Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 03
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 41
News
Tommy Brockless was successfully thawed and has fulfilled the purpose for which Torchwood has kept him in cryo-freeze. He was a very brave man. The Rift has been sealed and Tosh reports no anomalies.
Three weevil sightings and two dead dogs. Apparently Myfanwy’s gone off sheep.
The coffee machine is dying; don’t worry, I’ve ordered a new one (Jack, I forged your signature rather than bother waiting for the wailing to stop long enough for me to actually get you to sign the expenses form), but if there’s substandard coffee for a week it isn’t my fault. To placate you, I’ll get pastries every day from the bakery near my flat.
Personnel issues
Jack is finally back on the payroll (hurrah).
Tosh has taken three days of holiday, barring emergencies, and will not be back in the office until Sunday.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene - Tyler has finally succumbed to the disease that Owen refuses to call cancer).
Fish tank (less one baby fish - eaten).
Squirrel rats (one definitely pregnant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Gossip is not appreciated by anybody.
Tosh has asked me to remind everyone - again - that no food or drink is to be consumed near computers. Jack. Gwen. Pay attention.
Owen wants to know why there are condoms in his desk drawer. I should think the answer is obvious, but said I would include it here.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
It was just that one time, Ianto, Tosh. Can’t we just forget about it? I’m really much better with the computers now. Three feet at all times with food and drink, honest!
And I would never gossip, me!...so how was the date?
Gwen
Getting very excited!
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Hey! How come only Gwen and I are mentioned? Owen’s the one who keeps leaving chocolate wrappers at his desk. He’s also the one who got tomato sauce on the Rift Manipulator the last time we had Fish and Chips.
I’ve spoken to Tosh this morning and, though she appreciates your concern, Gwen, she said she’d rather nobody goes over to check-up on her. I know she was very upset, but I think it’ll be best if we all just leave her alone.
(A reasonably happy and content) Captain Jack Harkness
Coffee, Ianto? Please? I promise not to complain if it’s...substandard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Shouldn’t it be mentioned in the Personnel issues that Ianto has obviously lost leave of his senses and we should all take a cautious approach when talking to him? Unless, of course, anybody has a better reason for why he's shagging Jack again?
Speaking of, Ianto, you have let me down. I thought you would have more sense than that. Which of you girls had four weeks before he’d cave and let Jack back into his pants?
Also, Ianto, the Weevil (I refuse to call it Tyler. Wasn’t Jack banned from naming the Weevils? If not, WHY NOT?!) didn’t die of cancer, it died of Weevil pneumonia.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and apparently the only person, with the possible exception of Tosh, left on this team who isn’t insane.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
What’s the matter, Owen, jealous?
Jack, you and Gwen are mentioned because despite his faults, Owen’s never broken a keyboard through pouring liquid onto it. You two have.
Coffee and pastries in…five minutes, Jack?
By the way, Owen, any idea of the gestation period for the squirrel rat? She’s getting…rather large.
Ianto
A rather satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
…is that code for you two snogging in his office?
Gwen
Getting very excited!
* * *
To: Gwen , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve only broken two keyboards by getting liquid on them. The others were broken in more...enjoyable situations ;)
Since when have I needed code, Gwen? I’m shocked. Though, now you mention it, snogging in the office is not a bad idea...
(An optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen ,
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Not jealous, just disappointed. I thought you had more sense. I mean, Jack? You do realise this isn’t going to end well? And that is all I have to say on the subject. I don’t want to know anything; nothing about dates, how madly in love you are or if you suddenly decide you’re getting married and want a Weevil to walk you down the aisle. This means don’t email me footage, Jack, or you’ll find I don’t give you the good drugs next time you decide to fall off of a building.
I’m expecting the squirrel-rat to give birth any day now. I’ve got a section of the autopsy room prepared just in case there are any complications, but I think it’s probably best if we get her into an isolated cell and then, hopefully, just allow nature to take its course.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and completely uninterested in the sex-lives of his fellow alien-hunters.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve had sudden visions of a weevil walking Ianto down an aisle. It’s not pretty. Jack, if weevils disrupt my wedding I will kill you. Lots of times.
Gwen
Getting rather worried now…
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Your thoughts are noted, Owen. Don’t worry, I’m not being stupid.
Gwen, you’re getting married outside Cardiff; Weevils tend to stick to the city centre. You should be safe. If not, don’t worry, I’ll be bringing my gun and weevil spray.
Also, Owen, if Jack falls off a building he’ll be dead. Therefore the good drugs won’t be needed.
Ianto
A rather satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
The good drugs aren’t to stop him dying, they’re to stop him complaining about a bad head/back/arse etc when he comes back. Though, following the our recent experience with Captain John, can I personally request, Jack, that you not fall off any more buildings? If I have to go through all that complaining again I’ll find a way to kill you and make it stick.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To:, Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Don’t worry, Gwen, there’s no way your wedding could be as bad as the Torchwood Wedding of 1989 when the groom turned out to have a Water Hog growing in his throat. We’ll take our weapons just in case, but I’m sure they won’t be needed. :)
(A freshly caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Oh dear. Jack, I’m not entirely sure you should have said that.
Ianto
A very satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
1) STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES.
2) If my wedding is ruined by weevils or water hogs or John bloody Hart, I am not kidding, I will make you HURT.
Gwen
Getting rather worried now…
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Good morning, everyone. Thanks to whoever left a chocolate croissant at my desk.
Gwen, if you start panicking about the wedding, find a paper bag and breathe into it and then have a glass of water.
Ianto, has the new coffee machine arrived yet?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Should be here on Monday, Tosh. Fancy going out for lunch today?
Oh, and Owen, I don’t appreciate the joke.
Ianto
A very satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Squirrel rat appears to have gone into labour; looking good so far. Further update to follow.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Nice to have you back, Tosh. I know I speak for all of us, including Owen, when I say it's not been the same without you.
Seeing as how the sun is shining for once why don't we all go out for lunch to welcome back Tosh and to celebrate the birth of the squirrel-rat (assuming it goes okay)? My treat. :)
(A peckish) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I can confirm that Mummy squirrel-rat has given birth to a healthy, male, baby squirrel-rat. Baby squirrel-rat was delivered naturally and it is a healthy weight. At least I assume it's a healthy weight as it doesn't look malnourished and those past reports Ianto found for me were completely unhelpful.
I am also pleased to announce that Baby squirrel-rat obviously gets it's looks from Daddy squirrel-rat as it's a damn sight better looking than its Mother.
Girls, if one of you brings me a Kit-Kat you can come coo over it now. Oh, and Ianto, the Mother's cell needs cleaned. Looks like squirrel-rat birth is just as messy as a human birth. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Sorry Jack, maybe another day. Ianto and I like our lunches together.
That baby is just adorable! But…should it be eating its own amniotic fluid like that?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Lunch sounds good to me, Jack - you can take me and Owen out, let those two have their gossipy lunch by themselves.
Owen, you should clean it up yourself. You’re the doctor after all.
Gwen
Back to excited again!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’m not sure, Tosh, but I suspect not. Frankly, I’m more worried about the way the mother is looking at it. It looks far too much like the weevils during feeding hour for my comfort. Somebody bring me back a sandwich, I think I’m going to be here a while.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert.
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Looks like it’s just me and you, Gwen. How does twenty minutes sound? What sandwich do you want, Owen?
Tosh, Ianto, will you just promise me you’ll not go to Starbucks? I’m fairly certain we got all those Chimera coffee beans, but better safe than sorry. You two thinking you’re leprechauns for an afternoon I can handle. You two thinking you’re Judoon and attempting to over-throw the planet...well that worries me, mostly because I think you’d probably succeed. (And before you even say it, Ianto, this is NOT a suggestion, a good idea or whatever smart-arse reply you’re cooking up in that brain of yours.)
(An ever-so-slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jack. And I’m sure Tosh doesn’t either.
Owen, if you haven’t already, I’d suggest moving the baby into an empty cell.
Also, Jack, using coffee beans to create lewd artwork on my desk isn’t going to make me sleep with you before the third date. Just so you know.
Ianto
Coffee god, plotting world domination
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Got to get out early tonight, hope nobody minds - Rhys has a surprise planned, apparently!
Gwen
Back to excited!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I would never plot. Perhaps ponder, but never plot. I’m amazed you thought such a thing, Jack.
Ianto, shall we do lunch again on Friday?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve moved them both so they’re now at opposite ends of level 3, though I’m still not happy with the look on the mother’s face. She was gnawing at the wall when I left. I’m going to try increasing her food, see if that helps.
Bacon please, Jack. With plenty of brown-sauce. Oh, and make sure you get it from Milligans, not Greggs or Dixons, and make sure it’s hot. There’s nothing worse than a cold bacon sarnie.
Also, Jack, you are an idiot.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert.
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
...Uh, Ianto, I’ve not touched your coffee-beans. I admit, I did all the drawings on your note-pads, but I’ve not been near your desk since last night. Does this mean I’ve got a rival for your affections? Should I be jealous?
Seeing as how we were in late last night I was going to let you go early tonight anyway, Gwen. Same rules as always, just make sure you keep your mobile handy, just in case.
(An intrigued) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
…if it wasn’t you, who the hell was it?
Ianto
Coffee god, plotting world domination.
Part 04
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 41
News
Tommy Brockless was successfully thawed and has fulfilled the purpose for which Torchwood has kept him in cryo-freeze. He was a very brave man. The Rift has been sealed and Tosh reports no anomalies.
Three weevil sightings and two dead dogs. Apparently Myfanwy’s gone off sheep.
The coffee machine is dying; don’t worry, I’ve ordered a new one (Jack, I forged your signature rather than bother waiting for the wailing to stop long enough for me to actually get you to sign the expenses form), but if there’s substandard coffee for a week it isn’t my fault. To placate you, I’ll get pastries every day from the bakery near my flat.
Personnel issues
Jack is finally back on the payroll (hurrah).
Tosh has taken three days of holiday, barring emergencies, and will not be back in the office until Sunday.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene - Tyler has finally succumbed to the disease that Owen refuses to call cancer).
Fish tank (less one baby fish - eaten).
Squirrel rats (one definitely pregnant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Gossip is not appreciated by anybody.
Tosh has asked me to remind everyone - again - that no food or drink is to be consumed near computers. Jack. Gwen. Pay attention.
Owen wants to know why there are condoms in his desk drawer. I should think the answer is obvious, but said I would include it here.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
It was just that one time, Ianto, Tosh. Can’t we just forget about it? I’m really much better with the computers now. Three feet at all times with food and drink, honest!
And I would never gossip, me!...so how was the date?
Gwen
Getting very excited!
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Hey! How come only Gwen and I are mentioned? Owen’s the one who keeps leaving chocolate wrappers at his desk. He’s also the one who got tomato sauce on the Rift Manipulator the last time we had Fish and Chips.
I’ve spoken to Tosh this morning and, though she appreciates your concern, Gwen, she said she’d rather nobody goes over to check-up on her. I know she was very upset, but I think it’ll be best if we all just leave her alone.
(A reasonably happy and content) Captain Jack Harkness
Coffee, Ianto? Please? I promise not to complain if it’s...substandard.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Shouldn’t it be mentioned in the Personnel issues that Ianto has obviously lost leave of his senses and we should all take a cautious approach when talking to him? Unless, of course, anybody has a better reason for why he's shagging Jack again?
Speaking of, Ianto, you have let me down. I thought you would have more sense than that. Which of you girls had four weeks before he’d cave and let Jack back into his pants?
Also, Ianto, the Weevil (I refuse to call it Tyler. Wasn’t Jack banned from naming the Weevils? If not, WHY NOT?!) didn’t die of cancer, it died of Weevil pneumonia.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and apparently the only person, with the possible exception of Tosh, left on this team who isn’t insane.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
What’s the matter, Owen, jealous?
Jack, you and Gwen are mentioned because despite his faults, Owen’s never broken a keyboard through pouring liquid onto it. You two have.
Coffee and pastries in…five minutes, Jack?
By the way, Owen, any idea of the gestation period for the squirrel rat? She’s getting…rather large.
Ianto
A rather satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
…is that code for you two snogging in his office?
Gwen
Getting very excited!
* * *
To: Gwen , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve only broken two keyboards by getting liquid on them. The others were broken in more...enjoyable situations ;)
Since when have I needed code, Gwen? I’m shocked. Though, now you mention it, snogging in the office is not a bad idea...
(An optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen ,
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Not jealous, just disappointed. I thought you had more sense. I mean, Jack? You do realise this isn’t going to end well? And that is all I have to say on the subject. I don’t want to know anything; nothing about dates, how madly in love you are or if you suddenly decide you’re getting married and want a Weevil to walk you down the aisle. This means don’t email me footage, Jack, or you’ll find I don’t give you the good drugs next time you decide to fall off of a building.
I’m expecting the squirrel-rat to give birth any day now. I’ve got a section of the autopsy room prepared just in case there are any complications, but I think it’s probably best if we get her into an isolated cell and then, hopefully, just allow nature to take its course.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and completely uninterested in the sex-lives of his fellow alien-hunters.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve had sudden visions of a weevil walking Ianto down an aisle. It’s not pretty. Jack, if weevils disrupt my wedding I will kill you. Lots of times.
Gwen
Getting rather worried now…
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Your thoughts are noted, Owen. Don’t worry, I’m not being stupid.
Gwen, you’re getting married outside Cardiff; Weevils tend to stick to the city centre. You should be safe. If not, don’t worry, I’ll be bringing my gun and weevil spray.
Also, Owen, if Jack falls off a building he’ll be dead. Therefore the good drugs won’t be needed.
Ianto
A rather satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
The good drugs aren’t to stop him dying, they’re to stop him complaining about a bad head/back/arse etc when he comes back. Though, following the our recent experience with Captain John, can I personally request, Jack, that you not fall off any more buildings? If I have to go through all that complaining again I’ll find a way to kill you and make it stick.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To:, Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Don’t worry, Gwen, there’s no way your wedding could be as bad as the Torchwood Wedding of 1989 when the groom turned out to have a Water Hog growing in his throat. We’ll take our weapons just in case, but I’m sure they won’t be needed. :)
(A freshly caffeinated) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Oh dear. Jack, I’m not entirely sure you should have said that.
Ianto
A very satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
1) STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES.
2) If my wedding is ruined by weevils or water hogs or John bloody Hart, I am not kidding, I will make you HURT.
Gwen
Getting rather worried now…
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Good morning, everyone. Thanks to whoever left a chocolate croissant at my desk.
Gwen, if you start panicking about the wedding, find a paper bag and breathe into it and then have a glass of water.
Ianto, has the new coffee machine arrived yet?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Should be here on Monday, Tosh. Fancy going out for lunch today?
Oh, and Owen, I don’t appreciate the joke.
Ianto
A very satisfied coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Squirrel rat appears to have gone into labour; looking good so far. Further update to follow.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Nice to have you back, Tosh. I know I speak for all of us, including Owen, when I say it's not been the same without you.
Seeing as how the sun is shining for once why don't we all go out for lunch to welcome back Tosh and to celebrate the birth of the squirrel-rat (assuming it goes okay)? My treat. :)
(A peckish) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I can confirm that Mummy squirrel-rat has given birth to a healthy, male, baby squirrel-rat. Baby squirrel-rat was delivered naturally and it is a healthy weight. At least I assume it's a healthy weight as it doesn't look malnourished and those past reports Ianto found for me were completely unhelpful.
I am also pleased to announce that Baby squirrel-rat obviously gets it's looks from Daddy squirrel-rat as it's a damn sight better looking than its Mother.
Girls, if one of you brings me a Kit-Kat you can come coo over it now. Oh, and Ianto, the Mother's cell needs cleaned. Looks like squirrel-rat birth is just as messy as a human birth. Ta.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Squirrel-Rat Midwife Extraordinaire!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Sorry Jack, maybe another day. Ianto and I like our lunches together.
That baby is just adorable! But…should it be eating its own amniotic fluid like that?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Lunch sounds good to me, Jack - you can take me and Owen out, let those two have their gossipy lunch by themselves.
Owen, you should clean it up yourself. You’re the doctor after all.
Gwen
Back to excited again!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’m not sure, Tosh, but I suspect not. Frankly, I’m more worried about the way the mother is looking at it. It looks far too much like the weevils during feeding hour for my comfort. Somebody bring me back a sandwich, I think I’m going to be here a while.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert.
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Looks like it’s just me and you, Gwen. How does twenty minutes sound? What sandwich do you want, Owen?
Tosh, Ianto, will you just promise me you’ll not go to Starbucks? I’m fairly certain we got all those Chimera coffee beans, but better safe than sorry. You two thinking you’re leprechauns for an afternoon I can handle. You two thinking you’re Judoon and attempting to over-throw the planet...well that worries me, mostly because I think you’d probably succeed. (And before you even say it, Ianto, this is NOT a suggestion, a good idea or whatever smart-arse reply you’re cooking up in that brain of yours.)
(An ever-so-slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I have no idea what you’re talking about, Jack. And I’m sure Tosh doesn’t either.
Owen, if you haven’t already, I’d suggest moving the baby into an empty cell.
Also, Jack, using coffee beans to create lewd artwork on my desk isn’t going to make me sleep with you before the third date. Just so you know.
Ianto
Coffee god, plotting world domination
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
Got to get out early tonight, hope nobody minds - Rhys has a surprise planned, apparently!
Gwen
Back to excited!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I would never plot. Perhaps ponder, but never plot. I’m amazed you thought such a thing, Jack.
Ianto, shall we do lunch again on Friday?
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
I’ve moved them both so they’re now at opposite ends of level 3, though I’m still not happy with the look on the mother’s face. She was gnawing at the wall when I left. I’m going to try increasing her food, see if that helps.
Bacon please, Jack. With plenty of brown-sauce. Oh, and make sure you get it from Milligans, not Greggs or Dixons, and make sure it’s hot. There’s nothing worse than a cold bacon sarnie.
Also, Jack, you are an idiot.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe, Sex-God and Soon To Be Squirrel-Rat Expert.
* * *
To: Gwen , Tosh , Owen , Ianto
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
...Uh, Ianto, I’ve not touched your coffee-beans. I admit, I did all the drawings on your note-pads, but I’ve not been near your desk since last night. Does this mean I’ve got a rival for your affections? Should I be jealous?
Seeing as how we were in late last night I was going to let you go early tonight anyway, Gwen. Same rules as always, just make sure you keep your mobile handy, just in case.
(An intrigued) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 41
…if it wasn’t you, who the hell was it?
Ianto
Coffee god, plotting world domination.
Part 04