Starving in the Belly of the Whale

[sparrow_lately]

Title: Starving in the Belly of the Whale
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~9,600
Spoilers: Through about the end of season four.
Warnings: Lots and lots and lots of talk of suicide, language, brief references to physical child abuse, very, very brief references to something approaching sexual abuse, some pretty severe familial dysfunction, brief discussions of

Comments

[tabaqui]

Oh, boys.

What a bleak and unhappy stroll through their shared childhoods and shared-but-different memories. But all the emotions are the same. Guilt and fear, self-loathing and anger, desperation.

And all the little moments when it was okay, when they actually felt *happy*...far too fleeting.
*sniffle*

Lovely stuff.

*teeny thing: Dean just blinks back, looking lost, then gives a little shutter and tries to pull himself away, shutter should should be shudder.

[sparrow_lately]

The poor Winchesters, right? *sigh*

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Will fix typo when I get a chance. :)

[prufrock_26]

AGH YOU DID IT

*rushes to read*

ETA: I love this a lot. I'm probably not going to be remotely coherent because I'm sick and dangerously sleep-deprived right now, but this has made my day better already. I really, really like all of the flashbacks - your take on Winchester psychology always feels so natural and so true to the characters. And oh, there are so many moments I could pick out for their wonderfulness, but I'm going with this part: Then Sam said, like he was confessing a secret meant only for brother’s ears, “I have to get away,” and Dean felt his chest rip in two. This is the line that hurt like an actual, physical punch.

Dean is absolutely heartbreaking in all of this, of course, but it's Sam who really surprised me with how much I felt for him. I love that he's uncertain, that even though he's worried about Dean he's still frustrated, and this: It made Sam feel a twinge of guilt sometimes, because he wasn’t sure how much of his love and devotion for Dean was just learned behavior as opposed to that open, honest

[sparrow_lately]

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

<3

ETA: Your monster essay comments are basically the best thing, so never apologize.

I'm sorry you're sick and sleep-deprived (...are you secretly me?) but I'm more pleased than I can say that this made you feel a bit better. And gah, thank you thank you for your incredibly lovely comments, and yes, this became about Sam without my really intending it to, but Sam has been growing on me, lately, so maybe that's where that came from.

I love that you picked out the moment when Sam says he wants to get away, because even seven-almost-eight seasons later the pain surrounding the Sam-leaving-for-school situation still gets me right where I live.

[prufrock_26]

Cripes. Are you secretly *me*? Because everything Stanford-related cuts closer to the bone for me than a lot of the cosmic angst in all the later seasons, and I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who was still ridiculously upset about it.

[sparrow_lately]

No but it's so much more heartbreaking in a way than the apocalypse or hell or all that, because this is a thing that happens to real families, it's a totally realistic situation (well, minus the demons and a kid who went to three schools a semester slapping together a coherent enough transcript to apply to college by the time he's 18) with no clear right or wrong, and both of them are a little selfish and also justified in their selfishness, and and and and GAH.

[katsheswims]

This made me tear up a few times.

So heartbreaking. And I can't even imagine what the aftermath of this will be (or I hope at least it won't be ignoring it ever happened).

Very well written.

[sparrow_lately]

or I hope it least it won't be ignoring it ever happened

I wrote an epilogue, or tried to, but scrapped it when I realized that Sam and Dean--particularly end-of-season-four Sam and Dean--would probably rather never talk about it, ever. Because, you know. Manly men. *drinks whiskey, shoots gun, wears flannel*

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

[katsheswims]

Yeah, I know that's what they'd probably do, but it's it's just not good for them. It's just so sad...

[maypoles]

That’s our wedding day, he can hear himself saying. There I am with Jess, and there’s Lori, maid of honor, and there’s my brother Dean. The best man.

This legitimately made me cry a little, which rarely to never happens to me with fic. Seriously, wow. This was brilliant. The character observations you always sneak into your fics, but that I especially noticed here, are so striking, somehow fresh and new despite the huuuuge amount of SPN fic I've read over the years. Your inclusion of Jess' observations on their childhood were some of my favourite such parts. And Dean, omg, what more can I say, except Deeeeeean. ♥

A + take on the prompt!

[sparrow_lately]

What is happening to my life that I'm all "yay I made somebody cry," I mean not literally but still

The character observations you always sneak into your fics, but that I especially noticed here, are so striking, somehow fresh despite the huuuuge amount of SPN fic I've read over the years. Aaand I'm literally sitting here the color of a tomato, thank you so much! (Also, long live Jess's more or less blank-late personality and indeterminate major, as it allows me to do whatever I want with her.)

I'm pretty sure I've spent most of my time since I started watching Supernatural going "Deeeeean," lol.

Thank you so very, very much! <3

[nong_pradu]

I don't even know what to say.... This was so painful and raw. I feel like you really managed to get into both of their heads. Brilliant job with this.

*sobs*

[sparrow_lately]

Oh, no, don't cry!

Thank you so much. :)