(Put Me Back Together) I've Come Undone (16/?)
Title: Put Me Back Together
Part: Chapter 16: I’ve Come Undone
Author: Squeeka Cuomo
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Puck, Burt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Emma Pillsbury, Will Schuester, Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Brittany, Mike Chang, Matt Rutherford
Author’s Note: The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- I know there are tons of spoilers out for the upcoming episodes. Please don’t post them in the comments.
Warning: This takes place directly after “Sectionals.” Everything up to that point is considered fair game. There are spoilers if you haven’t seen the first 13 episodes.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: All it takes is one moment to break Kurt apart. How many will it take to put not only himself but Puck back together?
Put Me Back TogetherChapter 16: I’ve Come Undone
When Kurt walked into the auditorium, his mind was still reeling, frantically playing and re-playing what had just happened with Puck. It still seemed so surreal, but the more logical part of Kurt’s brain was starting to work again. And it was telling him that he really shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, Puck was a jerk and he’d tortured Kurt for years.
But Kurt thought that they’d gotten past that and that he’d gotten to see behind the veil to see who Puck really was. Because in just over two weeks, Puck had become a completely different person right in front of Kurt’s eyes. It was like the petals of a flower being peeled away one at a time to revel something even lovelier underneath.
However, in just one moment, Puck had managed to grow back all of the layers that he’d managed to shed.
And Kurt had ended up getting hurt in the process.
As that thought crossed his mind, a sharp pain shot through Kurt’s stomach, threatening to take his breath away. It was then that Kurt realized that if he wanted to make it through rehearsal with Finn, he had to quit thinking about Puck.
There was no other way.
So Kurt took a deep breath in an effort to clear his head. It didn’t really help, but Kurt tried to tell himself that it did anyway. Because if he were to be totally honest about how he was feeling, Kurt would have turned around and run out of the auditorium then and there. Because he wasn’t in the mood to help anyone with anything. All he really wanted to do was go home and hide.
But Kurt wasn’t about to let Puck have that effect on him. So with a renewed sense of himself, Kurt shook his head back and headed towards the stage.
Finn was already there, standing next to the piano going through his scales. But instead of the traditional do, re, me’s, he was singing “you’s” as he went over the notes. And for just a second Kurt stopped walking, wondering just what Finn thought he was doing.
Normally, Kurt would have found something like that endearing. Stupid, but endearing.
But not today.
Rolling his eyes, Kurt walked up the steps to the stage, his boots echoing off each stair. Finn must have heard him, because he stopped singing and turned around to look at him.
“Hey, Kurt.” Finn shoved his hands into his pockets, looking unsure of himself as he took a couple of steps forward. “I was beginning to think you’d stood me up.” He toed the stage with his sneaker as if he was embarrassed to admit such a thing.
“No, sorry. I was…” Kurt’s voice trailed off as he thought, ‘having my heart broken.’ “Warming up in the choir room.”
“Right. Cool.” Finn smiled as he nodded his head, obviously appeased by the explanation (even though they obviously could have warmed up together). But the next second, his smile disappeared. Any other day the quick change in emotion would have been comical. Today, however, it was disconcerting for Kurt. “Hey, I really am sorry about -”
“Finn, please don’t.” Kurt cut Finn off, his voice harsher than he’d intended it to be. But really, he just couldn’t handle another apology right then.
“Uh, ok.” Finn looked hurt and slightly offended. And that rubbed Kurt the wrong way. After all, where exactly did Finn get off being offended about anything in regards to Kurt and this entire situation?
Finn was the one causing the problems.
Finn was the one who had punched Puck.
Finn was the one who seemed so intent on making sure that everyone turned their backs on Puck.
But despite all of that, Finn still had the gall to be offended at Kurt not wanting to hear another apology. And that amazed Kurt.
Maybe it was just his mood. Maybe it was because he was angry with Puck. Maybe it was because he was fed up with Finn here lately. Whatever it was, Kurt was irritated.
However, he was bound and determined to make it though this rehearsal. So he forced himself to smile back, forced himself to swallow the desire to snap at Finn. And if it took every last ounce of self-control he possessed to not let on that something was wrong, then so be it. He would make it through the next forty-five minutes.
He couldn’t fall apart or lose it in front of anyone but especially not Finn.
So Kurt took a deep breath as his forced smile began to make his cheeks ache. “Tell me, what song did you select?”
Finn walked up next to Kurt as he was setting his bag down next to the piano. And Kurt couldn’t help notice that there was a slight bounce to the other boy’s step. Finn obviously hadn’t noticed Kurt’s irritation or strain. He was, as always, completely clueless.
Kurt only just managed to keep himself from rolling his eyes.
“So… I’ve been practicing. And I think I’ve got a good handle on my solo.” Finn stood next to the piano, tapping on the top like a drummer practicing a favorite rhythm. “And since you said I was good with the classic rock when we did the ballads, I decided to stick with something like that.” His hands stopped moving, leaving them both in silence.
When Finn didn’t continue, Kurt realized that he was waiting for Kurt to say something. It was almost as it the other boy was looking for reassurance. And even though Kurt really didn’t have it in him to make sure that Finn’s feelings were ok, Kurt shrugged a little in encouragement. “Sounds good. What is it?”
Kurt’s lip service seemed to have done its job, because Finn smiled a little bit. “Under Pressure. By Queen.” The last of the excitement that had filled Finn’s steps and restless hands melted away, leaving him looking somber. “Cause, well, you know…”
“Yes, I do.” Kurt didn’t try to smile or act reassuring.
After what Finn had done, not only the day before, but also the way he’d acted over the past couple of weeks, Kurt didn’t feel like sympathizing or commiserating with him. Because when it came down to it, Finn had brought on a lot of the stress and pressure himself.
Not all of course. After all, things had been… ok after Sectionals. Not great, of course. But things in the glee club had been slowly but surely working themselves out. And Kurt was pretty sure that, in time, life would have returned to normal. Sure, Puck and Finn probably wouldn’t have patched things up. And Finn wouldn’t have welcomed Quinn back with open arms. But things had been bound to get better eventually.
But since Quinn’s miscarriage, Finn had… changed.
He was surly and territorial, almost as if he wanted to keep everyone and everything to himself. Or more aptly… away from Puck.
And Kurt could understand Finn being upset, he really could. But it seemed like the closer he and Puck grew, the harder Finn tried to pull them apart.
The harder Finn tried to make Puck miserable.
And just as that thought crossed his mind, Kurt realized something. Something that, in retrospect, he knew he should have figured out before. Because really, now that Kurt looked back over the past few weeks, it was horribly, painfully obvious.
Finn was using him.
Against Puck.
That was the only reason Finn had been paying so much attention to Kurt as of late.
And when Kurt looked into Finn’s soft brown eyes, it was as if he’d woken from some dream. And he was seeing, really seeing the other boy for the first time. The rose-colored glasses he’d been wearing for so long were shattered, and there Finn was…
An angry, upset teenage boy that had used Kurt simply because he was mad at the world.
But even though it broke his heart to know that Finn had played him, Kurt found that he couldn’t summon up any real anger or sadness. Because at that moment, his eyes had locked with Finn’s and Kurt had come to an even more important realization.
He didn’t love Finn anymore.
Hadn’t for a while actually.
And that hurt so much that it took Kurt’s breath away.
It wasn’t that he cared about losing his crush on Finn, because to be honest, he didn’t really feel anything as he looked at him. Instead, Kurt felt as if he was grieving the loss of a piece of himself.
Finn was his first love, and the loss of that left a gaping hole in Kurt’s heart. It left him feeling empty and little more broken than he had been when he’d walked into the auditorium.
“So, uh…” Finn was still staring at Kurt, and it was obvious that he could tell something was wrong. His eyebrows were pulled together, and he was searching Kurt’s face for an answer. But thankfully, he didn’t press the matter. “Should we get started?”
“I…” Kurt pursed his lips together as a fresh wave of pain and heartache flooded through his body. “I don’t think that this is such a good idea after all.” His voice was strained, but Kurt was resolute. “I think you should find someone else to work with.”
“But dude, it’s already Tuesday.” It was clear from Finn’s voice that he was exasperated and just a little shocked. And Kurt wondered if Finn had thought that he would never realize that he was being used. Like maybe he could have gone on using Kurt as a tool against Puck for as long as he wanted.
“Yes and glee isn’t until Thursday. You’ve got time.” Kurt bent over to pick up his bag, but his eyes never left Finn’s face. “And my name is not dude.” He emphasized the last word with as much disgust as he possibly could. “How many times do I need to say that?”
“Kurt.” He pronounced the word in such a way that Kurt wondered if Finn thought saying his name instead of ‘dude’ would make anything right. As Finn waited for a response, he gripped the top of the piano, his knuckles white, and Kurt could tell that the other boy was desperately trying to control his anger. He began clenching and unclenching his fingers, and Kurt could see the lines of Finn’s jaw tightening.
The sight of Finn growing steadily angrier caused something inside of Kurt to break. However, it wasn’t his heart, because at that point, Kurt was well beyond heartbreak. Instead, it was something much deeper, something that didn’t really have a name. But if Kurt was forced to put a name to it, he would have said it was his spirit.
Because really, what else was there besides your heart and soul?
Kurt could feel his throat tightening painfully and his eyes prickle with the ache of unshed tears. But there was no way that he’d allow Finn to see him crying. The thought of that was just too much.
In an effort to try and save his pride, Kurt took a deep breath, willing his voice to stay steady. “Call Rachel. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help.” His voice cracked ever so slightly on the last word, but he wasn’t finished. And taking one more steadying breath, Kurt prayed that he could finish before he lost the ability to speak altogether. “But do me a favor. Make sure you apologize for blowing her off first.”
Finn didn’t say a word. Didn’t even blink. Instead, he just stared at Kurt with total disbelief in his eyes.
Kurt slung his bag over his shoulder, giving Finn a couple of seconds to try and redeem himself. But when he didn’t say anything, Kurt turned around and walked out of the auditorium, his head held defiantly high.
However, as Kurt began walking down the steps that led up to the stage, his tears began to fall.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The second Kurt pulled into his driveway and turned off the Navigator, he finally allowed himself to give in, really give in. Because up until then, Kurt’s tears had been quiet and restrained.
After leaving the auditorium, he’d walked down the hall to his locker to grab his things. After that, he’d made it out of the school without being noticed by anyone who had still been lingering around. And as he drove home, Kurt had fought to keep himself calm so that he could drive safely. He’d wiped away his tears, making sure to focus on the road and oncoming traffic.
But the moment Kurt was safe in his own driveway, he felt the tears flow faster and more freely, the emotion quickly taking over and wracking his body with gut-wrenching sobs.
Kurt didn’t even try to hold back the tears, allowing all of the pain and heartache to seep out of himself. Unable to sit up straight any longer, Kurt reached forward and grabbed onto the first thing his hands touched, the steering wheel. And gripping it tightly, Kurt leaned forward and pressed his forehead into his knuckles.
Trapped inside the confines of the car, Kurt’s sobs seemed to fill up the space around him, making it hard for him to breathe. And as the stagnant air became unbearable, Kurt pushed open the car door and stumbled out, leaving his bag and cell phone behind.
After several failed attempts at getting the front door open, Kurt went inside and headed straight to the kitchen. Not able to think properly, he paced back and forth in front of the refrigerator, rubbing his arms as if he could soothe away his own pain.
On his eighth pass in front of the appliance, Kurt remembered April Rhodes and her time with the glee club. Oh, her stay had been short and for lack of a better word, eventful, but she’d left a lasting impression nonetheless. Not only on them as singers, but on Kurt himself as well.
She’d given him vintage muscle magazines and a daily dose of liquid courage.
Looking back, Kurt couldn’t remember what April had given him to drink. All he knew was that one shot had been enough to burn the back of his throat painfully. Kurt couldn’t even really remember what the alcohol had tasted like other than that it was terrible.
But as bad as it had tasted…
It had left Kurt feeling confident and strong for a little bit before making him feel numbed from the inside out. Of course, the numbness had eventually given way to nausea and an unfortunate incident with Miss Pillsbury’s shoes. And there’d been a hangover to deal with the next day. But for just a while, he’d been blissfully numb to everything.
And as all of the hurt, pain and anger coursed through his body, Kurt wanted nothing more than to make it all go away, to feel that nothingness again. He would deal with the nausea and hangover when they came. In fact, he’d welcome them with open arms if it meant that he could stop feeling.
Even if it was only for a little while.
His mind made up, Kurt stopped pacing and wiped away the tears that were still streaming down his face. Under his fingertips, his cheeks felt warm and puffy, and Kurt didn’t have to see himself to know that he was all red and blotchy. Which, of course, only made matters worse.
Swallowing a sob, Kurt reached out and pulled the refrigerator door open. The moment he did, the area around him was bathed in chilly fluorescent light. And standing in the glow of it, Kurt felt like he was standing in some demented spotlight that served to highlight just how cold and alone he was.
Not stopping to re-think his decision, Kurt reached for the small drawer that his dad always said was “off limits.” As he pulled it open, the refrigerator’s light flickered ominously, almost as if it knew what Kurt was about to do. And even though it was merely a failing bulb, it was almost like a warning, like the appliance was giving him a chance to stop, walk away.
But Kurt wasn’t in the mood for cryptic messages from his subconscious, because he’d made up his mind. And he wasn’t about to change it.
Kurt looked into the small drawer at the six bottles of Goose Island beer staring up at him. The white goose at the center of the black, white, and red label seemed to be accusing him of something. It was almost as if it knew the contents of its bottle were off limits to Kurt. And that only fueled his anger and determination more.
So even though he knew it was ridiculous, Kurt gave the goose a dirty look before plunging his hand into the cold drawer. The second his fingers wrapped around the chilly neck of the bottle, Kurt felt his heartbeat speed up so much that he was surprised it didn’t pop out of his throat. And despite the fact that he knew the organ was still firmly planted in his chest, Kurt swallowed as if he were trying to push it back down.
With the bottle in hand, Kurt straightened up and tried to twist the cap off with his hand. The sharp metal teeth of the bottle cap bit into Kurt’s palm, stubbornly refusing to move. And as the pain radiated through his soft skin, Kurt couldn’t even be bothered to spare a curse or stop to look at the wound. Instead, he instinctively crossed the kitchen and pulled open the utensil drawer.
The bottle opener was buried under the spatula and barely took him two seconds to find. And the moment he did, Kurt pulled it out and placed it over the cap of the beer. With one pull, the little barrier was wrenched free. It fell to the ground and clinked metallically a few times before landing prong side up on the linoleum.
The newly opened bottle felt slippery in Kurt’s palm, a thin sheen of cool sweat already forming on the outside of it. Kurt tightened his grip on the bottle, telling himself that it was because he didn’t want it to slip out of his grasp and not because his hands had just started shaking.
After one more look at the goose on the label, Kurt raised the bottle to his lips and drained it as quickly as he possibly could. The cold liquid poured down his throat, assaulting his senses and offending his palette. It tasted terrible and made him gag slightly, but Kurt wasn’t about to let that derail his plan, his escape.
When the bottle was empty, Kurt all but tossed it into the sink and grabbed another. Whatever April had given him had been strong enough to numb him with one shot. And while he didn’t know that much about alcohol, Kurt did know that beer was pretty weak compared to other things.
And he wasn’t about to take any chances.
Kurt wanted all of the pain and agony to go away, and he was pretty sure that no matter how much of a lightweight he was, one beer wasn’t going to cut it.
With the second bottle empty and in the sink with the other, Kurt reached for another.
Squeeka Cuomo’s Notes
- The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- Important: I’m having some major computer issues. So, as of right now, I don’t know when the next chapter will be up. Please bear with me. I’m not abandoning this story. I just might not be able to post for a while. :’(
- To every single person who has read this story, whether you’ve left a review or not, THANK YOU. I’m blown away by all of your love and support.
- Quack: Beta of beta’s. Thank you SO much. I really couldn’t do this without you.
- Reviews are love.
Put Me Back Together
Chapter 1: Kiss Me Goodbye
Chapter 2: Of Soirees and Sarongs
Chapter 3: Not So Subtle
Chapter 4: Late Arrivals
Chapter 5: Breaking Point
Chapter 6: Empty Hallway
Chapter 7: Cleaning up the Mess
Chapter 8: Dirty Laundry
Chapter 9: Gossip Mongers
Chapter 10: Just Breathe
Chapter 11: Damon Salvatore vs. Dexter Morgan
Chapter 12: Cloudy - Chance of Tension
Chapter 13: Pocket Squares
Chapter 14: All Apologies
Chapter 15: The “F” Word
Part: Chapter 16: I’ve Come Undone
Author: Squeeka Cuomo
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Puck, Burt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Emma Pillsbury, Will Schuester, Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Brittany, Mike Chang, Matt Rutherford
Author’s Note: The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- I know there are tons of spoilers out for the upcoming episodes. Please don’t post them in the comments.
Warning: This takes place directly after “Sectionals.” Everything up to that point is considered fair game. There are spoilers if you haven’t seen the first 13 episodes.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: All it takes is one moment to break Kurt apart. How many will it take to put not only himself but Puck back together?
Put Me Back TogetherChapter 16: I’ve Come Undone
When Kurt walked into the auditorium, his mind was still reeling, frantically playing and re-playing what had just happened with Puck. It still seemed so surreal, but the more logical part of Kurt’s brain was starting to work again. And it was telling him that he really shouldn’t be so surprised. After all, Puck was a jerk and he’d tortured Kurt for years.
But Kurt thought that they’d gotten past that and that he’d gotten to see behind the veil to see who Puck really was. Because in just over two weeks, Puck had become a completely different person right in front of Kurt’s eyes. It was like the petals of a flower being peeled away one at a time to revel something even lovelier underneath.
However, in just one moment, Puck had managed to grow back all of the layers that he’d managed to shed.
And Kurt had ended up getting hurt in the process.
As that thought crossed his mind, a sharp pain shot through Kurt’s stomach, threatening to take his breath away. It was then that Kurt realized that if he wanted to make it through rehearsal with Finn, he had to quit thinking about Puck.
There was no other way.
So Kurt took a deep breath in an effort to clear his head. It didn’t really help, but Kurt tried to tell himself that it did anyway. Because if he were to be totally honest about how he was feeling, Kurt would have turned around and run out of the auditorium then and there. Because he wasn’t in the mood to help anyone with anything. All he really wanted to do was go home and hide.
But Kurt wasn’t about to let Puck have that effect on him. So with a renewed sense of himself, Kurt shook his head back and headed towards the stage.
Finn was already there, standing next to the piano going through his scales. But instead of the traditional do, re, me’s, he was singing “you’s” as he went over the notes. And for just a second Kurt stopped walking, wondering just what Finn thought he was doing.
Normally, Kurt would have found something like that endearing. Stupid, but endearing.
But not today.
Rolling his eyes, Kurt walked up the steps to the stage, his boots echoing off each stair. Finn must have heard him, because he stopped singing and turned around to look at him.
“Hey, Kurt.” Finn shoved his hands into his pockets, looking unsure of himself as he took a couple of steps forward. “I was beginning to think you’d stood me up.” He toed the stage with his sneaker as if he was embarrassed to admit such a thing.
“No, sorry. I was…” Kurt’s voice trailed off as he thought, ‘having my heart broken.’ “Warming up in the choir room.”
“Right. Cool.” Finn smiled as he nodded his head, obviously appeased by the explanation (even though they obviously could have warmed up together). But the next second, his smile disappeared. Any other day the quick change in emotion would have been comical. Today, however, it was disconcerting for Kurt. “Hey, I really am sorry about -”
“Finn, please don’t.” Kurt cut Finn off, his voice harsher than he’d intended it to be. But really, he just couldn’t handle another apology right then.
“Uh, ok.” Finn looked hurt and slightly offended. And that rubbed Kurt the wrong way. After all, where exactly did Finn get off being offended about anything in regards to Kurt and this entire situation?
Finn was the one causing the problems.
Finn was the one who had punched Puck.
Finn was the one who seemed so intent on making sure that everyone turned their backs on Puck.
But despite all of that, Finn still had the gall to be offended at Kurt not wanting to hear another apology. And that amazed Kurt.
Maybe it was just his mood. Maybe it was because he was angry with Puck. Maybe it was because he was fed up with Finn here lately. Whatever it was, Kurt was irritated.
However, he was bound and determined to make it though this rehearsal. So he forced himself to smile back, forced himself to swallow the desire to snap at Finn. And if it took every last ounce of self-control he possessed to not let on that something was wrong, then so be it. He would make it through the next forty-five minutes.
He couldn’t fall apart or lose it in front of anyone but especially not Finn.
So Kurt took a deep breath as his forced smile began to make his cheeks ache. “Tell me, what song did you select?”
Finn walked up next to Kurt as he was setting his bag down next to the piano. And Kurt couldn’t help notice that there was a slight bounce to the other boy’s step. Finn obviously hadn’t noticed Kurt’s irritation or strain. He was, as always, completely clueless.
Kurt only just managed to keep himself from rolling his eyes.
“So… I’ve been practicing. And I think I’ve got a good handle on my solo.” Finn stood next to the piano, tapping on the top like a drummer practicing a favorite rhythm. “And since you said I was good with the classic rock when we did the ballads, I decided to stick with something like that.” His hands stopped moving, leaving them both in silence.
When Finn didn’t continue, Kurt realized that he was waiting for Kurt to say something. It was almost as it the other boy was looking for reassurance. And even though Kurt really didn’t have it in him to make sure that Finn’s feelings were ok, Kurt shrugged a little in encouragement. “Sounds good. What is it?”
Kurt’s lip service seemed to have done its job, because Finn smiled a little bit. “Under Pressure. By Queen.” The last of the excitement that had filled Finn’s steps and restless hands melted away, leaving him looking somber. “Cause, well, you know…”
“Yes, I do.” Kurt didn’t try to smile or act reassuring.
After what Finn had done, not only the day before, but also the way he’d acted over the past couple of weeks, Kurt didn’t feel like sympathizing or commiserating with him. Because when it came down to it, Finn had brought on a lot of the stress and pressure himself.
Not all of course. After all, things had been… ok after Sectionals. Not great, of course. But things in the glee club had been slowly but surely working themselves out. And Kurt was pretty sure that, in time, life would have returned to normal. Sure, Puck and Finn probably wouldn’t have patched things up. And Finn wouldn’t have welcomed Quinn back with open arms. But things had been bound to get better eventually.
But since Quinn’s miscarriage, Finn had… changed.
He was surly and territorial, almost as if he wanted to keep everyone and everything to himself. Or more aptly… away from Puck.
And Kurt could understand Finn being upset, he really could. But it seemed like the closer he and Puck grew, the harder Finn tried to pull them apart.
The harder Finn tried to make Puck miserable.
And just as that thought crossed his mind, Kurt realized something. Something that, in retrospect, he knew he should have figured out before. Because really, now that Kurt looked back over the past few weeks, it was horribly, painfully obvious.
Finn was using him.
Against Puck.
That was the only reason Finn had been paying so much attention to Kurt as of late.
And when Kurt looked into Finn’s soft brown eyes, it was as if he’d woken from some dream. And he was seeing, really seeing the other boy for the first time. The rose-colored glasses he’d been wearing for so long were shattered, and there Finn was…
An angry, upset teenage boy that had used Kurt simply because he was mad at the world.
But even though it broke his heart to know that Finn had played him, Kurt found that he couldn’t summon up any real anger or sadness. Because at that moment, his eyes had locked with Finn’s and Kurt had come to an even more important realization.
He didn’t love Finn anymore.
Hadn’t for a while actually.
And that hurt so much that it took Kurt’s breath away.
It wasn’t that he cared about losing his crush on Finn, because to be honest, he didn’t really feel anything as he looked at him. Instead, Kurt felt as if he was grieving the loss of a piece of himself.
Finn was his first love, and the loss of that left a gaping hole in Kurt’s heart. It left him feeling empty and little more broken than he had been when he’d walked into the auditorium.
“So, uh…” Finn was still staring at Kurt, and it was obvious that he could tell something was wrong. His eyebrows were pulled together, and he was searching Kurt’s face for an answer. But thankfully, he didn’t press the matter. “Should we get started?”
“I…” Kurt pursed his lips together as a fresh wave of pain and heartache flooded through his body. “I don’t think that this is such a good idea after all.” His voice was strained, but Kurt was resolute. “I think you should find someone else to work with.”
“But dude, it’s already Tuesday.” It was clear from Finn’s voice that he was exasperated and just a little shocked. And Kurt wondered if Finn had thought that he would never realize that he was being used. Like maybe he could have gone on using Kurt as a tool against Puck for as long as he wanted.
“Yes and glee isn’t until Thursday. You’ve got time.” Kurt bent over to pick up his bag, but his eyes never left Finn’s face. “And my name is not dude.” He emphasized the last word with as much disgust as he possibly could. “How many times do I need to say that?”
“Kurt.” He pronounced the word in such a way that Kurt wondered if Finn thought saying his name instead of ‘dude’ would make anything right. As Finn waited for a response, he gripped the top of the piano, his knuckles white, and Kurt could tell that the other boy was desperately trying to control his anger. He began clenching and unclenching his fingers, and Kurt could see the lines of Finn’s jaw tightening.
The sight of Finn growing steadily angrier caused something inside of Kurt to break. However, it wasn’t his heart, because at that point, Kurt was well beyond heartbreak. Instead, it was something much deeper, something that didn’t really have a name. But if Kurt was forced to put a name to it, he would have said it was his spirit.
Because really, what else was there besides your heart and soul?
Kurt could feel his throat tightening painfully and his eyes prickle with the ache of unshed tears. But there was no way that he’d allow Finn to see him crying. The thought of that was just too much.
In an effort to try and save his pride, Kurt took a deep breath, willing his voice to stay steady. “Call Rachel. I’m sure she’d be more than happy to help.” His voice cracked ever so slightly on the last word, but he wasn’t finished. And taking one more steadying breath, Kurt prayed that he could finish before he lost the ability to speak altogether. “But do me a favor. Make sure you apologize for blowing her off first.”
Finn didn’t say a word. Didn’t even blink. Instead, he just stared at Kurt with total disbelief in his eyes.
Kurt slung his bag over his shoulder, giving Finn a couple of seconds to try and redeem himself. But when he didn’t say anything, Kurt turned around and walked out of the auditorium, his head held defiantly high.
However, as Kurt began walking down the steps that led up to the stage, his tears began to fall.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The second Kurt pulled into his driveway and turned off the Navigator, he finally allowed himself to give in, really give in. Because up until then, Kurt’s tears had been quiet and restrained.
After leaving the auditorium, he’d walked down the hall to his locker to grab his things. After that, he’d made it out of the school without being noticed by anyone who had still been lingering around. And as he drove home, Kurt had fought to keep himself calm so that he could drive safely. He’d wiped away his tears, making sure to focus on the road and oncoming traffic.
But the moment Kurt was safe in his own driveway, he felt the tears flow faster and more freely, the emotion quickly taking over and wracking his body with gut-wrenching sobs.
Kurt didn’t even try to hold back the tears, allowing all of the pain and heartache to seep out of himself. Unable to sit up straight any longer, Kurt reached forward and grabbed onto the first thing his hands touched, the steering wheel. And gripping it tightly, Kurt leaned forward and pressed his forehead into his knuckles.
Trapped inside the confines of the car, Kurt’s sobs seemed to fill up the space around him, making it hard for him to breathe. And as the stagnant air became unbearable, Kurt pushed open the car door and stumbled out, leaving his bag and cell phone behind.
After several failed attempts at getting the front door open, Kurt went inside and headed straight to the kitchen. Not able to think properly, he paced back and forth in front of the refrigerator, rubbing his arms as if he could soothe away his own pain.
On his eighth pass in front of the appliance, Kurt remembered April Rhodes and her time with the glee club. Oh, her stay had been short and for lack of a better word, eventful, but she’d left a lasting impression nonetheless. Not only on them as singers, but on Kurt himself as well.
She’d given him vintage muscle magazines and a daily dose of liquid courage.
Looking back, Kurt couldn’t remember what April had given him to drink. All he knew was that one shot had been enough to burn the back of his throat painfully. Kurt couldn’t even really remember what the alcohol had tasted like other than that it was terrible.
But as bad as it had tasted…
It had left Kurt feeling confident and strong for a little bit before making him feel numbed from the inside out. Of course, the numbness had eventually given way to nausea and an unfortunate incident with Miss Pillsbury’s shoes. And there’d been a hangover to deal with the next day. But for just a while, he’d been blissfully numb to everything.
And as all of the hurt, pain and anger coursed through his body, Kurt wanted nothing more than to make it all go away, to feel that nothingness again. He would deal with the nausea and hangover when they came. In fact, he’d welcome them with open arms if it meant that he could stop feeling.
Even if it was only for a little while.
His mind made up, Kurt stopped pacing and wiped away the tears that were still streaming down his face. Under his fingertips, his cheeks felt warm and puffy, and Kurt didn’t have to see himself to know that he was all red and blotchy. Which, of course, only made matters worse.
Swallowing a sob, Kurt reached out and pulled the refrigerator door open. The moment he did, the area around him was bathed in chilly fluorescent light. And standing in the glow of it, Kurt felt like he was standing in some demented spotlight that served to highlight just how cold and alone he was.
Not stopping to re-think his decision, Kurt reached for the small drawer that his dad always said was “off limits.” As he pulled it open, the refrigerator’s light flickered ominously, almost as if it knew what Kurt was about to do. And even though it was merely a failing bulb, it was almost like a warning, like the appliance was giving him a chance to stop, walk away.
But Kurt wasn’t in the mood for cryptic messages from his subconscious, because he’d made up his mind. And he wasn’t about to change it.
Kurt looked into the small drawer at the six bottles of Goose Island beer staring up at him. The white goose at the center of the black, white, and red label seemed to be accusing him of something. It was almost as if it knew the contents of its bottle were off limits to Kurt. And that only fueled his anger and determination more.
So even though he knew it was ridiculous, Kurt gave the goose a dirty look before plunging his hand into the cold drawer. The second his fingers wrapped around the chilly neck of the bottle, Kurt felt his heartbeat speed up so much that he was surprised it didn’t pop out of his throat. And despite the fact that he knew the organ was still firmly planted in his chest, Kurt swallowed as if he were trying to push it back down.
With the bottle in hand, Kurt straightened up and tried to twist the cap off with his hand. The sharp metal teeth of the bottle cap bit into Kurt’s palm, stubbornly refusing to move. And as the pain radiated through his soft skin, Kurt couldn’t even be bothered to spare a curse or stop to look at the wound. Instead, he instinctively crossed the kitchen and pulled open the utensil drawer.
The bottle opener was buried under the spatula and barely took him two seconds to find. And the moment he did, Kurt pulled it out and placed it over the cap of the beer. With one pull, the little barrier was wrenched free. It fell to the ground and clinked metallically a few times before landing prong side up on the linoleum.
The newly opened bottle felt slippery in Kurt’s palm, a thin sheen of cool sweat already forming on the outside of it. Kurt tightened his grip on the bottle, telling himself that it was because he didn’t want it to slip out of his grasp and not because his hands had just started shaking.
After one more look at the goose on the label, Kurt raised the bottle to his lips and drained it as quickly as he possibly could. The cold liquid poured down his throat, assaulting his senses and offending his palette. It tasted terrible and made him gag slightly, but Kurt wasn’t about to let that derail his plan, his escape.
When the bottle was empty, Kurt all but tossed it into the sink and grabbed another. Whatever April had given him had been strong enough to numb him with one shot. And while he didn’t know that much about alcohol, Kurt did know that beer was pretty weak compared to other things.
And he wasn’t about to take any chances.
Kurt wanted all of the pain and agony to go away, and he was pretty sure that no matter how much of a lightweight he was, one beer wasn’t going to cut it.
With the second bottle empty and in the sink with the other, Kurt reached for another.
Squeeka Cuomo’s Notes
- The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- Important: I’m having some major computer issues. So, as of right now, I don’t know when the next chapter will be up. Please bear with me. I’m not abandoning this story. I just might not be able to post for a while. :’(
- To every single person who has read this story, whether you’ve left a review or not, THANK YOU. I’m blown away by all of your love and support.
- Quack: Beta of beta’s. Thank you SO much. I really couldn’t do this without you.
- Reviews are love.
Put Me Back Together
Chapter 1: Kiss Me Goodbye
Chapter 2: Of Soirees and Sarongs
Chapter 3: Not So Subtle
Chapter 4: Late Arrivals
Chapter 5: Breaking Point
Chapter 6: Empty Hallway
Chapter 7: Cleaning up the Mess
Chapter 8: Dirty Laundry
Chapter 9: Gossip Mongers
Chapter 10: Just Breathe
Chapter 11: Damon Salvatore vs. Dexter Morgan
Chapter 12: Cloudy - Chance of Tension
Chapter 13: Pocket Squares
Chapter 14: All Apologies
Chapter 15: The “F” Word