinking about it. The answer was right there, foremost in his mind: he wasn't sure why he hadn't realised it before.
*
He dressed quietly, and wrote a quick note to his mother that he'd had to leave early and would be back for dinner. Picking up his bag and jacket, he let himself out, and walked quickly through the quiet streets, enjoying the warm night. Trains weren't running at this hour, so he walked until he got to the nearest busy road and got a night bus from there into the city centre. He was the only passenger on the bus, and he sat down near the back, so the driver wouldn't try to engage him in conversation.
Once he got to the bus depot, he looked at a map to find out which bus would bring him closest to Touya's house: there was a half-hour wait, so he sat down, hugging his bag and thinking of nothing in particular. He felt much calmer than the situation strictly warranted, but he had made up his mind.
The journey to Touya's house felt quick, but when he got out of the bus he looked at his watch, and it was already past three. By the time he was at the gate of Touya's house, it was nearly three thirty, and the sky in the east was no longer dark.
He let himself in and walked along the verandah until he found Touya's room. The curtains were drawn, and everything was very silent. He knocked, gently, on the window.
"Touya," he called out, softly. "Touya, wake up, it's me." He knocked again, marvelling at just how silent and dignified this area was; he hoped he wouldn't wake anyone else. After thirty seconds or so, he knocked again.
"Touya?"
There was the sound of a door sliding open, and a dishevelled, messy-haired rival was blinking at him, his eyes small and swollen with sleep.
"Shindou. What on earth-" Touya interrupted himself to yawn, hugely. Hikaru's lips twitched, and he walked up to him, giving him a few more moments in which to wake up. Touya shivered in the night air, rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles. "Shindou," he said again, blinking at him. "What do you want?"
Hikaru reached for him.
"I want to have sex with you," he said.
*
Sex with a Touya who was little more than half awake turned out to be a wonderful thing. His rival's movements were languid and sinuous, his kisses sloppy and clumsy and wet. There was no power struggle, this time: they touched each other as equals.
Touya came first, gasping silently against Hikaru's throat, his arms tight around his back. Hikaru kissed him afterwards and stroked his hair, giving him time to recover. He felt tranquil and restful despite his arousal, and when Touya reached for his erection, he was able to relax into his touches, accepting the rising crest of need without fighting against it. He was aware of Touya's gaze on him, and he couldn't deny the pleasure of it, the secret thrill of knowing himself observed as he came.
They rested in silence, holding each other, until Touya yawned and looked at Hikaru with tired eyes.
"Shindou. Does this mean you will want to have sex with me on a regular basis from now on?"
"Probably."
"I see." He yawned again and hummed, shifting in Hikaru's arms and pressing closer to him. "Goodnight."
*
A hand was stroking his hair. He opened his eyes, to find Touya leaning on an elbow next to him, his free hand playing with Hikaru's fringe.
"I thought it was a dream," he said, when he saw that Hikaru was awake. "But you're here. So it's not."
Hikaru didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing, stretching his arms over his head and yawning, trying to wake up. His eyes were swimming and it was hard to focus: he had had far too little sleep last night.
"What time is it?" he asked, his voice hoarse, and he struggled to sit up.
"Just gone eight."
He grunted, flopping down again, burrowing against Touya, who gasped.
"Think I'm going to skip Morishita's study session today," he mumbled, his eyes feeling as though they were glued together. "Not like I'd get anything out of it, anyway."
"I- I see," Touya said, clearing his throat. He sounded nervous; Hikaru wondered why. "I have a day off, actually, I was planning to focus on my own studies..."
"Well, don't get up yet," Hikaru said. "You're too comfortable." He yawned, tugging Touya's torso to him like a pillow, getting ready for more sleep.
"Shindou!" Touya was so obviously startled that Hikaru glanced up, and his rival cleared his throat again."Shindou. Last night. You want to have sex with me, now?"
"Yeah. Just sex, though. We're not going to be a couple or anything. You wouldn't look good in a dress."
"What?"
Hikaru groaned, annoyed that Touya wanted to have a heart-to-heart right now, when he wanted to sleep.
"Sex," he explained, impatient and drowsy. "Other than that, just friends. I mean, rivals. No cross-dressing."
"Shindou. Get some sleep."
*
When he woke up, he was alone in bed. Still feeling pleasantly drowsy, he got up and headed to the bathroom, in urgent need of a toilet. He relieved himself, yawned, washed his hands and splashed his face, then padded back to the bedroom, to find coffee and Touya.
"Morning," he said, aware that he was naked, and rather pleased about the fact.
"Afternoon," Touya replied, smiling at him, taking off his yukata and sitting down in bed. "I've called Ogata and the others and told them not to come today."
Hikaru sat down next to him, picking up his cup and sipping the coffee: it was too strong, but not to the point where it was undrinkable.
"Are we going to have sex again?" he asked, and Touya nodded. "Oh, good."
"But first, explain to me what you are offering."
"That... that everything is the way it's always been, only that we have sex as well."
"Fine by me."
"Oh. Okay." That was somehow unexpected. He frowned, trying to justify himself. "It's just... I don't want the trappings, you know? I don't want to be the weird couple that everyone gossips about. And stuff like that."
"Shindou. Why would I want anyone to know?" Touya was looking at him oddly.
"Oh. Well, in that case..." He put down the half-drunk cup of coffee, took Touya's out of his hands and put it next to his own, and turned to him. Their eyes met, and they reached for each other. Touya pulled Hikaru closer, falling back onto the mattress, so Hikaru ended up on top of him. Touya wound his arms around Hikaru's shoulders and neck, and they stared at each other for a long time, neither moving or speaking.
His rival's hair had fallen back, onto the mattress, and Hikaru reached up, brushing his fringe out of his face, pleased to discover what he looked like without the frame of hair. Touya's hand moved to rest against the side of Hikaru's face, and they kissed, their eyes open. There was no urgency in any of their actions, it felt like they had time. They luxuriated in it, using hands and lips to map the landscape of each other's bodies, pausing to kiss or simply to look. Orgasm, when it happened, felt like an afterthought, and they didn't stop touching afterwards, though their tempo slowed even more.
"What was that stuff about cross-dressing?" Touya asked, drawing nonsense patterns on Hikaru's arm with his fingertips.
"Huh? Oh. You know, when two men are together one of them plays a woman? I really don't want that. Even if you'd look nice with longer hair."
Touya stared at him, blankly.
"Shindou. I - There may be conventions like that. But you don't have to obey them. We can just be us, it's not like anyone will know anyway."
"Yeah, but I meant," Hikaru said, blushing, "if we were going to be together. You know, like an official couple. Then, I wouldn't want that."
"But we're not going to be an official couple."
"Right, because we're just going to have sex."
"And because sooner or later, we'll have to get married and have children."
Hikaru tensed and frowned, leaning in and nipping the tip of Touya's nose. Touya squinted at him, but did not protest.
"Why are you thinking about that already? You're not seventeen yet."
"A good Go player always thinks as many moves ahead as humanly possible."
"Yeah, but..." Hikaru's frown deepened, and some of the peace he had been feeling left him. "If you get married, the two of us can't have sex any more."
"It won't happen for another ten years, at least."
Hikaru sat up, running a hand through his hair, beginning to get annoyed.
"You go to all this trouble, about being in love with me, and stuff, and then all the time you were planning to get married?"
Touya sat up too, watching him, his gaze travelling slowly over Hikaru's body.
"It's not that I want to get married," he said, reasonably. "I really don't. But I'll have to, because if I don't, I'll disappoint my parents and be responsible for the extinction of our family. I'll need to have children, you know." He paused, stroking a finger down Hikaru's arm. "If the prospect of not having sex with me ten years from now is so upsetting to you, I'll just have to make sure I find a wife who's not particular about her husband's sex life."
"That would be unfair to your wife! And besides..." He flushed, angry and embarrassed, and was silent.
"Shindou?"
"...don't want you to have sex with anyone else."
"Oh." Touya looked away, and Hikaru could see he was trying to hide it, but without success: he was really, really pleased to hear that.
*
The rest of the day was spent having sex and playing Go, though not at the same time. At some point, Hikaru looked at the clock and realised he'd be late for dinner if he didn't hurry, and that his mother would be worried if he was. He got dressed, grabbed his bag, kissed Touya, and ran to the train station. It didn't occur to him until he was half-way home that neither of them seemed to have considered the kiss as anything out of the ordinary.
*
His days didn't change nearly as much as he had expected them to. It was almost as though the momentousness of having sex - and of having sex with someone male, at that - was lost on the world, was obvious only to him. As the weeks passed and nothing happened, no repercussions reared their ugly heads, and no friends ostracised him, it began to dawn that nobody knew, or that if they did, they didn't care. He relaxed, settling into a new routine that was almost indistinguishable from the old one, the only exception being that every so often, Touya was naked and aroused in his arms.
They still met once a week in the Go salon, but after they played, they left together and headed towards Touya's home. It was evidently a bigger contrast than he had realised to the days when their shouting matches had invariably culminated in Hikaru marching out of the salon. One of the customers commented on it, innocently, one evening:
"It's nice to see that the two of you have sorted out your differences," he said, looking down at their game before sitting down at a nearby table to begin his own. "Last week, just as I was arriving, you left together, looking like the best of friends! I don't come here very often, but the last time I did, you were being, well, very passionate about your game."
"They still are," Ichikawa-san said, dryly, putting down cups of tea. "It's just that these days, when they fight, Hikaru-kun stays rather than leaves. I'm not sure it's a good development."
Hikaru grinned, and took advantage of the distraction to play a thoroughly innocent-looking tsugi. Five moves later, he played a hane, then sat back and sipped his tea as Touya gasped. His rival's hand, which had been moving to place a stone, hovered over the board, then pulled back slowly as Touya leaned forward, studying the situation. It was at least three minutes before he sat back, staring at Hikaru.
"You unmitigated bastard," he said. He looked utterly stunned, and Hikaru felt the beginning of a triumphant grin tug at the corners of his mouth. Touya's expression changed, and a slow, delighted smile grew between them.
Touya shook his head and leaned over the board again, checking, the smile still on his face.
"You've left this corner mostly undefended," he said, pointing. "But even if I beat you to a pulp there, you still win."
"By about three or four moku," Hikaru agreed. He didn't say With this, I have caught up to you, because until he was steadily winning one out of every two games, it wasn't official. But this was it. Touya knew it too, he saw it in his face: love, respect, and the tiniest hint of the desire to cause him massive amounts of pain.
"Let's go home to me," Touya said, getting to his feet and beginning to clear the board. Hikaru nodded: victory sex sounded like a good idea.
*
The train was packed, and his rival stood very close to him throughout the journey, facing him, his chest almost touching Hikaru's. It was very hot, and Touya's breath was damp and warm against Hikaru's cheek. The heat from Touya's body on top of the stuffy, heavily-recycled air in the train was overwhelming, and Hikaru closed his eyes, trying to breathe. His rival was almost touching him, was almost pressed tightly against him; every time he swallowed, Hikaru heard it, every time he breathed, Hikaru tensed. Sweat trickling down his back, Hikaru tried not to pant, reflecting that he had never known it was possible to have sex in public, without taking off any clothes, without moving, and without touching.
*
He wondered if he'd ever get used to it. If lips against his mouth, lips around his erection, hands sliding down his back and fingers sliding inside him would ever feel like routine. He hoped not.
"I've thought of something," he said, afterwards, his fingers laced with Touya's and his gaze on the ceiling. His body felt overheated, and damp like he was in a sauna. "You know Go, right?"
"I've heard of it."
"Right, well, you know the way it's thousands of years old? And will be played thousands of years in future?"
"What's your point?"
"Well, do you really need to marry and have children? Your family is all the Go players through time, both past and present. Your Go is your child, your gift to the future."
Touya was silent, and Hikaru turned his head, watching him. His rival was looking thoughtful, and it was some time before he spoke.
"It's possible my parents would accept that. Or my father, at least, and then my mother wouldn't have any objections. But Shindou... what are you offering me in place of a normal family life? You've told me you don't want us to be a couple. Should I forgo marriage and children and just hope you'll keep wanting to have sex with me? Besides, won't your parents expect you to marry, too?"
"They'll expect me to, I'm sure," Hikaru said, dismissively. "But it's not like I ever do what they want me to."
"Well, fine. But it still leaves me subject to your caprices. What if you take it into your head to go out with girls again?"
Hikaru blushed, changing his grip on Touya's hand, holding it tighter. It occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, he had treated Akari rather badly. He'd have to make it up to her, somehow; maybe by setting her up with a friend. Waya, or someone, though setting someone up with Waya might technically not count as a favour.
"We didn't do anything," he protested. "Well, I kissed her a couple of times, but other than that, we just went to see a movie."
"Don't do it again." Touya sounded grumpy.
"I won't," Hikaru said, his mind on the film, and on a particular phrase that had occurred over and over in it. "Hey, Touya?"
"What?"
"It... you've always been ahead of me." He bit his lip, thinking. "Even if I've been running as hard as I could, it took me ages to reach you." He frowned at the ceiling, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back of Touya's hand. "You're ahead of me in this, too. It will take time before I get where you are."
There was the sound of movement, and Touya came into his field of vision, looking down at him.
"You mean, one day it will be more than just rivalry and sex?" he asked, his tone neutral.
"I- yes. Probably. I will get there eventually." He took a deep breath and said it: "Will you wait for me? Please?"
Touya bent down and kissed him, taking his time about it, and their hands stayed tightly locked around each other. After a long time, he pulled back, and Hikaru wondered what he would say. You're already here would be a lie, and We'll move forwards together would avoid the issue. Touya kissed him again, and spoke against his lips.
"Yes."
FIN.
That evening, he laid down flat on his bed, pulled the pillow over his head, and cried. Something had broken, and he wasn't sure what it was, or how to repair it.
He wished he had someone to talk to, but it was like when Sai disappeared: this wasn't something that could be shared with anyone.
*
The following Tuesday, he arrived very early for the scheduled Ooteai matches. Touya would be there, and Hikaru would be able to do something or other that would stop the world from feeling like it was falling apart. He paced the hall restlessly, glancing at the clock every thirty seconds, his heart leaping every time the lift doors pinged and opened.
Touya didn't come. The clock struck ten, the buzzer went off, and Touya wasn't there. Hikaru rushed into the game room and sat down, beginning his match with all his attention on the absent Touya. His opponent was a nice, friendly-looking woman in her forties, someone who was still a 2-dan ten years after getting her pro status, and who ought to have been easy to beat. They were both shocked when Hikaru resigned; but he had played himself into a corner.
It was all Touya's fault. He got to his feet and marched to the office, hovering by the counter. One of the employees, a bespectacled man in his forties, looked up from his paperwork and stubbed out his cigarette.
"Shindou-kun?"
"Do you know where Touya is? He wasn't at the match."
"Hm? Oh, yes. He rang earlier and said he wasn't coming. A stomach bug, I think it was. It's spring, there are a lot of things in the air..."
"Oh. Okay. Thanks."
*
By Thursday afternoon, there had been no message that their usual Go salon meeting was off, so his heart pounded as he ran up the stairs. Finally, he'd see Touya again. And everything would be worked out somehow, and they could go back to being rivals and forget all about the weird stuff and Touya's unforgivable desires. Yes. That was how things were going to go.
He was out of breath as he entered the salon, and looked around eagerly: Touya didn't seem to be there, but then again, Touya was a quiet sort, and he might be lurking in the depths of the salon. Hikaru stretched his neck and tried to peek around corners.
"Shindou-kun!" It was Ichikawa-san, returning to the counter with an empty tea tray. "Touya rang and said to say he's sorry, but he's not coming today..."
"What? Why not?"
"The poor boy has got a headache, apparently. I can't help but feel that his mother is giving him too much leeway. Leaving him to himself while she's off in China, really. He's too young to look after himself..." She looked at him, her expression worried. "And yet he wouldn't let me come and see to him! He's so independent."
"Yeah. Uh. Thanks."
He left, his head bowed. The desire to talk to someone was back, even though he had no idea what he would say if he did have someone he could talk to. Which he didn't. His father? Never home. His mother? Wouldn't understand. Waya? Would laugh at Touya's dirty secret and spread it everywhere. Isumi-san? ...might conceivably work, but for Hikaru's suspicions that maybe, just maybe, Isumi-san was like Touya.
The journey home was too long, and yet when he arrived, he felt too restless to stay in his room. So he wandered around in the quiet residential streets, frowning at the budding flowers and the fresh green grass. There was even a cherry tree somewhere, leaning over the fence, its buds just beginning to swell. Touya had been surrounded by fluttering blossoms, that time, when he'd come to his school...
"Hikaru?"
He turned his head: Akari was watching him, her bag in her hand, looking much more familiar in her school uniform and with her hair pulled back the way it usually was.
"Oh, hi."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's... Why do you think something's wrong?"
"It's just... your face." She looked worried, and Hikaru sighed.
"It's nothing." He wanted to cry. Akari looked at him in silence for what seemed like a long time, and then she stepped up to him, taking his arm.
"Come home with me. Have a drink."
"What? No!"
"Yes. Come along." Hikaru, protesting, was grabbed at and pulled, and they walked the last few steps to her house very quickly. He wondered where this new headstrong Akari had come from, and decided it probably had to do with growing up. It was unsettling.
She got him something to drink, and they sat down in the living room. Akari's mother had smiled at him and greeted him with enthusiasm, but had evidently decided that the best thing to do was to leave them alone: she left to go grocery shopping five minutes after they arrived.
Akari said nothing at all, drinking her juice in silence, her gaze on Hikaru. After several minutes of this, Hikaru sighed and put his glass down.
"It's my friend. The one who confessed to me. I don't know what to do."
Akari nodded, crossed one leg over the other, and remained silent. Hikaru ran his fingers through his hair.
"I really... He's my best friend. In a way. He really matters to me." That ought to explain it, didn't it? But Akari didn't comment. "It's just! He's in love with me! Am I supposed to just accept that?" He was silent for a long time, no longer expecting Akari to say anything, his focus on his own thoughts. "It's disgusting," he added, quietly. "No, not disgusting... It's not disgusting, but it ought to be. Why isn't it?"
Akari took another sip of her drink, her face attentive. She remained silent, but Hikaru felt himself beginning to relax. Akari was all right, really.
"I want things to go back to the way they were."
"Well, they won't." He jumped, not having expected a response, and looked at her in confusion. "He has confessed to you, that's not going to change just because you wish that it would."
Hikaru looked down at his hands. The hands that Touya fantasised about. The hands that had touched him, had made him come... He shivered. Akari shifted in her seat, watching Hikaru with what seemed like a mixture of concern and irritation.
"How does he feel about all this?"
"What? I dunno. I haven't spoken to him about it."
"What? Oh, men." Akari seemed annoyed, and she straightened her back, looking at him with disapproving eyes. "Are you just pretending nothing's happened, is that it?"
"...We seem to be mostly avoiding one another." Akari blinked, her mouth opening in horror.
"Hikaru. He's your friend. You care about him. You can't just let things slide. Do you really want to lose him?"
*
"Mother?"
"Hikaru? Welcome home."
"Yeah, ah. I'm actually not home. Just dropping in to say I won't be back for a while. I'm going over to Touya's."
"But it's already quite late. Hadn't it better wait until tomorrow?"
"Nah, it's important. I... I might stay over, if it gets late, so don't wait up, okay?"
*
Touya's house seemed dark and unwelcoming, but Hikaru spotted light coming from the area of the house where he knew Touya's bedroom was located. He simultaneously rang the doorbell, knocked the door, and called out, ignoring what Ichikawa-san had said about the headache. It was just an excuse, anyway.
Several minutes passed, and Hikaru was about to pound the door again and shout threats regarding the general flimsiness of the building materials that went into traditional Japanese houses, when the door opened and Touya looked out at him.
"...Oh. Hi." Words were suddenly very hard to get out; he was generally better at the shouting end of things.
"What do you want?"
"Uh. To sort things out. I think."
"I've still got the tail end of a bout of flu. Can't it wait?" Touya's eyes were red-rimmed, and he seemed tired.
"Can I come in? Just for a bit."
His rival shrugged, nodded, and stepped back, letting him inside. Whatever had propelled Hikaru through the streets and across the city was suddenly gone, and he felt unusually empty of initiative. He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at the floor. There was an idea, he could take off his shoes. He bent to do so, untying the laces on his shoes.
"Shindou, if you have something to say, can't you just say it?"
"I don't know what to say," Hikaru protested, kicking his shoes off and stepping up to his rival. "Hey, should I touch you?"
Touya stiffened, and folded his arms across his chest.
"I'm not really in the mood."
"What? You want that. You said so."
"...Yes. But if I have to pay for it by having you act like a total arse, then I prefer to go without."
Hikaru hesitated, and put a very tentative hand on Touya's arm.
"I didn't mean to," he said, "It just sort of happened." Touya unfolded his arms and let them hang by his side. Hikaru wasn't sure if it was an implicit invitation or not, but he stepped closer, tugging him into a hug. Touya remained passive, letting Hikaru hug him, neither returning the embrace or resisting it. "It's just... all this isn't easy for me."
"Do you think it's easy for me?"
Something in his voice gave Hikaru pause, and he lifted his head, looking carefully at Touya's face. His rival looked as though he was on the verge of tears, his expression one of absolute misery. Hikaru gasped, and pulled him closer, hugging him hard.
"I'm so sorry," he said, urgently. "I'm really, really sorry." He had never paused to consider what it would feel like, falling in love with your best frie- your rival, confessing to him, and to have him react... well, like Hikaru had reacted. His hands went to Touya's hair, and he stroked it, leaning his face against Touya's and closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Touya. Forgive me, please." Nothing happened for a few seconds. Then two arms moved around Hikaru's waist, hugging him, and Hikaru breathed again. He didn't know what else to say, so he remained silent for a long time, his arms firm around Touya. It felt good to hold him.
"When Sai disappeared," he began, eventually, "I had a lot of regrets, and things I wished I'd done differently." His thumb rubbed small circles along Touya's skull, the other's hair smooth and soft to the touch. "I don't want to end up feeling like that with you. Is there something I can do to fix things?"
There was silence again, but there was tension in Touya's body that hadn't been there before. His rival lifted his head and looked at him, meeting his eyes. Hikaru blinked. He knew this expression, it was the way Touya always looked when he began a match: determined, ruthless, utterly focused.
"Shindou. You really want to make up for it? In that case, let me touch you."
*
He was getting hard even before he got all his clothes off. Trying to distract himself from what was happening, he looked around, focusing on his surroundings. Touya's room was lit by one small desk lamp as well as the computer monitor, and as Hikaru undressed, his rival got out the futon, which was a pale yellow. The room was very warm: perhaps Touya had been telling the truth, and he really had been ill. A half-empty pack of tissues, a few mysterious medicinal bottles, and a bin full of discarded tissues and throat lozenge packages seemed to bear up his rival's story.
"Lie down on your stomach when you're naked." Touya stepped away from the bed, beginning to undress. Hikaru swallowed, pulling off his socks and draping them over the desk chair, glancing at the computer to see what he had been working on. A long row of Chinese numerals met his eye: kifu, then. There seemed to be several windows open, though Hikaru didn't really understand how that worked. Opening his belt, he bent down to read what they said: Judan Tournament Schedule, Honinbo Jowa vs. Intetsu Akaboshi, Sex Tips For Men. Hikaru blushed, wondering if any of them would be used on him.
He got naked very quickly after that, and moved to lie down without looking at Touya. He felt self-conscious enough as it was: it would be uncomfortable to know himself inspected. Lying down on his stomach, he closed his eyes and tried not to hyperventilate. There was the rustle of clothes being removed, then there was the sound of a drawer opening and closing, footsteps, the sound of something being put down on the futon, and then Touya's hands were on his back. Hikaru tensed.
"This time round, I'm the one who doesn't want to be touched," Touya said, his hands gliding rapidly up and down along Hikaru's back. "Lie still. Be passive. Let me touch you."
"I already said I would," Hikaru whispered, trying to ignore the ache between his legs. There was a kiss: lips pressing hard against the point where his back met his neck. Touya's hair tickled his shoulders, and he shivered.
It was very different from the time Hikaru had been in charge. Touya's hands moved quickly, hungrily, seemingly trying to cover as much of Hikaru's body as fast as he could, as though he were afraid Hikaru would change his mind, or protest. His hands slid over Hikaru's back and arms, and he kept kissing him: all along his spine, his neck, even his elbows. Everything was happening too fast, and the sensations were confusing, too many and too overwhelming. Touya's hands slid down Hikaru's sides, and then moved to his buttocks, grasping them both, kneading hard at them. Hikaru yelped and buried his face in a pillow, feeling his skin burn with mortification.
"It seems I made an ear-reddening move," Touya whispered, his hands rolling naked flesh.
"This- this is not the moment to make a damn Go joke," Hikaru gasped.
"Turn over."
Hikaru obeyed, acutely conscious of his erection, and closed his eyes once he was flat on his back. Touya kissed his chest right between the nipples, and his hands moved to stroke Hikaru's sides and stomach, with the same eagerness as before. Hikaru twitched, uneasy with the high tempo and with the unpredictability of what was happening. Touya was too close, everything was too hot, and he was far too aroused. He blushed again, rubbing hard at his face with both hands, feeling his own body arch up against Touya's lips. He could no longer think clearly, but since events were outside his control anyway, it didn't seem to matter much.
"Stand on all fours," Touya said, and Hikaru, confused, looked up to see him opening a condom.
"Wh- You're not going to..?"
"No. I'm not. Move."
It was harder to obey, this time: his arms were trembling with tension, and it seemed ridiculously hard to keep his balance. Panting hard, he could feel sweat pricking his forehead and trickling from his armpits, his cheeks glowing with heat.
A slick finger touched him there. He gasped in horror and froze as it slid inside him, the sensation neither pleasant nor painful. He would have protested, had it not been for the sudden presence of a warm hand around his erection. His brain, never his most reliable organ, ground to a halt, and he keened, unable to think, unable to process, unable to understand.
And then the hands started moving. His elbows gave out, and he rested his arms and face against the mattress, as the fast, harsh rhythm took over the entire universe and demanded his complete attention. Without needing to think about it, he moved his knees further apart, tilting his pelvis back, making it easier for Touya's finger to penetrate him. He had never felt this hot in his life, nor as aroused, and he came with a helpless squeak, biting down on the bedclothes so he wouldn't make any more embarrassing noises.
As soon as Touya had pulled his finger out, Hikaru laid down, stretching out and trying to catch his breath. There was the sound of the bin being pulled closer, and then something dropped into it: the condom, presumably. Hikaru's insides were feeling odd: ticklish, or tingly, as though nerve endings that had never before known they existed suddenly felt the need to make themselves known.
"That was nice," he admitted, to the mattress.
"It's not over. Turn around."
"What? But..."
"You have come. That's all. It's not over."
"But..."
"Shindou. Turn around."
With an impatient huff, Hikaru did, lying down on his back. Touya was kneeling on the bed, his eyes hard and his expression determined. He was aroused, and his skin glistened in the cold light from the monitor. He was nice to look at, Hikaru decided. Beautiful, even.
"What are you going to do now?" he asked.
"Touch you."
Touya bent over him, his face suddenly very close to Hikaru's own. He thought for a moment the other was going to kiss him, but then Touya's face went lower, aiming for his neck. Hikaru's eyes closed as Touya's hair covered his face, and he grunted softly at the feeling of a tongue and lips working their way from his ear down along his neck. It felt good. Really good, better than anything had any right to feel.
Despite the injunction against touching him, Hikaru bent an arm and rested his hand on Touya's shoulder. It felt necessary, like a way of anchoring himself. And Touya didn't seem to mind, the licks and kisses went on unabated.
Then Touya bit him. Hikaru gasped, pressing the back of his head into the mattress, his hand clutching hard at Touya's shoulder. He knew - knew in his bones - that if he asked him to stop, Touya would. But doing so would somehow be a terrible thing to do. The bite gradually increased in strength, going from slightly to moderately painful, and from there into something that made Hikaru's body tense and shiver and send sparks of lust directly into his groin. He moaned, and Touya lifted his head, looking down into his face. Then he kissed him, a hard clumsy wet kiss that Hikaru returned before he had time to think about what he was doing.
While the kiss was still happening, Touya's hands went to his chest, stroking it. Hikaru grunted and moved his hand to rest against the back of his rival's head, hoping to stabilise things, to stop himself from getting overwhelmed again. Touya seemed to take that as encouragement, and he laid down on top of him. The considerable shock of so much naked skin pressing heavily against his own made Hikaru break the kiss, and he turned his head to the side, gasping for air.
"I -" he panted, but he had no idea what he was trying to say, and so he clung to Touya's shoulders with both hands instead. His rival bent down low again, beginning to kiss and lick the hitherto untouched side of Hikaru's neck. Touya was so warm against him, and so silky smooth, and so very very naked: Hikaru moaned, pressing up against him, appalled that anything so wrong could feel so good.
"Please," he whispered, turning his head and trying to get eye contact. "Please, Touya."
It seemed Touya had been waiting for something like that, even though Hikaru had no idea what he had just asked for. Touya lifted his head and stared down into his face. Even had he not felt his rival's erection against him, Hikaru would have been able to tell that he was aroused: his cheeks were flushed and his eyes seemed very dark, the pupils so dilated that they covered almost the entire iris. He was hideously attractive.
"You're aroused again." Touya's voice seemed huskier than normal, and the sound of it sent a shiver along Hikaru's spine.
"I know." He tried to speak with spirit, maybe even asperity, but it came out sounding rather innocent and helpless. He was used to dealing with Touya's aggression on a Go board, but this was different. Intimidating, frightening and deeply, deeply thrilling. He slid his palms along Touya's back, horribly aware of the fact that they were both aroused, and both naked, together. He closed his eyes and tensed as a surge of arousal went through him, and then Touya moved, lifting himself off Hikaru and scooting down the mattress.
"What are you -" Hikaru began, his voice ending on a gasp as his erection was encased by slick, wet heat. Everything seemed to stop, or maybe time just slowed down: Hikaru's body was frozen in an arch, his face set in a rictus of horrified lust, his hands tightly fisted in the bedlinen. This couldn't be happening, it wasn't possible that Touya, his rival and friend, was doing what it felt like he was doing. He didn't dare look down: getting a confirmation would be too shocking, and as long as he didn't check, he could believe this was just the result of sensory overload, that all that was really happening was that Touya had wrapped a lubricated palm around him. Or that his brain was confused due to lack of oxygen: he seemed to have forgotten to breathe quite some time ago.
Then Touya licked him, and Hikaru threw his head back, screaming his rival's name as he came.
When it was over, he sank back, relieved and exhausted and very determined not to think. He felt dizzy, but not, he realised, nauseous. Or revolted. He ought to feel revolted.
Something warm dripped onto his skin. He opened his eyes to find Touya kneeling next to him, both hands around his erection and his head thrown so far back Hikaru couldn't see his expression. He looked wild and desperate and beautiful and only the tiniest bit absurd. As Hikaru watched, he hissed and lifted his head, looking down at the droplets of come as they fell onto Hikaru's body, his face blank with desire. When his orgasm was over, Touya reached out and smeared his come over Hikaru's stomach, the touch of his fingertips light and delicate. Hikaru forced himself not to tremble.
His rival laid down next to him, draping an arm across his chest and resting his head on Hikaru's shoulder. They were both silent for a while, busying themselves with the matter of catching their breath and getting their heartbeats back to a normal pace. Hikaru, not allowing himself to think about what he was doing, put his hand over Touya's, keeping his arm in place. After some contemplation, he also slid an arm around Touya's shoulders, to make sure he didn't go anywhere.
"Are you still angry with me?" he asked, his voice very soft.
"No. Just don't do it again."
"I won't." He relaxed, moving his fingers over the back of Touya's hand, his gaze on the ceiling. His backside was inclined to draw attention to itself, his neck was smarting, and Touya's come was drying on his skin - his rival hadn't been exactly subtle about things. But that was all right. "We're rivals," he said, content. "I'm yours and you are mine."
"Yes."
They were silent again, but it was a comfortable silence, and Hikaru couldn't quite bring himself to worry about anything much.
*
When he woke up, the clock on Touya's desk claimed the time was 03:24. He blinked in the harsh light from the desk lamp, relieved that the computer at least seemed to have turned itself off. Touya was still where he had been: draped along Hikaru's side, one arm over his chest. It was pleasant, though stifling hot.
It had felt good. He looked up at the ceiling and thought about it, but it was hard to concentrate because his body kept wanting to respond. And a small part of his mind was trying to make him panic, but he pushed that impulse away: he had already hurt Touya with his reactions once, and he wasn't going to do so again. Whatever else happened.
Sighing, he patted Touya's hand and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep.
*
Movement woke him up, and he lifted his head, watching Touya head towards the door.
"Where're you going?" he asked, muzzily, feeling a bit unfairly treated. Touya glanced over his shoulder at him.
"I just need the toilet."
"Oh."
Touya vanished, and Hikaru laid back, grunting and rubbing at his face. It was morning: warm sunlight was filling the room. He was sweaty and tired and bits of him were aching. Sitting up, he yawned, hugging his knees and realising that he, too, rather needed the toilet. And a shower. A very long shower that involved a lot of soap: he felt sticky.
The sound of the door sliding open made him look up: Touya had returned, and he was naked. Hikaru blinked and looked away.
"Sorry I woke you up," Touya said, returning to bed and lying down next to Hikaru.
"'s okay," Hikaru yawned, stretching. "It's morning."
He got to his feet, steadying himself against Touya's desk for balance, and picked up his clothes.
"I'll go and have a shower," he said, "I need it."
Touya nodded, watching him with something that looked like wariness, but Hikaru couldn't think about that just yet. He wandered into the bathroom, relieved himself, and showered. The feeling of warm water and soap was delightful, and by the time he had washed himself, he was fully awake. He dressed and exited the bathroom, following smells into the kitchen, where coffee and toast was happening. Touya, by now decently wrapped in a yukata, glanced up.
"I'll have a shower as well. Help yourself to breakfast."
"Thanks."
Hikaru sat down as Touya left the room, picking a slice of toast from the toaster, eating it plain rather than indulge in any of the suspicious-looking condiments on the table. He ate slowly, looking out of the window and reflecting that they probably ought to talk about it. But he didn't know what to say, he was fairly convinced Touya didn't either, and he had a preliminary match for the Ouza league today, anyway.
*
He felt at peace with the world when he walked home from the station that night. The weather was balmy, there had been a bracing squabble with Waya over lunch, and despite his opponent's peculiar habit of staring at him, he had won the prelim. Rolling his shoulders and sighing in contentment, it occurred to him he should probably thank Akari. He was just by her house anyway, it wouldn't be any trouble.
Following that impulse, he rang the doorbell and smiled at her when she opened.
"Hikaru!"
"Just wanted to say thanks," he said, rather pleased with himself for this thoughtfulness. "I think I've sorted it out, now."
"Oh, Hikaru, that's won-" Akari stopped abruptly, and her eyes widened. Hikaru blinked, surprised at the reaction, his confusion deepening as Akari's face gradually grew a deep red.
"What? What is it?"
"Hikaru..." She lifted both hands to her mouth, evidently utterly embarrassed. "Hikaru, have you looked in the mirror lately?"
"Huh?" Elbowing his way past her, he stepped into the Fujisaki hallway, walking up to the mirror. Akari squeaked in horror, both hands still in front of her mouth, her body crouched over in something that looked like abject apology.
There was a bruise on his throat: the mark was uneven, with a pattern of dark purple dots against a background of dark red: Touya's teeth were imprinted on him, looking like a particularly shameless pearl necklace.
"I'm going to kill him," he breathed, and Akari turned and ran up the stairs.
*
He let himself out and closed the door behind him. Pulling his collar up as high as it would go, he marched through the streets, reflecting that that had been visible all day. It explained why his opponent had kept staring at him, at any rate. But Waya hadn't said anything... then again, Waya didn't notice things even when they were right under his nose, which was one of the reasons why he still had a long way to go as a Go player.
But it didn't mean that everyone knew. All anyone could tell - well, anyone other than Akari - was that someone had bitten him. They couldn't tell that the person who had done it was male. Heart pumping hard, he let himself in, called out that he was home, and escaped to his room before his mother had time to come out of the kitchen. Dinner that night was eaten whilst wearing a high-necked sweater.
*
At bedtime, he turned out the lights and undressed slowly, taking each garment off with ceremony, stripping down to his skin before he looked at himself in the mirror again. The bruise stood out very clearly against his neck, even in the dark room. He brushed his fingers over it, wincing at the slight pain. Touya had marked him. It felt almost like Touya had tried to mark him as his property.
But that was how it had always been, wasn't it? Touya was his, and he was Touya's.
He went to bed, pulling the bedclothes over himself and closing his eyes, allowing himself to dwell on what had happened. Touya had touched him everywhere, had made him come, had kissed him. And it had felt good.
Sliding his hands over what parts of his body that he could reach, he mimicked yesterday's touches. Touya. Touya of the fierce eyes, the volatile temper, the soft lips. He reached down, beginning to masturbate, replaying last night's events over and over in his mind until he came, biting his hand so he wouldn't make a noise.
Afterwards, he laid still, relishing the glow of pleasure in his body and wondering when Touya would touch him again.
*
It turned out he did not. The weeks passed, the bruise faded, and life returned to normal. They met once a week in the Go salon. Touya always seemed genuinely pleased to see him, and as prepared as always to berate him for stupid mistakes, point out his failures, and shout at him. It was comfortable, in an odd way: a kind of reassurance that no, his rival really wasn't about to turn up wearing a skirt and a simper.
Yet Hikaru was aware of his own mounting frustration. Not that they had ever spent much time alone together, but now they never seemed to be without the company of other people at all. Touya himself was too busy to see him more than once a week. The Touya home had become the meeting place of Ogata's informal Go sessions, so visiting him was out. And the clientele at the Go salon seemed disinclined to stop hovering around the salon's two unofficial mascots, effectively stopping any serious conversations they might have had over the Go board.
And Touya seemed fine with this state of affairs. He was relaxed, his smiles were becoming frequent, and Hikaru gradually came to realise that Touya was happy, happier than he had been in his life. It was hard to understand: how could he be, when he was in love with someone who wasn't in love with him back? When the touching he yearned for wasn't happening?
It took him a long time to work it out, but in the end, he did. It happened one day in the Go salon. They had been playing for some hours, when Touya paused at an odd moment. Hikaru glanced up to find him staring at his lips, looking rather dazed.
"Touyaaa," Hikaru muttered, kicking him under the table, "you're staring at me. Snap out of it."
Touya jolted back into awareness of the present, and laughed. It was a nice sound; Hikaru didn't think he'd ever heard it before.
"Sorry," he said, a faint blush in his cheeks. He played his hand, smiling in a rather bashful way, seemingly entirely at ease.
"Idiot."
"Yeah. Your turn."
Hikaru played, then sat back and watched Touya, puzzled. He seemed so calm, as though his attraction to Hikaru was a laughing matter, something that neither of them needed to take seriously. He blinked, realisation dawning that that was precisely what it was, from Touya's perspective: Touya had confessed to him, and after a few bumps in the road, his feelings had been acknowledged as valid. Hikaru knew, Hikaru understood, and Hikaru accepted, therefore Touya could go back to getting on with the important things in life, i.e. playing Go, secure in the knowledge that everything was fine. As far as Touya was concerned, the matter was settled, the whole incident over and done with.
It ought to have been a source of relief, Hikaru realised, horrified. It ought to be something to be profoundly grateful for.
It very definitely ought not to feel like he'd been kicked repeatedly in the stomach.
*
The next few weeks, he threw himself into his Go, harder than ever before. He won all his Ooteai matches and was made a 3-dan, but the fact barely registered. Playing his way through all the league preliminaries demanded most of his concentration, and his hard work paid off: by the time summer rolled around, he had made it into four different leagues, sharing three of them with Touya. In addition to Morishita-sensei's study sessions, he started attending the rather coquettish ones that Ogata ran: they weren't formal sessions, but he learned from them all the same, playing as many high-level dans as he could.
He grew stronger. Touya was still ahead of him, but not by much: Hikaru was now winning one game in every three. Touya seemed delighted at the development, and responded by stepping up his own pace. They had begun their race in earnest, Hikaru realised, they were hurtling down the road towards the Hand of God.
*
"Hikaru? You have a visitor!"
He sat up, rubbing his eyes and stretching before getting to his feet, heading downstairs, his mind full of Go. Akari was standing in the door, looking uncertain; his mother was smiling at him.
"Akari? What do you want?" he asked, ignoring his mother's admonishing Hikaru! in favour of getting his facial expression under control. The last time he had seen her... Judging by Akari's blush, she was remembering too, but she smiled at him, brightly.
"I was hoping you'd play a game of shidougo with me," she said. "Our club is taking part in a tournament tomorrow."
"Huh? Oh, okay. Come upstairs." He turned, walking up to his room again, and his mother called out she'd bring them something to drink. She sounded triumphant, or encouraging, or something. He sat down and picked the stones off the board, putting them back in their bowls.
"Were you working?" Akari asked, sitting down opposite him.
"Just recreating the kifu of Honinbo Chihaku," Hikaru said, pushing the bowl with the black stones over towards Akari. "I could have beaten him easily, but he died when he was twenty-three, so it's not like he had time to get very good. Put down as many stones as you like."
Akari nodded and put down eighteen stones, and they began to play, the silence interrupted only by his mother, who brought them iced tea. Akari smiled and thanked her, and they went back to their game.
She seemed to be playing him seriously. It took a little while before this registered, but when it did, he felt at a loss. Keeping his face carefully impassive, he played her gently, edging away from her more extreme mistakes, letting her take the occasional stone. It was a difficult balance: he couldn't make any moves that were too obviously bad, or she would see through him, but he felt too sorry for her, or too guilty, to finish the game quickly.
They played all the way to the end, and Akari bent over the board, counting eagerly. Hikaru already knew: he'd won by two moku. It had been quite a feat to win by so little.
After a few minutes of counting, Akari's face fell, and she sat back, giving him an unhappy smile.
"I couldn't beat you, even with as big a handicap as that," she said. "You really are incredible, Hikaru."
He shrugged, awkwardly, beginning to clear the board. Akari reached for her drink and took a sip.
"It's what I do for a living," Hikaru said, as though trying to excuse himself. Akari nodded.
"You and Touya," she agreed. "Weekly Go keeps talking of your rivalry, and the way the two of you are the best players under twenty-five."
He shrugged, not looking at her, taking his glass and drinking to give himself something to do. Akari was still watching him; he felt the weight of her gaze.
"It was him, wasn't it?" she added, quietly. "Who kissed you?"
He stilled, his gaze on the empty board. It wasn't any of Akari's business, but... she had been kind, or tried to be. He nodded. Akari made a sound of acknowledgement.
"Hikaru," she added, "You really, really care about Go, don't you?"
Surprised, he looked up. Her expression was oddly sad.
"Of course I do!" he exclaimed. "Go is my life."
She nodded, finishing her drink.
"It really is another world, isn't it?" she said, quietly. "I promised myself that if I could beat you -" She shook her head, interrupting herself with a shaky smile. "But of course I couldn't, I could never beat a pro. I can't even begin to understand what your world is like, Hikaru."
He stayed silent, confused by how devastated she seemed, and uncertain as to what he could do about it. She put down her glass and got to her feet.
"You need someone who is a part of that world," she said, smoothing down her skirt and smiling again. "And... judging by what I saw, that time, I suppose you already have someone."
Hikaru blushed, unable to answer, getting to his feet in case that would solve anything. Akari looked up at him, and there were tears in her eyes. Acting on an impulse, he bent over her and kissed her, resting a hand on her arm, afraid to step any closer. She kissed him back, and neither of them moved for a very long time.
"Please don't see me downstairs," she said, stepping back from him and opening the door to the corridor. "I'll see myself out."
He frowned, unsettled by her unhappiness, but nodded, deciding to refrain from wishing her good luck in the tournament.
"Goodbye, Akari," he said, instead.
"Goodbye, Hikaru."
*
That night he couldn't sleep. Akari's words kept churning in his brain: I suppose you already have someone. Why hadn't he told her that he didn't? It would have made her happy. They could start going out again, even. His mother obviously approved, and it would be good for him to do something non-Go-related once in a while.
So why hadn't he? It wasn't because he wanted it to be true, he was fairly certain of that. Admittedly, he didn't know very much about that sort of thing, but what he did know wasn't encouraging: television hosts that looked like hostesses, who flirted with their male visitors and pretended to be best friends with their female ones. Singers with long bleached hair, dresses, and high-pitched voices. Hostesses in bars, that worked as prostitutes on the side. He burrowed against his pillow, sweating in the hot summer night, familiar revulsion rising at the thought of it.
He didn't want that. And he didn't want that for Touya, either. He really liked Touya the way he was, fierce and proud and aggressive.
Sighing, he turned his head and looked at the clock on the bedside table: it was half past one, and he still couldn't sleep. He turned onto his back, staring at the ceiling.
Touya. For what felt like the millionth time, he thought of what they had done together. It had been so good. So good he couldn't deny that he had enjoyed it. Now that the first shock of it was over, he couldn't help but think that it had felt completely right, as though they were supposed to be doing it, just as they were supposed to be playing Go.
It was still too hot, and he couldn't sleep. He sat up, looking at the clock again. Just after two. Leaning forward, he put his head in his hands, trying to think what to do. He didn't want to be one part in a same-sex couple. He didn't want to shock his parents or embarrass his friends. And he didn't want to promise Touya things he might not be able to keep.
So what did he want? He huffed, impatiently, thinking about it. The answer was right there, foremost in his mind: he wasn't sure why he hadn't realised it before.
*
He dressed quietly, and wrote a quick note to his mother that he'd had to leave early and would be back for dinner. Picking up his bag and jacket, he let himself out, and walked quickly through the quiet streets, enjoying the warm night. Trains weren't running at this hour, so he walked until he got to the nearest busy road and got a night bus from there into the city centre. He was the only passenger on the bus, and he sat down near the back, so the driver wouldn't try to engage him in conversation.
Once he got to the bus depot, he looked at a map to find out which bus would bring him closest to Touya's house: there was a half-hour wait, so he sat down, hugging his bag and thinking of nothing in particular. He felt much calmer than the situation strictly warranted, but he had made up his mind.
The journey to Touya's house felt quick, but when he got out of the bus he looked at his watch, and it was already past three. By the time he was at the gate of Touya's house, it was nearly three thirty, and the sky in the east was no longer dark.
He let himself in and walked along the verandah until he found Touya's room. The curtains were drawn, and everything was very silent. He knocked, gently, on the window.
"Touya," he called out, softly. "Touya, wake up, it's me." He knocked again, marvelling at just how silent and dignified this area was; he hoped he wouldn't wake anyone else. After thirty seconds or so, he knocked again.
"Touya?"
There was the sound of a door sliding open, and a dishevelled, messy-haired rival was blinking at him, his eyes small and swollen with sleep.
"Shindou. What on earth-" Touya interrupted himself to yawn, hugely. Hikaru's lips twitched, and he walked up to him, giving him a few more moments in which to wake up. Touya shivered in the night air, rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles. "Shindou," he said again, blinking at him. "What do you want?"
Hikaru reached for him.
"I want to have sex with you," he said.
*
Sex with a Touya who was little more than half awake turned out to be a wonderful thing. His rival's movements were languid and sinuous, his kisses sloppy and clumsy and wet. There was no power struggle, this time: they touched each other as equals.
Touya came first, gasping silently against Hikaru's throat, his arms tight around his back. Hikaru kissed him afterwards and stroked his hair, giving him time to recover. He felt tranquil and restful despite his arousal, and when Touya reached for his erection, he was able to relax into his touches, accepting the rising crest of need without fighting against it. He was aware of Touya's gaze on him, and he couldn't deny the pleasure of it, the secret thrill of knowing himself observed as he came.
They rested in silence, holding each other, until Touya yawned and looked at Hikaru with tired eyes.
"Shindou. Does this mean you will want to have sex with me on a regular basis from now on?"
"Probably."
"I see." He yawned again and hummed, shifting in Hikaru's arms and pressing closer to him. "Goodnight."
*
A hand was stroking his hair. He opened his eyes, to find Touya leaning on an elbow next to him, his free hand playing with Hikaru's fringe.
"I thought it was a dream," he said, when he saw that Hikaru was awake. "But you're here. So it's not."
Hikaru didn't know what to say to that, so he said nothing, stretching his arms over his head and yawning, trying to wake up. His eyes were swimming and it was hard to focus: he had had far too little sleep last night.
"What time is it?" he asked, his voice hoarse, and he struggled to sit up.
"Just gone eight."
He grunted, flopping down again, burrowing against Touya, who gasped.
"Think I'm going to skip Morishita's study session today," he mumbled, his eyes feeling as though they were glued together. "Not like I'd get anything out of it, anyway."
"I- I see," Touya said, clearing his throat. He sounded nervous; Hikaru wondered why. "I have a day off, actually, I was planning to focus on my own studies..."
"Well, don't get up yet," Hikaru said. "You're too comfortable." He yawned, tugging Touya's torso to him like a pillow, getting ready for more sleep.
"Shindou!" Touya was so obviously startled that Hikaru glanced up, and his rival cleared his throat again."Shindou. Last night. You want to have sex with me, now?"
"Yeah. Just sex, though. We're not going to be a couple or anything. You wouldn't look good in a dress."
"What?"
Hikaru groaned, annoyed that Touya wanted to have a heart-to-heart right now, when he wanted to sleep.
"Sex," he explained, impatient and drowsy. "Other than that, just friends. I mean, rivals. No cross-dressing."
"Shindou. Get some sleep."
*
When he woke up, he was alone in bed. Still feeling pleasantly drowsy, he got up and headed to the bathroom, in urgent need of a toilet. He relieved himself, yawned, washed his hands and splashed his face, then padded back to the bedroom, to find coffee and Touya.
"Morning," he said, aware that he was naked, and rather pleased about the fact.
"Afternoon," Touya replied, smiling at him, taking off his yukata and sitting down in bed. "I've called Ogata and the others and told them not to come today."
Hikaru sat down next to him, picking up his cup and sipping the coffee: it was too strong, but not to the point where it was undrinkable.
"Are we going to have sex again?" he asked, and Touya nodded. "Oh, good."
"But first, explain to me what you are offering."
"That... that everything is the way it's always been, only that we have sex as well."
"Fine by me."
"Oh. Okay." That was somehow unexpected. He frowned, trying to justify himself. "It's just... I don't want the trappings, you know? I don't want to be the weird couple that everyone gossips about. And stuff like that."
"Shindou. Why would I want anyone to know?" Touya was looking at him oddly.
"Oh. Well, in that case..." He put down the half-drunk cup of coffee, took Touya's out of his hands and put it next to his own, and turned to him. Their eyes met, and they reached for each other. Touya pulled Hikaru closer, falling back onto the mattress, so Hikaru ended up on top of him. Touya wound his arms around Hikaru's shoulders and neck, and they stared at each other for a long time, neither moving or speaking.
His rival's hair had fallen back, onto the mattress, and Hikaru reached up, brushing his fringe out of his face, pleased to discover what he looked like without the frame of hair. Touya's hand moved to rest against the side of Hikaru's face, and they kissed, their eyes open. There was no urgency in any of their actions, it felt like they had time. They luxuriated in it, using hands and lips to map the landscape of each other's bodies, pausing to kiss or simply to look. Orgasm, when it happened, felt like an afterthought, and they didn't stop touching afterwards, though their tempo slowed even more.
"What was that stuff about cross-dressing?" Touya asked, drawing nonsense patterns on Hikaru's arm with his fingertips.
"Huh? Oh. You know, when two men are together one of them plays a woman? I really don't want that. Even if you'd look nice with longer hair."
Touya stared at him, blankly.
"Shindou. I - There may be conventions like that. But you don't have to obey them. We can just be us, it's not like anyone will know anyway."
"Yeah, but I meant," Hikaru said, blushing, "if we were going to be together. You know, like an official couple. Then, I wouldn't want that."
"But we're not going to be an official couple."
"Right, because we're just going to have sex."
"And because sooner or later, we'll have to get married and have children."
Hikaru tensed and frowned, leaning in and nipping the tip of Touya's nose. Touya squinted at him, but did not protest.
"Why are you thinking about that already? You're not seventeen yet."
"A good Go player always thinks as many moves ahead as humanly possible."
"Yeah, but..." Hikaru's frown deepened, and some of the peace he had been feeling left him. "If you get married, the two of us can't have sex any more."
"It won't happen for another ten years, at least."
Hikaru sat up, running a hand through his hair, beginning to get annoyed.
"You go to all this trouble, about being in love with me, and stuff, and then all the time you were planning to get married?"
Touya sat up too, watching him, his gaze travelling slowly over Hikaru's body.
"It's not that I want to get married," he said, reasonably. "I really don't. But I'll have to, because if I don't, I'll disappoint my parents and be responsible for the extinction of our family. I'll need to have children, you know." He paused, stroking a finger down Hikaru's arm. "If the prospect of not having sex with me ten years from now is so upsetting to you, I'll just have to make sure I find a wife who's not particular about her husband's sex life."
"That would be unfair to your wife! And besides..." He flushed, angry and embarrassed, and was silent.
"Shindou?"
"...don't want you to have sex with anyone else."
"Oh." Touya looked away, and Hikaru could see he was trying to hide it, but without success: he was really, really pleased to hear that.
*
The rest of the day was spent having sex and playing Go, though not at the same time. At some point, Hikaru looked at the clock and realised he'd be late for dinner if he didn't hurry, and that his mother would be worried if he was. He got dressed, grabbed his bag, kissed Touya, and ran to the train station. It didn't occur to him until he was half-way home that neither of them seemed to have considered the kiss as anything out of the ordinary.
*
His days didn't change nearly as much as he had expected them to. It was almost as though the momentousness of having sex - and of having sex with someone male, at that - was lost on the world, was obvious only to him. As the weeks passed and nothing happened, no repercussions reared their ugly heads, and no friends ostracised him, it began to dawn that nobody knew, or that if they did, they didn't care. He relaxed, settling into a new routine that was almost indistinguishable from the old one, the only exception being that every so often, Touya was naked and aroused in his arms.
They still met once a week in the Go salon, but after they played, they left together and headed towards Touya's home. It was evidently a bigger contrast than he had realised to the days when their shouting matches had invariably culminated in Hikaru marching out of the salon. One of the customers commented on it, innocently, one evening:
"It's nice to see that the two of you have sorted out your differences," he said, looking down at their game before sitting down at a nearby table to begin his own. "Last week, just as I was arriving, you left together, looking like the best of friends! I don't come here very often, but the last time I did, you were being, well, very passionate about your game."
"They still are," Ichikawa-san said, dryly, putting down cups of tea. "It's just that these days, when they fight, Hikaru-kun stays rather than leaves. I'm not sure it's a good development."
Hikaru grinned, and took advantage of the distraction to play a thoroughly innocent-looking tsugi. Five moves later, he played a hane, then sat back and sipped his tea as Touya gasped. His rival's hand, which had been moving to place a stone, hovered over the board, then pulled back slowly as Touya leaned forward, studying the situation. It was at least three minutes before he sat back, staring at Hikaru.
"You unmitigated bastard," he said. He looked utterly stunned, and Hikaru felt the beginning of a triumphant grin tug at the corners of his mouth. Touya's expression changed, and a slow, delighted smile grew between them.
Touya shook his head and leaned over the board again, checking, the smile still on his face.
"You've left this corner mostly undefended," he said, pointing. "But even if I beat you to a pulp there, you still win."
"By about three or four moku," Hikaru agreed. He didn't say With this, I have caught up to you, because until he was steadily winning one out of every two games, it wasn't official. But this was it. Touya knew it too, he saw it in his face: love, respect, and the tiniest hint of the desire to cause him massive amounts of pain.
"Let's go home to me," Touya said, getting to his feet and beginning to clear the board. Hikaru nodded: victory sex sounded like a good idea.
*
The train was packed, and his rival stood very close to him throughout the journey, facing him, his chest almost touching Hikaru's. It was very hot, and Touya's breath was damp and warm against Hikaru's cheek. The heat from Touya's body on top of the stuffy, heavily-recycled air in the train was overwhelming, and Hikaru closed his eyes, trying to breathe. His rival was almost touching him, was almost pressed tightly against him; every time he swallowed, Hikaru heard it, every time he breathed, Hikaru tensed. Sweat trickling down his back, Hikaru tried not to pant, reflecting that he had never known it was possible to have sex in public, without taking off any clothes, without moving, and without touching.
*
He wondered if he'd ever get used to it. If lips against his mouth, lips around his erection, hands sliding down his back and fingers sliding inside him would ever feel like routine. He hoped not.
"I've thought of something," he said, afterwards, his fingers laced with Touya's and his gaze on the ceiling. His body felt overheated, and damp like he was in a sauna. "You know Go, right?"
"I've heard of it."
"Right, well, you know the way it's thousands of years old? And will be played thousands of years in future?"
"What's your point?"
"Well, do you really need to marry and have children? Your family is all the Go players through time, both past and present. Your Go is your child, your gift to the future."
Touya was silent, and Hikaru turned his head, watching him. His rival was looking thoughtful, and it was some time before he spoke.
"It's possible my parents would accept that. Or my father, at least, and then my mother wouldn't have any objections. But Shindou... what are you offering me in place of a normal family life? You've told me you don't want us to be a couple. Should I forgo marriage and children and just hope you'll keep wanting to have sex with me? Besides, won't your parents expect you to marry, too?"
"They'll expect me to, I'm sure," Hikaru said, dismissively. "But it's not like I ever do what they want me to."
"Well, fine. But it still leaves me subject to your caprices. What if you take it into your head to go out with girls again?"
Hikaru blushed, changing his grip on Touya's hand, holding it tighter. It occurred to him that maybe, just maybe, he had treated Akari rather badly. He'd have to make it up to her, somehow; maybe by setting her up with a friend. Waya, or someone, though setting someone up with Waya might technically not count as a favour.
"We didn't do anything," he protested. "Well, I kissed her a couple of times, but other than that, we just went to see a movie."
"Don't do it again." Touya sounded grumpy.
"I won't," Hikaru said, his mind on the film, and on a particular phrase that had occurred over and over in it. "Hey, Touya?"
"What?"
"It... you've always been ahead of me." He bit his lip, thinking. "Even if I've been running as hard as I could, it took me ages to reach you." He frowned at the ceiling, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the back of Touya's hand. "You're ahead of me in this, too. It will take time before I get where you are."
There was the sound of movement, and Touya came into his field of vision, looking down at him.
"You mean, one day it will be more than just rivalry and sex?" he asked, his tone neutral.
"I- yes. Probably. I will get there eventually." He took a deep breath and said it: "Will you wait for me? Please?"
Touya bent down and kissed him, taking his time about it, and their hands stayed tightly locked around each other. After a long time, he pulled back, and Hikaru wondered what he would say. You're already here would be a lie, and We'll move forwards together would avoid the issue. Touya kissed him again, and spoke against his lips.
"Yes."
FIN.