Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 04
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 42
News
After the events of yesterday, Owen and I have finally finished disposing of the space whale and all evidence. Unfortunately we can’t tell if there’s any meat still on the market, but if there is, it should be gone fairly soon. The workers have all been Retconned and placed in rehabilitation centres far from Cardiff, as unfortunately there was a slight miscalculation with the dosage and they’ve forgotten several years.
Rhys Williams is now aware of Torchwood and what we do. He acted very bravely and was of great help during the investigation. Owen says his wound will heal well.
Personnel issues
Gwen has requested a day’s leave to look after her fiancé.
I have also submitted a request for two days’ leave at the weekend.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Owen has decided to keep a closer eye on the stock of Retcon. It will now be under lock and key, and every pill must be accounted for.
Do not request anything for lunch involving meat for at least three weeks; by this time, Tosh estimates, any remaining suspect meat should be out of circulation. If you want a ham sandwich, etc, buy it yourself.
I will be spending the next few days sorting out a section of the archives; interruptions for coffee will not be appreciated.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Are you alright, Ianto?
I can’t get that creature’s cries out of my head.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Owen would also like to point out that any Torchwood personnel who gets taken hostage, however briefly, must get a full medical. Yes, Ianto, I did notice you sneaking out last night, and yes, I can see you rubbing your wrists, so don’t even THINK about going into those archives until I’ve checked you over.
You’ve got ten minutes to get your arse down here or I’ll give you your flu vaccine early, WITHOUT anybody holding your hand.
Tosh, if you feel you want to talk about the other day, from a medical point-of-view, you know where I am. If you’d feel more comfortable talking to somebody else I can email you the details for some councillors. A couple even know about what we do, following Canary Wharf; I think some of them are also on the UNIT pay-roll, but don’t let that put you off.
For future reference; I’m never ordering a meat-feast pizza again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto, I am neither amused nor impressed that you’ve not been to see Owen yet. You know the protocol. Get down there now before I drag you down.
Tosh, my door is always open if you want to talk about anything. That applies to the rest of you. I also found this Trakenite jewellery box in my room the other day. I forgot I even had it. I’ve also forgot the code to get it open. You fancy having a play-around with it?
(A decidedly unimpressed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’m fine, as I’m sure Owen will concur in ten minutes.
And Jack? If you attempt to drag me anywhere I will hurt you. Don’t think I won’t.
And I wasn’t sneaking, I was leaving in full view. It was hardly my fault that Gwen had already left, Owen was busy in autopsy and Tosh was immersing herself in technology.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto! I didn’t know you were hurt! Owen, he’s alright, isn’t he? But you’re right, Ianto, you weren’t sneaking out - none of us were paying any attention to anything but our own misery last night, and we all should have known better.
I’d definitely like to have a look at that, Jack, thank you. I’ll be alright, it was just so horrible, what they did to that thing. I hate seeing things in captivity like that, and in pain. It was just…so awful.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’ll bring it over in a few minutes, Tosh. We can also go over those Mainframe updates you were talking about the other day, decide which ones are the highest priorities etc.
Ianto, I don’t care if you think you’re fine or not, any injuries or illnesses, however slight, are to be reported to Owen. Each member of this team is too important to me to lose to something preventable.
(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto is fine; some minor rope burns on his wrists, but otherwise he’s unharmed. As a precaution, and at the risk of substandard coffee, Ianto has been reduced to light-duties for the rest of the week. This includes heavy lifting, so any large items that are needed from the archives will have to be carried up by either myself or Jack.
Tosh, my computer is going a bit slow again. You fancy having a look over it when you’ve finished playing with that toy Jack’s left you?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
If you’re that concerned, Jack, you might have thought about it before cancelling last night. Oh, wait, that would imply you let me know rather than stood me up in favour of brooding.
Anything that needs fetching from the archives will be strictly under my supervision. No exceptions.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
He didn’t, not really? Oh, Jack, how could you?
Owen, your computer is running slowly because you overload it with video games and suspect porn. I cleaned two viruses off the system last week, traced back to your terminal. Don’t make me increase the firewall, you won’t like it.
The mainframe will be down overnight on Thursday while I run upgrades.
Tosh
Annoyed tech wizard - be very, very afraid.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I didn’t get a chance to “stand you up” because, correct me if I’m wrong, but our plans were to go straight from work to that the cinema to see the new Bond film that YOU wanted to see. Except, you went and left before I even got a chance to grab my coat. Even OWEN was still here when you left.
I didn’t check up on you because last time I came over when you were injured you complained for the ENTIRE EVENING that you didn’t want me there. I was also stupid enough to think you had more sense and would have Owen check you over without needing to be escorted like a ten year old!
(An even more irate) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Tosh, grab your coat. We’re going out for a long lunch. If I don’t see the blood I won’t have to clean it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’m sorry, Owen, when do you ever clean up?
I left, Jack, because you were too busy sitting in your office watching Gwen and Rhys on the CCTV. It was quite clear where I come in your list of priorities. Did you even realise that one of those idiots had a gun to my head at one point in the warehouse?
I have an appointment with Detective Swanson in 45 minutes, I’ll be back by three.
Ianto
Extremely pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Be right there, Owen.
Tosh
Annoyed tech wizard - be very, very afraid.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
No, Ianto, it completely escaped my notice that some bastard was pointing a loaded gun at my boyfriend's face. Do you really think so little of me that because I HAD to send you after him, that I didn't notice that seconds earlier he'd been holding a gun to your face? Or perhaps you think I just didn't care?
(A disbelieving, and slightly hurt) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
When the blood's pouring out of your head or out of Jack's chest I have to clear it up.
I was going to ask if Tosh and I can come back yet, but the answer is obviously no. I'll check again in an hour.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Okay, so it’s been several hours - I know Ianto said he was going to a meeting with Detective Swanson, but…should we be worried?
Jack, are you seriously telling me that you don’t know why he’s so upset?
Tosh
Irritated tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I've just seen Ianto come in, Tosh, and I'd say we should be worried. He doesn't look happy.
I'd watch your coffee for the foreseeable future, Jack.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
...He's upset because I didn't go over last night and he MISTAKENLY thinks I don't care about him. Isn't he?
(A now slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I've said it before, Jack, and I'll say it again - You. Are. An. Idiot.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
For once, Owen, I’m forced to agree with you.
I’ve liaised with Detective Swanson about the last of the clean-up from yesterday’s fiasco (whose idea was it to burn the warehouse down, remind me?) and several other routine matters. There’s coffee in the pot, and I’ll be in the archives until six-thirty after which, assuming the world hasn’t ended and the weevils haven’t revolted, I’ll be doing my evening rounds and going home.
Don’t forget that Gwen is back tomorrow.
Ianto
Extremely pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Jack, take me out for a drink tonight and I’ll attempt to explain in words of one syllable.
Tosh
Irritated tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I still stand by my decision to burn down the building. I didn't want any of that warehouse left standing.
Tosh, if I bring you over a new toy to play with will you explain it now? I will, of course, still be delighted to take you out for a drink. ;)
(A very confused) Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Later, Jack, some of us actually have work to do.
I’ve had a call from Gwen, she’s coming in for a couple of hours. Apparently Rhys is watching a match or something and she’s bored to tears.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
…I’m out for less than a day and it feels like world war three around here. What’s happened?
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Update List for One, Gwen Cooper:
#1 - Ianto is in a huff.
#2 - Jack is in a huff because Ianto is in a huff.
#3 - Jack is an idiot because, not only does he not understand why Ianto is in a huff, it’s also his fault Ianto is annoyed.
#4 - Ianto is refusing to make anybody coffee, except Tosh, for some reason. The only coffee he is serving is that horrible decaff stuff that I wouldn’t feed to a Weevil.
#5 - Tosh and I had a nice lunch at The Red Lion so we could avoid these two squabbling like children over email. A nice lunch which Torchwood is paying for, by the way.
#6 - Did I mention that Jack is an idiot and if Ianto does decide to start sticking knifes in him he’ll get no sympathy for me.
Have I forgotten anything, Tosh?
Also, not that anybody seems to care about anything other than the incredibly tedious soap opera that is The Jack and Ianto Show, but the female squirrel-rat is no longer eating everything in sight. Baby squirrel-rat is also growing nicely, but would whoever keeps sneaking in cat toys for it to play with please cease immediately. It’s far too young to be getting stoned on cat-nip.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
That about covers it, thanks Owen. I’ll just do a bit of paperwork and head home, then.
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
He’s making me coffee because I’m polite, Owen. Also because I helped him move some things around in the archives.
I didn’t put catnip toys in the cell, Owen, but don’t you think the baby does need stimulation? I thought I might stop by a pet shop before work and bring something in tomorrow.
Speaking of, as it’s nearing seven and Ianto’s already gone, I’m heading off.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
No cat-nip and nothing that makes an annoying sound, other than that, if you want to waste your wages on squirrel-rat toys, Tosh, go for it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’ll see you out, Tosh. I do believe I owe you a drink before I go see Ianto and see if I can’t get him talking to me again without resorting to grovelling ;)
(A cautiously optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
So, do we think Jack and Ianto have made up? I’m not gossiping, so you can wipe that smirk off your face, Gwen Cooper, but I’d rather not take a sip of my coffee until I know it’s not cold, decaff and/or poisoned. Ianto didn’t look anywhere near as murderous today, but I’d still rather be sure before I attempt the coffee.
...Jack appears to be drinking his without grimacing today. Good sign?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Whilst I’m clearly thrilled that you all feel discussing my mood is the most important thing you could be doing with your time, there has been a weevil alert in Bute Park. In daylight, so it’s probably at least a little rabid.
Jack? Weevil hunt?
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Did I say anything, Owen?
Jack - STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES!!!!!
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Something’s come through the Rift in Bute Park, actually, you can pick that up at the same time, if you don’t mind. Saves us all going, really. Small and inanimate, from what I can see. Small enough for a standard containment box.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Don’t worry, Tosh, Ianto and I will handle it. There’s no better start to the day than a Weevil-Chase/Treasure Hunt in a Cardiff rain-storm. ;)
(A predatory) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 05
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 42
News
After the events of yesterday, Owen and I have finally finished disposing of the space whale and all evidence. Unfortunately we can’t tell if there’s any meat still on the market, but if there is, it should be gone fairly soon. The workers have all been Retconned and placed in rehabilitation centres far from Cardiff, as unfortunately there was a slight miscalculation with the dosage and they’ve forgotten several years.
Rhys Williams is now aware of Torchwood and what we do. He acted very bravely and was of great help during the investigation. Owen says his wound will heal well.
Personnel issues
Gwen has requested a day’s leave to look after her fiancé.
I have also submitted a request for two days’ leave at the weekend.
Inmates
Two weevils (Janet and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (10 - one infant).
Five humans (Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Owen has decided to keep a closer eye on the stock of Retcon. It will now be under lock and key, and every pill must be accounted for.
Do not request anything for lunch involving meat for at least three weeks; by this time, Tosh estimates, any remaining suspect meat should be out of circulation. If you want a ham sandwich, etc, buy it yourself.
I will be spending the next few days sorting out a section of the archives; interruptions for coffee will not be appreciated.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Are you alright, Ianto?
I can’t get that creature’s cries out of my head.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Owen would also like to point out that any Torchwood personnel who gets taken hostage, however briefly, must get a full medical. Yes, Ianto, I did notice you sneaking out last night, and yes, I can see you rubbing your wrists, so don’t even THINK about going into those archives until I’ve checked you over.
You’ve got ten minutes to get your arse down here or I’ll give you your flu vaccine early, WITHOUT anybody holding your hand.
Tosh, if you feel you want to talk about the other day, from a medical point-of-view, you know where I am. If you’d feel more comfortable talking to somebody else I can email you the details for some councillors. A couple even know about what we do, following Canary Wharf; I think some of them are also on the UNIT pay-roll, but don’t let that put you off.
For future reference; I’m never ordering a meat-feast pizza again.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto, I am neither amused nor impressed that you’ve not been to see Owen yet. You know the protocol. Get down there now before I drag you down.
Tosh, my door is always open if you want to talk about anything. That applies to the rest of you. I also found this Trakenite jewellery box in my room the other day. I forgot I even had it. I’ve also forgot the code to get it open. You fancy having a play-around with it?
(A decidedly unimpressed) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’m fine, as I’m sure Owen will concur in ten minutes.
And Jack? If you attempt to drag me anywhere I will hurt you. Don’t think I won’t.
And I wasn’t sneaking, I was leaving in full view. It was hardly my fault that Gwen had already left, Owen was busy in autopsy and Tosh was immersing herself in technology.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto! I didn’t know you were hurt! Owen, he’s alright, isn’t he? But you’re right, Ianto, you weren’t sneaking out - none of us were paying any attention to anything but our own misery last night, and we all should have known better.
I’d definitely like to have a look at that, Jack, thank you. I’ll be alright, it was just so horrible, what they did to that thing. I hate seeing things in captivity like that, and in pain. It was just…so awful.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’ll bring it over in a few minutes, Tosh. We can also go over those Mainframe updates you were talking about the other day, decide which ones are the highest priorities etc.
Ianto, I don’t care if you think you’re fine or not, any injuries or illnesses, however slight, are to be reported to Owen. Each member of this team is too important to me to lose to something preventable.
(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Ianto is fine; some minor rope burns on his wrists, but otherwise he’s unharmed. As a precaution, and at the risk of substandard coffee, Ianto has been reduced to light-duties for the rest of the week. This includes heavy lifting, so any large items that are needed from the archives will have to be carried up by either myself or Jack.
Tosh, my computer is going a bit slow again. You fancy having a look over it when you’ve finished playing with that toy Jack’s left you?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
If you’re that concerned, Jack, you might have thought about it before cancelling last night. Oh, wait, that would imply you let me know rather than stood me up in favour of brooding.
Anything that needs fetching from the archives will be strictly under my supervision. No exceptions.
Ianto
Pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
He didn’t, not really? Oh, Jack, how could you?
Owen, your computer is running slowly because you overload it with video games and suspect porn. I cleaned two viruses off the system last week, traced back to your terminal. Don’t make me increase the firewall, you won’t like it.
The mainframe will be down overnight on Thursday while I run upgrades.
Tosh
Annoyed tech wizard - be very, very afraid.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I didn’t get a chance to “stand you up” because, correct me if I’m wrong, but our plans were to go straight from work to that the cinema to see the new Bond film that YOU wanted to see. Except, you went and left before I even got a chance to grab my coat. Even OWEN was still here when you left.
I didn’t check up on you because last time I came over when you were injured you complained for the ENTIRE EVENING that you didn’t want me there. I was also stupid enough to think you had more sense and would have Owen check you over without needing to be escorted like a ten year old!
(An even more irate) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Tosh, grab your coat. We’re going out for a long lunch. If I don’t see the blood I won’t have to clean it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’m sorry, Owen, when do you ever clean up?
I left, Jack, because you were too busy sitting in your office watching Gwen and Rhys on the CCTV. It was quite clear where I come in your list of priorities. Did you even realise that one of those idiots had a gun to my head at one point in the warehouse?
I have an appointment with Detective Swanson in 45 minutes, I’ll be back by three.
Ianto
Extremely pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Be right there, Owen.
Tosh
Annoyed tech wizard - be very, very afraid.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
No, Ianto, it completely escaped my notice that some bastard was pointing a loaded gun at my boyfriend's face. Do you really think so little of me that because I HAD to send you after him, that I didn't notice that seconds earlier he'd been holding a gun to your face? Or perhaps you think I just didn't care?
(A disbelieving, and slightly hurt) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
When the blood's pouring out of your head or out of Jack's chest I have to clear it up.
I was going to ask if Tosh and I can come back yet, but the answer is obviously no. I'll check again in an hour.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
Sent from My BlackBerry from Virgin Mobile.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Okay, so it’s been several hours - I know Ianto said he was going to a meeting with Detective Swanson, but…should we be worried?
Jack, are you seriously telling me that you don’t know why he’s so upset?
Tosh
Irritated tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I've just seen Ianto come in, Tosh, and I'd say we should be worried. He doesn't look happy.
I'd watch your coffee for the foreseeable future, Jack.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
...He's upset because I didn't go over last night and he MISTAKENLY thinks I don't care about him. Isn't he?
(A now slightly worried) Captain Jack Harkness
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I've said it before, Jack, and I'll say it again - You. Are. An. Idiot.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
For once, Owen, I’m forced to agree with you.
I’ve liaised with Detective Swanson about the last of the clean-up from yesterday’s fiasco (whose idea was it to burn the warehouse down, remind me?) and several other routine matters. There’s coffee in the pot, and I’ll be in the archives until six-thirty after which, assuming the world hasn’t ended and the weevils haven’t revolted, I’ll be doing my evening rounds and going home.
Don’t forget that Gwen is back tomorrow.
Ianto
Extremely pissed off coffee god.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Jack, take me out for a drink tonight and I’ll attempt to explain in words of one syllable.
Tosh
Irritated tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I still stand by my decision to burn down the building. I didn't want any of that warehouse left standing.
Tosh, if I bring you over a new toy to play with will you explain it now? I will, of course, still be delighted to take you out for a drink. ;)
(A very confused) Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Later, Jack, some of us actually have work to do.
I’ve had a call from Gwen, she’s coming in for a couple of hours. Apparently Rhys is watching a match or something and she’s bored to tears.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
…I’m out for less than a day and it feels like world war three around here. What’s happened?
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Update List for One, Gwen Cooper:
#1 - Ianto is in a huff.
#2 - Jack is in a huff because Ianto is in a huff.
#3 - Jack is an idiot because, not only does he not understand why Ianto is in a huff, it’s also his fault Ianto is annoyed.
#4 - Ianto is refusing to make anybody coffee, except Tosh, for some reason. The only coffee he is serving is that horrible decaff stuff that I wouldn’t feed to a Weevil.
#5 - Tosh and I had a nice lunch at The Red Lion so we could avoid these two squabbling like children over email. A nice lunch which Torchwood is paying for, by the way.
#6 - Did I mention that Jack is an idiot and if Ianto does decide to start sticking knifes in him he’ll get no sympathy for me.
Have I forgotten anything, Tosh?
Also, not that anybody seems to care about anything other than the incredibly tedious soap opera that is The Jack and Ianto Show, but the female squirrel-rat is no longer eating everything in sight. Baby squirrel-rat is also growing nicely, but would whoever keeps sneaking in cat toys for it to play with please cease immediately. It’s far too young to be getting stoned on cat-nip.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
That about covers it, thanks Owen. I’ll just do a bit of paperwork and head home, then.
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
He’s making me coffee because I’m polite, Owen. Also because I helped him move some things around in the archives.
I didn’t put catnip toys in the cell, Owen, but don’t you think the baby does need stimulation? I thought I might stop by a pet shop before work and bring something in tomorrow.
Speaking of, as it’s nearing seven and Ianto’s already gone, I’m heading off.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
No cat-nip and nothing that makes an annoying sound, other than that, if you want to waste your wages on squirrel-rat toys, Tosh, go for it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
I’ll see you out, Tosh. I do believe I owe you a drink before I go see Ianto and see if I can’t get him talking to me again without resorting to grovelling ;)
(A cautiously optimistic) Captain Jack Harkness.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Gwen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
So, do we think Jack and Ianto have made up? I’m not gossiping, so you can wipe that smirk off your face, Gwen Cooper, but I’d rather not take a sip of my coffee until I know it’s not cold, decaff and/or poisoned. Ianto didn’t look anywhere near as murderous today, but I’d still rather be sure before I attempt the coffee.
...Jack appears to be drinking his without grimacing today. Good sign?
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Whilst I’m clearly thrilled that you all feel discussing my mood is the most important thing you could be doing with your time, there has been a weevil alert in Bute Park. In daylight, so it’s probably at least a little rabid.
Jack? Weevil hunt?
Ianto
Coffee god. Bow before me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Did I say anything, Owen?
Jack - STOP USING THOSE BLOODY SMILEY FACES!!!!!
Gwen
Relieved, actually.
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Something’s come through the Rift in Bute Park, actually, you can pick that up at the same time, if you don’t mind. Saves us all going, really. Small and inanimate, from what I can see. Small enough for a standard containment box.
Tosh
Tech wizard - be afraid, be very afraid!
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 42
Don’t worry, Tosh, Ianto and I will handle it. There’s no better start to the day than a Weevil-Chase/Treasure Hunt in a Cardiff rain-storm. ;)
(A predatory) Captain Jack Harkness.
Part 05