49 + 1 Thinkies About "End of Time Part 2"
Happy New Year! Welcome to the far-flung future of 2010, where we have hovercars and jetpacks and robot butlers and vacations on the moon...
...oh, well, maybe not. But we do have iPhones that let you have music and movies and the ENTIRE INTARWEBZ in your pocket (as long as they don't need Adobe Flash *rolls eyes*), and dishwashers and Roombas and videophones (if you have a webcam) and all kinds of great stuff. And one of the greatest things of all is Doctor Who. I love this show so much and love the Doctor so much -- and it doesn't matter whether he's an old coot with bad teeth or a bug-eyed clown with a 9 foot scarf or a madman with question marks all over his clothes, or even an emo-haired adolescent with a bow tie, for all that. He's my doctor and I love him.
BBCA has been running a Doctor Who marathon all day, and after watching some favorite episodes I have to confess that before RTD decided to destroy his toys and then piss on the ashes, he wrote some fine, fine episodes.
"End of Time Part 1" was not one of them. And I have a few things to say about that before I watch "Part 2", so I'm going to put a cut tag here for spoilers.
When I do Thinkies, I am all about the squee. As I say in every introduction, I deliberately disengage my higher powers of analysis and and crank the FANGIRL up to the max. Which means that I miss a lot of nuances and end up with dozens of Refrigerator Moments where I suddenly realize, "But hang on, what about...?" I never bother to go back and write about those because there are a lot of people on LJ and elsewhere doing brilliantly incisive reviews of the episode that take into account all the petty things like plot and logic and continuity that I tend to throw by the wayside. Yeah, I complained last week about the sudden appearance of SuperHero!Master with the flying and the electro-hands and all that crap, but that was so obvious it was hard to miss.
I do, however, want to talk about one thing that happened last week before we continue with this week's ep; the scene between Wilf and the Doctor in the Café. I think that scene tells us a lot of what I predict RTD is going to do with this, the final episode of his tenure on Doctor Who.
I predict he's going to destroy his toys.
The whole conversation between the Doctor and Wilf is filled with foreshadowing. Come on, the wise old man and the Doctor talk about death and "letting go" and "moving on" and all that there. That's practically a big blinking neon sign that RTD is going to kill off Wilf so the Doctor can "learn" to "let go" and "face death". But there's one thing wrong with that logic: the Doctor is over 900 years old. He's seen more death than any human can possibly imagine; he doesn't have to "learn" about it. And as for facing his own "death"... I call foul! In the conversation with Wilf, the Doctor says that each time he regenerates, he dies and a "new man walks away". But every time he talks to a Companion about regenerating, he stresses the point that he is the SAME man with certain aspects of his personality just juggled a bit. Just because the Doctor has had a chance to anticipate this regeneration instead of having it happen by accident doesn't mean he hasn't given the process of regeneration any previous thought. The man's 900+ years old, fer fook's sake; he's given EVERYTHING a lot of previous thought!
I have not yet seen the episode, nor have I seen any preview or read any spoilers. But in my opinion, RTD is using this regeneration, and his final script for Doctor Who, as a chance to crank up the melodrama to operatic levels, just as he did in Torchwood: Children of Earth. He's going to do something -- I don't yet know what, but something truly devastating -- to ensure that HIS Doctor will be "gone" forever, so nobody else can ever play with HIS toys again and the emo-haired adolescent with the shiny, shiny new TARDIS will truly be a brand new man.
But that's enough of that. All this deep thought is making my brain hurt, and Boy is sitting next to me on the sofa practically twitching with wanting to press "Play" on the remote. So one more time, here are the rules:
(1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA, embarrasing overenthusiasm, and brain kittens. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. (4) Martha rocks and Donna is the Queen of Awesome, but my heart belongs to Rose, and as far as I'm concerned so does the Doctor's. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it.
Here we go!
1) When last we saw our Doctor and his bleach-blonde boyfriend nemesis -- oh wait, they're giving us a recap so I don't have to. Sweet!
2) At least we'll never have to see "By Russell T Davies" on the credits again. Thank the gods.
3) OMG GALLIFREY! The burning wreckage of Gallifrey! Oh yeah, another thing from last week I forgot to ask was, "How the heck did the Time Lords end up in the Star Wars Galactic Senate chamber?" I know timey is wimey but that's a bit much to expect. And now we have the long robes and the catwalks and the DUM DUM DUM music and it's all a bit too Palpatine for me. I guess the Time Lords are supposed to be bad guys? Is that canon?
4) Boy says, "Hey! It's the Time Lord Dalek Kaan!" How come the Time Ladies don't wear stupid hats? Who is that blonde Time Lady? Oh, she's dead. I guess who she is doesn't matter anymore. Oh! Timothy Dalton is playing Darth Vader!
5) HELLOOOOOOOOO DOCTOR IN BONDAGE! Hello, Grampa Wilf in bondage! (Ew...!) Hello many many many Masters! Wait, if they're all the same person, why do they have to transfer all the power to the Master who's hanging out with the Doctor? Don't they all already know what needs to be done and can just do it?
6) Hello, Donna! "He loves playing with Earth girls."
.... I have no words.
7) Oh. Donna just got so HOT that she ejaculated Timey Wimeyness. Ew. I bet that "cures" her of the Doctor-Donnaness and everything for her is back to normal. So much for "if she remembers she'll burn out her brain and die." Say it with me: RTD, DIE IN A FIRE.
8) "You could be beautiful. We could travel the stars. It would be my honor." A HUNDRED SLASH FICS ARE BORN. "Would it stop the noise in my head?.... I don't know what I'd be without that noise." "I wonder what I'd be without you." OKAY, MAKE THAT A THOUSAND SLASH FICS.
9) Oh, and by the way? DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. Boy gets more wine. We're going to need it.*
10) FLASHBACK! DRINK AGAIN! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
11) "That's what your prophecy was: ME!" Gods, how I love John Simm as the Master. Boy: "Cacti to the rescue!" Wilf: "God Bless the Cactuses!" Doctor: "That's Cacti!" Cactus: "That's racist!" See, if RTD would just stick to shit like that and forget about trying to write PROFOUND CINEMA, I wouldn't have to hunt him down and firebomb his house.
Oh dear, did I say that out loud? Silly me...
12) "Worst rescue ever!" LOL! Hey, I saw Tennant in Hamlet last night, and they did a lot of duct taping him to a chair and wheeling him around as well. Hmm....
13) WIIIIIIILLLLLFFF IIIINNNNNN SPAAAAAACE!
14) Tongue sighting! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
15) The Master looks so goofy in the military uniforms. They're too big for him and he looks like a kid playing dressup.
16) And now, everyone with a bad bleach job, we shall meditate. Ommmmm.... TA TA TA TA -- TA TA TA TA Hold on - trapped inside a time lock? The Time Lords sent the signal back in time as the drums in the Master's head to track him? Is that like a Bad Wolf thingy? Spider: "Boy, have you any idea what's going on? Are you following this?" Boy: "Vaguely..." *Brain kittens: thwap Spider, hand Spider and Boy booze.* RIGHT! WE HAZ NO LOGIKS HERE! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. *
17) Oooh, diamonds are a Time Lord's best friend! What is that celestial chorus singing? "Bunny on the people, bunny on the people, uh-oh, uh-oh!"
.... hey, that's what it sounds like to me...
18) "It's a white point star!" And that means...? So now the Master is a gemstone expert? Can he get me a good deal on 47th Street? Can you imagine him in tzitzit and payes? I mean, if he is everyone in the whole world...
19) HEY, IT'S THAT WOMAN IN WHITE AGAIN! Oh good, Wilf was intelligent enough to pick up the gun before all hell broke loose. He was a soldier after all! Good man!
20) "He must stand at arms or lose himself." "He never carries guns, he doesn't do... Who are you?" "I was lost so very long ago..." I swear if the Doctor has to fire that gun I will HUNT DOWN RTD AND FIREBOMB HIS HOUSE.
...oh heck, I said it again. My bad!
21) Now Wilf gets to talk about death and his past and his wife. Wilf is so dead. "900 years, we must look like insects to you." "I think you look like giants.... I'd be proud if you were my dad." Oh, Wilf is SO VERY DEAD. "Sometimes I think the Time Lord lives too long." See? I told you -- melodrama. Oh, Wilf, I don't want you to cry, but I refuse to be manipulated by RTD anymore. Sorry.
22) Okay.... the Doctor refuses to take the gun even to save the entire population of the Earth, but the moment he figures out the Time Lords are returning he grabs it. Oh, Doctor, I've been there. My family makes me want to grab a gun too.
23) Hey, didn't they destroy that double door radiation thingy last week? CONTINUITY? Has anyone seen continuity? Still passed out from last night? *Brain kittens thwap Spider* Okay! Moving right along!
24) "Gallifrey rises!" Are you SURE George Lucas didn't write this thing? Have he and RTD been chatting and giggling together about new ways to screw over their fans? "Oh, tell them it's in service of the narrative! They'll EAT IT UP!"
25) "ALLONS-Y!" DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.* The Doctor really is as self-absorbed as the Master, isn't he? Yeah yeah, he won't fire a gun himself, but he has no problem letting other people fire them on his behalf.
26) Boy: "Hey, it really is the Millenium Falcon!" HOLY FUCK, HE'S RIGHT! *Boy shakes fist: LUUCCCAAAAAAAS!!*
27) What the FUCK? What is this, Mission Impossible? The Bourne Thingamabob? The Doctor holds up a gun and JUMPS FROM A SPACESHIP like James fuckin' Bond -- oh! That must be why Timothy Dalton is in this episode! *Brain kittens thwap Spider* RIGHT OKAY WHATEVER! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.* Just get on with it, RTD. Whatever you have left, just shoot your whole goddamn wad and let that be the end of it. I am sick of you.
28) I'm really not thrilled with that Risen Mitten or Gauntlet or whatever that Timothy Time Lord is sporting, but at least -- "On your knees, mankind!" WTF? Time Lords are such arseholes! OH NO. WHAT? GALLIFREY? HELLO, GALLIFREY! DONNA? WHO? WHAT IN THE WHAT NOW? Spider: "Boy, do you have ANY idea what's going on?" Boy: "Whuh?" OKAY THEN, DRINK!
29) "I did this! I get the credit!" BETA CREDIT JESUS! Oh right, it's the Evil Billionaires! I forgot all about them! Do they have anything actually to do with this story? I didn't think so.
30) Oooh, all those names of villains are awesome but I can't catch them all. SOMEBODY GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! The Time Lords are what? Trying to ascend to what? The Doctor had to stop them? OH MY GOD DID HE PULL THE TRIGGER? No? And then he aims at the Master and what's that click? Is that the gun cocking? WHY is the gun clicking if he's not pulling the trigger or cocking it? These bad sound effects are pulling me out of this whole climactic scene, I swear --- HOLY SHIT IS THAT MOMMY? IF THAT IS MOMMY --- OR OH MY GOD IF THAT IS ROSE...
31) OH FUCK AGAIN WITH CLICKING GUN. "Get out of the way." What in the what? RASSILON? THAT'S RASSILON? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? I DON'T KNOW! WAIT! WHAT? Now the Master is electro-handing all the Time Lords, and that means Gallifrey rolls away from the Earth?
32) "I'm alive. I'm still alive." I love you, Doctor, but you're a --- and it's Wilf KNOCKING FOUR TIMES. Shit. Aw, shit. Wilf: "Just leave me." Because Wilf knows how to let go. "That's who you are, Wilfred." "I'm an old man, Doctor, I've had my time." "I could do so much more! But this is what I get. My reward, but it's not fair!... I've lived too long." Sorry, RTD, but this time your emotional manipulation does not work on me. You've been one too many times to the well.
33) Aaaannnnndddd here we go. Ten gets his melodramatic death. Aaaaaaand... here he is, ladies and gents -- HA! HEE! PSYCH! Well done!
34) Hey, it's Donna! Hi, Donna! TARDIS! How cool, the sound of the TARDIS to wake her up.
35) "I'll see you again one more time." OH, what the fuck?
36) MARTHA! YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND BADARSE AND SO FUCKING HOT WHEN YOU CARRY A BIG FUCKING GUN DRESSED IN BLACK LEATHER AND YOU LOOK SO MUCH BETTER IN BRAIDS THAN WITH STRAIGHTENED HAIR AND *Spider takes deep breath* DRINK! FUCKIN' DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. * Oh my gods, I think I just had a "moment"... heh.
37) MICKEY! OH MY GODS! "You shouldn't have married me." Then that can't be Mickey it's gotta be Tom -- SONTARAN! TONGUE! EW! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
38) Doctor! Huh? OMG IT IS MICKEY! Martha married Mickey? WHAT?
39) LUKE! We can't drink for Luke because he's underage. SARAH JANE! Her we can drink for. DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
40) THAT MUSIC, THAT'S GOTTA BE -- OMG YES! YES! YES! IT'S JACK! AND IT'S AN ADIPOSE! WHAT A CUTE LITTLE ADIPOSE! WHAT A GORGEOUS HUNK O' JACK! And Jack is drinking water! LOL! DRINK! Judoons and Slytheens and oh, oh, MY GODS the Doctor just set Jack up with Doomed Noble Midshipman Alonso from the Titanic! ... wait, how did the...
...
...
... I can't keep up with this. Boy is giggling like an insane thing, and I'm just staring with my mouth hanging open catching flies. The brain kittens are .... I think they may have had brain aneurysms...
... I'm not even going to deal with Jack right now. That's a whole 'nother post. I'm just going to drink.
41) Oh, and it's ... oh... that's so sweet... Look, don't expect me to be coherent any more, all right?
42) Donna gets her wedding. Look, it's Nerys! LOL!
43) All right already, let's move on with this! We didn't get this kind of melodrama for last regeneration. We don't NEED this kind of drama. It's great to see all the old crowd but is it really -- OMG IT'S ROSE! ROSE! ROSE! *Spider keels over passes out THUD reawakens* ROSE! ROSE!
HELL YES, I PLAY FAVORITES, OKAY?
44) Oh. Oh, my gods. Oh, my heavens. 2005. Damn.
45) Are we done with all the goodbyes now? Can we get on with it? OH GODDAMNIT YOU AND THE FUCKING OOD. "The universe will sing you to your sleep." Huh, it seems the universe is a countertenor. "This song is ending but the story never ends." WE KNOW, ALL RIGHT? GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! RTD, you cannot wring a sponge that's already wrung dry! DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE ALREADY!
46) "I don't want to go." YOU'RE NOT GOING. YOU'RE REGENERATING, YOU DUMB TWAT. YOU DIDN'T MAKE SUCH A BIG FUSS OF IT LAST TIME --
47) SEE? RTD destroyed the TARDIS. Taking his toys and going home.
48) HELLO ELEVEN! "Nose? I've had worse! Hair! I'm a girl? No! Still not ginger!" See? Same Doctor, different hair. I can't sum up better than that. See you in the Spring!
49) No, wait. Look, I'm glad Wilf didn't die, all right? I'm glad that RTD didn't destroy Ten irrevocably. Trashing the TARDIS, well, whatever. It takes more than a few sparks to destroy the TARDIS, and fine, maybe the old girl wants a makeover and some redecorating, so let that go. The thing is, RTD tried once again to do the same shit he's done ever since Nine regenerated into Ten, since Rose went through the Void to Pete's world, since Bad Wolf Bay, since blah blah blah I'm not going through every single fucking instance because there are far too many. He hauled out his tired old emotional manipulation tricks to attempt to wrench tears from our eyes and grieving from our guts, but guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK. Sorry, Rusty. You've lost me. You lost me when you destroyed Donna, and a little handwaving of "oh I didn't mean it, look, she's okay now and she even gets married to a guy of surprisingly similar ethnic background to the one she started out with!" DOES NOT CUT IT. You lost me when you destroyed Ianto, and a little handwaving of Jack hooking up with a young man in a snazzy uniform DOES NOT CUT IT. CHARACTERS ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE DOLLS. THIS IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL SANDBOX; THERE ARE NO TAKE-BACKS. Wringing out Ten's regeneration for every last bit of pathos was, well, PATHETIC. IT DID NOT CUT IT, especially since you IMMEDIATELY showed us that Eleven IS the same man as Ten, with just a bit of juggling in the details. JUST AS THE NEW REGENERATION ALWAYS IS.
*Spider finishes beer. Boy finishes wine. Boy pats Spider on the head and listens to her rant and rave for the next 45 minutes.*
Thanks for reading, everyone! Until Spring 2010, remember: have a fantastic life!
Plus one: Rusty, I am grateful to you. You brought the Doctor back to us in 2005. Now, go DIE IN A FIRE. Kthxbye.
...oh, well, maybe not. But we do have iPhones that let you have music and movies and the ENTIRE INTARWEBZ in your pocket (as long as they don't need Adobe Flash *rolls eyes*), and dishwashers and Roombas and videophones (if you have a webcam) and all kinds of great stuff. And one of the greatest things of all is Doctor Who. I love this show so much and love the Doctor so much -- and it doesn't matter whether he's an old coot with bad teeth or a bug-eyed clown with a 9 foot scarf or a madman with question marks all over his clothes, or even an emo-haired adolescent with a bow tie, for all that. He's my doctor and I love him.
BBCA has been running a Doctor Who marathon all day, and after watching some favorite episodes I have to confess that before RTD decided to destroy his toys and then piss on the ashes, he wrote some fine, fine episodes.
"End of Time Part 1" was not one of them. And I have a few things to say about that before I watch "Part 2", so I'm going to put a cut tag here for spoilers.
When I do Thinkies, I am all about the squee. As I say in every introduction, I deliberately disengage my higher powers of analysis and and crank the FANGIRL up to the max. Which means that I miss a lot of nuances and end up with dozens of Refrigerator Moments where I suddenly realize, "But hang on, what about...?" I never bother to go back and write about those because there are a lot of people on LJ and elsewhere doing brilliantly incisive reviews of the episode that take into account all the petty things like plot and logic and continuity that I tend to throw by the wayside. Yeah, I complained last week about the sudden appearance of SuperHero!Master with the flying and the electro-hands and all that crap, but that was so obvious it was hard to miss.
I do, however, want to talk about one thing that happened last week before we continue with this week's ep; the scene between Wilf and the Doctor in the Café. I think that scene tells us a lot of what I predict RTD is going to do with this, the final episode of his tenure on Doctor Who.
I predict he's going to destroy his toys.
The whole conversation between the Doctor and Wilf is filled with foreshadowing. Come on, the wise old man and the Doctor talk about death and "letting go" and "moving on" and all that there. That's practically a big blinking neon sign that RTD is going to kill off Wilf so the Doctor can "learn" to "let go" and "face death". But there's one thing wrong with that logic: the Doctor is over 900 years old. He's seen more death than any human can possibly imagine; he doesn't have to "learn" about it. And as for facing his own "death"... I call foul! In the conversation with Wilf, the Doctor says that each time he regenerates, he dies and a "new man walks away". But every time he talks to a Companion about regenerating, he stresses the point that he is the SAME man with certain aspects of his personality just juggled a bit. Just because the Doctor has had a chance to anticipate this regeneration instead of having it happen by accident doesn't mean he hasn't given the process of regeneration any previous thought. The man's 900+ years old, fer fook's sake; he's given EVERYTHING a lot of previous thought!
I have not yet seen the episode, nor have I seen any preview or read any spoilers. But in my opinion, RTD is using this regeneration, and his final script for Doctor Who, as a chance to crank up the melodrama to operatic levels, just as he did in Torchwood: Children of Earth. He's going to do something -- I don't yet know what, but something truly devastating -- to ensure that HIS Doctor will be "gone" forever, so nobody else can ever play with HIS toys again and the emo-haired adolescent with the shiny, shiny new TARDIS will truly be a brand new man.
But that's enough of that. All this deep thought is making my brain hurt, and Boy is sitting next to me on the sofa practically twitching with wanting to press "Play" on the remote. So one more time, here are the rules:
(1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA, embarrasing overenthusiasm, and brain kittens. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. (4) Martha rocks and Donna is the Queen of Awesome, but my heart belongs to Rose, and as far as I'm concerned so does the Doctor's. You're allowed your own opinion, but remember: this is MY journal, so deal with it.
Here we go!
1) When last we saw our Doctor and his bleach-blonde boyfriend nemesis -- oh wait, they're giving us a recap so I don't have to. Sweet!
2) At least we'll never have to see "By Russell T Davies" on the credits again. Thank the gods.
3) OMG GALLIFREY! The burning wreckage of Gallifrey! Oh yeah, another thing from last week I forgot to ask was, "How the heck did the Time Lords end up in the Star Wars Galactic Senate chamber?" I know timey is wimey but that's a bit much to expect. And now we have the long robes and the catwalks and the DUM DUM DUM music and it's all a bit too Palpatine for me. I guess the Time Lords are supposed to be bad guys? Is that canon?
4) Boy says, "Hey! It's the Time Lord Dalek Kaan!" How come the Time Ladies don't wear stupid hats? Who is that blonde Time Lady? Oh, she's dead. I guess who she is doesn't matter anymore. Oh! Timothy Dalton is playing Darth Vader!
5) HELLOOOOOOOOO DOCTOR IN BONDAGE! Hello, Grampa Wilf in bondage! (Ew...!) Hello many many many Masters! Wait, if they're all the same person, why do they have to transfer all the power to the Master who's hanging out with the Doctor? Don't they all already know what needs to be done and can just do it?
6) Hello, Donna! "He loves playing with Earth girls."
.... I have no words.
7) Oh. Donna just got so HOT that she ejaculated Timey Wimeyness. Ew. I bet that "cures" her of the Doctor-Donnaness and everything for her is back to normal. So much for "if she remembers she'll burn out her brain and die." Say it with me: RTD, DIE IN A FIRE.
8) "You could be beautiful. We could travel the stars. It would be my honor." A HUNDRED SLASH FICS ARE BORN. "Would it stop the noise in my head?.... I don't know what I'd be without that noise." "I wonder what I'd be without you." OKAY, MAKE THAT A THOUSAND SLASH FICS.
9) Oh, and by the way? DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. Boy gets more wine. We're going to need it.*
10) FLASHBACK! DRINK AGAIN! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
11) "That's what your prophecy was: ME!" Gods, how I love John Simm as the Master. Boy: "Cacti to the rescue!" Wilf: "God Bless the Cactuses!" Doctor: "That's Cacti!" Cactus: "That's racist!" See, if RTD would just stick to shit like that and forget about trying to write PROFOUND CINEMA, I wouldn't have to hunt him down and firebomb his house.
Oh dear, did I say that out loud? Silly me...
12) "Worst rescue ever!" LOL! Hey, I saw Tennant in Hamlet last night, and they did a lot of duct taping him to a chair and wheeling him around as well. Hmm....
13) WIIIIIIILLLLLFFF IIIINNNNNN SPAAAAAACE!
14) Tongue sighting! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
15) The Master looks so goofy in the military uniforms. They're too big for him and he looks like a kid playing dressup.
16) And now, everyone with a bad bleach job, we shall meditate. Ommmmm.... TA TA TA TA -- TA TA TA TA Hold on - trapped inside a time lock? The Time Lords sent the signal back in time as the drums in the Master's head to track him? Is that like a Bad Wolf thingy? Spider: "Boy, have you any idea what's going on? Are you following this?" Boy: "Vaguely..." *Brain kittens: thwap Spider, hand Spider and Boy booze.* RIGHT! WE HAZ NO LOGIKS HERE! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. *
17) Oooh, diamonds are a Time Lord's best friend! What is that celestial chorus singing? "Bunny on the people, bunny on the people, uh-oh, uh-oh!"
.... hey, that's what it sounds like to me...
18) "It's a white point star!" And that means...? So now the Master is a gemstone expert? Can he get me a good deal on 47th Street? Can you imagine him in tzitzit and payes? I mean, if he is everyone in the whole world...
19) HEY, IT'S THAT WOMAN IN WHITE AGAIN! Oh good, Wilf was intelligent enough to pick up the gun before all hell broke loose. He was a soldier after all! Good man!
20) "He must stand at arms or lose himself." "He never carries guns, he doesn't do... Who are you?" "I was lost so very long ago..." I swear if the Doctor has to fire that gun I will HUNT DOWN RTD AND FIREBOMB HIS HOUSE.
...oh heck, I said it again. My bad!
21) Now Wilf gets to talk about death and his past and his wife. Wilf is so dead. "900 years, we must look like insects to you." "I think you look like giants.... I'd be proud if you were my dad." Oh, Wilf is SO VERY DEAD. "Sometimes I think the Time Lord lives too long." See? I told you -- melodrama. Oh, Wilf, I don't want you to cry, but I refuse to be manipulated by RTD anymore. Sorry.
22) Okay.... the Doctor refuses to take the gun even to save the entire population of the Earth, but the moment he figures out the Time Lords are returning he grabs it. Oh, Doctor, I've been there. My family makes me want to grab a gun too.
23) Hey, didn't they destroy that double door radiation thingy last week? CONTINUITY? Has anyone seen continuity? Still passed out from last night? *Brain kittens thwap Spider* Okay! Moving right along!
24) "Gallifrey rises!" Are you SURE George Lucas didn't write this thing? Have he and RTD been chatting and giggling together about new ways to screw over their fans? "Oh, tell them it's in service of the narrative! They'll EAT IT UP!"
25) "ALLONS-Y!" DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.* The Doctor really is as self-absorbed as the Master, isn't he? Yeah yeah, he won't fire a gun himself, but he has no problem letting other people fire them on his behalf.
26) Boy: "Hey, it really is the Millenium Falcon!" HOLY FUCK, HE'S RIGHT! *Boy shakes fist: LUUCCCAAAAAAAS!!*
27) What the FUCK? What is this, Mission Impossible? The Bourne Thingamabob? The Doctor holds up a gun and JUMPS FROM A SPACESHIP like James fuckin' Bond -- oh! That must be why Timothy Dalton is in this episode! *Brain kittens thwap Spider* RIGHT OKAY WHATEVER! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.* Just get on with it, RTD. Whatever you have left, just shoot your whole goddamn wad and let that be the end of it. I am sick of you.
28) I'm really not thrilled with that Risen Mitten or Gauntlet or whatever that Timothy Time Lord is sporting, but at least -- "On your knees, mankind!" WTF? Time Lords are such arseholes! OH NO. WHAT? GALLIFREY? HELLO, GALLIFREY! DONNA? WHO? WHAT IN THE WHAT NOW? Spider: "Boy, do you have ANY idea what's going on?" Boy: "Whuh?" OKAY THEN, DRINK!
29) "I did this! I get the credit!" BETA CREDIT JESUS! Oh right, it's the Evil Billionaires! I forgot all about them! Do they have anything actually to do with this story? I didn't think so.
30) Oooh, all those names of villains are awesome but I can't catch them all. SOMEBODY GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL! The Time Lords are what? Trying to ascend to what? The Doctor had to stop them? OH MY GOD DID HE PULL THE TRIGGER? No? And then he aims at the Master and what's that click? Is that the gun cocking? WHY is the gun clicking if he's not pulling the trigger or cocking it? These bad sound effects are pulling me out of this whole climactic scene, I swear --- HOLY SHIT IS THAT MOMMY? IF THAT IS MOMMY --- OR OH MY GOD IF THAT IS ROSE...
31) OH FUCK AGAIN WITH CLICKING GUN. "Get out of the way." What in the what? RASSILON? THAT'S RASSILON? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? I DON'T KNOW! WAIT! WHAT? Now the Master is electro-handing all the Time Lords, and that means Gallifrey rolls away from the Earth?
32) "I'm alive. I'm still alive." I love you, Doctor, but you're a --- and it's Wilf KNOCKING FOUR TIMES. Shit. Aw, shit. Wilf: "Just leave me." Because Wilf knows how to let go. "That's who you are, Wilfred." "I'm an old man, Doctor, I've had my time." "I could do so much more! But this is what I get. My reward, but it's not fair!... I've lived too long." Sorry, RTD, but this time your emotional manipulation does not work on me. You've been one too many times to the well.
33) Aaaannnnndddd here we go. Ten gets his melodramatic death. Aaaaaaand... here he is, ladies and gents -- HA! HEE! PSYCH! Well done!
34) Hey, it's Donna! Hi, Donna! TARDIS! How cool, the sound of the TARDIS to wake her up.
35) "I'll see you again one more time." OH, what the fuck?
36) MARTHA! YOU ARE GORGEOUS AND BADARSE AND SO FUCKING HOT WHEN YOU CARRY A BIG FUCKING GUN DRESSED IN BLACK LEATHER AND YOU LOOK SO MUCH BETTER IN BRAIDS THAN WITH STRAIGHTENED HAIR AND *Spider takes deep breath* DRINK! FUCKIN' DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine. * Oh my gods, I think I just had a "moment"... heh.
37) MICKEY! OH MY GODS! "You shouldn't have married me." Then that can't be Mickey it's gotta be Tom -- SONTARAN! TONGUE! EW! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
38) Doctor! Huh? OMG IT IS MICKEY! Martha married Mickey? WHAT?
39) LUKE! We can't drink for Luke because he's underage. SARAH JANE! Her we can drink for. DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Boy chugs wine.*
40) THAT MUSIC, THAT'S GOTTA BE -- OMG YES! YES! YES! IT'S JACK! AND IT'S AN ADIPOSE! WHAT A CUTE LITTLE ADIPOSE! WHAT A GORGEOUS HUNK O' JACK! And Jack is drinking water! LOL! DRINK! Judoons and Slytheens and oh, oh, MY GODS the Doctor just set Jack up with Doomed Noble Midshipman Alonso from the Titanic! ... wait, how did the...
...
...
... I can't keep up with this. Boy is giggling like an insane thing, and I'm just staring with my mouth hanging open catching flies. The brain kittens are .... I think they may have had brain aneurysms...
... I'm not even going to deal with Jack right now. That's a whole 'nother post. I'm just going to drink.
41) Oh, and it's ... oh... that's so sweet... Look, don't expect me to be coherent any more, all right?
42) Donna gets her wedding. Look, it's Nerys! LOL!
43) All right already, let's move on with this! We didn't get this kind of melodrama for last regeneration. We don't NEED this kind of drama. It's great to see all the old crowd but is it really -- OMG IT'S ROSE! ROSE! ROSE! *Spider keels over passes out THUD reawakens* ROSE! ROSE!
HELL YES, I PLAY FAVORITES, OKAY?
44) Oh. Oh, my gods. Oh, my heavens. 2005. Damn.
45) Are we done with all the goodbyes now? Can we get on with it? OH GODDAMNIT YOU AND THE FUCKING OOD. "The universe will sing you to your sleep." Huh, it seems the universe is a countertenor. "This song is ending but the story never ends." WE KNOW, ALL RIGHT? GET ON WITH IT ALREADY! RTD, you cannot wring a sponge that's already wrung dry! DIE IN A FUCKING FIRE ALREADY!
46) "I don't want to go." YOU'RE NOT GOING. YOU'RE REGENERATING, YOU DUMB TWAT. YOU DIDN'T MAKE SUCH A BIG FUSS OF IT LAST TIME --
47) SEE? RTD destroyed the TARDIS. Taking his toys and going home.
48) HELLO ELEVEN! "Nose? I've had worse! Hair! I'm a girl? No! Still not ginger!" See? Same Doctor, different hair. I can't sum up better than that. See you in the Spring!
49) No, wait. Look, I'm glad Wilf didn't die, all right? I'm glad that RTD didn't destroy Ten irrevocably. Trashing the TARDIS, well, whatever. It takes more than a few sparks to destroy the TARDIS, and fine, maybe the old girl wants a makeover and some redecorating, so let that go. The thing is, RTD tried once again to do the same shit he's done ever since Nine regenerated into Ten, since Rose went through the Void to Pete's world, since Bad Wolf Bay, since blah blah blah I'm not going through every single fucking instance because there are far too many. He hauled out his tired old emotional manipulation tricks to attempt to wrench tears from our eyes and grieving from our guts, but guess what? IT DIDN'T WORK. Sorry, Rusty. You've lost me. You lost me when you destroyed Donna, and a little handwaving of "oh I didn't mean it, look, she's okay now and she even gets married to a guy of surprisingly similar ethnic background to the one she started out with!" DOES NOT CUT IT. You lost me when you destroyed Ianto, and a little handwaving of Jack hooking up with a young man in a snazzy uniform DOES NOT CUT IT. CHARACTERS ARE NOT INTERCHANGEABLE DOLLS. THIS IS NOT YOUR PERSONAL SANDBOX; THERE ARE NO TAKE-BACKS. Wringing out Ten's regeneration for every last bit of pathos was, well, PATHETIC. IT DID NOT CUT IT, especially since you IMMEDIATELY showed us that Eleven IS the same man as Ten, with just a bit of juggling in the details. JUST AS THE NEW REGENERATION ALWAYS IS.
*Spider finishes beer. Boy finishes wine. Boy pats Spider on the head and listens to her rant and rave for the next 45 minutes.*
Thanks for reading, everyone! Until Spring 2010, remember: have a fantastic life!
Plus one: Rusty, I am grateful to you. You brought the Doctor back to us in 2005. Now, go DIE IN A FIRE. Kthxbye.