(no subject)
Title: Been Runnin' Too Long
Author: ssstevie
Rating: Umm. I'll just R it.
Genre: RPS.
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Christian Kane. Jensen, Steve and Chad are floating around in there, too.
Word Count: 14,600
Summary: I don't have a summary for it. Basically it's the story of Jared and the journey of Christian and how they intersect.
Notes: This is for insaneboingo. She asked me to write it, and because I had never thought about it before, I said yes.
I'm stupidly proud of this story.
Thanks for everyone that read it and laceandgrace for her help. Thanks to keyweegirlie for the beta.
--
He shuffled around on the porch a bit before ringing the doorbell. Nothing like crawling home. 'Cept when you don't have a home to go to. He looked up from studying the tips of his boots when the door opened.
"Chris?" Jared Padalecki answered the door looking confused. As well he should on both accounts--his house first off, and why would Chris even be here in the second place.
"Ackles home?" He sounded like he'd been eating gravel. And as fast he was driving to get away, he might have been.
"No. Sorry, Christian. He's away."
"Just like Jenny to invite me and bail. Can I still come in?"
"Oh. Yeah, sorry." Jared took Chris's duffel and backed into the hall. Chris followed with his guitar, trailing little bits of his pride behind.
As he stepped into the living room, he looked around, got a feel for the place. Looked like Jennyboy had a hand in buying almost everything there. It even smelled like him. He wondered briefly if Jared knew that.
He waited for Jared to return from the back where he obviously was stashing Chris's gear. He'd have to find a hotel come tomorrow, but right now, he hoped Jared didn't ask no questions because he couldn't form any replies.
"Um. You hungry? I got some leftovers." Jared looked a tad uncomfortable. Hell, he would be too if he saw himself show up out of the blue.
"Nah. But can I take a shower? Crash maybe? I'll leave tomorrow. I just can't drive no more."
Jared drew his eyebrows together. He thankfully said nothing and just nodded.
"Thanks, man. 'Preciate it."
"I don't know when Jensen will be back..." Jared started slowly.
"No big." Chris forced a smile and ran a hand through his too-long hair. "I'll find a hotel and be on my merry tomorrow. You can be shot of me."
"You don't have to go. I don't mind. I got no plans."
"Well I'll let you sleep on that decision. I'm just gonna go clean up."
"Christian..." Jared swallowed.
"Don't. Okay Jay? Just. Like I said. You'll be shot of me soon enough."
He missed the confused compassion on Jared's face as he turned to blindly find his way down the hall.
**
"Jen."
"Hey, Jay. How's things? God, I want to come home. The food here is atrocious. Not fit for canine consumption. You'd probably still eat it, though."
"Jensen. Listen."
"Jared? You okay?"
Jared stopped pacing and dropped his voice a bit. He didn't want Christian to hear him. He already felt like he was betraying his trust--even if Jensen was their mutual best friend.
"Chris is here. He said you invited him."
"I did. But, dude. That was, like, a few months back."
"He looks..." What? What exactly was he going to tell Jensen? Christian looked like someone ran roughshod over him and stole his puppy all in the same day? "He doesn't look happy, Jen."
"Well, he hasn't said anything to me. I'll try to get some time off if you think I should come back. Just talk to him. He likes you." Jensen added the last as an afterthought.
Yeah, I like him, too. And that's the problem.
"Okay, Jensen. Don't worry about us. I'll see that he's fine. You just stay there until he decides to call you on his own."
"Sure, Jay. Keep me posted. And feed him some of that lasagna. He likes that."
Jared said his goodbyes and hung up quickly. He didn't want Christian hearing him.
Why exactly was Christian Kane in his house in the first place? And acting like Jared would kick him out at the smallest infraction? He hoped he could figure it out before he left. He didn't like seeing Christian like this. In all the time he'd known him, he'd never seen him like this before.
**
When Jared first met Christian, he wasn't sure what to expect of Jensen's friends. Up to that point, he'd been blinded by the fact that he was gainfully employed still and working with Jen. He was already on his way to being half in love with Jensen, too. He let Jen drag him anywhere to do anything as long as they were together.
Jared was kind of glad times had changed a little.
He met Chris and Steve at the same time. Had no idea that either of them would be so open and friendly. Mostly because Jensen wasn't very open even if he was super friendly. Steve shook his hand, and Chris grabbed him in a one-armed, full-contact kind of hug that he was sure no one else in the world but them two ever used.
It was startling a little to find people so ready to accept him. By that time, Jared was finding his was to jaded and realizing just who was sticking around him because of his name.
"What's wrong with you, boy? It's a party here tonight. No lookin' like a kicked-in-the-balls calf."
First words Christian ever said to him.
"Sorry, I, uh, had a long day. What are we celebrating?"
Christian leaned close to Jared conspiratorially, and Jared knew, just knew, he'd never forget the way blue eyes could sparkle. It had him a bit dazed.
"It's our anniversary. One year. Yesterday technically, but can't party on a Thursday when there's good tv to watch. So come on, son, let's get you some beer. Jenny! Bring beer over here, you tool."
Jared just laughed and went along for the ride.
He didn't remember much else but lots of beer and laughter, maybe some bourbon, and he's pretty sure a tattoo show.
Right before he and Jensen left, they both got hugs again, this time from both Chris and Steve, and he thought he had escaped the dreaded word for the night, but it wasn't to be.
"Damn you're tall. Ain't he tall, Steve?"
"Yes. Tall."
Jared just nodded and shrugged.
"Next time, you be a little more lively there, son. Don't make me climb up there and whup you."
Last words Christian said to him that night.
He couldn't even try to laugh through the warmth that had spread through him.
**
Chris bowed his head under the water that was practically scalding--best way to eat away at all the artificial wrapping. He was tired. So tired of always having to figure out when to do or say the right thing. It was getting old.
For both of 'em.
And he knew. He just knew.
He wasn't going to get to leave first. He had turned into some giant, struckdown fool for love and blond hair.
Fuck.
He felt like punching something, but this was neither his house nor the way to fix things. He knew better, but knowing...that didn't change the goddamn fact that his life right now was contained in three bags sitting in a house of a friend of his best friend.
He turned off the water, shook his hair out and prepared to act his ass off. Jay didn't deserve his depressed bullshit right now. No one did.
**
When Christian walked out from Jensen's room, Jared straightened from where he was slumped against the bar.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"So, I, uh, you can wash clothes if you want, and there's like, beer and food in there. Jen's got tv and there's video games here." Jared stilled his hand when he realized he'd been pointing all around the house. Christian clearly had eyes.
"I'm fine, Big Jay. Could go for a sandwich. I'll make it myself. You pretend I ain't here."
"Sure. I can do that. Hey, Christian? I kindamaybecalledJensenandtoldhimyouwereherepleasedon'tbemad."
"Say what now, son? 'Cause that wasn't English."
Jared felt himself blush and started laughing. First time he felt normal all night.
"Yeah, I um, have this tendency to run all my words together and maybe talk too much. And I'm sorry, Christian, but I like, I called Jensen? Told him you were here. He said he could come home." Jared paused just to roll his eyes around the room. "You can totally stay here as long as you want. I mean, I have nothin' going on. We don't even have to talk or whatever. Just. I. Don't be mad at me?"
When Jared finally ended it was with an apologetic look on his face and a tired set to his shoulders.
"I'm not mad. Honest. I was gonna call Jenny in a bit anyway. And you want to sit around and not talk? When was the last time Jen was here, dude? Because you? Are wound tight."
"It's been a really weird few days for me."
"Wanna tell me while I work culinary magic in your kitchen?"
"Eh. Not really."
"Fair 'nough."
"But I kinda want a grilled cheese, so I'll go work the magic. You find something on tv."
Jared felt himself relax finally. He was going to get through this. He'd be fine. He'd have to.
"Isn't there a NASCAR race on? Always liked the mindlessness of watching cars go 'round a track."
"I dunno." Jared shrugged. "But we'd have to eat in one of the bedrooms, 'cause we don't have the cable in here for some reason. 'Sposed to be fixed soon enough."
"Aight. Let's get some grub goin' then, man."
Jared watched Christian smile at him as he went passed toward the fridge.
**
When Christian first met Jared, the boy was sprawled on Jensen's couch, passed out.
"Kinda tall for this here couch, dontcha think, Jenny?"
"He stopped there. You try carrying all 500 drunk feet of him to a bed." Chris just laughed that off and bent to inspect the sleeping Jared.
"Jared Padalecki, huh? Nice name. Little young for you, Jensen, yeah?"
"Nah. And besides, he's not for me."
"Then why's he here?" Chris lifted up one of Jared's feet to look at the size of that boot. He whistled low. The boy really was all arms, hair and feet. Endearing, really. And just like Jen to take him in. He just hoped there wasn't too much corrupting going on.
He actually, sort of missed the innocent Jenny. Sometimes.
"He's just here. We're just friends. Brothers if the tv would be believed."
"You're full of shit, Ackles. I see through you. You know that."
"Shut up, Kane. And go get your shit already so we can both go to sleep."
When Chris came back through, he paused one more time over Jared. He had a fleeting thought that he hoped the poor boy didn't get burned by Jensen like so many before.
Then he walked out and forgot about him until he saw him again the next night.
The next night? Yeah, he knew that Jared had already been burned. He couldn't recall exactly what he said to him, but he looked like a kicked puppy.
Love'll do that to you, he thought somewhat bitterly.
**
"Awright awright awright. We got foodstuffs, beverages, your big-ass bed and car chases. This is workin' out pleasantly."
Chris thought the more act he put on, the more he might actually start believing it. He looked over at Jared and could tell he wasn't fooled, but he stayed blessedly silent.
Chris'd be grateful later.
After about thirty minutes of nothing doing, Jared finally asked. He had wondered when he'd crack. Hell, if he was honest, he had really wondered which of them would crack first.
"Why you really here?"
He made a face and shook his hair down to cover up the side of his face as he just concentrated on breathing.
"Can't tell you, Jay."
"Why not? And I think it's don't want to more than can't. Am I right? I mean, fine. I won't ask, but I'll listen, if you want to tell."
"That's the rub."
"Makes no sense." And Chris knew he was right. Jared was putting him up for a few, so least he could do was try, right?
He sat back, pushed his hair back and drew his knees up.
Didn't look at Jared as he started, "Thought I had everything. Had it all figured out. Lined up right. It was golden, you know?" He laughed sadly. "Yeah. Life is bullshit. Planning is bullshit. Don't never plan nothing, Jay. It will come back. It will come back and kill you."
He looked up then, strained and lost, and saw Jared studying his every facial tick. Thankfully Jared didn't say nothing. Again. He was beginning to wonder if this motormouth routine was even real.
"I am well fucking aware of the destructive nature of plans."
And whatever he'd been expecting out of Jared, it sure as hell wasn't that. Had nothing to say to that either, so he nodded and turned back to the cars circling the black.
When he looked up to say..What exactly? Hell, he was thinking "thank you," but it somehow didn't seem appropriate, Jared was still watching him.
He raised his eyebrows.
"You have eyes like Jensen."
"Uh," Chris said ever so eloquently.
"I mean deep. Not color. Not content. There's just somethin'. Somethin' going on back there."
"You aren't really a spazz, are you?"
Chris watched Jared shake his head, his hair moving slowly.
"Want some ice cream?" Jared asked suddenly.
"Sure thing, hoss." Chris answered as he started gathering dishes to take with him.
Jared stopped him, though. "You stay. Watch your cars. I'll bring giant bowls back." Then he smiled.
And Christian wondered when precisely Jared had gotten such deep dimples.
**
Chris didn't remember waking up because he didn't remember going to sleep. He was up now, though, so he made his way to Jensen's office. It was more like a collection of all Jensen's favorite things. He surveyed the room before leaving to make coffee. On the way, he heard Jared's dogs and decided to let them outside before Jared got up. Make himself a bit useful.
He took coffee and his guitar in with all Jensen's other stuff and sat down. Chris played the first thing that popped into his head.
He wanted to kill himself a little--only way he saw fit to make sure his masochistic brain quit taunting him.
And I've got this telephone
You used to call me on.
But since that last goodbye
Well, that phone don't ring.
I've got this empty home
Filled with so many things.
Really? Is that what he needed to be singing right now? He gave up anything he knew and started in on making shit up. He had the notebook and pen he always kept in case of a sudden attack of brilliance, but he wasn't feeling particularly shiny at the moment.
Chris got more coffee and the dogs and went back to taking up space on a floor he didn't own.
One of these days, something would be his. One of these days, he'd get to keep something just like this.
Chris leaned back, playing to a captive, canine audience the same song that'd been his companion for far longer than he had wanted to admit to himself.
**
Jared woke up to music playing. The dogs were nowhere to be found, and for just a moment he thought maybe Jensen was home. Maybe things would go back to normal. He closed his eyes and just let the notes settle over him. He knew better than to dream, and he also knew Jensen couldn't play like that. Jensen never hurt bad enough to pour that much soul into his own music.
Jared tried to block the bitterness from settling in. They were back to friends, still costars, and sometimes roommates. He was over Jensen even before he fully got started, but it didn't stop him from thinking "What if..." half the time.
He pulled on clothes and padded down the hall toward the low humming. When he spotted Christian serenading his dogs in Jensen's office, he leaned against the door jamb and listened, running a hand through his sleep-tossed hair.
The scene reminded him of the first time he was allowed into any sort of jam session with Christian, Jensen and Steve. He was instructed to touch nothing and only sing if he could find the key. Jared remembered doing nothing more than sitting folded up on the outside of the triangle of their friendship in awe of talents he didn't possess.
He sighed as Christian slipped into something low and aching. He watched emotions play over Christian's profile for long minutes before he was spotted by Sadie. The mood was broken then as Christian stopped and looked up at him.
"Mornin'," Christian drawled, tucking his guitar closer to his chest.
"More like afternoon." Jard murmured and pushed off the door to pet the dogs.
"Already let 'em out. Got 'em water."
"Thanks." Jared replied with a level look at Christian.
"Got something on m'face, Jay?"
Jared shook his head dismissing that joke. "Did you sleep at all?" He questioned low, coming into the room to sit by Christian.
"I'm like a vampire, didn't you know? Stay up all night. Half the day."
Chris still wasn't looking at him.
"Christian..."
"I can't, Jay. I can't sleep alone," he practically whispered because the words cost him.
Jared understood completely.
"You're gonna have to break down some time. I'll be here. Let me be here for you."
Chris clung to his guitar and stared brokenly at Jared.
"When'd you get so wise?"
"Just recently. Very recently."
Jared rose and pulled Christian to his feet. "C'mon. Let's go get some groceries. Get outta the house."
"They let you out in public?" Chris asked, mock-astounded.
"Sometimes. And only if I promise to behave." Jared winked, and Chris's small laugh followed him into the hall.
**
Two weeks later after groceries and lasagna, beer and smoky clubs, mini-golf and guitar lessons, they settled in to movies and video games. It was a companionable kind of silence Jared had missed since Jensen had been gone.
"Dude, what the hell? You're not s'posed to kill your own guy."
"I know that. I'm not a complete dumbfuck, but damned if I can't figure this out."
Jared smothered the laughter bubbling up at Christian's frustration and just showed him an intricate pattern of buttons to get moving.
"Okay now do the thing so you can jump over. Now, Christian."
"Aww, hell."
"You missed."
"Well, I was fixin' to get it. Eh. I'm done with this shit. What's next?" He turned slightly toward Jared.
Jared chewed the inside of lip. "I dunno. Movies? We could go out? Or you could if you wanted to be alone?"
Christian titled his head and narrowed his eyes a bit at Jared. "You trying to get rid of me already? 'Cause I can go..."
"No. No, that's not it. Stay as long as you want. I just didn't know if you wanted to actually have me around."
"This is your house here, Jared. Think that should be the other way 'round?"
Jared just shrugged. He knew he was clingy, and he knew he got on people's nerves sometimes.
"Well, I'm glad you're letting me stay for a while. I could do with the company. For a minute there, I thought I'd just drive myself to the edge of the earth."
"It's that bad?"
"Not really. But you know how it is when you are hardest on yourself. Shoulda seen it comin'."
"You ever gonna talk about him?"
"Probably not. But like you said before, you'd listen. So who knows?"
He had said that before, and with every new day Christian didn't say anything, Jared worried a little harder.
"Want to get drunk?" Jared threw out there. He had no clue why.
"We haven't done that in a while."
"Don't remember ever getting drunk with you, Christian."
"Why you always calling me 'Christian'? Not 'Chris' or something else short or lame?" He asked him with a curious look.
Jared took a deep breath. He had reasons--none of which he wanted to share. Mostly, he just liked the way his name filled his mouth. The way his lips moved when he said it.
Instead he told him, "Never known anyone named Christian. Know lots a Chrises." Then he shrugged like it was no big deal. Nevermind the tension coiled in low in his belly.
"Go get the whiskey then, Jared. Been sober too long."
**
Three hours later, Chris was regretting those words. He was curled up on the couch, head on the arm rest and feet on Jared since he took up more than his fair half, watching Smurfs Take Sacramento or some other lame ass movie with cartoon blue people.
"Why we watchin' this 'gain?" Chris slurred before righting himself.
Jared moved his head as if in slow motion before slowly replying, "'Cause it's funny. Duh."
"Whatever." Christian pushed at Jared until he sat up closer to his side of the couch and then fell against him. "We should watch something else. Don't tell no one I ever said this, I will beat you with your own legs, but I like them Lifetime movies sometimes." He rubbed his nose on Jared's shoulder instead of expending the effort it would take to lift his hand and scratch it.
"Uh. We'd haveta move to watch it." Jared said sleepily before shifting and draping an arm over Chris's shoulders.
"I'm fine right here. But mute the damn singing blue elves before I shoot your tv."
He had no way of knowing if Jared really did or not because he promptly passed out.
**
Jared woke up with a jerk. He was stiff and hot and a little disoriented. He cast about wildly for a second before realizing he was at home. On his couch. Hung over. With Christian spread all over him sleeping soundly.
He relaxed back a little and shifted to get more comfortable. He really didn't want to wake Christian up. He hadn't been sleeping in the whole time he'd been at Jared's. It was a wonder to Jared that he could even form coherent thought most days.
After finding a better spot, he ran his hand over Christian's head, soothing him when he made little noises of protest at being jostled. He sifted his fingers through Christian's hair and watched the way he breathed.
Jared leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He honestly had no idea what he was doing here. He was out of his league one this one. As compassionate as he was, he couldn't keep picking up the pieces of other people's hearts and ignoring his so completely. He felt like he had been doing a solid job so far of tamping down on any compulsion he'd had to push more on Christian.
He just had to get over it and get on with it.
He scooted a bit left causing Christian to tighten his arm around him involuntarily. Chris apparently needed a new anchor.
Jared was hoping he'd anchor himself, though.
He had no desire to be Christian's guy-in-between. Christian didn't seem to be moving forward any time soon, either though.
Jared left those thoughts for a different day as he drifted off again.
**
Chris cracked open one eyes when he felt his axis shift.
"What're ya doin'?" He asked blearily.
"We're movin' to the bed. I have a crick in my neck," was Jared's disgruntled reply.
He felt more than heard the rest of Jared's mumbling after Jay manhandled him to standing.
"M'fine, Jay. Can stay here."
"Well I can't, and you need more sleep. So come on, cowboy."
That did sound like a good plan; he was tired.
"Haven't slept in a month."
"I know," Jared said softly. "I know. Now let's go, Christian."
Jared prodded him further.
"Like how m'name sounds when you say it," Chris slurred as Jared walked him down the hall.
Then, Jared was tumbling him into that big bed of his, and Chris quit trying to converse, just rolled over.
When he felt the bed dip and Jared's heat behind him, he breathed deep and relaxed fully. He pushed one of his feet between Jared's and fell into a peaceful sleep.
**
Jared woke up alone and ridiculously early. Well, not so much considering how much sleeping he did the day before. He stretched and contemplated waffles when he heard Christian's voice loud and strained coming from elsewhere in the house. He dumbly looked over to the other side of the bed. It was mussed, and when he ran his hand over it, still warm. Jared decided to find out why Chris was hollering so early.
He padded down the hall and found Christian standing at the back door looking out over the yard. He could hear the other voice through the phone just as loud as Christian's, and as he went to announce himself, Christian spoke again.
"I ain't got the inclination to do this right now." Chris sounded angry and tired. He pushed a hand through his hair as he listened to the other voice.
"I don't even know what that means." Jared heard the other person practically yell. Steve if he had to guess.
"It means, Steve, that I don't want to hear 'Baby' or 'I'm sorry' or 'Give me one more shot' or any of the other meaningless bullshit you feel like spoutin' outta that pretty mouth. It means I'm done here."
Jared couldn't hear the reply. He felt really bad eavesdropping like this, but he wasn't getting anything out of Christian anyway. And he really wanted to be there for him.
"No," Christian almost whispered. He paused, and Jared thought he should leave in case he was about to break down. Christian didn't need him seeing that uninvited, but as he turned, he heard Chris continue, "No. We really broke up when I left L.A."
As Christian shut off the phone on Steve's protestations, he turned, and Jared was caught. He ran a hand over the back of his neck looking sheepish.
"Hear all that, didja?"
"Yeah. Sorry."
Christian almost looked proud. Jared wasn't sure of what exactly, but Chris just said, "'S alright."
"Yeah?"
"Don't worry 'bout it. Long time comin', and I'm sure he'll call back later. You can be here for that whole conversation..." Christian trailed off but stared at Jared with a silent intensity he was almost uncomfortable with.
Jared fidgeted, leaned his head to the side, and asked quietly, almost unaware he was saying it, "What do you want, Christian?"
"Want? Outta what, Jay?"
"Life. In general. I guess." Jared hadn't meant to ask that, but now that he had, he was truly curious as to the answer. He watched as Christian parsed through his thoughts to tell Jared exactly what he thought he wanted to hear. He was hoping that he wouldn't lie. He didn't want Christian to lie to him. He never wanted to lie to Christian. Ever.
He decided to file that away and deal with it later.
"Friends," Chris said suddenly. "Friends, music, laughin', beer and..."
"And what?" Jared prodded, smiling at him. He really wanted to know.
"And a really long drive down a really long coast." Christian returned Jared's grin with a small one of his own and then looked down.
"I think I have all those things." Jared ducked his head as he answered trying to capture Christian's gaze again.
Finally, Christian looked up and smiled genuinely at him. Jared could still see the sadness lurking around his eyes, but Christian looked better than he had in days. Jared breathed deeply and started to offer waffles for, er, lunch probably, but Christian spoke first.
"I think," he swallowed, and Jared followed the movement. When Christian didn't finish, Jared raised his eyebrows in prompting.
"I think you got way more'n that, Jay. Way more."
Jared hid his smile and slung an arm around Christian as he steered him toward the kitchen.
"How 'bout waffles? You hungry?"
"Why you always tryin' to feed me, boy? I look malnourished to you?"
Jared pushed Christian ahead of him a little and turned him by the shoulders. Then, he studied Christian up and down before replying, "Naw. Look fine to me. Same Chris. But I'm always hungry, and I don't like eatin' alone."
Christian punched him in the shoulder then, and before Jared could respond, Chris squeezed his upper arm and said simply, "Thank you."
Jared nodded once and turned toward the fridge.
"Let's put some strawberries in those waffles."
**
Lost in music and thought, Chris sat cross-legged on the floor. He looked up, confused when the light flipped on. He felt his face relax when he saw the sheer expanse of Jared taking up the whole doorway.
"You're fuckin' huge, man. Why are you even working out?"
"Thought you might want a little light," was Jared's dodgy reply.
Chris suppressed the urge to rib him on his avoidance. Instead, he said, "I like the dark. Most of the best stuff happens in the dark."
He laughed bright and long when Jared flipped the light back off and slid down the wall to sit opposite him. There was something off about Jay. He had started noticing it more and more as he finally came out of his own issue-induced coma. Man, he fucking hated Issues. They messed up the natural order of his easy life. Chris decided to just come out with it and, hell, ask the boy. Least he could do--be an ear.
"Dude? Hey. What's up with you? You seem...off?" Yeah, probably not the best way to phrase, but Chris wasn't in the mood for being verbose. He seemed to have lost most of the muse behind his words and that disturbed him almost more than the Steve thing.
He swallowed.
Almost.
"How would you know? You don't know me from off."
He looked through the dark to find Jared's face. He couldn't see much there.
"True. But hell, Jay. I mean, I know 'nough of you to know this ain't right. And you don't have to tell me. It's cool. But I-" He stopped and tapped out a rhythm on his thigh. But he what? Because sure, he was grateful, but right now he felt a powerful need to be something to Jared.
Something more than he was.
Chris didn't even want to reason that out. He just sat back and let familiarity flood his head.
This was easy. Songs were easy.
"You what, Christian?"
He opened his eyes, unaware that he hadn't finished.
"Shit, Jay. I don't even know. Just wanted you to talk to me like we was friends."
"We are friends." And Jared's voice was so low, Christian had to strain to make out the words. Mostly he just heard the rumble and felt comforted and warm.
There was too much shit he had to analyze later crammed into the tiny spaces of his brain.
Chris wondered when this stopped being about him needing a place to stay and more about him needing a place by Jared.
**
It'd been a few days, and Jared still hadn't found the right coast to drive down. He'd been looking, though. He'd been looking at Christian, too. They'd been talking more, trying out guitar lessons more, driving around the neighborhood more.
It had been easy in a way Jared never had before.
He noticed Christian changing more. He put his bracelets back on. Quit wearing that one shirt that he knew was Steve's. Punched him with a regular frequency. It made Jared happy on a level he wasn't sure he understood.
He was glad that Christian was healing. It meant that Jared didn't have to be someone else's rock again.
Jared didn't hear Christian walk in the room so engrossed he was in his thoughts.
"What's so interesting out that window?"
Jared shifted to look at him over his shoulder. He stared at Christian for a while, causing him to fidget slightly. Christian looked...open, more like the person Jared knew. He smiled up at him and turned around fully.
"Nothing as interesting out there as in here. What's up?"
"Want to go to a club with me? Honky tonk kinda joint that my friend runs. He called me earlier. Thought we could stop in tonight."
Jared thought Christian maybe looked nervous. That thought made him feel awesome and little powerful.
"I'd like to go. Yeah."
"You driving? We should get a cab?"
"You gonna get so drunk I have to carry your lard ass up the walk?"
Christian snorted, "Naw, boy. I know exactly how to handle all my liquor."
"Experience?"
"Like you wouldn't believe."
Jared laughed, "Cab it is then. I ain't driving."
**
Chris felt good. Music pulling through him, Jared sitting beside him, beer heating in front of him--it was a good night. He needed it.
He and Jared were crammed on barstools around a small table with at least eight other people. He liked people like this. When they weren't acting like stupid cattle and were just content to be together, people were pretty awesome.
One of those awesome people bumped Christian so hard he almost toppled sideways, but Jared was there, wrapping a long arm around his shoulders, and Chris put a hand on Jared's thigh to steady himself. They were pressed up together and neither seemed to have an inclination to move.
Chris felt good. Chris felt good enough to acknowledge that Jared felt even better. He wondered, fleetingly, if maybe he was just touch-starved.
But they didn't even break apart when Christian's friend the bar owner came up to him.
He raised his beer in salute and laughed for no reason. Laughing was sorely missed. He'd have to do it more.
"Well, Kane, good to see you, man."
"Always good to be seen." Chris winked.
"Here without the better half, I see. You gonna sing for us later?"
Chris ignore the first part of his friend's sentence there in favor of his good mood. He wanted to keep it, dammit.
"I guess I could. Wasn't really feelin' it, though, dude."
"Come on. Sing something," Jared threw out there.
Chris looked at him, then.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You haven't sung in a long time. Be good for ya."
Christian searched Jared's face and felt Jared tighten long fingers on his shoulder. He'd do it. He'd sing. Just because Jared asked him to. He slapped his hands down on the table and hopped up.
"Sure thing. I'll get on up there."
"Whatcha singin'? Kane exclusive?"
"No, man. Doubt that. I'll pick out something else." He swung questioning eyes over to Jared.
Jared shrugged and took a long drink. "I dunno, dude. What are you in the mood for?"
Chris smiled slow and satisfied at that. He had it.
Yeah, he felt good.
It was about fucking time.
**
Part Two
Author: ssstevie
Rating: Umm. I'll just R it.
Genre: RPS.
Pairing: Jared Padalecki/Christian Kane. Jensen, Steve and Chad are floating around in there, too.
Word Count: 14,600
Summary: I don't have a summary for it. Basically it's the story of Jared and the journey of Christian and how they intersect.
Notes: This is for insaneboingo. She asked me to write it, and because I had never thought about it before, I said yes.
I'm stupidly proud of this story.
Thanks for everyone that read it and laceandgrace for her help. Thanks to keyweegirlie for the beta.
--
He shuffled around on the porch a bit before ringing the doorbell. Nothing like crawling home. 'Cept when you don't have a home to go to. He looked up from studying the tips of his boots when the door opened.
"Chris?" Jared Padalecki answered the door looking confused. As well he should on both accounts--his house first off, and why would Chris even be here in the second place.
"Ackles home?" He sounded like he'd been eating gravel. And as fast he was driving to get away, he might have been.
"No. Sorry, Christian. He's away."
"Just like Jenny to invite me and bail. Can I still come in?"
"Oh. Yeah, sorry." Jared took Chris's duffel and backed into the hall. Chris followed with his guitar, trailing little bits of his pride behind.
As he stepped into the living room, he looked around, got a feel for the place. Looked like Jennyboy had a hand in buying almost everything there. It even smelled like him. He wondered briefly if Jared knew that.
He waited for Jared to return from the back where he obviously was stashing Chris's gear. He'd have to find a hotel come tomorrow, but right now, he hoped Jared didn't ask no questions because he couldn't form any replies.
"Um. You hungry? I got some leftovers." Jared looked a tad uncomfortable. Hell, he would be too if he saw himself show up out of the blue.
"Nah. But can I take a shower? Crash maybe? I'll leave tomorrow. I just can't drive no more."
Jared drew his eyebrows together. He thankfully said nothing and just nodded.
"Thanks, man. 'Preciate it."
"I don't know when Jensen will be back..." Jared started slowly.
"No big." Chris forced a smile and ran a hand through his too-long hair. "I'll find a hotel and be on my merry tomorrow. You can be shot of me."
"You don't have to go. I don't mind. I got no plans."
"Well I'll let you sleep on that decision. I'm just gonna go clean up."
"Christian..." Jared swallowed.
"Don't. Okay Jay? Just. Like I said. You'll be shot of me soon enough."
He missed the confused compassion on Jared's face as he turned to blindly find his way down the hall.
**
"Jen."
"Hey, Jay. How's things? God, I want to come home. The food here is atrocious. Not fit for canine consumption. You'd probably still eat it, though."
"Jensen. Listen."
"Jared? You okay?"
Jared stopped pacing and dropped his voice a bit. He didn't want Christian to hear him. He already felt like he was betraying his trust--even if Jensen was their mutual best friend.
"Chris is here. He said you invited him."
"I did. But, dude. That was, like, a few months back."
"He looks..." What? What exactly was he going to tell Jensen? Christian looked like someone ran roughshod over him and stole his puppy all in the same day? "He doesn't look happy, Jen."
"Well, he hasn't said anything to me. I'll try to get some time off if you think I should come back. Just talk to him. He likes you." Jensen added the last as an afterthought.
Yeah, I like him, too. And that's the problem.
"Okay, Jensen. Don't worry about us. I'll see that he's fine. You just stay there until he decides to call you on his own."
"Sure, Jay. Keep me posted. And feed him some of that lasagna. He likes that."
Jared said his goodbyes and hung up quickly. He didn't want Christian hearing him.
Why exactly was Christian Kane in his house in the first place? And acting like Jared would kick him out at the smallest infraction? He hoped he could figure it out before he left. He didn't like seeing Christian like this. In all the time he'd known him, he'd never seen him like this before.
**
When Jared first met Christian, he wasn't sure what to expect of Jensen's friends. Up to that point, he'd been blinded by the fact that he was gainfully employed still and working with Jen. He was already on his way to being half in love with Jensen, too. He let Jen drag him anywhere to do anything as long as they were together.
Jared was kind of glad times had changed a little.
He met Chris and Steve at the same time. Had no idea that either of them would be so open and friendly. Mostly because Jensen wasn't very open even if he was super friendly. Steve shook his hand, and Chris grabbed him in a one-armed, full-contact kind of hug that he was sure no one else in the world but them two ever used.
It was startling a little to find people so ready to accept him. By that time, Jared was finding his was to jaded and realizing just who was sticking around him because of his name.
"What's wrong with you, boy? It's a party here tonight. No lookin' like a kicked-in-the-balls calf."
First words Christian ever said to him.
"Sorry, I, uh, had a long day. What are we celebrating?"
Christian leaned close to Jared conspiratorially, and Jared knew, just knew, he'd never forget the way blue eyes could sparkle. It had him a bit dazed.
"It's our anniversary. One year. Yesterday technically, but can't party on a Thursday when there's good tv to watch. So come on, son, let's get you some beer. Jenny! Bring beer over here, you tool."
Jared just laughed and went along for the ride.
He didn't remember much else but lots of beer and laughter, maybe some bourbon, and he's pretty sure a tattoo show.
Right before he and Jensen left, they both got hugs again, this time from both Chris and Steve, and he thought he had escaped the dreaded word for the night, but it wasn't to be.
"Damn you're tall. Ain't he tall, Steve?"
"Yes. Tall."
Jared just nodded and shrugged.
"Next time, you be a little more lively there, son. Don't make me climb up there and whup you."
Last words Christian said to him that night.
He couldn't even try to laugh through the warmth that had spread through him.
**
Chris bowed his head under the water that was practically scalding--best way to eat away at all the artificial wrapping. He was tired. So tired of always having to figure out when to do or say the right thing. It was getting old.
For both of 'em.
And he knew. He just knew.
He wasn't going to get to leave first. He had turned into some giant, struckdown fool for love and blond hair.
Fuck.
He felt like punching something, but this was neither his house nor the way to fix things. He knew better, but knowing...that didn't change the goddamn fact that his life right now was contained in three bags sitting in a house of a friend of his best friend.
He turned off the water, shook his hair out and prepared to act his ass off. Jay didn't deserve his depressed bullshit right now. No one did.
**
When Christian walked out from Jensen's room, Jared straightened from where he was slumped against the bar.
"Hey."
"Hi."
"So, I, uh, you can wash clothes if you want, and there's like, beer and food in there. Jen's got tv and there's video games here." Jared stilled his hand when he realized he'd been pointing all around the house. Christian clearly had eyes.
"I'm fine, Big Jay. Could go for a sandwich. I'll make it myself. You pretend I ain't here."
"Sure. I can do that. Hey, Christian? I kindamaybecalledJensenandtoldhimyouwereherepleasedon'tbemad."
"Say what now, son? 'Cause that wasn't English."
Jared felt himself blush and started laughing. First time he felt normal all night.
"Yeah, I um, have this tendency to run all my words together and maybe talk too much. And I'm sorry, Christian, but I like, I called Jensen? Told him you were here. He said he could come home." Jared paused just to roll his eyes around the room. "You can totally stay here as long as you want. I mean, I have nothin' going on. We don't even have to talk or whatever. Just. I. Don't be mad at me?"
When Jared finally ended it was with an apologetic look on his face and a tired set to his shoulders.
"I'm not mad. Honest. I was gonna call Jenny in a bit anyway. And you want to sit around and not talk? When was the last time Jen was here, dude? Because you? Are wound tight."
"It's been a really weird few days for me."
"Wanna tell me while I work culinary magic in your kitchen?"
"Eh. Not really."
"Fair 'nough."
"But I kinda want a grilled cheese, so I'll go work the magic. You find something on tv."
Jared felt himself relax finally. He was going to get through this. He'd be fine. He'd have to.
"Isn't there a NASCAR race on? Always liked the mindlessness of watching cars go 'round a track."
"I dunno." Jared shrugged. "But we'd have to eat in one of the bedrooms, 'cause we don't have the cable in here for some reason. 'Sposed to be fixed soon enough."
"Aight. Let's get some grub goin' then, man."
Jared watched Christian smile at him as he went passed toward the fridge.
**
When Christian first met Jared, the boy was sprawled on Jensen's couch, passed out.
"Kinda tall for this here couch, dontcha think, Jenny?"
"He stopped there. You try carrying all 500 drunk feet of him to a bed." Chris just laughed that off and bent to inspect the sleeping Jared.
"Jared Padalecki, huh? Nice name. Little young for you, Jensen, yeah?"
"Nah. And besides, he's not for me."
"Then why's he here?" Chris lifted up one of Jared's feet to look at the size of that boot. He whistled low. The boy really was all arms, hair and feet. Endearing, really. And just like Jen to take him in. He just hoped there wasn't too much corrupting going on.
He actually, sort of missed the innocent Jenny. Sometimes.
"He's just here. We're just friends. Brothers if the tv would be believed."
"You're full of shit, Ackles. I see through you. You know that."
"Shut up, Kane. And go get your shit already so we can both go to sleep."
When Chris came back through, he paused one more time over Jared. He had a fleeting thought that he hoped the poor boy didn't get burned by Jensen like so many before.
Then he walked out and forgot about him until he saw him again the next night.
The next night? Yeah, he knew that Jared had already been burned. He couldn't recall exactly what he said to him, but he looked like a kicked puppy.
Love'll do that to you, he thought somewhat bitterly.
**
"Awright awright awright. We got foodstuffs, beverages, your big-ass bed and car chases. This is workin' out pleasantly."
Chris thought the more act he put on, the more he might actually start believing it. He looked over at Jared and could tell he wasn't fooled, but he stayed blessedly silent.
Chris'd be grateful later.
After about thirty minutes of nothing doing, Jared finally asked. He had wondered when he'd crack. Hell, if he was honest, he had really wondered which of them would crack first.
"Why you really here?"
He made a face and shook his hair down to cover up the side of his face as he just concentrated on breathing.
"Can't tell you, Jay."
"Why not? And I think it's don't want to more than can't. Am I right? I mean, fine. I won't ask, but I'll listen, if you want to tell."
"That's the rub."
"Makes no sense." And Chris knew he was right. Jared was putting him up for a few, so least he could do was try, right?
He sat back, pushed his hair back and drew his knees up.
Didn't look at Jared as he started, "Thought I had everything. Had it all figured out. Lined up right. It was golden, you know?" He laughed sadly. "Yeah. Life is bullshit. Planning is bullshit. Don't never plan nothing, Jay. It will come back. It will come back and kill you."
He looked up then, strained and lost, and saw Jared studying his every facial tick. Thankfully Jared didn't say nothing. Again. He was beginning to wonder if this motormouth routine was even real.
"I am well fucking aware of the destructive nature of plans."
And whatever he'd been expecting out of Jared, it sure as hell wasn't that. Had nothing to say to that either, so he nodded and turned back to the cars circling the black.
When he looked up to say..What exactly? Hell, he was thinking "thank you," but it somehow didn't seem appropriate, Jared was still watching him.
He raised his eyebrows.
"You have eyes like Jensen."
"Uh," Chris said ever so eloquently.
"I mean deep. Not color. Not content. There's just somethin'. Somethin' going on back there."
"You aren't really a spazz, are you?"
Chris watched Jared shake his head, his hair moving slowly.
"Want some ice cream?" Jared asked suddenly.
"Sure thing, hoss." Chris answered as he started gathering dishes to take with him.
Jared stopped him, though. "You stay. Watch your cars. I'll bring giant bowls back." Then he smiled.
And Christian wondered when precisely Jared had gotten such deep dimples.
**
Chris didn't remember waking up because he didn't remember going to sleep. He was up now, though, so he made his way to Jensen's office. It was more like a collection of all Jensen's favorite things. He surveyed the room before leaving to make coffee. On the way, he heard Jared's dogs and decided to let them outside before Jared got up. Make himself a bit useful.
He took coffee and his guitar in with all Jensen's other stuff and sat down. Chris played the first thing that popped into his head.
He wanted to kill himself a little--only way he saw fit to make sure his masochistic brain quit taunting him.
And I've got this telephone
You used to call me on.
But since that last goodbye
Well, that phone don't ring.
I've got this empty home
Filled with so many things.
Really? Is that what he needed to be singing right now? He gave up anything he knew and started in on making shit up. He had the notebook and pen he always kept in case of a sudden attack of brilliance, but he wasn't feeling particularly shiny at the moment.
Chris got more coffee and the dogs and went back to taking up space on a floor he didn't own.
One of these days, something would be his. One of these days, he'd get to keep something just like this.
Chris leaned back, playing to a captive, canine audience the same song that'd been his companion for far longer than he had wanted to admit to himself.
**
Jared woke up to music playing. The dogs were nowhere to be found, and for just a moment he thought maybe Jensen was home. Maybe things would go back to normal. He closed his eyes and just let the notes settle over him. He knew better than to dream, and he also knew Jensen couldn't play like that. Jensen never hurt bad enough to pour that much soul into his own music.
Jared tried to block the bitterness from settling in. They were back to friends, still costars, and sometimes roommates. He was over Jensen even before he fully got started, but it didn't stop him from thinking "What if..." half the time.
He pulled on clothes and padded down the hall toward the low humming. When he spotted Christian serenading his dogs in Jensen's office, he leaned against the door jamb and listened, running a hand through his sleep-tossed hair.
The scene reminded him of the first time he was allowed into any sort of jam session with Christian, Jensen and Steve. He was instructed to touch nothing and only sing if he could find the key. Jared remembered doing nothing more than sitting folded up on the outside of the triangle of their friendship in awe of talents he didn't possess.
He sighed as Christian slipped into something low and aching. He watched emotions play over Christian's profile for long minutes before he was spotted by Sadie. The mood was broken then as Christian stopped and looked up at him.
"Mornin'," Christian drawled, tucking his guitar closer to his chest.
"More like afternoon." Jard murmured and pushed off the door to pet the dogs.
"Already let 'em out. Got 'em water."
"Thanks." Jared replied with a level look at Christian.
"Got something on m'face, Jay?"
Jared shook his head dismissing that joke. "Did you sleep at all?" He questioned low, coming into the room to sit by Christian.
"I'm like a vampire, didn't you know? Stay up all night. Half the day."
Chris still wasn't looking at him.
"Christian..."
"I can't, Jay. I can't sleep alone," he practically whispered because the words cost him.
Jared understood completely.
"You're gonna have to break down some time. I'll be here. Let me be here for you."
Chris clung to his guitar and stared brokenly at Jared.
"When'd you get so wise?"
"Just recently. Very recently."
Jared rose and pulled Christian to his feet. "C'mon. Let's go get some groceries. Get outta the house."
"They let you out in public?" Chris asked, mock-astounded.
"Sometimes. And only if I promise to behave." Jared winked, and Chris's small laugh followed him into the hall.
**
Two weeks later after groceries and lasagna, beer and smoky clubs, mini-golf and guitar lessons, they settled in to movies and video games. It was a companionable kind of silence Jared had missed since Jensen had been gone.
"Dude, what the hell? You're not s'posed to kill your own guy."
"I know that. I'm not a complete dumbfuck, but damned if I can't figure this out."
Jared smothered the laughter bubbling up at Christian's frustration and just showed him an intricate pattern of buttons to get moving.
"Okay now do the thing so you can jump over. Now, Christian."
"Aww, hell."
"You missed."
"Well, I was fixin' to get it. Eh. I'm done with this shit. What's next?" He turned slightly toward Jared.
Jared chewed the inside of lip. "I dunno. Movies? We could go out? Or you could if you wanted to be alone?"
Christian titled his head and narrowed his eyes a bit at Jared. "You trying to get rid of me already? 'Cause I can go..."
"No. No, that's not it. Stay as long as you want. I just didn't know if you wanted to actually have me around."
"This is your house here, Jared. Think that should be the other way 'round?"
Jared just shrugged. He knew he was clingy, and he knew he got on people's nerves sometimes.
"Well, I'm glad you're letting me stay for a while. I could do with the company. For a minute there, I thought I'd just drive myself to the edge of the earth."
"It's that bad?"
"Not really. But you know how it is when you are hardest on yourself. Shoulda seen it comin'."
"You ever gonna talk about him?"
"Probably not. But like you said before, you'd listen. So who knows?"
He had said that before, and with every new day Christian didn't say anything, Jared worried a little harder.
"Want to get drunk?" Jared threw out there. He had no clue why.
"We haven't done that in a while."
"Don't remember ever getting drunk with you, Christian."
"Why you always calling me 'Christian'? Not 'Chris' or something else short or lame?" He asked him with a curious look.
Jared took a deep breath. He had reasons--none of which he wanted to share. Mostly, he just liked the way his name filled his mouth. The way his lips moved when he said it.
Instead he told him, "Never known anyone named Christian. Know lots a Chrises." Then he shrugged like it was no big deal. Nevermind the tension coiled in low in his belly.
"Go get the whiskey then, Jared. Been sober too long."
**
Three hours later, Chris was regretting those words. He was curled up on the couch, head on the arm rest and feet on Jared since he took up more than his fair half, watching Smurfs Take Sacramento or some other lame ass movie with cartoon blue people.
"Why we watchin' this 'gain?" Chris slurred before righting himself.
Jared moved his head as if in slow motion before slowly replying, "'Cause it's funny. Duh."
"Whatever." Christian pushed at Jared until he sat up closer to his side of the couch and then fell against him. "We should watch something else. Don't tell no one I ever said this, I will beat you with your own legs, but I like them Lifetime movies sometimes." He rubbed his nose on Jared's shoulder instead of expending the effort it would take to lift his hand and scratch it.
"Uh. We'd haveta move to watch it." Jared said sleepily before shifting and draping an arm over Chris's shoulders.
"I'm fine right here. But mute the damn singing blue elves before I shoot your tv."
He had no way of knowing if Jared really did or not because he promptly passed out.
**
Jared woke up with a jerk. He was stiff and hot and a little disoriented. He cast about wildly for a second before realizing he was at home. On his couch. Hung over. With Christian spread all over him sleeping soundly.
He relaxed back a little and shifted to get more comfortable. He really didn't want to wake Christian up. He hadn't been sleeping in the whole time he'd been at Jared's. It was a wonder to Jared that he could even form coherent thought most days.
After finding a better spot, he ran his hand over Christian's head, soothing him when he made little noises of protest at being jostled. He sifted his fingers through Christian's hair and watched the way he breathed.
Jared leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He honestly had no idea what he was doing here. He was out of his league one this one. As compassionate as he was, he couldn't keep picking up the pieces of other people's hearts and ignoring his so completely. He felt like he had been doing a solid job so far of tamping down on any compulsion he'd had to push more on Christian.
He just had to get over it and get on with it.
He scooted a bit left causing Christian to tighten his arm around him involuntarily. Chris apparently needed a new anchor.
Jared was hoping he'd anchor himself, though.
He had no desire to be Christian's guy-in-between. Christian didn't seem to be moving forward any time soon, either though.
Jared left those thoughts for a different day as he drifted off again.
**
Chris cracked open one eyes when he felt his axis shift.
"What're ya doin'?" He asked blearily.
"We're movin' to the bed. I have a crick in my neck," was Jared's disgruntled reply.
He felt more than heard the rest of Jared's mumbling after Jay manhandled him to standing.
"M'fine, Jay. Can stay here."
"Well I can't, and you need more sleep. So come on, cowboy."
That did sound like a good plan; he was tired.
"Haven't slept in a month."
"I know," Jared said softly. "I know. Now let's go, Christian."
Jared prodded him further.
"Like how m'name sounds when you say it," Chris slurred as Jared walked him down the hall.
Then, Jared was tumbling him into that big bed of his, and Chris quit trying to converse, just rolled over.
When he felt the bed dip and Jared's heat behind him, he breathed deep and relaxed fully. He pushed one of his feet between Jared's and fell into a peaceful sleep.
**
Jared woke up alone and ridiculously early. Well, not so much considering how much sleeping he did the day before. He stretched and contemplated waffles when he heard Christian's voice loud and strained coming from elsewhere in the house. He dumbly looked over to the other side of the bed. It was mussed, and when he ran his hand over it, still warm. Jared decided to find out why Chris was hollering so early.
He padded down the hall and found Christian standing at the back door looking out over the yard. He could hear the other voice through the phone just as loud as Christian's, and as he went to announce himself, Christian spoke again.
"I ain't got the inclination to do this right now." Chris sounded angry and tired. He pushed a hand through his hair as he listened to the other voice.
"I don't even know what that means." Jared heard the other person practically yell. Steve if he had to guess.
"It means, Steve, that I don't want to hear 'Baby' or 'I'm sorry' or 'Give me one more shot' or any of the other meaningless bullshit you feel like spoutin' outta that pretty mouth. It means I'm done here."
Jared couldn't hear the reply. He felt really bad eavesdropping like this, but he wasn't getting anything out of Christian anyway. And he really wanted to be there for him.
"No," Christian almost whispered. He paused, and Jared thought he should leave in case he was about to break down. Christian didn't need him seeing that uninvited, but as he turned, he heard Chris continue, "No. We really broke up when I left L.A."
As Christian shut off the phone on Steve's protestations, he turned, and Jared was caught. He ran a hand over the back of his neck looking sheepish.
"Hear all that, didja?"
"Yeah. Sorry."
Christian almost looked proud. Jared wasn't sure of what exactly, but Chris just said, "'S alright."
"Yeah?"
"Don't worry 'bout it. Long time comin', and I'm sure he'll call back later. You can be here for that whole conversation..." Christian trailed off but stared at Jared with a silent intensity he was almost uncomfortable with.
Jared fidgeted, leaned his head to the side, and asked quietly, almost unaware he was saying it, "What do you want, Christian?"
"Want? Outta what, Jay?"
"Life. In general. I guess." Jared hadn't meant to ask that, but now that he had, he was truly curious as to the answer. He watched as Christian parsed through his thoughts to tell Jared exactly what he thought he wanted to hear. He was hoping that he wouldn't lie. He didn't want Christian to lie to him. He never wanted to lie to Christian. Ever.
He decided to file that away and deal with it later.
"Friends," Chris said suddenly. "Friends, music, laughin', beer and..."
"And what?" Jared prodded, smiling at him. He really wanted to know.
"And a really long drive down a really long coast." Christian returned Jared's grin with a small one of his own and then looked down.
"I think I have all those things." Jared ducked his head as he answered trying to capture Christian's gaze again.
Finally, Christian looked up and smiled genuinely at him. Jared could still see the sadness lurking around his eyes, but Christian looked better than he had in days. Jared breathed deeply and started to offer waffles for, er, lunch probably, but Christian spoke first.
"I think," he swallowed, and Jared followed the movement. When Christian didn't finish, Jared raised his eyebrows in prompting.
"I think you got way more'n that, Jay. Way more."
Jared hid his smile and slung an arm around Christian as he steered him toward the kitchen.
"How 'bout waffles? You hungry?"
"Why you always tryin' to feed me, boy? I look malnourished to you?"
Jared pushed Christian ahead of him a little and turned him by the shoulders. Then, he studied Christian up and down before replying, "Naw. Look fine to me. Same Chris. But I'm always hungry, and I don't like eatin' alone."
Christian punched him in the shoulder then, and before Jared could respond, Chris squeezed his upper arm and said simply, "Thank you."
Jared nodded once and turned toward the fridge.
"Let's put some strawberries in those waffles."
**
Lost in music and thought, Chris sat cross-legged on the floor. He looked up, confused when the light flipped on. He felt his face relax when he saw the sheer expanse of Jared taking up the whole doorway.
"You're fuckin' huge, man. Why are you even working out?"
"Thought you might want a little light," was Jared's dodgy reply.
Chris suppressed the urge to rib him on his avoidance. Instead, he said, "I like the dark. Most of the best stuff happens in the dark."
He laughed bright and long when Jared flipped the light back off and slid down the wall to sit opposite him. There was something off about Jay. He had started noticing it more and more as he finally came out of his own issue-induced coma. Man, he fucking hated Issues. They messed up the natural order of his easy life. Chris decided to just come out with it and, hell, ask the boy. Least he could do--be an ear.
"Dude? Hey. What's up with you? You seem...off?" Yeah, probably not the best way to phrase, but Chris wasn't in the mood for being verbose. He seemed to have lost most of the muse behind his words and that disturbed him almost more than the Steve thing.
He swallowed.
Almost.
"How would you know? You don't know me from off."
He looked through the dark to find Jared's face. He couldn't see much there.
"True. But hell, Jay. I mean, I know 'nough of you to know this ain't right. And you don't have to tell me. It's cool. But I-" He stopped and tapped out a rhythm on his thigh. But he what? Because sure, he was grateful, but right now he felt a powerful need to be something to Jared.
Something more than he was.
Chris didn't even want to reason that out. He just sat back and let familiarity flood his head.
This was easy. Songs were easy.
"You what, Christian?"
He opened his eyes, unaware that he hadn't finished.
"Shit, Jay. I don't even know. Just wanted you to talk to me like we was friends."
"We are friends." And Jared's voice was so low, Christian had to strain to make out the words. Mostly he just heard the rumble and felt comforted and warm.
There was too much shit he had to analyze later crammed into the tiny spaces of his brain.
Chris wondered when this stopped being about him needing a place to stay and more about him needing a place by Jared.
**
It'd been a few days, and Jared still hadn't found the right coast to drive down. He'd been looking, though. He'd been looking at Christian, too. They'd been talking more, trying out guitar lessons more, driving around the neighborhood more.
It had been easy in a way Jared never had before.
He noticed Christian changing more. He put his bracelets back on. Quit wearing that one shirt that he knew was Steve's. Punched him with a regular frequency. It made Jared happy on a level he wasn't sure he understood.
He was glad that Christian was healing. It meant that Jared didn't have to be someone else's rock again.
Jared didn't hear Christian walk in the room so engrossed he was in his thoughts.
"What's so interesting out that window?"
Jared shifted to look at him over his shoulder. He stared at Christian for a while, causing him to fidget slightly. Christian looked...open, more like the person Jared knew. He smiled up at him and turned around fully.
"Nothing as interesting out there as in here. What's up?"
"Want to go to a club with me? Honky tonk kinda joint that my friend runs. He called me earlier. Thought we could stop in tonight."
Jared thought Christian maybe looked nervous. That thought made him feel awesome and little powerful.
"I'd like to go. Yeah."
"You driving? We should get a cab?"
"You gonna get so drunk I have to carry your lard ass up the walk?"
Christian snorted, "Naw, boy. I know exactly how to handle all my liquor."
"Experience?"
"Like you wouldn't believe."
Jared laughed, "Cab it is then. I ain't driving."
**
Chris felt good. Music pulling through him, Jared sitting beside him, beer heating in front of him--it was a good night. He needed it.
He and Jared were crammed on barstools around a small table with at least eight other people. He liked people like this. When they weren't acting like stupid cattle and were just content to be together, people were pretty awesome.
One of those awesome people bumped Christian so hard he almost toppled sideways, but Jared was there, wrapping a long arm around his shoulders, and Chris put a hand on Jared's thigh to steady himself. They were pressed up together and neither seemed to have an inclination to move.
Chris felt good. Chris felt good enough to acknowledge that Jared felt even better. He wondered, fleetingly, if maybe he was just touch-starved.
But they didn't even break apart when Christian's friend the bar owner came up to him.
He raised his beer in salute and laughed for no reason. Laughing was sorely missed. He'd have to do it more.
"Well, Kane, good to see you, man."
"Always good to be seen." Chris winked.
"Here without the better half, I see. You gonna sing for us later?"
Chris ignore the first part of his friend's sentence there in favor of his good mood. He wanted to keep it, dammit.
"I guess I could. Wasn't really feelin' it, though, dude."
"Come on. Sing something," Jared threw out there.
Chris looked at him, then.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You haven't sung in a long time. Be good for ya."
Christian searched Jared's face and felt Jared tighten long fingers on his shoulder. He'd do it. He'd sing. Just because Jared asked him to. He slapped his hands down on the table and hopped up.
"Sure thing. I'll get on up there."
"Whatcha singin'? Kane exclusive?"
"No, man. Doubt that. I'll pick out something else." He swung questioning eyes over to Jared.
Jared shrugged and took a long drink. "I dunno, dude. What are you in the mood for?"
Chris smiled slow and satisfied at that. He had it.
Yeah, he felt good.
It was about fucking time.
**
Part Two