Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone - Chapter 4 Part 1:
There were some complications when I discussed my ideas with my friend, as a result, I'm sporking this chapter now. As I've said, I'll kind of be busy lately, so there won't be as frequent updates. I won't spork a whole chapter and load it up, but just do parts as I finish them.
It's kind of funny to spork this fic after so long. I just now realised that it's actually quite tame compared to things like Harry Potter and the Head of Black and the Dark Side of the Moon. I'm starting to feel for this what das_mervin felt towards Arianna Black. So...yeah...Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone is written by Rogue Metamorph and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7406128/1/Rebecca_and_the_Sorcerers_Stone. I do not own the story and claim no credit for it. Harry Potter and its related materials belong to JK Rowling, who I love more with each passing day. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being make. I'm doing this solely for the purpose of entertainment.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary of fic: You know the troll event, the thing that brough the main trio together and started off a beautiful relationship? Well, we see the Suethor's interpretation of it this chapter, and it SUCKS. Bewarned.
Rating of fic: K+
Warning for spork: Mild innuendos, some ranting, coarse language, very mild subtext between two female characters.
Sporkers: Mantra and Nagare (Yep, they're back again.)
‘I thought another sporking group was going to take on this fic.’ Mantra demanded angrily.
‘Yeah, well, I thought about it and decided that you guys are really the best people to handle this one...’ The voice said, somehow managing to sound sheepish even with the electronic modifications.
‘You just ran out of people to use, didn’t you?’ Mantra crossed her arms and glared at the offending piece of plastic.
‘To be fair, I did allow you guys a long break.’ The voice pointed out.
‘The point isn’t how long the break is, but that we have to spork more of this thing than I thought! Don’t you know to keep your promises?’ She paused and tilted her head, ‘Not to mention, I didn’t even get that much of a break. I was sporking that godawful Twilight fic with the Creator...’
‘And couldn’t you have found a more opportune moment to zap us in here?’ Nagare spoke up. ‘It’s the middle of the night!’
A strange whistling sound, presumably a sign, came through. ‘Ladies, please. I know you hate this, but complaining isn’t going to help. You’re going to have to do this anyways. Just...get is over as soon as possible, okay?’
Nagare’s jaw tightened. ‘Of course.’ She answered through gritted teeth.
Chapter 4: Trolls, Episkey, and Friends
Nagare: ...So, are those things related at all?
Mantra: I don’t suppose it’s too much to hope for an answer within the chapter?
Nagare: Well, given the general standards of the chapter titles so far...I’m not going to hold my breath.
"One of a wizard's most rudimental skill is levitation… or the ability to make objects fly.
Nagare: Rudimental? Shouldn’t that be rudimentary?
Mantra: You’re STILL picking grammatical mistakes at this point?
Nagare: I’m trying to take my mind off the fact that levitation implies that you levitate yourself, not objects. And how levitation and flight are different powers entirely.
Mantra: Well, as long as we’re picking at grammar, I guess I’ll express my pity for that lone ellipse there. The poor thing, it’s utterly lost...
Do you all have your feathers?" Professor Flitwick asked,
Mantra: (Random student): No, sir, I’ve just finished shedding them.
which Hermione responded by lifting her feather before quickly putting it down when she realized it was a rhetorical question.
The Voice: I do that. All the time. So, you know, I still sympathise and relate to Hermione the most.
Mantra: Really, dumbing Hermione down so much that she can’t recognise a rhetorical question just to make your avatar look better? Have you no shame?
The Voice: *Drily* Do you even need to ask? This is a SUETHOR.
Nagare: You are very chatty today, aren’t you? But that’s not the point. I’m just wondering why that is meant to be a rhetorical question. When teachers ask these questions, they actually want to know if someone didn’t get a feather, since it’ll be essential to the next activity. So, in all likelihood, Rebecca here is the one interpreting the question wrong.
Mantra: And she decided to display her ignorance by mocking one of the most intelligent characters in canon. How nice.
"Good. Now don't forget the nice wrist movement we've been practicing. The 'Swish and Flick'. Everyone?" We all lifted our wands and did the motion.
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Do I even need to say anything at this point? I mean, ‘wrist movement’? ‘Lifted our wands’? Really? How obvious can you get?
Nagare: *Groans* Not that again!
"Just 'Swish and Flick'. Good!
Mantra: *Accusingly* He’s getting off, isn’t he?
Nagare: They’re practicing wand movements, dammit!
Mantra: I know!
Nagare: ...
Mantra: What? I do know!
Oh and annunciate!
The Voice: Annunciate, defined as ‘to announce’ by dictionary.com. I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for.
Mantra: I’ve always found it suspicious how Suethors manage to spell a common enough word wrong, but, in the process, manage to spell a much more uncommon word completely right.
Wingardium Leviosa.
Mantra: And how they turn around and spell something very difficult completely right.
Off you go then!"
Nagare: No, thank you. I’d much rather if they did not.
Mantra: *Grins* Oh, come now! A bit of wand polishing will make this story better by a thousand fold!
Nagare: No. It will not. We never need to hear about eleven year olds engaged in anything of the kind. AND THAT IS THE END OF THE DISCUSSION.
The Voice: Not to mention, zero timed by a thousand is still zero.
I sighed in relief. Finally!
Mantra: *Tuts* Such impatience. You’d think she’d get better with practice.
Nagare: *Cradles head with hands* Why must you insist on making the fic even worse than it is?
Mantra: *Protests innocently* But I’m trying to make it all better here!
I already knew this spell
Mantra: Of course, you did! What kind of Sue would you be if you didn’t?
Nagare: Nice to see how proud you are of your ability. Now, who was complaining for a whole chapter about how their father forced them to study?
and had nearly needed to bang my head against the table at the slow pace we had been going.
Mantra: After all the bullshit you pulled, you are the LAST person on earth with the right to head desk. I mean, if people being slow is grounds enough for head-desk-ing, I would have created a tunnel to the centre of the Earth by now.
Nagare: And you call Hermione a know-it-all. And you demean Hermione for lording it over others because of her intelligence and knowledge. Indeed, you are a courageous and modest girl.
Mantra: And of course the professor should speed the lesson along so that you can move forward comfortably. How dare he take the feelings and needs of other students into account? They’re all here for your entertainment, anyways!
"Wingardium Leviosa," I said clearly,
Nagare: With random italics, apparently. What are those things doing there?
Mantra: *Shrugs* And I notice that even though her main punching bag is Hermione, she’s not missing any chances to piss on Ron as well. She’s just so much better than that filthy Weasley, she managed to pronounce the spell right straight away! Except how she’s been practicing this before and would be pathetic if she still couldn’t do it. But that doesn’t matter! She’s still far superior than any red-head!
slowly lifting my feather into the air, making it float about the room.
Mantra: And stealing Hermione’s big moment, I see. We really don’t buy that she’s a bad person, if the Sue is doing everything she did in canon and is portrayed as an angel because of it.
Nagare: In fact, wouldn’t this make Hermione seem even more like a genius? The Sue had to be trained from birth to perform this spell, and Hermione managed to get it in a few lessons, after all.
Mantra: Well, it’s not like Suethors think about what they’re writing.
The Voice: Not to mention, she stole Hermione’s big establishing character moment, too. Until now, all we’ve seen was that she was good at reading textbooks and memorising them. This scene showed that she was just as talented at practical work and is a formidable witch, instead of just a walking encyclopaedia. In her effort to make Hermione a villain, she has completely erased her character. Not ruined her character, ERASED it.
And thus, Hermione automatically fails as a villain, because she has no traits or characteristics. She’s literally been reduced a blank slate upon which the Suethor can draw various negative traits and thus justify her avatar’s bullying of her.
Harry had Draco as a rival, and it worked because Draco had a completely opposite belief system to Harry and was vicious and vengeful enough to present an actual threat. Draco worked because he was relatively complex too. Hermione here doesn’t work, because she is neither.
She isn’t here to move the plot forward or provide conflict or character development. She’s literally just here as a punching bag. Her character has absolutely no purpose except for being dumped on by the Sue.
This is why we can’t hate Hermione, Suethor, because the more you slander her, the more sympathetic we will be, and the more pathetic your avatar seems.
Mantra: *Crosses arms* I thought ranting was MY job!
The Voice: I’m helping you with the sporking. Be thankful.
"Oh! Well done! See here everyone, Miss Sherwood's done it!" Professor Flitwick exclaimed happily as he watched me lower the feather back down onto the table.
Mantra: Of course, the canon characters must shower praise upon her.
Nagare: Didn’t that-
Mantra: Yes, I know that happened in canon to Hermione, but Hermione deserved her praise because she actually did it on her own. The Sue here is cheating by doing the equivalent of getting the exam question beforehand and preparing responses. And she still expects us to be as awed by her fantastic results as we were by Hermione’s ones. And that just doesn’t work.
Nagare: ...You’re unusually grumpy today. What happened?
Mantra: *Points at fic* This happened. And that horrible Twilight fanfic. *Shudders*
I noticed most peoples attention on me,
Mantra: How I envy that apostrophe. It doesn’t have to appear in this fic.
Nagare: Neither do you.
Mantra: But my friends, good writing and proper grammar, have to.
Nagare: And for someone supposedly shy, she sure is eating all this attention up.
Mantra: No Sue can live without attention. Why, what purpose do you think this whole scene is engineered for?
but most of all I noticed Hermione's sidelong glare.
Mantra: Oh, as if! Hermione only hated people who did better than her when she knew they cheated! You may have cheated here, but Hermione isn’t a mind-reader! She wouldn’t know!
Nagare: And she’s confident in her abilities anyways. It’s pretty much stated in canon that Hermione was baffled by Harry and Ron’s inability to do their work. She’d just take it for granted that since she could do it, everyone else can. Why would she be surprised or angry that you can do a spell so simple that it’s the very first one you learn?
Mantra: Even if she can’t do it, she wouldn’t glare at you! She’d be talking to you and figuring out what she’s doing wrong. That’s kind of how you learn, you know, by taking advice from people more experienced and better than you. *Pauses and gags* God, I just called a Sue better and more experienced than Hermione...
"Wingardium Leviosa! Wingardium Leviosa!" Ron growled on the other side of Hermione.
Nagare: Also with random italics. Seriously, what the hell is up with that?
Mantra: That is a very interesting thing to be growling out. I wonder exactly what he’s trying to levitate...*Sly grin*
Nagare: ...I hate you.
Mantra: *Simpering* I love you too~
Ron then started flicking his wand angrily down at the feather.
Mantra: *Winces* Whoa, Ron! Stop right there! That’s not how you treat a wand! Just because it may dysfunction occasionally, doesn’t mean you...*Cringes* Honestly, we all have a bit of a problem every now and then...
Nagare: AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Really, how could you even empathise?
Mantra: *Sweet smile* Oh, that’s so nice. You really have that much confidence in me?
Nagare: *Face palm* I walked into that one, didn’t I?
"No, stop, stop, stop!" Hermione sighed, stopping Ron.
Nagare: ...Thank you for that. We never would have figured out that she STOPPED Ron, if you didn’t tell us. I mean, it’s not like you said the word ‘stop’ three times consecutively in the dialogue, right?
"You're going to take someone's eye out!
Nagare: *Frowns* He’s flicking his wand DOWN! Unless he has someone under his table, how the hell is he going to hurt anyone’s EYE?
Mantra: *Snorts* Master, please. You are making this far too easy.
Nagare: *Blinks, expression becomes horrified*
Mantra: *Suppresses a smirk*
Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's Levi-o-sa, not Leviosar,"
Mantra: *Yawns* How much more copy-pasting is there? Suethor, if I wanted to read canon, I’ll go and read canon. If you had to write a Sue, can’t you at least be a bit original? I mean, look at My Immortal! At least that one would provide endless laughs!
"You do it then if you're so clever. Go on, go on!" Ron challenged.
Nagare: Just how dumb do you think we are? Is there any way to read that sentence so that it isn’t a challenge? Dialogue tags are supposed to INFORM us, when the tone of the dialogue isn’t apparent. If you don’t need one there, don’t put one there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word ‘said’.
Mantra: Not to mention, Ron challenged Hermione because NO ONE was getting the spell right. He didn’t believe that she could do something so difficult. You Sue there just effortlessly performed the spell. Under these circumstances, he’ll be a lot more likely to think that something’s wrong with him, instead of the spell being too hard. Ron isn’t an idiot. He’s extremely astute and perspective in a lot of manners. Don’t start projecting.
Hermione turned back to her feather and smiled.
Mantra: (Hermione) *Pets feather* My precioussssss...
"Wingardium Leviosa,"
Nagare: Okay, apparently, this Suethor is going to italicise all spells...so why didn’t you italicise it the first time, when Professor Flitwick talked about it? CONSISTENSY, DAMMIT! If you can’t keep your own canon straight, then at least keep the formatting straight!
With that, the feather began to float up and into the air gracefully, hovering once it reached about thirty feet into the air.
Mantra: Ooh! Hermione not only managed to make her feather fly, but made it do so GRACEFULLY! Pwned, bitch!
Nagare: So, she obviously has the actual knowledge and skills to back up her ‘know-it-all attitude’. Why are we supposed to hate her, again?
Mantra: Probably because she has the balls to upstage the Sue, and that is a crime worthy of death in any Sue fic.
"Well done, Miss Granger! Ho ho! Splendid!" Professor Flitwick smiled,
Mantra: Ah, so when the Sue accomplishes something, the professor calls the whole class to gawk at it, so that she can get the maximum amount of attention and praise. But when Hermione does it, all she gets is a few private words? Bitch, Professor Flitwick isn’t one to play favouritism! STOP FUCKING PROJECTING!
Nagare: ...Forgive my complete ignorance of canon, but shouldn’t he be awarding points round about now? Excellence in an area of study is definitely more worthy of awarding points than keeping very neat notes.
Mantra: How could you even tell if notes were neat after only one lesson, anyways? I’m pretty sure most people’s notes only start getting messy when the workload starts building up...So, in a fit of ignorance, the Suethor just made Flitwick a stricter teacher than Snape? *Laughs*
causing Ron to sigh and put his head down on his crossed arms.
Nagare: *Twitch* IS THIS A STORY OR A MOVIE SCRIPT? You do not give us a freaking laundry list of dry actions that have no meaning! What is the freaking purpose of this story? CAN WE PLEASE MOVE THE FUCK ON?
Mantra: Wait, wait, wait, Professor Flitwick SMILING caused Ron to sigh and put his head on his arms, and not Hermione’s success? Because that is what the story is telling me, you know. THINK, SUETHOR! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!
Farther down the table, Seamus continued with his spell.
Nagare: *Scrambles to stay on couch* What? What happened? Where are we? When are we? Who is this? WHAT? You can’t introduce a character in the middle of a scene and just...act as though he’s always been there! You’ve never even mentioned this guy before! What the hell?
Mantra: And you can’t say someone is continuing to do something, when we’re seeing them for the first time! IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! If you have to have him botch, then introduce him at the start of the scene or earlier! You can’t just randomly pull people out of your ass! The story fucking stinks when you do that!
"Wingard-Leviosa. Wingard-"
Nagare: And now it’s not italicised? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? What do you want to do? Choose one formatting and stick with it, dammit! You can at least do that much to make the story more tolerable!
BOOM!
The Voice: *Screams* NO! NO ONOMATOPOEIAS! ABSOLUTELY NONE ALLOWED! I’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT IN BOUND FOR GLORY! I’M NOT GOING TO START TOLERATING IT HERE, DAMMIT!
His feather exploded in front of him.
Mantra: Okay, what the hell was the purpose of that ‘BOOM’ there? We ASSUME that the feather makes a noise when it explodes! You don’t have to freaking write it out for us! WE ACTUALLY HAVE BRAINS! Accurate sound effects are nice in a movie, but in a written media, where your imagination is doing most of the work anyways, IT HAS NO PURPOSE! This is why you can’t just copy-paste from canon, especially movie-canon! Things that work on screen don’t work when you translate them into words, unless you know what you are doing! And you are far too low on the writer’s bitch ladder to know what you’re doing!
Nagare: *Surprised* It exploded? By altering a single syllable, the levitation spell causes explosions? The magic in this universe is powerful indeed. We are going to deal with her at the end of her school career...I really don’t want to think about the size and lethality of her arsenal by that point. Why can’t we do a premature execution right now, when her powers are still relatively restricted?
The Voice: It won’t work now. She’s not just a witch, but a Sue as well. You guys won’t stand a chance against her unless you spork this.
Everyone stopped and stared in surprise
Mantra: No, really? I thought they’d just ignore something as insignificant as an explosion and go right on with their lives!
until Harry broke the silence.
Mantra: *Disapprovingly* Now what have you done, young man? Pick up the pieces and glue them back together! I need that for tonight’s dinner party!
"I think we're going to need another feather over here, professor,"
Nagare: Why do I get the feeling that this line will be a lot more funny if the Sue wasn’t here?
Mantra: The whole point of the scene was showing wacky hijinks that ensue when you’re trying to learn a new spell. Hermione got away because she’s supposed to be the straight man. Shoving the Sue in upsets the balance and make this scene less about how quirky magic is, and more about how canon characters are so inferior compared to her. And that is not funny. That will never be funny.
After class
Nagare: *Almost falls off the couch again* What the hell? Now we’re at the end of class? How long was that freaking class, five minutes?
Mantra: Give up. Time transition is a rare skill amongst even published writers.
I waited behind with Hermione
Mantra: (Rebecca) Even though I hated her. Because I’m just that dependent on canon characters.
Nagare: If you really hated her that much, then just leave her alone. At this point, you’re just asking for it. You brought this on yourself, so don’t you dare mention how annoying Hermione is one more time. I will NOT sympathise.
as she gathered her books before we followed the boys out of the room.
Nagare: She’s waiting behind as Hermione gathers her books before following...WHAT TENSE ARE WE IN? WHEN IS THIS HAPPENING?
Mantra: *Eyes widen* As...before...while...OH MY GOD, IT’S ALIEN COMPANION. IT’S FUCKING ANBU! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Nagare: I WOULD, BUT THERE ARE NO HILLS TO RUN TO!
Mantra: DAMMIT, YOU’RE RUINING THE JOKE!
The Voice: IS IT FASHIONABLE TO SPEAK IN CAPSLOCK?
Mantra: No.
The Voice: Aww...
"'It's Levi-o-sa, not Leviosar,' She's a nightmare, honestly! It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!" Ron laughed.
Mantra: ...WHAT. WHAT DID SHE JUST DO?
Nagare: *Settles in* Here’s our obligatory gigantic rant for this chapter, I think.
Mantra: Hey! You’re not allowed to do that! I’m supposed to be the Genre Savvy one here!
Nagare: Just...please, start ranting. Get this over with so I can go back to sleep.
Mantra: Well, we have this exact same scene in canon, because Rogue Metamorph can’t summon up one iota of originality to save her life. However, she changed two very important circumstances in her portrayal, and those two changes manage to make a fairly innocuous moment of character establishment into something so infuriating that even capslock will not express my anger. Hence why I’m not using it.
Firstly, Rebecca and Hermione were walking together with the boys. In fact, judging from the way that last sentence is worded, Harry and Ron deliberately stayed behind to wait for them. Ron KNEW Hermione was there and could hear. He KNEW and did it anyways. He wasn’t just venting his frustrations to a very close friend in private, he was deliberately insulting Hermione.
Secondly, he wasn’t venting frustration at all. He wasn’t upset that his lesson didn’t go well and chose to use Hermione as an outlet. He is LAUGHING. He ENJOYS demeaning Hermione. He didn’t say it without meaning to, he didn’t blurt anything out. He very deliberately said it because he meant it, and he thought that line up there was FUNNY.
And we are still supposed to see him as better than her. And we are still supposed to laugh at Hermione’s overreaction to a petty insult.
In one fell swoop, the Suethor has just made my favourite Harry Potter character into a complete asshole.
I AM NOT HAPPY.
I winced as I turned to see Hermione speed pass me and knock shoulders with Ron.
Mantra: Mmhmm, and the emphasis isn’t even on Hermione, who’s just been insulted and laughed at to her face. It’s all about how this melodrama is making the Sue uncomfortable. Because her comfort reigns supreme. Nothing can ever top her pain.
Nagare: *Narrows eyes* Is it just me, or are we still meant to be sympathising with Ron and Rebecca here? It feels like the Suethor is blaming Hermione for running into Ron, even suggesting that she did it deliberately. It feels like she’s still pinning the blame on Hermione, calling her rude and a bitch for daring not to follow social etiquettes when someone just...just did that to her.
Mantra: Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised.
"I think she heard you," Harry said as the group came to a stop.
Mantra: NO FUCKING DUH! YOU WERE WAITING BEHIND TO WALK TOGETHER WITH HER! WHAT DID YOU FREAKING THINK? THAT SHE WAS DEAF, OR SOMETHING?
Nagare: What is up with your obsession of dumbing down every canon character there is? We already have to deal with an idiotic Sue! And it’s not like Harry was a genius in canon!
Mantra: I suspect that this is the level of intelligence that the Suethor can muster up. It’s impossible to write characters smarter than you, after all.
Nagare: *Rubs forehead* Oh, I swear...
"No shit Sherlock," I growled at them before trying to catch up to Hermione.
Mantra: Okay, as idiotic as that was, you have absolutely no fucking right to be saying anything. NONE. AT ALL. The only reason they were so idiotic was because YOU made them so. And I don’t think I need to go into how Too Dumb To Live you are. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF THE FUCKING FIC!
"Hermione! Wait!"
Mantra: (Rebecca) It’s been established that I hate your guts, but I must chase after you for absolutely no reason anyways, because the Suethor has to shove me into canon, and this is the only way to do so!
Nagare: And she can’t live without every single canon character there is showing praise upon her, even the ones she hate.
"Oh come on, Hermione," I exclaimed through the stall door.
Mantra: *Sigh* Her endurance is not getting any better.
Nagare: Through the door?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Why not?
Nagare: I don’t even want to know.
I had nearly lost her when I had been chasing after her,
Mantra: So close! Hermione nearly got away from the Sue!
Nagare: Why were you chasing after her in the first place? We all know you hate her guts, why cling to her then?
Mantra: Because she’s a lovely, friendly, saintly little girl and will befriend even people who are clear assholes!
Nagare: ...Seriously?
Mantra: That’s what the Suethor wants us to think.
Nagare: *Slumps* Why do we get all the horrible assignments?
but I had found her an hour ago crying in the girls bathroom, now empty because it was dinner time.
Nagare: DINNER TIME? How long did it take you to find her? Don’t you have classes too?
Mantra: Oh, but she’s a Sue! I bet the professors are more than willing to let her out of class if they didn’t have to deal with her. Not to mention, nothing trumps getting chummy with the canon characters in a Sue’s book!
Nagare: Even then, how did it take you so long to find her? I mean, sure the castle is big, but how many places will a rules-abiding First Year girl run to, to cry? There can’t be that many bathrooms around! How long did it take Harry and Ron to find her in canon?
Mantra: Well, they immediately headed for the bathroom...but this is a Sue! You really can’t expect all that much out of her.
"Go away, Rebecca," Hermione yelled at me, her voice breaking.
Mantra: Yes, please do go away. Remove yourself from canon and never return again.
Nagare: I have a feeling that we are meant to be condemning Hermione for being bitchy and insulting...except she has every right to want some time alone, and Rebecca is pestering her and insisting on making this private moment public, and they’ve only met for one day, too. She is still completely justified in her outburst.
Mantra: This whole thing just makes me like Hermione even more, because she’s the only one who hasn’t fallen to the Sue’s charms yet.
"No, I will not," I said firmly.
Mantra: (Sue) I’m going to stay here and listen to the sounds of misery, because I love putting you down. What do you think was going to happen? That I’ll actually be considerate and give you some quiet and peace? Please.
Nagare: And indeed, this is a very shy girl. Look at how hesitantly she acts around someone who she doesn’t know well and doesn’t like all that much either. Look at how she awkwardly handles emotional outbursts from an almost complete stranger. What a timid and mild flower.
Mantra: *Pouts* I thought sarcasm was my gimmick.
Nagare: There can never be enough snark directed at this fic. I’m afraid that we will have to collaborate.
Go Foward to: Chapter 4, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 2
It's kind of funny to spork this fic after so long. I just now realised that it's actually quite tame compared to things like Harry Potter and the Head of Black and the Dark Side of the Moon. I'm starting to feel for this what das_mervin felt towards Arianna Black. So...yeah...Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Rebecca and the Sorceror's Stone is written by Rogue Metamorph and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7406128/1/Rebecca_and_the_Sorcerers_Stone. I do not own the story and claim no credit for it. Harry Potter and its related materials belong to JK Rowling, who I love more with each passing day. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being make. I'm doing this solely for the purpose of entertainment.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summary of fic: You know the troll event, the thing that brough the main trio together and started off a beautiful relationship? Well, we see the Suethor's interpretation of it this chapter, and it SUCKS. Bewarned.
Rating of fic: K+
Warning for spork: Mild innuendos, some ranting, coarse language, very mild subtext between two female characters.
Sporkers: Mantra and Nagare (Yep, they're back again.)
‘I thought another sporking group was going to take on this fic.’ Mantra demanded angrily.
‘Yeah, well, I thought about it and decided that you guys are really the best people to handle this one...’ The voice said, somehow managing to sound sheepish even with the electronic modifications.
‘You just ran out of people to use, didn’t you?’ Mantra crossed her arms and glared at the offending piece of plastic.
‘To be fair, I did allow you guys a long break.’ The voice pointed out.
‘The point isn’t how long the break is, but that we have to spork more of this thing than I thought! Don’t you know to keep your promises?’ She paused and tilted her head, ‘Not to mention, I didn’t even get that much of a break. I was sporking that godawful Twilight fic with the Creator...’
‘And couldn’t you have found a more opportune moment to zap us in here?’ Nagare spoke up. ‘It’s the middle of the night!’
A strange whistling sound, presumably a sign, came through. ‘Ladies, please. I know you hate this, but complaining isn’t going to help. You’re going to have to do this anyways. Just...get is over as soon as possible, okay?’
Nagare’s jaw tightened. ‘Of course.’ She answered through gritted teeth.
Chapter 4: Trolls, Episkey, and Friends
Nagare: ...So, are those things related at all?
Mantra: I don’t suppose it’s too much to hope for an answer within the chapter?
Nagare: Well, given the general standards of the chapter titles so far...I’m not going to hold my breath.
"One of a wizard's most rudimental skill is levitation… or the ability to make objects fly.
Nagare: Rudimental? Shouldn’t that be rudimentary?
Mantra: You’re STILL picking grammatical mistakes at this point?
Nagare: I’m trying to take my mind off the fact that levitation implies that you levitate yourself, not objects. And how levitation and flight are different powers entirely.
Mantra: Well, as long as we’re picking at grammar, I guess I’ll express my pity for that lone ellipse there. The poor thing, it’s utterly lost...
Do you all have your feathers?" Professor Flitwick asked,
Mantra: (Random student): No, sir, I’ve just finished shedding them.
which Hermione responded by lifting her feather before quickly putting it down when she realized it was a rhetorical question.
The Voice: I do that. All the time. So, you know, I still sympathise and relate to Hermione the most.
Mantra: Really, dumbing Hermione down so much that she can’t recognise a rhetorical question just to make your avatar look better? Have you no shame?
The Voice: *Drily* Do you even need to ask? This is a SUETHOR.
Nagare: You are very chatty today, aren’t you? But that’s not the point. I’m just wondering why that is meant to be a rhetorical question. When teachers ask these questions, they actually want to know if someone didn’t get a feather, since it’ll be essential to the next activity. So, in all likelihood, Rebecca here is the one interpreting the question wrong.
Mantra: And she decided to display her ignorance by mocking one of the most intelligent characters in canon. How nice.
"Good. Now don't forget the nice wrist movement we've been practicing. The 'Swish and Flick'. Everyone?" We all lifted our wands and did the motion.
Mantra: *Raises eyebrows* Do I even need to say anything at this point? I mean, ‘wrist movement’? ‘Lifted our wands’? Really? How obvious can you get?
Nagare: *Groans* Not that again!
"Just 'Swish and Flick'. Good!
Mantra: *Accusingly* He’s getting off, isn’t he?
Nagare: They’re practicing wand movements, dammit!
Mantra: I know!
Nagare: ...
Mantra: What? I do know!
Oh and annunciate!
The Voice: Annunciate, defined as ‘to announce’ by dictionary.com. I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for.
Mantra: I’ve always found it suspicious how Suethors manage to spell a common enough word wrong, but, in the process, manage to spell a much more uncommon word completely right.
Wingardium Leviosa.
Mantra: And how they turn around and spell something very difficult completely right.
Off you go then!"
Nagare: No, thank you. I’d much rather if they did not.
Mantra: *Grins* Oh, come now! A bit of wand polishing will make this story better by a thousand fold!
Nagare: No. It will not. We never need to hear about eleven year olds engaged in anything of the kind. AND THAT IS THE END OF THE DISCUSSION.
The Voice: Not to mention, zero timed by a thousand is still zero.
I sighed in relief. Finally!
Mantra: *Tuts* Such impatience. You’d think she’d get better with practice.
Nagare: *Cradles head with hands* Why must you insist on making the fic even worse than it is?
Mantra: *Protests innocently* But I’m trying to make it all better here!
I already knew this spell
Mantra: Of course, you did! What kind of Sue would you be if you didn’t?
Nagare: Nice to see how proud you are of your ability. Now, who was complaining for a whole chapter about how their father forced them to study?
and had nearly needed to bang my head against the table at the slow pace we had been going.
Mantra: After all the bullshit you pulled, you are the LAST person on earth with the right to head desk. I mean, if people being slow is grounds enough for head-desk-ing, I would have created a tunnel to the centre of the Earth by now.
Nagare: And you call Hermione a know-it-all. And you demean Hermione for lording it over others because of her intelligence and knowledge. Indeed, you are a courageous and modest girl.
Mantra: And of course the professor should speed the lesson along so that you can move forward comfortably. How dare he take the feelings and needs of other students into account? They’re all here for your entertainment, anyways!
"Wingardium Leviosa," I said clearly,
Nagare: With random italics, apparently. What are those things doing there?
Mantra: *Shrugs* And I notice that even though her main punching bag is Hermione, she’s not missing any chances to piss on Ron as well. She’s just so much better than that filthy Weasley, she managed to pronounce the spell right straight away! Except how she’s been practicing this before and would be pathetic if she still couldn’t do it. But that doesn’t matter! She’s still far superior than any red-head!
slowly lifting my feather into the air, making it float about the room.
Mantra: And stealing Hermione’s big moment, I see. We really don’t buy that she’s a bad person, if the Sue is doing everything she did in canon and is portrayed as an angel because of it.
Nagare: In fact, wouldn’t this make Hermione seem even more like a genius? The Sue had to be trained from birth to perform this spell, and Hermione managed to get it in a few lessons, after all.
Mantra: Well, it’s not like Suethors think about what they’re writing.
The Voice: Not to mention, she stole Hermione’s big establishing character moment, too. Until now, all we’ve seen was that she was good at reading textbooks and memorising them. This scene showed that she was just as talented at practical work and is a formidable witch, instead of just a walking encyclopaedia. In her effort to make Hermione a villain, she has completely erased her character. Not ruined her character, ERASED it.
And thus, Hermione automatically fails as a villain, because she has no traits or characteristics. She’s literally been reduced a blank slate upon which the Suethor can draw various negative traits and thus justify her avatar’s bullying of her.
Harry had Draco as a rival, and it worked because Draco had a completely opposite belief system to Harry and was vicious and vengeful enough to present an actual threat. Draco worked because he was relatively complex too. Hermione here doesn’t work, because she is neither.
She isn’t here to move the plot forward or provide conflict or character development. She’s literally just here as a punching bag. Her character has absolutely no purpose except for being dumped on by the Sue.
This is why we can’t hate Hermione, Suethor, because the more you slander her, the more sympathetic we will be, and the more pathetic your avatar seems.
Mantra: *Crosses arms* I thought ranting was MY job!
The Voice: I’m helping you with the sporking. Be thankful.
"Oh! Well done! See here everyone, Miss Sherwood's done it!" Professor Flitwick exclaimed happily as he watched me lower the feather back down onto the table.
Mantra: Of course, the canon characters must shower praise upon her.
Nagare: Didn’t that-
Mantra: Yes, I know that happened in canon to Hermione, but Hermione deserved her praise because she actually did it on her own. The Sue here is cheating by doing the equivalent of getting the exam question beforehand and preparing responses. And she still expects us to be as awed by her fantastic results as we were by Hermione’s ones. And that just doesn’t work.
Nagare: ...You’re unusually grumpy today. What happened?
Mantra: *Points at fic* This happened. And that horrible Twilight fanfic. *Shudders*
I noticed most peoples attention on me,
Mantra: How I envy that apostrophe. It doesn’t have to appear in this fic.
Nagare: Neither do you.
Mantra: But my friends, good writing and proper grammar, have to.
Nagare: And for someone supposedly shy, she sure is eating all this attention up.
Mantra: No Sue can live without attention. Why, what purpose do you think this whole scene is engineered for?
but most of all I noticed Hermione's sidelong glare.
Mantra: Oh, as if! Hermione only hated people who did better than her when she knew they cheated! You may have cheated here, but Hermione isn’t a mind-reader! She wouldn’t know!
Nagare: And she’s confident in her abilities anyways. It’s pretty much stated in canon that Hermione was baffled by Harry and Ron’s inability to do their work. She’d just take it for granted that since she could do it, everyone else can. Why would she be surprised or angry that you can do a spell so simple that it’s the very first one you learn?
Mantra: Even if she can’t do it, she wouldn’t glare at you! She’d be talking to you and figuring out what she’s doing wrong. That’s kind of how you learn, you know, by taking advice from people more experienced and better than you. *Pauses and gags* God, I just called a Sue better and more experienced than Hermione...
"Wingardium Leviosa! Wingardium Leviosa!" Ron growled on the other side of Hermione.
Nagare: Also with random italics. Seriously, what the hell is up with that?
Mantra: That is a very interesting thing to be growling out. I wonder exactly what he’s trying to levitate...*Sly grin*
Nagare: ...I hate you.
Mantra: *Simpering* I love you too~
Ron then started flicking his wand angrily down at the feather.
Mantra: *Winces* Whoa, Ron! Stop right there! That’s not how you treat a wand! Just because it may dysfunction occasionally, doesn’t mean you...*Cringes* Honestly, we all have a bit of a problem every now and then...
Nagare: AND I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT. Really, how could you even empathise?
Mantra: *Sweet smile* Oh, that’s so nice. You really have that much confidence in me?
Nagare: *Face palm* I walked into that one, didn’t I?
"No, stop, stop, stop!" Hermione sighed, stopping Ron.
Nagare: ...Thank you for that. We never would have figured out that she STOPPED Ron, if you didn’t tell us. I mean, it’s not like you said the word ‘stop’ three times consecutively in the dialogue, right?
"You're going to take someone's eye out!
Nagare: *Frowns* He’s flicking his wand DOWN! Unless he has someone under his table, how the hell is he going to hurt anyone’s EYE?
Mantra: *Snorts* Master, please. You are making this far too easy.
Nagare: *Blinks, expression becomes horrified*
Mantra: *Suppresses a smirk*
Besides, you're saying it wrong. It's Levi-o-sa, not Leviosar,"
Mantra: *Yawns* How much more copy-pasting is there? Suethor, if I wanted to read canon, I’ll go and read canon. If you had to write a Sue, can’t you at least be a bit original? I mean, look at My Immortal! At least that one would provide endless laughs!
"You do it then if you're so clever. Go on, go on!" Ron challenged.
Nagare: Just how dumb do you think we are? Is there any way to read that sentence so that it isn’t a challenge? Dialogue tags are supposed to INFORM us, when the tone of the dialogue isn’t apparent. If you don’t need one there, don’t put one there. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the word ‘said’.
Mantra: Not to mention, Ron challenged Hermione because NO ONE was getting the spell right. He didn’t believe that she could do something so difficult. You Sue there just effortlessly performed the spell. Under these circumstances, he’ll be a lot more likely to think that something’s wrong with him, instead of the spell being too hard. Ron isn’t an idiot. He’s extremely astute and perspective in a lot of manners. Don’t start projecting.
Hermione turned back to her feather and smiled.
Mantra: (Hermione) *Pets feather* My precioussssss...
"Wingardium Leviosa,"
Nagare: Okay, apparently, this Suethor is going to italicise all spells...so why didn’t you italicise it the first time, when Professor Flitwick talked about it? CONSISTENSY, DAMMIT! If you can’t keep your own canon straight, then at least keep the formatting straight!
With that, the feather began to float up and into the air gracefully, hovering once it reached about thirty feet into the air.
Mantra: Ooh! Hermione not only managed to make her feather fly, but made it do so GRACEFULLY! Pwned, bitch!
Nagare: So, she obviously has the actual knowledge and skills to back up her ‘know-it-all attitude’. Why are we supposed to hate her, again?
Mantra: Probably because she has the balls to upstage the Sue, and that is a crime worthy of death in any Sue fic.
"Well done, Miss Granger! Ho ho! Splendid!" Professor Flitwick smiled,
Mantra: Ah, so when the Sue accomplishes something, the professor calls the whole class to gawk at it, so that she can get the maximum amount of attention and praise. But when Hermione does it, all she gets is a few private words? Bitch, Professor Flitwick isn’t one to play favouritism! STOP FUCKING PROJECTING!
Nagare: ...Forgive my complete ignorance of canon, but shouldn’t he be awarding points round about now? Excellence in an area of study is definitely more worthy of awarding points than keeping very neat notes.
Mantra: How could you even tell if notes were neat after only one lesson, anyways? I’m pretty sure most people’s notes only start getting messy when the workload starts building up...So, in a fit of ignorance, the Suethor just made Flitwick a stricter teacher than Snape? *Laughs*
causing Ron to sigh and put his head down on his crossed arms.
Nagare: *Twitch* IS THIS A STORY OR A MOVIE SCRIPT? You do not give us a freaking laundry list of dry actions that have no meaning! What is the freaking purpose of this story? CAN WE PLEASE MOVE THE FUCK ON?
Mantra: Wait, wait, wait, Professor Flitwick SMILING caused Ron to sigh and put his head on his arms, and not Hermione’s success? Because that is what the story is telling me, you know. THINK, SUETHOR! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!
Farther down the table, Seamus continued with his spell.
Nagare: *Scrambles to stay on couch* What? What happened? Where are we? When are we? Who is this? WHAT? You can’t introduce a character in the middle of a scene and just...act as though he’s always been there! You’ve never even mentioned this guy before! What the hell?
Mantra: And you can’t say someone is continuing to do something, when we’re seeing them for the first time! IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY! If you have to have him botch, then introduce him at the start of the scene or earlier! You can’t just randomly pull people out of your ass! The story fucking stinks when you do that!
"Wingard-Leviosa. Wingard-"
Nagare: And now it’s not italicised? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? What do you want to do? Choose one formatting and stick with it, dammit! You can at least do that much to make the story more tolerable!
BOOM!
The Voice: *Screams* NO! NO ONOMATOPOEIAS! ABSOLUTELY NONE ALLOWED! I’VE HAD MORE THAN ENOUGH OF THAT SHIT IN BOUND FOR GLORY! I’M NOT GOING TO START TOLERATING IT HERE, DAMMIT!
His feather exploded in front of him.
Mantra: Okay, what the hell was the purpose of that ‘BOOM’ there? We ASSUME that the feather makes a noise when it explodes! You don’t have to freaking write it out for us! WE ACTUALLY HAVE BRAINS! Accurate sound effects are nice in a movie, but in a written media, where your imagination is doing most of the work anyways, IT HAS NO PURPOSE! This is why you can’t just copy-paste from canon, especially movie-canon! Things that work on screen don’t work when you translate them into words, unless you know what you are doing! And you are far too low on the writer’s bitch ladder to know what you’re doing!
Nagare: *Surprised* It exploded? By altering a single syllable, the levitation spell causes explosions? The magic in this universe is powerful indeed. We are going to deal with her at the end of her school career...I really don’t want to think about the size and lethality of her arsenal by that point. Why can’t we do a premature execution right now, when her powers are still relatively restricted?
The Voice: It won’t work now. She’s not just a witch, but a Sue as well. You guys won’t stand a chance against her unless you spork this.
Everyone stopped and stared in surprise
Mantra: No, really? I thought they’d just ignore something as insignificant as an explosion and go right on with their lives!
until Harry broke the silence.
Mantra: *Disapprovingly* Now what have you done, young man? Pick up the pieces and glue them back together! I need that for tonight’s dinner party!
"I think we're going to need another feather over here, professor,"
Nagare: Why do I get the feeling that this line will be a lot more funny if the Sue wasn’t here?
Mantra: The whole point of the scene was showing wacky hijinks that ensue when you’re trying to learn a new spell. Hermione got away because she’s supposed to be the straight man. Shoving the Sue in upsets the balance and make this scene less about how quirky magic is, and more about how canon characters are so inferior compared to her. And that is not funny. That will never be funny.
After class
Nagare: *Almost falls off the couch again* What the hell? Now we’re at the end of class? How long was that freaking class, five minutes?
Mantra: Give up. Time transition is a rare skill amongst even published writers.
I waited behind with Hermione
Mantra: (Rebecca) Even though I hated her. Because I’m just that dependent on canon characters.
Nagare: If you really hated her that much, then just leave her alone. At this point, you’re just asking for it. You brought this on yourself, so don’t you dare mention how annoying Hermione is one more time. I will NOT sympathise.
as she gathered her books before we followed the boys out of the room.
Nagare: She’s waiting behind as Hermione gathers her books before following...WHAT TENSE ARE WE IN? WHEN IS THIS HAPPENING?
Mantra: *Eyes widen* As...before...while...OH MY GOD, IT’S ALIEN COMPANION. IT’S FUCKING ANBU! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS!
Nagare: I WOULD, BUT THERE ARE NO HILLS TO RUN TO!
Mantra: DAMMIT, YOU’RE RUINING THE JOKE!
The Voice: IS IT FASHIONABLE TO SPEAK IN CAPSLOCK?
Mantra: No.
The Voice: Aww...
"'It's Levi-o-sa, not Leviosar,' She's a nightmare, honestly! It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!" Ron laughed.
Mantra: ...WHAT. WHAT DID SHE JUST DO?
Nagare: *Settles in* Here’s our obligatory gigantic rant for this chapter, I think.
Mantra: Hey! You’re not allowed to do that! I’m supposed to be the Genre Savvy one here!
Nagare: Just...please, start ranting. Get this over with so I can go back to sleep.
Mantra: Well, we have this exact same scene in canon, because Rogue Metamorph can’t summon up one iota of originality to save her life. However, she changed two very important circumstances in her portrayal, and those two changes manage to make a fairly innocuous moment of character establishment into something so infuriating that even capslock will not express my anger. Hence why I’m not using it.
Firstly, Rebecca and Hermione were walking together with the boys. In fact, judging from the way that last sentence is worded, Harry and Ron deliberately stayed behind to wait for them. Ron KNEW Hermione was there and could hear. He KNEW and did it anyways. He wasn’t just venting his frustrations to a very close friend in private, he was deliberately insulting Hermione.
Secondly, he wasn’t venting frustration at all. He wasn’t upset that his lesson didn’t go well and chose to use Hermione as an outlet. He is LAUGHING. He ENJOYS demeaning Hermione. He didn’t say it without meaning to, he didn’t blurt anything out. He very deliberately said it because he meant it, and he thought that line up there was FUNNY.
And we are still supposed to see him as better than her. And we are still supposed to laugh at Hermione’s overreaction to a petty insult.
In one fell swoop, the Suethor has just made my favourite Harry Potter character into a complete asshole.
I AM NOT HAPPY.
I winced as I turned to see Hermione speed pass me and knock shoulders with Ron.
Mantra: Mmhmm, and the emphasis isn’t even on Hermione, who’s just been insulted and laughed at to her face. It’s all about how this melodrama is making the Sue uncomfortable. Because her comfort reigns supreme. Nothing can ever top her pain.
Nagare: *Narrows eyes* Is it just me, or are we still meant to be sympathising with Ron and Rebecca here? It feels like the Suethor is blaming Hermione for running into Ron, even suggesting that she did it deliberately. It feels like she’s still pinning the blame on Hermione, calling her rude and a bitch for daring not to follow social etiquettes when someone just...just did that to her.
Mantra: Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised.
"I think she heard you," Harry said as the group came to a stop.
Mantra: NO FUCKING DUH! YOU WERE WAITING BEHIND TO WALK TOGETHER WITH HER! WHAT DID YOU FREAKING THINK? THAT SHE WAS DEAF, OR SOMETHING?
Nagare: What is up with your obsession of dumbing down every canon character there is? We already have to deal with an idiotic Sue! And it’s not like Harry was a genius in canon!
Mantra: I suspect that this is the level of intelligence that the Suethor can muster up. It’s impossible to write characters smarter than you, after all.
Nagare: *Rubs forehead* Oh, I swear...
"No shit Sherlock," I growled at them before trying to catch up to Hermione.
Mantra: Okay, as idiotic as that was, you have absolutely no fucking right to be saying anything. NONE. AT ALL. The only reason they were so idiotic was because YOU made them so. And I don’t think I need to go into how Too Dumb To Live you are. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OUT OF THE FUCKING FIC!
"Hermione! Wait!"
Mantra: (Rebecca) It’s been established that I hate your guts, but I must chase after you for absolutely no reason anyways, because the Suethor has to shove me into canon, and this is the only way to do so!
Nagare: And she can’t live without every single canon character there is showing praise upon her, even the ones she hate.
"Oh come on, Hermione," I exclaimed through the stall door.
Mantra: *Sigh* Her endurance is not getting any better.
Nagare: Through the door?
Mantra: *Shrugs* Why not?
Nagare: I don’t even want to know.
I had nearly lost her when I had been chasing after her,
Mantra: So close! Hermione nearly got away from the Sue!
Nagare: Why were you chasing after her in the first place? We all know you hate her guts, why cling to her then?
Mantra: Because she’s a lovely, friendly, saintly little girl and will befriend even people who are clear assholes!
Nagare: ...Seriously?
Mantra: That’s what the Suethor wants us to think.
Nagare: *Slumps* Why do we get all the horrible assignments?
but I had found her an hour ago crying in the girls bathroom, now empty because it was dinner time.
Nagare: DINNER TIME? How long did it take you to find her? Don’t you have classes too?
Mantra: Oh, but she’s a Sue! I bet the professors are more than willing to let her out of class if they didn’t have to deal with her. Not to mention, nothing trumps getting chummy with the canon characters in a Sue’s book!
Nagare: Even then, how did it take you so long to find her? I mean, sure the castle is big, but how many places will a rules-abiding First Year girl run to, to cry? There can’t be that many bathrooms around! How long did it take Harry and Ron to find her in canon?
Mantra: Well, they immediately headed for the bathroom...but this is a Sue! You really can’t expect all that much out of her.
"Go away, Rebecca," Hermione yelled at me, her voice breaking.
Mantra: Yes, please do go away. Remove yourself from canon and never return again.
Nagare: I have a feeling that we are meant to be condemning Hermione for being bitchy and insulting...except she has every right to want some time alone, and Rebecca is pestering her and insisting on making this private moment public, and they’ve only met for one day, too. She is still completely justified in her outburst.
Mantra: This whole thing just makes me like Hermione even more, because she’s the only one who hasn’t fallen to the Sue’s charms yet.
"No, I will not," I said firmly.
Mantra: (Sue) I’m going to stay here and listen to the sounds of misery, because I love putting you down. What do you think was going to happen? That I’ll actually be considerate and give you some quiet and peace? Please.
Nagare: And indeed, this is a very shy girl. Look at how hesitantly she acts around someone who she doesn’t know well and doesn’t like all that much either. Look at how she awkwardly handles emotional outbursts from an almost complete stranger. What a timid and mild flower.
Mantra: *Pouts* I thought sarcasm was my gimmick.
Nagare: There can never be enough snark directed at this fic. I’m afraid that we will have to collaborate.
Go Foward to: Chapter 4, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 3, Part 2