Fic: Personnel Issues - Part 02
Title: Personnel Issues
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 40
News
After the events of earlier this week, I’m pleased to say the clean-up operation is almost complete. All pertinent witnesses have been retconned as appropriate, and Tosh has fed the media a particularly clever cover story. Detective Swanson is suspicious, but our working relationship with the Cardiff police force has improved dramatically since Gwen and I took over from Jack’s rather bull-headed methods of communication.
Four weevil sightings as well as, of course, the sleeper cell, and another drugged blowfish. I suggest we look into the possibility of them starting up another drugs racket, although the fact that the two blowfish were stoned rather suggests they weren’t dealing.
Also, the Hoix has finally starved to death, and Owen is now responsible for either disposal or autopsy.
Personnel issues
Jack, you still haven’t signed those forms, thus you are still working unpaid. I’m sure this doesn’t matter to you, but I would like the paperwork up to date by the end of the week, please.
Owen, for the hundredth time, you cannot claim expenses for clothing ruined after work hours. I do not care how many times you swear at me, you will not be receiving compensation for clothing torn in bar fights or wild sex escapades.
Also I think everyone is aware by now that in three months Gwen will be getting married: I suggest the rest of you make sure the two weeks afterwards are in your diaries, as you will not be able to take leave during those weeks.
Inmates
Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (still at nine, but I think one’s pregnant).
Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
One stupid captain.
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Tosh would like to inform the team in general that eating and drinking next to the computers is strictly forbidden. On a related note, I will hurt whoever had the audacity to bring instant into the Hub.
Also I’d like it clearly noted that handcuffs left on my desk will be put into the incinerator.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
But what about if I got into a bar-fight with what I thought was a Weevil, but was actually just a really ugly barman? Then do I get compensation?
I’ll autopsy the Hoix, we’ve not had one in a while. I want to compare it to the last one as this one seemed to take a lot longer to starve.
When’s the next coffee round? I’m going to need caffeine for this. And biscuits, preferably chocolate ones.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
I’ll get the forms done by the end of the week. Promise. But, you know, I’d get them done much quicker if you stayed back and helped me. Oh, and thank you for getting my coat sorted, I appreciate it. :)
There’s nothing wrong with my people skills - Detective Swanson just never forgave me for that time we shot the Welsh Rugby mascot. Not my fault it was a Weevil in disguise.
So, who’s going to own up to the handcuffs because, believe it or not, they’re not mine! Though, I’ll take them if nobody else wants them ;)
(A very, very apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness
Did I mention I’m sorry, because I am very sorry. Extremely sorry even. Please stop ignoring my emails, Ianto, otherwise I WILL be forced to take drastic measures.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Oi! How come Jack gets his coat repaired and I don’t even get my favourite shirt dry-cleaned?! FAVOURITISM, IANTO!
Speaking of favouritism, how come Jack gets to use smiley faces and I don’t? Last time I used one I had a dead arm for three days! I expect you to punch Jack, Gwen, the next time you see him or I’m taking this to the union (assuming we have a union).
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Coffee and biscuits will be round in ten minutes for everyone.
Owen, I am not your servant, therefore I will not be doing your dry-cleaning. Jack’s coat is an entirely different matter. And no, you don’t get compensation in those circumstances. After work means after work.
Jack, the end of the week is fine. The forms are already filled in except your reason for absence, where you went, and of course your signature. I hardly think you need my help to complete them. And I’m not ignoring your emails, I’m simply showing them the same courtesy you showed myself and the rest of the team.
The squirrel rat, by the way, is almost certainly pregnant. It’s nesting and getting bigger. Owen, could you do a scan or an ultrasound or something? I’d like to know what to expect.
Ianto
Coffee god, irritated and let down.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen, don’t worry, he’ll be hit. I really really hate emoticons!!!! Grrr!
And if we have a union I want to know about it!
I’m still not comfortable with letting the hoixes starve to death. It seems cruel somehow. I mean, they are sentient to some extent, aren’t they?
Anyone mind if I take next Tuesday off? I have a dress fitting in the morning, so I’d be in by lunchtime.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto ,
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Right, Ianto, meet me outside the Tourist Information Centre in 15 minutes. I think it’s about time we talked. If you’re going to throw something at me I’d much rather it was a packet of chips than one of Tosh’s scanners or my coffee cup.
You three, don’t blow anything up while we’re gone. And no, we don’t have a union. Feel free to make one.
(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness
Still looking for a new signature.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto ,
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
p.s. Yes, Gwen, you can have next Tuesday morning off. Why don’t you take the whole day off? Spend it doing wedding stuff with Rhys. Just make sure you keep your phone on and we’ll not call you unless it’s an emergency.
(A still irate) Captain Jack Harkness
Seriously, any suggestions?!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
They’ve been gone a long time, should we be worried or pleased?
Also - Gwen, the Hoix aren’t sentient as I think you mean it. From what we can tell they’re just like animals. Also we can’t afford to feed it, and we can’t let it go. Owen and previous medics have found it’s actually the most humane way to kill them. They have odd reactions to poisons and things.
Jack, when you get back, can you take a look at something for me? I’ve got an idea for updating the Rift prediction software, but I’d appreciate your input.
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Good thing, surely?
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
It depends. I’m guessing they’re either shagging like rabbits or Ianto has Jack tied up somewhere and he’s finding new and inventive ways to kill him. When, or if, they come back, I suspect we’ll be able to tell. Even Jack wouldn’t be smiling if he’d just spent four hours with a knife in his chest.
Trust me, Gwen, you don’t want to see what happens when a Hoix is injected with morphine. Messy doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
My love life is none of the team’s concern, thank you very much. Or do you want decaf?
Where are you going for your fitting, Gwen?
Owen, about that scan for the pregnant squirrel rat - will you do it or not?
Ianto
Pleasantly surprised but still not entirely confident. But still the coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Throw in another bag of jelly babies and promise not to put me on decaf for the rest of the year and we have a deal.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Sure thing, Tosh. I need to call the PM, but I’ll be down as soon as I’m done. You need me to bring anything or just myself?
(A moderately happier) Captain Jack Harkness
I’m giving up on the signatures as I’ve got far more important things to think about.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen - you can have the jelly babies, and I’ll give you the really good coffee for three days. Final offer. I can probably figure out how to use the equipment myself, you know.
Don’t forget Jack and I are leaving early today, please. We’ll have phones for Rift emergencies, but that really does mean emergencies, which do not include running out of coffee, biscuits, or amusement. Owen, I’m talking to you.
And don’t forget Gwen’s out tomorrow. Oh, and Friday is the 20th, so I expect we’ll all want to be in bright and early for Tommy.
Ianto
A cautiously optimistic coffee god
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
No, just yourself, please. Fully clothed and presentable, if you don’t mind!
So is Jack taking you out, Ianto? I hope you held out for somewhere really fancy. You deserve it after the way he left you.
Tosh
Tech wizard, living vicariously.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Ianto , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Make it five days and I promise to do the scan AND not ring unless the world is coming to an end.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
No problem, Tosh. I’ll be down in a few minutes. And yes, I am taking Ianto out. Yes, I’m taking him somewhere fancy. And yes, I will make it up to him if he lets me. (I’d promise to tell you all the gory details, but the last time I did that I was drinking instant for a month. Not going through that again!)
(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness
Wants to know what Owen did with his hair-gel.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen - you have a deal.
Jack - don’t be late.
Ianto
A cautiously optimistic coffee god
Part 03
Authors: sparking_off and pinkfairy727
Characters/Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys, Tosh, Owen,
Warnings: Canon character death, swearing
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 36,300
Beta: etmuse
Summary: The Torchwood Three email newsletter: an excuse to gossip, bitch, plan dates, fight, and discuss squirrel rats.
Spoilers: For all of series 2.
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Newsletter no. 40
News
After the events of earlier this week, I’m pleased to say the clean-up operation is almost complete. All pertinent witnesses have been retconned as appropriate, and Tosh has fed the media a particularly clever cover story. Detective Swanson is suspicious, but our working relationship with the Cardiff police force has improved dramatically since Gwen and I took over from Jack’s rather bull-headed methods of communication.
Four weevil sightings as well as, of course, the sleeper cell, and another drugged blowfish. I suggest we look into the possibility of them starting up another drugs racket, although the fact that the two blowfish were stoned rather suggests they weren’t dealing.
Also, the Hoix has finally starved to death, and Owen is now responsible for either disposal or autopsy.
Personnel issues
Jack, you still haven’t signed those forms, thus you are still working unpaid. I’m sure this doesn’t matter to you, but I would like the paperwork up to date by the end of the week, please.
Owen, for the hundredth time, you cannot claim expenses for clothing ruined after work hours. I do not care how many times you swear at me, you will not be receiving compensation for clothing torn in bar fights or wild sex escapades.
Also I think everyone is aware by now that in three months Gwen will be getting married: I suggest the rest of you make sure the two weeks afterwards are in your diaries, as you will not be able to take leave during those weeks.
Inmates
Three weevils (Janet, Tyler and Marlene).
Fish tank.
Squirrel rats (still at nine, but I think one’s pregnant).
Four humans (Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen).
One stupid captain.
Pteranodon (Myfanwy).
Miscellaneous
Tosh would like to inform the team in general that eating and drinking next to the computers is strictly forbidden. On a related note, I will hurt whoever had the audacity to bring instant into the Hub.
Also I’d like it clearly noted that handcuffs left on my desk will be put into the incinerator.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
But what about if I got into a bar-fight with what I thought was a Weevil, but was actually just a really ugly barman? Then do I get compensation?
I’ll autopsy the Hoix, we’ve not had one in a while. I want to compare it to the last one as this one seemed to take a lot longer to starve.
When’s the next coffee round? I’m going to need caffeine for this. And biscuits, preferably chocolate ones.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
I’ll get the forms done by the end of the week. Promise. But, you know, I’d get them done much quicker if you stayed back and helped me. Oh, and thank you for getting my coat sorted, I appreciate it. :)
There’s nothing wrong with my people skills - Detective Swanson just never forgave me for that time we shot the Welsh Rugby mascot. Not my fault it was a Weevil in disguise.
So, who’s going to own up to the handcuffs because, believe it or not, they’re not mine! Though, I’ll take them if nobody else wants them ;)
(A very, very apologetic) Captain Jack Harkness
Did I mention I’m sorry, because I am very sorry. Extremely sorry even. Please stop ignoring my emails, Ianto, otherwise I WILL be forced to take drastic measures.
* * *
To: Ianto , Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Oi! How come Jack gets his coat repaired and I don’t even get my favourite shirt dry-cleaned?! FAVOURITISM, IANTO!
Speaking of favouritism, how come Jack gets to use smiley faces and I don’t? Last time I used one I had a dead arm for three days! I expect you to punch Jack, Gwen, the next time you see him or I’m taking this to the union (assuming we have a union).
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Coffee and biscuits will be round in ten minutes for everyone.
Owen, I am not your servant, therefore I will not be doing your dry-cleaning. Jack’s coat is an entirely different matter. And no, you don’t get compensation in those circumstances. After work means after work.
Jack, the end of the week is fine. The forms are already filled in except your reason for absence, where you went, and of course your signature. I hardly think you need my help to complete them. And I’m not ignoring your emails, I’m simply showing them the same courtesy you showed myself and the rest of the team.
The squirrel rat, by the way, is almost certainly pregnant. It’s nesting and getting bigger. Owen, could you do a scan or an ultrasound or something? I’d like to know what to expect.
Ianto
Coffee god, irritated and let down.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen, don’t worry, he’ll be hit. I really really hate emoticons!!!! Grrr!
And if we have a union I want to know about it!
I’m still not comfortable with letting the hoixes starve to death. It seems cruel somehow. I mean, they are sentient to some extent, aren’t they?
Anyone mind if I take next Tuesday off? I have a dress fitting in the morning, so I’d be in by lunchtime.
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto ,
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Right, Ianto, meet me outside the Tourist Information Centre in 15 minutes. I think it’s about time we talked. If you’re going to throw something at me I’d much rather it was a packet of chips than one of Tosh’s scanners or my coffee cup.
You three, don’t blow anything up while we’re gone. And no, we don’t have a union. Feel free to make one.
(An increasingly irate) Captain Jack Harkness
Still looking for a new signature.
* * *
To: Owen , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto ,
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
p.s. Yes, Gwen, you can have next Tuesday morning off. Why don’t you take the whole day off? Spend it doing wedding stuff with Rhys. Just make sure you keep your phone on and we’ll not call you unless it’s an emergency.
(A still irate) Captain Jack Harkness
Seriously, any suggestions?!
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
They’ve been gone a long time, should we be worried or pleased?
Also - Gwen, the Hoix aren’t sentient as I think you mean it. From what we can tell they’re just like animals. Also we can’t afford to feed it, and we can’t let it go. Owen and previous medics have found it’s actually the most humane way to kill them. They have odd reactions to poisons and things.
Jack, when you get back, can you take a look at something for me? I’ve got an idea for updating the Rift prediction software, but I’d appreciate your input.
Tosh
Tech wizard. Don’t mess with me.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Ianto
From: Gwen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Good thing, surely?
Gwen
Soon to be Mrs Williams!
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Tosh , Ianto , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
It depends. I’m guessing they’re either shagging like rabbits or Ianto has Jack tied up somewhere and he’s finding new and inventive ways to kill him. When, or if, they come back, I suspect we’ll be able to tell. Even Jack wouldn’t be smiling if he’d just spent four hours with a knife in his chest.
Trust me, Gwen, you don’t want to see what happens when a Hoix is injected with morphine. Messy doesn’t even begin to cover it.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
My love life is none of the team’s concern, thank you very much. Or do you want decaf?
Where are you going for your fitting, Gwen?
Owen, about that scan for the pregnant squirrel rat - will you do it or not?
Ianto
Pleasantly surprised but still not entirely confident. But still the coffee god.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Tosh , Gwen , Ianto
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Throw in another bag of jelly babies and promise not to put me on decaf for the rest of the year and we have a deal.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Sure thing, Tosh. I need to call the PM, but I’ll be down as soon as I’m done. You need me to bring anything or just myself?
(A moderately happier) Captain Jack Harkness
I’m giving up on the signatures as I’ve got far more important things to think about.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen - you can have the jelly babies, and I’ll give you the really good coffee for three days. Final offer. I can probably figure out how to use the equipment myself, you know.
Don’t forget Jack and I are leaving early today, please. We’ll have phones for Rift emergencies, but that really does mean emergencies, which do not include running out of coffee, biscuits, or amusement. Owen, I’m talking to you.
And don’t forget Gwen’s out tomorrow. Oh, and Friday is the 20th, so I expect we’ll all want to be in bright and early for Tommy.
Ianto
A cautiously optimistic coffee god
* * *
To: Ianto , Gwen , Owen
From: Tosh
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
No, just yourself, please. Fully clothed and presentable, if you don’t mind!
So is Jack taking you out, Ianto? I hope you held out for somewhere really fancy. You deserve it after the way he left you.
Tosh
Tech wizard, living vicariously.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Ianto , Tosh , Gwen
From: Owen
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Make it five days and I promise to do the scan AND not ring unless the world is coming to an end.
Doctor Owen Harper
Saviour of the Universe and Sex-God.
* * *
To: Tosh , Gwen , Ianto , Owen
From: Captain Jack
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
No problem, Tosh. I’ll be down in a few minutes. And yes, I am taking Ianto out. Yes, I’m taking him somewhere fancy. And yes, I will make it up to him if he lets me. (I’d promise to tell you all the gory details, but the last time I did that I was drinking instant for a month. Not going through that again!)
(An excited) Captain Jack Harkness
Wants to know what Owen did with his hair-gel.
* * *
To: Captain Jack , Owen , Tosh , Gwen
From: Ianto
Subject: Re: Newsletter no. 40
Owen - you have a deal.
Jack - don’t be late.
Ianto
A cautiously optimistic coffee god
Part 03