Starving in the Belly of the Whale

[sparrow_lately]

Title: Starving in the Belly of the Whale
Rating: PG-13
Words: ~9,600
Spoilers: Through about the end of season four.
Warnings: Lots and lots and lots of talk of suicide, language, brief references to physical child abuse, very, very brief references to something approaching sexual abuse, some pretty severe familial dysfunction, brief discussions of

Comments

[prufrock_26]

AGH YOU DID IT

*rushes to read*

ETA: I love this a lot. I'm probably not going to be remotely coherent because I'm sick and dangerously sleep-deprived right now, but this has made my day better already. I really, really like all of the flashbacks - your take on Winchester psychology always feels so natural and so true to the characters. And oh, there are so many moments I could pick out for their wonderfulness, but I'm going with this part: Then Sam said, like he was confessing a secret meant only for brother’s ears, “I have to get away,” and Dean felt his chest rip in two. This is the line that hurt like an actual, physical punch.

Dean is absolutely heartbreaking in all of this, of course, but it's Sam who really surprised me with how much I felt for him. I love that he's uncertain, that even though he's worried about Dean he's still frustrated, and this: It made Sam feel a twinge of guilt sometimes, because he wasn’t sure how much of his love and devotion for Dean was just learned behavior as opposed to that open, honest, total love Dean felt-a bear hug personified in a brother who loved Sam so totally it would be his own undoing. I feel like this sums up their relationship so accurately, in a way that I haven't quite seen before.

Apologies for the monster essay comment. Basically, this is awesome and so are you.

[sparrow_lately]

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

<3

ETA: Your monster essay comments are basically the best thing, so never apologize.

I'm sorry you're sick and sleep-deprived (...are you secretly me?) but I'm more pleased than I can say that this made you feel a bit better. And gah, thank you thank you for your incredibly lovely comments, and yes, this became about Sam without my really intending it to, but Sam has been growing on me, lately, so maybe that's where that came from.

I love that you picked out the moment when Sam says he wants to get away, because even seven-almost-eight seasons later the pain surrounding the Sam-leaving-for-school situation still gets me right where I live.

[prufrock_26]

Cripes. Are you secretly *me*? Because everything Stanford-related cuts closer to the bone for me than a lot of the cosmic angst in all the later seasons, and I was beginning to feel like I was the only one who was still ridiculously upset about it.

[sparrow_lately]

No but it's so much more heartbreaking in a way than the apocalypse or hell or all that, because this is a thing that happens to real families, it's a totally realistic situation (well, minus the demons and a kid who went to three schools a semester slapping together a coherent enough transcript to apply to college by the time he's 18) with no clear right or wrong, and both of them are a little selfish and also justified in their selfishness, and and and and GAH.