The Struggle Is Real

[spencer5460]

Now my mother and sisters refuse to talk to me (without a third party intermediary of the religious persuasion). This battle is not new. Trying to let go, trying to hold on. I'm hard-wired to love and I appreciate the sentiment that forgiveness is the higher road. But sometimes that road is too fucking hard to climb. Some days I just want to admit

Comments

[dawnebeth]

I'm so sorry, babe. That is rough. All you can do is hang on and ride it out.

Hugs to you. We will meet at SHarecon, right? So I can give you a proper squeeze.

[spencer5460]

Thanks for the hugs. I'm counting the days to SHarecon!

[samudee]

Oh, Spencer. So sorry for you going through such a rough patch. It's not easy when it's our own people who hurt us -- well we hurt so much 'because' they are our own people- sigh!
Hang in there! ((Hugs))

[spencer5460]

Thanks for the support. I wish I wouldn't care so much about fitting in with my "own people" because it's obvious I don't. I'm just hitting my head against a brick wall. I am, however, grateful for the people with whom I DO fit.

[ly888ly888]

Spencer, so sorry you're dealing with so much right now. Sending hugs and peace your way. Being angry and hurt doesn't make you a weak person and forgiveness doesn't have a time limit. If you can't forgive now, so be it. Maybe someday you can. Or not. You have a right to feel whatever you need to feel!

You're such a kind, compassionate person and you deserve better. Take comfort in the fact that there are many kinds of families and your fanfic family (among others, I'm sure) supports and appreciates you.

[spencer5460]

It's funny how much more comfortable I feel with people who aren't blood family and even those I barely know. I feel so torn because I know I should forgive, forget and move on but I get so hurt and angry at times because I've been cut off from the people who are supposed to love me most. I constantly fight the emotional battle of - is the problem with me or is the problem with them? Such poisonous thoughts. I want to scream and shout and hit something. It gets exhausting.

[ly888ly888]

I think a lot of people feel that way, hence all the online support groups. Someone on the outside, looking in, can have a much more objective view, and sometimes it's comforting to know others are in the same boat, that you're not the only one struggling with family. I think we all have a "family we want" and the "family we've got," and they rarely seem to match! Some situations are certainly harder than others. From what I know about you, I find it hard to believe the problem is with you, but family matters are rarely black & white. It's normal to doubt yourself, and I think a little doubt is healthy (keeps you "honest"), but a lot of doubt just muddies the waters. If you're really struggling, maybe a neutral 3rd party can help. When I'm frustrated and angry (usually because something is out of my control), I try to remember Theodore Roosevelt's quote: "Do what you can, with what you have, where you are." Take care of yourself as best you can so you have the energy to deal with whatever comes your way. Sending peace your

[spencer5460]

Maybe support groups are helpful because they take you in without any preconceived ideas. Online interaction is fascinating because people can't be judged by their looks, titles, income levels, etc. Only by their emotions. I'm struggling through the muck and mire of my family dynamics and every now and again I get stuck and feel myself sinking. It's wonderful to have non-judgmental people toss out a lifeline. I truly appreciate it. :D

Hugs and understanding

[ext_3303941]

Hugs to you my friend! I know how hard this is. MANY years ago, my brother hurt me very deeply with the words he said. We are just now beginning to talk again. I told him that I forgave him, but once you break trust it's hard to rebuild it.
Just remember that whatever THEY think or say about you, it's NOT THE TRUTH.
You are you. And that's the best person to be.
If they feel they need a holy man to talk to you... uh... that says more about THEM than YOU!
When you can, forgive them in your heart and mind. Don't let unforgiveness drag you down. Doesn't mean you have to tell them that.
Take care of you first. If/when they are ready to be human, then decide what you want to do.
Will be good to meet you at ShareCon!! Hang in there. Love and hugs! Nan

Re: Hugs and understanding

[spencer5460]

They refuse to acknowledge that they have done anything to hurt me. Kind of a long story. Like - my whole life (LOL) It's so hard to forgive someone who says you are the problem - not them. I just don't live up to their standards.
But as I've been learning to say, "Fuck that Noise!" We'll party at SHarecon.

[loyseofverlaine]

So sorry to hear this. Family members are the ones who know us best, and hurt us the most. Hang in, and lean on us here when you need to.

{{Hugs}}

[spencer5460]

Thank you my dear. I definitely do lean on all of you. :D