Itachi ЖЖ 003

[seeing_only_red]

Who: Uchiha Itachi, Hatake Kakashi, Namikaze Minato
Where: Espoir
Style: Third
Status: Closed. Backdated to March 15th, following this log, and directly after this dream. Whatever Itachi was lying on was hard and smooth--sturdy and flat. The floor. Why was he on the floor

Comments

[ura_no_ura]

As if he was still the same boy you remember from all those years ago -- the one who had grown up too young, the one who was just like you, who trusted in you, over everyone else, when there was no trust in a world so cruel. This was a world forged out of blood, out of lives crumbling under too-young hands that were not hands, but tools wielded by weapons with no face, no name, except for ones whispered in secret in the midst of night.

As though he was the Itachi who Kakashi once knew -- the Itachi who'd looked up at him with dark, quiet eyes; who never complained, never asked why; who he'd left standing out in the rain the night before his eyes bled permanently red. (And Kakashi'd asked for years if it had been his fault, some kind of mistake -- if he hadn't seen because he didn't properly look; if he hadn't seen because he didn't want to look.Kakashi's fingers slightly shook as they pulled tight another bandage, carefully and tenderly easing it around the circumference of Itachi's thin wrist

[ura_no_ura]

"Because you loved him."

[seeing_only_red]

Itachi's teeth clenched slightly. "Because I needed someone to stop me and make me pay for what I did."

[ura_no_ura]

Because he deserved nothing less, for his loyalty to his village. Because his clan was only one branch of a tree he loved more than his own life. And in those days when he had no name, no face, and was only composed of numbers; when the killing was just mechanics that blood ran so thick it blended night and day into a blur of red; when they'd sufficiently broken him down and molded from human into weapon, they gave him no choice, no other option, but to prune (exterminate) a branch they felt was poisoned.

(If you do this...you will be the sacrificial lamb. Are you prepared for that?)

Because he was far too young, too soft, too easily molded by hands that wielded him as the most perfect weapon Konoha ever created.

(Shinobis never show their emotions. They are tools that serve the village.)

Because if his family deserved to die, then Itachi did as well. But the only person who could not be killed was that little boy with too-large eyes filled with too much admiration. The same boy whose feigned torture and execution had driven

[seeing_only_red]

How well it seemed that Kakashi knew him, even now, although he had believed Itachi's careful performance just as much as anyone else--to the point that there had once been a hurt there that ached more than Itachi would ever admit--that he would so easily surmise the truth of why Sasuke lived when all of the others did not.

His aunts, uncles, cousins--even babes not even old enough to know what it was they died for--had all been cleansed of the shame that the failed rebellion would undoubtedly bring upon the clan, but his little brother...had been forced to live with it, had been made to endure it all. Perhaps even more than Itachi himself. All because Itachi couldn't bring himself do what was right and spare him of it all. He had chosen the coward's way out for the first time in his life.

"And Sasuke suffered for my selfishness."

[ura_no_ura]

"But he also had the chance to live."

And for a while that chance had taken root, had started to bloom and flourish. Kakashi remembered how Sasuke struggled with the choice of letting himself dream or following a path that would only result in self-destruction. And he could only watch as Sasuke's life crumbled apart in his hands, when the need for vengeance grew so large, it blinded him from his ability to dream. But at least Sasuke had the chance to dream, to live, to survive -- chances that the rest of the clan hadn't been given.

[seeing_only_red]

"And I made sure that "life" was not worth living either."

[ura_no_ura]

But Kakashi didn't believe that at all, and it registered on his face in a frown. "Sasuke ended up developing bonds and people who loved him, Itachi. I wouldn't call that a life not worth living."

Lives that weren't worth living could be thrown away, forgotten -- Sasuke's life was definitely not that. Naruto's determination alone was evident enough of that fact.

[seeing_only_red]

Why could Kakashi not understand? Even though Sasuke had lived, had managed to salvage some existence outside of the bloody shadow of Itachi's treachery, he would never--"was never" was not something Itachi wanted to think of--be able to have a normal life. Not only had he chosen the path of the Avenger, but Itachi had done everything he could to ensure that Sasuke would choose the path that had been laid out so clearly for him.

Could Sasuke's life have ever been considered his when Itachi had branded his mark onto it in a way that could never be removed? No, Itachi had tied them too closely together--used the red thread of their youthful brotherly affections to wrap a noose around his little brother's neck that he pulled and continued to pull unless Sasuke followed him down the path of destruction. He had thought that Sasuke would one day be strong enough, would one day learn to hate him enough, that he could cut himself free and use that chain to strangle Itachi with his own convictions, but

[ura_no_ura]

"It requires two people to break a bond. Sasuke only ran away from his. But Naruto -- Sakura, they never considered giving up on him. Not even once." Kakashi had never given up on Sasuke either, even when the village whispered about how much he was a traitor like his older brother. Because while he had misunderstood where Sasuke had planted his loyalty, believing the roots Sasuke had in Konoha would somehow give him the strength to choose wisely, he couldn't believe that a boy who had fought with as much courage and determination on his missions -- a boy who'd nearly given up his life in order to save a teammate -- could be a traitor, irredeemable, someone who wasn't worth saving.

And it was that very belief, that faith in Sasuke, which strengthed his own conviction, and made him hold on as tightly as his students to those bonds, believing in the day Sasuke would come home.

[seeing_only_red]

Itachi had the urge to snort disdainfully at Kakashi's display of optimism and naivete. How could someone so much like himself--prodigy, scion of a broken legacy, tool for the good of a village that would never acknowledge, nor appreciate, what was sacrificed for its ignorant bliss--believe so strongly in the strength of bonds, and the goodness in others? Had he not already seen how easily the world could be corrupted, even down to those who appeared most innocent?

Bonds could build one's strength and determination, a person's desire to protect those most dear was a powerful force. But--

"Even should they never break their side, it won't matter to Sasuke. I've made it certain that nothing else will."

--bonds could also be used against someone, tearing him down and ripping away what little security and will to fight he had left. Bonds could break a man just as easily as they could fortify him. And even should those bonds lead to his destruction, he may never be strong enough to sever the ones that were most lethal to him.

[ura_no_ura]

But Kakashi had seen those who lived without bonds, who didn't cherish or hold anyone close -- so broken down by their own cynicism, it ate away at the self until there was nothing left but a shell that believed in nothing and no one because they'd given up on hope. Bonds were what gave people hope, because they were something to protect; something to hold dear, something that gave root to dreams, and planted down seeds of faith

[seeing_only_red]

The way Kakashi spoke made it sound so easy. As if by just "trying," things could one day be all right between Itachi and Sasuke. No, Kakashi would never go so far as to say things could return to how they had once been, but even the thought that they could move beyond Sasuke's desire for vengeance--and Itachi's need to pay penance--seemed fantastical. It was impossible, and would be foolish of him to ever believe it could happen.

Sasuke would never forgive him--for Sasuke had never known the dark side of their clan's history or of their oppression and restless need to break free form the constraints of the village that had chained them to it, but would never let them be apart of it--because Sasuke placed the family above all else, and Itachi had done the exact opposite. And in doing so he had stripped his little brother of his family, his innocence, and his ability to look to the potential of the future instead of the tragedy of the past.

No, Sasuke could not forgive him. What had he worked for all of these years if his brother

[ura_no_ura]

And while that was true, they both knew that Sasuke wasn't very good with taking the first steps -- that he rarely reached out on his own, rarely attempted to take personal initiative, unless it was steps that led him closer to the destination he had marked as his older brother.

It was so ironic that here they now were, with all those steps taken, and that road ended, but nothing had truly been resolved. Sasuke was now left on his own, with no direction, no sense of satisfaction, and only the knowledge of this newfound truth burning at the back of his mind. The truth that his brother had never stopped loving him, that his brother had acted out of loyalty, not to their family, but to the village that had forsaken them.

That knowledge alone could be enough to break him.

Or it could force him to draw his walls up even higher than they already were.

"If you don't try, there's no decision that can be made." Because Sasuke would believe their relationship would stay the same, even knowing the truth of their intertwined fate.

[seeing_only_red]

Despite all of Itachi's actions that had brought them to this point--no, because of them, Itachi knew that it was not his place to make that move, no matter what Kakashi believed. He did not deserve forgiveness for his actions--nor should he want it--and it could just as easily ruin what little chances he would ever possibly have should he be the one to force the issue.

"I think my decisions have done enough damage. It's Sasuke's turn to have control of things."

Because so much of Sasuke's life had been controlled by others--by their parents and the clan, Itachi himself, and even the village that had not even wanted him to live--that it would even more gregious an offense now, after the Truth was no longer a secret he could take to his grave--unless he already had--for him to continue to decide Sasuke's life for him

[wind_upon_waves]

But Minato wanted more for the eldest Uchiha, regardless of what the hollowed young man thought. Because the blond saw in Itachi the best and worst of everyone - Kakashi, Sasuke, Naruto, and himself. Kakashi's brilliance at too young an age, slick with blood, the loyalty that let Konoha use him and nearly break him; Sasuke's fixation on being strong without weakness, without doubt or regrets, but so very, very lost; Naruto's conviction and incandescent need to protect those who used him as a scapegoat, stigmatized him despite his love; and Minato's selfless yet inadvertently cruel sacrifice, saving the many while damning the few