(Put Me Back Together) The "F" Word (15/?)
Title: Put Me Back Together
Part: Chapter 15: The “F” Word
Author: Squeeka Cuomo
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Puck, Burt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Emma Pillsbury, Will Schuester, Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Brittany, Mike Chang, Matt Rutherford
Author’s Note: The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- I know there are tons of spoilers out for the upcoming episodes. Please don’t post them in the comments.
Warning: This takes place directly after “Sectionals.” Everything up to that point is considered fair game. There are spoilers if you haven’t seen the first 13 episodes.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: All it takes is one moment to break Kurt apart. How many will it take to put not only himself but Puck back together?
Put Me Back TogetherChapter 15: The “F” Word
Kurt stood before the piano in the choir room, his fingers poised over the keys. But rather than allow his hands to glide over the black and white steps, Kurt pressed down on only one key. As he did, a clear C rang out through the room. With the last of the sound still resonating from the piano, Kurt took a deep breath before matching the tone with his own voice. When the room was silent once again, he moved onto the next note.
Class had let out about ten minutes ago, but rather than go straight to the auditorium to meet Finn, Kurt had all but run to the choir room. He’d told himself that it was because he wanted a few minutes alone to warm up and that Finn would probably be late anyway.
But deep down… Kurt knew that that wasn’t why he’d escaped to the glee club’s rehearsal room.
No, the real reason he’d gone there was so that he could clear his mind a bit before meeting with Finn. Because Kurt had had, to say the least, a very rough day.
Quinn, despite her breakdown the day before, had shown up right after first period. And her presence had set off a gossip storm that had followed Kurt wherever he’d gone.
Kurt knew that that wasn’t Quinn’s fault, but the constant sea of tension had everyone in the glee club on edge. Brittany had been even loopier than usual, flat out telling Mr. Schuester that her homework wasn’t done because she hadn’t had a chance to copy it from Santana yet. And Artie, well-mannered, even-tempered Artie, had snapped at Tina when she’d asked for a napkin at lunch. But as high-strung as everyone had been, Finn and Puck had been, by far, the worst.
Finn had spent his day ignoring Kurt, which, surprisingly enough, really didn’t bother him all that much. But even though he didn’t care, Kurt hadn’t been able to completely stop himself from feeling slightly put out about it. After all, he was doing Finn a favor. The least Finn could do would have been to acknowledge his presence.
But no, nothing.
Not even the “Hey, Hummel,” that he’d once adored.
And where Finn had ignored Kurt all day…
Puck had gone out of his way to avoid him.
Whenever Kurt had seen Puck in the halls, he’d tried to get the other boy’s attention. But Puck had managed to stay away from him, ducking into random classrooms and averting his eyes whenever Kurt had been near. And as much as it irritated Kurt, it also hurt his feelings. He’d thought that they were…. Well, Kurt didn’t really know what he thought they were. But he had thought they were beyond childish stunts like ignoring and avoiding one another.
So after having spent most of his lunch period trying to figure out just what exactly Puck’s problem was, Kurt had come to a conclusion. And that was that Puck’s behavior must have been because of the… not hug. Because it hadn’t been really a hug per se. But labeling it as such had been so much easier than admitting what it really had been.
And when it came down to it, Kurt hadn’t hugged Puck. He’d held him.
More than that though, they’d held each other.
Looking back, Kurt had realized that it had been too much too soon. After all, besides the kiss they’d shared, they’d barely touched before. Sure, there had been a few times but never anything so intimate as physically reaching out and pulling Puck towards his body (and vice versa).
At the time, it had felt right, natural. And Puck had wanted, no, needed the contact as well, if not more so even.
But as Kurt had continued to think about it, he was pretty sure that he’d stepped over the invisible line that was between them. He’d broached the tentative connection they’d built up before it was ready to support any weight, and Kurt had fallen through. And the landing that was his realization had been painful.
So painful that he’d spent the rest of the day trying to hide himself from view. Not just from Puck but also from anyone he knew. He’d felt dirty, and Kurt had refused to be seen looking anything less that pristine.
The moment the last bell of the day had rung, Kurt had taken off for the choir room, praying that no one he knew saw him or tried to stop him. And thankfully, no one had.
Kurt moved his fingers from the D to the E, pressing down harder than was really necessary. The note trembled through the room, sounding as if it were angry at the world. Right away, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to match his voice to it; it just wasn’t right. So Kurt let it die away. Listening to the tone dissipate, Kurt closed his eyes, feeling irritated and stressed but more importantly, drained.
More than anything, Kurt needed a break from everyone and everything. He needed time to clear his muddled brain in order to gain some perspective on the situation at hand. But sadly, Kurt knew all too well that such a break from reality wasn’t going to happen. So he would just have to make do with stolen moments where he could just breathe and be alone…
“Hey.” Puck’s voice was low and rough, almost worried. And though Kurt’s eyes were still closed, he knew that the other boy was close.
He didn’t answer, just kept his eyes pressed tightly shut. And for just a moment he laughed inside. It would figure that the moment he wanted to be alone the most, Puck would finally show up.
“To what do I owe the honor?” Kurt’s voice was light, but it was laced with sarcasm. And Kurt kicked himself mentally, because he didn’t need to look at Puck to know that he’d said too much, given too much away. Sighing heavily, Kurt opened his eyes. But instead of looking over at Puck, he studied the black and white piano keys.
“Look, man, I’m sorry.” And oddly enough, Puck really did sound apologetic. Which was just enough for Kurt to completely ignore Puck’s horrendous use of the word “man.” But it wasn’t enough to make him look up from the piano keys. “I just thought that…” Puck’s voice trailed off, and Kurt fought against himself to keep his head down. “That after yesterday you wouldn’t want people to see us… together.” Puck finished lamely, as if it hurt him to admit that.
“What?” Kurt’s head snapped up, his gaze landing directly on the top of Puck’s mohawk-ed head. Puck was looking down, his head hanging in shame.
Much to Kurt’s surprise, the other boy was leaning on the piano only a few inches away from him. How Puck of all people had managed to sneak into the room and get that close undetected, Kurt would never know. But after what Puck had just said, that was beside the point, because Kurt was totally shocked by Puck’s reasoning. It was so far off from what he’d expected that Kurt could hardly believe it. “Why would I? We’re…”
At that, Puck lifted his head and stared into Kurt’s eyes. It was clear that he was waiting for Kurt to finish his thought, to put a name to what they were. And from the questioning look in Puck’s gaze, Kurt almost felt as if Puck was begging him to define just what was going on between them.
But Kurt didn’t have an answer.
In fact, he didn’t have the slightest clue.
Sure, Kurt could have said that they were friends, but were they? After all, they didn’t sit together in the cafeteria at lunch or help one another study. And they didn’t go to the movies together or talk fashion like he and Mercedes did.
But if they weren’t friends, and it certainly didn’t feel like they were, what did that leave? Enemies? They’d been there and done that, and whatever they were now, it most definitely wasn’t enemies.
With friends and enemies out of the picture, what then did that leave?
They certainly weren’t apathetic towards one another. They were also more than mere acquaintances. However… they weren’t dating or going steady. And really, Kurt could barely bring himself to admit that he…
He didn’t even know.
But what Kurt did know was that he’d come to care for Puck. How much, he wasn’t sure. And honestly, he didn’t think he really wanted to know. As it was, Puck had turned his world upside down, and Kurt was still trying to adjust to the changes that Puck had brought about in his life thus far. And he just didn’t know if he could handle any more.
So rather than try to find an answer to Puck’s question, one that would truly sum up what they were, Kurt changed the subject.
“How does your lip feel?” When Puck’s face fell in disappointment, Kurt felt his stomach clench painfully. He knew Puck had wanted some sort of insight into what was going on between them, but Kurt just didn’t have any to give.
“Fine.” The disappointment Kurt had seen on Puck’s face was even more evident in his voice.
“It looks like it’s healing well.” And it did. Puck’s bottom lip was a touch puffy with a purple tinge and had a tiny scab running down it. But other than that, it looked fine.
Puck didn’t respond. Instead, he stared at Kurt with searching eyes that seemed to reach into the depths of Kurt’s soul. And it was so intense that Kurt couldn’t handle it.
Deep down, Kurt knew that Puck was searching him for some sign or answer about what was going on between them. And it was just too much, too probing, so rather than allow Puck to keep searching, Kurt dropped his eyes back to the piano keys.
Unable to think of anything to say, Kurt slid his fingertips over the notes, taking care not to press any of them down. And as he continued to stare at the keys, Kurt felt himself growing steadily tenser as the silence grew increasingly uncomfortable. It was as if the room around them was crackling with energy that was just waiting to be released so that it could flare out and zap someone.
In the space of a few seconds, the room had grown so dense and uncomfortable that Kurt realized there was no possible way that they were both going to walk away unscathed.
It just wasn’t possible.
Too much had been said and unsaid, and Kurt could feel the anxiety of that bubbling under his skin.
“Umh…” The word came out before Kurt could stop it. And as it hung in the haze between them, he wished that he could take it back. Because it meant nothing, said nothing, and had only come out, because Kurt could no longer stand the silence.
But thankfully, that one small sound seemed to have had some effect on Puck, because Kurt could hear him moving around next to him. Kurt wanted to look up, to see what the other boy was doing, but he was afraid to move.
“So, uh…” Puck still sounded upset, but Kurt was beyond grateful that the other boy was talking. And as his voice trailed off, Kurt tried to sneak a peak at him through the cover of his eyelashes. From what Kurt could see, Puck was still leaning on the piano, but now he was running his right hand over his mohawk as if it would help soothe his nerves. “What are you doin’ in here?” Puck dropped his hand and his arm back on the piano.
“I, umh…” Kurt didn’t want to say why he was in the choir room, but he knew he had to. “I’m warming up.” He tried to keep his voice light, hoping that Puck wouldn’t read anything into it. But Kurt wasn’t sure if he’d been successful.
“What for?” Puck sounded confused, and Kurt could no longer stop himself from looking up. Because of all the possible reactions he’d expected from Puck, confusion wasn’t among them. “It’s Tuesday. Glee isn’t until Thursday.” Puck was now looking at him as if he’d forgotten something.
Kurt just stared at Puck, his mouth opening and closing as he realized that Puck had forgotten about Finn’s asking for help with his Free For All solo. “I’m helping Finn with Mr. Schuester’s assignment today.” Kurt tried to sound nonchalant, like it didn’t matter that he was meeting with Finn.
But he was positive that he’d failed.
Puck’s eyes narrowed instantly, but mixed in with the irritation, Kurt saw hurt. But when Puck spoke, he managed to hide that, burying it deep beneath the anger. “You’re still going to help him. Even after yesterday.”
It wasn’t a question.
Just a statement of the obvious.
And it left Kurt wondering just what Puck thought was going on between them. Because, at that moment, Kurt realized that Puck felt… betrayed. It was almost as if Puck had expected him to stay away from Finn for him.
The next second, before Kurt knew what he was doing, he was speaking, asking Puck the question that had been bothering him for weeks. “Why did you kiss me?” His voice was soft, but he was positive that Puck had heard him. “I mean, did you… did you think I was Quinn or… or something?” When Kurt said the girl’s name, his hands started shaking slightly. It had been so long since he’d thought about the kiss that Kurt could hardly believe how worried he was to hear the answer.
“Yeah, I did.” Puck’s eyes were wide, as if he hadn’t expected to be asked that particular question. “But after I realized it was you…” He moved forward, closing the small distance between them. “It was so dark, and we were all pumped up from the performance that I just thought… why not?”
Puck was barely an inch away from Kurt, but as Puck’s words sank in, Kurt felt as if he was a million miles away from him. And in that far away place, his fingers and toes went numb, and he was struggling to breathe. With each breath he attempted to take, the tighter his lungs became, denying him the oxygen he so desperately needed.
“I was a ‘why not.’” Kurt spoke in a soft whisper of disbelief to himself. “My first kiss was a ‘why not.’”
Even though Puck was right in front of him, Kurt was focused on the past, his clear blue eyes seeing their kiss in a whole new and completely hideous light. And as all of the sensations, once so moving and profound, flooded through his veins, Kurt felt the acrid burn of bile rising in the back of his throat. It was as if he’d been smacked, the rug pulled out from under him, and every other cliché possibly imaginable.
As Kurt’s mind quickly fast-forwarded through everything that had happened over the past few weeks, his chest began to heave painfully, the effort of trying to breathe burning his overtaxed lungs. And just as his brain finished its trip down memory lane, Kurt came to the heartbreaking realization of just how hard he’d really fallen for Puck.
Because there was no way that Puck’s explanation would have hurt this much otherwise.
It just wasn’t possible.
Kurt wanted to move, to run, to try and save a shred of his dignity, but he could barely breathe let alone walk. He couldn’t even bring himself to object when he felt Puck’s fingertips brush over his cheek before pushing his bangs back. The touch left a traitorous path of gentle tingles behind it, and as the feeling lingered, Kurt couldn’t help but think, “Why is this happening? Why me? Just… why?”
With the question still echoing painfully through his mind, Kurt barely noticed as Puck slid his fingertips over his cheek once again. It wasn’t until Puck whispered in Kurt’s ear that he regained any sort of conscious function.
“Just at first.” Puck’s voice was so soft, no more than a whisper against Kurt’s cheek. And Kurt found himself shocked by the raw sincerity of the words. Unfortunately though, the damage was already done. “Because I never expec-”
“No.” Kurt’s voice was low, but there was no mistaking his anger and resolve. And as he said it, Kurt slapped Puck’s hand away from his cheek. The smack left the back of Kurt’s hand stinging, but the pain he felt was nothing compared to the anguish in Puck’s eyes.
Puck looked upset and desperate, but there was also a touch of resignation in his dark brown gaze. Not blinking, he lifted his hands as if in surrender, his eyes begging Kurt to listen. “Please, just let me -”
Before Puck could get any further, Kurt held up one hand of his own. “Stop.” His voice was shaking, and no matter how hard he tried, Kurt couldn’t control it. “I don’t want to hear it. Or anything for that matter.”
And he didn’t.
He really, really didn’t.
Puck, amazingly enough, just dropped his hands in defeat, not saying another word. Instead, he stared at Kurt, his dark eyes full of apology.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Kurt bent over and grabbed his coat and bag off of the piano bench with so much force that it teetered precariously for a few seconds. “I’m late for my meeting with Finn.” Kurt placed as much emphasis on Finn’s name as he possibly could, hoping that it would cut Puck to the quick.
And from the angry look on the other boy’s face, it had done just that. But even though his words had had their intended affect, Kurt felt guilty as Puck stood there staring at him, his jaw clenched together in anger.
Before Puck could say anything else, Kurt turned on his heel and stormed towards the choir room door with his head held high. However, before he could walk through it, Puck called out to him one last time.
“He’ll never love you.”
The anger that had been in Puck’s eyes flowed through his words, leaving Kurt feeling as if he’d been punched in the stomach. If Puck had meant to hurt him, he’d done just that.
Spinning around, Kurt took one look at Puck leaning against the piano before sneering, “Neither will you.”
And with that, Kurt left the room, not looking back once. Just as he was about halfway down the hall, Kurt head a loud clanking of piano keys come from the choir room.
Squeeka Cuomo’s Notes
- The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- To everyone who has been following this story, THANK YOU. Your support means more than I can say. :duck:
- Quack: As always, thank you.
- Reviews are love.
Put Me Back Together
Chapter 1: Kiss Me Goodbye
Chapter 2: Of Soirees and Sarongs
Chapter 3: Not So Subtle
Chapter 4: Late Arrivals
Chapter 5: Breaking Point
Chapter 6: Empty Hallway
Chapter 7: Cleaning up the Mess
Chapter 8: Dirty Laundry
Chapter 9: Gossip Mongers
Chapter 10: Just Breathe
Chapter 11: Damon Salvatore vs. Dexter Morgan
Chapter 12: Cloudy - Chance of Tension
Chapter 13: Pocket Squares
Chapter 14: All Apologies
Part: Chapter 15: The “F” Word
Author: Squeeka Cuomo
Rating: PG
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Kurt/Puck, Burt Hummel, Mercedes Jones, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Emma Pillsbury, Will Schuester, Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams, Rachel Berry, Santana Lopez, Brittany, Mike Chang, Matt Rutherford
Author’s Note: The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- I know there are tons of spoilers out for the upcoming episodes. Please don’t post them in the comments.
Warning: This takes place directly after “Sectionals.” Everything up to that point is considered fair game. There are spoilers if you haven’t seen the first 13 episodes.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: All it takes is one moment to break Kurt apart. How many will it take to put not only himself but Puck back together?
Put Me Back TogetherChapter 15: The “F” Word
Kurt stood before the piano in the choir room, his fingers poised over the keys. But rather than allow his hands to glide over the black and white steps, Kurt pressed down on only one key. As he did, a clear C rang out through the room. With the last of the sound still resonating from the piano, Kurt took a deep breath before matching the tone with his own voice. When the room was silent once again, he moved onto the next note.
Class had let out about ten minutes ago, but rather than go straight to the auditorium to meet Finn, Kurt had all but run to the choir room. He’d told himself that it was because he wanted a few minutes alone to warm up and that Finn would probably be late anyway.
But deep down… Kurt knew that that wasn’t why he’d escaped to the glee club’s rehearsal room.
No, the real reason he’d gone there was so that he could clear his mind a bit before meeting with Finn. Because Kurt had had, to say the least, a very rough day.
Quinn, despite her breakdown the day before, had shown up right after first period. And her presence had set off a gossip storm that had followed Kurt wherever he’d gone.
Kurt knew that that wasn’t Quinn’s fault, but the constant sea of tension had everyone in the glee club on edge. Brittany had been even loopier than usual, flat out telling Mr. Schuester that her homework wasn’t done because she hadn’t had a chance to copy it from Santana yet. And Artie, well-mannered, even-tempered Artie, had snapped at Tina when she’d asked for a napkin at lunch. But as high-strung as everyone had been, Finn and Puck had been, by far, the worst.
Finn had spent his day ignoring Kurt, which, surprisingly enough, really didn’t bother him all that much. But even though he didn’t care, Kurt hadn’t been able to completely stop himself from feeling slightly put out about it. After all, he was doing Finn a favor. The least Finn could do would have been to acknowledge his presence.
But no, nothing.
Not even the “Hey, Hummel,” that he’d once adored.
And where Finn had ignored Kurt all day…
Puck had gone out of his way to avoid him.
Whenever Kurt had seen Puck in the halls, he’d tried to get the other boy’s attention. But Puck had managed to stay away from him, ducking into random classrooms and averting his eyes whenever Kurt had been near. And as much as it irritated Kurt, it also hurt his feelings. He’d thought that they were…. Well, Kurt didn’t really know what he thought they were. But he had thought they were beyond childish stunts like ignoring and avoiding one another.
So after having spent most of his lunch period trying to figure out just what exactly Puck’s problem was, Kurt had come to a conclusion. And that was that Puck’s behavior must have been because of the… not hug. Because it hadn’t been really a hug per se. But labeling it as such had been so much easier than admitting what it really had been.
And when it came down to it, Kurt hadn’t hugged Puck. He’d held him.
More than that though, they’d held each other.
Looking back, Kurt had realized that it had been too much too soon. After all, besides the kiss they’d shared, they’d barely touched before. Sure, there had been a few times but never anything so intimate as physically reaching out and pulling Puck towards his body (and vice versa).
At the time, it had felt right, natural. And Puck had wanted, no, needed the contact as well, if not more so even.
But as Kurt had continued to think about it, he was pretty sure that he’d stepped over the invisible line that was between them. He’d broached the tentative connection they’d built up before it was ready to support any weight, and Kurt had fallen through. And the landing that was his realization had been painful.
So painful that he’d spent the rest of the day trying to hide himself from view. Not just from Puck but also from anyone he knew. He’d felt dirty, and Kurt had refused to be seen looking anything less that pristine.
The moment the last bell of the day had rung, Kurt had taken off for the choir room, praying that no one he knew saw him or tried to stop him. And thankfully, no one had.
Kurt moved his fingers from the D to the E, pressing down harder than was really necessary. The note trembled through the room, sounding as if it were angry at the world. Right away, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to match his voice to it; it just wasn’t right. So Kurt let it die away. Listening to the tone dissipate, Kurt closed his eyes, feeling irritated and stressed but more importantly, drained.
More than anything, Kurt needed a break from everyone and everything. He needed time to clear his muddled brain in order to gain some perspective on the situation at hand. But sadly, Kurt knew all too well that such a break from reality wasn’t going to happen. So he would just have to make do with stolen moments where he could just breathe and be alone…
“Hey.” Puck’s voice was low and rough, almost worried. And though Kurt’s eyes were still closed, he knew that the other boy was close.
He didn’t answer, just kept his eyes pressed tightly shut. And for just a moment he laughed inside. It would figure that the moment he wanted to be alone the most, Puck would finally show up.
“To what do I owe the honor?” Kurt’s voice was light, but it was laced with sarcasm. And Kurt kicked himself mentally, because he didn’t need to look at Puck to know that he’d said too much, given too much away. Sighing heavily, Kurt opened his eyes. But instead of looking over at Puck, he studied the black and white piano keys.
“Look, man, I’m sorry.” And oddly enough, Puck really did sound apologetic. Which was just enough for Kurt to completely ignore Puck’s horrendous use of the word “man.” But it wasn’t enough to make him look up from the piano keys. “I just thought that…” Puck’s voice trailed off, and Kurt fought against himself to keep his head down. “That after yesterday you wouldn’t want people to see us… together.” Puck finished lamely, as if it hurt him to admit that.
“What?” Kurt’s head snapped up, his gaze landing directly on the top of Puck’s mohawk-ed head. Puck was looking down, his head hanging in shame.
Much to Kurt’s surprise, the other boy was leaning on the piano only a few inches away from him. How Puck of all people had managed to sneak into the room and get that close undetected, Kurt would never know. But after what Puck had just said, that was beside the point, because Kurt was totally shocked by Puck’s reasoning. It was so far off from what he’d expected that Kurt could hardly believe it. “Why would I? We’re…”
At that, Puck lifted his head and stared into Kurt’s eyes. It was clear that he was waiting for Kurt to finish his thought, to put a name to what they were. And from the questioning look in Puck’s gaze, Kurt almost felt as if Puck was begging him to define just what was going on between them.
But Kurt didn’t have an answer.
In fact, he didn’t have the slightest clue.
Sure, Kurt could have said that they were friends, but were they? After all, they didn’t sit together in the cafeteria at lunch or help one another study. And they didn’t go to the movies together or talk fashion like he and Mercedes did.
But if they weren’t friends, and it certainly didn’t feel like they were, what did that leave? Enemies? They’d been there and done that, and whatever they were now, it most definitely wasn’t enemies.
With friends and enemies out of the picture, what then did that leave?
They certainly weren’t apathetic towards one another. They were also more than mere acquaintances. However… they weren’t dating or going steady. And really, Kurt could barely bring himself to admit that he…
He didn’t even know.
But what Kurt did know was that he’d come to care for Puck. How much, he wasn’t sure. And honestly, he didn’t think he really wanted to know. As it was, Puck had turned his world upside down, and Kurt was still trying to adjust to the changes that Puck had brought about in his life thus far. And he just didn’t know if he could handle any more.
So rather than try to find an answer to Puck’s question, one that would truly sum up what they were, Kurt changed the subject.
“How does your lip feel?” When Puck’s face fell in disappointment, Kurt felt his stomach clench painfully. He knew Puck had wanted some sort of insight into what was going on between them, but Kurt just didn’t have any to give.
“Fine.” The disappointment Kurt had seen on Puck’s face was even more evident in his voice.
“It looks like it’s healing well.” And it did. Puck’s bottom lip was a touch puffy with a purple tinge and had a tiny scab running down it. But other than that, it looked fine.
Puck didn’t respond. Instead, he stared at Kurt with searching eyes that seemed to reach into the depths of Kurt’s soul. And it was so intense that Kurt couldn’t handle it.
Deep down, Kurt knew that Puck was searching him for some sign or answer about what was going on between them. And it was just too much, too probing, so rather than allow Puck to keep searching, Kurt dropped his eyes back to the piano keys.
Unable to think of anything to say, Kurt slid his fingertips over the notes, taking care not to press any of them down. And as he continued to stare at the keys, Kurt felt himself growing steadily tenser as the silence grew increasingly uncomfortable. It was as if the room around them was crackling with energy that was just waiting to be released so that it could flare out and zap someone.
In the space of a few seconds, the room had grown so dense and uncomfortable that Kurt realized there was no possible way that they were both going to walk away unscathed.
It just wasn’t possible.
Too much had been said and unsaid, and Kurt could feel the anxiety of that bubbling under his skin.
“Umh…” The word came out before Kurt could stop it. And as it hung in the haze between them, he wished that he could take it back. Because it meant nothing, said nothing, and had only come out, because Kurt could no longer stand the silence.
But thankfully, that one small sound seemed to have had some effect on Puck, because Kurt could hear him moving around next to him. Kurt wanted to look up, to see what the other boy was doing, but he was afraid to move.
“So, uh…” Puck still sounded upset, but Kurt was beyond grateful that the other boy was talking. And as his voice trailed off, Kurt tried to sneak a peak at him through the cover of his eyelashes. From what Kurt could see, Puck was still leaning on the piano, but now he was running his right hand over his mohawk as if it would help soothe his nerves. “What are you doin’ in here?” Puck dropped his hand and his arm back on the piano.
“I, umh…” Kurt didn’t want to say why he was in the choir room, but he knew he had to. “I’m warming up.” He tried to keep his voice light, hoping that Puck wouldn’t read anything into it. But Kurt wasn’t sure if he’d been successful.
“What for?” Puck sounded confused, and Kurt could no longer stop himself from looking up. Because of all the possible reactions he’d expected from Puck, confusion wasn’t among them. “It’s Tuesday. Glee isn’t until Thursday.” Puck was now looking at him as if he’d forgotten something.
Kurt just stared at Puck, his mouth opening and closing as he realized that Puck had forgotten about Finn’s asking for help with his Free For All solo. “I’m helping Finn with Mr. Schuester’s assignment today.” Kurt tried to sound nonchalant, like it didn’t matter that he was meeting with Finn.
But he was positive that he’d failed.
Puck’s eyes narrowed instantly, but mixed in with the irritation, Kurt saw hurt. But when Puck spoke, he managed to hide that, burying it deep beneath the anger. “You’re still going to help him. Even after yesterday.”
It wasn’t a question.
Just a statement of the obvious.
And it left Kurt wondering just what Puck thought was going on between them. Because, at that moment, Kurt realized that Puck felt… betrayed. It was almost as if Puck had expected him to stay away from Finn for him.
The next second, before Kurt knew what he was doing, he was speaking, asking Puck the question that had been bothering him for weeks. “Why did you kiss me?” His voice was soft, but he was positive that Puck had heard him. “I mean, did you… did you think I was Quinn or… or something?” When Kurt said the girl’s name, his hands started shaking slightly. It had been so long since he’d thought about the kiss that Kurt could hardly believe how worried he was to hear the answer.
“Yeah, I did.” Puck’s eyes were wide, as if he hadn’t expected to be asked that particular question. “But after I realized it was you…” He moved forward, closing the small distance between them. “It was so dark, and we were all pumped up from the performance that I just thought… why not?”
Puck was barely an inch away from Kurt, but as Puck’s words sank in, Kurt felt as if he was a million miles away from him. And in that far away place, his fingers and toes went numb, and he was struggling to breathe. With each breath he attempted to take, the tighter his lungs became, denying him the oxygen he so desperately needed.
“I was a ‘why not.’” Kurt spoke in a soft whisper of disbelief to himself. “My first kiss was a ‘why not.’”
Even though Puck was right in front of him, Kurt was focused on the past, his clear blue eyes seeing their kiss in a whole new and completely hideous light. And as all of the sensations, once so moving and profound, flooded through his veins, Kurt felt the acrid burn of bile rising in the back of his throat. It was as if he’d been smacked, the rug pulled out from under him, and every other cliché possibly imaginable.
As Kurt’s mind quickly fast-forwarded through everything that had happened over the past few weeks, his chest began to heave painfully, the effort of trying to breathe burning his overtaxed lungs. And just as his brain finished its trip down memory lane, Kurt came to the heartbreaking realization of just how hard he’d really fallen for Puck.
Because there was no way that Puck’s explanation would have hurt this much otherwise.
It just wasn’t possible.
Kurt wanted to move, to run, to try and save a shred of his dignity, but he could barely breathe let alone walk. He couldn’t even bring himself to object when he felt Puck’s fingertips brush over his cheek before pushing his bangs back. The touch left a traitorous path of gentle tingles behind it, and as the feeling lingered, Kurt couldn’t help but think, “Why is this happening? Why me? Just… why?”
With the question still echoing painfully through his mind, Kurt barely noticed as Puck slid his fingertips over his cheek once again. It wasn’t until Puck whispered in Kurt’s ear that he regained any sort of conscious function.
“Just at first.” Puck’s voice was so soft, no more than a whisper against Kurt’s cheek. And Kurt found himself shocked by the raw sincerity of the words. Unfortunately though, the damage was already done. “Because I never expec-”
“No.” Kurt’s voice was low, but there was no mistaking his anger and resolve. And as he said it, Kurt slapped Puck’s hand away from his cheek. The smack left the back of Kurt’s hand stinging, but the pain he felt was nothing compared to the anguish in Puck’s eyes.
Puck looked upset and desperate, but there was also a touch of resignation in his dark brown gaze. Not blinking, he lifted his hands as if in surrender, his eyes begging Kurt to listen. “Please, just let me -”
Before Puck could get any further, Kurt held up one hand of his own. “Stop.” His voice was shaking, and no matter how hard he tried, Kurt couldn’t control it. “I don’t want to hear it. Or anything for that matter.”
And he didn’t.
He really, really didn’t.
Puck, amazingly enough, just dropped his hands in defeat, not saying another word. Instead, he stared at Kurt, his dark eyes full of apology.
“Now, if you’ll excuse me…” Kurt bent over and grabbed his coat and bag off of the piano bench with so much force that it teetered precariously for a few seconds. “I’m late for my meeting with Finn.” Kurt placed as much emphasis on Finn’s name as he possibly could, hoping that it would cut Puck to the quick.
And from the angry look on the other boy’s face, it had done just that. But even though his words had had their intended affect, Kurt felt guilty as Puck stood there staring at him, his jaw clenched together in anger.
Before Puck could say anything else, Kurt turned on his heel and stormed towards the choir room door with his head held high. However, before he could walk through it, Puck called out to him one last time.
“He’ll never love you.”
The anger that had been in Puck’s eyes flowed through his words, leaving Kurt feeling as if he’d been punched in the stomach. If Puck had meant to hurt him, he’d done just that.
Spinning around, Kurt took one look at Puck leaning against the piano before sneering, “Neither will you.”
And with that, Kurt left the room, not looking back once. Just as he was about halfway down the hall, Kurt head a loud clanking of piano keys come from the choir room.
Squeeka Cuomo’s Notes
- The title and opening quote for this fic come from the beautiful Weezer song, “Put Me Back Together.” You can find it here.
- To everyone who has been following this story, THANK YOU. Your support means more than I can say. :duck:
- Quack: As always, thank you.
- Reviews are love.
Put Me Back Together
Chapter 1: Kiss Me Goodbye
Chapter 2: Of Soirees and Sarongs
Chapter 3: Not So Subtle
Chapter 4: Late Arrivals
Chapter 5: Breaking Point
Chapter 6: Empty Hallway
Chapter 7: Cleaning up the Mess
Chapter 8: Dirty Laundry
Chapter 9: Gossip Mongers
Chapter 10: Just Breathe
Chapter 11: Damon Salvatore vs. Dexter Morgan
Chapter 12: Cloudy - Chance of Tension
Chapter 13: Pocket Squares
Chapter 14: All Apologies