Itachi ЖЖ 003

[seeing_only_red]

Who: Uchiha Itachi, Hatake Kakashi, Namikaze Minato
Where: Espoir
Style: Third
Status: Closed. Backdated to March 15th, following this log, and directly after this dream. Whatever Itachi was lying on was hard and smooth--sturdy and flat. The floor. Why was he on the floor

Comments

[seeing_only_red]

The way Kakashi spoke made it sound so easy. As if by just "trying," things could one day be all right between Itachi and Sasuke. No, Kakashi would never go so far as to say things could return to how they had once been, but even the thought that they could move beyond Sasuke's desire for vengeance--and Itachi's need to pay penance--seemed fantastical. It was impossible, and would be foolish of him to ever believe it could happen.

Sasuke would never forgive him--for Sasuke had never known the dark side of their clan's history or of their oppression and restless need to break free form the constraints of the village that had chained them to it, but would never let them be apart of it--because Sasuke placed the family above all else, and Itachi had done the exact opposite. And in doing so he had stripped his little brother of his family, his innocence, and his ability to look to the potential of the future instead of the tragedy of the past.

No, Sasuke could not forgive him. What had he worked for all of these years if his brother turned away from his goal now? What would be left for Itachi, if Sasuke chose to--or even merely contemplated--forgiving him?

But the thought of it would not leave him. The thought of looking into his brother's eyes of today--instead of the faded memories yesterday--and seeing even a glimmer of the admiration, the awe-filled devotion--

No, it was not something even remotely close to what he deserved. Forgiveness now, after everything, would make all that he had done to bring the two of them to this point seem in vain. And Itachi had done too much--broken so many oaths, shredded so much of his dignity and his morals--to turn back now.

But...could he continue this way? Could he look Sasuke in the eyes once more--when the visions of that fake that had seemed so real, and had made him feel to the point that his eyes had shed tears of blood were still so fresh--and break him again? Just the thought left a foul churring in Itachi's stomach that made him want to turn onto his side and retch on all of the emptiness onto the floor. No, he couldn't do that again. Allowing his lids to fall to half-mast, but not down enough to block his vision, Itachi sighed in resignation.

The answer was there for him then, because what it came down to was that--

"Sasuke makes the final decision, in the end, doesn't he? Everything rests with him."

[ura_no_ura]

And while that was true, they both knew that Sasuke wasn't very good with taking the first steps -- that he rarely reached out on his own, rarely attempted to take personal initiative, unless it was steps that led him closer to the destination he had marked as his older brother.

It was so ironic that here they now were, with all those steps taken, and that road ended, but nothing had truly been resolved. Sasuke was now left on his own, with no direction, no sense of satisfaction, and only the knowledge of this newfound truth burning at the back of his mind. The truth that his brother had never stopped loving him, that his brother had acted out of loyalty, not to their family, but to the village that had forsaken them.

That knowledge alone could be enough to break him.

Or it could force him to draw his walls up even higher than they already were.

"If you don't try, there's no decision that can be made." Because Sasuke would believe their relationship would stay the same, even knowing the truth of their intertwined fate.

[seeing_only_red]

Despite all of Itachi's actions that had brought them to this point--no, because of them, Itachi knew that it was not his place to make that move, no matter what Kakashi believed. He did not deserve forgiveness for his actions--nor should he want it--and it could just as easily ruin what little chances he would ever possibly have should he be the one to force the issue.

"I think my decisions have done enough damage. It's Sasuke's turn to have control of things."

Because so much of Sasuke's life had been controlled by others--by their parents and the clan, Itachi himself, and even the village that had not even wanted him to live--that it would even more gregious an offense now, after the Truth was no longer a secret he could take to his grave--unless he already had--for him to continue to decide Sasuke's life for him.

"He can choose to accept the truth as it is, or choose not to believe it. He can choose to kill me or let me live. He can choose to let me be his big brother again...or not. It's all up to him which way our path turns."

If Sasuke deigned to give Itachi so much as a scrap of amiability, then it was far more than Itachi had the right to expect.

[wind_upon_waves]

But Minato wanted more for the eldest Uchiha, regardless of what the hollowed young man thought. Because the blond saw in Itachi the best and worst of everyone - Kakashi, Sasuke, Naruto, and himself. Kakashi's brilliance at too young an age, slick with blood, the loyalty that let Konoha use him and nearly break him; Sasuke's fixation on being strong without weakness, without doubt or regrets, but so very, very lost; Naruto's conviction and incandescent need to protect those who used him as a scapegoat, stigmatized him despite his love; and Minato's selfless yet inadvertently cruel sacrifice, saving the many while damning the few.

Itachi had more than enough right to expect much of everyone. Sasuke's decision was his own, but Konoha -- it owed the eldest Uchiha its lifeblood, and Minato, as the village's leader, owed Itachi both thanks and apology for allowing Konoha to use him as its pawn, its excuse to disguise the rot within.

The Yondaime sighed, letting his arms fall to his sides from where they had been crossed against his chest -- to keep them from lashing out, to keep the anger bottled inside -- and pushed himself off the wall of the shack he'd been leaning against, listening to the conversation inside. Steeling himself, he opened the door and stepped in. There was much to address, and even the afterlife would not be long enough to fix it all.

Minato kept his expression blank, nodding at Kakashi before turning to Itachi, silent as he took in the young man's tired, haggard appearance.

[seeing_only_red]

The door opened and Itachi's attention immediately shifted to see the golden figure standing in the doorway, rays of the setting sun at his back. The dark shadows that covered most of the small room were beaten into the corners, allowing the orange streaks to stretch out over the floor and across Itachi's chest. He stared for a moment at the silhouetted form, but as the person entered the room, the balance shifted, and Itachi could clearly see the Fourth Hokage's emotionless face as he stepped towards them.

His suspicion that Kakashi had wanted to gain more information from him seemed confirmed with his leader's arrival--or entrance as he was probably listening in the entire time--yet Itachi second guessed his own assumptions. Kakashi had stated that they "all" knew the Truth now, so seeing the late Hokage staring down at him with no emotions visible on his face was not enough for him to come to any conclusion about. What information could they want from him now, after they had already discovered his most well-guarded secret? Given Kakashi's insistence that he seek Sasuke out to repair their relationship, another interrogation did not appear to be their next move. Still, Itachi had learned well that caution was more of a life-saver than giving into false securities.

But given that his chakra had been almost completely drained and his body was still strained from the seal that has caused it--even though his chakra levels were returning to normal faster than he had expected, which meant Kakashi had probably given him one of his own personal soldier pills--Itachi knew that he was not at a level that would make escape from these two men easy or even possible. So he said nothing, allowing his eyes to slide shut out of both indifference and surrender.

[wind_upon_waves]

The Hokage was one who stood above all. His word, even his wordless desires were commands to be meted out without question and without fail. The strongest, the wisest, uncompromising and steadfast -- the embodiment of the Will for Fire to the nations. This was how the Hokage was viewed and was expected to be in the face of all adversity.

But Minato knew better. He knew that uncompromising did not mean unmerciful, and that strength did not mean unfeeling, and that being leader did not always mean standing above his people. The greatest leader was one who was the greatest servant of his people, for the Hokage had to serve his people just as much, if not more, than they served him.

The Hokage had a duty to his shinobi, and it was one that Minato, as the embodiment of his village had failed, even if he had been dead when the office had betrayed its calling -- for a Hokage was always Hokage, and all those who were Hokage and would be Hokage shared its yoke.

It was because Minato knew all this and more that he approached Itachi and knelt before the young man, the motion exuding all the grace and power of the Hokage, humbled and brought down to the earth to prostrate itself as one servant to another. Itachi lay upon the ground, almost lifeless, seemingly sapped of all concern, but Minato turned his solemn gaze upon him.

"Thank you, Uchiha Itachi, for loving Konoha as you did. And I apologize as Hokage on behalf of Konoha for we did not love you as much as you deserved." Blue eyes shined with conviction and sincerity, and then all the greatness of Konoha submitted to Itachi's judgement with the bowing of Minato's head.

[seeing_only_red]

Had it been years earlier, had the gesture of gratitude been from a different Hokage, had the words not been too little too late--his family was dead and his relationship with his little brother irreparably changed--and had he not been too numb to feel more than mildest of emotions, Itachi knew that the words and the actions of the Fourth Hokage would have meant more to him than anything. Because even now...he knew despite it all, had he the choice, he would do it all again.

And in some way, the Yondaime's words did strike a cord with him--this was the man who had been beloved of all of Konoha, the youngest Hokage ever, who had sacrificed his life and his son in order to save the village that would later turn his child into the symbol of blame and hatred. Could he say his actions had been justified? Would he have done anything different? Or would Konoha still come first and foremost in his mind? Perhaps he understood more of Itachi's conflictions than anyone else.

With a clenching of his teeth, the protesting of sore muscles, and the numb stretching of the wounds on his wrists beneath the stark white wrappings, Itachi pushed himself up into a sitting position. He turned opened his eyes slightly, turning them to look at the bowed head of blond beside him.

"A Hokage should never apologize over something that was necessary, especially when he had no part in it, nor should he bow his head to those of lower rank. And what I did was not something that one should ever be thanked for."

[wind_upon_waves]

Minato's head snapped up, blue eyes piercing. "Make no mistake Itachi. I'm not thanking you for the slaughtering of your clan, because truly, that is one thing that should never have happened -- it was not necessary. It is your love, misguided and abused by your superiors, that I thank you for, because you loved Konoha more than its leaders did. And it is necessary for me to apologize because Konoha betrayed you -- rank matters little in matters such as this. You did your duty as a shinobi to obey your superiors, and had they done their duty, they would not have suggested such a grotesque solution. It is unforgivable that they did."

Nothing would sway the blond from that belief.

[seeing_only_red]

Itachi's eyes cut more aggressively at the blond's words. "Do you see me as some naive child who had no comprehension of the severity of his actions? Or a puppet that they played with to fulfill their goals and then threw away?"

Whether or not the Hokage had intended it that way, his emphasis on Itachi's "love" for Konohagakure flared a spark of anger in him, as he made it seem as if his actions were for Konoha alone. And Itachi was not that much of a selfless..."martyr"--the thought alone left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"I loved Konoha, yes, but do not make my actions out to be so self-sacrificing. I killed my family because no one else could be allowed to. Only an Uchiha could have that right." He gave a small snort of derision. "Had I not done it, it could just as very easily been Kakashi who they would have ordered to--"

[ura_no_ura]

"Itachi." Kakashi interrupted softly, his voice as gentle as the squeeze of his fingers that reached out instinctively to curl around Itachi's forearm, above the bandages. It was a touch that was meant to disarm the weapons from the younger man's voice, the bite that stung the cut of his eyes. "That's not what Yondaime-sama meant," he simply said. "You're not listening."

This wasn't about Itachi being a martyr; this wasn't about love that had been abused, manipulated and shaped into a weapon that eliminated the threat and the problem. A threat that came in the form of an entire clan. This was about regret. Regret for what never should have happened.

What might have never been had the Yondaime had still been alive.

[seeing_only_red]

Itachi's eyes fell to the hand that was gently pressed against his arm, the contrast of Kakashi's skin against the bleach whiteness of the study bandages. He then raised his eyes to look into the only one visible on the face staring so intently at him. He was almost tempted to remove the hand from his person--it seemed like such a immature act to do that he pushed it from his mind--but instead chose to analyze the silver-haired jounin's words.

Did it matter what Yondaime had meant with his words? He spoke of how that night never should have happened--yet it did. He spoke of how the leaders of Konoha should have found another way--but they did not. To even discuss "what if"s at this stage--

"Regretting what happened and how it happened, while lamenting what could have been is both sickeningly idealistic and pathetic. Nothing can change the past."

[wind_upon_waves]

"You're right. Nothing can change the past, but that doesn't absolve me of the responsibility of what happened. The past can't be so easily set aside; it affects who we are and what we do now. And a man who has no regrets is one who has not learned at all. Arrogant, foolish, childish. Everyone makes mistakes, knowingly or not," the Yondaime rebutted sternly but not unkindly.

"As for wanting the past to be different, lamenting your actions and regretting... Isn't that exactly what you're doing, Itachi? You say you regret nothing, but you do. Why else would Sasuke's image work on you? Why would you say you don't have the right to decide what will happen between the two of you if you had no regrets for what you've done? You say that looking at the past does nothing for the present, yet you hold onto it so strongly."

Everything the elder Uchiha had done in life and in death all stemmed from his past, rooted so deeply he seemed to think it wasn't there anymore, didn't matter, simply because he told himself that he didn't see the roots-thorned and bloody-hidden underground, underneath his conviction and apathy. But those roots only grew stronger and larger the more Itachi ignored them, because unseen to him, they grew on the blood and regrets he poured onto the ground in his efforts to discard them. Minato paused, peering at the young man in front of him, blue eyes searching.

"It's because you regretted the past, lamented your actions, that you sought to die at your brother's hands."

[seeing_only_red]

Itachi allowed a dark smile quirk up the corners of his lips, eyes falling back down to stare at the stark absence of color in the bandages around his wrists, although not much paler than the color the skin around it. The pressure of Kakashi's hand on his arm was still there, but it was not as subduing as it had been before. He had believed that the Hokage would understand, in some way, what he felt when he had made his choice, but it seemed now that he could not.

"You misunderstand the difference between remorse and acknowledging that every decision you make can have consequences that you will have to face."

If he had the choice to make, Itachi would make the same one time and time again. It was not regret that he felt, but acceptance of responsibility.